6 Ways To Know You've Found "THE ONE" Ft Sam and Elliot Archuleta | Ep 43

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THIS EPISODE IS FULL OF JUICY NUGGETS! This is seriously a MUST listen (no, really, I'm obsessed with this episode hehe) In this episode, I spoke with Sam & Elliot, who share details about their relationship and how they knew each other was "the one".  In this convo, we are diving deep into 6 essential ways to know + lots of insights + tips. We also explore how to stay connected in your relationship,  understanding your partner to prevent unnecessary fights, and nurturing your relationship. 

What You'll Learn:
» 6 ways to tell if someone is "the one" and in the right relationship
» What a healthy relationship looks & feels like
» How to avoids fights
» Keeping connected in your relationship
» Navigating complexities & tough times in your relationship

Sam and Elliot dive head first into all things human connection with Something More Human. Driven by countless conversations with individuals from all walks of life, the desire for authentic, in person connection is evident. Delving into the intricacies of human relationships, from the nuances of romantic partnerships to navigating the challenges of making friends as adults and even cultivating a supportive community as an entrepreneur, Something More Human not only inspires an escape from superficiality and a return to real, deep connection but shares tangible tips and strategies for listeners to implement in their own lives. The Something More Human movement is reviving the lost art of connection by blending intimate podcasts dialogues with the joy and need of real-life community gatherings. Sam and Elliot invite you to join them, and together, create something more human.

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xx Christina

Themes: finding the one, right relationship, love, romance, overcoming issues, healthy relationship

Transcript

Welcome back, everyone. And if you're new, I'm so happy that you're here. So I am here with Elliot and Sam. First off, usually I say say hi, but there's two of you. So I'll start with Sam. Say hi.  Hey, everybody. I'm Sam. And Elliot. What's up guys? I'm Elliot. Nice to meet everybody in the future.  . I'm so excited that they're here.

Because this is such a juicy podcast, we're gonna be recording about how you know that you found the one. So first I'd love to dive in and hear a little bit about each of you, and then I'd love to talk about your relationship. And they also have a podcast something more human, I say. Right? Okay.

Awesome. Mm-Hmm. And I've been listening, actually they have an episode kind of similar and I was so excited for them to come on and talk about this because this is something I think we all like kind of think about like how do you know if you like found the one how you know it's the right person  and they have such a cool relationship.

And so let's jump in. Let's start with Sam sharing just a little bit about yourself.  Yeah, for sure. So I have a very funny background. I have a degree in dance. I have a degree in chemistry. I have a winding journey to podcasting and a very quick journey to Elliot. So we got married in 2018  and we actually got engaged after five months.

So it's been a wild ride. And we love all things, human connection from marriage and love all the way through making friends as an adult and human connections of all shapes and sizes, which we'll tell you more about in just a bit.  And Elliot. Yeah. Yeah. So I am a wedding photographer and turned, turned podcaster, but yeah about me, I mean, we're, we're, we're living in Denver now, which is, which is really cool.

So we moved here in April. We've been, we're Albuquerque natives basically born and raised really, really enjoying Denver so far. But I mean, I guess you already sort of told our story a little bit, Sam, but Sam and I met basically sort of through our, our passions. Kind of combined. Right. So Sam was a dancer at UNM at the local university.

I was a photographer and she needed, she needed a a dance project filmed. And so, you know, I did that for her. And then, you know, we fell in love really quickly, like really, really quickly. And five months later we were engaged. And then a year later we were married and here we are five years later.

So it has been a wild ride indeed, but I think we're, we're, we're happy. Right. We seem, I think we're pretty happy at the moment. So I'd say so. Yeah. So.  I love the way you're like, right, right. Just clarify.  That's such a cool story. I didn't know. That's how you guys met.  Yeah. It's funny too. Cause like, we don't even actually know how people are like, well, how did you meet?

And we're like, actually, we don't really have like a memory of us meeting. It's a, it's a really small community in Albuquerque. So like I think I was dating someone in the program as they were graduating. I think Sam was coming into the program. And so like we, Sam and I were like friends on Facebook and like had each other's numbers and like don't actually know even how or why.

And, but you know, we would see each other now and then through, through the scene in Albuquerque. And then we just, we just kind of happened to cross paths again and at the right, at the right time. And so it was definitely. If you don't believe in God or higher power, like that was like, whoa, okay, this is, this is something special for sure.

So it's pretty, it's pretty, pretty, pretty cool story, honestly. It is. Sam can't, and Sam can't can never let me go without saying that I told her I loved her first over text, which is technically true.  And that was like in the first two weeks. So everything happened really, really quick. But when you know, we really believe that when you know, you know, and I think we'll, we'll talk more about that later.

But but yeah.  Amazing. You know, I think on this topic of like, how, you know, you found the one, a lot of people think it's just this bliss the whole time that it's just like, Oh, everything's great. Like that. It's always like that even at the beginning. And I know personally,  that is not true. And I know you guys agree.

So I'd love to hear Your relationship story, like, how did it evolve for you to be at this place where you not only live together, you also work together, and I know you do a lot of things together, also like you have your separateness of course but you do a lot together, so tell us how you got to here. 

Yeah, I think we spend more time together than your average couple, for sure. We look back on weeks and we're like, wow, we don't really spend time anywhere else besides next to each other, which is amazing in a lot of ways. And, like, we want to murder each other. Very often, it's a thing. So, we got engaged in five months, right?

So that bliss was totally there.  And this sense of when you know you know, I do want to come back later and talk about, like, what the heck does that even mean? I'm a very logical, A brain, like, person, so I'm like, really, what does that mean? Like, The list. What does that mean? But that sort of intangibility was at the beginning.

And we actually waited to live together until we were married. Which wasn't that much time, right? We had probably been dating and together about that like 18 month, two year mark. And so our first year of marriage we were learning how to cohabitate. Neither of us had ever lived with a partner before. 

That was incredibly difficult. I was a double major in my undergrad, so I took Friday off to hang out with my ladies. We got married Saturday. Elliot moved in Sunday. I went back to school Monday. So we waited another, you know, month or two after getting married to enjoy our honeymoon. So that kind of like honeymoon bliss to, to soak in being married was delayed.

And we just did not have a good time. Our first year of marriage, we were figuring each other out. We were figuring ourselves out. We were figuring out how to live together. I am very messy at heart and Elliot's a little bit more tidy and neat, and OCD. And so it was quite a journey. We really attribute a lot of our success to a couples therapist.

Couldn't recommend it more. Elliot, do you wanna share any more about kind of the winding road from there?  Yeah. I mean.  I think that we, I can't, for some reason while Sam's talking, I, I feel the need to share like, I, I think we were trying to appease our parents, you know, my parents are pretty religious, Sam's not as much, but that's kind of like, I think that's the reason why I didn't move in before we got married, I think that we want, you know, we had a very kind of religious ceremony and, and, you know, I think that we really wanted to, I more than anybody wanted to sort of appease my parents and, and make them happy, so I don't, I I don't want to say there's regrets, but I think that it definitely set us up for a very difficult first year of marriage.

I mean, we almost didn't go on our honeymoon. The, the, the juiciness, you were talking about the juicy story, you want to hear a juicy story, like, we were fighting, you know, the night of our honeymoon, and crying, and our, we had, we had a red eye, so, you know, it was late at night, and I remember very vividly just,  Like, like, why are we even doing this?

Like, why are we even going? So that, you know, our honeymoon was rough. And so we had a really rough first year of marriage. And we, Sam and I, Sam and I talk about it a lot lately. Especially just having podcast episodes every other week. We're talking about it a lot. But we just always wanted to be right.

That was the thing. It's like, we were very egotistical. And it was like, it wasn't, it wasn't a team minded thing at all, right? It was just wanting to be right all the time. And it took going to therapy for a couple of years to, I think, save our marriage and also, you know, get us to, you know, learn quite a bit about ourselves and, and get some tools, you know, and and then we just, you know, now we're, now we feel like a team.

And so we do hang out a lot. And I feel like now that's why it works because like, we, we really do feel like best friends. Like we, we do hang out. It feels like a slumber party sometimes at night, just hanging out and and having a good time, you know, like we just, we, we do have a good time. Obviously there are struggles we'll talk about, but yeah, I just feel the need to mention that part is like. 

Trying to appease the parents doesn't always work. It set us up for a pretty wild ride, I think, and, but we're here now, and it worked out in our favor, but it was a pretty bumpy first two years, so. Yeah, I would say that a little kind of timeline from then to now, we got married in 2018,  did this journey of figuring out how do we cohabitate, how do we collaborate as a team, how do we stop fighting to be right and start fighting to be collaborative and to be a team and to move forward as one.

And like, that's the point, right? Like you want to build a life with the person that you're married to. So in late 2019, we decided to start a collaborative Elliot's a photographer. I'm a dancer. We had made dance films in the past and we applied for an international residency and we were like, we're going to do this thing.

Like, let's try and really make this into. a bigger picture way for us to collaborate outside of being life partners. We were  a good time. We were really excited. We built this like amazing proposal. We had all these big dreams. Of course, now here comes 2020, here comes Covid. That was all totally derailed and that's okay.

So we in 2021 bought podcasting equipment and we were like, okay, maybe a podcast is the way that we collaborate. And then we are very, very opposite, so it was a struggle to kind of figure out what is the thing that we're both passionate enough about to collaborate long term on a podcast, and we sat on that equipment until  2023, we moved to Denver, and we launched something more human, and so it's really kind of this Collaboration around human connection and our passion for  being in meaningful community with people that has brought us to this point and has brought us to a really awesome place where we can see where we're going down the line, and that's often a difficult thing to figure out, like, where are we going?

And what's the plan? What's the roadmap? And we're still, we're still figuring it out.  I love that you shared, Elliot. I just want to go back to what you said about, like, how the night before your honeymoon when you were leaving, like, was really awful. And I think a lot of people think that, I mean, they do, like, that it's supposed to be this amazing experience and it's just bliss all the time, like, going back to that idea.

But that's really normal. Like, I think it's so hard, especially when Things do move really fast or you haven't worked through certain issues yet. Like they come out, especially in times of stress, even good times. Like typically it's like holidays and vacations, like that's typically when people actually start fighting.

So I think it's way more normal than people think that it is.  Yeah, I, I, I definitely agree. And I'm, I'm happy we're having this conversation. Cause that's, that's kind of what we're just trying to do. Like, we're just encourage our friends to, just to see things like that, like, and to be able to have those open conversations.

Like, it's not, it shouldn't be taboo and it's not, you know, quote unquote wrong that we were fighting or that, you know, it's like, we're not, we shouldn't be together because we fought in our honeymoon. Like you're right. It's probably more normal than people realize. It didn't feel like that in the moment, obviously, but we were just learning, you know, we were both really young.

Sam was 21. And I keep,  it just had to happen the way, it happened the way that it did and we are where we are now and I, I keep thinking like it's the story that we get to tell now, like it's the story that we get to tell and we get to learn from it and we get to, you know, not teach other people, but you give other people perspective and advice and offer just a a new way to think that exactly what you're saying like this is okay like it's it's normal but let's say to a degree we'll get into like the you know how do you know you found the one and we're not saying that we have the answers to that we're just saying like you know here are the answers that we found you know that led us to where we are now which is that like we believe that we're You know, meant to be together.

So  yeah, totally. I agree. It's, it's normal in the sense of like it happens, but there has to be this piece around moving forward together and figuring it out together. So this doesn't keep happening. And it doesn't. And I think I'm back just like the sentiment that. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed because you're having these arguments.

It probably just means there's some support that you need to move forward. Because I mean, if you really think about it, we're like two totally different strangers, right? Like coming together in a relationship to now like live together to be together a lot, right? When you get married or maybe you're just like moving in with a partner, like you're combining two people who are essentially strangers.

And that's not right. They have a totally different experience. So of course there's going to be some struggle, right? And especially like as a couple that went so fast, right? Like of course we know folks that have been trying to, we were talking to Bruce and I was like, maybe was it Megan that was like married or together for 10 years and then they decided to get married after year 10.

Like someone like that, maybe like, you know, that gets married at year 10. There's obviously more, you know, there's more coexisting. There's more learning together. It's a decade of life. But like us, it was like, you know, moving in and within a year. Yeah, everything you're saying is right. And it was just, it was just hyper extended or, or more intensified because it was so new, you know, but yeah, coexisting is like,  if you think about it, it's like pretty, it's. 

Pretty crazy that it ever works, truly, you know, it's, it's difficult to do. Especially romantically, especially romantically, so.  Yeah, absolutely. Was there anything that you wanted to add, Sam?  Elliot has said in the past that he feels because we're so different, it's kind of like we get to live two whole lives.

And it reminds me of the sentiment that  everyone is living their own equally complicated and difficult and complex lives. life and combining that with another person, there's always going to be really high highs and some low lows. And I think the navigation is on one side, social media is totally a highlight reel.

So that bliss that's never ending  is not always the case, right? This like Disney picture of love.  And then on the other side, like there can be trials and tribulations in a relationship. And like Elliot said to a point, right? So I think it's.  It's nice to sort of normalize that we are very complicated humans, and combining lives is gonna be complicated. 

I like that you say that, I almost wanted to take notes, but I didn't want to be distracting, like that, that, that Instagram or social media is a highlight reel, and like, that's exactly I feel like what we're trying to  transform, like, it doesn't have to be, and it shouldn't be. And that's kind of what we're trying to do with, you know, with our podcast is like, let's normalize having these difficult conversations and talking about these things in public so that people can feel like. 

They have a space that they can also share those, those things that they, you know, might have otherwise not. So, It is a highlight reel, but it doesn't need to be, you know, it, it shouldn't be. And I think about ours and like our Instagram sure is a highlight reel as well for the most part. But I hope that we can get to a point where we can have these conversations like on a regular basis.

And, and it'd be fine. It'd be normal, you know,  and normalizing like conflict and the struggle, like every relationship is going to go through struggles and some form or another. And it kind of leads me to what we were going to talk about today. The, how, you know, you found the one, because I know that we've talked about too, like. 

Yes, there's going to be these hard times, but it shouldn't be that hard. Like, it shouldn't feel like the most difficult thing of your life, right? That like, you're fighting this battle for years and years and years. And I'd love to hear your thoughts on that and your own experience within your relationship. 

Yeah.  Do you want to, do you want to start Sam? Sure. I think I'll say  in those, that like early year when we were struggling a lot, we often thought, should it be this hard? Like, is this hard? too hard. And I think that that's an important question to be asking yourself and a healthy perspective to continually reflect on.

So I, I made a list of like, how do you know when you know? They say it in the movies, couples like us say it, literally what does that mean?  So, a couple of ways to sort of do this  untangling of the biochemical reaction of falling in love, and is this person actually meant for me in a meaningful way? I have four main questions to ask yourself in this process.
the first question seems sort of inconsequential, but it's,  it's the combination of these, right. That like add up, like if they're, if you're striking out all of these, Even if you're striking out on one of them, like if you, if you answer this question and it's no, this is, this should be a red flag right away, you know?
And I think that the thing that we're all searching for is the secret sauce, right? Like, the secret sauce to business. How did you scale your business? The secret sauce to how did you spend 45 years married? Like, there's no one true secret ingredient to success. And so, Even these small questions, if flags start to get raised, pay attention to them.

So this first question is, are you confident bringing this person around the people you love? So, let's say you bring them to a family gathering, let's say you bring them out to dinner with your friends, how are you feeling? And tuning into  maybe the unconscious body language that you're giving off if you aren't as sort of like in that somatic realm of Dropping into the physicality of your emotions, get a little heady, like, are you embarrassed?

Are you proud? Are you, like, finding yourself not wanting to acknowledge them as much? Are you finding yourself really excited to introduce them and have conversations with them and these other people who you love? That's a huge indicator. This embarrassment piece is something that, when I wrote it down I was like, ooh, I've been there.

I've had partners where I was  fine with them, just the two of us, but bringing them into social environments with people I care about, I was embarrassed. And like, that tells me all I need to know.   Okay, the second one.  Go ahead. The second one, yeah, I wanted to kind of go off that real quick. Also, like, how do you think your friend, like, you know, you could just keep going and I think,  how do your friends feel?

Like, how do your, like, what's the vibe of your parents? Like, how do your parents feel? How do your friends feel? Those are all important. If those are all, if those are all like, I don't know, theirs, they don't, they don't like them. You know, I'm hesitant to bring them around. That's probably to keep going, like dive deeper and. 

You know, I think those are probably enough red flags right there to know that maybe this isn't, this isn't the right relationship, you know but yeah, so the next one is, are there any themes with, oh, I guess I just answered it and I, are there any themes with the way I, the people I love feel about this person?

So, sorry. Exactly. I guess I just, I guess I just answered it.  And I feel like, you know, especially if you, if you're really close to their family, I've been in relationships where it's like, I'm really close with my family.  Maybe, maybe they don't even get along with my family. My family doesn't really get along with them, but I love them.

Like, what's more important? You know, is,  you know, is my family and my friends not liking this person that I love more important than, than this relationship? I think you sort of have to ask yourself that. And for me, I'm really close with my family, and my family loves Sam. But if my family didn't like Sam, it would be a very big deal for me, you know?

I agree. I  think the key word. The keyword is themes. So, Christina, you said something really profound, like, to Elliot and I offline. That if you ask advice from 20 people, you're going to get 20 different answers. This is not to say, go ask advice from everyone that you love and get in the weeds. But it's at a high level.

Are there themes with the way that the people you love feel about this person? So like one person may not get along with them. That's fine. Not everybody can be everybody's cup of tea. But if it's sort of an overwhelming majority have similar sentiments, that's when to really start paying attention.  I agree.

And I think it's like, what are they saying about this person? Like if your friends could, sometimes like friends are just very protective of us, or maybe like they're going through something and just projecting, right? Like a certain friend, like we just have to be conscious of like, what it is that they're saying.

If they're like, Oh, it seems like, you know, Maybe you just look like an odd couple. I don't know. Something like that, right? Like, that's not a reason to be like, oh, I don't want to be with this person or this is weird. But if they're like, ooh, like I got, they're kind of disrespectful, you know, towards me and said X, Y, or Z, like, that might be something to think about if five people tell you that they,  said something that was disrespectful to them.

And  I also think this sheds a light a bit on how we're cultivating relationships that aren't romantic, right? Do you have an honest and open enough relationship with your friends, your family, whoever it is that you trust their opinion? Is that vulnerability element there with where they would feel that it's okay to share sentiments like that?

There have definitely been times in the past where a good friend of mine found this new guy, he's so hot, they look so good together, you know, the sparks are flying, that kind of biochemical flood is happening. And the very, very first time I ever met him, I told Elliot, there's something wrong. There's something about him.

This is not going to last, and it's not going to be good. And indeed there was something wrong and that relationship was  Not good did not work out, but it's and it took a while as well It took a while for that to not work out, which is unfortunate, but I think that she learned a lot, you know But it's a good point Yeah, I felt the same.

I'm pretty intuitive and can feel like energy very strongly in other people. And I can always tell that, but sometimes it's not appropriate to say even because we don't have even a reason. It's just something I just feel about somebody. And so I think it's like, if they're coming to you, then asking like our thoughts, like I'm happy to share it, but something where I don't even have like evidence, like I probably wouldn't share. 

Yeah, that's pretty, that's pretty difficult. I guess that's the question I have for, for you, Christine. It's like.  Is it like, is it your place, you know, like, is it your place to,  I don't know, like, okay, you're saying, so a very good friend of yours doesn't come to you to ask you, you know, how, how they, you know, how you feel about their, you know, their boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever. 

And you really feel very strongly. But it might be, you know, it might be pretty hurtful to the person. Do you think that it's your place or your job to tell them like, here, here's some pretty obvious.  You know, things that I've seen that, that aren't, you know, that are concerning. Can you at least, you know,  you know, call the concern for me?

What do you, what do you think about that? Have you been, have you been in that kind of, you know, place before?  Yeah, I definitely have. I would say most people, you know, considering like, this is what I do  for work. Like people typically do ask me but in cases that they have, and I usually don't say anything.

I think it's really not our place to be like, Oh, I don't think this person is right for you because most people aren't going to listen to us. Right. Or we tell them. They have to want to know that information, and they also have to learn and make their own mistakes. Like, we can't control them.  However,  if we're talking about a situation where you're noticing or they've told you about, like, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, things in that realm, I would say that it's appropriate, you know, like if it's, it's teetering in that realm to say something to someone that you love that, hey, I'm really concerned about this, but otherwise I think that it's not really our place like go out of our way to be like, oh, hey, I don't think that this relationship is working out for you unless they are specifically speaking to you about it or, you know, wanting your feedback on it. 

Yeah, I like that. I appreciate that. The next question is, is. Maybe the most important out of the four. You know, does this person push or inspire you to be  a better version of yourself? We could talk about this forever, man, because I feel pretty strongly about this one. But I mean, Sam absolutely inspires me to be a better person, you know?

I don't even know where to even go with this one. Maybe you can just kind of take the reins, Sam. But yeah, I think this is probably my favorite question because there's just,  you should, you should be, the trend should be, you know, the overall trend in your relationship should be positive, right? Like you should see yourself.

You know, you should look back, you know, at the year or the last couple of years and, you know, ask yourself, have you grown, like, what, and, and, and what way is like, you know, look at the metrics. And if not, I, I would think that it's probably directly related, honestly, probably directly related to your partner.

Some people get really comfortable with each other and you know, you, whatever you start,  you know, eating as well and not working out and getting a little bit of weight and drinking too much. And, and we all go through those and that, that's fine. But overall, I think the trend, especially in a five year relationship where you and I are,  you know, I think that you and I could say we've definitely, you know, grown as, as individuals for sure.

I've struggled with that more than Sam. I think Sam's had her shit together probably since she came out of the womb. But and just not, not at all for me, but Sam definitely inspires me to be, it's like, I have to be better, you know, like I have to be in order for this, for this, you know, this venture, this podcast to be successful.

I have to be a better version of myself. And Sam pushes me to do that, you know, because I want it for, of course I have to want it for myself and I do, but I also want it for Sam, you know. So what do you, what do you think about this one, Sam? I actually wanna comment on something that like Yeah,  something that you said, or just the way you were saying it was like, she doesn't tell you to be better. 

You feel inspired by her. She leads the inspiration by action, by being the best version of herself and vice versa. Right? She's not like, oh, change who you are.  For me, like, I need you to keep up. I need you to do X, Y, or Z. Like, maybe if you're like, behind on something, she might say something, but she's not like, You have to do this.

You have to be keeping up with me. Like, you feel inspired by her. Yeah. To better yourself. And I think that's a really, really important thing because a lot of people want to change the person that they're with. Totally. And that's something I talk about a lot with people is like,  the relationship is right if you can both be yourselves and you're not trying to change somebody  and you just lead by that example of, you know, growth and maybe even like growth together  and that way like you're doing something together to grow.

That's such a good point because like, I feel like that's exactly how our relationship is. Absolutely. And I've been in the relationships where I did try to change the other person, you know, and I, I don't know if Sam's ever been there, but Sam and I, I think that's the best part about our relationship is through all of my faults, through all of our faults, like we are ourselves.

Like when you, when you meet us, like we are not faking anything truly. Like we're almost, I would say never. And that's the best part about our relationship. Is we can just, we're just ourselves. Like we can be ourselves. And, you know, in front of each other, in front of other people and, and yes, Sam has never pushed me to, to be somebody else.

And I don't feel like, I hope that I've never pushed him to be somebody else because otherwise, like, that's another thing. Like, why would you be with a person if you're trying to change them? You got with him for a reason. Right? It's like, you loved who they were, I would assume, or maybe it was just sex.

Who knows? I don't understand. But like, why would you try and change the person that you love the most? Right? Like, that doesn't really make any sense to me.  Is it,  there's so much to unpack here, . Like I think that on one hand, when I think about life partners, I think about the quote, if you wanna go fast to go alone, if you wanna go far, go together.

So when I think, I love that when I think about marriage bars, bars,  . When I think about marriage, I've always kind of had this idea in my mind around.  That not only being a commitment, right, like I'm committed to being with you, but it's a commitment to showing up as the best version of yourself.  And that's personal work.

That's not like I'm doing things for you, but I'm committed to doing things for myself so that I can be the best version in this partnership.  And leading by example in all phases of life, friendship, marriage, business, whatever, is so, so powerful. I had another thought that escaped me after what you were saying, Christina.

I think.  Oh,  and then something amazing about kind of, I think, the way that  Elliot and I conduct ourselves. It's not a conversation we've ever had, but it's sort of a dynamic that works really well,  is this idea that we want to build our life together. We want to come to the table in a way that is collaborative and team minded.

And we both very, very much want that individual growth and exploration for the other person. And that is what has worked so well, especially getting married so young. Like, I was 19 when we met. I was freshly 21 when we got married. I needed a lot of space to figure out who I am, where I'm going. I had so many existential crises between Like graduating with a degree in chemistry, going into the biotech realm, starting my career, shifting, starting a business, shifting again, like going back to work, doing fundraising and nonprofit work, shifting again, starting the podcast, like having that space  to grow and develop as an individual is equally as important as having the space to grow and develop together as a couple. 

That's really beautiful. I know. Like, yeah, that was a great, like, slick mic drop. It's so good.  So these questions. Oh, go ahead, Christina. I was just going to say that. That's such a good point. Like you, regardless of how old you are, you always need space to grow as an individual and wanting that for your partner and why not for yourself is so key and to a lasting relationship, because you have to be able to keep your identity and yourself within a relationship.

I always think about it this way, where there's like your relationship with you, there's your relation, the other person, and then you come together, that's your third relationship.  Like there are three relationships actually within the relationship that you're in and they all need to be nurtured in different ways.

Mm. Love that.  Yeah, for sure. Also bars.  Yeah. I think,  like Elliot mentioned, these questions seem like maybe they're superficial or insignificant, but when you start diving deep into them, like, they reveal so much. So rounding us off here, question number four is, is this person willing to show up and work?

Love is a verb. We like to say that soulmates are made, not found. So is this person actively choosing you and demonstrating that they are willing to work on themselves? They are willing to work on this relationship. They are willing to make it work. And you, again, another profound thing you've said, Kristina, is they're not choosing you.

If everything else is right, it checks the boxes. If they don't choose you, it's not right.  Yes, I will  reach that forever. It's like, it's so It is just like the number one thing, like within any relationship, you know, a lot of people when they break up with someone, they're like, this person was amazing.

They were everything that I've ever wanted. It's like, but they're not because they're not choosing you. And you cannot be in a relationship, especially a healthy one when someone is not choosing you. And that is so important. Like you should be a priority in their life. They, you shouldn't be number one, they should be number one, but you should be right up there at that priority.

And then making space for for you and your life, and you should feel important to that person. Otherwise,  they're not your person.  Yeah, I agree. I think  you said soulmates are not found, they're made, which I, I don't know where, if we heard that, or if you came up with the sound, but like, I just keep, we keep coming back to that, and it's like,  It kind of took me a while and we had this conversation together actually be a couple of times, but recently, maybe in the last six months, like  I used to believe in soulmates.

And I, I mean, I do, like, I do think that Sam is my soulmate. I know that Sam is my soulmate, but we also, all three of us probably know, like we've fallen in love, you know, various times and that at all, in all those relationships that in one, at one point or another, we thought this would, or we knew right innately that this is my soulmate.

And so I don't think that there's necessarily one person out there for everyone, which I think is encouraging. Because you don't have to find the needle in a haystack and that's just, you know, going to be impossible. It's about the work. It's about the work that you put in. Like you, you, it works there.

They become your soulmate because of course you're attracted to them because there's physical connection, but also there's, you know, spiritual connection. There's psychological connection. There's, you know, there's all these components that go together, but. The theme is like, you're not coexisting. Like I think people, especially when we're younger, like we just think we'll get together, you know, it's going to work out.

Like it's, it's almost like a job, you know? And I mean, and I mean that in the best way, like it requires a lot of work. And I think that is kind of why it works for you so much for, I think that's why it works so well for you and I stand is because we have the ability to spend so much time together, which might  annoy other people and might kind of like people might be like, you know, I need way more space you and I are, you know, give each other that space, but we also spend so much time together.

So I feel like. Inevitably, we spend more time working on our and nurturing our relationship because you and I do speak and do talk candidly so often with each other, you know? So I love that. I think I want to put that on a, on a t shirt. Like soulmates are not found. They're made. I love that. Maybe we should make t shirts and sell them. 

Everybody's tuning in. Check the notes just in case we fall through on this project.  Right? I love it. It's so profound. Like, it's so profound. There are people I have met, multiple people, like people that I've met even in business or friends, family, partner, like romantic partners that I have felt like are my soulmates. 

Where we just connect on a soul level. Like, that's a soulmate. Like, you connect on a soul level. And when you can realize that love and connection is so abundant and so beautiful, it can be found anywhere, it opens you up to so much possibility. And finding the one, like knowing that person is the one. is going through these questions and the things that we're talking about.

And I have a few things too, that I want to,  I want to add on. But after that, it's like, that's where it's made, you know, because you're going to meet so many people. It's like, are you willing to put in the work with that person? And that's really like what it's about, right. When they are fitting all these other things and it's like, okay, well, it is the person you want to choose to spend maybe your life with and put in the work for.

I think that's really like what it comes down to.  No doubt. I agree. Sam, you have a couple of bonus like get on the same page conversations that we think are like really important. And one of them is pretty taboo that, you know, isn't really talked about very much  at all. Honestly. I can't think of a friend.

I can have a super open and honest conversation about this topic with maybe one person, Joe. But yeah, do you, do you want to get into those, Sam, how important we think those two things are? Actually, how about I, I, I feel really strongly about the first one and maybe you could talk about the second one.

Okay. Wait, before we move on, can I just add to Christina,  Christina, I love that you're saying that you can find soulmates and friends too, and the more Elliot and I talk about what it takes to make a marriage work and what it takes to make a romantic relationship and partnership work.  The more parallels I see in friendship, and there's often a disconnect between, okay, marriage and love is a lot of work, and friendship should not be work, and I think to have those really deep, meaningful, vulnerable, nourishing connections, whether they're platonic or romantic, there is Work and effort and development and leading by example and honesty.

All of these elements are actually the same for both and are the same things that kind of feed the soul in this soulmate way.  Absolutely. I just want to call that out. No, I, I completely agree. Like relationships in general, I think kind of think of it this way is like relationship in general, including the relationship with yourself across the board, pretty much the same thing.

Like Are you spending quality time together? Are you able to be vulnerable? Right? Literally with yourself or the people in your life.  And it's not different. Like, yes, you might be having sexual relations with your romantic partner, right? There's like a different dynamic. But ultimately, there are the same themes within all of your relationships. 

For sure, for sure. Elliot, I'll throw it to you. We have like two kind of bonus, not so much questions, but sort of conversations to have with this person when you're considering, should we spend our life together? Is this person the one?  Yeah. Money, finance. This is a big one for Sam and I because  And I think it comes back to  parents and religion again, which is very interesting to me to think I was like, go try and go big picture and like, think about the, why, like the nucleus of like, why this thing is the way it is in, you know, in our relationship and,  you know, long story short, we combined finances right away as soon as we, as soon as we got married, we opened a bank account together and all the money that we both made, we shared.

And I think that that has been part of the reason why we've been so successful  as a, as a, as a married couple, because I think it.  We really became a team in a lot of ways, including that one. And I think that came from, in my opinion, I think that was maybe more of my idea than yours, Sam. But my parents finances were combined, and that was always like a religious thing.

That was like, you know, you're, you know, you're one household, you know. You know, we're a team. And So I always looked up to my parents in that way. I just kind of took that from them and it always worked out for them. And so I thought like, you know, this seems like a good idea for us to do. So we did it.

And  I think it changed the way that we, like, it changed the way that we view collaboration, I think, like, to me, I think two is more than one. And I also think.  That's why we kept asking ourselves, like, how can we, how can we live life together? How can we do something together that makes us money together?

Like if we love each other and we're best friends, like, wouldn't we want to do everything together? So why not collaborate and try and find something that we can both do together? Because 40 hours times two is 80. So we have twice as much time to get shit done. Right. That's how I see it. Same with finances.

You know, I understand why people do separate. I totally understand that. And I respect it a hundred percent, but it's always worked for us. I feel like it's sort of. Given us this mentality of like, you know, we're conquering, like we wanna conquer, you know,  these things together. And, and it just feels, it just, it, it feels right in so many ways.

And I think that if you can't get on the same page financially that, that, you know, that's gonna spell doom in my opinion. And I think it's something that you, that needs to be spoken about, like, you know, pretty early on before, before you get married, you know, have, have those difficult conversations about finances and what you value.

You have you have anything to add to that, Sam?  Yeah, I'll say. This is like one small part advocating for combined finances, but the bigger picture is being collaborative. And what works for you works for you. So as long as you are in collaboration with your partner, that's what's going to work best.

Having these like, this is mine, this is yours, you do that, I'll do this, that starts to create a divide. But if you're on the same page about how things are physically divided I think that because we got married so young and we've had this winding journey of careers and making money and growing and changing, it allowed us to see money as ours and not like tit for tat.

Like, I make this money, and you do that, and you're responsible for this in the house, and I'm responsible for that. Like, we're sort of, you know, doing one combined ecosystem, which is Sam and Elliot,  and then working our way through it and ebbing those roles. So we've gone back and forth throughout the years of who's the bread winner and who's like working on something new or who was like getting their soul just sucked by a job and pulling the other person out of it.

And that kind of ebb and flow Because we're on the same page about sharing our finances or how we're spending our money  is an integral part to how we've grown into  creating a business together.  I love how collaborative you two are. And that's so special because I just don't think I hear that that much, you know, from others were like, it really is about being a team.

And I loved the word ecosystem. Cause like, it really is you're like, Special ecosystem of your relationship. And when it comes to the money, I think it's really important to have the conversations and also understand the other person's values around money. Like, do they really value saving, right? Are they really about that versus like spending, right?

Because that'd be pretty unbalanced if you were somebody who really enjoyed, you know, spending your money on experiences or things. And the other person you were with was like, no, no, I don't want to do that. We all know that that's one of the hot topics that a lot of couples fight about, and so getting on the same page early and understanding the values behind it is really important.

And I'll kind of give an example about this. It's not like directly related, but I think it's an important thing to think about with values, right? So  when, even when you're looking at like a dating app or something, or you're just getting with somebody, they might go to the gym all the time. Okay. And you might assume something about why they go to the gym,  but your values might actually be really different because maybe you go to the gym too,  but their value is like, they just want to be really healthy and heart healthy and take care of themselves.

Whereas the other perspective is I just want to look good.  That's a totally different value. So really unpacking that with somebody, like, why are they doing the things that they're doing? Having those kinds of conversations you know, in relation to money and understanding it because you might visually see on the external, like people doing things, but it's important to understand their, why their value behind what they're doing and their lifestyle. 

No doubt.  100%. I think it's that. It's not so much the how, but the why and being on the same page about that.  Yeah, the next one is big. And it's, I mean, I think everyone, maybe it's a foregone conclusion, but Obviously having the conversation and, and, and renewing the conversation because people change all the time, right?

About children and, and Sam and I are sort of in the same,  well,  when we first got together, I think that we were both like open to having children. But Sam's always like, I want to wait. I'm literally 26. I'm like, that's, you know, I totally understand that. I've always wanted kids,  but we're at a point now where we're kind of like.

We could  see ourselves having kids, but we might not have kids. Like we'll have zero or we'll have two. But I think we're doing that conversation every now and then coming to the table every now and then and checking in because it's such a big thing, like if one person wants kids and one person doesn't, that shit is not going to work out, dude.

Like it's just not going to work out. And so, you know, we aren't there luckily. But it's such a, it's such an interesting, interesting dynamic because people change. Like. I'm sure there are people that want kids and then something happens, life changes, and they don't want kids and vice versa. So I just think that that's such a, it all comes down to communication.

It all comes down to open communication. It all comes down to collaborating. And I feel like that's, you know, for all of our faults, you know, that's one thing that Sam and I are really good at is like having conversations like, you know, some really, you know, sometimes intense and uncomfortable conversations.

And I think children could be one of them sometimes. And I think that you and I just kind of come back every now and then we talk about all the time that you and I, like, we see kids out and we talk about, we talk about kids and sometimes I'll get baby fever and see a little boy. I'm like, Oh my God, I want it.

I want a little son so bad. I'm like, can you imagine a little Elliot running around and Sam's like, I cannot fucking imagine a little Elliot running around my God. So yeah. And I'm sure that you talk about that a lot in your, in your business and Christina, but it's just something that we, we feel pretty strongly about.

So.  And the point, I think, with this question is not so much that you guys have to decide right away, but that if one person in a partnership feels very, very strongly and unmovable about yes or no,  the other person needs to either be on board or commit to walking away, and If you compromise on your non negotiables, which you can, you can compromise on your non negotiables, you will have that seed of resentment forever.

And that is not a piece of the recipe for success. Well, can you elaborate? Because you said you can compromise, but if you do, you'll have resentment. But you did say that you can compromise under non negotiable. Can you give Christina an example? Yeah, let's use kids as an example. So, let's say we're having this conversation before marriage.

Do you want kids? And Elliot says, I 115 percent want kids. I am meant for kids. I'm meant to be a father. That is my destiny. That is what I imagine marriage to be like. Period. Like, those are my values and I feel strongly about it. And I'm like wishy washy, like, okay, yeah, that's fine.  That's one scenario.

Another scenario is I feel very strongly in the opposite direction, and I'm like, actually, I never want kids, I've never felt the need to be a mother, I never want to have children, for whatever reason,  Elliot could compromise on this non negotiable, and we could never have kids.  And then,  Because he's compromised and non negotiable, we'll always have this seat of resentment.

And vice versa, if that was a value of mine, to never have children and to be independent or to only be the two of us, I could compromise towards his non negotiable, we could start a family, and then I would have that seat of resentment, right? And that's the case for a lot of non negotiables. It could be,  Emotional intelligence.

It could be how you spend your money. It could be how you cultivate relationships with friends and family. Like, what are those pillars of your values?  And be wary of compromising the values and the non negotiables that are most true to you. And so, yeah, kids is a huge one. Yes, people change over time.

So getting on the same page up front and then also just checking in regularly How are you feeling? How am I feeling? Have things shifted? And being committed to growing together. Like, of course our, our thoughts may change over time, but we didn't enter into this marriage agreement with one person having a really, really strong kind of non negotiable opinion about having a family.

One  thing that, you know, I was kind of speaking to and I think you're speaking to now is values. That is  like the number one thing I. Always say to look for in a partner, your values need to be like generally aligned, especially on the big things like kids finances, what you find important in life, like I super value travel.

Like if I'm looking for a partner, I want to find somebody who aligns with that because otherwise I'm going to be gone,  you know, all the time. And that, that might not be okay for them. And so. That's one of the things that honestly will make or break a relationship and I wouldn't recommend compromising on your values.

Like you said, you're going to feel resentful and it never ends well. I can promise that it just won't. And I've seen it time and time again with myself. with clients, with friends, will me compromise that because we really like somebody or we just want to find someone and like it's going really well, but then there's like this sticky point of maybe it is kids or finances or you know, maybe it's like they really value spending time with their family, but you don't really value that.

And it bothers you that they do it. I assure you that will come out in the future. It will be a sticky point and it will get bigger and bigger. So it's really, really important for you to tune into that at the beginning and also be clear  as you're dating, as you're with partners, that you assess your own values so that you know what it is that you really value.

And then you can look at that within your relationship or the person that you're spending time with.  I think this also goes back to this like, commitment to personal development, right? I think a lot of the reasons why we do compromise our values, or we do go through this list of questions and ignore it when the answer is no, is this fear of loneliness, or this fear that we don't deserve someone better, or that someone won't love us, or whatever it may be.

I don't know. But soulmates are found, not found, they're made. So if you're in a situation where these are huge sticking points, they're coming up again and again, these big questions are getting answered with maybe answers you don't want to face.  You have to have a hard conversation with yourself and Maybe it's time to turn inward and do a little work around why you're willing to compromise yourself, to disappoint yourself.

Because that ultimately is disappointing yourself, right? If you're in a relationship that's not fully fulfilling, you're disappointing yourself. And it's gonna be really hard, if ever, to overcome that specific thing. That point that we talked about earlier, like, does this person inspire you or make you better? 

We've had friends and family in the past that are like, Oh, I know my partner doesn't make me better. And that makes our head explode. Like what do you mean if you know that if you've come to terms with that,  what are you doing? And   I think making you better can look different ways for different people, but they can't be, it can't be like the opposite though, or like they're dragging you down or you feel constricted or trapped within the relationship.

You can't like fully be yourself or you know, I just feel like that's when it's like. Okay. This is not, it's not working. Like if you feel bad, you know, where you're not like feeling motivated to do the things that really excite you in life, like that might be something to look at.  No doubt. I agree. 

It's been a great episode. Wow.  It's been so good. Yeah. Well, I actually have a couple more that I want to add onto this. So yeah. So I invited you guys all to talk about this and I was thinking a lot too, but like my own how do I know, how do I talk with clients though? How do you know you found the one?

Right. And there's a few other things I want to add. And the other thing I think is super important is that within the relationship  you handle conflict together  in a way that's supportive for both of you.  And I use the word supportive very specifically because some people think it's like this very generic conversation that every relationship has to look the same in terms of conflict.

Like you share your feelings and then you do this and then you do that and you say it like this certain way. And I just don't subscribe to that. Every couple's going to have their own way of conflict, but it has to be supportive for both people. So, like, it's never supportive to be, like, putting your partner down or calling them names or, you know, screaming at them in an abusive way.

It's like, that's not supportive, but if both people, if it works for them, then it's supportive. And it's supportive and you can work through something and whatever that looks like for you, then that's how you know that you've found the one. And it's not going to come, you know, again, like we've talked about, you're bringing two people with different experiences together.

Like, it's not going to be perfect the first time you have conflict.  You have to be willing to work on it. So I actually love to hear how you two worked through that and got to a place where you can now navigate conflict much better than I, I'm going to assume that when you first got together,  this is a really good question.

Oh, wow.  Well, I will say we are both very spicy. So even now, like, we're trying, you know, at the podcast, we're like, hey, I have this amazing idea. We're sharing it with the other person. And then, like, we're just yelling. Like, we're just very passionate people. And so early in our marriage, when we had conflict,  it kind of  And we were like, how did we get here?

And we did, in sort of this like, premarital journey, do the, the Five Love Languages book.  After we got married, and we were dealing with conflict all the time, we realized that there are also languages for how we deal with conflict. I very much like to talk it out right away, hash it out, get it done, get it over with, and then I have this ability to sort of, get over it quickly once we've done that. 

Elliot very much needs that sort of introspection time to be quiet, to be apart, to think and then to calm down and come back to the table. And so if I'm pulling him towards my side and I'm demanding that we work it out right now in this moment, it's not successful. So it's a little bit easier for me to compromise, to create space for us to calm down, for us to think, for us to come back to the table. 

And I think that's something we've done at least much better. I won't say we're perfect at it. Do you have, do you have thoughts about that, Elliot?  I'm just trying to think of like, it's, it's over, it's such an overwhelming thing for me. I'm not sure why.  I think the reason that I, you know, retract, I have a tendency to retract is because I know that,  you know, I have a tendency to also get angry.

And so like that, that has not worked in past relationships. It will not work in this one. Ends. I think that's something that I'm just gonna, you know, it's, this is sounds like an excuse. And I'm, of course it's not, but it seems like it's in my DNA, like the archipelago thing. Like the men are just, like you said, spicy salmon.

Like there's a tendency to get angry and I don't want to be that person, you know? So I do have a tendency to retract that this actually just happened. We could, we could do a story right now. Two nights ago We just got into like a little fight in the kitchen and then we started doing the tit for tat thing.

Like, well, I do this and you do that and you don't do that. And I do this. And it's like that right away. I'm like, okay, this is, this is not working out. This is not going to, this is not going to work. And so I retreated, I just retreated and did my own thing in the bedroom. And we didn't talk, Sam and I didn't talk for,  we didn't talk the rest of the night.

And then we didn't talk pretty much that entire morning. And then this calendar right behind Sam right now, we just got this big ass calendar trying to plan out the, the year for, you know, For the podcast. And we just naturally started talking because we had work to do. And

I think that it worked to a degree, but I think the point that Sam is making is that Sam wants to work it out right away, which I, I, I agree with that. And this, this biblical, you know, verse, which is like, whatever the verse is about, like, you know, not going to bed angry, I think really is very potent and powerful.

And there's something, there's something about it. There's something like magical, spiritual about that. I think there's something about going to bed. With the resentful heart  that can really kind of mess you up for eight, 10 hours that you're kind of stewing in, in your, you know, in your sleep. And that's this thing I try to avoid that that didn't happen the other night, but but we came back together and I guess, I guess the point is that what Sam tells me is just like, if you're going to retreat, if you're going to, if you're going to, you know, collapse and go into the room and not say anything, it's your job to let me know when you're ready to come back then.

It's not my job to, you know, pry at you and tell you, okay, like, let's have the conversation now. So we didn't even have a conversation. Actually, I think Sam has got much better at this. I don't know why or how, but I kind of just, after the conversation we had, we were kind of hyped up on, on our, you know, on the calendar and I just hugged Sam and I said, you know, I'm sorry, let's, you know, let's, let's start over.

And that was it. And Sam, Sam hugged me and I said, I know as soon as Sam hugs me, I feel Sam's embrace and I can tell, okay, Sam's good. We're good. Let's move on. And that's how that worked. And that was, that was pretty beautiful. Cause that was not how it used to be. We used to like duke it out, you know, obviously not physical ever, but.

You know, we used to yell at each other and now we, I think we understand each other more because we put in the work. We put in the work and it was difficult work to put in, but like now we know sometimes that's how the fight goes. I'd rather not yell and get angry because that's going to make things worse.

So I retreat. Maybe that's not a good thing. But it's my job to come back to Sam and say, okay, I'm ready to have a conversation. Let's have it. But I think it, for me, it needs to be quicker next time. I don't think I, I don't think it can happen overnight. I need to stop doing that. I just was checked out though.

I just was like, I'm done, you know, checked out, not having this conversation. We had a, we had a funny talk with someone over ping pong at a bar like a few months ago and we kind of were explaining this to him and he's like, Oh, so you're DTF down to fight. And we were like, yeah, we're down to fight. That's hilarious.

I love that. It was really fun actually. I was like what do you mean? And then, yeah.  And I think it's this dynamic that you're talking about, Christina, that it looks different for everyone, and because we're both very fiery, very energetic, we have this, like, extroverted piece of ourselves, where we get excited and we get this high energy.

It's also very easy to, like, raise our voice and start yelling, and we know that about ourselves.  So having that knowledge, we then have these other systems set up, which is, you know, okay, Elliot, if you feel like you need to step away, then you're responsible for re initiating. Or, you know,  I mean, that's the best example of a process that we have in place that we know conflict is gonna come up.

Like, we're not perfect. Things happen. Life happens. And so knowing a little bit about. How you fight and a little bit about how you forgive, I think has been a bit of a key for us to unlocking, shortening those periods of conflict.  I love that. I have actually so much to say. So in terms of like being able or taking the time to process,  I don't think it's a bad thing to do that.

I think it's like, does it feel good for you on the other end to take that amount of time? I think that's really what it comes down to. And like you said, like maybe I need to make it shorter. Only if it feels good for you. Right? Like it doesn't sound like it was anything big. So I think it's fine. Right?

Like it's okay. You're together a lot. That's what a lot of couples are. I think it's totally normal to be like, yeah, I just don't want to talk to you today. It's okay. It happens. Yeah. And the other piece of this is I agree with the sentiment of not going to bed within, you know, like the anger and resentment in your heart. 

But what I will say is that I don't believe you need to, to talk about it that night or that day.  What I do think is really helpful is we giving reassurance to each other of the love and connection that you have.  I think that's way more important than having the conversation because a lot of times When we have these arguments, it's like there becomes this disconnect between us and we start in our mind, maybe like spiraling and be like, Oh, they're just so annoying.

I'm so frustrated. Why are they not talking to me? And then you go to bed with just like not feeling good,  but to like turn to the person and be like, I love you. You know, I'm not me. I'm not ready to talk, but like, I love you. And you know, let's check in in the morning or let's check in tomorrow. Right?

Like just giving them that reassurance of your, your love for them and your connection, I think is. Really powerful to eliminate that intense resentment. And who knows, I've been in situations where I've said that or someone said that to me, and then I immediately, I'm just like, oh, okay. I'm sorry. Like, you know,

Yeah. Like I'm, I'm definitely the partner's like, easily  just like, okay, a hug and like just saying you're sorry, like I can just move past it. So that's what I think is much more helpful than like going to bed, feeling really angry about something. Yeah, I think what I like about that is this. Okay.  I think that's a really integral tool to have in your back pocket.

And another one that Elliot and I have recently started doing is  Because we're spicy, because we tend to raise our voices, it's easy to, like, take that and run with it.  However, sometimes we're making assumptions about the other person's intentions. So just taking a second to refocus and saying, I am not, you know, asking you this question or speaking to you in this way because I'm criticizing you, or because I'm, you know, whatever you might be assuming.

I am seeking to understand. And. A lot of our conflict is just misunderstanding the other person's intentions. So I love this idea of, like, resetting, what are your intentions, reminding the other person of your connection. It's so, so, so powerful.   I agree.  The other thing that's I think is really important when you're thinking about if someone is the one.

Is if it's easy to be with them, which I know sounds like really simple, but I also think there's a lot to that. They're like, it's easy to be with them, right? You can do things with them. You have a lot of fun with them. And it's not constant arguing. 

If being easy isn't you arguing all the time. Yes, there's conflict, but it should be fun. It should be exciting. You should be able to be with them, and it's an easy thing, like, easy conversation. Those sort of things should just feel good and natural.  I agree, and I think that's something that we could work on, you know.

I think I think about my parents. I have, you know, honestly, I was like, I hope they don't, I hope they don't listen to this. And I do hope they, I absolutely hope they listen to this. I've noticed that my parents, my parents have been married for 45 years. I would say they're definitely in love. They've been through a lot.

But I, I know that they love each other. And but just, you know, as they get older, I don't know if getting older is the reason, doesn't, I, I'm just saying as they've gotten older, they bicker a lot. They bicker a lot. And I think that it rubs off on Sam and I when we visit them. And so sometimes we'll, Sam and I will come together, like huddle up and say, like, look, like we are going to be the example for my parents to, like, we're not going to bicker because Sam and I actually do.

The point you're making is great. Like, yeah, you should be easy to be around. And I think that's one maybe weakness of Sam and I is that I especially think about like when we when we're around other people like how do we look when we run into people like we had friends that were in town from San Diego that spent a week with us. 

And I feel like overall we had such a great time and but I'm thinking like, okay, what do they think? Do they think that we bicker a lot? Do they think we argue a lot? And I would say I wouldn't be surprised if they said yes. So I think that's something that Sam and I can work on, because I know that, to me it's not a red flag, because I know that Sam and I are good, and I know that you know, I just know that we're in a good place, we're willing to work on a relationship, we love each other, we're committed, but it is something that we do that takes the fun away from, and the easiness away that you're talking about, the joy away from, Hanging out together as much as we do.

I think that we do have a lot of fun, but I think that you and I, you and I do bigger and we do argue probably more than we, than we should. And so I don't know if there's some strategies that Christina could give us, or just that you and I need to come together and have some deeper conversations about why that is.

What do you, what do you think? Well, I'll say the, the flip side of that exact same coin. And I think what. makes it work in the same sentiment that Christina is sharing is that we have a foundation of friendship that we continually nurture. And even though our path to marriage was super fast, When we first started hanging out, it wasn't with romantic intentions.

It was all friendship, all fun, all hanging out, all, like, late nights in the summer and, and very much that friendship element. And if there's something exciting in our lives, like, it's the other person that we want to tell and share it with. So we are at our core best friends. And that's like this cheesy thing that people always say, like, oh, you should be best friends with your partner.

But. Legit having that piece of friendship is so important, and so I think because we're so strong in that area we overcome this, like, day to day bickering. But yes, you're right, like, we do, we're just, we're just a little spicy and we have very strong opinions and there's definitely always room for improvement. 

I think there always is within relationships, like, no relationship is gonna be perfect and You know, if you find yourself, I think bickering and like arguing are very different. So like, especially if you're bickering I would say like, if you're doing that with your partner, it's not that it's not easy to be with them or that they're not the right person.

Like you're saying, like you have this foundation of friendship. I think it's more just like,  You know, what's causing you to feel that way, it might not even be about your partner, you know, like sometimes I'm just like irritated and I'm like, you know, it's my partner. I'm just like, Oh my God. I just don't want to deal with you.

Like your existence is irritating me.  Everyone's existence would be irritating me, but like they just happened to be there. And I'm just like, Stressed or overwhelmed by work, right? Things like that. And so I think it's about like assessing what's going on within us. And then I think once we eliminate that, it'll become a lot easier  to be good.

Yeah, I agree with that.  I also think that that, like, self reflection, if you can name it, it's easier to get over it, right? Like, I've been sick the last couple of days. I've been significantly more irritable. And Elliot's like, what's wrong? Like, why are you being this way? I'm like, I'm sick. I don't feel good.

So if I, if I said, I don't know, you're just pissing me off. Like, that would send us down a different path. But just being able to say, you know, it's not you.  Don't take it personally, and, and running with that, I think it's very easy in relationships to take it personal. Like, oh, they're retreating, they don't want to hang out with me, or they don't want to be with me.

Not necessarily, like, Elliot really needs a lot of alone time. That has nothing to do with me, actually.  Yeah, exactly. That's a good point, and we, we didn't, we didn't feel like that in the beginning of our relationship. We were young and super emotional, and it's like, Acting on emotions, purely not rationality.

And it's like, that's a really good point that you just made Sam. My being, my needing alone time has nothing to do with Sam. It doesn't matter who I'm with, what partner I would be with. I need my alone time. That, that is my time. That's who I am, you know? So. Really good point. Yeah. And I'm very much the same way.

And I think communicating that and you know, supporting your partner and understanding it is really important because everyone's different

Also, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Like to me, it's like, it's like a superpower for one of the persons to need alone time because when you come back together, it's like that much sweeter. It just is the truth, you know, especially for Sam and I, because we do spend so much time together. I think the alone time is imperative because I think that we would just get on each other's nerves if we spent all of our time together.

So  yeah, I agree. Well, is there anything else that you guys want to add about how you know that you've found the one?  Jeez. I feel like we ran the gamut, man. That was a really good, really good hour.  Yeah.  I had an inspiring thought from what Christina said, but I lost it. So unlike you  to lose it,  to not find it.

I bet you'll find it. Maybe, maybe not. It'd be like an hour from now. I know. I'm going to text you.  I don't know. I, I  think I want to say like, I, I want to say like, trust your gut, but I, I sometimes I feel like I can't even trust my own.  So I feel like what you said to what you said, Christina really. It was, you know, in the podcast that we had, the episode that we had with you, you said, when Sam said it earlier, you said, you know, don't talk to 20 people, but if you have, hopefully everyone in life, you know, has a trusted, like best friend and that could be your mom, but it has a trusted best friend.

And I think  like leaning on that person to, to really you know, help you get perspective and to help you see things from maybe an objective or more objective viewpoint is really, really impactful. And, and and helpful in a relationship. And you said,  you can't, you know, you can't, you can maybe you can lead your partner to water, but you can't make them drink it.

But I think to have that person to lean on that person and to trust that what they're saying is the advice they're giving you is for your own good. To me, it's really important. I mean, you're right. If you, if you know,  you're going to, you're not going to get out of a relationship because a friend is telling you to, but maybe it'll provide you with some insight that you really did need.

And I just feel like that's really important, you know, to have that person that you can trust  to, to bounce ideas off and, and to, to talk about your relationship with another person. Like you need, you need another person to talk about your relationship your romantic relationship. So. That's kind of and sometimes that person can be a therapist like we didn't we didn't like ring the bell enough that Sam are you reading my mind that was so weird you guys I was like just about to say that like I swear you're right that is I guess what I'm talking about I mean I didn't I didn't even realize it but you're right holy shit like get a therapist I mean we didn't we didn't say it enough in this episode that We just didn't have the tools to figure it out in year one and year two, and we didn't just magically, like, download those tools.

We went to a couple therapists, we went to individual therapy, and we went to someone who is that objective eye, who has that knowledge and skill set to share with us ways to be better, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that, and you should do it, because had we not gone to therapy in that first year, we could have very easily called it quits. 

Also, the consistency part is important. Like we've had, we've known people, you know, that's like, Oh yeah, yeah. I went a few times and I, it's been a couple of years since I've been back. I need to go back. It's like, no, we went to therapy for years, literally. Like we went to therapy consistently for years, couples and individual.

And I really do believe like, if we, if it wasn't for that, like we would not be sitting the three of us, we would not be sitting here today. We would be in different states doing different things. So yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, get a therapist.  I'm so glad that you said that Sam, you're like in my brain.

And I was also going to say that getting a therapist an individual therapist can also be that trusted person to give you their perspective and their thoughts on it. Like if you don't have people in your life who you feel like, okay, they're really like, can be unbiased in a sense, like nobody's actually biased in our life.

They're all biased, but like unbiased enough to support us in this, like get a therapist who specializes in this, right? I have lots of clients who come to me and talk about this. You know, and they work through things. We process things. And a lot of it is the trust in yourself because ultimately, like, there's no guarantee, like, yes, somebody, you might think they're your one and they might be, but there's no guarantee in life of anything.

And so it's really just about trusting yourself you know, going through the things that we talked about and making sure that those are all in alignment. And if they are, then that's enough to know that this person is the one.  And like, do you want to put in the work for them? Are you wanting to spend your life with them?

Can you see a future with them? Then you have your answer,  right? There's no crystal ball to like tell you, okay, this is going to work, right? You're going to be together forever. Like, I don't know that you guys don't know that. Like we have no idea, but we can trust ourselves enough to move forward in a relationship.

That feels really good.  I think a theme that, it's funny because we're talking about relationships with other people, right, but a theme that's really sticking with me is this commitment to knowing yourself and doing a little bit of personal development. And ultimately, if you don't know yourself, how can you expect someone else to know you?

Like, they can only go as deep as you are. And so, as you grow as someone, or if you're single and you're like, I'm really looking to call in that right person,  do you know what makes yourself tick? Do you know what your love languages are? Do you know what your fighting style is? Do you know how to identify those emotions that you feel?

And like, that is a whole thing. It's a huge pile to jump in and figure out, but it's really critical as we think about building meaningful connections with other people.  Yeah. And it's so magical when you start really working on yourself, whether you're in a relationship or you're single, either one it really is magical because you see the relationships in your life change just by you changing.

Right. They're feeding off your energy. They're reacting to you. So I think it's a really magical, special experience to get to know yourself deeper and to deepen the relationships in your life because of that work.  Well, thank you two for coming on today. This has been such a fun conversation. Where can my audience find you at? 

Yes, so we are Something More Human on all of your favorite listening platforms as well as Instagram and TikTok. You can kind of get to know us more and chat with us and hang out on Instagram and in our DMs. But we also post podcast episodes in every listening platform that you love, so you can find us there.

We will also be doing some in person events across the country, so keeping up with us on Instagram is the best way to find out, are we coming to a city near you?   Hey, amazing. I will put everything in the show notes. And Elliot, was there anything that you wanted to add? I was going to add, I was going to talk about, I wasn't sure if you're going to mention the event, but we're really, you know, we're really trying to cultivate to a an in person physical, you know, community you know, full of, of intention and, and a place where you can, you know, be yourself.

So really excited about the events. Obviously, if you want to come to event, we hope that you will hope that we'll be visiting a city near you, like Sam said. But that's, that's what I wanted to add. I want to talk about the event, really excited about that. So  amazing. Well, yes, everyone go check out their podcast.

It's so good. And follow them on Instagram and we will see you in the next one. Thanks, Christina. Thanks guys.