Have you ever thought to yourself, “Something must be wrong with me?” Everyone else seems to have their life figured out. They know how to balance work and marriage and kids and prayer and exercise, and I’m over here like a dumpster fire on rollerblades just trying not to light everyone else on fire!
If so, you are in good company! Being swamped, stretched too thin, and questioning your life choices is something I think most women can relate to. I know I can… But the truth is, there isn’t anything wrong with you. Just because that system, that planner, that diet, or that parenting method worked for "everyone" else and it didn’t solve all of your problems, doesn’t make you a failure.
In this episode I am joined by Amber Curtis. Amber is the founder of Solutions for Simplicity. She helps overwhelmed women maximize their time and energy for who and what they love. So they can do more, stress less, and be happier. Amber is a professor, productivity coach, and devoted mom of four.
Listen in as we talk about time - priorities - and energy… Most importantly, Amber and I are going to break down why that new system you were so excited to implement at your house for summer may not be working out at the moment. Newsflash... it isn't you!
DON'T MISS OUT ON THESE FREEBIES
Meet Amber
Connect With Kylie
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Something must be wrong with me?” Everyone else seems to have their life figured out. They know how to balance work and marriage and kids and prayer and exercise, and I’m over here like a dumpster fire on rollerblades just trying not to light everyone else on fire!
If so, you are in good company! Being swamped, stretched too thin, and questioning your life choices is something I think most women can relate to. I know I can… But the truth is, there isn’t anything wrong with you. Just because that system, that planner, that diet, or that parenting method worked for "everyone" else and it didn’t solve all of your problems, doesn’t make you a failure.
In this episode I am joined by Amber Curtis. Amber is the founder of Solutions for Simplicity. She helps overwhelmed women maximize their time and energy for who and what they love. So they can do more, stress less, and be happier. Amber is a professor, productivity coach, and devoted mom of four.
Listen in as we talk about time - priorities - and energy… Most importantly, Amber and I are going to break down why that new system you were so excited to implement at your house for summer may not be working out at the moment. Newsflash... it isn't you!
DON'T MISS OUT ON THESE FREEBIES
Meet Amber
Connect With Kylie
Have you ever thought to yourself, something must be wrong with me. Everyone else seems to have their life figured out. You know how to balance, work and marriage and kids and prayer and exercise. And I'm over here, like a dumpster fire on rollerblades. Just try not to light everyone else on fire around me. If so you're in good company being swamped, stretched too thin and questioning your life choices on the daily is something I think most women can relate to. I know I can. But the truth is there isn't anything wrong with you? Just because that system, that planner or that parenting method worked for someone else and it didn't solve all of your problems, it doesn't make you a failure. And this episode, we're going to talk about time priorities and energy. But most importantly, we're going to talk about. Y that new system that you were so excited to implement at your house for the summer. May not be working out at the moment and it's not actually a result of your effort.
Or your ability. Hello, beautiful souls, and welcome to the Persistence in Prayer podcast hosted by Catholic Mindset coach, wife, mother, educator, and speaker, Kylie Hine. Kylie is passionate about helping you deepen your relationship with God through the power of prayer. This podcast is a space for high achievers who want to do it all, but also want to prioritize their spiritual life and grow in faith.
Join us as we explore the beauty of persistence in prayer and the transformative impact it can have on our lives. Get ready to discover practical tips, insights, and inspiration to help you develop a daily prayer practice and cultivate a deeper sense of trust in God's plan for your life. Let's journey together towards a more fulfilled and faithful life as we invite the Holy Spirit in.
Let's begin.
Hello everyone and welcome back this week. I am joined by Amber Curtis. Amber is the founder of Solutions for Simplicity. She helps overwhelmed women maximize their time and energy for who and what they love. So they can do more, stress less, and be happier. Amber is a professor, productivity coach, and devoted mom of four.
Amber knows all too well how challenging it is to juggle life's many demands and opportunities. She shares an array of science backed resources for living a more peaceful, purposeful, and productive life. Amber, I'm so happy to have you here to talk about time management, how to make time for the things that we love, and always feel like get put on the back burner.
So thank you for being here. Amber. It is such an honor. Thank you, Kylie. I am just always in awe of what you do and how much we have in common. And I can't wait for this conversation. Yeah, so Solutions for Simplicity, from my understanding, was founded because you yourself were struggling with some serious complications in your life.
And all of the productivity experts were failing you. Can you tell us a little bit about that journey? Kylie. It still feels so raw and recent, even though it started about 10 11 years ago and has been significantly better in recent years. But, long story short, I was your classic type A perfectionist, high achiever, And was always praised for what I did and how well I did it.
God really opened lots of wonderful doors and I was gifted with a position as a tenure track professor. And within a few months, my husband and I moved across the country. had our first son, and I started teaching two weeks after he was born, without at all realizing that that was a pretty sure recipe for disaster.
And so within a few months of that, I ended up just in a really dark, hopeless place and it was all because I didn't know how to keep up with the demands on my plate and especially I just didn't know how to perform at the level I was used to performing at in the midst of the postpartum journey and after becoming a mother and my heart being fully replaced with a desire to be with my son and be the best wife and mom I could be and I just felt the use competing polls on my time and I wore myself out trying to be the best in every domain when, uh, you know, it just, things needed to change.
And so thankfully I got help and things started to improve, but I ended up having three kids in four years and then four kids in seven years. And so it just was a constant barrage of never ending tasks, so many requests and opportunities coming at me, trying to navigate kids needs, the house would feel like a disaster, and my life felt so chaotic that I wanted a solution.
I wanted something simple, and I wanted a way that I could quote unquote balance it all. So I was looking for those answers, and I wasn't finding anyone. that seemed to understand my situation as a mother. And so much of our standard productivity advice gives us tips and tools that work great, perhaps if you are single or you're young, or you don't have these other, you know, wonderful responsibilities and a primary vocation in the home.
And so, again, yes, I just want to now be a resource of offering actionable, proven ways that we can improve our lives and feel better about it all and get what we need to done, but without the stress and in a way that is calm and peaceful and simple. Yes, I think so many women can relate to your story. I don't know if you've heard this before, but I've heard women say I was so much holier before I had children, and it's not true, but it's just this thought that pops in, like, I used to pray, or I used to go to Mass a couple times a week, and now I can't, and like you, I can remember trying to find some sort of self care routine after my children were born, and The big thing at the time was like the 5 a.
m. club, right? You get up at 5 a. m., you're part of the 5 a. m. club, you have all of these routines in the morning of goal setting, and I just remember thinking in my head, you just don't get it, and it would make me angry. You just don't get it. These people are clearly not mothers, or they have some kind of help that I do not have.
Yes, and I too. You know, I, I felt the anger for sure, but what I felt more than anything was alone. And it really gave me the perception that something was wrong with me. That I was the one who couldn't figure it out because everyone else seemed to have it all figured out. Um, you know, solved and I was still struggling so much.
And so I really hope to normalize the struggle, not to keep us stuck there, but to give women hope that there are different seasons of life. And the more we lean into the season that we are in and embrace God's calling for us. He gives us all the grace and all of the things we need to do what he's asking us in those moments.
We are then sometimes our own biggest obstacle because, you know, becoming a mother and just trying to persist in your, your different endeavors, it really shows you where you have too much reliance on yourself and you're trying to control everything. And I sure had that illusion of control before I had kids.
And then it became glaringly obvious afterwards that my time was not my own. It never was, but I used to think that it was. Yeah, I love normalizing the struggle because often we can be falling apart in our own homes, but we walk out the front door and we put on this face that everything is fine. And I remember bringing this up to a priest once because I was not fine.
I was going through some health struggles. I was trying to balance everything. And I said, what do I do? I said, I feel like I am lying to people's faces when they ask me how I'm doing, but I don't want to go into all of the vulnerable places and their acquaintances. They aren't people I want to share that story with, or I feel ready to share that story with.
So you just put on this face of I'm great or I'm okay. Like it's the instinctive response of everything's great when really it's not. And so I appreciate you just. Saying, normalize the struggle and letting other people who are listening understand that there is going to be a struggle at some point in your life.
It may not be right after having children. Maybe you don't have children, or maybe you're past that stage, but the struggles come. And so let's just normalize. We have struggles. We know from Saint Ignatius of Loyola, consolation, desolation, it goes, it repeats over and over. So how do we kind of let go of this self reliance and control?
Full disclosure, of course it's an ongoing journey. I am nowhere near fully through it, nor will I ever be. But the more we learn about ourselves and the more light we have shown on our inward tendencies and deep desires, the more curious we can get about where that comes from and What we think we need to do really true, or are we filled with some of these false beliefs that are keeping us stuck in that negative cycle and chasing the world's version of success, etc.
And I think. Some of the greatest things that have helped me started as looking for the very tangible solutions for gaining more control over my time, and I really started solutions for simplicity from the perspective of wanting to help us all manage our time better, because I do. Acknowledge what a gift time is.
It's, it's just so precious, but as I've been in this journey of my business for the last five years, and I've worked with so many other women and I've been growing myself, I actually feel like I kind of misled people early on by subscribing to that same dominant philosophy that time can be managed and I realized instead that while we want to be intentional with our time.
It's all about time appreciation, not time management, right? The pressure to use all of our time productively and always have something to show for our time, those are actually really deep rooted, issues that we might need to work through and get clear on whether we are subconsciously tying our worth to our productivity and did we likely receive messages from an early age that we needed to earn other's approval or, again, have something to show for our time in order to be good enough.
And I've just come to so much peace with the fact that my brain, and again, I see this in so many of my clients as well, but our brains literally got wired to connect Doing a good job and achieving something with being good enough. And that determined our identity and our sense of self worth. And I think part of the beauty of life is realizing that our worth is in God.
And being a daughter of Christ. And it's not up to us to earn. Our salvation and nothing we do on earth but submit to God and his will, is ever going to be good enough, right? That's not, that's nothing for us to be, taking into our own hands except to just discern his calling for us and letting go of the need for approval and the need to perform.
It's, it's really deep. Absolutely. My husband and I have had this conversation. Both of our dads, the message was the same when we were growing up. It was, if you can't find something to do, sweep the floor. So it was like sweeping the floor of the shop or sweeping the floor in the shed, whatever it was, but it was this work ethic.
They were developing a work ethic in us, which is beautiful and great. We're very hard workers, but it was this idea that there's not time to sit down. If you can't find something to do, if I haven't given you something to do, you look for the next. thing that needs done. And if you can't figure anything out, sweep the floor.
And so it's great from the aspect of we are now very hard workers, but sometimes I will still catch myself. Feeling like I can't sit down or I can't let someone catch me sitting down. And this was the same in teacher world. You were told if you're sitting at your desk, you're not being a good teacher.
You should be up. You should be moving around. So I, I would be checking my email or responding to something. that was pertinent, that was time sensitive, and if another teacher walked in my room, I could feel my body tense up, like I was doing something wrong. And it's just this idea, this belief, that we start to develop over the years, that that worth is, again, tied to our productivity, or in this case, for me, it was tied to me not sitting.
And yeah, conversely, that we have to earn the right to rest. It's so vicious. Yeah. So, when women think that they have a time problem, it can often, it sounds like, be a worth problem. We don't recognize that, It's not about managing time, but more managing ourselves, maybe managing our expectations of ourselves, managing our expectations of what we are capable of doing in a day, what is realistic of getting done in a day, realistic for any human, not just ourselves, and not falling into this cycle of self reliance.
Are there any takeaways that you do have for getting the most out of our time? Absolutely. Absolutely. It's so true that we don't need more time. We need to use the time that we have effectively. And again, that's not adding to the pressure of you've got to squeeze the most you can out of all 168 hours of the week, which I used to subscribe to.
It's instead about really knowing your priorities and being so sure that you are doing the right thing at the right time. Given everything you have to do and everything that you could do, right? We want to find that balance of meeting your expectations and obligations. And yet also following the call on your heart and filling your own cup with your own goals and hobbies and desires.
And I love to work with women on prioritization strategies. Because, at a very tactful level, right, we hopefully keep a to do list so that all of those tasks are at least out of our head, down on paper, and we can free up some cognitive brainpower for what we're trying to do. But even when we write our tasks down, Everything looks equally important on paper, and you have a sense of what is due most quickly, or what is going to take the longest, or what would be most fun to complete, but our brain still subconsciously looks at the number of things we have written down, and goes into chaos mode.
And so, I work with women, I have a free resource called my Pinpoint Your Priorities Playbook that helps women Go through each individual task, quickly, and ask a series of questions. For each task, A, does this have to get done right now? Like, does this have to get done at all? And, it's really hard to acknowledge that maybe some things really don't have a place in our life.
Maybe we wanted to do them or said yes for reasons, Uh, that, that no longer apply. And so maybe we can just drop that task altogether. Instant way to free up more time. The next question is, does this absolutely have to get done right now? And no, right? If it has to get done, but it doesn't have to get done this moment, let's defer it and come back to it six weeks, six months down the road, whenever.
You feel like you have a little more time for it. Obviously, if something is really important and urgent, then we want to take that into consideration. But for the most part, there are lots of things on our to do lists that we can defer at least a week, if not more, down the road. Third question is, does this absolutely have to get done by me?
And this is where so many women, myself included, really struggle because we hate to delegate. We are afraid of burdening other people. We don't want others to perhaps know that we can't handle it all. And if we're honest, so many of us just don't think others will get the task done to our standard. And so it's, it's so uncomfortable to ask for help or even accept help when it's offered.
But oftentimes, giving a task to someone else is really the right solution. And the more that we practice this and build the muscle of delegation, Oh, it, it really does lift that weight off your shoulders. The fourth question to ask is for the remaining items, does this absolutely have to get done to the very best of my ability?
So many of us tend to give 200 percent to whatever we're doing. We wrestle with perfectionism because, again, we have this latent belief that we have to earn approval and self worth. And the reality is that 90 percent of the tasks we have to do just need to get done. Good is good enough. And so we want to find a way of dumbing down the task to the point that we can give it a B minus kind of effort and be done and then hurry up and move on to the much more important things.
And so this is the category that has really made a huge difference for me. And it's hard to set the limits, give ourselves a certain amount of time we can afford to spend on that task and then cut the cord and be done. But it really is magical because you start to realize how unimportant a lot of things are, right?
That they just do need to get done, they don't have to be done perfectly. And then finally, when you ask those four questions, you should be left with a fifth category of tasks that really do need to be done well, and that's where we want to start. That's where we want to then see what is due first and most quickly, so that we are Still meeting the needs of the urgent fires.
We've got to put out but we are really making time for the important things that might not have a deadline or again the things that maybe we have been dreading and avoiding and we just need to go ahead and do them and do them well and be able to free our our lives of having that weigh us down anymore.
So that's my big prioritization method, my framework that has really helped me and Again, it's just so helpful to know your priorities and work to always align your time with your priorities so that you're not caught up in thinking you've got to do it all, you've got to do it all perfectly, and that, , there's no end in sight.
Your brain needs to know that there is a way to get through that to do list. Yeah, absolutely. I want to go back to delegating. Delegating I think is something that is so challenging for many of us, and I'm thinking even at home with children. Okay, I know I could delegate this task, but the thought that pops into many of our minds is, it's going to take me longer to teach them how to do it than if I just do it myself.
What do you tell your clients when that comes up? Well, first of all, I had this exact thought last night. It's summer, so I have my three older boys in daily swim lessons, and I pick them up from summer camp, and we've got a couple hours before we have to get to swim lessons, and so I'm like, oh, I want them to help with dinner and set the table, and I want us to do our chores and unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry and all that stuff before we go to swim lessons.
But They come home, they just want to play, and it gives me a few minutes of peace and quiet where I could quickly make dinner and do the chores and it is that constant battle of, I could just do this myself and almost enjoy it so much more, or I can anticipate the battles and the resistance, but work with my kids to help build their skill and their virtue of responsibility.
And just embrace the fact that it's not going to be done as fast or probably anywhere near as well as if you did it yourself. But we want to change the goal. We want to change the end that we're working towards, right? And so instead of the goal just being having that task done, we want to look at, again, what we're teaching our children.
Through inviting and requiring in many instances that they do participate, right? What are we teaching them? Not just the skills that they will take into their own homes and families, but we're giving them the opportunity to feel proud , and have integrity knowing that they are helping the whole family.
They're serving their brothers and sisters and their parents and we're just all pitching in together And then of course, how can we make it more fun? How can we make it a game? How can we? Um, you know i've gone back and forth between reward systems and chore charts and all those things But at the end of the day I've landed on just wanting to make the process as enjoyable as possible, not dangle a carrot in front of my kids that if you do this, then you get screen time, or then you get, you know, we don't do allowance, for instance, in my house.
I think allowance is great. I got it as a child, but you know, just as an example. I have certainly tried punishments and that doesn't feel good to my heart, right? To threaten my kids and things like that. So I, I just know that some days are going to go better than others. And I have really noticed that my kids want to , help more and they are.
quicker at doing what they know they need to do when their physiological needs have been met, ? So as long as they're not super tired and they're not starving, and it's really helpful to try and anticipate your kids needs and in advance and meet those needs before we ask for help. And then I find that they're much more likely to get engaged and enjoy the process.
But it's it's an ongoing battle for sure and the thing that really gets me is My oldest son is almost 11. My youngest is 2, almost 3. And so my oldest, right, we've done the same things over and over and over. And my brain wants to think that he should just know not only that it needs to be done, but how to do it by now, right?
And, the thought also comes in that when I was a kid, I was sure doing so much more and I always did a really good job or whatever. Like our brains love to play the comparison game and elevate our sense of accomplishment or prestige. And just, I did better when I, you know, just so many vicious things.
And the reality is just our kids are kids. Their brains are wired to have fun. And that doesn't mean that they can't do an incredible job helping, but I just need to expect again, the resistance, expect that they're going to need reminded, expect that, it's not going to be perfect and, and we can work with that, right?
We're always just working to improve a little bit at a time. Yeah, and I think our brains do the same thing our kids do. We've just learned that it's coming and how to adapt and move forward from it. You talked about creating a to do list. I had a challenge the other day, or just someone posed a question about what you're doing in your business.
And focus this week on what you want to do in your business for the next six weeks. And I just started writing down things that felt like immediately needed done. And I had a list of 14 things, which is a lot, right? They usually tell you, maybe try three a day. And I had 14 that felt like they needed done right away.
So I love the questions that you provided. And then also just anticipate things are going to come up. Your kids are going to interrupt you. You're going to have nights where you don't get enough sleep. But reframe the goal. And you said anticipate, that doesn't mean worry, or be anxious, or freak out, or let your mind go on a rant about how you're never going to get it all done, just anticipate that, you know what, not all of this might get done, and that's okay.
Or maybe it gets done, but it's B minus work, and it's okay. Because our harshest critics are definitely ourselves. It's so true, and I think just really Being aware of the thoughts we're having in our brains and what we are making those thoughts mean because every thought evokes a feeling that then perpetuates the actions we are or are not taking and it can keep us stuck in such a vicious cycle and again the more awareness we have to recognize our thoughts and change them as we see a certain thought not helping, right?
It's, it's really empowering and what a gift from God to be able to use our minds to feel better about whatever we're going through. Yeah. So you have this method. If we have methods or structures or routines, how do we implement those while still leaving some flexibility for our current season of life?
That is the question, right? Because life doesn't stop and many of us have had lots of big, hard, unexpected things come our way. Then there are always the inconveniences of bad weather or kids school closing or someone being sick, right? There's a whole spectrum of unexpected challenges that arise. And The elusive attempt is to, um, you know, just, again, expect that to the extent that we can.
And we make our plans, but we try and leave a good amount of blank space in them so that we're not overplanning and we don't have unrealistic expectations. I mean, this is impossible to, to do perfectly, right? There's the natural planning fallacy where all of us humans inevitably think we can do more than we can and in less time than it actually takes.
So, it's just a refinement process of making your plan and having your routine and then trying to leave. a cushion in there so that you are doing the most important things first, but you have some empty space as a backup in case things come up and you need to change the day that you're planning to do something or best case scenario, right?
You get to that day and you don't have anything specific planned or weighing on you, and then you can work ahead. I haven't ever gotten to that point in many, many years, but I think just Our brains want consistency and structure. We love having a rhythm. We just need to let go of the rigidity, thinking that every single day is going to go exactly like the routine we wrote on paper.
One thing I like to do is have two or three different versions of a routine, so literally the plan A, plan B, plan C, so that Depending on how the week is going, I can adjust as necessary, but I know in advance that I already have that backup plan and You know, our brains cannot problem solve in a place of stress.
So if we wait until the wheat gets thrown off, for instance, yesterday, our oven broke and I couldn't make what I wanted to make for dinner. And of course, I start stressing about how much it's going to cost to repair. And I need to go online and or go to the stores and research what the best new oven to replace this is.
And I'm thinking about how much time and money and everything it's going to take and the inconvenience of now what do we do for dinner and still get to swim lessons on time. So this is what our brains do. They just, they love to feed us a worst case scenarios and unhelpful thoughts. And it just was really helpful to know that, I don't need to freak out about this.
Right now, I have time allotted later in the week where there aren't as, there isn't as much planned. And so that's when I can do the research and figure out what new stove oven to get. As well as the fact that I have these backup plans that I already designed so that, again, I'm not trying to immediately problem solve in the heat of the moment when I don't have access to my most rational brain.
Oh, absolutely. Yes, I love that. As you were talking about the stove situation, we only go to movies maybe once a year, but , it was our family's staycation this week, and so we were doing all the things locally with our kids, and we went and watched the movie Inside Out 2. If you haven't seen it, Anxiety takes over and freaks out and has all of these worst case scenarios and then worst worst case scenarios and brings them all to the forefront of your brain.
And so we really just have to take a breath and just say, okay, anxiety, walk away for a minute. Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but this is not a life or death situation. I don't need those thoughts right now. And we get to choose whether we keep those or not. And. I loved what you said about just recognizing that we think we can get way more done in a shorter amount of time than it actually takes us.
This is something I have struggled with my whole life, and I have a wonderful friend who's an ADHD parent coach, and she told me, she's my accountability partner, and she had told me, why don't you try when you You know, map out your to do list and you write down how long things are going to take you. Add an hour to everything.
And it seems like such a massive amount of time. And maybe for you, it's 15 minutes. Maybe you need to add two hours to everything. But just recognize, if you get done earlier, rest is productive. And just keep that in your brain. Rest is productive. Yes. Also, when things get kind of crazy, another strategy, and this is from Sterling Jacobs, she talks about having post its with 15 minute tasks.
So in your day, maybe you planned to do something that was going to take an hour, things went off track, you only have 15 minutes, what can I get done in 15 minutes that is still going to maybe give me that dopamine hit of crossing something off of my list so that I can still feel like I got something done?
Hey beautiful soul, this is Kylie. Do you feel like you've lost yourself in the hustle and bustle of doing all of the things? Do you have plans but can't seem to follow through on any of them because life keeps getting in the way? Are you feeling overwhelmed by a health struggle, a difficult relationship, or even your own expectations?
I have spots in July for one to one coaching. You can join me for a single month journey or 12 weeks of essential growth in prayer, relationships, and don't worry, even in your high achievement category. Click the link in the show notes to get signed up for a free confidence and clarity call to see if we're a good fit and to ensure you're getting my best summer deals.
I'll see you soon, friend.
I do the same thing and one other thing I always do is when I'm writing a task on my to do list, I always write down the amount of time I think it's going to take so that I can double it or triple it when I plan it in and give myself that buffer, as well as I always try and batch together certain tasks and that is a very common strategy, but it really does do wonders to group similar tasks together so that your brain can, , know in advance that this is when we do certain kinds of tasks.
I also give everything a deadline even if it doesn't have one because so often things can sit on our to do list for so long and that weighs on us and uses up some brain power. And then I'm a big fan of procrastinating on purpose where you Give something a deadline or it already has one, you know, a rough idea of how long it should take, you double that, so you've got hopefully more than enough time to complete that thing, and then I Block out that time in my schedule right ahead of the deadline.
So if it's a three hour task, I give it six hours and I mark off six hours before the task is due. And then I literally put it out of sight, out of mind until that time comes so that I'm not tempted to take longer on that thing than it needs to. And I really am focused on what is more important in the moment.
And then, again, try and give yourself maybe a soft deadline ahead of the firm one so that you're not caught in that situation where something unexpected does come up and you miss the deadline. I've been there. That's not fun either. Yeah, I love to procrastinate on purpose. I have started doing this with some smaller tasks and it's so helpful because things that maybe would have taken me an hour, I really can get done in 15 minutes and it doesn't need to be so structured.
That's so helpful. And because we're doing it on purpose, we don't have to beat ourselves up that we just didn't get to it or didn't get it done. It's that intention of, no, I'm gonna hold off on this because I know in my heart I can get it done this quickly, and that's all the time it really needs. Mm hmm.
One final thing that goes a little bit deeper, but that I love working with women on because I just see this come up over and over again. Women come to me because I, I am, I love helping them develop systems and routines and ways of still getting a lot done faster and more efficiently. But they want, they want the, the way to, make a good chore chart or a good routine or have the house all organized and they, we all think that if we just have the right system in place, then the problem will be solved.
And what I've sure learned the hard way, and I love working with women on is realizing a, that, you know, , this is just, always going to be a bit of a challenge and that's not wrong. There's nothing wrong with you that your house keeps getting dirty. There's nothing wrong with your kids that they don't want to do their chores, right?
These are, we just need to really reconcile our expectations of what things should be. And then we get so deep into curious, getting curious with where our ideas and beliefs about how things should be come from, right? And so often we're either comparing ourselves to others and we think things should be the way that we see someone else living or we are more deviously comparing ourselves to our past selves and thinking that we should be able to have things be and look the way they did say before kids or at a different season of life.
And then the one I sure wrestle with is just thinking that things should be the way that I've idealized them. We all built up this idea in our heads of what our life would look like when we got older or when we had kids. And I don't know anyone who is living out the reality of what they fully thought and dreamed, right?
Yeah, we, we, we've got our beautiful lives, but the day to day. Looks and feels different than we expected. And we need to recognize that that dissonance between our expectations and reality is psychologically uncomfortable. And so there's just this underlying tension and disappointment. and sometimes even guilt or shame that we take on when our lives don't look the way that we think they should.
And we've got to get curious about where we developed a certain set of beliefs about how things should be, and then really question, is that true? And take back our power to decide what the right way is for us, right? Do we need to make sure the dishes are in the dishwasher every single night and the sink is empty before bed.
Do the clothes definitely have to get folded and folded a certain way before they're put away? Do the kids absolutely have to Wake up or go to bed at a certain time. I mean, like, again, we all want them to, but there are going to be days where they don't, or there's just so many examples of ways that we find ourselves triggered in the moment where things are not going the way we want it or expected.
And we don't realize that we're compounding the problem and making it feel so much worse because we're not questioning where those expectations came from and deciding to embrace. It's the reality that things are going to go the way we want some of the time, but also not go that way a good chunk of the time.
And that's all okay. It doesn't mean anything about us and our self worth and our goodness as a mother. The goodness of our home all of those big things. Yeah, I love this because Like you said I think sometimes we can start searching for the perfect system or even the perfect planner It's like if I can just get the right system in place I just have the right planner that has all of the things that I want in it Then my life is gonna be organized and it's not gonna have any chaos in it But I love what you're saying here systems are great But if a system does not work on a particular day, or even for a season, it's not a failure on your part, and it might not be a failure that that system doesn't work.
Maybe it's not the right system for you, but maybe it's just, you just have to reset, just like we do in our prayer routines when we get off track for a week and we're not getting up and we're praying, or we miss mass because everyone in the family was throwing up. You just start again. You do, and the hardest thing is reconciling that what got us here isn't going to get us there, right?
That the precise things we used to be able to do and to perform at a certain level that got us all the praise and helped us be wherever we are, that's not what serves us. In our current season of life anymore, and that doesn't mean we won't get back to perhaps that place of high performance or whatever, but Yeah, we just we have to be okay with always learning and growing and adapting and knowing that God's gonna give us what we need in this moment.
We don't have to strive so hard and hold on to what we used to have Because we'll drive ourselves crazy. I've been there. Just like you said, I will share this morning. I had adoration very early and. There were a lot of opportunities that came my way this week that, like, man, I really want to do this, but I know this is going to take more time, and there's already so many things on my plate.
And so I just took it to the Lord, and I, I prayed for the Blessed Mother to just shut out anything that was not from God, and it was like, before I even finished asking the question, I just went through the list of all the things, Lord, do you want me to do this? And then before I could even finish the thing, it was very clear yes or no.
And I had a list. These are all nos. These are not yets. These are yeses. And he would give that to us when we are, number one, practicing having conversations with him, or actually having conversations with him so we know what his voice sounds like. For some of us, he speaks to us in images. For some of us, it's words.
You know, it's different for different people. But one, if you're having those conversations, you're going to know, and number two, coming into prayer in a place of peace, right, if you're coming in, you're restless, don't just start spouting out questions and expecting answers, because your brain is probably still going a million miles an hour, and you're going to be hearing yourself, not God.
So just rest with him for a little bit. Again, it's that rest is productive. And when you're in a place of calm, ask those questions and he's going to give you those yes or no answers. Isn't it amazing how we so often are convinced that we can figure this out and we just need to work harder or do more research, find the solution ourselves.
And instead, again, that just feeds our. Um, our, our false pride and this illusion of control when the real solution is just to turn to him and like you said, ask for direction and discern what the right thing is in this moment. That's all we need. Yes, and sometimes he will tell you no to doing good things.
He will tell you no because it is not the thing that he wants you to do in this moment. The best thing for your soul, your personal soul, may not be what looks the best on paper. I so needed to hear that today. I needed that reminder. I heard somewhere that not all good things are God things. And that's definitely, something I always need to remind myself because I have this tendency to want to do more and more and more, right, to get swept up in the hustle culture.
And even though I know so much about ways to simplify our life and clarify our priorities and slow down and the importance of rest and everything, I am very aware that my brain has been wired to need the approval and the validation and the accomplishment and all of those things. And so it is a moment by moment challenge to Step back, take it to God, and be willing to let go of the things that He's not asking us to do, even if we wanted to do them.
Maybe just not right now. Yeah. So, I needed that. If you haven't read, for anyone listening, if you haven't read the book, Finding Peace in the Storm, by Dan Burke, this is actually, I was reading this last night, in this particular chapter, Jumped out at me because of my own health struggles and some of the clients that I'm working with who are just have, you know, chronic illnesses or things that
they don't have solutions to at the moment, and it can feel very emotionally heavy not having answers. And St. Alphonsus Liguori just talks about, again, the best thing for your soul may not be for the Lord to heal you right now. Maybe what He wants for you to do is to suffer patiently through this illness.
It's in your home and he's talking to priests, but it's like, he's saying, you may think that you need to go out and preach and minister and do all of these works, but the best thing for your soul right now is to just suffer patiently. And I was just, the tears were coming last night cause it hit me so hard.
Okay. This might be what the Lord wants for you right now. So it's always just about surrendering to his will. So yes, you can pray Lord. Amen. If it's your will for me to be healthy, please let me be healthy, but always going back to his will. What is the best for my soul? What is the best for the glory of God?
And that takes away all the pressure. So powerful. Can you tell us, I know you've talked about dopamine rewards. Can you explain that to us? Yeah, so my background is in psychology and neuroscience and identity. I am a political science professor but I study political psychology and identity and I've taken all of those research skills to then investigate all these scientific studies myself on how our brains work for the purposes of then knowing how to quote unquote improve our lives and find those solutions for simplicity.
And , we've all probably been aware from a young age that addiction is where you need more and more and more of a certain thing in order to feel the same level of high, the same level of good. And really all that's happening at a neurological level is that your brain releases serotonin and other, pleasure hormones like dopamine in particular, this reward hormone, when it is, uh, when it receives an exciting stimulus.
So whenever something that you perceive as good or pleasurable happens, you are experiencing this dopamine hit and you like it, and so you subconsciously want more and more and more of that thing. So we can very easily think of someone that is hooked on cigarettes, for instance. Or, you know, pick your, pick your poison, but, you start out and something gives your brain a little reward.
And so all of the sudden then, you need more and more and more of that thing in order to get the same level of high. But the reality is that each one of us has become addicted to something, if not many things, based on the dopamine that our brain produces. released from a young age in response to different stimuli.
Anytime, say you were praised for doing a good job, dopamine hit, right? And so you wanted to do more good things to get more praise and feel good about yourself. Anytime that you, , persevered through a challenge, right? And, and reach the other side that felt good. And so you might have more. strength and ability, more grit and resilience to persist through obstacles in the future.
But really dopamine is just a very natural way that your body and brain learn what it likes and then the absence of dopamine feels so uncomfortable that you want more of it and you will do whatever it takes to get it. But this can just, this can work to our advantage because then we can set up certain rewards and build new habits that create new habitual neural pathways in our brain to release dopamine for doing the new thing we want to do.
But we also just need to be aware of the existing pathways that have been connected based on where we previously got dopamine and thus are engaged in patterns of behavior that we Maybe don't like and maybe need to change and yet are Actually addicted to doing that thing because of the way it's releasing this chemical in our brain.
I hope that makes sense Yeah I think being aware The first one you said the first dopamine that I thought of from a young age was praise and that was the first one that you Mentioned so obviously that is something that comes up a lot and it's also something for us to be aware of as parents I think It's natural to praise our children, and I catch myself doing it all the time, and sometimes I think, do I need to praise them there?
Because then they start looking for the praise. They're looking to see, are you going to comment? You didn't tell me good job. What did I do wrong? And they're just assuming that if you don't say anything, that something wasn't right. And as adults, then, we do that same thing. If no one has told us that we've done a good job, we start to question if we did a good job.
The, the coolest thing I've been learning about lately makes a lot of sense when we think about it. But new studies are coming out. showing that our brains release more dopamine in anticipation of a reward than from the actual reward itself. And what this means for so many of us, , is it finally ties the pieces together.
How many times did you have a problem, seek out a solution, and buy a book, or a program, or download a freebie that you thought was going to solve that problem, and then you never actually finished reading the book, or you haven't yet started the programs that you purchased, or whatever. There's just so many examples of this.
Where our brains Get a lot of dopamine just from believing that we will solve the problem, that we have found the solution, that we did take action and buy the book or invest in the program or whatever. And then, all of a sudden, our brain realizes that it's going to take some work to get all the way to the reward.
And immediately, those psychological walls go up, and we don't want to do it, so we avoid the task, we procrastinate, and then we're trapped in a spiral of guilt that we, we haven't done this yet, right? So it just goes on and on, but the studies are so cool here, and I'm just a huge proponent of really, Trying to learn more about our brains and specifically our primal brain and these natural automatic tendencies that we all have that have cued us and habituated us to do certain things, to want certain things, and so whenever we're feeling stuck and frustrated it's really not your fault, you're not consciously making some of the choices that you are, but we've got to break that cycle and again, create new neural pathways in the direction of where you want to go.
And that's what I love to work with women on. Yeah, anticipation of the award and the award itself. I think of this as signing up for a new class. I'm so excited. Week 1, week 2 are great. And then by week 8, I'm like, ugh. And it's wonderful. It's always so, so good. But my brain getting there. It's kind of like going to the gym.
You're excited the first couple times you go to the gym. And then two weeks in, you have to force yourself out of bed to go because it's not as fun and exciting anymore. But it's that same idea of, The consistency, or I don't know if you've ever heard that saying, thinking about praying and actually praying are not the same thing.
We have to actually do it. So when our brain's not getting that dopamine hit, we've, we've signed up, we've bought the thing. How do we convince ourselves to keep going? It's all about trying to find new rewards that will keep you motivated while recognizing that motivation is absolutely going to wax and wane.
There are going to be. So many days when you don't feel like it or you don't want it and you don't want to do the work because there's always some other shiny object that's more fun and, again, feels more pleasurable since you've already gotten the bulk of the dopamine that you, you think you're going to get.
So, trying to figure out what motivates you. Are you someone that really needs the praise? Can you find, a way of getting someone to report to and check in on you so that you can hear, good job, and then you'll keep going, right? Is it about accountability in terms of someone making sure that you are taking action?
And really the camaraderie or community of doing something with someone else and then you don't feel alone and you are getting to have social connection on top of accomplishing the task that you need to do. That's a great way to motivate yourself. There are so many different ways and obviously different tendencies for different people, but just trying to figure out what has worked for you in the past and really ask yourself, what Like what would make this more fun?
What would make me want to do this? Yeah, I love that. This conversation just took me back to my spiritual direction training that I just had a couple weeks ago. And in our small groups, we were given a list of 16 rules. And some of the rules are that in your small group, you cannot respond to anyone talking.
You cannot give a head nod. You cannot give an uh huh or me too. And it really is. To not give that dopamine prompt of, Oh yeah, good job. Keep telling that story or give any sort of verbal or physical cue to the person who is sharing so that they really aren't getting feedback from us. So they really have to listen for feedback from the Holy spirit.
And it is so challenging because we are so used to getting a response from someone. And it just, it's fascinating that we are always looking for that. And then feed off of it. And so that whole process, it was very difficult for people who are having a challenging time and they're opening up and they're vulnerable and no one is saying it's okay because we really, it's just that intention of practicing of going into ourselves and listening to the Lord to tell us that it's okay instead of someone else.
And that's not to say that we shouldn't do that in general conversation or anything like that. It was just part of the practice of learning how to be a spiritual director and learning how. To listen to the Holy Spirit versus listening to the people around you. Ooh, wow. And here, the whole time you're saying this, I noticed that I'm still nodding and opening my eyes in agreement and all these things, because we're just so naturally used to responding and connecting through our responses.
So that's a challenge. That's, that's really beautiful though. I see the purpose for sure. Yeah, absolutely. You have been so incredible. Thank you for all of your wisdom. Can you tell us where we can find you before we close with our scripture verse? I would love to connect with anyone that feels called to reach out.
I am at solutionsforsimplicity. com. I'm active on Instagram at Solutions for Simplicity, and then I also have a YouTube channel, which is Solutions for Simplicity there, with over 180 videos on planning, productivity, and purposeful living. So every time I have a guest on, we always close with either a prayer tip or a scripture verse, and you provided 1 Peter chapter 4, verse 10.
There are several variations of this particular. Verse, which I was fascinated when I was looking it up. So, I'll read the one that I have, but yours may be worded differently. It says, As each one of us has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God's varied grace. That's exactly the version that I have, too.
And, I love that so much because I've always been a very ambitious, goal driven person, and I actually wasn't born and raised Catholic. My family was not very religious, and even though I did grow up going to a protestant church from time to time. I then really went through a very fierce period of independence and you know I don't need God and all these things in my teenage years and early 20s And then somehow of course God does these beautiful things in our lives and you just realize what you're missing So it's just amazing to think that I was able to come into the church back in 2006 before I got married and You So I now am always trying to put my goals and my ambition in perspective, according to, again, God's will for me.
And reconcile like , my human desires with then the gifts and talents that I do feel he has given me and that I want to make sure I'm stewarding well, because that old adage, right? To whom much is given, much is expected. And I'm working so hard in my own life to separate my self worth from my productivity and acknowledge that I can't earn.
God's grace and salvation, right? But, , also then make sure that I'm not burying and misusing my talents or my time. So I love this verse because it just kind of validates that God has given us gifts that he wants us to use. And it's my beautiful opportunity to find those and, and express them and discern how he wants me to express them.
And then. It also really ties in for me because I work with so many women that wrestle with who they are after becoming mothers because again who they used to be has kind of been taken away or Um fallen away and they have this beautiful vocation as wives and mothers They've been so caught up in exclusively serving their families that they might have forgotten what they enjoy and again, who they are apart from that vocation.
And, I just love supporting women in that and helping them know that They are, they are so seen and God has them right where they're supposed to be. But then we want to rediscover their passions and help them fill their own cup so that they have more to pour out to others. And I really. Have found lots of research to support this as well.
That women who do pursue their goals , and have things they do for themselves above and beyond serving their families, they're just the happier, more, , peace filled women. you know, we're not even talking success , by society's standards, but they just have so much more peace and they're happier, which spills over and improves their whole family's wellbeing.
And if you ask any woman, what she wants, I'm, I'm really sure that they would say, I want to love and serve everyone God puts in front of me. And it seems that to love and serve Those in front of us, we need to also, be loving ourselves and using our gifts so that we feel. A constant sense of renewal and fulfillment through the gifts of the Holy spirit that we can pour out to others.
So long winded answer, but to me, it just is all about finding our gifts, appreciating our gifts and making sure that we're making time for ourselves and our own needs and desires so that we can be even better for our families. Yeah, I think where we can get caught up sometimes in our Catholic faith is that there's a lot of conversation about love of self over love of God, and the love of self in a prideful way, the love of self of self reliance, the things that get in the way of our relationship with God.
But that's not the same as being compassionate and gentle with yourself. You know, if you need to fill your bucket by painting, it doesn't have to be a job, but by painting every once in a while, or reading a book, or going for a walk by yourself, that is not the love of self that we are talking about that gets in , the way of your relationship with God.
That is probably cultivating your relationship with God, because it may be the only time of silence that you get. Away from all the noise and if we are never away from all of the noise, we can't actually hear God So I'm so glad that you brought that up can I add one more thing? Sorry. I'm just thinking as we're talking, I think this verse really also speaks to me because of the comparison trap that we fall into and it's just so natural for our brains to look at what other people are doing and think that's the right way.
I need to do that. Right. And so as moms we can very often feel less than, and we can criticize our. Our performance and our how we're doing as moms if we don't feel like we're doing it as well as someone else And this verse really reminds us that everyone has received their own unique gifts and callings And this is between you and god, right?
So, I don't know. Absolutely. That is the part that stood out to me when I read this verse the first time, and when I just read it again, is God's varied grace. And grace is a gift. It is not something that is earned. It is a gift that He gives us, and we choose to remain in it. And so, as He gives us these graces, as He gives us these gifts, recognizing that they are varied, it is not the same gifts to every person.
It is not the same grace to every person because we are unique human beings. We don't give the same gifts to all of our children every single birthday and holiday because they're different people and they need different things. And so just recognizing that the graces that you receive look different than someone else's.
And that's because the graces that you need for you to thrive and fulfill your purpose are different than what someone else needs. So what a beautiful verse to end with. Thank you, Amber, so much. This has been a pleasure and I'm so happy to see all the work that you continue to do and you being able to incorporate the brain science as well as the faith aspect is just so beautiful.
Thank you. Thank you, Kylie. I've had a wonderful time and you're just so incredible, too. So, wow, what a great time.
Hey friends, Amber has been so incredibly generous and has left you two incredible freebies. So be sure to check those out in the show notes. The first is her seven by seven. Reset challenge. It gives you seven core actions to take for seven days. To kickstart the foundations of a happier, healthier, you. And of course the free five DS prioritization method that we talked about in this episode.
Again, you.
can get those right in the show notes, shout out to Amber for providing such value. Beautiful
souls, thank you again for journeying with me. If you have been blessed by this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review. Be sure to screenshot it, share it on your social media stories, and don't forget to tag me on Instagram or Facebook at Kylie M. Hine. Stay persistent in prayer, protect your peace, and as always, share the light of Christ with everyone around you.