Beyond Your Number
You're more than just a personality. Beyond Your Number is a conversational Enneagram podcast where Damon and Kelly dig into what makes people tick, and what to do with what you find.
We cover all 9 types, wings, subtypes, and motivations, and how they play out in real relationships, real teams, and real life. No jargon, no fluff.
New episodes every Wednesday. Formerly known as EnneagramU.
Beyond Your Number
Understanding Sixes: Managing Fear and Anxiety Through Faith, Friends, and Self-Care
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On this week's episode of Enneagram U, hosts Damon and Kelly are joined by guest Lauren, a Six on the Enneagram, to discuss how understanding her personality type has helped her manage fear and anxiety.
Lauren shares how she first learned about the Enneagram from her mom and how it's changed her life by providing a framework for her innate tendencies. She opens up about how she responds to stress by becoming competitive and arrogant, more like a Three, and finds peace in Nine-like activities.
Lauren and the hosts talk about useful strategies for Sixes like exercising, faith, therapy and friendship to stay grounded in the face of worry. They delve into the unhealthy traits of Sixes when they're in a bad state, like shutting people out and feeling detached, victimized and lost in worst-case scenarios. Lauren provides helpful insight for Sixes and anyone in relationship with this personality type for recognizing patterns of fear and anxiety and moving toward growth and confidence.
Tune in for an enlightening perspective on the core motivations and growth pathways for Enneagram Sixes!
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Discover Enneagram Personalities With Damon
Speaker 1Welcome to Enneagram U with Damon and Kelly , where we explore the mysteries of human personality and help you learn more about you . Whether you're a skeptic or an enthusiast , together we'll take you on a journey of self-discovery using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram . This is Enneagram U . Hey everyone , welcome to Enneagram U . My name is Damon . I'm here with my friend Kelly . Hi Kelly , hey Damon , I'll start . I just went with silence . I felt like , yeah , I felt like how long can we sit in silence ? You didn't do very well .
Speaker 2Well , I've got some news . Oh , okay , so last week , when we were sharing our feelings , I was feeling anxious because I was waiting these biopsy reports .
Speaker 1So I had this issue with my gum .
Speaker 2They were wondering if it was something more serious . The next day I got the call from the periodontist . He called me himself , so of course I'm answering and he's like Kelly , I'm like this is it ? This is the call that changes my life , but it changed it for the better . Yeah , it's just a very minor situation . So , yeah , just continue doing what I'm doing . It's a condition called Lycan planus , so look it up everybody . It's a kind of a weird thing , but basically it's just an autoimmune thing where it makes my gums uh , inflamed and um , yeah , you just care for it by not eating tomatoes , which I love .
Speaker 1Well , did he mention ? Oh , it's a tomato thing , yeah , and we canker sores and tomatoes all go together .
Speaker 2Well , yeah , it's just interesting . So I'm having to figure out what foods trigger it .
Speaker 1It had nothing to do with your flossing techniques .
Speaker 2My aggressive flossing as an eight ? No , it didn't . But good dental care is important .
Speaker 1That was the first thing . I thought of . I was like , because you had shared that story , that you floss really aggressively once , and I was like what in the world ?
Speaker 2Well , that's it , kelly quit flossing . Well , I think flossing is probably overrated anyway , well , I've done it .
Speaker 1Not if you have like implanus , because I did it once .
Speaker 2Yes , you should do it while you sit on the couch and watch tv .
Speaker 1Yeah well , I mean , you know , I heard this guy . I was listening to this other podcast that lots of people listen to , you know , not like maybe this one where there's one one person listening but and he said he flosses in the shower oh yeah , that was a . Thing and that was how he gets it done every day , because he made it automatic by making it part of his shower routine okay which is kind of I don't know if that's creepy or not , I'm still .
Speaker 2I'm still processing all of that you should try it and let us know yeah , no , I'm not gonna be talking about that exactly . Exactly so , yeah , so I'm feeling really , really relieved , yay . So how are you feeling ? Good news .
Speaker 1What's the morning recording for us today it's a little different , so I actually don't have feelings before 12 o'clock at all , zero .
Speaker 2Not a morning person .
Speaker 1Yeah , I feel I feel OK , you know , yesterday I I feel good sometimes when I get things checked off my list and I you know me and mowing the yard , I got that done .
Speaker 2yeah , that's , that's your high for the week , it is , and I basically push , push , mow a fairly decent yard and I just walk in circles for like three hours and it's got an incline to it too .
Speaker 1So yeah , and I should have a writer and I'm too cheap to have one , but it's really good , like just thinking time , yeah , and it's podcast time for me okay , that's how come I'm so intelligent yes , that's the only education I've ever had well , and they say is you're doing something ?
Speaker 2not mindless , because you have to think about it but , like that . That's where you're able to maybe absorb more information oh , for sure or also I'd encourage you , before you start that podcast , to do some mental journaling oh , because when your body's moving , those feelings come up .
Speaker 1No , kelly , you already got me trying to write now you want my thinking space , just a couple minutes of it .
Speaker 2Okay , you should try it and just see some of my best processing has been when I'm like out on a walk and I'm like I didn't know .
Speaker 1I was feeling that way okay yeah , they say , working in the body just helps you to engage your emotions well , I definitely agree that that happens because I listen to the podcast and then what happens is it gets my brain spinning a different direction or thinking about something else , and then I'm like , oh , I just missed the last 10 minutes of what they were talking about . Yeah , Kind of like you guys listening right now . Hey , hey , wake up , wake up , all right . Well , today we have a special guest . Yes , and we're talking about sixes . Who do we got ?
Speaker 2We are talking about sixes and so , as we're thinking about relationships with sixes , we're inviting sixes that we know and love to come and be a part of our podcast . So today we have Lauren Hoslog .
Speaker 3Hi , did I say that right ? Yes , you did yes .
Speaker 2And so Lauren has been a friend of ago .
Speaker 3I did a little podcast nothing as vibrant as this one , and so Lauren came and shared about being a six . Definitely didn't have intro music .
Speaker 2Yes , yeah , so Lauren's here with us , and so Lauren , we're just grateful to have you , and also we want to say a shout out to her mom , who is a podcast listener .
Speaker 1Wow , really Like a real human Wow .
Speaker 2That's amazing . Lauren's a human , so her mom's a human .
Speaker 1Well , yeah , I thought just bots listen to us , right ? So so lauren , welcome .
Speaker 2You are a six , so tell us just a little bit how you got introduced to the enneagram , how you got , you know , introduced to being a six , absolutely .
Speaker 3First of all , I am not a morning person either , which we were talking about , and , um , I don't floss , which seems strange for a six , because you feel like , okay , we'd be living in fear .
Speaker 1What would happen ? See , I think maybe flossing is just a scam . There's some , we'll talk . We'll talk about it .
Speaker 3But um , I had to make a mention about that and we need to talk about exercising in a six . I feel like it's crucial because we're talking about , you know , our time doing all that . Um , but I did get introduced to the Enneagram for my mom , of course and I feel like since then it's pretty much changed my entire life . And that might be a loose statement to some people , but I think if you're an Enneagram six and particularly , you would agree with me , because we get so lost in our thoughts and our fears and anxieties . So if you can look at something and know , okay , that seems familiar , that gives me parameters to work with . I feel very recognized .
Speaker 3So , it can very much make you feel safe .
Speaker 2Yes , oh , I love that . Just knowing , because I think for sixes with the fear , like when you start down that path , but if you can recognize , okay , this is just part of being an Enneagram six . I'm trying to be safe and secure . That actually is the truth . That helps you to really combat the fear .
Speaker 3Absolutely yeah , I love that .
Speaker 2Yeah , so for you , was it a journey to come to know that you're a 6 ? Or was it like oh , I am definitely a 6? , oh it definitely was a journey .
Speaker 3I think at first I was thinking I was a 2 . And then I think if you look at your motives and like the deep root of who you are , that will help you figure out which number you are . I think the six is the most common number in the Enneagram , so it's really easy to think , oh , I'm not that you know , you don't think you're that common . But , um , but when you come back and really look at those and the big thing which I think I talked about this the first time I was on where you go in stress , that to me is a no brainer , okay , because that is very clear to me Like , oh , I know I'm having a bad day , or I know I'm stressed out about something , because I always act this way , and that is like , without a question , definitely a three . Yes .
Speaker 2For me , yes , so you know when you're in that like efficiency or like okay . I've got to check everything off my list , or what does that look like for you and what's ? What are some of those indicators ?
Speaker 3When I yeah , when I am stressed .
Speaker 2Yeah , oh gosh .
Speaker 3Um , I definitely become very , very competitive and I think , if you think about it , we're already motivated by fear . So if you put it into , let's say , a category of parenting being an employee , whatever that is , you just feel like when you're really fear-based , you go to the extra mile and that will easily go to a three .
Speaker 3Being very competitive , you can become arrogant at times , which is weird because I feel like I'm a pretty humble person and not like that , but that's when I can catch myself to realize how bad it is , because that's not who I am . And so I think I noticed that sometimes the most when I'm in a healthy space , Because for me anxiety is so prevalent every day . So you can easily totter between the three and the six , in my opinion , where I'm at Again not everybody will relate .
Speaker 3but where I'm at in my life I easily can go to that unhealthy spot
Navigating Fear and Anxiety in Life
Speaker 3. So when I am healthy I notice the traits of like my mom and like other nights in my life and I'm like , okay , this is a really nice really nice spot , yes , and you're just sensing it .
Speaker 2It sounds like even in the body , you know , even in like , okay , if I'm feeling that tension , that competitiveness , or even , you know , some of those thoughts that aren't your natural , healthy self of you know , again , arrogance looks like a lot of different ways of like look what I did .
Speaker 2And I think the other thing that you're saying too is that combination . So , for six is in the head triad and six is their besetting struggle is fear . And then you go down that path for the three , which the three is in the heart triad , which their dominant emotion is anxiety . So you've got fear and anxiety at that time , and I can just imagine the avalanche of feelings that that is oh yeah , and I believe there's a few people I know that .
Speaker 3listen to the podcast and you may be surprised .
Speaker 1I guess it sounds like it . I mean , this is shocking .
Speaker 3But I do know a couple that are sixes and also have young kids like myself , and that's why I say take everything I say with a grain of salt , because I'm probably more in the average to unhealthy side , just where the stage of life I'm at right now because being a parent is one of the most stressful , anxiety-producing , fear-producing things . So I hope that , if anything , it helps others that are in the same life stage that I'm in right now understand that we got this .
Speaker 2Yes , well , and what a great reminder , too , of the stage of life that you're in , especially for us , in different numbers , with different triggers , and raising our children is the most important job that we have . And yet , talk about fear-based . And I won't even go into all like well , this and this and this , because I I don't want to create anxiety for all of our sixes out there like crap , I didn't think about that , but I'm sure that's wrong , because sixes think through everything . But just being able to have that grace with yourself too , of saying we've got this , yes , we are in this season where we are raising young children in a world where there's just a lot of things going on , and yet we've got this , we've got just that recognition that the truth is , yeah , this is just going to be stressful , this is going to cause fear . Yeah , very good .
Speaker 1So something interesting I thought that you mentioned is that when you're in an unhealthy state you head toward the three . We've talked about that a little bit with the arrows right , yes .
Speaker 1And so there's a couple different views on this . With Enneagram , Some folks think I'm at a number and when I go , stressed there's a one direction , that I go negatively , and the three is what you're saying for you . But we've also said maybe that arrow could go the other way , like go to the negative . Some people could go to the nine then , in her case , right .
Speaker 2Yeah , some teachers of the Enneagram say that you can go both pathways for health or stress . Yeah , but I think you know too . It's important just to know for yourself . Like , where do you go when you're stressed ? And Lauren , it sounds like it's clear for you . Like , yeah , that three path is just where I go .
Speaker 1And it just adds on more anxiety Because Lauren and I have the same numbers really right , If I'm supposed to be this nine thing okay , then she right , I would go to the six or the three . So I was sitting here thinking selfishly , making it about me that like , well , maybe when I get in that state of like working and checking off boxes and you know , because I can go there and live there , you know , is that I don't know if that's negative , or I always thought that was positive for me . Like when I'm in the three state , I'm like going and moving and performing and doing , but then I'm like , yeah , but there's an arrogance that pops up too when I hit the three side . Yeah , so that's not good .
Speaker 3I think there's a balance for sure . Um , I mean I tell you I have threes in my life that I know are threes and I have a lot of nines in my life and I will tell you when I look at both those people and I can recognize when they're in their good spot . I want to be like that at times . I mean I do , I value the number I am and how I am as a person , with how I handle situations . But I have a friend who's a business owner and she's a three when seeing her knock stuff out is the most amazing thing and just keeping composure I mean I'm sure she doesn't feel that way .
Speaker 3So I will say there's been times where I will get there and I think almost that borderline of stress is good . It's when it goes too far and that's why for me , I think a good spot to be is average . I know there's like this average unhealthy , very healthy levels of six . But because I think a little bit of that stress and balance is good for everybody . And then , if you know , when I'm really chill and I'm feeling really good , then I do act like the nine , but then there's things about a nine that's almost like for me to chill .
Speaker 3Oh yeah , so I feel like that's good for vacation .
Speaker 2That's good for when I'm trying to heal . This is good for Damon to hear .
Speaker 3When I'm trying to heal , because I am spiraling all the time . I can give you a perfect example of something that's going to happen today , of what it's like living in my brain . So when I'm in that space , it's good for me . I'm I'm very drawn to nine people , actually , because they balance me .
Speaker 1Well , that's my life Vacation .
Speaker 2So it is good for Damon to go to the three because he can actually work .
Speaker 1People ask where are you going on ? I got to ask this yesterday .
Speaker 2Where are you going on vacation ? This ?
Speaker 1summer Like no , nowhere , I'm always on vacation . What's happening ? You just it's mental . Yeah , david is not anywhere to be able just to .
Speaker 2You know , right . But what you're saying , I think , is so helpful because and this lends itself to the theory called harmony triads , where it's the three , six and nine which is the original triangle , and what they say is , instead of it being arrows , it's just this idea of balance . And so for the six being able to engage in the nine and in the three , your body , head and heart , and for then the nines and the threes and the sixes to be able to gather those beneficial attributes from each of the numbers . Then for the other numbers , it's the 285 and the 174 . And it's just this , again blending .
Speaker 2You have your motivation as the six , but also , okay , I can have components of where am I through the day being able to have peace , or where am I noticing peace , or where are invitations that I have for calm or for rest . But also like , okay , what is my checkoff list ? And , like you both mentioned too , like , okay , I can get to that point and it's almost like , well , eating ice cream , it's like I love ice cream , so a bowl of ice cream . But man , if I go back for that second bowl , if I go back for a third , does anybody do that besides me . Then you're like no , my stomach's upset , and so it's like where is that boundary line just to keep the good in and the unhealthy out ?
Speaker 1It's good yeah , good stuff yes .
Speaker 2Well , and so , lauren , for you , when you're thinking about just managing fear , because that is the big thing for sixes are there some strategies that you've found that's helpful just to embrace the fear and deal with the fear ?
Speaker 3Oh man , that's a complex question but I will say to simplify it , I think just to be very honest with you , which we've talked about , I'm very open about my faith , 1,000% . I feel like my faith in God , my strong beliefs , and that's one thing about sex , if we believe in something you're all going to know about .
Speaker 3So there you go you're not going to really waver my opinions about many things once they're set . Once they're set , to get there takes a bit , but once they're set I'm pretty solid . Um , so that helps me a lot .
Combatting Fear Through Faith and Exercise
Speaker 3Um , I will say , when we're talking about like time to let your mind go free space , exercising to me is crucial for a six because there's so much energy used to when you're just in constant , anxious , fear based mind and I think when you can let it out , that be you know sometimes any kind of exercise , but I do think it needs to be that something where you're moving and moving other things except just your mind on something . And so I would say , like I've told some of my friends , I've gone through things . I feel like you have to have that toolbox of you know your faith , you know exercise , believe in a good therapist , yes , and good , solid friends that you can go to , and when you have all of that , I feel like it really helps combat the fear that you face in a lot of things .
Speaker 2Well , and that faith component , like you said , for sixes , once sixes really capture the truth or the beliefs they are in , and sixes when they can really attach to something that they believe in and a lot of times it can be fleeting things , like they attach to an organization and feel like , oh , they'll keep me safe or a person . But I think for those of us that are people of faith , it's like okay , when we attach and when we have that relationship with God , that changes everything Because we have that dependency on the creator of the universe that has been faithful and has shown himself faithful over and over . And even you think about verses in the Bible and how many times the word do not fear is there , and I think about 2 Timothy 1 , 7 , that says God doesn't give us the spirit of fear . So again , it doesn't mean that we don't have fear , but God doesn't give us that . But when we do have fear , we can exchange it for his power , his love and his sound mind , and I love that because it engages then the body , the heart and the head with just what God wants to replace our fear with , and so that faith is so important .
Speaker 2And then , like you said , with exercise too , for the sixes being in the head triad , it can be just almost impossible to get out of your head and it's just like this avalanche of fears or thoughts or things like that .
Speaker 2But if you can do something in the body , it engages to where , then you're becoming more holistic and your brain just has to take the backseat for a moment because your body's in charge , and so that can be helpful too to get , like you said , that energy out , get those thoughts out . Definitely a therapist , like you said , is so good too , because just having a way to talk for those of us who are in a relationship with a six , being just a listening ear , not trying to fix , but just to listen , but just to be able to hold space for sixes , to be able to share what their concerns about , as we've said , I think it's okay to go to the place where you're having fear just don't build a tent and live there Absolutely and so be able to share with a friend or a therapist is a great way to be able to name those , get those out of your head .
Speaker 3Well , we're just so lucky too , because VU has all this set out for us to achieve . I mean literally everything I just said , now that we have Lyra , like we have all these things that are in place to have , so really there should be no excuse for someone doing it when you work at VU .
Speaker 2So , yeah , it just takes getting out of your comfort zone . Absolutely work at .
Speaker 1VU yeah , so yeah , it just takes getting out of your comfort zone . Absolutely yeah , for sure , it sounds like the things you mentioned are things every number needs to do .
Speaker 1Yep , so there was a big ad right there for everybody that was a big plus , you know , it's like , as I'm listening to him , like well , yeah , I need to do that and that that all makes sense to me . So , yeah , but it it feels like it's I don't know , you bring it to the surface . Really well , we all need that . Sixes seem to need that more or something to help with the fear . But I'm sitting there thinking , no , I think that's everybody really so thank you for that .
Speaker 2That was helpful . Yeah , absolutely Well . And when we think about again relationships with other people since we're looking at that this season and this may be a more difficult question to answer because it's more about the positive attributes of self and so often we're just focused more on the negative but when you're in that healthy place for you , what do you think your friends or those on the other side of you experience , like when you're just having like that great day or you're just in a healthy space ?
Speaker 3I do know this , but because as a six you have to think too . Anyone that's been in my life a long time . They're in my life because I feel very safe with them , secure with them , so we've obviously had it out . We've had conflict because , I mean , I have a best friend who's states and states away and I straight up told her I'm like I'm not feeling good about us , like I feel like we've gone too long without seeing each other . I don't feel secure in our relationship . I need you to come here .
Speaker 1And she came , okay , wow .
Speaker 3So , and I mean I'll go there too , of course , but there's just times where I feel like those hard conversations happen , and I don't know how often they would happen with other Enneagram types , but with me they have to happen .
Understanding Loyalty and Boundaries
Speaker 3So I actually do know how my friends view me .
Speaker 3I definitely know that they view me as extremely loyal and that is how I came to find that this number was for sure , my number , because I've gone through seasons of insane loyalty that led me down really heart-crushing avenues . But I also know that my loyalty has never wavered when when it was necessary . Um , I've also had relationships come back to my in my life a lot and I think it's because I also have never lost that loyalty . I maybe have really good boundaries now , but loyal is , without a doubt . I would hope anybody that knows me is how I am .
Speaker 3Um , I think I'm a pretty good party planner . I was thinking about that on the way here because I needed to think about the positive side of this number . Um , because you know , again , I'm a pretty good party planner . I was thinking about that on the way here because I needed to think about the positive side of this number because , you know again , I'm in that average kind of unhealthy space , sometimes just in this season of my life . But I'm always planning parties and I think it's because one , it brings me joy seeing other people happy . And again , because I am so loyal and I just feel this connection to protect and give back to those people because they're my people . I think of everything that could go wrong . Like I'm that person that you know has extra supplies and thing a plan B , c , d , and that's why I think I do make a good party planner . I also think that I have a decent way of seeing both sides to something , because I've already thought about both sides of a scenario .
Speaker 3So , when my friends talk to me about certain things that are going on in their life . Again , if I'm in a good spot to be able to navigate it , I feel like I get good feedback most of the time , because I've either been there before or it has to do with parenting .
Speaker 3I'm in it , so just bear with me . But some of my friends have really little babies and I now have toddlers . So I feel like I can kind of see both sides of something and it's because I've already lived it . I've already thought about the absolute worst case scenario and I've already thought and seen the best case , which God's blessed me . So I feel like I can easily see both sides and I get a lot of that from my mom Because I feel like nines do a really good job at being able to see both sides of a coin .
Speaker 3That used to annoy me a lot , but now I'm like I'm very grateful for that .
Speaker 2Yes , yeah . When you're growing up , you want mom to be on your side .
Speaker 3Yeah , I'm like how the heck can you see that other side there is ?
Speaker 2no other side . What are you talking about ? Be loyal to me , mom , be on my side . Well , and like you said for the six , I mean such a gift to be that loyal friend . And I love what you said , too , of when you're feeling insecure , you can be assertive , to reach out to your friend to say , hey , I'm not feeling good about us , I'm not feeling good about our connection . We got to get together and being able to be assertive in that Because that loyalty , like you said , it's even like your relationship with God . It takes a while to actually get there , but once you're there you're solid . That is cemented in for good and also sometimes for the bad too . That's where , like you said , even though you may have had to set boundaries with people , that loyalty is probably still in your heart . You care for them , even though maybe you have to have boundaries of not being in an active relationship with them .
Speaker 3Oh , absolutely .
Speaker 2Yeah , so that is amazing and , like you said , I'm hearing that seven-wing connection of like and give me a party to plan , of just being able to celebrate and have fun , but also thinking through , here's everything this party needs to be successful and with that motivation I mean you can hear it for loving and caring for your people you know , as well . It's like it's got that underlying motivation . It's not just a party for a party , it's a party because I want to celebrate my people .
Speaker 3Yeah , and I'll tell you like it can get kind of crazy . Because no , with how many I want to like , I'm not even kidding Like I want to make a party an excuse to celebrate something all the time . So then you have to have the boundary of okay , but if I do all of that in the same month , I'm going to then be super stressed out , then become that yeah . So I mean , I think that's changed over the years , but now I can definitely get out of control .
Speaker 2Well , that sounds like good . Boundaries on that seven wing too , because the seven just wants to party all the time and have celebration all the time . Know , one of the things we talk about with boundaries is , for every yes , you say there has to be a no , and so you have to determine . Okay , what else am I having to say no to if I want you to do all this ? And remember I have children , I have a husband , I have a family , I've got work that I have to do and yeah , and so another question , just as we're thinking about relationship , like when you are more in that unhealthy place , what is it like to be on the other side of you in the times of those , you know , when you're maybe more in that unhealthy or stressed ?
Speaker 1You can say pass if you want .
Speaker 2We'll just have Damon answer .
Speaker 3I honestly don't mind answering this , I feel .
Speaker 1I would duck and run . You do , I do . I've been doing that for 50-some episodes .
Speaker 3No , I mean really it's weird because I'm super extroverted , but I think that I start to shut people out . I'm trying to think . I mean again the season that I'm in . It's very flighting , like . I feel like today average day , maybe last week I've been like super unhealthy day . And then I'm . So I'm trying to think as a whole . I bet people probably view me as bipolar . I hope not lately , because they're I mean really like I can get so easily derailed .
Speaker 3I mean if something happens with , let's say , my son's choking on popcorn , I already have him dead and buried Like it's great , you know , so positive for for myself , and then a lot from six popcorn . I already have him dead and buried Like it's great you know so positive for myself .
Speaker 2I hear that a lot from sixes like already , like pre-thinking , like what's going to happen with worst case scenario ? Psycho thoughts .
Speaker 3I have psycho thoughts and then if you put the level of any like other relationship , stress , work , stress , and they're not sleeping well because now my daughter's having a regression or whatever it is I think I'm assuming I come off to people probably very cold , detached , and it's probably because I'm all in here , which is weird because I'm such an extroverted person . But then if I'm in such a bad spot , that's where I'm just assuming everyone's out to get me . I can hear it in myself . I become like a victim when I know that I'm not , because I absolutely cannot stand when people act that way , because there's so many great things that happen in our lives .
Speaker 3But I know I must come off that way because I can hear it at times when I'm talking to my closest friends , when I'm talking to my mom or anybody that I truly feel like I can just word vomit to , I bet you that's how I sound Just kind of , eh , probably not want to talk to me .
Speaker 2Sure .
Speaker 3Because that's everything .
Speaker 2I've made it so much worse in here , yeah , and , like you said , on those average or healthy days , being that extrovert , wanting to plan parties , wanting to connect with friends , but yet for all of us it's like we spend our chips and if we're not taking that time to re-energize in the season that you're in , that is all but impossible , just to have time for true replenishment for you . And so when those chips are spent , then it's like you get in your head , like you said , and it's all the thoughts of worst case scenario or even suspiciousness of others even though you know that like the truth side of it is .
Speaker 2No , I mean , these are my people or no ? My son's not going to choke and die . You know , these aren't songs we're going to play at his funeral you know which I want to just say for sixes . That is a common experience and I think if you don't know that , you do feel like they're psycho thoughts , like what is it that I'm thinking about this ?
Speaker 3like , in all seriousness , you like definitely need a therapist , because you need if you're in an unhealthy spot , because I bet we've all been there one way or another . But if you knew the things that I thought about , you would think there was something seriously wrong with me , and I know that there's not . Um , now , there's been times . Sure , I probably you know , but I've always consistently sought out therapy when I needed . But I think , when you look inside and you know these are very fleeting , I have control , yes , and again , god's in control . That's why , if you don't have all these pieces , I don't honestly know how people get through it sometimes and also not to lean into .
Speaker 3Okay , these thoughts are okay too . Like oh , it's okay that I have all these crazy thoughts . No , it's really not . So what are we going to do to kind of work on reeling that in ? Because I don't want people to think it's okay too , but I think if you talk about it and we had a while back like Good Moms have Scary Thoughts group and I joined in yeah , very solid , very solid community .
Speaker 2Right there , we weren't alone . There were books written . Yeah , we were not alone and I love what you said with that , in that being able to tell yourself the truth like these are fleeting thoughts . This is just because I've experienced this or I'm having fear about this , but also they're important indicators to us . Those thoughts are like feelings . They're not dictators in our life . We don't want them to direct our life , but we do want to pay attention to them .
Speaker 2So , like I say , with any of those underlying thoughts or those thoughts that you're feeling , what are maybe some of those underlying feelings underneath ? And for all of us there's different feelings we need to really engage with each day , whether it's in journaling or processing . And for the five , six and seven being in that fear triad , and especially for the six , being heart center of the , you know , right in the center of the head triad and having fear as your besetting struggle , it's like a double whammy . And so being able every day to just engage that fear of saying , okay , today what am I fearing , you know ? Or what are some fears that I'm noticing ?
Speaker 3Just are some fears that I'm noticing . Just to engage it . And I will say too I think a big thing that's helped me is how long have I been fearful about the same thing ? Because that's something that needs to be addressed , because to me this is a very , very good example . It's maybe not to some people
Moving to New District
Speaker 3, but to me it's very real .
Speaker 3So I'm going to go look at a house later today with my husband because we want to move to a different school district , and so we I'm gonna go look at a house later today with my husband because we want to move to a different school district , and so , um , we're gonna go to this house , but they have a pond . Okay , so you already know where I'm going . Yes , okay . So , um , it's like a perfect , it's the perfect setup , perfect house .
Speaker 3But showings are back to back like we're probably , if we like it , we're gonna have to make an offer I've already thought about three or four days in a row about what are we going to do about having small kids around this pond . So to me I already voiced it , I told my husband , it concerns me . We need to know the minute we go in what the game plan is . And we haven't even looked at the house , sure , but for me it's like , okay , I recognize that's something that I'm deeply scared about .
Speaker 3I would go as far as saying truly scared about it .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 3So , but I'm not going to let it . I'm not even buying the house yet . I haven't even looked at it . So just keep it back here and have a game plan of how we're going to tackle it , things like that .
Speaker 2Yeah , again , you know , recognizing it . But also , what is the plan for safety ? Because that is key for sixes , for safety , because that is key for sixes , right ? Yeah , because I can already see how that . Of course it's a change , so change disrupts a six . Six is like that routine and stability , but also , like you said , we want to get in a new school district , but then , ok , in order to do that , it's going to be a change . And here's this house that we haven't seen yet , but it has a pond . So that feels like a danger .
Speaker 3Yep , danger , yep yeah , that's actually the only thing I worry about .
Speaker 2I'm like anything else like change .
Speaker 3That's what's so interesting , is that's so secondary , because I'm like I just need to see are we actually going to move forward ?
Speaker 1and if we are , we have to have a game plan yeah , yeah , that's right yeah well , she looks at me like hey , I'm not crazy no , but being a nine I want you to know that I , since I'm connected to the six at some point . I totally understood that , but I don't think I sit there very long . I definitely go . Yeah , there's that .
Speaker 3And that's why you're good for me . Your personalities are good for me .
Speaker 1Yeah , there's that , but man , because I could go there . So I totally understand , I guess , is what ? I'm saying because my mind can go there easily . I don't know if an eight does that , kelly does that well , eight would be .
Speaker 2Um , not so much about safety , but about protection okay , so I'm already thinking , okay , there needs to be some kind of fence . There is , you know . So , yeah , just going into it , don't worry , yeah , gotcha obviously I drove past it .
Speaker 3We checked it all out . This is and again , this is what I do , and it can be exhausting , but then I also think for a property , for somewhere where you're going to live , it's worth my energy . So I've been better about like don't spire about things that are , I don't like to say , unnecessary , but this is actually a big decision . So , regardless of what comes like , I need to actually let myself be my full six self .
Speaker 2Yes and get more information . Yes , exactly , information is helpful .
Speaker 1But if you let your seven in , you'll be able to say man , that pond is going to be fun .
Speaker 3See , and that I did .
Speaker 1I thought about that I thought about the part .
Speaker 3Yes , I do , I try to think of those things , and you know . But I thought I did think about this example today because it's on my mind so much , and and again , I don't know if everybody could relate to that . But I also think , though , that's how we make really great decisions , when we have the space to think through everything , and then we still feel good about it . I mean , that's why I said once I move forward with something , I feel super solid about it .
Speaker 2And what I'm hearing you say with that is that you can step into that courage , which is such a beautiful attribute for the sixes to have . Courage and just that willingness to take that step out of where you are to something even better , you know , and having that sense of like , loyalty to that decision . I'm going to be faithful to this . This is what we're going to do , yeah , Well , one last question . So you know , when we think about relationships , for those that are listening , that are in relationships with you and other sixes , when you are in that unhealthy place , let's say for you and I think this is really common for sixes being in your head , just having maybe feeling distant , feeling like , not that you're unapproachable , but like , okay , there's something going on that's different . What would you need from those of us that are in relationship with you just to help you in those times ?
Speaker 3I love that question because I try to do that for other people Definitely reassurance of where we're at , like if we've gone a long time without speaking , or yeah , I'll just use that example because that's kind of where I'm at with a lot of my friends . Like the littlest things too , like sending me a meme or something that makes you think of me in our relationship . I don't really need one that's about me , like you know those cheesy ones that are like send to your best friend , blah , blah , blah , blah , blah , like I love that stuff , but if you're just randomly sending it to me , it makes me feel okay , we're good , that bought me like another week before .
Speaker 3I started worrying about our friendship again and just knowing that if you're worried about something , I'm more worried about it . Okay , that if you're worried about something , I'm more worried about it . So if you already think I'm worried about this or that between Lauren and I , I've already thought about it . So I probably think I'm jumping to something . But if you're thinking about it , you should just talk to me about it Okay .
Speaker 2Yes , just to be open to say hey , I just want to start the conversation Because that takes it off your shoulders of then also having to initiate it , or that mental gymnastics of like is this a big deal , is this not ? What is the other person thinking ?
Speaker 3Yeah , and then I'll say on the other side , like that to me , more work on them . But people in my life just need to know . Like I said , I'm extremely loyal . So , you can guarantee that that's not really going to waver from me . I usually worry about it wavering on the other side .
Speaker 2Okay , and so that's even where getting some , you know some text or a card or something where you're being thought of it just helps you to know that , yeah , we are still connected and it's not just maybe more one-sided , yeah .
Speaker 3Oh I love that .
Speaker 2Yes , oh , wow , she has been the best guest .
Speaker 1I'm just listening , I'm just . I've been sitting here when I'm silent , you know .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know , it's a good day , you're right , look , you were already there .
Speaker 1We're finishing each other's sentences oh , that's so scary . Thank you so much for being here this morning . It's early morning where we made it we did it's so good to have you and we may have you back . It was . You were just really good oh , thanks guys , I don't know if we've ever said that . So did you hear that mom ? Did you hear ?
Speaker 2that we're going to have her back . All right , we should have Lauren's mom come in . We should do that . Oh no , she's a nine , she can't come in . She's a nine she can't come in .
Speaker 1No , no , I would be completely exposed at that point it out like a year . So it's , it's all good . Well , thank you , lauren , for being thanks for having me guys . All right , everybody , join us next time on enneagram . You bye , kelly , bye damon .
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