The EXACT STEPS To Becoming CONFIDENT AF Ft. Leah de Souza [Part 2] | Ep 33

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[PART 2] Have you ever wondered what it *ACTUALLY* takes to become confident? In this episode, we deep dive into what it takes to develop UNSHAKEABLE SELF-CONFIDENCE and SELF-TRUST! This episode is so good..so good I had to split it into two episodes! Leah and I share all our secrets and the EXACT steps you can take to get there.

In this week’s episode:
»Signs you lack self-confidence
»The exact steps you need to become the most confident version of you
»How to show up confident and build self-trust
»After listening you will walk away with tangible tools and action steps

Leah de Souza has been a self-employed consultant for the past 18 years. Her first business is a Talent Development company that specializes in corporate learning and development, which has coached and trained over 10,000 people internationally. In 2017, she earned the Association for Talent Development highest designation of Certified Professional in Talent Development, making me the first and still only CPTD in Trinidad and Tobago and one of the few in the Caribbean region. She launched her second business - her heart business - in 2019 and focuses on helping other Entrepreneurs learn how to get back control of their time and energy so they can create Balance in their lives.

Her articles have been featured in Association for Talent Development online portal, Talent LMS, Business News Daily and The Guardian Newspaper. Her conference speaking engagement include the HRMATT Conference in Trinidad and the CANTO HR Conference in The Bahamas. She is incredibly passionate about helping ambitious professionals tap into their highest performance by creating Balance in their lives.

You can find Leah at www.leahdesouza.com, connect with her on LinkedIn and follow her on Instagram at @leahbluedesouza. You can also download for free her Top 20 Boss Reads which is her annually updated list of her best 20 reads for Boss performance.

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xx Christina

Transcript

Hi friends. Welcome back to becoming the one. So this episode is all about confidence, the exact steps you need to be the most competent version of you. This is part two of my conversation with Leah. So make sure if you haven't listened to part one, you go back and listen to that episode. It's so good. It's so fun. She's such a fun person to chat with, and it was just an incredible conversation. She is so great about the actual actions that you should take to become confident. So, I guess I'd go. Check out that episode. It's the one right before this one. And just know where you're starting as exactly where the other one left off so we'll jump right in and enjoy a part two of this episode all around confidence

I do want to say that what are some other areas that you want to focus on? Now I call these my fundamental four sources of energy. So there are 12 sources of energy that I talk about that entrepreneurs need to be aware of that have an impact on how they feel and how they but there are four fundamental sources of energy.

And I think actually for any human being, these four, if you don't have, if you're not really filling the cups on these four, something is going to give you, you're going to find yourself in a state of depletion. In other, and you're going to move further away from who you are, and then by extension you're going to be less self confident.

What are these four areas? We've been sort of talking around one for a while, which is your mental strength, your mental state. I call it mental strength. I don't use it to mental health. Why? Because I often find when people say the word mental health is always like it's Equating to negative like mental health means something negative, like it's poor.

So my focus is mental strength, right? So working on those shortcomings, building your residency, those things. So mental strength, nutrition, movement, and fun. These are four areas in your life. You have to literally be working on every single day. You have to give time. I don't say a lot of time, but you have to give attention to these four areas every day.

If not, something is going to give within you movement and nutrition. Hey, you just Google it right now. You, your brain is housed within the body. If you want the body and the brain to work good, people Google it. You need to be healthy. There's just no way around it. I mean, you know, we want to do more, we want to function better, but the machine, the machinery that we have to work with, we have to give attention to the machinery.

And I'm not saying, I don't want to say the actress name, but I'm not saying go all, I'm not saying go all like extreme clean eating. I'm just saying you want to be in a state where you're doing more good than bad to the machinery. Balance. Balance is good. Balance is my word, you know? Yeah. My, both of my grandmothers are still alive.

And the both of them, they have no illnesses. And when I ask what is their advice, it is everything in moderation. And that's literally been my mantra in terms of being physically healthy, just everything in moderation, but. We can't be making demands on the brain and body without thinking about how we treat the brain and body.

So again, people, what we want here is just more good than bad, right? And the last thing is fun. That's the last of the fundamental. For what is fun? I don't know. I would say for my entrepreneurs that I work with, fun activities are activities that I call that light you up from the inside.

Things that you do that just make you happy. Maybe some of them are social activities, maybe going out with friends are happy, but we all have things that light us up on the inside. Maybe it's photography. Maybe it's gardening. For me, I love to watch a little horror on a Saturday that lights me up.

Everybody has a thing that is just them, right? That lights you up on the inside. Of course, that is healthy. It is important that you are giving attention to that area of your life. Why? And this one I think is super important in building self confidence. I cannot tell you Chrissy, how many times I have worked with entrepreneurs, especially my female entrepreneurs.

And when I ask them, what is fun for you? They cannot answer me. If you cannot define your hobbies, if you cannot define outside of your work and outside of your family, perhaps, or children, what is fun for you, it's almost like are you a person of your own. And that is, it's a deeper question than you might realize.

What is fun for you? Because there must be things that make you, you. Yeah. And if you don't know, start exploring, start checking things out, take a class, go to a pottery night, like the wine and paint, whatever it is, like. Try something new. I think this is, this is an important one in really learning to trust yourself.

It's a lot deeper than people take it. The fun source of energy. Because when you start to listen to yourself and you're starting to figure out what are healthy things that are good for me, that make me feel good. Those are things that are going to reinforce because when we feel good, of course you know the science behind it and your transmitters are all fired up and we feel good, right?

Naturally we want them to feel that way, but we have to figure out how can I do that on my own? And we need to trust that we can figure that out on, on our own. We need to be able to trust yourself with that. Not always, again, relying on it must be going out with friends. It can't always just be going out with friends.

It's your only source of fun, as I call it. So that's an important one. And like I said, actually a tip there, if you are listening and you're feeling a little bit down that you don't really know what lights you up on the inside, and that is good for you. I would often tell entrepreneurs that I work with to just start making a list when you're like even on social media or you're watching a movie.

If ever you see something and you think, Oh my gosh, I would love to try that. Don't worry right now about is it possible or how is it going to happen, just start making that list. Maybe you see a movie and there's some people paragliding. You've never done it, no one you know has ever done it, but you just think, my goodness, that looks like fun.

I saw some, I, cause I just went to Miami and I saw people like paragliding and stuff over the beach. I don't want to do it, but you know, maybe somebody listening looks at anything that looks so exhilarating. Write that down on your list. That might be something that lights you up on inside because we want to be able to know what, how, what makes me feel good.

And you want to be able to know that from within. So that's a really important one to work on what lights me up from the inside. That's such a good idea to make that list. I love that. I've never even thought about that before. I mean, I have like a bunch of, I actually do have a list of things I like to do, but if you were starting from scratch, like what a good idea.

Or even just like if someone like mentioned something to you in a conversation or you see an ad on Instagram or maybe like, I don't know, what do they have? Oh, nudge. That's like a new thing. I know in Denver, they have it and there's, they send out like fun things to do. Like. Learn what those things are in your city and just explore them.

Go on like a walking tour in your own city, you know, and things like that. Like there's so many fun things to do and it's never a waste. Like, even if you don't like it, you can still make it fun. And then, you know, Hey, that's not my thing. That's how it lights me up. But it was a cool experience. Exactly. It makes for, it'll make for a good story.

And you know, the interesting thing is. Especially for adults. So the last, there was a time when most of us, some of us might have been confident, which is a teen years, right? You were into a particular style or fashion or whatever was in, but then we become adults. And a lot of as adults, sometimes even figuring out what do I like?

Maybe what you liked in your teens or twenties ain't gonna cut it. And probably not. Maybe there's some things that will carry over. I've always loved reading, and that has carried me through my life, but there are other things that I liked before that I don't like anymore, and that's okay, right? But I think part of adulthood is figuring out what are the things that light me up from the inside, and yeah, you're gonna have to play with it a little bit, test it out, but you're gonna be learning more about yourself.

The more you learn about yourself, and you validate that, and you repeat it, your confidence is going to go up as well. Last, if I may, this, I do want to mention something on image and confidence, if I can. Image is one of the 12 sources of energy, and I've often debated should I add it as the fifth fundamental source of energy.

I'm still debating it, but I always say you need to look at your fundamental for plus image. Why? When I say image, oh, especially my female clients, is a lot of defense comes up. Why? Especially for women, the word image often signifies that there is one way we should all look. That's what having an image means.

No, your image, how you dress, how you look is part of how you express yourself with a capital S. There is no wrong or right image, but I do believe that your image or your self expression does make you feel a certain way. Absolutely. It does. It's huge. Huge. So I'm going to go a little slow on this one because I know this one usually stirs up a lot of...

Feelings for people, especially women, again, because we have been so programmed into there's really only one way that we should look. Maybe it's the hot way or, you know, the sexy way or if somebody looks sexy, then they are better or whatever. You know what I mean? No, it's really about, this is one of the most critical.

Ways of listening to yourself, which is when you look in the mirror, what you see is that a true reflection of how you feel on the inside. It is you. That's all, that's all it needs to answer. And I'll give an example with this. I was working with an amazing woman. She's based in St. Vincent and the Grenadines, another Island in the Caribbean, and she's really vibrant personality and she works in.

Frontline medical care, and she graded her job, all of that good stuff. What was, when we did an audit of her sources of energy and we looked at image, she was going to look very professional, but dark colors. And I noticed that on her personal profile, her social media profile, she wears a lot of vibrant colors.

And in every picture, she's like beaming and smiling. And there was a dissonance there, there was something that was not adding up, which was, she'd reached a stage, she was not expressing herself, and it was actually causing her to come to work feeling a certain way, a bit stifled, a part of her person was stifled.

And she would be like, well, I can't dress that way because I work in the medical environment. And I said, hey, I ain't telling you where the whole outfit you wear to go to the party, you know. I'm just saying, if you love color, how can you incorporate a bit of color at work? She'd never thought about that.

She thought it was all or nothing. Yeah. Like the black and white thinking. So if I can't dress like that, how I dress in my personal life at work, and I'm seeing this, it's your image will does make you feel a particular way, but it all comes back again with first, that first step was really, who am I? What is the vision I have for myself?

And then are my actions moving in alignment with that? And a big action is your image. So I will tell a lot of people that's one when you're doing your audit on yourself in terms of your confidence. I know this is not an easy one, which is really take stock of. How I look, is that how I feel inside or how I, who I am?

Is it really, is it who I am? End of story. Cause I'm sure, I'm sure we all have that friend who wears the, you know, wears, who dresses like, I guess, if you know, a tomboy, but she is just like, she takes over the room, you know, she's not, she doesn't wear any skirts, but somehow she's so confident. Why? She is, you know, she isn't her truth.

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking when you were talking, is like, we are so drawn to people who are just authentically them, and it doesn't matter what they wear, it's like their whole energy, like they could be wearing like the craziest outfit, right, in our mind, but we like them, like we're drawn to that because the authenticity is what matters for them.

Yes, it exudes confidence because you know that they're living and their truth like their image is showing who they really are. So it is, I love how you said that, like, when you look in the mirror, like, is that how you, like, is it a reflection of how you feel about yourself? Yes, yes. I think this is a very important one to take stock of.

And it's, it's not an easy one to change necessarily, especially if you've been known for a certain look, because if I give an example, imagine you are always sort of the, the sexy look, but truth inside, that's not really you. Maybe you are the Farmer Brown kind of girl. But you're scared to dress like that because society says I should be all, you know, tight skirts and high heels and you're scared to go out like that because then who will like me, you know, if I'm in a jumper or something like that.

And I really do believe the more that you are moving in alignment with yourself, guess what? Just sort of like how I connected with the right audiences for my work. You're going to connect with the right person for you because that person is going to see you for who you truly are. And when you're going on dates, like this ties right into like, when you're going on the like first dates or even in, again, in your relationship, either one, but especially in that situation, like showing up as authentically you, like that's going to help you find the right partner.

Because if you're not. And so if you're not dressing and exuding that kind of energy, then they're not really seeing the real you. And we all want to be loved and wanted for who we really are. And so it's going to be a mismatch if they're not really seeing that in you. It's a tough one. I know this one, this one actually might be one of the tougher ones to work on.

But I promise anybody, you know, if you're listening, that it's, it's going to give you the most return. And it's, it's one of those that is really going to encourage you to listen to your own voice. I mean, what is better than just looking in the mirror every day and be like, yeah, I see you. Yes. You know, it's like, great.

It's a great feeling. So that's a big one. So your fundamental four plus image plus your image. Absolutely. Those are amazing. I agree. I think the image is so important and it just makes you feel good. And it does cultivate that feeling of confidence in yourself that you are living. In an authentic way, you're dressing in an authentic way.

People are seeing you. We all want to be seen. And what better way to do that? Yeah. A funny story. I mean, I, as I told you, I started to listen to my own voice at a very young age and I taught myself to listen to my own voice from young and I'll never forget this. So I lived and worked in Switzerland for about six or seven years.

And my first job there that I got was a back office at a call center. So you're never seeing the public ever. So you can imagine how everybody's dressing. You never seen the public. It's like literally putties and jeans kind of style. But my style, anybody who knows me, I was like, I had my little perfect Benetton outfits at work, right?

And that was just how I went. And one day the manager calls me into the office. And she was like, you know, so I was like, is anything wrong? And she's like, no, Leah, you know, you're doing great on work. But she said, you know, I have to tell you something. You don't need to come in like that every day, looking like that.

Right. And I was, at first I was confused. I was like, what you mean? And then she said, you know, your, your outfits. And I said, Oh, well, this is just me, you know, this is, this is just who I am. And those, again, those are stories that I have to go back to because there are days that I don't always feel that confident.

Believe me, they're not. There are times I'm going to work by clients who are very conservative and I get a little bit self conscious and think, Oh my gosh, should I tone it down? Because they are more conservative, and they might judge me a certain way if I'm a little bit more, you know, in my, how I usually am.

So I have to go back to those examples when I listen to myself, because as I said, everybody falls off from time again. And that kind of links up to one of the last things I wanted to say, which is as you are working on, you know, your values, your shortcomings, your fundamental for your image. I think it's one thing that is super important is to make sure that you're reviewing your progress.

So if it is that you are serious about boosting your self confidence. Like I said, it's not magic wand work here. It is daily work that you have to put in, but I highly recommend review how you're doing. I personally like weekly reviews and it could just be something as quick as on a Sunday evening.

Maybe if it is you're working on your communication skills, you kind of just sit down and just think, hey, how did I do this week? Did I respond how I wanted to respond when I went on that date? Did I address how I really feel inside when I went out? It could just be as quick as that. And it's not about making yourself feel bad, but it's just about being aware, am I taking steps in the direction I want to go?

I love that. Yeah. And it could even be after, especially if you're working on this, you know, a date or something like, how did you feel after that date? Just like a quick review on your drive home or, you know, just thinking about how did I feel like on a scale of one to 10 in terms of my confidence? Like you said, like, did I dress in a way that felt authentic to me?

You know, did I feel good? Like things like that, just checking in with yourself. So you can actually see the progress that's happening. And you know, something that we didn't, I don't know if we really spoke on this, but I do want to make, come up that some people might again might be thinking, Oh, this all sounds nice.

It all sounds good. But right now I'm not there. And right now I'm in a place of fear. Maybe you are. Someone who is more in a place of feeling that I'm not even confident enough to take certain steps. I do want to let you know that fear again is a normal human emotion. So I don't want you to feel bad.

Nothing is wrong with you for having that. But I think what you want to feel mindful of is are you allowing that voice of fear to be your only voice. I agree. And that it's okay where you're at right now that you've said this many times during this conversation, like it's not an overnight thing. Like it will happen.

And just the simple fact that even like, you're listening to this podcast shows that you want to grow in this area and taking those little steps, just knowing that it's okay to be where you are at, and it will change. Like you will get there. But just accepting yourself where you are right now. That's okay.

It's, it's all a journey and we all have things. And like you said, we're not confident 24 seven. Like there's going to be times where we don't feel that way. And that's okay. That's part of life. That's okay. It's just sort of becoming aware. Is that the only voice that is speaking for me? And, you know, sometimes, you know, when I have my own doubts as a human being, I will just give those doubts a moment and just be like, okay, you can have your say now, just going to let you have your say.

And then, okay, you had your say. And now I'm going to move in the direction that I want to move in. You know, I don't really believe in, you know, killing off those thoughts. I do believe in a healthy vent. And feeling it, but I do think, feel it in a timed fashion. So if you are feeling fair, if I'm going out on stage to make us a presentation, I'm not going to say, don't feel fear, don't be afraid, Leah.

That would be like saying, don't be a human being, right? Instead say, okay, I feel afraid right now. I'm going to feel afraid for a little bit, and then I'm going to wiggle it off. And now I'm going to take steps in the direction of the person that I want to be. So fair is absolutely normal, but if we allow it to be the only voice guiding our actions, it will take root with our shortcomings, and they are going to bear some horrible fruits, victim mindset, procrastination, blame game, jealousy, even mental illness.

So just be mindful of that. If you find that voice is popping up. I actually, when. I was working with a manager and she, she is an overthinker, but it's one of the things that makes her great at her job 'cause she will overthink all the details right. And find all the gaps. And so it has made her really good at her job and one of the things.

But in her personal life, one of the things I told her to help her with overthinking, which again is another form of that fear coming out right, is. Put a timer on. So I, I don't want her to stop overthinking. It is part of who she is. It hasn't made her build up an amazing career, right? I don't want to kill that.

But I told her you, you get to put a lot of time on like one minute and you get to think all the crazy thoughts you want, right? Go for it. And then when that time one minute is up, you take steps in a direction that you want to move in that you know that are good, that are healthy for you. Yeah. So that's a little tip if you are dealing with fear.

That's my favorite tip you've given today. It is. You know, it is because... You know, I really encourage people to feel their feelings, and I think it's totally acceptable, you know, because it just depends on who you are and what works for you, but, you know, sometimes I think it's okay to be like, nope, I'm not, I'm not even acknowledging that, like, awful thought, you know, especially if they're really intrusive.

I think that's like a time where You know, like, especially when they're harmful, like, we really want to, like, eliminate them. But when you have feelings, you know, letting yourself, like, just have a pity party for, like, 10 minutes. Like, let me just be in my feelings. Let me just, like, overthink for 10 minutes.

Fine. Cool. But when that time is up, it's over. Like, you're moving on. That's it, people. You get it. And that's it. And I tell you something. My clients, when they try it, they all tell me it works and I say, yeah, because you're allowing yourself to be you and I'm totally with you. I mean, if we are talking now, harmful thoughts.

No, not going down that road, people. But if we're just talking a little bit of pity party or a little bit of just venting or, you know, whatever, just tell again, put the timer on, go crazy. But then that's it. That is it. And then, as I said, we are always ending with action. What action am I going to take now in the direction that I want to move in?

So, yeah, we always have to be taking action. Absolutely. Yes. And when it's over, pity party's over. Better have gotten it all out now. All done and well. And I think that's so good because it's just sometimes, you know, you just need to feel bad, which is, you know, it's so funny because I feel like even on the podcast, I don't talk about this a lot.

I talk about like acknowledging your feelings, but I haven't really talked about, you know, it's okay to like, feel bad. Like just let it happen. We all are going to have times where we just don't feel good and that's okay. And the more we resist it, the more it's going to feel bad. And the longer it's going to hang around because we're not even just allowing it to be.

We're judging it. We're like, this is awful. I shouldn't, right. We start shooting on ourselves and saying that we shouldn't feel certain ways or think certain things. And that's actually, yeah, it's feeding that mistrust in ourselves even more when we don't allow it. But if we just are like, okay, fine, we'll get 10 minutes, five minutes, whatever we decide.

And then it's over. It's like, all right. I trust myself to like, let it go now. And just, and just be like, it happened. It was there. I let it go. Yeah, I like that. And you know, I think it is Dr. Susan David. She wrote an amazing book, Emotional Agility, and I believe she said emotions are data, not directives.

Yes, I say that all the time. Yes, and you know, that really shifted how I think about emotions when I read her book. And I think it is important again. There was this movement that really, I could see it coming a mile away that was healthy, which is a sort of, anytime a bad thing happens, just think positive, just be positive.

And I'm like, people, we are human beings. We're supposed to have different types of feelings because you know what, sometimes that negative type of way of feeling is supposed to tell you something. It is telling you some things. Yes. Oh, I love that. Yes. I always say emotions are not problems. They are literally just information and data for us to know how we feel because think about it.

If you had thoughts, but you had no emotions, like that means all emotions are gone. You would never feel love. You would never feel happy. Like. They would just be gone. You wouldn't even know how to react or what to say. They're just information so you know how to move forward and also know that you're alive and you have a pulse and you're a human being, right?

That's it. Absolutely. And you know, sometimes we have to slow down. So, you know, let's imagine you're... You go out on a date with a guy and he's really loud, right? Maybe there's a game on and he's watching the game. Y'all are watching the game and he's really loud. He's screaming at the screen and he's saying things, but he's just in it.

He's in it at the moment. But for some reason, you just don't like his loud screaming. And you want to, and you're turned off of him. You're like, no, he's not a guy for me. He's an aggressive guy. Maybe you need to pause and think about it. Why am I so triggered by his screaming? And then maybe it's a very, a moment with yourself and maybe you had an, an, an aggressive partner in the past that left you with some trauma.

Or maybe you had an, an abusive family member that left you with some trauma and you have to think, wait, is it, am I feeling this way towards this guy? Is it because he is an aggressive, abusive person? Or is it that he's just really passionate right now about the game? Yeah, let me think about that. Why am I feeling this way?

We need to really slow down. So I think I love that. I'm all for it, that emotions are data. And what we need to sometimes is just slow down and think about what am I feeling right now? Is it just a moment to vent, do that? Or is it that my emotion is trying to tell me something? And again, you're going to hear us.

We keep coming back to this thing, which is learning to just listen to yourself.

Yes. Absolutely. I had so many, so many thoughts where you're saying that. And the first one is that I want to make a really clear difference about what we're talking about here, because you know, with letting this happen, a healthy, like time where you're having this pity party and letting yourself overthink, whatever.

That's like, I'm going to give an example. Maybe like, okay, let's say you're going on this, you go on this first date. And you're not sure if this person is into you or whatever, right? So you come home, you start overthinking about it and you're like, Oh, I don't know if they like me. Like, should I text them?

You know? All right. So you set your timer for five minutes. But here's where it gets really toxic and what I don't want people to do is that if you're sitting here saying he probably doesn't like me because I'm fat. I said the wrong thing and you've thought about it 50 times about what you could have said instead.

I'm probably not good enough. He probably doesn't like me anyway, right? Those are toxic thoughts that are not helpful. Like I do not want you setting a timer and thinking that like that's not helpful to you. But I think sometimes it's okay to just be like. Oh, like I'm unsure. Like, I don't know. Like, I hope this goes somewhere.

You know, like, well, overthinking is not a bad thing, but we don't want to be thinking toxic things that are like feeding negativity in our mind and making us feel less worthy of things or like, you know, just shitty about ourselves. That's, that's not helpful. And I want to really just make that clear difference here that it's not okay to like be toxic to yourself.

That's not what we're talking about. Absolutely. Absolutely. And one way of just looking at is just trying to stay within logic. Yeah. So what, what is fact? I love that. Yeah. What is fact? Because you know, the opposite emotions are an amazing fuel for us as human beings, but sometimes they can drive us to do all sorts of things, right.

And think all sorts of things. And how do we fight emotion? It's only with logic. Yep. So sometimes if, if those thoughts now, if the, if the overthinking is running into toxicity, you have the only way to find that is with. Logic. In other words, am I fat or am I ugly? And then honestly, you have to really answer that question.

And usually the answer, you know, going to be true. No, I'm not ugly. I'm attractive. I've had, I have partners in the past who told me that, Oh, I feel that way when I look in the mirror, you have to really fight it with facts. So that's a good one. Absolutely. Yes. Well, what would you say is like your biggest takeaway that you want people to come away with after listening to this podcast about confidence and how they can start to cultivate this in their life?

Biggest takeaway I would see is I kind of want to sum it up with honest action with compassion, what is confidence. So a couple of things tied in there, honest action with compassion. So if you want to boost your self confidence, it does start first with being honest with yourself. It does start with a look in the mirror, not Next figure, you know, not literally, but I look in the mirror, who am I and who do I want to be?

What kind of person do I want to be? I'm just sort of looking at what is my point A and my point B and I repeat it's not to make you feel bad But we all should have some sort of if we do want to get somewhere We have to start a map it out, right? So I have a point in a point B and then the next part of my honest action with compassion is action So after I have that honest look, I have to put things in action now, I have to do some work, I have to make some changes, I have to put some new habits in place, I have to repeat those new habits, I'm going to fall down, I have to learn from those new habits, and the last part, really important, is action with compassion.

If you start to try certain things to build your confidence, and when you are reviewing how you are doing, if you are doing that without compassion, you are going to only make yourself feel bad or worse than you did at the start. So it is something to get to a place of confidence or to get to a place where you really feel yourself like this is me and to the point of this is me.

And you know what, even if I am single right now, I feel so me in this moment that I just know whenever that right person comes along and they meet me and we connect. Then that'll be it. I'm going to wait even for that person right now. I'm just going to focus on being and building me. Yeah. So honest action with compassion.

I love that you said the compassion because that is, you know, if anyone takes anything away, just take that, just be compassionate with yourself. Like, no, that it's okay. Where you're at, look in the mirror, you know, and just be like, it's okay. Take a deep breath. Yep. We all have work to do in every area. I do.

You do. We're always growing and evolving and unlearning the stuff that we've learned over our life. And that's okay. And the more you just lean into that and show yourself that compassion, the faster that confidence is going to grow. So that we're not overly critical of ourself and that you understand when you're working with yourself that it's almost like you want to be your biggest cheerleader.

You don't want to be your biggest critic, right? You want to review how you're doing, but you want to be your own biggest cheerleader in essence. And I can say that, you know, repeated action will get you there. I don't know if you're an NBA fan, Chrissy. Do you follow basketball? I don't, I don't, but you know what, I'm in Denver for everyone listening.

The nuggets just won. It's wild. . Yeah. Okay. So I am a huge N B A fan. I absolutely love basketball in the States. I've been to a couple games. Amazing experience. So of course I know that the Nuggets won. Leah, you should have come in for this interview. We could have celebrated together. So I was thinking to myself, you know, when we look at professional athletes, again, do we think that they got there?

Did the, you know, the guys on the team just Were they just from the get go amazing at basketball? The answer is no. If you watch enough of their stories, so I follow the entire NBA all year long, so I know all their stories, right? So you, it's always a goal that they set, but what is key in there is this repeated action.

They never lose sight of the goal. They are constantly working on it. They do fail, they do fall short, but they are constantly working on it. And that's why when we see these top athletes, sometimes we say, wow, they talk with such bravado, borderline arrogance. They're so confident, but you know what? They have actually put in the work.

They've put in new work. So it is really important that, you know, that part is not lost that even though you're saying to yourself, you know, you, you are great where you are now. There is work to be put in if you want to be have stronger self confidence, but don't be afraid of the work. Don't be afraid of the work because I promise you, if it is something that you truly want.

What is waiting for you on the other side is only better. That part is guaranteed, guaranteed. It is only better is waiting for you on the other side. It is always after growth. It is always feels better and lighter. I think that's a huge piece. It's like just lighter because you've let go of all the stories that you've been holding on to about how you're not confident and all these other things about yourself.

And. I agree. It's just a repeated action that you're taking every single day and like showing up as that person and it's not like, you know, like you sound like you've athletes and just like wake up and they're like, Oh, I'm confident. Cool. I know how to do a, cause I don't even know, like bouncing ball terms, 3.

3 point, right? Whatever it is. Like they didn't wake up, like knowing how to do that. It's they're doing it every single day. And the journey can be fun. Like it doesn't have to feel like you're like going up a mountain with like a backpack of 40 pounds on it. Doesn't have to feel that way. You can make it fun.

Like I, I, every day, I think I said this on another recent podcast, but I will like, when I go by mirrors, I just like always say something nice to myself. I'll be like, Oh, you look great today. Or like. Damn, like today I'll probably be like, you recorded a great podcast. Like, that was awesome. You did great, right?

So like, just always like affirming yourself to like support who you want to be. And that's a great way, like, if you, if you look in the mirror and be like, Damn, you're confident today. You know, whatever it is, like, give yourself something, like build yourself up. Like you said, be your own cheerleader every single day.

Absolutely. Yes. I'm so jealous. I have to say I'm jealous that you and a city that just won because it must be so much fun happening right now. Yeah. So enjoy that. Definitely. So yeah, step, step, take steps in a direction. What is on the other side is only better for you. Show up for yourself. And, you know, even if I had to sort of spin it the other way, so, you know, if we also want to go down the road of what would be worst case scenario, we didn't go down that road, which is imagine you are not showing up as yourself.

You are giving in to fear, as in essence, you are letting that become your main voice and your confidence is not growing. So how you speak, look, act, etc. It's not a reflection of who you are inside. Or maybe you're faking on the other term. So you have on a facade, I should say. More like a facade. Who you are on the outside, how you act, think, look, all of those things.

It's not really you. And you do find a partner. One, either you have to keep up the facade or you're just, you're not being yourself. And let me tell you something. I have been living with my boyfriend. We've been living together for 15 years. You cannot be with another human being in close quarters. And not be yourself, it's just, it's just going to recipe for disaster.

It, you know, I'm making fun of it, but the truth is if you, if your goal is to have a partner, be with a partner, live with a partner, I could promise you something that is, that is, as you said it earlier, that your partner is your mirror, a mirror constantly to you. And they will be challenging you as you will challenge them and it wouldn't it be better to be challenged from a place at least where you are feeling much stronger that this is actually me.

Yes. And if you're keeping up a facade, if right now maybe you are not looking or you're not acting, you know, it's something that you're putting on because you just think that's what you need to do, right? It will be too hard to keep that up in a relationship. It will be. I agree. And if you're in a relationship and you're noticing that you're not confident because that's.

That's common, right? Where we get into a relationship and then we still struggle with this, I mean, people are struggling with this throughout any age that, you know, still doing these things and also leaning on your partner because they are a mirror to support you through that and this growth, like, it can make it so much better and allow you to actually become closer if you are sharing with them what you're working on because I guarantee you that your partner Sees that you're not confident.

Like they are seeing it every day. Like they're not blind to your flaws. Like they see it. So unfortunately, yeah, exactly. And like, lean on them, like, like I said, make this fun, like lean on the people in your life, your support system, and let this journey be that like a good journey to getting to this place where you have this solid base of confidence.

Beautiful. I actually really like that one, which is getting support, whether it was support if you have trauma to get, you know, professional help, but support could just also be from those around you. I do like that. And if you are in a partnership, your number one support should be your partner.

Absolutely. And you know, you're both human beings, you're both evolving and you have to be honest about that as well. In terms of working on building your confidence, like I said, it's a daily thing. I do think something that can help with that, working on your confidence, building in. Moments for yourself in the day, sort of quiet moments.

It could, some people might consider them mindfulness moments or mindfulness practices, you know, things, whether it is meditation or deep breathing exercise or journaling I usually tell people find, you know, play along with them and see what works for you, but those are great activities to sort of just.

Center yourself and get comfortable with your own voice to get comfortable with your own thoughts. And just build a awareness around what you feel, what you're feeling, and what you're thinking. And, and with mindfulness, you have to play around with it because, for example, for myself, I tried journaling for nine months and it just wasn't my thing.

I, I could see why it could work, but it just wasn't my thing. I personally, like either meditation or deep breathing. But those are great, great activities to help you get comfortable with yourself, I find. I love those both. I'm actually the same way. I, I don't really journal too, too often. Like sometimes I will about, you know, maybe a specific thing, but I don't do it daily.

I love meditation. I meditate every day. Like I do, I'm starting to learn about breath work, which is really awesome. And like, I love those things and it's like, it's so fun. You know, I think people feel like, Oh, those are like awful things, but like, try them like one meditation. That you do is not a representation of all of them.

Like find ones that work for you or, you know, try breath work or try journaling. Just try it and see what happens. Try it out. And I think I know I resisted them for a long time, by the way. I'm, I'm a bit more high energy and I resisted for a long time. And then. I would go by this lady who do massages for me and after she repeatedly told me, you should try meditation.

You should try it. I tried it and I stuck with it because I think if you're trying anything, you need to stick with it for at least two months to see what would be the return. I stuck and I, I never have stopped since then in terms of, you know, in order to reap the benefits. You have to go in a bit long too.

But I think one of the reasons why people stop early, especially people who might be battling with low self confidence, battling with their own shortcomings and not taking action on them is that when they practice forms of mindfulness, because these are quiet moments with their self. The thoughts and feelings are sometimes a lot coming up because you're just there with your thoughts and feelings for a while, you know, and sometimes people are like, Whoa, I don't want to go there.

I'm not ready for that. I'll just stay in my world of avoiding all of those things. But I do think if you are on a path to build your self confidence, And to build your self trust, mindfulness practices will really help. I totally agree. And even starting small, like, whether it's you doing, like, a five minute meditation, or maybe, like, even just checking in with your body about how you feel every day.

That's mindfulness. Like, mindfulness is not, like, sitting there with your legs, like, folded, like a, I don't know, I always think of this scene from, like, Lion King. Do you know what I'm talking about, where, like, the monkey? I don't remember his name. Like, you know, and he was just like, you know, like, that's what people think meditation is.

It's not like that. Like do five minutes or just check in with yourself. Be like, what are the feelings I feel? What are the sensations in my body? Like, let me just be present for one minute. That's mindfulness. Just start there. Start small. If it feels so uncomfortable. Cause I've been there. I've been that person where like, I would resist so much because I was scared to be like by myself, you know, with my thoughts.

Yeah. And my feelings are just like, Nope, sorry. Can't do that. But once I just started like little increments of meditation and, you know, going to therapy and, you know, these other things like it. It changed, you know, I, I started to be like, Oh, okay, it's not so bad. And like, this actually feels great.

Absolutely. It's one of the things that has, and you know, I would see, you know, I'd see interviews of all these highly successful people who practice mindfulness, different forms of mindfulness. And I was like, you know what, come on, it has to be doing some good, but, but it is a long term game if you want to put it that way, but you will get the benefits of it.

And again, we're just looking for ways, how do I increase listening to my inner voice and following my inner voice, which really is what confidence is. Learning to listen out for your inner voice and follow it as well. Yes. So glad you said that. I agree. It's really about like, yes, that inner voice, that intuition, like whatever you want to call it, gut feeling, like really just trusting yourself.

And I will actually did a couple episodes about intuition, which I will link for everyone in the show notes that are really good. But that's part of it, like maybe that's your daily action, you know, trusting your intuition. It can be as simple, even honestly starting, sometimes I'll give this to my clients, where if we're learning to trust our intuition, I'd be like, okay, every day when you get up and you go to get dressed, go with your first instinct and that's what you're going to wear.

Just whatever like stands out to you, just wear it. And like, let it be what it is, like make it fun, you know, and just see what happens. I like that. Yeah, that is, that's powerful. That is learning to listen out and follow to your voice. I absolutely love that. One way I practice in being more intuitive is actually with my eating.

Ooh, I love that. Which is now, if you know, if you ask me, how do I eat? I would call it intuitively eating, which is really, what do I feel fun? I'll just eat that. So sometimes what I eat in for breakfast changes because my body is just telling me this is what it wants and I don't think about, there might have been times when I'm thinking about what I'm eating, you know, we all go there, the calorie intake, blah, blah, blah.

And it's very interesting again. Listening to my inner voice, I've actually just found that's been working for me. My energy levels are higher than ever. My workouts are great, and I'm just falling by eating what I feel like it. But I think there is true power, and again, this just really comes back when we started, which is looking at what is the root of that word, which is...

Self trust or self confidence, sorry, self confidence is really about self trust. We do know, we know ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly. We know ourselves, but we also know the answer and the way to what we want. It is within us, we know it. It really is within us. So it's just, some people maybe they never learn to listen to that voice.

Some people, maybe it comes and goes, but I think to anybody listening right now, you know, you have that voice, you know it, you know it. So it's just learning how do I tap into it more. And when you do tap into it. Validate it and be like, yeah, I know that's what I'm doing right now. I'm just, I'm picking out whatever I feel like wearing.

I'm just going with it. That is wild. By the way. I'm so glad you love it. It's so fun. It's so fun for my clients because they're like, this doesn't have to feel like this really hard thing. Like listening to myself, which is what's your first gut instinct? What do you want to wear? And you just go with it.

And then if it doesn't turn out great. At least, you know, now that outfit didn't work out, but you went with it, you know, you went with it. Yeah. I love how you said, at least you'd know that outfit didn't work on, you know, sometimes when we are trying things out, we are so focused on the worst case scenario and like, it's always going to end so bad.

Let's face it, maybe you did, they did try on our outfit and it wasn't great, but then it really wasn't so bad either, like it really wasn't end of the world. They still got on with their day. Absolutely. You still wore clothes. You didn't get arrested for being in public naked. Like you're good.

Everything's good. Maybe you made somebody laugh. Who knows? You can share with them the tip you got from this podcast and then send it to them and they can do the same. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, so absolutely great topic and it's interesting how confidence is something that comes up in your line of work.

It's interesting it comes up in my line of work because it all comes down to You the individual, us each person, and if we really wanna have good relationships, if we really wanna do good work, it comes down with being true to yourself and just following that path. And you know, one of my favorite books of all time, I have, every year I have a running, my favorite, my top 20 books.

And usually the same ones stay on it, and I might change one or two, but one that has always been on it is The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I'm not sure if you're familiar. It is an amazing, amazing book, and there's something that he says at the famous line in it, which is, When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

And in this book, it's really a story, it's a very short read. It's sort of like a fantasy fable, very short. And it's just the story of a young man listening to his... In a voice and following through with it and I won't give it too much, but it's, it's just reinforcing that that is really what we are all sort of meant to do.

And once we do that, it really, it works out really well. I'm going to have to put this at the top of my list. I have so many books, but I will, I will listen or i'll read it. That sounds really good. It's a goodie. Yes. Well, thank you so much for coming on today and talking about this. It's so important and you know, like you were saying like Confidence or what you were alluding to is like confidence isn't just like one area of your life if you feel confident in One area is going to, you're going to feel confident in every area because how you live your life in one area is how you live it in all areas.

And just building this up is going to change you and you're going to be operating from a totally different space. So where can my audience find you at and connect with you? Okay. So thank you so much. Once again, I really enjoyed being here, Chrissy. I enjoyed our chat and if anybody else wants to follow me on, I am on Instagram at Leah blue D'Souza.

Yes. My middle name is blue, Leah blue D'Souza. And if you search me on the Leah D'Souza, you'll find this on some other sites as well. Amazing. Well, I'll link everything in the show notes. Thank you so much. And I will talk to you soon. Okay, will do. Thank you, Chrissy. Bye, everyone