Turn Your Inner Mean Girl Into Your Inner Hype Girl & How To Minimize Negative Self-Talk Ft. Yoli Ray | Ep 41

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Yolanda "Yoli" Ray is a certified self-love, empowerment, and visual identity coach who helps people embrace self-acceptance and celebrate who they are. Integrating her skills as a portrait photographer with her coaching practice, Yoli teaches clients how to love themselves more completely so that they feel seen, heard, and valued. She offers individual and group coaching programs, with a focus on women and teen girls. Yoli utilizes her unique CLICK method to facilitate empowerment and growth to help people step fully into their power and potential. Her portrait photography and coaching aim to help people fully embrace their identities. Discover more about Yoli's transformative approach on her website www.YoliRay.com or on TikTok, Instagram and Pinterest @TheRealYoliRay. Launching Soon: The Whole Woman a 3 month group coaching program for women: TheWholeWoman.YoliRay.com/main AND Full Wattage a year long mentorship program for high school girls FullWattage.YoliRay.com/main

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Transcript

Welcome back everyone to becoming the one I am here with Yoli. Yoli say hi. Hi. I'm so happy she's here. She's so awesome. You guys. And when I met with her, I was like, I have to have her on because it's so cool. We're going to talk about today is your inner mean girl and how you can be your own best friend.

And this is so on brand, right? For becoming the one and just loving yourself. And she is a certified self love empowerment and visual identity. Coach. And she really helps people to embrace self acceptance and celebrate who they are, which I absolutely love. So first Yoli, share a little bit about yourself before we jump in.

Awesome. Thank you for having me. Yeah, so I have been a photographer for almost 10 years now. And one of the things that I found in working behind the camera is I was doing a lot of coaching people around just. Being more confident in themselves, just so I could get like genuine, authentic expressions.

And one of my goals as a photographer was to really help people feel comfortable in their own skin. And when they are done with their shoot, just walk away feeling like a million bucks. So you know, over the years, I, I was looking for just kind of ways to really enhance the service that I was offering.

And that's what really, what led me into coaching. I have, I started my practice a little about a year and a half ago now, yeah, a year and a half ago now. And I just really wanted to bring in all of the aspects of things that I love, which were just, you know, making people feel good about their self image, reframing their self image and then empowering them to pursue their dreams. 

Is it such a unique concept that you have going on? I think this is so cool. I mean, I just know I've gotten pictures taken before and I, especially the first time, felt so awkward behind the camera and I would have loved to have someone like you. Seriously, because Oh, thank you. It is. It's It's awkward being behind that camera for the first time and and just especially when you're like coming into yourself and how you  Yeah, like view yourself and that it can just be Yeah, so, almost maybe like intimidating when you get behind the camera and you're like, oh wait, what am I supposed to do? 

Am I awkward, you know and like yeah, that was totally me. So I I love this Yeah, so let's jump right in you work with a lot of people on their inner Mean girl. Can you talk to us about what that means? Yeah. So so the inner mean girl is that voice in your head that tells you that you're not good enough, that you are you know, there's  people talking about you.

There's just all that's that's that those limiting beliefs that self doubt that pops up. It's that negative self talk. And I learned about the intermingles in my, when my first quick coaching courses from Christina Arilo, she wrote a book called reform your intermingle. And so in the book, she speaks about the 13 different intermingle archetypes.

And I do use archetypes in my coaching practice, which help my clients identify who their intermingle is.  How she shows up when she shows up and how to reframe those negative thoughts to  help her tune into the voice of her inner BFF.   So  yeah, that's so cool.  So when you work with people, you know, when you work with people on this inner mean girl, do you give that inner mean girl a name? 

I do.  I do. That's part of the process. Anytime when you,  the first step to like resolving an issue is making yourself aware of it, like acknowledging whatever it is, right? So we want to acknowledge that we, A, have an intermingle, and then diffuse her by giving her a name. So let's start with  the comparison queen. 

If I had to raise my hand on this one, this is my inner mean girl right now.  And I'm sure you can probably relate. Absolutely. Comparison queen  is where you're constantly comparing yourself  to that of others. Your inner mean girl says things like you should be further along. Why aren't you as good as So and so especially now in times of social media, right hop on, on social media and you start scrolling and then the next thing you know, you are like, I'm not going to do this because mine isn't as good as fill in the blank.

So my comparison queen's name is Kathy.  And and I have been working to reframe her for a while now. It's like I said earlier, it's an ongoing process, but I use Kathy to help help reframe, you know, give me instead of. Making me feel bad about myself, showing me expanders, people who can help me rise, help me see what's possible.

So instead of like making myself feel bad it actually shows me what, what's available to me if I'm willing to put in the extra work, right?  Yeah, so she's,  I just had a.  I just had a moment right there. Okay.  Yeah, so she's helped, she's helping me with creating opportunities to not only grow in myself, but the other thing I wanted to say is that  when you see things in other people,  they're all, they're a reflection of what's already in you.

So when you reframe it from that perspective, like, Hey, how can I tap into that more?  I love that so much. I totally agree. When we see something in someone else that we really like and really admire that is actually a reflection of us like that is within us and that is who we truly are. We may not be tapping into it.

And I know I've heard, you know, I've heard people say, you know, I try to do that. It doesn't work, you know, and they try to be that thing. I'm like, yes, because you're forcing it. And When you're coming from just a place of like, yeah, this is actually already who I am. It's so much more natural and it just flows because yeah, like you are like, for example, I love people who are funny and I love making jokes and just being really silly.

And I used to feel like, yeah, I'm not funny or silly or anything like that. And. When I finally just allowed myself to be that way, then it was natural and no, I'm not like the funniest person in the room by any means, but I mean, I think I'm pretty funny,  you know, and, and yeah, I like, I can just laugh at myself now and, and just be, be more of that.

And something else you said that I thought was really impactful and like. Important to point out is that you didn't say that, like, you were just trying to get rid of comparison Kathy, right? Like this voice, it's like reframing it and it's acknowledging it and being aware of it rather than letting it take over and like control who you're being and how you're showing up and the situation that you're in when you're comparing because.

If you don't acknowledge it, if you don't try to work with it, it's going to take over and you're going to feel bad. Yeah. You're not going to want to do the thing that whatever it is, right. Even if it's like, you know,  going to maybe go dance with friends. Like they're like, Oh yeah, let's go to this dance class.

And you're like, Yeah, no, I'm not a good dancer, right? Like, and comparing yourself to all these other people, you're not going to want to go do that thing, but if you can just reframe it in a different way, like, okay, nope, that's just me. That's comparison Kathy.  She's just trying to take over, you know and realizing that, like, it's okay for you to just be you.

I think that's so powerful. Right. I totally agree. I totally agree. Yeah. Oftentimes we want to stop just like stop and eradicate  and you got to start somewhere. Right. You know, it's, it's that voice is not going to go away. Totally.  So, you learn how to,  I don't know, live  in harmony together, you know?  Yeah, it's, a lot of people want to just get rid of stuff.

Like, I never want to have negative self talk, I never want to do X, Y, or Z, and that's fine. Like, there are some habits and things that we can totally eliminate, but negative self talk and negative thoughts in general are part of life. That's part of being a human being, so you're going to have them. I think it's really just getting to a place of  Like them being much less and then knowing how to manage them and work with them when they do come up.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's the key, like reframing very quickly, you know, and I think it's Mel Robbins that has a book called like the five second rule, right? Yeah. Giving yourself that five seconds of being in that feeling and that emotion and, and then reframing the thought so you can move on. You know, and don't wallow in it. 

And another, another one of my inner mean girls inner is Anya, the achievement junkie.  Ooh. Okay. Yeah. So the achievement junkie has you basing yourself worth on all of the things that you can like do, like being after, like a perfect example is going after certifications, like how many certifications can you like hoard, acquire, going for the next degree also overworking, like going for that next promotion, burning the candle at both ends, and never stopping.

To actually celebrate the things that you have accomplished and celebrate your, your achievements and your milestones. Like, you know, check that off and moving on to the next thing.  And that's, I'm happy to say much less of an issue for me, but but yeah, it has at one point in my, in at one point in time in my life been my thing is like I'm an avid learner.

So, yeah.  I love to take a class like I feel like you, you stop learning you stop growing so I'm always taking a class, but I gotta tell you, there was a time in my life you put a certification at the end of that program I'm all in.  Just so I can say well I'm certified in that. 

But yeah, like the achievement junkie Anya.  Not really been hanging out so much because I've really kind of learned to like reel that in and really just kind of focus on the, the, the reflection and the personal growth. And  then there's Paula the perfectionist.  I bet I bet she's like holding hands with what was the other one's name Oh, Anya.

Yeah, they're like strolling together down the streets. Oh yeah, for sure.  Absolutely.  And You know, the perfectionist has  that one's been around for a long time, a long time. And anytime I start something new is when she shows up,  like, because, you know, think about this, like anytime you start something new, right.

You're not, you're not good at it. You're just getting started. Right.  So So when I started my photography business, like everything had to be perfect. Any social media post I put out, anytime I showed up somewhere, like introducing myself, like I would obsess over things like that, like the language and the wording and and just, it just had to be perfect.

It shows up as in my, it showed up in my parenting. Like, you know, we all want our kids to be perfect, but they're little human beings. They're going to like do. And be like,  oftentimes the opposite of  what it is you're trying to like, force on them. But but those are the, those are the places that, that Paula would show up.

And and then when I start, when I launched my, you know, the coaching aspect of my, of my business. Again, started kind of obsessing over like, am I saying this right? Am I doing this right? Like, you know, putting stuff out, any type of collateral, any type of marketing material. Had to be perfect. And I realized I was like, hold on a second.

We, we've already done this. We've already been down this road,  you know, had to reel her back in. Yeah.  So, this is so relatable. I can, I can so relate to these things you're saying and. You know, mine, I haven't named mine, but they're probably, you know, similar names too, because they are, I love, I love that.

I love comparison, Kathy. That's awesome. But yeah, I, I totally have similar ones and. There's been times where they've been very loud in my life, you know, especially comparison and whenever you, like you said, whenever you're starting something new, you're not good at it, but we want to be, we have this like a need to be just so much better at it and one of the things I've.

been able to step back and realize is that it's not about the ends. Like if I was like learning to play guitar, for example, which I haven't learned how to do that, but I want to, and you know, if I was to do that, it's really about the process of learning it rather than just being so amazing and good. And like, you know, cause there's always room to grow too.

So where's the end point, right? It doesn't even make logical sense that you would it. Get to some level because there's always improvement. You can make. That's right. That's right. I want to love that. You just said that, but it doesn't even make sense because  you're growing and evolving every day that you're taking breath. 

Absolutely. Yeah. How, what level is it that you're trying to achieve? Because you're always going to want more. And I think that's what. We get sucked into and especially when we're talking about perfectionism is that there is no level of perfect So you're just continuing to achieve and achieve and achieve and that it's really something deeper that's going on And you have to start with that awareness and reframing it and leaning into what is really going on here that I want to keep Achieving this thing and being perfect at this thing. 

You mentioned archetypes I think maybe at the beginning, or I know there are some of those. So are those the Mean Girls that you're talking about, or are these different? What are the archetypes for this inner Mean Girl?  So those are the three of them, but the , the three that I have the most experience with  that are of the 13, you know.

Okay. And there are other types of archetypes that coaches use. The inner saboteur,  the inner critic, the inner judge. There's I, I recently read somewhere someone uses kind of the, the, the goddess archetypes. I'm not familiar with. With which ones they are, but for my practice, I really relate really, really related to and the intermingles really resonated with me.

So so those are the ones that I use and and refer to in my coaching practice. Other. So those are three of the 13. There's the doing addict. The doing addict is which I also have experience with, but we won't go there. It's the same.  There's so much to do. There's so much to get done. I can't stop.

I can't relax. I can't  do, you know, practice self care because I have this, this, and this to do. It's the 18, 001  things to do on your to do list and you don't have time to whatever. Yoli, I feel like you're calling me out right now.  For real. Okay. This is, this is my archetype, you guys. That's she's been, she's been strong. 

She's feisty.  Yeah.  Oh, getting a little hot under the collar, right?  Totally calling me out. Okay. So, hold on. So there's 13 and there's comparison.  There's the perfectionism.  And then who was the other 1 that you mentioned achievement achievements. Yep. And there's the doer in the doer, the drama queen. Ooh.

Okay. Drama queen. Who's that? The drama queen thinks that there's somebody that people are always talking about her. She kind of like, you know, either, either engages in or participates in gossips just like there's always got to have this chaos is what she's kind of drawn to. So any type of chaotic situation, whether she's creating it in her own own life, that self sabotage that shows up.

Is created by that drama  and that fuels her. But yeah, that feels that, that intermingle archetype. Then there's the fixer. The fixer focuses on, avoids our own problems by focusing on everyone else's problems. Like how can she help  fix, enhance, improve your situation while her, you know, meanwhile, she's burying her head in the sand with what's going on in her own life. 

Then there's the good girl. And I know a lot of people resonate with this one. This one's the, the people pleaser,  always like putting herself on the back burner by trying to do and be everything everyone else wants or needs so that she can be liked so that she can feel loved.  And then there's the head, the head tripper,  the head tripper discourages you from using your intuition.

It's very much the logical, like it's gotta make sense in the head,  but coming from a place of that intuition, you know,  coming from the intuition perspective.  Is where you can feel, you, where you feel things in your body. It's that quiet  gut feeling, that, that nudge, that gnat, that, that pull towards what's right and what's aligned.

And the head tripper kind of gets you stuck in the, you know, that just doesn't make sense. Like, let's get logical about this. Totally  makes sense. Yes, I'm honestly, we're only at eight and I can relate to every single one of these on some level. I mean, truly, I mean, yeah, I have points in my life, especially that some of these feel like they've been so strong.

And like I said before, you know, I really don't think it's about them going away like we're all going to have moments where we fall into some of these, it's just getting them to a level where they're not running the show but we can like recognize them. But yeah, definitely some of these are standing out to me.

Totally makes sense. Yeah. But the head trippers really difficult for people who are dreamers, who I, who they head trippers. Like I wanna, yeah. I'm a dreamer and I like big dreams. And I feel like the bigger the dream, you know, the, the,  you know, the scarier it is, but, and  the head trooper comes in and says, you know, I need you to be realistic.

Pull it back. Right. Pull it back in. The super woman.  The superwoman, which I feel like a lot of moms really can relate to this and business owners because there's so many hats that you wear, you know but the superwoman says,  you know, if you ask for help it's a sign of weakness. So just keep pushing through, just be strong, you know, and there are times in our life where, you know, we're just tired.

Of being strong, tired of being the strong one. We, you know, we need, we need to be held. We need support. Right. And you know, it's exhausting.  It's exhausting being everything that, you know, all the time  and doing it all yourself, which brings us to the martyr. The martyr.  The martyr uses self sacrifice as the measurement of. 

The success metric, like, you know, how can I deny my, my needs, my own you know, put, put myself on the back burner to put other people ahead. And like, that is  the measurement of success.  The the cheerleader or the partier is the.  Overly optimistic. I think. Like, no, you can't see me dancing right now, but she's like, yeah, let's go.

Let's do it.  , you know, the overindulgent over, just over anything like overspending, overindulge, like just, you know, we'll worry about the consequences of that later. For now, let's just do whatever feels good.  This reminds me of the people who, and, and, and maybe even like the entire era of like Yolo. And like, treat yourself, you know, like, it doesn't matter, like, you deserve it, you know, like, like, these, like, really, like, over the top thoughts that there was, it was definitely trending for a while, like, this whole yellow, you know, treat yourself thing.

Do you feel like that relates to this cheerleader? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Because so what happens is you, you can,  you can overindulge, like you can over treat yourself when you start, for example, overspending. Why don't I have the cash for this? We're just going to put it on a credit card. Just going to put it on a credit card.

It's a perfect example of Over treating yourself  when it's not in your budget you could find yourself in a not so pleasant position from, you know,  leaning into that too much, leaning, leaning too much that way.    What number are we on?  We are on 12. Got two more. Oh, oh, okay. The rejection  queen often feels,  Unworthy.

Like they don't fit in. Oftentimes you create in your head that you don't fit in  to this group of friends or to that network of whatever. And,  and, and by, you know, allowing yourself to get caught up in your head and that you created an environment that, you know, has not rejected you yet. You've rejected yourself before putting yourself out there. 

And then the worrywart who is also always worried about borrowing from tomorrow's problems. So worrying about the future worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. Just constantly in that state of what if,  the negative state of what if, not the possibility state of what if. 

Totally. I'm going to rename this one to the Anxiety Queen. Yeah, I like that. That's,  I can strongly relate to this one. And I would call this the Anxiety Queen in my world. That, that's her name. These are so relatable. Okay. So I know that everyone listening, I bet some people are like, Oh my gosh, I fit into most of these things on some level.

Right. And, and they're starting to see how this is  not feeling so good in their life. They're falling into these. So how do we move into lessening these, bringing these down to a place where we are feeling a lot better and that we can manage these when they come up?  That's a great question. So I love to say to my clients, let's flip the script.

On your inner Mean Girl and amplify the voice of your inner BFF. And it starts with getting really clear about and identifying who your inner Mean Girl or who your inner Mean Girls are and and, and then identifying how they show up. And this is kind of one of the things that, like, we, we walk through in You know, in our, in our sessions is how is, how is your inner mean girl, whichever one is the one we're doing the most work on showing up in your day to day and all aspects of your life, like how she's showing up when it comes to your relationships, how she's showing up at work, how she's showing up In your friend group at home, like let's look at all of the aspects of your life and see how she's showing up and what are the thoughts that are recurring and then reframing  those thoughts to the possibility. 

Now, the big, big thing here is  tuning into  your intuition, which we call the inner BFF, and that's the quieter voice, right? The inner Mean Girls talking loud like you're not going to miss.  You know, anything that she has to say, but listening to the inner mean girl, I mean, the inner BFF, that's a quieter voice.

And so we want to turn up the volume there by reframing the thoughts that Anya or Kathy or Paula, or whomever your inner mean girl, whoever you name your inner mean girl how's she showing up? Like, how are we going to reframe what she says into the voice of our highest Self.  These thoughts aren't serving me.

How can I reframe those?  And for the possibility, for the growth.  For the support  and the more we do that and the faster we're able to learn to do that. That's when we really start to develop  and see the shift happen.  What's an example of reframing  these thoughts? How would we even how would we even start to do that?

Like, what's what does that look like?  Great question. So let's let's talk about your the anxiety queen. What's something that  she might say  to you?  My anxiety queen. Let's see. What would she say? I think she would say that  She is worried about how things are going to work out and then she'll replay the situation over and over and over and over and we get nowhere.

So then it just turns into a bunch of anxiety because it doesn't actually help to replay 18 different situations and how they could go in your head 15 times. Right, right. So,  I think the, like, for me, like, the first step would be like, okay, let's, let's  Let's talk about the situation  and how, how might it play out for your best or your highest good? 

I mean, answer that question. Yeah. So like, what would be the best case scenario? Yeah. What would be the best case scenario?  That's good.   Go ahead. No, no, go ahead. So then I would say something like, okay, so what's one, what would be the first step in moving in that direction?  Okay. I like that.  That would be the first step in the direction.

Well, then I would say, you know, if I was thinking, oh, let's just make up something. Okay. If I was worried about okay, this is a good one. I'm actually not worried about this, but I know this comes up a lot for people, but if I'm like, oh, like. My flights, right? It's going to be, I'm doing a 40, I think it's like 43 hour flights to Bali in a few days.

Okay. So I'm actually not worried about the travel, but I know a lot of people are. So I'm going to use this as an example. So if I'm worried, what would happen would be I would think about you know, my flights and then I would play out every situation that could possibly go wrong multiple times.  And so if you were to ask me, like, what's the best case scenario, then I would say.

Best case scenario is all my flights are on time signs are easy to follow and I get to my gate super easily.  Okay, super. Okay, that's great. So, what would be the first thing that you could do to ensure That you're the first leg of your flight is comfortable.  I could pick a great travel outfit so that I feel really comfortable.

I can make sure I don't forget my travel pillow. That's very helpful. I could also make sure that I identify you know, an information desk when I get to the airport, if that's something that I need to, to ask if I have any questions or I can't find my gauge that I don't like wander around. I just immediately go to the information desk and just ask them.

So I don't spend time like wasting and having anxiety about where the heck I go, you know, on this  plane.  Yeah, and making sure I have all my flight information and that I have like any documentation I have, you know, got my passport, you know, I plan with my visa and everything ahead of time.  That's what I would do.

Okay, super. And so how are you feeling about, like, this action plan for that first leg of your flight? How are you feeling about that?  I mean, that feels good because that's what I've already done. But if I was worried, that would feel really good to me. Because I'd be like, oh yeah, okay, okay, I got this.

Like, I know exactly what to do, right? Right. And sometimes to and I love that you're doing this little mini coaching session with me. This is fantastic.  This is similar to what I do with people too. And I'm like, okay, awesome. And I help them also generate those ideas because sometimes we're so worried and like caught up in that anxiety where.

We actually can't think of the, the solutions or what it would look like for that to even happen.  And one of my questions for you would be, how do you work with people when they're doing this? But then let's say I was like, okay, I am. I don't know. Like, yeah, that all sounds good, but what if this happens and what if this happens?

Or what if I can't find the information desk? Or what if I forget X, Y, or Z? Like, how would you handle that with somebody?  I'm kind of, I would probably just walk them through the  similar scenario like we just did. All right. So what if you can't, what's the worst that would happen?  Yeah, I forgot my hairdryer.

What's the worst thing that could happen if you forgot your hairdryer?  You could buy a hairdryer there. Bali does have hairdryers.  Yeah, right. So I think it's, I think,  you know, when you're caught up in that cycle of what if this happens, what if this happens, what if this happens, we can do the best case, worst case to lower that level of anxiety.

And then I, I  use the scale of one to 10 a lot. A scale of one to 10 10 being the best one being the worst, like.  In terms of your level of stress, how stressful of that of the situation would that be for you? And then and then in the worst, in the best case scenario, where do you land on that scale of 1 to 10 now? 

And it's just, you know, once  you sometimes I feel like, you know, when we get caught up in that cycle  of what if, and all of the,  the worst possible case scenarios it's.  It's amplified because it's like you, you still keep, you know, you keep adding to the list. Right. So when you keep adding to the list, it just really magnifies everything.

And it's, it's a matter of bringing you back to center.  Some tools that I have used is, you know, deep breathing you know, meditation  and visualization exercises when it gets to that level. So bringing you kind of back to a place of.  It would not be the worst thing if I forgot my hairdryer because they, I could buy one there, right?

The hotel that I'm staying in likely has one there. And so just kind of getting them back to a situation, a place where  let's think through how we would solve this in the moment.   That makes sense.  It does. Some of the questions that I ask myself and I ask my clients are when it, when it comes to these type of things is like you know, how is that, is this helping you to reach your goal? 

And the answer is probably no. Right. Or like, is this helping you to think this? And the answer is like, probably no. And it's good to ask yourself that like,  Is this actually helping you? No. So why are you thinking it? Right? Like, even if that does happen, like this worst case scenario, and all you can think about it is all the what ifs, like, it's not actually serving you to go down that list of what ifs.

So, even if you, you know, are struggling to think about the best case scenario, like, what's the worst that can happen if you just Believe that or you just prepared yourself for any of those things, you know, because really, if I was in the situation and I was worried about this flying and all of that, all I really need is my passport and like my phone charger, you know, like those are really like the two essentials that I need.

And as long as I can remember those, I think I'll be okay. Like you can buy stuff when you're there. Both countries, if not all, you can buy clothes, you can buy a hair dryer, like, even if so, your hair is going to be fine, like, they have shampoo there, it may not be ideal, but like, you're going to be fine.

And that's how most situations are, like, everything is going to be fine, you've made it through 100 percent of the days that you've lived so far. So you're going to be good, like it's going to be okay, and it may not be comfortable, but you're going to live like it's going to be okay. Yeah. Anxiety is really about this feeling of safety and feeling  safe in the present and safe to know that whatever comes is going to be okay. 

And when you don't feel that, that's when the anxiety comes in and it's really overpowering because we worry so much about how the situations are going to play out, but either way, you already know you can handle it. Yeah. Yeah.  So how do we move into being our own BFF? Because this is, this is cool. I love all of these, but we don't want them running the show.

We want to be our own.  That's right. We want, we don't want them running the show. It's so funny because like the first step is learning to, like I said, leaning into your intuition and turning up the voice of your inner BFF.  Like, what is your, What is your intuition telling you and the more we begin to develop that self trust in our, in that self trust muscle by listening to and following our, our intuition, the louder that voice gets, right?

So that's how we end up turning down. And so, and it's really about learning to connect  with that person, that side of you. And there are many different tools that you can use like journaling meditation. 

Any type of self reflection where you can really get clear on who you are and what it is you want, what your core values are, and  if your choices or decisions or movements throughout your day to day are in alignment with that that's how you begin to  really learn who, you know, learn your BFF, your inner BFF and be your own best friend.

I am embarking on a challenge  That I that I'm actually going to be sharing very soon. It's, it's a date yourself challenge  and I'm going to do it for a year.  I'm going to do it for a whole year and I'll be inviting my followers to come with me on the journey and date themselves for, you know, a six month challenge at a time. 

And and yeah, so just  in it, in it's self care practices, it's doing things, learning to find things that you enjoy. If you're not sure what it is that you enjoy taking yourself out for coffee, taking yourself out for lunch taking yourself out for dinner buying yourself flowers. Like, things to and, and not, I mean, these are self, these are dates with yourself.

Not dates like I'm taking myself out with my friends. That's a friend date. No, these are, these are things that you're going to do with yourself, whether that be, you know, I'm going to spend two hours on Sunday afternoon, just reading this delicious book. I'm going to cook a fancy meal for myself. Like, Showing yourself, compassion, appreciation, and love is how you begin to be your own best friend. 

Is this just for single people or can people in relationships also do this?  Oh yeah, absolutely. You can do this in relationships, but remember like dating yourself. That's what, you know, I love  dating yourself is. About being with yourself, showing, and, and really tapping into that reflection time for the personal growth.

But what's important to note is that when you're in a relationship, I think you are really working to develop the whole person. So that you can show up fully and give yourself fully to the other person.   It's all about becoming the one. 

It's all about becoming the one. It is, it is, it is. How else do we,  how else do we start to build this self trust? Great question. So,  you know, again, it starts with awareness. So and learning how, how your intuition speaks to you. There are essentially four ways. And I can't think of the. 

I don't know scientific term, but for all of them, but like it's clear  audience clear.  Clear. There's two more and I can't think of the other two. I was, those two come right up, but the other two, you know but it's, it's basically like seeing, hearing, feeling in your body,  like having that that gut feeling like you just know

And, and which, you know, that's how is your intuition speaking to you like for I'm a visual person. So I like, see, I see things and that's like the primary way my intuition speaks to me. And then the secondary would be an auditory experience. Like, I don't like hear a voice, but like, I hear it in my head.

If that makes sense. So getting clear about how your intuition actually does speak to you and then learning to lean into that,  you know and then, you know, some people just know like you just, I just, I don't know how I know this, but I just know that this is the right way, the right path, the right thing to do.

Some people feel in their, in their, in their body, like you might feel something in your In your stomach or in your chest that says or you just feel this, like, like maybe it's a sense of calm that this is the right decision or the right choice, but so figuring out how your intuition speaks to you and so that you know what it, what it, what it is when it shows up,  you know, when you're leaning into it, Oh, this is what that is, you know?

Yeah, that's a great question.   I lost my thought, but it's fine. Intuition is so cool to lean into and for me, it's definitely a knowing like I just know something and it also is similar to what you said where I don't actually hear a voice, but it's almost like a sentence in my head. It's like a thought like I know  something I just know and it comes in the form of a thought and a lot of times it comes in the thought where it's repeating in my head. 

And I'm like, and you know, it's very easy to analyze it, maybe go into what was the,  the, the head tripper. That was it. The head tripper. Right. We started to get logical and I'm like, oh, well, that really doesn't make sense. Or maybe that's not it. But I've learned that, especially because I would, I've looked back at situations where.

I was like, I knew this wasn't right. And I'm like, how did I know that? You know, looking back in those times was really helpful to me. And that's how I learned to trust that voice, that intuition and the gut feeling of like, Oh yeah, I knew it this whole time. I just didn't want to hear it. Right.  Now I can lean into it more because I know that that's how I received those messages.

And I know that that's, what's right for me. Yeah, that's beautiful.  And gosh, you know, doesn't it feel great when you're like,   like when you have learned that that's, that's how it operates for you? Like, isn't that just the best feeling?  It absolutely is. It feels so good. And it doesn't always mean that it's easy or I wouldn't even put the word right.

I don't believe in like right or wrong decisions. It's really about just what feels good to you, what you feel in the moment is the right thing for you, because sometimes it doesn't make sense. Sometimes there isn't necessarily this, you know, clear reason why, or, you know, Whatever the, the head tripper is trying to figure out,  sometimes it's just not that, not everything has to make sense.

Like we have to accept this. Some things just do not make sense, but if it feels good to you and that's what your intuition is telling you, then that's, if you want to put a label on it, maybe that's the right thing. You should follow it. See what happens.  Yeah. Yeah. And you know, the other thing I found too, is that it's not going to be, it, it, it, it's not going to be like,  You have that one thought and then  they're not, there's other signs like that you're, you're walking in alignment.

So you have that thought or that feeling and then there's going to be other things that show up in your life and your circumstance. That's going to be confirmation  and and, and take you back to that place, that feeling, that thought, that that voice  and, Yeah.  And it's going to keep showing up like you're, you're to know so that you have the, the confirmation that you need that you're on the right,  on the right path,  you're headed in the right direction. 

Totally. And a lot of times it's also especially okay when we talk about like relationships or situations.  It's good to really lean into what's really happening, and not necessarily that you're going into like logical mode, it's just like being an observer of things that are happening. So one of the ways that I started to lean into my intuition and my gut and like learning how to trust myself was looking back with relationships. 

And when I looked at it, it was like, okay, I had, I had all these thoughts, like I'll just, for example, I had a relationship where I kept thinking that I needed to break up with them, but then I would go into my logical mode and be like, no, you're just like, I blame on other things, you know, I'd be like, oh, you're just I don't know, scared of X, Y, or Z, which was not even true.

Right. I was trying to rationalize it, but when I looked at their behavior, their behavior was also in alignment with my thoughts. Okay. No, like they were doing things that were very clearly not in alignment with me and the right thing for me.  And I also had those thoughts, like the evidence was there.  I just didn't want to, to make that choice at the time.

And that's fine. And we all have the choice. You can choose to listen to it or not listen to it. It will very likely, at least in my experience, it's not going to change anything. For you internally, like you're still gonna, your intuition is right for you,  like, that's going to be there, but it doesn't, you can listen to it or not listen to it,  right?

And I believe that when we don't listen to it, that the universe will start to drop even bigger pebbles for you to see.  You know, it's like, it's like, okay, this relationship, okay, here's like a little pebble and here's your intuition, but also like. Here's a pebble to show you didn't listen. Okay. Well, here's a bigger rock.

Okay. Even bigger rock. Okay. You didn't listen. Well, here's a boulder. Let me blow up everything.  And now, you know, you know, and that was me. I had to get the boulder before I got the message. But it was me like I needed to just listen to that and trust myself to make those decisions. And yeah, I think that happens pretty often when we don't listen to it is like the evidence will build up and we can blame it on external things.

But like, looking back, at least for me, I don't know if you have this experience, but like, I always knew, like, I was like, I always knew, you know.  Yeah, no, I completely relate to that experience  and you know, it's, it's like, okay, so imagine that you're having this conversation with your best friend and your best friend is saying to you, girl, he's not right for you.

Like, girl, did you not see what he did on Tuesday, on Friday? Like look at the signs. They're all there. And you're like, yeah, I know. Yeah. I know. I'm just kind of playing it out as if it was a conversation with your best friend. And that's. Who only wants you to see you happy, who only wants what's best for you, who wants you to be successful and, you know, only what's the best things for you  and that,  and she's going to keep showing up,  telling you,  warning you,  dropping the big boulders on you, like you said You know, and yeah, I, I completely agree with you on that. 

Yeah, you have free will to do whatever you want and learning to talk to yourself like your own best friend. I mean, I, I am so happy you're on talking about this because this is such a thing that I talk about with people is like,  you would never talk to your best friend like the way that you're talking to yourself.

I say this to people all the time. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.  Yes. Would you be like, you look so fat and gross in that outfit.  Like you sweet. Okay. I think you broke up. Can you hear me? Okay.  Hold on. You're breaking up. Oh my goodness. That's so true. And you would never  hold on. Hold on.  You can hear me. 

I know we're breaking up. Hold on. 

Okay. Hold on.  Yeah. There we go. Okay. Can you hear me?  No. 

Okay. There we go. I think you're back now.  Okay. Perfect. Okay. Okay. I'm going to just repeat all of that because I think you heard it, but it like cut out a little bit. Okay. Yeah. You would never say to your best friend, like, Oh, you look so fat and gross in that outfit. Like you would never say that to somebody.

Right,  but yet we say it to ourselves. We're like, oh man, I look fat in this. Like you would not say that you need to talk to yourself like your best friend that is showing yourself compassion that is showing yourself love. You can, you can obviously say to yourself, okay, this may not be the most flattering outfit.

You would maybe say that to a friend. Cool. But that's super different than being like, yeah, you look like shit in that. Yeah. Would just not do that.  Totally.  Yep. That's a big part of like learning to reframe the negative self talk really flipping the script is like talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone that you care about  because the most important relationship that you have ever is the relationship that you have with yourself.

The way you treat yourself not only teaches others how to treat you, but it's also indication of how  to you're modeling the behavior. Of how others can also.  Empower themselves to love themselves more completely and set the standard for how to treat themselves and how others should treat them. 

That is the most powerful thing, I think, out of this whole episode. Yes.  You are showing other people, you are modeling to them. Especially I mean, just like the people in your life, especially if you have kids, they're always listening when, even if, you know, you're the people around you, your friends, like I have an, an example.

I had a client who I was working with a coaching client and, you know her friends would say to her that she was really anxious, right. They would like make comments about it. And she would also used to do that. And we were working on. Stepping away from that identity of an anxious person, because if that's your identity, it's really hard then to like not be anxious, right?

Because that's how you identify yourself.  And they kept saying it to her as we were changing this. And one of the things we talked about was her not using that language around them, right? Shifting that language in her own way. And also letting her friends know that that was, she didn't want to be identified as that anymore. 

And so.  You showing people how you want to be treated, like they're going to follow suit. And if they don't letting them know that, Hey, this is not who I am anymore. Or like, this is not working for me or serving me or you to say that about me or even like, I don't know, this may be like a little tangent, you know, but like letting other people know that too.

Because if someone else is saying something mean to themselves or like putting themselves down and you're their friend, like saying to them, Hey, that's kind of mean, actually, like you're doing amazing on whatever it is, or, you know, pointing out the things that, that they are doing. That's really great.

And helping them to see that because that's also helping you to do that as well. Like, if you're like agreeing with your friend, when she talks shit about herself, that's really fueling your inner mean girls too. Yep. Absolutely.  Absolutely.  So I know you mentioned to me that you have, I think it's a free self love class. 

Yes so I am going to be hosting a free masterclass called This is Self Love.  And at the,  middle of November. And you can find details of that on my website and a link to the recorded webinar. Amazing. Well, definitely have it linked in the show notes because this was so good. I think that'd be so helpful.

Who, you know, I didn't even Matter who you are, even if you have self love, you can always use more. It's not black or white. Like, I think self love, everything we're talking about. It's all just like a scale. I look at it as, I don't know why I have this image in my mind. I should just create like a little graphic because I think it's so fun.

Where it's like a tube, you know, where you just have this tube of like whatever it is. Because it's not, it's not black or white. Nothing is black or white. You know, you're like, you're interviewing girls. They're always going to be there. We all have them. And like, it's like filling that, that tube up so much to where if they show up, like you can just, you know, lower their voices a little bit and like self love it's like, yeah, some days we're going to have a lot of self love.

Some days it's going to be a little lower, but just like crossing a threshold to where you just feel really good. So we can always use more. I'm a huge advocate of that. Like let's just love ourselves so much. 

That's right.  Love it. Well, thank you so much for coming on today. I loved having you. It's such a good conversation. Where is the best place for my followers to find you at? And of course I'll link the, the masterclass, but is, are you like on Instagram, your website? No, thank you so much for having me.

This has been a great conversation. I've really, really, really enjoyed it. And you can follow me on Tik TOK at hey, it's Yoli or Instagram at the real Yoli Ray.  I love it. Amazing. Well, thank you so much again.