EnneagramU
Relationships with Enneagram Type Four
Ever pondered why some of us are drawn to the melancholic beauty of a solitary raindrop or the heart-wrenching lyrics in a song? Join Kelly and me as we unfold the emotional tapestry of the Enneagram Type Four, the Individualist. Our latest episode of Enneagram U is a journey into the hearts of these deeply feeling souls, offering you insights into embracing their world of beauty, pain, and the quest for authenticity.
As we compare notes on our personal days off, the conversation naturally meanders into the essence of Type Fours, those original and often misunderstood individuals. Kelly and I discuss how a Four's longing for uniqueness shapes their life choices, from the mundane to the monumental. We dissect the influence of wing types on their behavior and ponder over the push-pull dynamic in Four's relationships. This episode promises to leave you with a profound understanding of how to nurture connections with the sensitive and artistic Type Fours in your life.
Wrapping up, we shine light on the art of preserving authenticity in relationships, especially with a Type Four. We bring forth stories that illustrate the necessity for acceptance and empathy in interactions with Fours, and offer guidance to those who love them on how to be a supportive and non-anxious presence. If you're looking to deepen your bonds with a Four or better understand their rich inner world, this is an episode you won't want to miss.
www.vufaith.com
https://www.instagram.com/faithandcommunity/
Ever pondered why some of us are drawn to the melancholic beauty of a solitary raindrop or the heart-wrenching lyrics in a song? Join Kelly and me as we unfold the emotional tapestry of the Enneagram Type Four, the Individualist. Our latest episode of Enneagram U is a journey into the hearts of these deeply feeling souls, offering you insights into embracing their world of beauty, pain, and the quest for authenticity.
As we compare notes on our personal days off, the conversation naturally meanders into the essence of Type Fours, those original and often misunderstood individuals. Kelly and I discuss how a Four's longing for uniqueness shapes their life choices, from the mundane to the monumental. We dissect the influence of wing types on their behavior and ponder over the push-pull dynamic in Four's relationships. This episode promises to leave you with a profound understanding of how to nurture connections with the sensitive and artistic Type Fours in your life.
Wrapping up, we shine light on the art of preserving authenticity in relationships, especially with a Type Four. We bring forth stories that illustrate the necessity for acceptance and empathy in interactions with Fours, and offer guidance to those who love them on how to be a supportive and non-anxious presence. If you're looking to deepen your bonds with a Four or better understand their rich inner world, this is an episode you won't want to miss.
www.vufaith.com
https://www.instagram.com/faithandcommunity/
Welcome to Enneagram U with Damon and Kelly, where we explore the mysteries of human personality and help you learn more about you. Whether you're a skeptic or an enthusiast, together we'll take you on a journey of self-discovery using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram. This is Enneagram U. Hey, everyone, welcome to Enneagram U. My name is Damon. I'm here with my friend Kelly. Hi, kelly.
Speaker 2:Hey Damon.
Speaker 1:I am feeling pretty good today because today's my day off. Okay, Yep vacation day for me.
Speaker 2:Take the day off and here you are working.
Speaker 1:It really is. I've had most of the day off today, so it's been good and so what did you do on your day off?
Speaker 2:I slept in. Okay, what's sleeping in? What time?
Speaker 1:Uh well, I woke up. For sure, I was awake by eight. Okay, that is sleeping in, yeah, so and then tried to sleep longer and it just doesn't work at that point, I know, but I stay up pretty late too these days. I was up, I was probably up close to midnight, okay, and just something my family does. Family does well my mom's hanging with us right now, okay does she stay up till?
Speaker 1:midnight. She tries to, but she's. Then she goes to bed at like 9 30 but she's staying with us. She's been here for about a month and so she wants to stay up and watch shows and you know, it's fun, it's fun but then if paula and I want to watch a show, we have to wait for mom to go to bed.
Speaker 2:It's kind of like when you used to have to wait for the kids to go to bed to watch the show, yes, or like when you were dating and had to wait for your parents to go to bed when you watch a movie or whatever. Yeah, it's the same thing now.
Speaker 1:So anyway, it's been fun, and so then we'd stay up late. Oh, we can watch our show now, right?
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I slept till eight.
Speaker 1:And then the Springtime edition.
Speaker 2:So you're living the dream, cutting the grass.
Speaker 1:And it's raining right now, so I barely made it.
Speaker 2:You got just under the gun.
Speaker 1:I did my trimmer didn't start though. That was frustrating, but I'll make it. I'll be okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, anyway, so yeah Good. So you're enjoying your day off. This is what I'm doing on my day that I can't miss the podcast Kelly, kelly, kelly, yeah, okay, it's our Monday going Well.
Speaker 1:How are you feeling today?
Speaker 2:I am actually feeling settled. So the last few weeks, uh, just have been just random. I've been off routine and today I'm back on routine, and I don't know if that's fully why I feel settled, but I'm just feeling back to myself.
Speaker 1:Yay, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:Well, it's kind of boring, but I wouldn't no, I don't think it's boring.
Speaker 1:It's boring. You're a busy, busy person. You're always working, going and going, and I think not to tell on you, but I think I got a couple of texts from you today saying, hey, can we push, can we push?
Speaker 2:that back Because you know, with it being your day off, we were going to come a little bit later, and so I was like oh. I'm going to be late. Yeah, your calendar gets filled quickly. Yes, it does, although I have to say I've been intentional this year to schedule white space in my calendar.
Speaker 1:It just means what do you do during white space time?
Speaker 2:Well, it's when I can answer email or think through some creative things, so you can continue to work. Yeah, through like some creative things so you can continue to work. Yeah, so I can yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:But where I'm not like before this year it's been like pretty much back to back things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you'd be engaged with a person or a project.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And not just like, okay, I'm going to step back and make sure that I'm on course. Yes, I'm not going to be meeting with anybody during that time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe I'm doing something more creative or something spontaneous.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'm trying not to be as scheduled. It's working, it is. It's working completely.
Speaker 1:Your schedule was totally off today.
Speaker 2:I know, I know, so you're not that scheduled I know it's awesome. It's a balance. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:What's our number today? So?
Speaker 2:we're shifting into the fours, so these next few weeks we're going to be taking some time focusing on the fours fours in their relationship. So, if you remember, the four is the original person. I do remember that so they're part of the head triad. They like to be unique and original. They're very creative, so they've been called the romantics of the Enneagram. So who could forget the time you thought you were the four bringing in your guitar?
Speaker 1:I am the four at heart. Deep down in my heart, I'm a four, deep down. Yes, oh yeah. And we have talked about how fours can swing toward a three or a five, and we've talked about the starving artist or maybe the successful artist, and these are all my theories. By the way, no one else has ever said those things. I don't know, I'm just observing.
Speaker 2:Nothing new under the sun, but your observations, I think, are very wise in that. Yeah, if the four has a three wing, they're going to be more strategic and efficient, and if it's the five wing, they're going to be definitely more introverted, more kind of behind the scenes.
Speaker 1:Painters, painters, observers. I think they're going to be painters.
Speaker 2:Yes, so, as we think about the fours in relationship, I'm sure I insulted someone with that.
Speaker 1:If you're a, four wing five.
Speaker 2:You have to be a painter.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, yeah, that's it. I'm sure many of them are. We'll find out because usually we get tons and tons of messages every week about our podcast. Yeah, they'll let us know. Yeah, they'll let us know.
Speaker 2:Yes, those four wing fives that are waiting for this episode.
Speaker 1:They have been waiting and they have their keyboard in hand and ready to type that email yes, okay, or draft a very beautiful note. We'll never get that. There's nowhere to send it. Yes, okay.
Speaker 2:Anyway. So for the four in relationship, their deepest desire, individually and in relationship, is desire to be known, to be really known in their authentic self. So they have this deep desire to know themselves and then for others to know them. So relationships are really important. Can you ever really know a four? That's a great question. It's a great question, artists just seem so abstract. Yes, Well, and I think especially for fours, there's like the layer that we see and that layer that they know, but there's probably.
Speaker 2:I mean there's like the layer that we see and the layer that they know, but there's probably. I mean there's just a lot of deep layers there.
Speaker 1:It takes time to get to know a four. You think?
Speaker 2:Yes, time for them to know themselves and then time for them to let us know them. Okay, and to be, you know, really connected with the four, long enough to be able to know those layers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're going to talk about that. So I would say to a four, hurry up.
Speaker 2:And a four would say see ya, yeah, see ya. Bye.
Speaker 1:You did not make the cut To do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, and this is where relationships can be risky for fours, because a lot of times they've been abandoned by people, because they the very thing you're saying.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sorry fours.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't leave, don't leave me, it was a joke, it was a bad joke.
Speaker 2:Well. But through growing up and even in adult relationships where fours again, in being authentic, they're going to share their authentic emotions, they're going to want relationships to hang with them through the good, the bad and the ugly. And if the person on the other end isn't emotionally healthy or doesn't get that, I think a lot of times for fours they just get abandoned. So relationships can feel risky. Or maybe they've had relationships where there's just been unexplained endings, like maybe someone just cut them off, or maybe they've been told sadly, in hurtful ways, like you're too much or you're too complicated.
Speaker 1:I think fours are free-spirited, aren't they?
Speaker 2:They are, but that's kind of a seven. But they're deep, it's kind of a seven.
Speaker 1:Sevens are more surfacy, free spirited.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:It's right out there.
Speaker 2:The four, though, would be yeah, a free spirit that has such depth.
Speaker 1:Okay, fours, do fours, I think. Move around a lot, change things a lot, or do they like to kind of stay with people or projects or Well, I think they're always searching for their true self.
Speaker 2:So that means that a lot of times they can find themselves in different places different maybe jobs, different careers, different passion areas, you know just seeking to find their true self. So in that way they can, yeah, maybe not stay around a job, especially if they're starting to feel like, oh, this is just ho-hum or this just isn't really meeting my true deep heart desire.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that must be energizing to them, then to switch and to change sometimes to see if something else will land.
Speaker 2:Yeah, something new, there's some excitement in that, okay yeah. And so we want to remember too for fours, even though there've been relationship heartbreak, and so we want to remember too for fours, even though there have been relationship heartbreak and hurts and grief, to keep trying not to just abandon relationships. And then for those of us that are in a relationship with the four, hopefully today, as we're talking about being in that relationship, we can all be encouraged to keep trying, keep in the relationship, don't abandon, to give some tools to help keep that connection going in the relationship, don't abandon, to give some tools to help keep that connection going. So for the four, we also want to remember that their struggle, their besetting struggle, is envy, and so, again, it's not being jealous, but it's longing for something they feel like is going to complete them, and so a lot of times they long for what others have, and that can get complicated in relationships.
Speaker 2:So let's say, damon, if I'm a four and I'm in a relationship with you, I'm going to see oh my gosh, damon has it all together. Look at how much peace he has. He's in his profession, where he feels very settled. He's in this amazing marriage. They tend to see what they perceive that, they think that you have, and there can be that envy of that. Again, it's not jealousy like, oh, I want to live in Damon's house, but it's like, oh, damon seems like he has it all and, you know, like he's got it figured out and I want that figured out for me. And so really it's like I envy happiness or uniqueness, or even maybe the comfort or the peace that you might have in your life and have that envy.
Speaker 1:I would just highly recommend that you use a different example next time.
Speaker 2:Well, you're the only one in the room, but I mean in a far-fetched kind of way. Yes, now, that feels so much better.
Speaker 1:Thank you for letting me off the hook, oh but so you know, so that can be.
Speaker 2:The challenge in relationships is just that gets in the way, like the envy piece can get in the way. And then also another thing that can be a challenge for the foreign relationships is that they do feel like no one really gets them, and it goes to what you were saying like, um, there's 10 layers under what we might see right, and so they might feel like yeah, no one gets them, yeah, and they don't want to be just in a shallow, surface level relationship, and so I guess our encouragement for the fours are to know that, like, relationships really are going to take time, and it's worth your time.
Speaker 1:And meaning they. They need to understand that their relationship, their relationships, are going to take time Both Okay, I was going to say cause. I need to understand that my relationship with a four for sure is going to take time. Exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:Because for those of us that aren't four, this is where we've probably been in a relationship with four and maybe just like let it fizzle out, or just you know.
Speaker 1:So don't say hurry up, don't say hurry up.
Speaker 2:No, and, as we'll talk about, you know, for those of us in a relationship with four, being honest in our communication and not just fizzling out or abandoning them, because that's sadly been their experience a lot of times. So here kind of think about this as the challenge for the four. They want predictability and comfort and peace, but at the same time they want to be authentic and unique. So it's like those are all dynamics that are playing against each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, same again, yeah, so they they want predictability and comfort and peace.
Speaker 2:So like me today, like routine.
Speaker 1:So that's like really stable, yes.
Speaker 2:Stability, but they also want like to find their authentic self and to be able to be unique and original.
Speaker 1:Yeah, those things don't go together.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean they do, but it's hard. It is hard Right. So probably why so many artists have a hard time really landing anywhere and staying Right, those are counter um. Stability usually means boring yes, and that's afford does not want anything boring and it means routine, and it means the same thing. But they're looking for that a little bit, but in a creative way, right? Oh, wow, yeah.
Speaker 2:So there's this you, you know almost this come closer but stay back kind of push pull. I think a lot of times in relationship too, they want that stability and predictability in relationship.
Speaker 1:Yet freedom and freedom. Okay, yeah, so you can see, it's important to know.
Speaker 2:And again, it's not that fours are people that we can't be in relationship with. We just need to know and the fours to know those dynamics so that we can really work within those dynamics instead of pushing against them. Yeah, and so for the four, we want to remember too that they can hold again these different paradigms, so they hold beauty and pain. And so what we want to encourage for the four is to recognize that that is your superpower, that is not your weakness. And so you know, for the four, they're able to see, like, the depth of the pain, of emotions. They go to the depth of their own emotions and they walk with us into the pain and the depth of our emotions, and so they hold that in beautiful ways.
Speaker 1:Can fours be good counselors?
Speaker 2:I think they probably could.
Speaker 1:Okay, I felt a little question there.
Speaker 2:Well, and I'll say this. So fours, when they're under stress they take on two behaviors, and so twos really are probably the ones that many of twos are counselors. And so I think for a four, if they're going into the helper too much, it may be under stress or under like that unhealthy or average kind of place, not to say that they couldn't be, but maybe they would be more of like the art therapist you know the art therapy?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Cause you did say they. They will walk with you in your pain or at least maybe, maybe they can't fix all that as a counselor might try to. I'm not saying fixing is good or bad, but just because I don't have the vocabulary for it. That's what I'm going to say. They may not try to help you, but they can definitely go there and understand you.
Speaker 2:Right, yes, and that's where I think for a four being able, yeah, I think they could be counselors, but I think more than that, recognizing that what a gift fours are to their friends, because they're never going to say snap out of it or hurry along with your emotions. You know, the ability to be empathetic is so great for the four, like they're in it with you with your feelings.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so we want to encourage the four to recognize that being able to hold that for yourself and for others is a superpower, because I think sometimes they feel like it's a weakness.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I was just perusing my phone here about fours a little bit and it just seems like a lot of actors and actresses are fours.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean any of the creative fields are fours. Yeah, yeah, I mean any of the creative fields, uh, you know whether it's acting um being musicians, artists, like you said anything creative writers, um yeah, they are very much those expressions of, of those creative abilities this one says and never mind, yeah, there's just a lot of names here.
Speaker 1:I'm'm like, okay, maybe they are fours.
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:We'll see we won't go down, that we won't chase that rabbit.
Speaker 2:Some of those websites.
Speaker 1:Guess what people's numbers are Right, of course. That's what this is.
Speaker 2:Unless you're actually that person or know the motivations. That's where we're coming back to. Your true number has to do with your motivation has to do with your motivation why you do what you do, and so, for a four, the reasons that they do the things that they do is to really make the world a more beautiful place and to be able to feel like they have a unique contribution in the world.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm going to tell you who the names are Okay, just for fun. Just for fun because fours you've got to know that there's some powerhouse names here yes. Like, for example, bob Dylan's probably. Yes, I've read that before. Yeah, prince was a four. Okay, let's see Stevie Nicks. Yes, okay. So look at that, johnny Depp.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you want to, you know, connect with these names, but that's it, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, those are some big talents well, and you think about Prince.
Speaker 2:You know, at one point he even disregarded the name and he was the artist formerly known as Prince, and it was a symbol.
Speaker 1:He was just a symbol.
Speaker 2:Yes and again, just his artistic music ability, like his style and how he dressed.
Speaker 1:For sure. He was a four For sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool, yes, and so what we want to say for the fours that are listening, we want to encourage you, as far as how you engage in relationships with others, to surround yourself with things of beauty in your relationships, and so it might be that friend that just has a beautiful heart that you want to connect with. It may be that you do beautiful things with your friendships. I think about all the different creative ways that fours can engage with their friends and being able, though, to recognize that there are boundaries though, that you can't be around beauty all the time, I think, for a four like their heart's desire, and if they lived in a perfect world, it would be that they would just be engaging in beautiful things all the time.
Speaker 2:You know, with knowing that maybe too much beauty lessens beauty, if that makes sense, yeah, and so this is where you know, with knowing that maybe too much beauty lessens beauty if that makes sense, okay, yeah, and so this is where you know we've encouraged fours to even take a walk and notice, like the simple flowers, the simple leaves on the trees or the grass, that that's unique and that you know, knowing too that and this is something you alluded to a moment ago, to bear witness to pain without trying to fix it. Because it's that space, like with friendships, for a four. You're going to be able to have all of these beautiful experiences with your friends, but also there's the dark side, the pain, and fours again, they're not going to push away from the pain, but they're going to want it to be a relationship that's all about beauty. And so when friends are experiencing places of pain, knowing that you don't have to fix it, you're just there with them.
Speaker 1:Well, you said that a lot better than I tried to say it.
Speaker 2:Well, good job, but you know you introed that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I stumble into things and trip on my way out.
Speaker 2:And I'll bring my dustpan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you clean it up. I'm so glad you're here to sweep up after me.
Speaker 2:But then what we want to also encourage fours with their relationships is to be able to be authentically you in your relationship, to be able to express yourself in many different ways and just to know that not everybody's going to get that or appreciate that and that's okay. You don't have to change who you are just for a relationship, and I think a lot of times fours have felt like that. I think for fours they feel like who they are may not be a strength, it may be more of a weakness. So that's where we want to say no, this is your superpower. But then also don't feel like you have to change who you truly are in order to be in relationship, like the relationship isn't worth it.
Speaker 2:Yeah To be able to be authentically you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, so fours don't just have relationships with fours. Obviously it's lots of different numbers, yeah, and I imagine, as we talk about, all the numbers.
Speaker 2:Um, we're probably drawn to people who aren't our same number. Probably, true, yeah, now again, it's good to be in relationship with our same number, but it's not going to probably be the majority of our relationships, and that's a good point too for fours, um, and all of us, but I think especially for four.
Speaker 2:They are looking for their true love, they are looking for their true self, they are looking for perfect relationships, but just to know, there is no perfect relationship out there good point, yeah, good point I had a friend once that was telling me as a four um she was expressing that she had to set boundaries on rom-coms, that she watched love songs that she listened to Because she said in her mind she was like that's not the relationship I'm in.
Speaker 1:But she was wanting that. She was wanting that. She's wanting that romantic comedy, yeah, okay. Wanting that love song to be true, yes, and wanting this, you know the movie ending Storybook ending.
Speaker 2:Storybook, happily ever after. And so four is having to realize there aren't any perfect relationship, whether it's romantic relationships or whether it's even friendships like there's no perfect friendship.
Speaker 1:You may have just crushed many souls with that statement, but don't worry, it's good advice and good truth.
Speaker 2:That's right. And you know for a four to recognize you're going to have a few deep friendships but you won't have lots of shallow, you know. And so I think for a four to recognize you're going to have a few deep friendships but you won't have lots of shallow. And so I think for a four, probably the encouragement would be finding people who accept you for who you are and really giving time and energy and maintenance to those relationships.
Speaker 2:That's great, yeah, planning things that are beautiful experiences together, because fours plan beautiful experiences. But then also you're going to be the friend that the other friends reach out to when they're experiencing pain, and that you don't have to fix it, you just are there with them.
Speaker 1:In that, yeah, we probably talked about this already. We talked about how fours do maybe move around a little bit searching.
Speaker 2:They're search searchers wandering yes.
Speaker 1:Were they the longing one?
Speaker 2:Is that the longing, longing so?
Speaker 1:do they tend to sever the relationships when they move on, or?
Speaker 2:does that, just that probably just happens yeah. I'd say it's maybe a little bit of both, cause you're trying to tell them to do the opposite of that.
Speaker 1:You're telling them to. Hey, hang in there. Yes, hang in there.
Speaker 2:Hang in there with people that you feel like do understand you, that do care for you. Yeah, I think the image is the four standing outside the window looking into the house of someone else and going oh, that's not what I have Gotcha. Yeah, and so yeah again, not feeling like you have to just pull up roots and start new. Okay, you know. And maybe, if a four is feeling a bit lonely, maybe thinking through like, okay, who are some of those people in my life that maybe I've kind of subtly let go of?
Speaker 2:that you know I could reach out and go hey, I've been thinking about you. I'd love to get together for you know, for coffee or something. Yeah, it's good if a four or do something beautiful, like I mean that's what I would do, meet for coffee, but that's a thing you know. Maybe for a four it's like hey, do you want to go do something creative? Yeah, yeah, it's pain, it'd be simple walk on the trail?
Speaker 1:I don't know I'm so shallow has a paintbrush in their hand.
Speaker 2:I am the worst well, you're just showing that you aren't a four but you're a nine but yes, Well, and so, wrapping up for the rest of us who aren't fours but we're in relationship with a four, I wanna give us some really important keys.
Speaker 1:Sounds like I need this. Yes, get your paper and pen out, Damon.
Speaker 2:And so, if you're in a relationship with a four, we want you to know that, more than anything, they so. If you're in a relationship with a four, we want you to know that, more than anything, they need trust, and they also need steady attention in their relationships, and so they're going to need you to be consistent over time with them and to be that steadiness for them. So it may be that they haven't reached out to you, but hey, you can reach out to them.
Speaker 2:So if you haven't heard from your four friend for a while, reach out and go hey, let's get together. I want to catch up. Good advice, okay. And then also, um, they want you to be authentic with them. So, just as they're going to be authentic with us, they want us to be authentic with them and probably more than any other number on the Enneagram they can sniff out when we're not being authentic. I know I find myself with fours going. Okay, I'll just have to say to them, like I know, you sniff out authenticity and I really want to be authentic and yet I may not be. You know, with other things going on, I may be in my autopilot zone right now.
Speaker 1:Could be why I don't have any four friends.
Speaker 2:They're like ah, finally yes, Well, and that's another point too, with the fours being in relationship with us, like fours find authenticity just so easy to just engage in, and the rest of us, it takes a while you know. So if they can be patient with us and for them to let us know, like what they see, like when we are being authentic, or maybe even when we're not being authentic, you know not fours probably aren't going to call it out like a loser you know, but they're going to go.
Speaker 2:I don't think that's actually authentic and that can be a gift to us if we're open to it.
Speaker 1:It sounds like it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, also I'd say for those of us in the relationship with a four to be a non-anxious presence for them. So just be calm, you know, and especially if fours are having a lot of emotions, that we don't feel like we have to fix their emotions, just like we're not asking them to fix us, but to just kind of be that calm presence, that non anxious presence.
Speaker 1:We can do that, we can do it.
Speaker 2:Nines do that very well, so that could be your gift.
Speaker 1:Damon, maybe you don't see it, I'm starting to worry about this nine thing a little bit. Yeah, it's all right.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, afraid to let them know if you're feeling like there's pressure in the relationship, you know, or if they're maybe expecting you to be more than you can be, you know, just being authentic with them, of going hey, I needed to share with you, like, some of the feelings that I'm having. Like I feel pressure that maybe every time you reach out, I feel like I have to say yes, because the four is going to say I'm so glad you shared that with me and no, that's not what I want. But I think, because we're not used to sharing our authentic feelings with other relationships, we do need to know that sharing them with the four is always welcome.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, now they may have their feelings about it too, but yeah, and then also to be able to let them know, like, maybe, if they're maybe in a darker time, that that might impact us emotionally too. No, it's not like, ah, you make me feel this way because you're feeling down, no, but just saying, hey, when you're feeling down and depressed, like I'm here with you, like I want to be here for you, but also sometimes that makes me feel like I have to fix how you're feeling, because a four is going to say thank you for sharing that. But no, you don't have to fix what I'm feeling. But sometimes we just need to verbalize that, because I think sometimes, if they are maybe in more of a downtime, we may think, oh, I better not answer that call or I better not answer that text because it's going to take more out of me than I have to give.
Speaker 2:But, no, a four just wants you to be on the other end of the phone going, even if we have to authentically say, hey, I only have five minutes before I'm going to this next thing, but I want you to know, I want to give you that five minutes.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, I got you.
Speaker 2:All right, and again, like you said earlier, we shouldn't tell them to cheer up, or hurry up, hurry up, hurry up and get happy.
Speaker 2:Snap out of it Four yeah, don't do that, damon, I won't. No, but we can be with them and their emotions, and there is a difference in validating someone's emotions versus feeling like we have to fix them. So it's really helpful a phrase to say is yeah, I can see how you would feel that way, or I can understand how you would see that. Again, it doesn't mean that we agree necessarily, but just for them to be validated.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but we don't want to make an assumption here that fours are always sad or in pain either. No, no, no, but they are going to express their emotions, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes, and even when they are feeling joyful too, for us to be authentic with them too. It may be that they're having the greatest day and, like our, we are having a really bad day, and they go. Hey, you are so excited and happy. I just need you to know that I am just like slugging by today, like I don't. You know, I can't meet that same emotion and they're going to say they don't want us to.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well and I think you alluded to this earlier that they they're going to know that. I mean they're going to see that we're not where they are, because they're the ones that can sniff out all that emotion. So they know right away, they're in a great mood and they see you and they're like instantly.
Speaker 2:They know you're not where they are right or vice versa. Yes, they've got that down yes, but if we could enter into that with them of going hey, I am so excited for you that this is going well, or?
Speaker 2:you know whatever might be going on, but then also being able to say, um, and today I'm just having a difficult day, yeah, yeah, because that's that authentic relationship that they want. They don't want to into a little box, and they don't want us to fit into a box either. They just want us to be authentic, okay, yeah. And then I'd say, for those of us who work with a four, we do have a few fours around VU, not a lot.
Speaker 1:Really.
Speaker 2:I guess fours aren't really drawn to working at a mortgage company, hmm, but anyway, we have a few. We do have a few, but at work. Fours really do appreciate clear-cut expectations. So they don't want to read between the lines, they just want you to share, like, what the expectations are and, um, have follow-up conversations again. They want that authenticity if things aren't going well. They don't want to like find out weeks down the road like they'd want you to have those clear-cut conversations with them.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And then the last thing I would say for the four and those of us that are in a relationship with the four, not to take maybe some of that push-pull personally. Again, I guess it comes back to that non-anxious presence, yeah, just letting them share and that their emotions are valid and important, because typically then they'll come back around. If they've had a safe space to share how they're feeling, they'll come back around and they'll actually be able to tell themselves the truth. And so sometimes, though, it can feel personal, maybe, if we reach out to them but they haven't gotten back to us, it's like, oh, we can take it personal, like, oh, they may not want to hang out with me anymore, but no, they may not want to hang out with me anymore, but no, it may just be that they've been in the middle of something creative projects, it could be, you know, in the middle of you know something that's needed all of their attention. And so just recognizing that, yeah, it's not personal, right, yeah.
Speaker 1:Woo, yeah, fours, fours, and maybe next week we're going to have a guest.
Speaker 2:I think we hopefully will be able to hear more. I'm excited. It has been helpful, I think, to hear from the numbers just tell us where we got it right and wrong Right. Yeah, Even if it's our spouse which can't happen.
Speaker 1:Yes, it can't happen in this case. Well, no, all right. But I do have to ask you, though have you been continuing to do the dishes? You know, today it was my day off, right? Yes, and that counter is clean.
Speaker 2:Okay, it is.
Speaker 1:I did the lunch dishes oh.
Speaker 2:Yep, yep, way to go, damon, I'm all over it, mm-hmm. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Probably not every day, but it happens.
Speaker 2:It does. It happens on Monday. It happens on Monday. I'm going to ask you about it. It's happened once.
Speaker 1:Every, because Kelly is going to say something. Okay Well, hey, everyone, thanks for joining us on Enneagram U and it is going to be a great four week next week as we bring in a guest who is a four.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to hear from them. Yeah, all right, thanks everybody. Bye Kelly, bye Damon, bye everyone, bye everyone Without love in your heart, without love by your side, without love playing a part.