Beyond Your Number
You're more than just a personality. Beyond Your Number is a conversational Enneagram podcast where Damon and Kelly dig into what makes people tick, and what to do with what you find.
We cover all 9 types, wings, subtypes, and motivations, and how they play out in real relationships, real teams, and real life. No jargon, no fluff.
New episodes every Wednesday. Formerly known as EnneagramU.
Beyond Your Number
Relationships with Enneagram Type Three
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Despite a throat that's seen better days, I, along with my co-host Kelly, tackle the intricate dance of Enneagram Type Threes in the realm of personal connections and self-improvement. Even with my vocal chords begging for mercy, our conversation pulsates with energy as we dissect the Threes' propensity for cultivating efficiency and sparking transformation. Kelly, fresh from her adventures in Jamaica, recounts how travel setbacks are no match for a Three's inspiring influence. As we peel away at the layers, our chat reveals the delicate balance Threes strike between their ambitious drive and the yearning for authentic relationships.
Venturing further into the world of Enneagram Type Threes, Kelly and I unravel the complexities behind their charismatic yet guarded nature. We confront the harsh reality of conditional acceptance that haunts many Threes, spotlighting the corrosive effect it has on their ability to forge deep bonds. A candid discussion on the significance of self-awareness emerges, illuminating paths toward breaking free from the snares of external validation. It becomes abundantly clear that for Threes, finding true self-acceptance is a pivotal step in nurturing more sincere and enriching connections with others.
The episode crescendos as we draw wisdom from Richard Rohr's transformative advice, particularly for those Type Threes who find themselves at a crossroads where success no longer equates to personal growth. We sift through strategies for cultivating emotional depth, embracing the slow lane, and learning to cherish relationships over accolades. The journey of a Three is one of relentless evolution, and our conversation is an invitation for listeners to stand by the side of the Threes in their lives, championing a more balanced, and authentic way of being.
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Exploring Enneagram Threes and Relationships
Speaker 1Welcome to Enneagram U with Damon and Kelly , where we explore the mysteries of human personality and help you learn more about you . With your skeptic or an enthusiast , together , we'll take you on a journey of self-discovery using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram . This is Enneagram U . Hey , everyone , welcome to Enneagram U . My name is Damon . I'm here with my friend Kelly . Hi , kelly . Hey Damon , how are you ? Thanks for asking me how I'm feeling .
Speaker 2How are you feeling ? I'm a bit under the weather . Yes .
Speaker 1Well , I was fine this morning , and then I took a long trip yesterday , and then today I was talk , talk , talk , talking and all of a sudden , what was it ? An hour ago , yes , I said , kelly , I don't have a voice , I know , so I'm faking it .
Speaker 2Yeah Well , and as the eight , I'm like I'll just show up and we'll get Damon's voice to work . I don't know how we'll do it . We'll listen to our music . Yeah , yeah , we did . You do have a bit of a voice , so .
Speaker 1I'm glad there's just a little bit . I think it's just fatigue . I don't think I'm sick . Yeah , and I know better . I didn't drink enough . Excuse me everyone Water today , yeah , and so that's where I'm at .
Speaker 2Yes , our body lets us know when we need things Yep , yep , yep , yep .
Speaker 1So guess who gets to do all the talking today .
Speaker 2Oh , how are you feeling ? I'm feeling grateful .
Speaker 1Welcome back from Jamaica .
Speaker 2Yes , I am back from my second mission trip to Jamaica .
Speaker 1That's what you call them this year . I know that's what you call them and I yes it was an amazing trip , I would say .
Speaker 2The high point was just getting to sit and pray with so many of the Jamaican people . They have so little but they really have all they need and they're very grateful . So it gives you a different perspective . It's awesome . Yeah , my low was travel . Oh no , what happened ?
Speaker 2Once again , so we had just delays , which meant we had we missed connecting flights . So our first day we are at the airport hotel it's like I don't even know 536 . It all blends in together . It's dark , 30 .
Speaker 2And getting ready to take the shuttle and we get an alert that our flight had been delayed long enough that we were going to miss the connecting flight . So thankfully we found some really great people at American Airlines that helped us get on flights to Charlotte , but then also to set up our hotel , because there was no way we're getting to Jamaica on that Friday . So then we stayed at a hotel and then had to get up even earlier the next morning for our flight to Montego Bay . Got there , but then we get to the airport , coming home , and once again flights were delayed enough that we were going to miss our connector . Oh my gosh , I know . And so then we're trying to find agents . In Montego Bay there are no gate agents unless it's an active gate where people are checking in . So we found a gate and talked to them there . They got us on a later connecting flight . Well , they got everyone on a later connecting flight except me .
Speaker 2All the seats were taken by the time , Because you know it's a time crunch game . At that point , Like if flights are delayed , people are trying to figure out how do I get on a later flight ? They're with the app , they're with , you know , American on the phone , whatever . And so by the time you know there were just eight of us that traveled , so seven got on , I didn't , but thankfully the gate agent was like let's just hang in here , let's just work with it . So a seat opened up and I was able to travel with the team . But there was a moment where I was like ugh .
Speaker 1You're going solo , yeah , which ?
Speaker 2I could do my brain , I think , at first , because I was like really overwhelmed , was thinking I was going to be in Montego Bay by myself , but it was actually Charlotte , so I could have done that , but I just so wanted to be home in my bed that I literally were just like you've got to be kidding . Oh so , yeah , glad to be back .
Speaker 1I've got my voice . I don't have a voice . I'm sitting here going . Keep talking , kelly , yeah .
Speaker 2So today , what are we talking about today ? Today we're moving into the threes , so I really want to talk about this one too . Yes , so if you can squeak ahead , you can , you can squeak , you've got enough voice , yeah , save it for this . Okay , yeah , but yeah . So this month , our focus is going to be on the threes and relationships with the threes . You know that very well , since your wife is a three .
Speaker 1Maybe that's why I don't have a voice today . Maybe that could be it .
Speaker 2It's a psychosomatic expression . I can't talk .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2No , but let's just , you know , start by talking about the threes , and threes are the effective and efficient person . So , like we've said before , they get more done than anybody else on the enneagram . They are just nonstop Facts . Energizer bunny .
Speaker 1True .
Speaker 2And not only do they get a lot done , they motivate us to get a lot done .
Speaker 1Sometimes , yes . So they really take .
Speaker 2I've heard it said they take what is to what could be . So they're always kind of looking like , okay , here's what is , but here's what could be . So it's going a little bit more .
Speaker 1I'm just going to say yes to everything you say today . I got one word and then voice goes away .
Speaker 2I was going to say like for you . You know you're , you get motivated by your wife , she motivates you .
Speaker 1She does To eat right . Yes , drink lots of water so often . Things you haven't done the last 24 hours , that's exactly right .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1Yep .
Speaker 2That's it . You were facing the consequences of not letting her motivate you .
Speaker 1This is so awful .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , direct correlation , yes . So they are amazing , like I've heard so often when I do any of your presentations around VU , like the threes on the team really get props because the team will say like , yeah , this three on our team motivated us to , like , meet our goals . They're like the one that is just like the force behind us that get to , you know , win the competitions and stuff like that for the teams .
Speaker 1That's true , so helpful , it is true .
Speaker 2Yeah . So you know , as we think about for the threes though , the challenge for them , so they're in the heart triad . So the two , three and four and with the heart triad we've talked about this that they are really focused on trying to reduce their anxiety by how others perceive them . And so for the two , like we talked about last month , they try to reduce their anxiety by helping people . But for the three , even though they're in the heart triad , it doesn't mean that they're so much connected to feelings . They're more about , like , what they're thinking or how they are perceived by others , and so they try to reduce their anxiety by how others see them , and so they can put on a persona that isn't so much who
Understanding the Enneagram Type Three
Speaker 2they truly are .
Speaker 1No comment , that's all I'm going to say . Not your wife , no , she's happy . I think others yes .
Speaker 2Yes . So again , I've heard it said that threes can be personable but they're seldom personal . So to kind of explain that , like even with their closest people , they may be like very personable with them , but you're not always going to see who they truly are , because they want to be seen as competent and capable , and so they're going to be personal , personable type people , but not really like where you deeply know them .
Speaker 1I guess that's maybe true . It's not true for the person I'm married to .
Speaker 2Right . I really honestly that's honest truth about that , so it's like yes , I could see that , though .
Speaker 2Well , again , we want to look at , you know , the healthy version of each of the numbers contribute to healthy relationships , but all of us can fall into those average or unhealthy , and so I would say , for the average or unhealthy three , they just have to watch for that temptation to just be a little bit removed . So , again , they're going to be friendly and , you know , relating to people , but is it motivated because they really want to be close to that person or is it motivated because they want to appear capable and competent Gotcha ? So that's just what they have to watch for in relationships .
Speaker 1No , I know threes that maybe aren't quite as healthy , or have known them .
Speaker 2Right , yes .
Speaker 1So I would agree with that .
Speaker 2Yeah , but they can feel like really , you know , like people that may be connected with the three . They may feel like , oh , I'm really close to this person , but the truth is they want to do to feel like you're close to them but they're not really . Yeah , if that makes sense .
Speaker 1They're performers .
Speaker 2Yes , yes , very , very true . So , yeah , they you know . The struggle , then , for the three is allowing themselves to not only focus on doing and thinking , but feeling , and we're going to be talking more about that too , so I'm mostly let you do the talking . Yes , okay , it's odd because we're normally like having this conversation . I know You're just going to have to carry it this time , it's okay , it's okay . I really wish I could talk , yes .
Speaker 1Well , we want to keep your voice . We don't want to torture people . No , no .
Speaker 2So you know , the big thing for the three is recognizing this , trying to reduce their anxiety by what others think of them , and so probably more than any other number on the Enneagram , they've really been really shaped by this conditional kind of acceptance . So really what that means is I'll be accepted . If so , if I perform , if I impress you , if I'm the star , if I'm the star , then you will accept me and then maybe that'll reduce my anxiety .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2But the challenge with that is like that doesn't actually reduce their anxiety and so sometimes in relationships we have to be aware for the three be aware of like okay , am I having expectations that this person is going to somehow make me feel less anxious ?
Speaker 1Okay , so that doesn't work . What you're saying is it doesn't work . It does not work .
Speaker 2Yeah , Because if you think about it too like , even though you may be impressed with me or accept me , I may momentarily feel like a reduced you know , reduction in anxiety , then it's only going to leave me with wanting to impress you more .
Speaker 2Impress you more , and so I say this phrase a lot . It's like filling a cup that has no bottom . Yeah , you know , it's just this continual . And so for the threes , really recognizing that about yourself , not in a way of shaming or creating more anxiety , but just in a way of how can I then , like , put a bottom on that cup by you know , just really looking at how can I be loved and accepted period .
Speaker 2So you know , trying to be as much unconditionally accepted , and that starts really with our relationship with ourself and even our relationship with God . You know having that and that that's really where they find that reduction in anxiety , not by what others can give them , but by what they can give themselves , by what God can give them as well .
Speaker 2Gotcha , yeah . And so you know having to watch that , and I say , you know , watch those conditional statements , I'll be loved , I'll be accepted , I'll be , you know , finally feel good about myself if or when , because that's that conditional statement that is always a trap , especially for the threes .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2I think all of us experience some of that , but the threes especially . Because if you think about threes and their relationships from the time that they were really little , you know with parents , with teachers , with coaches , if they could perform , if they got good grades , if they excelled , you know , and in our culture , our Western culture , really sets threes up for these kind of relationship dynamics of okay , if I can just impress you , then you're going to love me . Yeah .
Speaker 1If .
Speaker 2I can bring home that A grade card , my parents are going to love me . If I can just be the best star athlete , my coach and my parents are going to love me . If I can just perform at school , my teachers are going to love me . So you can see how that plays out . It's hard for children that are threes and that grow up to really then break out of that kind of rhythm you know , but there's certain things in our life , you know .
Speaker 2I mean , unless we're in school forever , we're not going to get that grade card , Thank God . But threes are always looking for ways to get the gold star .
Speaker 1I can't tell on our butt , but yeah , my wife has two , two master's degrees . Yes , yes , is that why ? Yeah , well , I mean , it costs me so much money .
Speaker 2It's excelling , you know and that , but then also I mean , there is something a three gets from getting that grade card .
Speaker 1Yeah , and she loves to be a learner . Yes , yeah .
Speaker 2That lifelong learner that's part of that too .
Speaker 2Yeah , the other thing I think for a three just to recognize and you mentioned this a little bit a moment ago is then they can become these shape shifters to be accepted , so they have a perception of what you might want from them .
Speaker 2So if they become that again , they're going to feel like they can be accepted or pleasing others again with this idea of reducing their anxiety . And so , for a three , what we want to really encourage threes in relationship with themselves and relationship with others is to really be in touch with who you truly are , not who you think others want you to be . Okay , which sounds , I mean , on one hand , it may sound like well , yeah , you know , but on the other , it may sound like , how do I even do that ? You know , because for the three especially , again , from childhood they've just really , you know , gained this ability to shape shift , to just become what others want them to be . So they really lose touch with who they really are . And so I would say for threes , how they come back to their true self is actually in relationship , in relationship with God , first and foremost , even as weird as it sounds , relationship with themselves .
Speaker 1I don't know if that sounds weird or not . Yeah , yeah .
Speaker 2And then relationship with others . You know and so I think for you know all of the numbers that healing for the three can really come in those relationships .
Speaker 1Yeah , that's just me listening .
Speaker 2Damon is an aw , yeah .
Speaker 1This is perfect . Yes , people are like go Kelly , go Kelly . Yes , yeah .
Speaker 2Well , and so let's dig a little deeper than in that for a moment of just Getting in touch with yourself . How do we even do that ? Where do we start ? And so , as probably our listeners will not be surprised that this is coming out of my mouth , the first is to be in touch with your feelings .
Speaker 1Okay , I think whispering works . Yes , all right , I feel right now .
Speaker 2Yes , silent yes , so for you know , for the threes to be able Again as we even encourage the ones to do , like what do you really feel versus how do you think you should feel or how do you want to feel , but for the three to really be in touch with their true feelings .
Unveiling the True Self
Speaker 2No one's gonna see this , no one's gonna judge them , but this is a pathway to get to your true self , not the , the version of yourself . And you know , I love this image that Richard war gives us . He says that all of us , you know , have our true self , and our true self cannot be lost . But what happens is , when we live in this fallen world , it's like our true self is , like our bone in our hand .
Speaker 2But that , you know , when we have injuries such as , like for the three , I think of injuries for them , as you know , not excelling or failing at something , or not getting something right the first time , not being the star athlete , not being the best at whatever it might be , they experience that brokenness because they don't feel accepted . And so what happens , richard war says , is that then we develop these emergency solutions . So it's like we put a cast on over that bone and then cast upon , cast upon cast , and so that's our false self are those cast that we put on ? And so what we want to do , and what we want to encourage the threes to do , is just to remove some of those cast , layer by layer . You know the , the saw will not cut you . You know , if you've ever broken an arm I know I have where it's it's like I gotta put my arm under that Saw , is that ?
Speaker 1right yeah , no .
Speaker 2I never know . No , okay , mm-hmm , no , so I'm not an eight .
Speaker 1Yes , you probably were driving to do something you shouldn't have been doing .
Speaker 2Yeah , softball , yeah back in the .
Speaker 1Yeah , that would be a good story for the eight .
Speaker 2Yeah , because I continued to play with your cast . No , with my broken arm until like couldn't play . Of course you come out on the field and say we're going to the hospital the bones sticking out of your arm .
Speaker 1Maybe we should have that . Look at a game to finish . Yeah , no .
Speaker 2But anyway , if we think about personality like that for the three , we just want to gently remove those cast To be able to get down to the true self , you know . And so one of the layers of the cast that we want to invite them to Just start to be in touch with are their feelings . What do they truly feel ? And since I've mentioned anxiety a lot , that would be the first place I would invite threes to really think about what . What are they feeling anxious about ? Not noticing anxiety ? Not in order to make them an anxious person . They're already anxious , but it's like they've carried it for so long . It's kind of like they it just becomes part of them . You know , it's kind of like that saying like if you , you know , lose 20 pounds and then you Pick up something that's 20 pounds and you're like , oh my gosh .
Speaker 2This is heavy , and you've just gotten so used to carrying 20 pounds that you it just becomes part of you , and so I think that's the truth for the threes with anxiety . They've just carried it for so long that it's just part of them , and so that's , you know , one of the first things I would suggest never thought that my wife is an anxious person .
Speaker 1But , I , she has experienced it , there's no doubt about that . But on an ongoing basis . I haven't thought about I'm gonna . I'm gonna go home today and say are you anxious ?
Speaker 2I mean , I'm anxious about .
Speaker 1I know you're anxious .
Speaker 2Yes , you know , because it may be . You know , when we recognize anxiety , it may be because it's , you know , pretty you know . I don't want to say extreme , but it's , you know . It's maybe Overwhelming us , but I would say some of the numbers really have just lived with anxiety for so long . But that could be a great question to ask like , hey , where are you noticing your anxiety ?
Speaker 1Hmm , yeah , and we're trying to reduce it , you know when we were young , we , when I was young , we didn't even use that word . No , I mean , we didn't use feeling words . No , I mean anxious . I'm like . If I would , I can't think . If I thought back and like when I was 12 , if I would have said yeah , I'm just anxious , I think I don't know what would have happened and beating up or just thrown out of not thrown out of the house , but they would have been just confusion .
Speaker 2Yeah , what does ?
Speaker 1that like what ? Does that even mean ? Right ? What's wrong with you ? Didn't use that word .
Speaker 2We didn't or , you know , maybe we . What we heard from our parents is if we were having , you know , overwhelming emotions , especially , I know , like crying so often . Children here like if you're gonna cry , I'm gonna give you something to cry about .
Speaker 1Yeah , there's that , you know yeah , suck it up . So we just didn't really have the language . It'll go away . Yeah , let it just give it time . It'll go away .
Speaker 2Yeah , just get a good night's rest or right , which sometimes , yeah , we were tired . But that's one thing I love about , like the generation that we're pouring into , is that we're giving a vocabulary For language , for their feelings , or inviting them not to stay stuck in them . You know , we've got to process them in a healthy way , right yeah , mm-hmm .
Speaker 1Yeah , if they stayed stuck , we would Probably not be doing them a favor . No it'd be better to be stuck in them and not know it , like when I grew up . The good old days good old days when we felt terrible but we didn't know why and we didn't even know that that was a terrible feeling that our way of processing was to suck it up . It was just to keep going . And then it's like well , why is your life in shambles ? I don't know . No , I can't even tell you .
Speaker 2Decades of emotions that have been unprocessed , that , yes , are taken over .
Speaker 1Mm-hmm .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah . Well , and going back to the three , then for a moment , like with this idea of exploring their true self and their emotions . You know , the the struggle for the three is deceit , and so , as we've said before , it doesn't mean that threes aren't honest people , but part of the deception is that they deceive themselves to be something Different than who they really are . So this journey to their true self is so important , because if they're living in their false self , like shape-shifting or out of touch with who they really are , that is living and some deception . Does that make sense ?
Speaker 1Yeah , do they make good actors .
Speaker 2Oh , absolutely yeah , they can perform , We'll see it could be a superpower then in some ways , I mean if it's on stage or on film , but like this is where the personal life , oh gotcha .
Speaker 1Yeah , for sure , I didn't grow up with this stuff , kelly .
Speaker 2Yeah , but you're learning ?
Speaker 1I don't know if I am honestly .
Speaker 2Well , and we wanna invite them that they don't have to construct an image of who they think they need to be Like . We want to know who you really are , and so , and being in a relationship with the three , it's giving a safe space for them to be who they are , and we'll talk more about that in a moment . So another thing we wanna invite threes to just be aware of is this concept of team me . Have you heard of that ? Like I remember in high school , I think the football team had like the in big letters on the back of their shirts team , and then in tiny print it said me .
Speaker 2So , team over me .
Speaker 1No , I and team I heard that one that's Damon's mantra oh that's what I was . There's no .
Speaker 2So this idea for the three that sometimes for them they have to watch because , in honesty , me would be in the big letters and team would be small , okay .
Speaker 2You know . And so , again , not to say it has to be all for the sake of others , but can there be this rhythm of this balance of pouring in and pouring out ? You know , because for the three they're very competitive and they also are very equipped to play the comparison game , you know , and so being able to see that there's beauty in being a part of the whole and that you don't have to just focus on self .
Speaker 1Okay , yeah .
Speaker 2Which is important for them too . The other thing I would say for the three is and I think this may be unique in our Western culture I've never lived in another culture , so I don't know for sure .
Speaker 1You almost have , I almost have . You've been gone that much yes .
Speaker 2Yes , I would ask are you going to buy a house in Jamaica ?
Speaker 1I'm like , well , not yet , yeah , but maybe no .
Speaker 2But anyway , I think for us that aren't threes to recognize that we are really drawn to relationships with threes , but sometimes they're not for the right motivation either , so Uh-oh . You should have told me that 35 years ago 36 , sorry , whoops . But you know , to just watch our motivations , because we want to be safe people in relationships with the threes and sometimes we're drawn to them because they are very youthful , energetic , very efficient , they're winners , they achieve , they're successful , they're hard workers . So we need to watch , like what is our motivation ?
Speaker 1in being in a relationship with a three .
Speaker 2And to have to evaluate some of that for ourselves too , yeah .
Speaker 1Sure glad we didn't have this when I was growing up . I might not be married to the person I'm married to .
Speaker 2Oh , I'm in so much trouble , you've grown together .
Speaker 1There's a reason I can't talk today .
Speaker 2Yes , you may not be able to really talk tomorrow . Yeah , Sleeping on the couch . There would have been way more of this way more .
Speaker 1That's so many stories that got shelved .
Speaker 2Oh yes . Yes , it's good . It's a good thing You're doing great .
Speaker 1It's very informative .
Speaker 2So I guess we would say the downside for the three to watch for is , you know , they want to be the healthiest version of themselves , and that's a journey , and having to really work on thinking of it more of this is a process of transformation , you know , not in being successful .
Navigating Growth for Enneagram Threes
Speaker 2And I wanted to share this quote . Richard Rohr , who we've shared some of his quotes this is a new quote , I just came across this the other day . So he's the one that says hell hath no fury as an , you know , unappreciated to . So he says for the three .
Speaker 1Oh wait , I gotta let me brace . Okay , get your pin .
Speaker 2So he says success has very little to teach you after age 35 .
Speaker 1What .
Speaker 2Yes . So this idea , like for the threes , their life is about how do I succeed ? But if you think about it like , success doesn't have a lot to teach you after a certain age , sure , you know , but I think for the three . That's something to keep in mind . His or pursuit is continually maybe in more of that unhealthy or average . I have to succeed .
Speaker 1I have to succeed Gotcha , but yeah , there's not a whole lot more that you can learn If you're a three under the age of 35 , no , I'm not kidding , succeed , succeed . I understand what he means . Oh , yeah , yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , that you know . Again . This is where we're coming back to . You know , what are we really valuing in life , you know ? And if it is just success in and of itself , there's more that we have to learn , which is that success isn't the end goal . Yeah , yeah , okay , you know , and I think for threes they probably get to that truth somewhere after age 35 , maybe , you know well , into fifties or sixties , where they realize oh my gosh , I've worked myself to death and yet what do I have to show for it ?
Speaker 2You know like , no matter how much they've achieved , no , I mean no matter how much is in their bank account , no matter how much material things that they have . This is where relationships for the threes like . The earlier they can realize the importance of relationship , the better , because I think there's probably again , if it's more motivated for the average unhealthy three . They don't have close relationships with their closest people , you know , because even their closest people don't really know them or their closest people have felt like a less priority than them yeah .
Speaker 2And so we want to encourage our threes just to start grappling with that . Whatever age you are Okay . So for the threes to to really grow in relationships as a three , we want to encourage them to move from emotional appearance to emotional depth . So again , it's this idea of how are you really feeling versus how do you want to appear , you know , because threes need to . Again , not that we're saying walk around with you , know just your vulnerability and your you know emotions out where everybody can see them . But in healthy , safe relationships , being able to really have that depth to share the dark sides , to share the struggles , the failures , that's important .
Speaker 1Okay , yeah , I'm gonna ask that question too . Okay , two questions , yes .
Speaker 2Let's get to the emotional depth and also to slow down .
Speaker 1Man . Yeah , well , that's why eights and threes are a lot of like Kelly .
Speaker 2Yes , Well and you know , as we'll talk about in the relationship with God . You know this is where the you know the pattern , the upstream pattern for the three and the eight a lot of times are taking those Sabbaths like a day off where you're not doing work . Threes and eights have a hard time with that , with rest . But to slow down , there's a great book I highly recommend to read for for the eights and the threes is it's by John Mark Comer the ruthless elimination of hurry .
Speaker 1Heard of it .
Speaker 2Yes , so good , because he talks about even like watching how you walk you know , and slowing down just being intentional , you know , and it doesn't mean you have to slow down all day , every day , seven days a week , but giving yourself that space to slow down . Yeah , and then also for threes and I know this is something your wife is like queen at and that is making friends you know , and just having people around .
Speaker 2I think so often for a three . If they're not in a healthy place , their friendships aren't really friendships . They're more of networking .
Speaker 1Yeah , for sure yeah .
Speaker 2And so being able to make friends and again , not saying you have to have hundreds of friends , but have those three or four close friends that you can really be yourself . And also for a three to enjoy activities that don't have an outcome or a win . I remember once , you know , there was a couple that we were friends with he's a three and anytime we would go to their house there was always a game he wanted to play , and it was always a game that he was really good at . Oh , yeah .
Speaker 2Everybody else was going to lose , okay . You know and yeah , you only do that so often You're like I don't want to go over .
Speaker 1I've been over to three's house and had that happen and I actually won that game .
Speaker 2Look at you .
Speaker 1That was really a fun day , booyah . I knew I was being set up ahead of time . I should have practiced and well yeah , actually I think I did , yeah , yeah .
Speaker 2Well , it's a good lesson for three .
Speaker 1It was just the game was somewhat foreign . Okay , okay , there you go , yeah .
Speaker 2Yes , also for three to grow in relationships , focus on being that human being versus the human doer , and doing that in relationships . So , just , you know , letting your closest people know , like , hey , instead of it being about do , do , do all the time , like , let's have some activities where we are just resting or just being . Also , for three , recognizing your work is not your identity you know , which can be challenging for them . Your identity is who you are and it's not work , right , yeah , and then , uh , finish it up to uh for those of us relating with the three . So , uh , we want to encourage threes to identify and discuss their feelings . So , again , I've said this already that we want to give a safe space for that . Yup , got that one , okay , also , threes don't like to be interrupted when they're working on a project .
Speaker 1That one came a little too late .
Speaker 2Your hand has gotten burned on that stove . I interrupt her so many times because she's calling me . I interrupt her so many times because she's constantly working . Yes , so this is what you need to say . Like , I constantly interrupt you because you're constantly working .
Speaker 1So can we have a happy meeting yeah .
Speaker 2Can we like stop working at a certain point , and Well , I've shared that already .
Speaker 1It can she , she in in all of her healthiness . But you know , she can work till nine , 10 at night and not even like blink because it's just fulfilling in some way .
Speaker 2Sure , well , and that's , that's a key , getting fulfillment in doing um , which , again , isn't bad , but you know , really one section of the day needs to be about rest .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2And so there has to be a time either . It's okay , I'm going to work till nine o'clock at night , because that's when I need to work . Um so I'm going to take the morning off .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2So it's one section of the day has to be about the punishment .
Speaker 1There is that as well , but we'll let um her get back at me once we have the spouses edition of any of Graham you , which that may be a whole year series itself .
Speaker 2So if I just go , if I go missing , you'll know , you know the other thing we want to remember for those of us in relationship with the three , is to give them accurate and upfront information on what we need from them , cause they really do desire to meet our needs .
Speaker 2They just don't know what they are a lot of times and so being able just to share with them upfront , like , hey , this , this would be helpful , or this is what I would need . They feel successful , like give them , you know , not that it has to be a checklist , but give them those things that , uh , that you need . Also , uh , it's uh been said not to take their distractions personally . Okay , so you know again , they're always thinking , always working . And so they can be distracted and it can be easy to go . You don't love me , yeah , but no , I'm good with that one .
Speaker 1Yeah , we're good .
Speaker 2But for the rest of us um you know , we can take those personal .
Speaker 2And then um , also , really they do , uh , just really love words of affirmation and so , as we can see um , different things that they're doing , or really those areas that they're being or maybe being vulnerable , if we could really verbalize that because they're going to see that as a win and it is a win , yeah . Now what happens again is that they've been so used to being praised for doing Um , and so those successes come easy Like , wow , you did that , um . But then you know being able to say thank you so much for sharing what you feel you know , or thank you for letting down your guard with me , those are good yeah .
Speaker 1That's really good yeah .
Speaker 2And then , um , last , I would say , just to verbalize that you understand their struggle with image , you know , and to be able to let them know that you want to love and see them for who they really are , um , and that they don't have to put on the mask with you . Um , and then also , like I said earlier , sometimes , though , we , as we actually contribute to them , shape shifting , and so we want to be aware of that too . Um , you know , if there's times that we're asking them or encouraging them to maybe be more about image .
Speaker 2Um , yeah , okay .
Speaker 1That's a lot . I think I'm in so much trouble and it's so good that I couldn't talk today . It's so good , it's so . It's such a blessing . I think I've been blessed today .
Speaker 2That's how I feel . God has just put a boundary on your , on your vocal cords .
Speaker 1Yes , this is totally perfect . Oh yes , that's really really really good stuff . And , um , yeah , and it's wonderful to be married to a healthy three . Yes , I will say that , and look , my voice is back now that we're done .
Speaker 2It's a hundred percent . It is a miracle .
Speaker 1I look as my eyes roll . Oh la , it's perfect . I'm not kidding you . This is a miracle . This is a total farce wasn't it ?
Speaker 2Your voice has been great the whole day .
Speaker 1Oh no , actually it hasn't no , Um , but yeah , it feels much better . We should start over and I'll tell you what ? I really think about the subject .
Speaker 2We'll go back through , and now you can give your input , I will . The director's cut . Director's cut . Yes , there you go . Kelly is really good stuff .
Speaker 1Um , thank you so much and thanks everybody for joining us on Enneagram you . We will see you next time . Hopefully I'll be able to talk or not , depending on how many downloads we get on this . If this is the highest download episode ever , we'll know .
Speaker 2Yes , send your comments . Yes , stop talking .
Speaker 1It was so good to just hear Kelly and that's awesome . You did a great job .
Speaker 2Thanks , bye Kelly , bye Damon .
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