Realizing Your WORTH & Setting UNAPOLOGETIC Standards ft. Rosie Milsom | Ep 29

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Rosie Milsom, an amazing self-worth and success coach, and I chat all about finding self-worth and how it impacts our ability to avoid settling in relationships and embrace love. During our conversation, we dive into the concept of "worthiness wounds," where past experiences or feelings of inadequacy can lead us to settle for less in relationships. Rosie and I discuss the importance of setting unapologetic standards for what we truly desire in a partner and touch on the significance of self-compassion and forgiveness when it comes to dealing with past mistakes and how they may affect our self-worth. I'm SO excited for you to listen to this empowering conversation and learn how you can become the one for yourself and the one for someone else 🔥

In this week’s episode:
»Discovering your true needs and desires
»Overcoming the worthiness wound and forgiving yourself
»Setting unapologetic standards in relationships
»Embracing self-compassion and self-love
»Keeping your identity in relationships

Meet Rosie Milsom, the certified life, self-love, and money mindset coach hailing from the UK! Rosie specializes in helping women to transform their relationship with themselves and swap out their self-doubt for self-belief, so that they can create a life full of love, joy and success. BUT WAIT, there's more to her than just being an amazing coach! Rosie is also a qualified fundraiser and a Trustee for several charities – her heart knows no bounds. Outside of work, she is a wife and a fur mama to the adorable Pug/Cairn Terrier cross, Jax.

Head over to her Instagram @rosie_milsom_coaching for a daily dose of inspiration and empowerment. Learn more about her 1:1 self-worth coaching and is offering a special discount for my listeners 🎧 ❤️

Oh, and here's a little treat: Rosie's free guide, "5 Steps to Transforming Your Self Worth," is just a click away! Don't miss out on this opportunity to kickstart your self-love journey: Grab it here!

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xx Chrissy T.

Transcript

Welcome back everyone to becoming the one podcast. I'm so happy to be here with Rosie Milsom. She is a self worth and success coach. Rosie, say hi. Hi everyone. Hi, Christina. Thanks so much for having me. Yes. I'm so happy you're here. And today we're going to talk all about how to not settle in relationships.

Self worth and being open to love. So first, Rosie, I'd love for you to share a little bit about yourself. Yeah, sure. Well deep. So I live in the UK with my husband and fair dog, Jax. I say I'm raising a self worth coach. So I've been. I'm a certified coach now running my own business for just over a year, and I help women to kind of find their sense of and strengthen their self sense of self worth, whether they're struggling in relationships, trying to understand their kind of purpose, passion, career, and ensure that they're not settling for less in life and love, you know, helping to transform the relationship that they have with themselves so that they can.

You know, create a more joyful, kind of loving, fulfilling life. And yeah, aside from that, when I'm not being a coach, I'm a fundraiser. So I work for a national youth charity over here in the UK, as well as doing some training. Uh, and I also, I'm a celebrant, so I conduct weddings and stuff on the weekend. I call it my paid hobby because it's so much fun.

That does sound like fun. So talk to us about self worth. What does that mean and how do we get it? Yeah, sure. So self worth to me is about Knowing and valuing and liking, if not nay loving yourself. So, you know, there's that famous quote from Maya Angelou about how success is like liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it.

And I think that's a big part of it. But it's also about knowing your value, like your inherent value. And Making sure that by understanding that you are a priority, that your needs matter, that your needs are met and that you are a good person who is deserving and worthy of the very best from yourself and from other people.

So yeah, to me, self worth is that giving that like importance and time to actually know yourself what you need and making sure that you, you do it. As I say, whether that's. purpose, a career, whether it's relationships, whether it's just in your general identity or your life. I think for a lot of people, it's Like they think that it's based in other things, like their worth is dependent on other things like their job and how good they're doing it in it, or maybe the way that they look.

Right. What would you say to that? I think so. One of the reasons I moved into self worth, cause when I first became a coach, I was training to become a coach. I thought I was going to move into kind of career and purpose and helping people find You know, the purpose and passion, and that is an element of what I do because it is quite closely linked to self worth, but the reason why.

I moved into self worth was because the clients that were coming to me, no matter what they were suffering with, whether it was like a relationship thing, a work thing, an identity thing, at the core of everything, absolutely everything, all our relationships with friends, with loved ones, with our career, with money, is self worth.

And. The reason that people struggle with it so much is that we've, we've, we've been conditioned to seek like validation. outside of ourselves. And we've been conditioned to ensure that we meet the needs of others, you know, sometimes before we meet our own needs, like they told you, you know, to be a good person, you should be, you know, putting, you know, putting other people as a priority.

But the problem with that is if you're constantly meeting the needs of others, whether that's your partner. like family, children, whatever, and you are constantly seeking outside validation, whether that's, like you say, through work or love or whatever. then you're always going to be chasing it. You're always going to be looking outside for it.

If you want to have kind of true happiness, peace, self worth, that has as cheesy as it sounds, it starts from within, but it does like you, you are not going to like, even I was reading, I'm doing a positive psychology. Diploma at the moment. And I was reading it from a scientific point of view. You cannot reach like your full potential for happiness and peace until your needs are met first.

Like that's how you become a well rounded. partner, friend, sibling, colleague, is by strengthening that kind of in those inner needs and you will only do that if you have a strong enough sense of self worth to understand that that's important and not like selfish. Um, So yeah, I don't know if I've gone off on a bit of a tangent, or if I've answered the question.

I think I did, in a roundabout way. Yeah, no, I love that you brought that up, because that's so true, and so many people feel like it's selfish to put themselves first, especially people who are moms, or have even, like, demanding jobs. It's like, they feel like they owe everybody else all of this, like, Care and effort, right?

Whatever it is. And they forget about themselves and you're exactly right. You can't reach that level of like happiness that you want or peace or joy. If you've completely forgotten about yourself and you're only giving to other people. Yeah, because you're just going to end up resenting them like some of my clients that I've worked with, you know, they, they will be, you know, they're like, Oh, I'm that person that my friends call and if they need something I, you know, I'm there or I'm trying to be there for them and I'll do this, that and that for them and they don't often say no, whether it's You know, your friend's family or whatever, because they want to be that good person that's always there for something, you know, I don't want someone to feel the way that I felt.

So, you know, I've got to be here. I've got to be the fixer for these people. I've got to be, you know, a good person. And then that means I, you know, I've got my self worth or even in a relation, you know, if we take it like in like two relationships, um, you know, you, you kind of try and be the person that that person.

You know, your other person needs, you know, you'll say yes to everything that they want to do, you know, you'll make sure that they're happy above you, you'll, you'll be like, um, I'm just easy, you know, I'm going to be like the most easygoing girlfriend, you know, whatsoever. I'm not going to be demanding, you know, I'm going to be low maintenance.

I'm going to make sure I meet all their needs. I'm going to say yes to whatever they want to do. And they're like, I must be like the best kind of girlfriend ever, but let's say if you're not meeting your needs at the same time, and, and conversely, I know a client that that happened with and none of her relationships were lasting because she was just kind of morphing into them and they felt quite a lot of stress and responsibility that.

She just didn't seem to have like this personality because she was just doing whatever they wanted to do and actually I don't think men actually want that. They don't. Yeah, they definitely don't. Yeah, I love to use the word morphing. That's exactly what it is. Like you're morphing into somebody else and you lose your sense of self.

And I would even say that if that's something that you're doing, then that piece. Needs to evolve. Like you need to spend time on yourself, figuring out who you are and digging into that self worth piece. Yeah, absolutely. Let's say the way, as you say, you do morph into the person you think, Oh, if I become like them and think like them, or You know, just do, you know, share their interests and do those, do those things.

to have shared interests as a, as a couple, but if, if you're ignoring all of your needs and say, no, I need to play this down because they don't, you know, they don't like this and I don't want to come across as needy and, you know, my needs are clearly, you know, too, too much or too high, you're constantly compromising yourself.

And compromising your happiness and in the long term, you're either going to resent them or let's say you're going to be unhappy or it's just not going to work anyway. Yeah. And it leads to codependency. And then when that relationship ends, it's not, yeah. And when that relationship ends, it's not just a breakup, it actually feels like your identity is being lost because you put all of your identity into this other person.

So it's even worse than just experiencing the breakup because you don't know who you are after it ends. Yeah. Which is why, you know, you hear so many women, you know, get into a certain age, perhaps, you know, becoming a mom, becoming a wife. And then in fact, I spoke to a fellow celebrant just a few weeks ago, I'd kind of met for the first time and She was saying, Oh, you know, uh, got an unexpectedly divorce last year.

And I literally, I think I was telling her what I did as a life coach and, you know, how I try and help people kind of discover who they are and what they kind of truly want from life. And she was like, yeah, you know, so many people would need that because if they're like me, you know, they've spent the majority of their like adult life as a boy for a mother.

And they, you know, you split up and then you're like, well, if I'm not a wife. You know, who am I now? And like I say, it is, you make that your full identity. And, you know, it's natural that our partners become such massive parts of, of our lives. And of course, they're going to have an effect on our identity.

But if you are putting absolutely everything in that person and not focusing on your own, your own self worth, like you say, your own identity, your own kind of interests and passions, like you say, if God forbid something does happen. Then you are going to feel, like I say, it's not just going to be like the end of a relationship and adjustment.

You are going to feel like super, super lost. How would you say that people would be able to identify whether they have this worthiness wound? I think worthiness wound, that's quite a good phrase. I think if you, I'm just thinking about some of my clients. So It depends about the different ways in which it, it shows up.

So one of my clients, she was doing that. She was, she was trying to be the person that she thought these people wanted her to be. So if you often find yourself entering into a relationship and what was triggering this for her was this sense that I'm running out of time. Like she, she wasn't where she thought she was going to be.

She thought she'd be married. You know, with kids by now and she'd, you know, broken up an engagement earlier on in her life because she didn't feel like he was the one. But then she was like second guessing. She was like, by now I could have been like married, whatever. So, you know, she was going through these relationships, but nobody was sticking around because they could probably sense this, like, this desperation, this, this fact that she had just kind of lost herself and was just in order to try and.

Because she'd lost her sense of self worth because things hadn't happened as she wanted them to, she thought, okay, well, I'm just going to be like the best girl for impossible and, you know, not, not make any trouble and, you know, just kind of morph my life into theirs so that, you know, we can settle down and, you know, I can finally have that relationship that I want.

But like I said, that's, that's one of the ways that it's going to show up. Some of the other ways of having this kind of worthiness when, when it comes to relationships, some of the ways that that might manifest that I've seen in my clients is like staying in relationships. Too long, like when they're not right for you because you're either afraid that you're not wanting to hurt the other person.

So you're actually putting their, their needs, their feelings above your own because you don't want to be the bad person. You don't want to hurt them. But obviously only just kind of delays the inevitable that makes you feel like rubbish, like in the meantime. And just being able to set those standards for what you want unapologetically.

I think when you have a license of self worth. you've got that worthiness wound. You're a bit like, you know, we were saying at the beginning, like you're, you're willing to settle for a little bit less. So you're like, well, you know, this is just how it is. And that's one of my other absolute pet hates that I, that I hear.

Um, and C is that people assume, I mean, don't get me wrong, relationships are hard, marriage is hard, but there's this, like, narrative that, oh, everybody's struggling, like, no one's, like, made you happy, you know, you have the honeymoon period, and then, you know, it's rubbish, and you just have to, you know, work to make it hard.

And yes, sometimes you do, but like I say, there's almost like this narrative that, you know, this is just how life is. Nobody's like massively in love with their, you know, husbands anymore or doing exciting things. And yeah, that's something that I really resent. Again, a little detail there, my little soapbox moment, but it's, it's, you know, being able to set those standards unapologetically.

About what you want without going on there. You need to lower your expectations a bit. You need to lower your standards for what you want. It's like, well, actually no, because the more you're likely to set and keep those standards, the more likely you are to actually attract someone that has those standards.

So that would be some of the other ways. And then one of the kind of symptom that's kind of related that I've seen in other clients I've worked with for self worth is like pushing people away. So even though you're actually trying to find them, like there's quite a few of, and sometimes it would just be my friends, but I've also spoken to clients that say the same.

They're like, Oh, but I really quite like my own space. I don't know if I want to get together. I'm worried. Or they'll say, like, I'm worried about moving to that step because I, you know, I'm quite independent. I quite like my space. When actually, when we dug into that a little bit further, you know, they thought it was that wanting independence and space, but actually they were just scared of letting people in because they didn't feel worthy of love, because something had happened in their childhood, you know, growing up with their parents that we kind of uncovered, where they've been made to feel like people don't stay around.

So actually... you know, you're not worthy of love, you're not worthy of staying around, so they kind of hold themselves up. So if you're noticing any of those, those kinds of things, or one of them is like going for the same, you know, or I have a type and it's often the bad boy type. Again, that's That saying, I'm not worthy of someone to treat me well.

And you tell yourself, it's because I like to be kept on my toes. I like to try and tame a bad boy. But actually it's like, well, how much do you respect yourself? You know, how, how much do you want to feel good about this? So, yeah, those are some of the key things, like signs, I would say that come up.

Certainly my clients or friends that people think is down, you know, that they're saying, oh, I'm doing it because of this. But actually. It's a, it's a self worth issue. Totally. I see the same things and I would even add that it's, it can look like you choosing people that are not maybe really who you want and that goes back to that settling.

It's almost like dating down a little bit so that you have that upper hand and you're not going to get hurt and it leads to just Being with someone that you're not fully happy with because you just want to feel chosen and loved by somebody. And you also don't think that it's possible for you to find, you know, all the things you want in a person.

And obviously, you know, and I, I talk about this a lot on the podcast and with my clients about, you know, there's going to be some things we're going to have to compromise on, you know, especially some of the things I hear is like, I need someone who's over six feet, you know, and that's probably not.

relevant to love. We can have those things, of course, but you know, we are able to have most of the things that we want in somebody. But I do think people believe that it's not possible for them. And I know I've experienced that in my life where I was dating down or people that I knew were really safe, but I wasn't super like into them because I was scared of getting hurt.

I knew that then I would. Like kind of have that upper hand and it was because I didn't really think that I was worthy of having everything that I wanted in my love life. Yeah. But again, it's that story, isn't it? It's either how you're feeling about yourself or how you're feeling about relationships.

And yeah, you're right. But you do do some people do settle for that kind of safe option. Someone that makes them feel loved because that's what they're really, really craving. But I think the. But the potential outcome of that is if you're settling or you're missing that, that's that kind of, that sparkle, that fulfillment in that relationship, eventually something's going to go wrong or you're going to seek outside validation from, from somewhere else and potentially make some poor choices.

And then that's going to damage yourself way further because you're going to think, you know, I've made poor choices, you know, I don't deserve, and that's, you know, potentially another kind of worthiness wound as well as if we have made, you know, poor choices or hurt people in love in the past. And we're kind of really holding on to that.

I have seen that. In fact, one of my most recent clients, again, it was one of these like really unfolding, like the reasons behind it. But she'd originally come to me because she was struggling to make. Uh, to feel confident about moving forward. She's a fellow coach. She was feeling not very confident about making decisions in her business to actually move it forward, start getting clients.

She, and so she came to me thinking, you know, I just need more confidence and capability to move forward. Anyway, as we worked together, we kind of unraveled. that she had made, basically she didn't trust herself to make good decisions and she didn't think she was a good person because she'd made some bad decisions.

She'd, when she was a lot, lot younger, she'd started an affair with a married man and he had left. And his wife and they, you know, she'd ended up getting married, but he ended up being quite an abusive and ended up cheating on her as well. But she judged herself so much for this decision that she made in relationships.

Actually, she stopped trusting the fact that she could make. Good decisions. And it was leaking into every area of her life. And we had to say, you know, I had to say to her, when is it, when is it going to be enough? Like, when is, you know, when are you going to have been punished enough for this, you know, transgression that you made a very long time ago?

To move on and allow yourself to make decisions again, or, you know, be loved again, or, you know, and, and I know that can happen either way, you can either be the, the person that makes the, the poor choice, and then worry that you're not, you know, worthy of love because you've hurt somebody else in love, or obviously you can be the person that was, you know, on the receiving end of the cheating and, and that can also affect your self worth.

But one thing that, uh, I often say, both in my coaching and in, in many areas of like my own life is that you can make poor choices and still be a good person. And actually, if you are concerned about some of the choices that you've made, whether they're relationship work, you know, whatever, and you're feeling guilt from them, that's probably an indication more than anything that you're a good person.

It would be if you did, there were these things and didn't worry about the consequences that it would be a problem. I so agree and I'm so happy you brought that up because I was actually going to go there around people using evidence from the past to Fill this idea that they're not worthy. And so I start with a lot of my clients around forgiving themselves.

Because we all make mistakes. We're not perfect. I've done things. You've done things. Everyone has done things that they're not proud of. But when we already have the worthiness wound, we take all of those things and we use them as evidence to why we're not worthy. Why we don't deserve the relationship or the love or maybe even a job or whatever it is.

And we have to start there by forgiving ourselves for those things, because they do not equal worthiness. They're just things from the past that happened. And it starts with forgiveness. Yeah, 100% that kind of forgiveness and self compassion because the thing is, nobody benefits from you holding yourself to account.

Like, it doesn't change what's happened. It doesn't make whoever was... Like trans, you know, have the transgression against them. It doesn't make them better. It doesn't improve your life, but it's a, it's, it's massively about that forgiveness, learning the lesson, learning what that meant about you at that time, because generally it'll be something that you even need to heal or.

or get through. And like I say, give, giving yourself that, you know, compassion and saying, you know, like you say, I am human. I make, you know, occasionally bad choices, but that doesn't make me a bad person. It's how you live from that point, because if you're constantly living in the past, you're never going to be able to create the future that you want.

If you're constantly measure it. And even if we're not just talking about yourselves, if you were, if you were the, you know, person who was cheated on or, you know, lied to or whatever, if you are constantly living there and making your expectations full of a relationship from there, you're always going to be living there.

That's where your self worth is going to be. That's what you're going to be broadcasting to all of your relationships, all of your future partners. And yeah, the more you can kind of accept and move on and go, okay, this is, this is how things were, but this is how I want. to be. This is the level of self worth that I want to work from.

And this is the level of self worth that I want to inspire in other people. You know, it's about, you know, you often say that a bit like you are, you know, the very name of your podcast, you're becoming the one, the one for someone else, but the one. You wanna see as well? Yes, absolutely. I agree. And you are inherently worthy.

You used that word at the beginning of our conversation, and I love that you said that, because really, at the end of the day, your worth is as true as the color of your hair. The color of your eyes. Like it's just, it is. Mm-hmm. , you are already 100% worthy. And it's really about, like, unlearning and letting go of all the things that have made us feel like we are not.

Yeah, exactly. It's, it's that it's, let's say, focusing on all the ways that you are rather than all the ways that you aren't. Absolutely. So how do we not settle in relationships? I think, for me, I would say, in a, kind of a number of ways. So, first would be to understand what you actually want from a relationship.

Because if you've... If you've been used to settling, compromising, like I say, kind of morphing into our partners like we were saying, actually taking stock and going, what do I unapologetically want from a relationship? You know, there are certain like physical and emotional needs that we all need as like a human from a psychological point of view.

You could Google them and say, okay, which ones am I feeling now? And which ones am I not? But understanding yourself, that, that is where I would always say to start, understand yourself, understand what your needs are, understand what your core values are, because they are massively important when it comes to understanding who is the kind of person that you want to have a relationship with, because you want to be on like a similar values level.

So I would always start with yourself. and doing the work, whether that's working with a coach, listening to podcasts, doing affirmations, meditations, like to build up your sense of self worth so that you are liking yourself. Liking what you do, liking how you do it, and knowing that, you know, those, those things that perhaps used to worry you, you know, that, you know, I'm running out of time.

I'm just, you know, I need to lower my standards, you know, I'm scared about love, doing that kind of healing part so that you get back to that innate sense of self worth so that you're less likely to compromise or go for kind of the wrong kind of person. So yeah, that would be the two things I would suggest is, and that's what I help my clients do, is to, to know themselves, to, and then to understand where those beliefs and actions have been coming from, and changing them, changing the way that you look at yourself, talk about yourself, feel about yourself, so that you then act differently when it comes to relationships and you.

Like I said before, you start attracting people that are meeting your standards because you've very clearly set them for yourself. I agree that it's so important to know what you want, especially the values and be willing to walk away when somebody is not in alignment with those. And that can be really hard.

You know, there are some great humans out there and great people, but that's not a reason to stay with them if they're not fully in alignment with you. No, no, I think it's noticing those patterns as well when you are dating or when things are like a bit of a mismatch and noticing as well some of those crutches that we often do like one of my clients would often, you know, she liked to drink on a first date to kind of calm the nerve, she would like you know, just get like pretty drunk basically.

But once we changed her sense of self worth, she changed how she dated. So she would go and drive on a first date, you know, it, it's doing things differently because if you do things the way that you've always done them, then you're good. You know, it's that, that saying, isn't it? If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

You have to do things differently to how you've done them before. If what you've been doing before isn't working and know that. you're not on some kind of deadline, you can, you know, there are some amazing people but that doesn't mean that they're right for you and it's not, it's not fair on you or on them for you to stay around if you know that that value mismatches there or that you could, you know, be made happier

It's really a disservice to hold on to a relationship when you're not really into it or you know that it's not right because you're also holding them back like you're doing them a disservice also and to yourself by being in it when you know it's not it. Yeah, and that's going to affect your sense of self worth and That will only kind of fester and get worse over time.

For sure. Yeah. I think it does. It makes you feel bad, you know, and it doesn't make you feel good. And I think everyone, at least that I worked with and even myself, this was something I used to struggle with a lot was holding onto things for way too long. And it really, like in my body, like it just doesn't feel good to do that.

And it really affected how I felt about myself because I felt. Shitty for you know, continuing this relationship that I knew wasn't right and that ultimately I was hurting them and like you said It's just feeding that Worthiness wound even more. Mm hmm. Mm hmm and Another time that often comes up again.

I've discussed with one or two of my clients is When you're with somebody that doesn't have, like, the same love language as you, because, you know, and in terms of love language, just in case there's any listeners that haven't come across that before, then I'm sure the majority of them have, there are different ways in which you like to both express and receive love.

Like, some people, for some people, they express it through words, some it's through, like, actions, like doing things for people, for some people it's like, gift buying, like that's, that's how they express their love and vice versa. And you won't necessarily want to receive love in the same way that you like to express love.

And, you know, I know a couple of my clients, you know, discovered that their, their language was touch, touch followed by words. And their partner was not, you know, romantic, didn't, you know, didn't stay overnight, didn't touch them a lot, even after she expressed those needs, you still hadn't, you know, the reason I bring that because what you were saying about, you know, kind of staying with someone isn't a values match isn't, you know, isn't right.

If you're not communicating with each other, if you're not feeling loved and feeling worthy or able to give them You know, someone will say, you know, I need to hear you say it, you know, or, you know, I need to know that you're thinking of me or making like those small gestures. That'll give you an idea of what type of love language you have.

And if, if you and your partner's love languages don't match, and you're not able to compromise and do that for each other, then that is going to erode away at your self worth. Because if you're somebody that needs that, that affection, that constant affection, you're going to feel starved of it. And you're going to feel like you're not worthy of it.

And it's not necessarily that that person is, is, you know, mean or cruel. It's just, that's not how they express or are comfortable expressing their love. So, you know, and, and I guess this is part of understanding yourself and you can do like your love, that love language that there's plenty of like free tests online that you can do that.

I guess that's part of understanding yourself in, in love, you know, your values, what your kind of love language is, you know, there's. All sorts, you can go into like attachment styles, you don't necessarily have to go like right into that, but just having that, that real sense of what you need in a relationship, why you need it, and knowing that you are innately worthy and deserving of having those things and feeling loved and safe and happy and secure, all of the things.

Absolutely. I would even say to being able to communicate that to your partner because they're not a mind reader. They're not going to know like what your love language is or things like that. You have to be able to communicate that. And that's a skill. And so in a lot of the work that I do, I help people to learn how to do that now so that when they get into a relationship that they can express those things and they can have those conversations because the other person needs to know that.

And I think the issue and when you're settling comes back to like, did you communicate it? Are you guys having these conversations? If the other person is not willing to have the conversations or They're not willing to do that even after you've shared and there's no compromise or effort, then that's going to be a huge red flag to the relationship and whether this is going to be something long term or at least satisfying to you in the long term.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. How does someone start to like become open to love? That's a good question. I think when I've seen, I think it's going back to that, what I mentioned before about some people kind of wanting to keep partners, maybe an arm's distance or say, you know, I like my own space. I like to be independent.

I don't like to rely on someone, but fully kind of letting yourself go and giving you a kind of heart and happiness and, you know, a way to someone and having that received in, in return is like no other feeling. And I think The way in which to do that is to, one, learn and know that you are fully worthy and deserving of receiving a love like that, of being, you know, absolutely loved and adored to that level.

And if you aren't, if you can't picture that, if you are struggling to... feel comfortable with that, then that's perhaps something that you need to explore with, you know, relationship coach, you know, self worth coach, depending on, you know, what, what your issue is, but also fully loving that person back. I think the way to fully love that person back is to be loved by yourself is to completely let go because then you're able to reflect it back rather than having to hold it back or put it with your own conditions or not want to put so much love in them for fear of like scaring them off.

So it all starts with you. It starts with. Knowing that you're absolutely worthy of love and that no matter what happens with that relationship, even if it doesn't work out, that it isn't a reflection on you, you know, sometimes relationships don't work out. And if, if you, if you are able to have that strong sense of self worth when it comes to relationship, when those relationships don't work out, you might be sad, you might even question yourself slightly, but you'll bounce back a hell of a lot quicker and be able to see the bigger picture a lot more.

Whereas someone who's struggling with their sense of self worth will be the whole, you know. You know, why me or why not me? You know, what did I do wrong? You know, and like I say, it's natural to have those questions, even if even if you do have a strong sense of self worth, but when you have a low sense of self worth, even if it's the other person that has made things go wrong, you have a tendency to question yourself.

So I think, in order to be like fully love and fully receive that love back. It's, it's a combination of those things. It's, it's healing any part of you that doesn't feel able to love or fully receive love, have the worthiness to know that you're deserving of having it and allow yourself to be put in a vulnerable situation because it is, you know, vulnerable knowing that you have that innate sense of self that even if things don't work out, it doesn't, it doesn't necessarily, you're not going to attach a meaning to it that, that isn't there and that you, you know, know that you can bounce back and love again.

Yes. I completely agree with that, that it's really You know, having that sense of self worth and being open to love and being vulnerable, like even if it doesn't work, like you're going to be able to bounce back so much quicker because you know that you're still worthy of that. And you can open yourself up more quickly to someone in the future.

And I would also say to you that it's really asking yourself, like, are you giving yourself love? Are you giving love to others, even outside of a relationship, whether you are Single or in a relationship, it's still important that you're giving yourself that love and you're sharing it with other people in your life.

That's going to make you feel more loved and be able to attract love into your life way quicker than if you're just in a space of, you know, hating yourself or feeling like you're not worthy of love. It's going to make it a lot harder to call in healthy love into your life. Yeah, such a good point.

Christina, like, you know, that was a question I read elsewhere today, earlier today when I was actually an audio book I was listening to, I think, they said, are you giving yourself as much love as you're giving to others? And if not, why not? Yeah, why not? That, that's a good question to think about. Like, what is the reason that you're not giving yourself love?

And I wonder too, you know, and Now that I'm thinking back to what we were talking about, like kind of losing yourself in the relationship, how, when you stop giving yourself this love, or maybe you were never aiming it to yourself in the first place, that that is probably a huge reason why you lose yourself because you're not giving yourself that love.

You're not spending that time with yourself. You're not spending time on self growth and you become a meshed with that partner and. And like you said, down, down the road, you know, your, your kids go off to college or whatever and maybe the relationship falls apart and you're like, I don't know who I am anymore.

Hmm. Hmm. Exactly. What do you feel like is the key to attracting love into your life? Or one of the keys. Cause there's probably a lot. I think, yeah, there probably is quite a lot. Attracting love. I think it's like, from what I see, it's being comfortable and confident in yourself and what you have to offer.

Like, I feel when I'm thinking about times that I've attracted the, you know, married. That I've attracted the love that I wanted, whether that was in my marriage or otherwise, or I'm thinking about people who are in kind of happy, healthy relationships and have a good sense of self-worth. I think it's, it is that kind of happiness and em embracing who you are and you know, living on that kind of frequency of, I, you know, I am this person.

I. I'm worthy of love. I am happy. I'm, I'm looking for love, but I'm also going to give that to you. Like, I think there's like an, you know, I mean, they do say there's like a vibe, there's a, you know, a frequency, a frequency level that, that kind of love vibrates at. And it's one of those kind of higher frequencies.

And I think drawing that love to you is. You're all during certainly the kind of healthy, happy love that you would want, I think starts with kind of emanating that from you. Like you can tell the people who are comfortable in themselves, who understand what they want, who are living on that frequency.

And I think it's, you know, I think that's part, that's part of what draws it in. And I was just kind of going off. Um, uh, in my little web, I'm thinking about, you know, how I say, you know, often love finds you when you're not looking. And I think it's because you're looking at it yourself instead of elsewhere, like that I've seen, you know, where I've seen.

Like friends maybe that have been single for quite a long time and then they found their partner and they said, Oh, you know, it was when I stopped looking, it's because you're not focused on that lack anymore. That's not where your focus is. Your focus is maybe switched or changed to something that's given you more purpose, validation, self worth.

And then. That's when you're going to draw it in. So I think it's, it's living from that sense of completeness before you're with someone. That, that sense of I'm a complete and whole person and I'm happy with who I am and I'm happy with my life and I, I have this kind of trust that the love that I want is coming because I'm worthy and deserving of it.

You know, feeling whole and complete on your own and knowing that you are worthy and lovable is absolutely the key to lasting love. And that's really the thing is You know, you can find a relationship. Any of us can find a relationship. It's, it's not that hard. It's, we all want that healthy, you know, amazing lasting love in our life.

And if we want that, regardless of where you are in your relationship status, what you said is it feeling whole and complete feeling worthy. You know, it does not matter where you are. You have to have those things to maintain and. you know, being up for the long haul with yourself and with that other person.

Big time. So good. Well, thank you so much for coming on today. Where can my audience find you at? So I mostly hang out on Instagram so you can find me on there. If you type Rosie Milsom, it's M O I L S O M. So it's M at the beginning and M at the end, but it's at Rosie underscore Milsom underscore coaching.

I'm also on Facebook. You can find me and also occasionally on LinkedIn as well. So yeah, if any of, if this has resonated with anybody, they want to kind of follow for general self aware for relationship related content, do you come say hi, let me know what you thought of the podcast. Yeah. I'd love to hear from anyone.