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Relationship with the Enneagram 9: Peacemakers, Assertiveness, and Self-Care
n this episode of Enneagramu, hosts Kelly and Damon dive deep into exploring the Enneagram Type 9, known as "The Peacemaker." They discuss key traits of Nines, including their desire for harmony, struggle with assertiveness, and tendency to "merge" with others. The hosts offer insights on how Nines can practice using their voice, dealing with conflict in healthy ways, and prioritizing their own needs. They also provide tips for those in relationships with Nines on how to support and encourage them. Damon reflects on his own journey as a potential Nine, sharing personal examples that illuminate the inner world of this type. Whether you're a Nine yourself or want to better understand the Nines in your life, this episode offers valuable wisdom on harnessing the gifts of this peaceful personality type.
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Welcome to Enneagram U with Damon and Kelly, where we explore the mysteries of human personality and help you learn more about you. Whether you're a skeptic or an enthusiast, together we'll take you on a journey of self-discovery using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram. This is Enneagram U.
Speaker 2:Hey everyone, welcome to Enneagram U. My name is Kelly and I'm here with my friend Damon. Hey Damon, hi Kelly. So we're talking about the nine this month.
Speaker 1:What a great number.
Speaker 2:I know. So we thought we'd switch it up a little bit, so you know.
Speaker 1:That just threw everyone off.
Speaker 2:You're just going to lead the whole conversation.
Speaker 1:I'm ready to go. Yes, you're going to talk about our feelings. Oh yeah, it's really important for nines. Thank you, I almost forgot, see. I'm actually being a reversal here of the role. You don't really care about feelings, do you?
Speaker 2:What am I?
Speaker 1:feeling. I'm not feeling. Yeah, we were going to try to reverse roles. It's not going to work, but you're not supposed to become me.
Speaker 2:That would be bad.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So should I go first with my feelings?
Speaker 1:Okay, well, I would say I'm feeling really grateful.
Speaker 2:Okay, so we, you know, just reflecting on the end of the summer, now that we're in September, just it was a great summer. It was a great summer of, like, replenishment and rest Now, of course the end kind of stunk with getting COVID. But I'm grateful that, uh, you know I'm past that feeling good. So yeah, I'm just grateful, wow Well good.
Speaker 1:Uh, I'm feeling grateful as well, I'm feeling rested. I just got back from our vacation, that's right. Um, we did we're, we're doing a little time warp stuff here again, which we do every week, cause we're just all out of order. But we always get everything done.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And so you'll hear more about my trip next week that I took to the basketball game to watch the Indiana fever, but I am feeling good because my back no longer hurts. Oh, that's amazing, my shoulders are in pretty good shape and I got up and walked this morning with Paula and we. We walked for an hour and our dog came with us, which we never take the dog in the morning walks and that dog made the entire walk and I'm like, okay, I think now that's going to be a habit.
Speaker 2:I don't know if I like that habit, but yeah, it worked Well. I'm so glad you're feeling better physically Cause. I know, a lot of times when we back, we injure our back or our shoulder, just when we have an injury like it impacts all of us. You know our whole physical, emotional, spiritual.
Speaker 1:Yep and uh, you know what? I just did the best I could with what I had and did the therapy and it helped.
Speaker 2:And yeah, all that, it all worked good. I just had to be patient.
Speaker 1:Yes and have a little faith.
Speaker 2:Yes, and follow the expert advice of your wife.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I did that. I did that, I didn't yeah I didn't play sloth, which is the animal for the night.
Speaker 2:That's right, or?
Speaker 1:the elephant. Did you know, also the elephant?
Speaker 2:yes, I knew the elephant, um and the elephant. Did you know also the elephant?
Speaker 1:Yes, I knew the elephant and the sloth.
Speaker 2:Obviously because that's the struggle, is the sloth. But yeah, the elephant, I guess, because they are very peaceful like herd mentality kind of animals Steady yeah.
Speaker 1:I guess, yeah, calm, unless they're not, because you never want a charging elephant, right? So that would be true for a nine, you know they're very peaceful and go with the flow until yikes things build up, because it does take quite a bit to get a nine all riled up and quite a big event to for all that stuffed anger to come out, and so you don't want that.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:And so a nine doesn't want that, so they better be talking about their feelings regularly.
Speaker 2:That's right. And so a nine doesn't want that. So they better be talking about their feelings regularly, that's right. Yes, damon, how's that going for you?
Speaker 1:Well, I guess you are doing that. I have to, yeah, I mean I have to, at least once a week. I have to say something.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's right. But you are so right as the peaceful person. They are very easygoing, very understanding, undemanding, so they don't demand their own way, they are the go with the flow. But if they're not dealing with their feelings, if they're not still being assertive, even though they're more peaceful, it's like those pebbles build up you know, there's drops in the emotional cup and you don't want to be around when the straw breaks the camel's back.
Speaker 1:Right, when the final pebble goes in and the water overflows, anger overflows, right, yes, and I think for the nine too.
Speaker 2:if we think about like how they present on the outside very peaceful, they are that non-anxious presence, a lot of times the glue in the room, but yet it might be like a duck. You know, on the water surface they look very calm, like they're just easing along, but like under the surface there's so much you know going on.
Speaker 1:Right, Because I long. But like, under the surface there's so much, you know, going on, Cause I think for the nine, there is a lot of feelings inside, maybe anxiety, maybe, um, unsettledness. Yeah, and it can go that way. It can be where, yeah, they're. They're anxious underneath but calm on the surface. It can be that, or it can be that they checked out a long time ago.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So they put they paddled, you know, so hard that it's like now and it didn't ever get. You know you didn't talk about what you were thinking or feeling and or weren't brought in or didn't ask, wasn't weren't asked, because oftentimes nines don't give opinion.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And so, or whatever, and so you just say, well, I'm not going to do this anymore, because it's messing with my piece, so I'm not going to do this anymore.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because it's messing with my peace, so I'm just going to not pay attention to it.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you can stuff it way down. Absolutely. Yep, that can happen Well, and I think because nines are so much a part of harmonizing situations that sometimes they can be forgotten or they don't feel like or they're not valued, and so they don't feel valued. And so if nines do that for so long, then I think the emotion is apathy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know trying, I guess, because peace is so important, giving an emotion to a relationship or giving an opinion to a situation can feel disruptive to that peace, even if it isn't.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And so nines won't necessarily always engage, and I catch myself on that Some. I'm a lot better at that than I used to be, but yeah, I don't know what that is, but it's other numbers. Don't see that as friction and nines do.
Speaker 2:You're exactly right. I think their radar for friction is just really pronounced yeah, exactly, and there's probably nature and nurture reasons for that that we can't get into right now, but that caused that exactly and there's probably nature and nurture reasons for that that we can't get into right now, but that caused that. Yes, and do you think too, is that a space to encourage nines that, when they feel the friction to maybe be assertive, you know that their thoughts and feelings are just as important as other people and to push themselves to share?
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely Be okay being uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And be okay. You know you're not trying to cause a problem. No, don't misunderstand, you're not trying to cause a problem. But if there's something to say, say it.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And you're not going to say it in a harsh way because it's not part of your nature. No, it may feel harsh to you, that's right, but everyone else is going to receive that, like, oh well, that's fine. Now they may not take you seriously because you don't usually speak up. Yes, but it isn't as harsh as it feels to you, to the people receiving it.
Speaker 2:Yes, well, and I think that when we think about relationships, if those conversations don't happen, whether it's a personal relationship or a work relationship, that then over time, those relationships, or even working at that particular place, like you said, that's where nines may just back out, and so it really is beneficial for nines and relationship to recognize that and then, in relationship with others, have safe people that they can share that with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right, and a little bit of my research on the nine cause that might be my number. Um has said that, like, relationships are super important to a nine, and I actually had to stop and think about that, for myself. Like is that my driving? You know, is that a huge driving factor in my life? Am I trying to maintain relationships with people? And I don't think I do that, that well honestly.
Speaker 1:Or I don't think it matters to me at that level. Now, my immediate relationships wife, son, some of my close friends, yeah, probably, but general relationships, that's not been my history, and I don't know what that is. I don't know what that means I'm still kind of thinking about that, but a lot of times I do think it's true for nines that that peace that they want is actually relational peace and not just peace in the valley, so to speak.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And like oh, I want all the birds to sing. And you know a breeze in my hair and all that. But it's more like I want relational peace.
Speaker 2:Yes, well, and like you said, I think for nines, depending on maybe, how maybe social they are, their circle may be broader, but I think really it is that sense of those closest to the nine. Like as long as we're okay, I'm okay. You know because that relational piece is there, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah. But then to take that a step further, could I be by myself and could I function by myself? And my answer to that is yes not a problem, but from what I'm learning about nines, that is a problem for some nines. Yes, I'm learning about nines. That is a problem for some nines.
Speaker 2:I'm not sure exactly what that is. I'm still trying to again figure that out, right? Well, and it may be one of those things too. Have there been times where you have lived on your own Before you and Paula got married?
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah. And so, looking back at that, that was a time that you felt like, hey, I'm good just by myself. And also I've learned that nines and their parents very close typically. Am I very close? Was I very close to my dad and my mom?
Speaker 2:Yes, the answer is yes.
Speaker 1:But did I go off and do my own life? And did they let me in, et cetera? And do they need to? You know dad's passed away, but do I have to be around my mom all the time? No, right, and so but I don't think that's true with other nines. Yeah so that's another thing. I'm still, you know, working through and trying to figure out. It's like, well, I'm I'm relating to the nine in a lot of ways, but not every single way. So, that's probably true for every number, though.
Speaker 2:It really is, you know, and there's going to be different subtypes of the, of the numbers too, that we haven't gotten into quite yet, but you know just where. Yeah, because of those subtypes, we won't present with every dynamic that we might see with the general categories. But I think, going back to you, as long as you're at peace, like if your mom and dad didn't encourage you to go out on your own, that may have been a conflict for you that you would have had to assess, but because they were encouraging you to go out on your own, or even for your relationship with your mom, you guys have a peaceful connection in the fact that she comes here a couple of times a year and she's good with that and you're good with that, and so that feels very peaceful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's, that's all, that's all good. Yeah, I mean I can't say that that's in. You know that that's a bad situation. It's good, you know, and I've made more attempts actually to get her down here and visit us more.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Just as she's getting older and all that and she loves being here, but we definitely have our separate lives. Yes, that's right, which can be healthy. But, like you said, for some nines there might be more of that need for physical closeness you know, of in proximity, yeah.
Speaker 1:One of the things I you know.
Speaker 1:There are like five or something right um it's words of affirmation okay that seems to be when just in the general survey survey of nines that that is one of the main love languages and I can agree with that yeah you know somebody to say I'll even say it to my wife, I'll say it to paula because she's a three, and anyway, I could go into all of our relationship and how that works and why that works so well between a nine and three and we can talk about the harmony triad. Right and you know, of course there's all that Um, but I'll say to her you just need to say good job, honey. Yes. Cause she's off working and doing her list.
Speaker 2:I'm sure the three is acts of service is her love language.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes that's probably right, and so I just say, just say good job honey, and we'll move on, and you know that's it and we joke about that.
Speaker 2:But Well, and I would say that that would really resonate, I think, with a lot of the nines that I know those words of affirmation Because again, it's about you are worthy, you are valuable. And nines really appreciate communication that is direct. They don't like to read between the lines, they want to know clearly, especially with work. This is what the expectations are. But then when we're meeting those expectations or there's appreciation hearing that word or those, words of affirmation are so important because that for a nine, I think, allows them to feel valued.
Speaker 2:It also allows them to have peace that they're meeting the mark you know, because if not, there's maybe some anxiety of like am I doing what they want me to do? Am I, you know? Yeah, and so, even just that simple, good job honey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's it. Yeah, okay, very important, I probably took you off your no. You're great, well, and that's I think you know as we think about being in relationship with nine.
Speaker 2:let's just go there for a moment. Like you know, nines do need affirmation and affection, you know. That's just something that's important to them and I think it does allow them to feel like they are seen and known and loved.
Speaker 2:Yeah, agreed, you know which it's easy for nines to be self-forgetting, and so if others forget them as well, it just feels like a double whammy, also with that assertiveness. Coming back to that mindset, assertiveness again says that your thoughts and feelings are just as important as others. And so for relationship with a nine, if you're in a relationship, really encouraging assertiveness is important Because again, and nines are going to let you know if you have an opinion about something, they're going to let you know, but also, if they're, if they don't really care, they're fine to go with the flow, but to encourage that yeah, and we've said this before we've said if you're going to ask a nine their opinion on something, give them several options to pick from, because then they'll give you one of those.
Speaker 1:Right or if you just say, hey, where are we going to go eat, or what do you want to do this evening? It's like I don't care.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because they really don't. And I really don't, but if you so as a nine, what I'm trying to do now in my life is actually make that decision, or pick the place.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And even if I'm not sure, or I really don't care you know, it's like I'll make a bad choice and that's okay. So that's definitely true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right. That's what I would recommend. Yes, yeah, well, and for those of us in relationships, we need to encourage the nines also to really consider what their needs are, what their dreams are, and to even name those you know, and so that can feel like pressure, I think, for nines, so it can't just be a spontaneous like so even what's your dream you know, but it's like hey, I would love to hear from you like, where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Speaker 2:Like if you could just dream how you would see the next five years going, like, what would that look like? And not in generalities, but more in just naming those specifics.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And I would even go further and say give them some options of what you're seeing in them, so that they can agree or disagree with that. So one of the problems with being a nine is that you take on everybody else's traits being on the top of the circle, on the Enneagram and all of those numbers in you. And so you easily take on the traits of other people.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I find that true for me, like I'll take on other people's passions and not have my own, or other people's ideas and not have my own, and so it's a very intentional thing you have to be very intentional about. I know that's Kelly's deal that she wants to do, and Kelly is an eight and she's got all this energy and so that's an easy way to go. Right Just to hang on to that. What do I want? Right, and that is it's tough. You have to stop and say is that play that movie out?
Speaker 2:Is that?
Speaker 1:what I really want. Do I like that or do I just like the idea of that, right? And so there is a little bit of separation there. But there's also something good about that for a nine, because somebody like Kelly who has energy, you need that energy. And so it's okay to be a little bit of a leech once in a while to get yourself going. I find that true at home, paula being a three and being a worker, that that's helpful for me.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:And so. But if you're on the other end of that, if you're the three or or an eight or whatever, just understand that the nine will get there you know um, but you have to kind of go there together if that makes sense, absolutely Well, and you've hit on an important point.
Speaker 2:You know, for nines to recognize energy is the struggle, you know and it's not that, and we've said this before, but it's not that nines are lazy because they struggle with sloth. It's the energy. And so I think, just for the nines to know that they have lower energy than any of the other numbers, and so being able to recognize that, first for self-care, you know of like okay, what do I need to do to like recharge? But then also in my relationships, like who can I connect with that I can get energy from Right and it isn't just physical energy that we're talking about.
Speaker 1:We're also talking about emotional energy spiritual energy, all of those things, cause it's really really easy for a nine to just check out and everybody, every nine, would agree with that. Every nine would say love laying on the couch, love having a blanket, love watching Netflix, love, just you know, veg vegging out you know and hopefully with somebody that I love or like and so we all agree that that's okay, but to an extreme that is not healthy.
Speaker 1:And so you've got to have some energy and there are people around you who have that and use them to help you get going.
Speaker 2:That's right, being able to have that, even that sense of hey. Come alongside and let me do this together, because, you're right, nines really do love their alone time, they love independence, they need their space. But also, too much of that can cause this space of where it is like, using your example, okay, all weekend I've just laid on the couch and then that's more life-taking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we'll talk about this probably when we talk about nine and their relationship with God. But the whole idea of Sabbath, or rest for a nine, not a new idea, right Like not not difficult.
Speaker 2:No, right Like that's like the easiest thing.
Speaker 1:So when everybody is talking about hey you guys, you know you really need to rest, when do you rest? I'm like, no, that's not my language. My language is time is short, we got to work.
Speaker 2:I need that part. I don't need the rest part.
Speaker 1:I mean sometimes I don't rest in a healthy way necessarily, like watching Netflix for six hours isn't necessarily the healthiest thing that I could do, but I am resting and so anyway. So the rest is not the problem.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's where each of us, you know, have those downstream but also upstream practices. So yeah, for all of the rest of us, like for eights and threes especially, tell us to have Sabbath, and we're like, oh, gosh, okay, but what can I do? You know how can I make work? Still okay, during Sabbath. But, for the nines being able to have that sense of okay service or work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2:And so a few other things. If you are a nine, just knowing that, being in relationships with others, you know being able to use your voice and to tell yourself because your voice matters. So don't negate your own voice, and even recognizing that your voice is probably going to sound harsher or louder to you than to others, your peaceful presence is not disrupted by you being assertive.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I need to. I need to like chat about that for just a second. Okay, so what? What can happen as a nine is at least this is my experience is it can get too harsh.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So, because I'm not good at it, because I don't practice giving my own voice, I don't know how to do that in a way that is balanced.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And to where the uh, the opinion is like okay, here's, here's my opinion, it makes a lot of sense and it's just smooth. Instead, it goes from zero to a hundred. Right, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Like, especially, there's a lot of feelings connected yeah.
Speaker 1:So you've not been doing it. Now, when I give my opinion, it's like 10 out of 10. Yeah and every, and so it can get too big. Most people don't receive it that big, but for you it's going to feel like 10. Yes.
Speaker 2:Well, and that's we're doing, even some prep work. You know, and again, I know this may feel like, oh, that's more energy than I have for this. Is this even worth it?
Speaker 2:But jotting down what you want to say, um, or you know, even giving yourself a timeout especially, don't put a five on the spot and ask them to give their response so it may be you leave a situation, a meeting or a conversation and then you're having these regrets of like oh, I wish I would have said this and this and this, being able to jot that down, even practice it and even go back to that person or the team that you're a part of, and to be able to say, as I've thought about this, here's some things I would like to share where I'm coming from. I needed some time to think about it.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:And, for those of us in relationship with a nine, being open to that of just giving extra time for processing. But it may sound silly to say to practice it, but that does help our brain and our heart to work together, Because when we start to talk then those feelings come up. Our voice may be a little shaky or we may be more angry or whatever that might be, but it just helps us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think one of the differences with a nine and a five cause they can seem similar in that where they both need time, but the five is probably taking the time to research and get it right and dig into the facts. The nine is trying to figure out how to communicate it. Yes, they already know, right like I already know if you.
Speaker 1:If we're talking about something, I already have an opinion yes, probably, and I already have maybe even an answer, but I don't know how to get that out, necessarily in the most helpful way, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, very true, something like that, yeah that's a great uh distinction there between the two. Yeah, for, for sure. And so using your voice, practicing your voice, and then also knowing that again we've said this before, but just making sure that we want to be peacemakers and not peacekeepers. So, again embracing conflict when needed, and then also to just recognize that we can't always avoid conflict. And so problems aren't just going to fix themselves. So we've got to do some things to work through the problems so that they don't get bigger.
Speaker 2:You know we've got to work through the feelings so they don't get bigger. And so, for nines, just that's a great self-care practice, you know, recognizing just daily what you might be feeling and experiencing so those feelings don't continue to fester. Yeah, and that will help you keep from having that straw that breaks the camel's back.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure, yeah. And then what I would say with those of us just a few things that are in relationships with a nine. Again, if a nine tells you no and is assertive, celebrate that, because that means they trust you, that means that they're willing to be assertive with you, and what we can maybe say to nines is practice your no with me.
Speaker 2:You know, I think that can be a really great strategy for nines, and then also to be able to, you know, even in our conversations with them. So this is, I think, helpful too. So we need to avoid saying to nines, don't you think we should? And instead say do you think we should?
Speaker 1:Wow, that's interesting.
Speaker 2:Yes, Because the don't you think we should?
Speaker 1:the automatic answer is going to be yes, yes, of course. Yes, I'll follow you. Yes, but if we say well, do you think we should?
Speaker 2:That creates just a subtle pause for the nine to be able to go. Hmm, because, like you said, if they have that moment to think about it, they're going to have their response and so being able to not corner them in to how we want them just to respond Then also for the nine, when they are willing to give their perspective and be assertive. We want to make sure we don't interrupt them. Okay, because interruptions to a nine feel very much like they're being devalued, that their opinion is being run over.
Speaker 2:And so that feels like conflict for the nine. So it's like, okay, I'm done, I'm done talking.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, I can see that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we also want to be careful not to take advantage of a nine's generous spirit. So, like a, two nines are very generous and so we need to be cautious not to just go to them because we know they'll say yes but, to have those boundaries.
Speaker 2:And again, that's where we could say, hey, I want to throw this out here, but also definitely practice your no, like, tell me no if this isn't going to work for us. And then also, the last thing I would say is for them, if you notice some passive aggressiveness, so that may be an indicator, a blind spot to a nine where those feelings have maybe been stuffed down and so you're starting to just see, okay, they're not their normal peaceful self. They've maybe had an edge Of just even being able to communicate that, not in a judgmental kind of way, but just like hey, I'm just kind of noticing, are you having some feelings about that? Because they honestly may not even know, because they've gotten so good at pushing those feelings down. But just being able to notice them, I think also is very life-giving to them, because they feel valued Again, they feel seen, they feel known and just create a space not to put them on the spot, I mean, unless it's like me talking with you about.
Speaker 1:well, tell me what you're feeling you know, but just do it on you know, on the podcast. Right, right, just do it publicly.
Speaker 2:Yes, just put it all out there, but to be able to say, you know, it just seems like you might be having some feelings about this and I would love to be a sounding board for you, if you would find that helpful. Right, and then put the ball in their court, because we don't want to pressure dynamic where it's like, well, okay, the nine feels like, well, I have to make peace. Like, let's say, if it was you and I and I said that to you and you maybe feel like, well, I've got to make peace with Kelly, so I've got to do this, no, let it be something that you feel like, okay, I'm going to take this in, I'm going to evaluate it.
Speaker 1:I'm going to do with it what I need to do. Yeah, exactly, and that's probably as well. Four or nine is as important as any other number maybe more, yeah, I definitely would say that If you're a nine and you are passive, aggressive you are I mean, I shouldn't even say if you are you are Passive, aggressive and sarcastic. Those are the two things to watch.
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are indicator lights, for sure.
Speaker 1:And if you're in the gut triad, any one one, nine or eight, you're probably doing that at some level, just because that's kind of how that anger can seep out. Um, but the nine probably um more so, with the passive aggressiveness and the sarcasm, just because it's it's just leaking out you know, instead of you being direct, you're finding ways, or you're or you're. If you're me, you're political, you're too political, you're, you're throwing the pillow then the punch then the pillow.
Speaker 1:you know you're doing that and that that's okay. I mean that's kind. I mean I'm not saying that's wrong, but don't forget to throw the punch.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's right, and yes, because I, I would. I would say, and this may sound extreme, but I would say, if the eight, nines and ones aren't daily dealing with their feelings, the eight's going to be aggressive and the nine's going to be passive, aggressive, the one's going to be passive, aggressive.
Speaker 2:And maybe aggressive for the one a little bit too. I mean, that's how strong I think anger can be, and if we haven't dealt with our anger up to this point, it's connected to all those other little morsels of anger inside. It's connected to all those other little morsels of anger inside. And again, not that that's meaning that we have to deal with every bit of anger, but I think, just if I can make one encouragement to those of us in the gut, triad is every day, whether it's journaling or just recognizing what is one area that I'm noticing feeling angry, and again, it could be mild anger, it could be moderate, it could be intense, but just where am I noticing those feelings of anger?
Speaker 2:And I think, if we did that, I think we'd feel a lot more peace. I think for the eight there wouldn't be this coming across too harshly, For the one wouldn't be coming across as a micromanager, and I think it would give us all then internally a lot more peace too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good, I think, the nine being able to take on the characteristics of all the other numbers, as we've kind of said, said um, and being able to have empathy for all the other numbers. The wings of a nine can affect the nine more.
Speaker 1:I kind of want to say that I don't know if that's true, but because you can, you can understand every number. Well, the ones closest to you, you can really, so you can really really relate to. So I can go to the eight, so easy. I can go to the one, so, and I just like go back and forth between nine wing eight, nine wing one, you know, depending on my perfection goes up, my aggressiveness goes up, or that's the eight, and so just something to keep in mind too, I think that's why it's hard for me to say well, what number am I?
Speaker 1:Well, I can obviously relate to all the numbers, but I can really relate to the ones in the gut triad.
Speaker 2:Yes, because it's like the nine can dip their toe in all the other numbers when needed, which is very helpful and, I think, makes them just such a gift in so many different ways. But because their neighbors with the eight and the one are so close, it's like you don't dip your toe in, like it's your legs already in it, right, right.
Speaker 1:Right, I would say and then when in relationships or just just so you know, you know if you're in a relationship with a nine when they're healthiest, they're moving toward the three. I really think that's true, and so you're going to see action, you're going to see a lot of action. When they're not healthy, they're going to go to the negative side of the six.
Speaker 2:That's what I think and which means they're going to operate kind of. They might even shut down and maybe live in fear.
Speaker 1:So just keep that in mind.
Speaker 2:Well, and fear is kind of internal conflict, and so for a nine, if they're going to that unhealthy side of the six, it's going to be mentally, emotionally exhausting, and so that's, I think, when checking out and or having to do something different, you know, letting that be an indicator for a boundary. Yeah, yeah Well.
Speaker 1:I'll give you a bunch of we've talked about these, but I'll give you five things that nine should do, okay, great. Prioritize your own needs, you said that already. I think that's important to stop and just ask what? What do I need? I need Embrace conflict, so it's okay to be uncomfortable. It's okay to fight a little bit. You're fighting is not anyone else's fighting.
Speaker 2:So keep that in mind. Well, and there is constructive conflict. So learning, what does that look like to have constructive conflict? We're mostly aware of destructive, but there can be constructive conflict, yes, very good, I would say we already talked about being more assertive.
Speaker 1:That's really good. So it's really just an awareness to be more assertive and then doing it. You almost have to be aware of it first before you can be, I would say, doing new things, new experiences.
Speaker 1:Try to do new experiences because you are very comfortable as a nine doing the same thing every day and doing small things. To be honest, you know, I often say well, I'm on my, I'm on the couch, I'm watching TV. That's not far from the truth. I mean sometimes when I'm unhealthy, especially because I don't need anything else. I really don't like.
Speaker 1:Give me a TV, give me a couch, give me a refrigerator and give me a toilet. I think I'm good. You know right, we say that. But so, um, I don't know how true or false that is, but I will say that new experiences will help with that, it balances that. Yeah, and then probably the most important thing for me anyway, as a nine, is to be physically active to be physically active as much as possible.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because that runs counter to everything that we just talked about. So if you're physically active. There's going to be some assertiveness that comes with that, and if you're physically active, your own needs are being met. Yes, if you're physically active, maybe you're doing something new, maybe you're walking somewhere new or hiking somewhere new. Um, I think that it um. Now I don't know how it helps with conflict, but it does work out.
Speaker 2:Um any anger, any emotion you know physical fitness helps with all of raises our serotonin level, yeah, all that stuff.
Speaker 1:So those are the five things I would say.
Speaker 2:I love that. Well, I think even physical fitness gives us energy. And so you know, and that can be, I think, a great practice for nines at the start of the day, you know, because I'm sure you can tell a difference on the days that you get up and walk or exercise. Like your day is just more productive.
Speaker 1:Yes, getting outside really important, and so you really. But again, it's easy to say, hard to do Right, as with everything, yeah.
Speaker 2:And you know this is where having accountability you know, so you know, for the nines being able to either have a friend that they're exercising with, maybe an eight or a three friend you know, or a one, or just you know having somebody that you know. Okay, I'm going because someone else is going to. Yeah, it can be helpful, but, yes, all of those I think are so important for the nines to know. It's gonna help them as an individual and then also spills out into helping them in relationship too, so this is gonna be a fun month.
Speaker 2:We'll have a great interview next week. I'm super excited about that.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:And yeah, and then we'll, of course, talk about our relationship with God as nine. So so you can share your whole vulnerability about your relationship.
Speaker 1:I'll be thinking about it deeply on the day that we do it. No, I'm going to have some inertia and some initiative and maybe think about that. But yeah, but Kelly, this has been fun, and and, and. Uh, maybe I am a nine, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Well, hopefully by the end of this month. We'll know for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I almost took a test today.
Speaker 2:Although all of our listeners are like Damon, you're a nine, stop it.
Speaker 1:I'm sick of that. I get it. I know you are. Do you want to close?
Speaker 2:Okay, thank you everyone for joining us on Enneagram youth. Thank you, damon, and we'll look forward to seeing you next time. Bye, damon, bye Kelly.