The EXACT STEPS To Becoming CONFIDENT AF Ft. Leah de Souza [Part 1] | Ep 32

FREEBIE: The Ultimate Dating App Guide to Attracting High-Quality Men

Have you ever wondered what it *ACTUALLY* takes to become confident? In this episode, we deep dive into what it takes to develop UNSHAKEABLE SELF-CONFIDENCE and SELF-TRUST! This episode is so good..so good I had to split it into two episodes! Leah and I share all our secrets and the EXACT steps you can take to get there.

In this week’s episode:
»Signs you lack self-confidence
»The exact steps you need to become the most confident version of you
»How to show up confident and build self-trust
»After listening you will walk away with tangible tools and action steps

Leah de Souza has been a self-employed consultant for the past 18 years. Her first business is a Talent Development company that specializes in corporate learning and development, which has coached and trained over 10,000 people internationally. In 2017, she earned the Association for Talent Development highest designation of Certified Professional in Talent Development, making me the first and still only CPTD in Trinidad and Tobago and one of the few in the Caribbean region. She launched her second business - her heart business - in 2019 and focuses on helping other Entrepreneurs learn how to get back control of their time and energy so they can create Balance in their lives.

Her articles have been featured in Association for Talent Development online portal, Talent LMS, Business News Daily and The Guardian Newspaper. Her conference speaking engagement include the HRMATT Conference in Trinidad and the CANTO HR Conference in The Bahamas. She is incredibly passionate about helping ambitious professionals tap into their highest performance by creating Balance in their lives.

You can find Leah at www.leahdesouza.com, connect with her on LinkedIn and follow her on Instagram at @leahbluedesouza. You can also download for free her Top 20 Boss Reads which is her annually updated list of her best 20 reads for Boss performance.

💌 GET YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED ON THE SHOW! Submit your questions anonymously here!

✨ FREE Attracting Love Meditation

🫶🏼 🤍 HOW TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
»Subscribe, Leave a Review on all the platforms!
»Follow me on Instagram @becomingchrissyt for updates, giveaways and lots more dating and relationship content
»Let's work together-Coaching [Everywhere!] Apply for coaching
»Let's work together-Therapy [CO Only]: Beyond Thought Therapy

xx Christina

Transcript

Welcome back everyone to becoming I'm here with Leah Leah say hi. Hello. Hi Chrissy and everyone else So we've been chatting for like 20 minutes and I was like, okay, we just need to hit record because we're just vibing so well. And Leah is an entrepreneurial coach and she helps people create balance in their lives.

And I brought her on today because she is an expert in confidence. And I knew we were chatting. This is what I wanted her to share because she is so good at this and helping people do it. So let's start us off with how do we, you know, find confidence? How do we feel confident in areas of our life? Okay, Chrissy.

Thank you so much. And let's dive in. And I'm going to say first thing off is, and we're going to go two steps backwards before we could move forwards, if that's okay with you, I think first of all, we want to make sure that we are all on board with what is the word confidence, what does it mean? So let's get a little definition around that before we go forward.

And I'm going to start by talking about what it is not for me. So what confidence is not is arrogance. Confidence is boastfulness. Confidence is not a power game. It's not about a power struggle between you and another person. It's not a control game. It's not about wanting to control anyone else. And it definitely isn't narcissism, right?

And if you look at all the things that I've just described, what I talked about is sort of everything that is external. So if we look at arrogance, if we look at power games, power struggles, control games, those are all defining confidence vis a vis an external person or persons. When really and truly confidence is something that comes from within.

And I didn't tell you this, Chrissy, but I actually, many, many moons ago, my dream was to become a professor of English literature, and I have a degree in English studies, so I love words. So I'm always going back to the root of words, right? And confidence, the root of the word confidence is confidere in Latin, and it actually means to have full trust.

Let's think about that. So we're talking about now. Whoa. So when they came up with this word confederate confidence, it was about having trust. It had nothing to do with how you feel or how you look or anything external. Right. And if we're talking about self confidence, then we can assume that really what we're talking about here is having trust within yourself and about yourself.

And when I use the word self, I always say self with a capital S so that we're really focusing on the whole of you, right? So for me, when I'm talking about the word confidence from our time together, really we're looking at how do I grow self confidence? How do I build trust within myself? I'm so happy that you said that because I 100% agree and actually did a podcast.

It was one of my first ones where I was talking about confidence and I was explaining the definition, and that's what I said because I hear a lot of people share with me that they think it's more like this external thing. Like I feel confident in my clothes, which is great because confidence can be, you know, a feeling, but that's not what we're talking about.

We're talking about like true confidence coming from within. And like you said, that trust and belief in yourself and your power and who you are and the trust to know that even when you make a mistake that you can rectify it, you can figure it out, right? It's a belief in you. It's absolutely a belief in you and that ability to rectify a mistake means where is that ability to adjust the seals come from is are you looking externally for really and truly we should be able to adjust the seals from within.

Right. That's really the strength of the skill that we want to build on. And if we're talking about confidence I know sometimes the first thing that pops up for people before we dive into how do you, you know, grow it all of that stuff is sometimes people want to know, are you born with it. Is it that some people are just so lucky that, wow, they alone, they get that sprinkling of self confidence and the rest of us are just left to, well, I don't know, not ever have it.

And I think the initial mistake that some people make there is thinking the distinction between somebody looking at somebody who may be an extrovert and assume that being extrovert means being confident. And again, we're going on the externals here, right? So an extrovert is, if we're going to the pure definition, well, you might know this better than me, but, um, how I look at extroverts in my work is that extroverts are people who are recharged by being with other people.

And yes, they tend to be those social butterflies. They're a bit more talkative, et cetera, you know, confident, happy, expressing themselves. But that doesn't necessarily mean that an extrovert is a confident person. And by extension, that also doesn't mean that just because somebody is an introvert or a quiet person, that doesn't make them a non confident person.

So we need to know, does it mean that you are born with it? I think when we think of somebody had it at an early age, there's a possibility that their environment, their either their family environment or their social environment was one that supported them to grow that self trust. So then we meet them later on and think, wow, they were always like that.

But what I can tell you for everyone else, if you right now are listening to this and you are not feeling as self confident as you'd like to be, great news. You can build it up. You can learn to be more self confident. You can build trust within and for yourself. That's good to know. Because a lot of people think they can't have it.

And I really believe that we all are at the root very confident people. It's more like we've been given and in circumstances that have told us that we can't trust ourselves or to lead us to questioning ourselves. And now we're in a place where we don't feel confident in ourselves to make those decisions and move throughout life with that belief.

Absolutely. And you know, one of the things when I'm working with entrepreneurs, and I'll take an example. So let's say I'm working with an entrepreneur who their focus is, I'm teaching them how to manage their calendars, how to be more organized. And at the beginning, they're feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, they don't plan anything in their day, week, month, year, etc.

And they start to learn little by little. Okay, what do I need to do? I need to start doing my reviews on a Sunday. I need to plan out my week. What do I need to do? And little by little, because they start to get these tools in terms of how to plan out their week, month, year, they start practicing these tools.

They start having little wins using these tools. And one day, they just start to feel, damn! I'm so good at calendar management, right? They're eventually they're confident. So there are things that have to happen to reach there. So I'll dive down in it a little deeper in some more detail. But what I will say from, you know, from the start is that you do have to put in a little work if you do want to build your self confidence, it's not going to be, you know, magic wand.

It's not going to be as easy as just saying affirmations every day. You know, you can, I'm not saying you can't, but there's a little bit more work involved. So I kind of want to warn your listeners already, Chrissy. No, that's good. I agree. Whatever we're trying to do, whether it's competence, trust, soft love, like it doesn't really matter even, you know, finding a partner.

It's really about the choice. And that's the first thing is that you are choosing like I am moving towards being a confident person or I am a confident person, which is different than an affirmation, which affirmations are amazing. Like, I definitely encourage them, like love them, but it's really about the choice.

Like, if you want to be confident, you have to first choose that, that you are going to be that person and then do all the things that we're going to talk about. Right? That's the first thing is choosing that that's what you actually want. That's, you know, and it's sort of that, that code that we all know, it's sort of begin with the end in mind, right?

Which is again, just. I'm just pausing to figure out what do I actually want? What do I want confidence to look like? And then of course you have to, you have to take steps. You have to take action in that direction and you have to choose that and you sort of have to choose you. So what you're saying is so good.

Like you have to take you to make the choice, which is like the internal thing. Like I'm going to be confident, but you can't just be like, I'm going to be confident and then expect it to happen. There has to be actions that are aligned with that goal, which is being confident. Yes, and it's, it's a daily, I'm going to say it is a daily decision.

What am I doing today to choose me? What am I doing today to build that confidence? And the more that you are taking those decisions in that direction, you're also going to heighten awareness into what are the things that I'm doing that are not about choosing me and about choosing my self confidence.

So it heightens that awareness as well. So that, I think that's an important one to, to bring up. Totally. And I was just thinking about, like, for example, If you're wanting to build this confidence, which we talked about is this, this trust in ourselves, when you're making a decision, like, what are the actions that you're taking, you know, are you like calling every friend and asking them, like, let's say it's in a dating scenario, right?

Like you have this person that you went out with and you're not sure if you should go out with them again. So you call like 15 friends and you're like, tell me what you think. Right. And it's like, to me, that doesn't really align with you having this self trust now. Sure. Like call all your friends, but I would wonder if you're trying to build confidence, is that actually supportive of you being confident?

Is that something that the competent version of you would do? Or would you trust that inner knowing about what you should do? That is a great one. And, you know, we've so been programmed, I think, from movies, you know, I'm just been watching, if I can say this, the latest on Just Like That, you know, it's the Sex and the City part two.

I'm so excited for this. Come on, yeah, I'm here for it, right? You know, I think somehow we've been programmed that we're supposed to discuss every little thing with our friends and we're supposed to ask our friends for feedback on everything we do. I'm not so sure about that because then, when do you get time to listen to your own voice?

And how are you training your own self to listen to your own voice? I sort of made a list and we could eventually dive into that with, you know, things where people might be going wrong when they are trying to build their self confidence. And one of the key ones on my list is that constantly seeking external validation.

That is a massive red flag. And if I would give a tip, if you constantly feel the need to ask your friends, If you literally cannot make a decision on your own without asking your friends, or if you cannot make a decision on an outfit and you have to post it on social media and get votes on which outfit is better to go on a date, I think that constant need, that would be a huge red flag.

And I don't want to make anybody feel bad. That's definitely not how I, my approach to anybody who I encounter, but what I'm saying by a red flag is that that's an opportunity for you to, maybe you might want to work on that area a little bit. If you have to go baby steps, cause I like to get granular. I would say if you are somebody and you're like, Oh my gosh, that is so me.

I never realized, like I literally sent a picture to all my friends and say, which outfit should I wear? Right? All I'm saying is, I'm not saying to stop, nothing's wrong with that, maybe that's just your personality, but I am saying, do it, not every single time, 50 50, so one date you can ask, next date, nope, you don't ask, you go with your own voice.

How do you feel about yourself that day? Where are you going? So, I would say, sort of, if you are someone who does often seek external validation, don't do it every single time. I agree with that, and it's, if you're wanting to build confidence, then that's something to think about. If you're not, then it's fine.

Like, keep sending your friends those, those messages, and have them pick out your outfits with you. The outfits are not the problem here. The, the thing is, we're talking about What's most supportive of you? And is that helping you to build that self trust? And actually, you know, going back to Sex and the City and just like that, I'm so excited for season two, just for everyone listening, like I'm obsessed.

I was just rewatching season one. Yeah. I was rewatching season one and like anticipation, but actually, you know, there's a lot of issues, I think with the show in general, even though it's one of my favorite shows. We can all agree. There's some issues throughout it. But one thing that I do really like about the show, I remember this very specific thing.

It was in, I don't know if you remember, it was in Saxony city. It was in like one of the last episodes where Carrie was going to go to Paris and it was her and Samantha and they were talking bookstore and Miranda wasn't happy that she was going. And when she was saying, she was saying something to Samantha about it.

And Samantha goes, haven't you ever noticed? I never asked you guys what you think about my boyfriend. And I was like, damn, Samantha, boom, because she's, because she's, it's true. She's never asked in any one of any of the episodes about, do you like my boyfriend? What do you think about him? She is a character who fully trusts herself.

And I really think that's so beautiful within the show because, and it's not a problem to be like, friends, do you like my boyfriend? That's not it. The point is that like, she doesn't need the validation from other people to do what she feels is right for herself. And that's. What I think we all really want is to feel that level of confidence.

Yeah. So, I mean, I, I love that example and it's sort of the point where, I mean, Samantha is almost sort of like, you know, the complete extreme, one end of that spectrum, right, you know, but I think definitely we want to reach a stage where I. I trust myself, I trust that I'm going into a situation that I'm, I know myself good enough and I know my shortcomings, as I'll talk about that in a little bit, I know my shortcomings as well good enough that I can still enter this particular scenario, relationship, et cetera, situation, but I trust that I will make decisions that would be the best for me, that would be the healthiest for me, that I actually don't really need to ask anyone else.

That I just don't. Yeah. Yeah. And if you do, that's great too. But it's like you're not asking to help make your decision. You're just considering what other people are saying. Because sometimes what they have to say is really valid and important and can be really helpful. But like, relying on that to be your full source of confidence isn't, it doesn't serve you.

It doesn't even feel good because... Really, you're then following what they think, and it's not going to be aligned with you. And I think that's where a lot of people end up getting deep into the hole of mistrust in themselves. As they're like so far into it, and they're not aligned with themselves, and it makes it hard.

To get out of that. Well, that's the thing with repeated behavior, right? So the, the fact of the matter is we are the result of what repeated habits. Really? That's just the sum of all we are. Okay. It's really that simple. And if you have been repeating certain habits. Example, asking your friends for external validation, that muscle, that mental muscle is really strong in you.

So the muscle or the ability to listen to yourself, it's so weak, but you have to kind of, you have to, you have to decide, do I want to build it up? And then you have to build it up. One thing I will say for Myself, because sometimes people wonder in me, well, Leah, how have you learned to build up your voice?

And for me, a lot of times I go back to one particular experience that I had when I was younger. And if it's okay, I'll just share it a little bit. Which was, I grew up, so I'm from Trinidad, I'm based in Trinidad, in Trinidad and Tobago. And I grew up not far from the airport, at that time Trinidad, we're an oil producing country, but at the time we also were producing sugar, sugarcane.

And I grew up over the highway opposite from the sugarcane fields, sort of rural kind of area, middle class upbringing. No one on my mom's side of the family had ever, no female had ever been to university. And in high school, I just decided, I was studying French, and I just decided, I am going to go to university in France.

Now I am, I hate when I have to do this, but I'm going to say it. This was not in the time of internet people. Okay. I'm just going to put that in there. So if we put it in context, you just have this girl going to high school, you know, and I probably would have just gone to university in Trinidad, but I just decided, you know what I feel I'm just going to go to university in France.

And there's no internet to research anything and I just decided I'm going to figure out how can I make this happen. And because of the time when it was, it could have been really a ridiculous dream. And what I did was I sort of beat the pavement on what are my options to make this happen. Long story short, I found out there was an exam that the French government gives.

If you pass this exam, you can go to university in France. I did the exam. I passed. I went to university in France and it changed my life, right? But why am I telling this story? That story, I go back to it very often. I have always keep a picture in front of me when I visited the Eiffel Tower for the first time to remind myself why, because even I, of course, have low confidence moments.

Of course, there are many moments that I I'm wondering what should I do? Should I go left or right? Or I just don't feel good. There are days I wake up and I'm just not feeling good about myself. And I have to tap back in that experience that I was lucky enough at an early age to learn to listen to my own voice.

And anybody listening right now, you know, I am almost positive there's some thing that you are super proud of something that you've accomplished, which means that most likely you

accomplish it because you will

listening to yourself. You knew what you wanted to do. Even if it was a ridiculous idea at the time, and you went after it, you put in the work, and you kept believing, even though if people are wrong, you were like, what? You want to do what? And you made it happen. And I'm, I'm inviting you to sort of tap back into that, because I promise you, if your brain was capable of it once.

Nothing is lost in the brain. It is amazing. If you are capable of it, once you are capable of it again, it just may not be. You know, sort of like you just press a button and zip, you know, it comes right back to you instantly. It's not always that easy, but you are capable of it. I promise you, promise you that.

And it doesn't have to be that when you're looking back at your past accomplishments that you're looking for anything. You're like, well, Leah, I didn't do anything as amazing as, you know, going to university in France. No, that doesn't matter. I know you've accomplished something. I know that you, anybody listening right now, you have some accomplishment, at least one in your life, that is particularly amazing.

Totally. Everyone has these experiences, no matter how small they are. Even if it was like, for a moment, as simple as, let's say you had like a goal of, I want to walk every day for 15 minutes. And even if you did it one day, that means you can do it every single day then, because you have shown yourself, even that one day that you did it.

Yes. And the thing is, these moments of be feeling confidence. And again, that is really trusting yourself and being aligned to yourself and moving in that have to learn.

If they happened again, how do I activate them? How do I activate that feeling? And then how do I maintain that feeling? If I really want to try to now maintain it, right? That, that's really what it's about. How do I activate it and maintain it? Because as I said, it's not going to be your constant. Why? You are a human being.

If you're listening to this. Hopefully you are a human being. Yes, I know AI is a, and it's coming, et cetera, but I'm still a human being. Christie, I think you're still a human being, right? I'm I'm, and as a human being, we are meant to experience the full range of human emotion, the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the in between.

I'm a full proponent of that. I don't believe in being. So of promoting that you should be happy all the time, then you're not a human being. So of course, there are going to be moments when you don't feel your best and that's fine. But then you also do need to know, how do I activate my confidence? And again, that comes back to knowing yourself, knowing what you really want, and then moving in alignment with that repeatedly.

Absolutely. Okay. Let's jump into the, some of these amazing things that you were talking about. And. And I forget the tips, whatever you were saying before. Let's jump into those. Okay, right. So some of the things I want to know, people want to know, but just tell me, what do I need to do? What do I need to do?

Well, I'm going to start off. I'm sorry. I was, I always tell people you have to slow down before you speed up. That's my thing, right? So I'm going to slow you down a little bit, but I'm going to tell you. What you may be doing wrong. And Chrissy, you and I sort of alluded to this thing. So right now people is when you do want to take out that little notebook.

And if you are taking notes, what might you be moving wrong in terms of then really sabotaging your own confidence, right? First thing is we mentioned it already, which is being unclear about what you really want and what you really need. So in essence, who are you? What do you want? What kind of person do you want to be?

And, you know, sometimes people are like, well, of course I know who I am and what I want. And the truth is, a lot of people, they're very left field. Unfortunately, Chrissy, in the world of social media, people of, a lot of people are very far from who they are. far because there's a lot of self comparison.

There's a lot of comparison going on. There are a lot of unhealthy, unrealistic expectations out there that people think they need to live up to, how they need to be, look, et cetera, have all those things. So you, you might be, the number one thing you might be doing wrong is really having an unhealthy. Um, I didn't expectation for yourself on what I would say that you might want to do is review past experiences and sort of be honest with yourself in terms of where you want to be, even if it's not where your friends are where your family, you know, where do you want to be as a person and set a new vision for yourself.

Like, I'm talking about really cleaning the slate here, people. We need to clean the slate. So that's a super one. And if we're talking relationships, because I know that's your area, I think you also want to think about in terms of what have I been doing wrong? Like this has got to be honest, wait, this is the time I'm going to be, this is the time to be honest and be honest about what kind of partner do you need?

What kind of partner you need to be in a healthy relationship? And who do you need to be? In that relationship as well. Exactly. There we go. So there's two of them. So sometimes, you know, sometimes people say, what kind of partner do I want? And I want to be sure I end it. What kind of partner do you want to be in a healthy relationship?

Let's get specific people. And I agree with you. Then what kind of partner do I need to be to be in a healthy relationship? And. Write those things down, even if right now it's not you. That's okay. That's the plan. You're going to be working towards that, right? So it's okay what you write down is not you right now.

That's totally okay. We're not here to sort of like make anybody feel bad. I'll also say something that people might be doing wrong is running away from the first sign of a challenge. And let me explain what I mean by that. So I want to be clear that Especially in terms of relationships, because that's your area is we don't, we are not at all accepting any form of abuse.

So let's just be clear on that. So abuse, if there's abuse, that's not what we're talking about here. But what I'm talking about with challenge is I've seen this a lot with friends, you know, family members where, you know, the first sign that your partner challenges you, you run away from it or they're bad.

How could they see that, you know, and I see the same thing with entrepreneurs. When I work with them in that your team members, your employees are supposed to challenge you, right? Like your customers are supposed to challenge you by challenging you. That helps you grow. That helps you come up with new ideas that helps you come up with a better vision of yourself.

So I think that's a very important one. I'm not sure how you feel about that one. And that sometimes people are actually running away from that first sign of a challenge when their partner is not necessarily pulling them down. But they are actually trying to highlight like, Hey, this might be an area for you to grow in.

Yeah, I think that's very common where, especially in newer relationships and, and even, you know, in longer term ones, where someone says something that we don't like, or they do something, and we automatically, especially in early dating, are like, Oh, that's a red flag. Like, I'm out. You know, I'm not gonna, not gonna talk about it.

But it's really important to have a conversation about it and learn how to communicate. Because that's assigned to you that if someone is triggering something in you, it's maybe about them. And maybe what they said is like off base and you need to talk about it. That's also, you need to look at that within yourself.

Like, why was that so triggering for you and what's going on within you that wants to run and not have the conversation? Like, do you not feel competent in, in discussing that with somebody? Are you afraid of? their reaction or, you know, what's going to happen from it? Are you afraid of losing them? Like, what's the real reason why you're not able to have this conversation and you're just willing to run?

Absolutely. So that's, I think that's an important one. I'd also say we kind of, we touched on this one already, which is where you might be going wrong with boosting your own self confidence, which is of course that seeking that external validation. So we sort of covered that one already, but again, if you are running away from trusting yourself, You're running away from building your own confidence.

So again, we look at the seeking validation as literally running away from trusting your own self. So that's one. And I'd also add on to what you might be doing wrong is giving up too soon. That's, that's a huge one. So if you, I would say this, if, if every entrepreneur gave up on three strikes on your out.

There would be no entrepreneur, there would be nothing. Nothing would be happening in the world. I'm telling you something. So definitely for entrepreneurs, mistakes are part of life, right? That is literally how you grow. But what's happening in business is if you are doing the good work and being clear about The type of business you want and the type of entrepreneur you want to be and how you want to run your, you know, your ship, or you want to lead your ship, even when you make mistakes.

Again, you have that clear definition that you keep coming back to. So if the same thing in your own self confidence, if you don't have a clear vision for yourself, the kind of person you want to be, the kind of partner you want to be, when there are mistakes or when things don't work out, you don't have anything to go back to.

So what ends up happening, I mean, and I'm sure you know people like this, is eventually if they have enough failed relationships or failed dates, they're just like, I give up, yes? I, not me, Ann. Men or not me and women or, you know, not me and relationships or not me and marriage or they just totally give up.

But I think a key one there comes back to my first point is they really haven't set a vision for themselves. Or, or what kind of relationship they want to be in. So that's a huge one. Are you giving up too soon? That's so juicy. And I want to comment on that because I do see that so much and you know, I'm in a lot of Facebook groups just like, you know, everyone on the podcast, you know, I live in Denver and I'm in those groups, you know, I see a lot of people posting very similar things and I see that specifically like I'm giving up, like it's men, it's the dating apps or we.

I put external blame on things rather than going within and being like, what's happening within me that I maybe keep attracting this same kind of partner or that I am feeling so burnt out and giving up like, you know, and it's that external blame that we're putting on other things instead of looking at ourselves.

And I want to speak to the external validation, because this is really an important thing is that. Seeking external validation is not a bad thing. Like, it's not inherently bad. Like, you know, I love, everyone can't see Leah's beautiful shirt, but she looks gorgeous right now. And like, you know, and me saying that to you, I'm sure it feels so good, right?

You're like, if I'm like, your hair looks amazing. Like, yes, her earrings are on point. Like this color is so beautiful on her. And like, you feel so good hearing that. The difference between, like, what we're talking about and that is that, like, I'm giving you this compliment and it feels good. Like, it feels good to get external validation.

I love when people compliment me or, like, tell me I'm doing well, right? But if that's my only source of confidence and worthiness, like, I'm putting all of my everything into what other people think and what they say. That's where it gets really dangerous for us. And that's where we're not living in that place of alignment and we don't feel good is because we don't have that.

Like. internal baseline of like confidence and trust and, and worthiness. And so that's all the difference. I external validation is not bad. It's just, we can't rely on it. It can't be our absolutely. And it can't be your only source. It cannot be the source for you to feel good about yourself. I'm going to say something right now, Chrissy, you're looking at me today.

I look like this, whether I am all alone at home, anyone who knows me knows. Is Leah for real? I am putting it all on and I'm a lone hand from the laptop because that's just my thing. That's just my vibe, right? It, again, this has to do with, I, I know who I am. I know what I'm about. And I, my actions are aligned to that.

So I have, I'm going to get up. I'm going to be doing the eyebrows and the concealer, even if I'm all alone. Yeah. And that's just, no, that's just me. It's not about about whether it's better or worse, or that's not what it's about, but it's about setting a vision for yourself and moving in alignment with that.

And when you move in alignment with that, You feel good about yourself. I just feel good when I look in the mirror. I said, that's how Leah looks right. That is just how Leah is supposed to look to me. Now, of course, and of course when somebody else says it looks great. I feel good too then. It's just like, it's like cherry on the top.

That's all it is. But there's a moment, there has to be a moment. People, and I know it's hard because everybody has busy lives, where if you are not feeling that confidence where you want it to be, you do have to set aside time to do what for me will always be the first step, which is being clear on what kind of person do I, what do I want to stand for?

What's the life I want for myself? We really do have to be clear on that. Because if not, you're sort of running around like a headless chicken and you don't know it. And you are going to be, um, pray for whatever is the latest fad out there, whatever's the latest of anything, the latest, uh, dating style or the latest way to look.

You know, 'cause you just don't have a clear target that you're working towards. You actually also want touched on something that for me was the last on my list on where you may be going wrong. And the last one I was like, should I add this in? But I'm gonna do it. Because anybody who knows me knows I'm a bit about tough love.

And the last one is about playing the victim. Playing the victim, people. Which is, you know, again, it's always, you know, the guys. Always the girls. Always some other reason why you are not getting where you'd like to be. And you know, I've been around the sun a couple of times, more than a couple of times, that you kind of end up figuring out when things are not working out for somebody, it just can't always be the others.

No, it, it, it just, the mat. In Trinidad, we have a funny, it's terrible English. I don't know, I don't know if you'll get this, but we say the mat. The math, like mathematics, the maths is not maxing, which just means it's really silly, but it just means the numbers aren't adding up, right? So there comes a moment when you have to pause and be like, wait, the last five relationships, the breakups were horrible.

Because you can break up with somebody, that's fine. But you could say the last five breakups were horrible. They were somatic, you know, really aggressive or anger filled breakups. Hmm. One, and you know, a good question. I usually tell people to avoid yourself, to stop thinking victim. Because guess what?

Entrepreneurs do it too. What do I mean by that? It's the market, it's the customers, it's, you know, it's always some other reason why you're not doing as well, right? People do it. And a great way to stop yourself from victim thinking is to assume responsibility from the get go and ask yourself, what did I do wrong?

Like, don't even assume you did something wrong. What, what three things did I do wrong? Or what three things could I have done better? Yeah. Like how did you contribute to this and going in this way that you felt like was really bad? Like, what did you bring to the table in this situation? Cause it takes two, right?

It's not just one. Yeah. There's at least one thing you did. Come on. There's at least one thing, you know, I use that question, like when I'm working with entrepreneurs and in terms of leading their people. And I always say this question in the performance review, when you're talking with your team members, always ask, how did I hold you back from getting your job done?

How have I been holding you back? So you kind of always have to assume, or if your people are making mistakes on the job, the first question a leader should ask is, Where did I go wrong? Yes, there's something you ain't doing. You know what I'm saying? There's something. So victim mentality is, it's sort of coping mechanism.

You're sort of running away. You're running away from reality. And I mean, I am no therapist, psychologist, but I just from observation of people, if you go down that road, it's not going to help you long term. And you're definitely not going to help your confidence. You're definitely not there. So no more victim mentality.

Um, but you did touch on something, which is, uh, absolutely you have to work on you first. So I hope so far if you're listening, what you would be hearing is that confidence. It's, it's really nothing to do with the external. It's all about the internal and no one is without shortcomings. No one is great at everything.

So by extension, that means there probably are things that you need to work on. To get to your confidence where you want it to be. And you have to put in that work. You do. It's so important. And it doesn't even matter, you know, where you are in life. Whether you're, like, dating or you're in a long term relationship.

You know, working on these things and especially confidence. And continuing to develop your self trust. You know, because you're going to have days where you're not feeling so confident. And you're going to have life experiences that might impact that. And that's okay. But having the tools and like that base of this is how I grow my confidence and noticing if and learning to like be so self aware that you know when something is impacting it is really helpful and important.

So I mean, one way if you wanted to say, okay, so what do I need to do? Of course we could just flip the switch on some of the things we just mentioned. So I would have to say, yeah, the first thing you definitely want to do is to have some really clear goals. And this is something I would suggest it's not something necessarily you want to do on the commute to work.

This is something, you know, almost make a date with yourself, you know, a good two hours, right? You can watch one less, um, show on Netflix, right? Make a date with you. I was going to say you can turn off just like that. Just, just stop at one episode sooner. Stop at one episode, people. Make a date with yourself and just start to get really clear on, as we said, we're saying before, you know, what kind of partner do I need to be to be in a healthy relationship?

That's a really good question to answer. I actually really do like that one because the focus is on you and focusing that not everything you're not perfect. The next thing I usually tell people, I think this is a good one, is to write down some, some values and I use the word guiding lights. Because I like the imagery of a lighthouse.

So what does a lighthouse do? A lighthouse, of course, guides the captain, right? And A lighthouse guides the captain in both good times and bad times. So during bad times, the lighthouse is telling the captain, be careful. You know, you're going to hit the shore. It's not so good. And during good times, the captain also sees the lighthouse as I'm thinking, Hey, I'm doing a good job.

So I do like the idea of having writing down some words, it could even be a quote, if that works for you, that will keep you grounded and that you can look at on a daily basis, because we have to think people, if you are starting in a place where you're not feeling confident, it's not It's not anywhere on demand for your confidence.

You're not there at that stage. So you kind of have to go baby steps to build it up. And I really do think having these guiding words and visiting them every day to sort of keep you centered really can be helpful. I don't know if you've seen that in your practice. Chrissy? Definitely. I think having a vision of like, what does that look like to you?

What does it even mean to be confident in your eyes? Like, because maybe it is in an area of your life, like, It's like public speaking, right? Maybe at work, like you are not feeling confident and, but you have to do a lot of public speaking. And so what does that really look like to you? What would, what would that be like?

Yes. And simple things. So let's imagine that up until now, you have been the type of partner, you're very reactive. So let's use that as an example that you are somebody who, you know, you can go to zero to a hundred very quickly. And maybe you say things. In a heated moment very easily that you regret and you wish you didn't say those things in a reactive mode, but it's just what you do.

And you take some time and you sit down and you think, okay, the type of person I need to be to be in a healthy relationship does not react that quickly. Maybe that person I would like to be listens to the other, tries to understand where they're coming from. I reflect and I think before I speak. Very simple, right?

So then you might, so you're building a vision for yourself and then by the guiding words, you might come up with your own words. If I were to say, what words would that be? Those guiding words might be peaceful. That could be a word. And then you could tell yourself, okay, Before you go into a conversation with your partner or before you go on a date, you tell yourself, I'm going to be guided by that word, peaceful.

My actions, I'm going to have peaceful actions. I'm going to have peaceful body language. I'm going to have a peaceful tone. So we started off small, right? And you just focusing on that word. What would a peaceful reaction look like? And you're going to get better over time, I promise you that. So this is about being very clear and slowing.

We want to slow down a little bit in the moment. And these guiding words do, I've seen it over and over, they really do help people. to focus on how they want to be, even though if within themselves, they're not, they don't feel that they're yet. Because remember what we said, we are the sum of all repeated habits.

So if you start off now with little peaceful here and there, you're going to start to build up peaceful habits and guess what? Eventually that will be you. It will. Yes. Yeah. And if you have word, let's say peace, let's use that. And you know that you're going to have this conversation with your partner. In the past, you felt really heated or it just gets out of hand and you say all these things like taking an action that would help you to feel that way.

So like, for example, if you want to feel peaceful and you're really struggling to just channel that feeling, maybe do a five minute meditation, or put on some relaxing music, or like, put on your favorite song and like, dance to it before you have the conversation, right? Like, do an action to help you channel those feelings that you want and how you want to show up.

Right. That's a good one. Yes. Yeah. Instead of just, yeah, I think, yeah, I think definitely if you are building from the ground up to build in a little routine with it can certainly help. So you have something to really now get your body involved as well as your mind. Both of them involved. That's great. So yes, we covered having a clear goal and vision for yourself.

We covered having guiding lights. And now, of course, I said there'd be a little work. Here comes the work, right? Little work involved. I have to say, you need to do some work on your shortcomings. So now be people like what I have to work on. I don't want you to feel attacked. So again, if we look at this, when I'm working with my entrepreneurs, if I'm working with an entrepreneur and we're doing some sort of audit about where they are and where they want to be, let's say, for example, somebody right now, they need, they know that because of the market that they're targeting, they need to be on social media and to be on social media means they need to be making videos and reels and all that good stuff, but they are not confident in their communication skills.

So they have to now work on their communication skills, their ability to become ready. It doesn't mean that I'm attacking them for saying that, or that we've come up with that. It's just something that they need to work on to get them to the next level in their business. It's no different as a human being, as a person, right?

We have to look, okay, where are my shortcomings? Because we all have them for me to be a better person. And then hopefully one day a better partner. What are the things I need to work on? This one. Is a little bit harder than just saying communication skills for an entrepreneur. I'm not going to even sugarcoat that because usually I think we all think, let's face it, we all think we're perfect.

Like what shortcomings? Me? Who? You know, right. But yeah, so you have to think about what are the areas that you need to work on. And this kind of goes back to what we said before is you need to sort of look at what happened in the past. And that's honest moment, right? And there could be different things you might want to work on.

It could also be communication skills as a person. You need to work on that. Maybe you are a people pleaser. Maybe you're a control freak. You know, what are your shortcomings? Something really big that comes up in my work, and I do want to bring it up here. I hope it's okay because I bring it up with my clients.

Shortcomings could be things like, yes, having habits or poor communication skills or being a people pleaser, etc. But there is a big one that is a shortcoming that if it's not worked on will always be a block and that is personal trauma. So important. This one is not to be taken lightly. Like I said, I'm not, I don't talk about it from the perspective as a therapist at all, but I do bring it up because If I, I bring it up as a topic to say that if a person has a particular trauma, that's going to be a ball and chain.

And you know, those massive anchors you see on those ships out there, it is going to hold you back. This is deep work. It's deep work. It's hard work. And I would say I actually had an amazing I don't want to say what she, whatever she does, but she's a creative that I was working with. She wanted to work with me again, feeling overwhelmed, disorganized, all that stuff.

We came together and after first few sessions in terms of, you know, mapping out where she is, where she needs to be, all that good stuff. She herself, because I talk about trauma, Is this one of your shortcomings? Right? She reflected on it and she actually paused the working with me to go. She said, Leah, I came back to what you mentioned with trauma.

She went to work with a therapist. Her business now is booming. Her breakthroughs have been amazing because she was willing to deal with deeper trauma, real trauma. Right. And my thing on trauma is I actually believe everybody has some form of trauma that they've been through as a child. Because as a child, we don't know how to interpret the world, right?

So trauma is from some misinterpretation perhaps or something that happened to us. And I just believe that some people have been able to deal with it better than others. And I do feel deep compassion for those who were not able to deal with it in the healthiest of ways. I don't feel for those people, but the truth is if you are an adult and you have some form of trauma, you need to put in the work with it because it is going to greatly impact how you feel about yourself.

Absolutely. Totally. I'm so glad you said that. I think that is such an important one and everyone has experienced some form of trauma because it doesn't just have to be like this big awful thing that's happened to you. Trauma is, you're probably not even aware of it most of the time because. It's how your body interprets a situation and it being unsafe.

And so. That's what that is your body reacting to a situation and that's why people experience things so differently because of how we experience the trauma and it really can't hold back people whether it is in relationships or in business, right? It doesn't matter the area because that trauma and the stuff that you're holding on to the unhealed things, it's going to impact every area of your life where they realize it or not.

But it really, yes. And it really comes out in relationships because people are mirrors. They're going to show us all of our wounds. Like that's why relationships feel so hard because it reflects everything back to us. And if you want to find love and keep healthy love, you have to work on that. It's going to come out at some time.

And I say sooner, the better and see a therapist. See a coach, you know, work on these things, like take the steps because you are going to feel so much lighter and you're going to see the results just like how you were sharing with your client. Like things change, your world changes when you are not carrying that hurt on your back every day.

And I love how you say that it's a reaction because that's really what it does. Things happen to us as children and it doesn't have to be, you know, a heavy thing. It could be anything. I mean, my parents got divorced when I was really young and I will tell you my trauma I think was one I reacted by becoming perfect.

Mm. Yep. I really, I was, I became perfect, right? I did everything perfect. I was very good. All of that good stuff. And it was only I, when I was, I had already been, had my, my first business already and then I read this book, I can't remember what was the name, how to be Happy, even if You Are Perfect or something like that.

And I did one of those check, you know, you do the quizzes in them. And it really had me thinking that this was a sort of a facade in a way, but it really was a coping mechanism. Right. So I often say that, you know, procrastination, perfectionism, they're the same thing. They're just both coping mechanisms that stop you from really being your true self.

I dealt with that really by just slowly starting to embrace more and more of who I am. So, I'll give an example. When I first started doing sort of public speaking, I thought I had to speak TIF perfectly. And in Trinidad, that's kind of like speaking like a miss, you know, like at a pageant, right? And I thought I had to speak like a miss and very slow and proper.

And the funny thing was, is when I would speak in that way, I would not connect to my clients. I would just feel like something was missing. And I just had to be like, You know what, Leah? You are a little bit quirky. You talk with your hands, you're very expressive, and that's just you. And I had to embrace me.

I had to be comfortable with me. And I had to know that and accept that. You know what, it's okay, because the clients who connect with me, those are my people. And I hope the others who don't connect with me, I hope they find their people. You know, to, to work with them and that's totally okay. And again, this really goes back to being comfortable with who you are, that deep self acceptance quirks and all, and just continuously moving in alignment with that.

And over the years, what has just happened with me is by being more me and choosing me every day, I've built up now my community of my clients and my people. And they, they embrace me for who you are. So that's an interesting one. So you have to work on your shortcomings. There's just no way to level up yourself without facing them.

It's just like, you just can't. But if we want to get a little bit granular, so clear goals, clear values, shortcomings. I would not be me if I didn't talk about planning. I'm sorry. It is what it is. It is what it is, people, because up until now, we're sort of like, you know, sort of airy fairy. It all sounds nice, but I am action oriented, and you want to start making sure now that you're writing down things, a vision for yourself, you're guiding words, you're shortcomings.

You need to start planning. I personally like 90 day planning, and definitely post pandemic. Can anybody plan years out anymore? I mean, come on, not even the big companies out there can do it. Come on, 90 day planning. What I mean by that is really now thinking The goal that you want for yourself, who you want to be, the type of partner you want to be, it's not going to happen by itself.

Remember, it's not a habit yet. You're not, it's not like brushing your teeth. That acting more peaceful, that not being reactive, et cetera, it's not automatic for you. So you might actually need to put things on your calendar. Yep. I was going to say therapy appointments. Yes. Therapy appointments. Yes. Maybe you're a poor listener.

You might want to put on your calendar, sit down with person and don't speak for three minutes. You might not want to put daily actions. So, because if not, you're going to default to whatever habits you had before. Your brain knows nothing else. So if your brain knows nothing else, and these things are not a habit yet, you might want, you want to put these on a, on a calendar so that you start mapping them out.

And That wraps up part one of this episode all around confidence so make sure that you are following me on social media and following the show on whatever platform you're listening so that you can get notified about part two which will be coming out next week i hope you love this episode and i will talk to you in the next one