When Grief gives you Hope and Peace: Vicki Goodman's Journey from Loss to Light

When the skies of life darken with the sorrow of loss, where do we find the light? Vicki Paris Goodman's harrowing yet uplifting journey as a caregiver and widow unfolds in our latest episode, offering a beacon of hope to those adrift in the sea of grief. Goodman's transition from theater reviewer to author reveals a story of transformation, where the act of writing becomes a vessel for navigating the turbulent waters of personal change and healing. Her sharing of an unexpectedly optimistic wave on the day of her husband's passing invites listeners into an intimate exploration of the spiritual dimensions that loss can unearth.

The conversation takes a poignant turn as we traverse the landscapes of the afterlife and the sustaining connections that transcend our earthly bonds. Goodman's candid reflections on her spiritual journey and the solace found in signs from loved ones who have departed, like the neon yellow-green apparition of her husband Sam, strike a chord of universal longing for continued bonds. Her stories, brimming with both tears and humor, serve as gentle reminders of the comfort available to us when we remain open to the possibility of communication beyond the veil.

Finally, our episode extends a hand to those standing in the aftermath of a loved one's departure, offering strategies for survivors navigating the delicate balance between engagement with life and the solitude necessary for processing grief. The shared wisdom within these stories emphasizes the importance of community support, cultural connections, and the unexpected gifts of adversity. As Goodman gracefully puts it, embracing the journey and its gifts, even when shrouded in loss, can lead to a life of no regrets. Join us, and let Vicki Paris Goodman's resilient spirit inspire you to find peace and happiness amid the storms of life.
Contact Vicki and read her blog at her author website: VickiParisGoodman.com

URL for discounted book purchase: InspiredGrief.com/book

URL for Vicki’s free belief-shifting 3-episode audio series: InspiredGrief.com

Transcript

Tami Barber: 0:19

Welcome to another episode of Cancer, the Emotional Mountain. I'm Tami, your host and a cancer thriver. Today's episode is unique. My guest today is the wife and caregiver of the cancer patient. This episode might not be for everyone, but that's okay. But for me it was a wonderful gift of peace and happiness For those of us who have lost loved ones. This is a joy to hear. I ask that you just listen and keep an open mind For those who know me. You often say that I have a great attitude and positive outlook in spite of my diagnosis. This confirms why my guest is an author and she has a special free gift for you. Please stay to the end to receive the generous gift she has for all of you.

Tami Barber: 1:17

If you're struggling in your cancer journey, this is the place for you. A roller coaster of emotions takes over with a diagnosis, whether it's you or someone you love, your life is suddenly changed forever. Join me on this podcast for what I hope is a chance to breathe and be understood. I want to introduce you all to my new friend, Vicki Paris Goodman.

Vicki Goodman: 1:50

Hey, thank you, Tami. I'm so honored to be on your podcast today. Thank you for having me.

Tami Barber: 1:56

Thank you. Like I said, we met in not a normal way, at a party, but I am so glad that

Vicki Goodman: 2:14

Oh well, it's a little different now than when we met, but yeah, it was through. The Need a Guest Facebook.

Tami Barber: 2:26

and I love that because you know, as a podcaster, we want this. And well, it's like I've reached out to a one of the cancer Facebook's pages I belong to and been like does anybody want to be on the podcast? And I think some people are hesitant. So I love when it's something that's like yes, yes, I do, I do. It's like thank you, thank you, yes, pick me, pick me, okay. So what I want Vicki to share with you is, yes, she is a cancer survivor and was also a caregiver to her husband, Sam, but she has a very unique experience. So let's go ahead and start with Sam and just give us a background, give us an idea who you are, who Sam was, and then I want you to take it away and tell us the experience.

Vicki Goodman: 3:24

Great. Thank you, Tami. Yeah, I was married to Sam, my husband Sam, who was the love of my life for almost 22 years. We got married a little bit later than most, and he was a wonderful man. He believed in doing the right thing in every situation. He was the picture of decency and he was also extremely funny. I, on the other hand, you know, I'm a type A personality and you know, needed some reining in, probably while we were married.

Vicki Goodman: 3:56

Yeah, I'm a retired mechanical engineer and yeah, and I also sing and play violin and you know, and I act a little bit in the community theater. So you know I dabble in things that are fun for me to do and so we were from Southern California. Actually, Sam's originally from New York, but we met in Southern California, which is where I spent the vast majority of my life in Southern California, which is where I spent the vast majority of my life. I was born there. But in 2016, we moved to Arizona for retirement and we had just moved into our beautiful new custom built home in Arizona and soon after we moved in the dropped out, we got Sam's terminal cancer diagnosis liver cancer that had already spread to the pancreas.

Vicki Goodman: 4:54

So I will admit right up front that I did so much of my grieving when we got the diagnosis oh yeah, they call it anticipatory grief and I was just in shock for about a week.

Vicki Goodman: 5:11

I go to this patio connected to a Starbucks in town that I knew no one was ever out there, and I tell Sam sweetie, I'm going out for a while, and I went there and spent an hour crying my eyes out for an entire week before I decided that the ritual had served its purpose and I didn't need to go there anymore. Yeah, and I stopped crying, and then I was ready to deal with everything that would happen over the next two years, until Sam passed. They said he most likely had a year, but at most two. And you know, I don't know if this is true or not, because I've heard of all kinds of miracles and we thought we would get one actually. But the doctors told us you know, you hear about people who beat the odds, but that in Sam's case that is not a possibility, not even a tiny little chance. Oh, wow, I mean.

Tami Barber: 6:07

Yeah.

Vicki Goodman: 6:09

That's what they told us.

Tami Barber: 6:10

Actually well, which we appreciate as well, being told the honest truth. But like, didn't there happen to be a little bead in the back of your head that said, well, maybe.

Vicki Goodman: 6:28

We did. We thought we'd get a miracle. We both did it. I guess, as humans, we just think that, in spite of the doctors many doctors telling us this diagnosis is not survivable, no one survives it. I don't know if it's true, as I said before, but that's what several doctors told us. So, yeah, we thought we'd get a miracle, but we didn't in the end. So yeah, so the story that's so unique is what happened after Sam passed happened after Sam passed.

Vicki Goodman: 7:04

I expected to be lost, you know, really disoriented for quite some time, and I was, in a way, because, you know, your life changes so much. But what I wasn't expecting was that on the day Sam passed, I was flooded with optimism and I thought, I mean, it was unseemly. I thought, what is going on here? There seemed to be kind of a helping hand coming from somewhere outside of myself to guide me and lead me, and it happened so soon after his passing, as I said, on the day that he passed, that I thought, oh, I should push this away. Oh, sure. But then I thought, you know, I've been so strong during this two-year ordeal and I took such good care of Sam, which was not in my nature. I'm not the caregiver type.

Vicki Goodman: 8:01

And I thought you know, maybe if good things want to come my way, even on the day Sam passed, I should let them and see where it goes. And it was the best choice I could have made, because it took me to wonderful places. It took me to insights and clarity on concepts like death and loss that I could never have expected. Serendipitous things that happened that I at first chalked up to coincidence, but they kept piling up. I have a list of about seven of them and I thought this can't be coincidence. There's too many of them.

Vicki Goodman: 8:46

Opportunities started coming my way to do fun things that you know hadn't really been on my radar prior to Sam's passing and I thought, why not? This sounds like so much fun. You know, things like singing, which I had never really done before, and it turned out I could sing. Things like singing which I had never really done before, and it turned out I could sing. I traveled to interesting places. I went to Antarctica, you know, I mean I'm just giving you a little examples and I just did so. Well, at first I thought, okay, I'm just not ready for the bottom to drop out yet you know I would.

Tami Barber: 9:22

I would be saying, uh, this is sort of a shock protection mechanism, my brain is giving me this so that I don't shatter.

Vicki Goodman: 9:32

But a month goes by, and then two months, and then three, and you realize, okay, it looks like that bottom is never going to drop out. This wasn't a defense mechanism, I am going to do well. So, yeah, and you know, it's almost five years later and, yeah, I'm still doing very well. It doesn't. It's not to say that I didn't grieve that there wasn't some sadness, but it wasn't anything like what I expected and, looking back on it, I'm so grateful because now I have a message that includes some insights that completely upend the way our culture has taught us, has conditioned us, to look at death and loss, which is such good news for anyone who has suffered with losing a loved one, and I would say they haven't really lost them. All it really requires it does require a belief in a loving God and a beautiful afterlife.

Tami Barber: 10:44

It does.

Vicki Goodman: 10:44

But if you believe in those things and I think most people do then I have really good news.

Tami Barber: 10:50

I love that. I just want to put in here for others who may be sitting on the fence. I know that I have heard from others. Well, I don't think I feel if I'm happy it means I forgot about them and and that is so untrue and I have always felt surrounded by angels, you know that, that wrap me and protect me, but also the wings bring me up and I'm allowed to laugh, I'm allowed to feel joy. My gift was that loved one and, like you just said, you don't lose them you don't lose them.

Vicki Goodman: 11:50

That's right. You know, one of the things that happened soon after Sam passed was I had access about once a month to the hospice chaplain for a full year after Sam passed and I said yes to that and we would, you know, get together. And then when COVID hit, it had to go over the phone, which wasn't as nice. But the thing is I was asking her a lot of questions about the afterlife. What makes my story all the more stunning, I think, is I was raised very secular in a family where my parents and grandparents not only didn't believe in God or an afterlife, but they thought people who did believe in those things were foolish and weak. So this is what I grew up with being told yeah. So some years ago, before Sam passed, I had kind of begun to believe in a higher power in spite of the way I was raised, but I hadn't taken it very far. It remained very rudimentary. So after he passed I thought, oh no, I really want to believe in these things more strongly. So I started asking the hospice chaplain about the afterlife, started asking the hospice chaplain about the afterlife, and she recommended that I read the story of a secular neurosurgeon who had had a near-death experience. He was in a coma for seven days from a brain infection and he was not going to survive this. His whole experience of getting the infection in the first place because he didn't have a wound of the kind that's necessary to contract this thing, this infection and then surviving it after his colleagues who were taking care of him could not get this infection under control at all. The fact that he survived it and with no brain damage, you know, survived to tell the story to write about it was just. The whole thing was so divinely inspired and took me the rest of the way to believing in God in an afterlife.

Vicki Goodman: 13:57

I haven't questioned these beliefs since and the messages that I have received about a different way to look at concepts like death and loss seem like the stuff of a movement to get people not to grieve so hard and not to grieve so long, because there's good news in all of this. I am just the messenger. I think God has chosen me to deliver this message because I write fairly well. I did theater reviews for many, many years in Long Beach, california. Yeah, over 20 years. I wrote for this little paper. So you know I had the writing experience to write the book that I wrote a couple of years after Sam passed. It's called To Sam With Love A Surviving Spouse's Story of Inspired Grief, and so all of these things. And I, you know I speak fairly well, I'm not shy and you know, I think God chose me. I do, maybe because I was raised so secular and it's more believable coming from someone like me.

Tami Barber: 15:11

I don't know, yeah, no, you're chosen. I fully believe and I'm so right on track with you. I do, and I do think that I do experience more joy because I do believe it. I don't have that many questions, I just trust.

Vicki Goodman: 15:33

It's harder for someone who's a mechanical engineer. I was going to say you're so left, right brain balanced.

Tami Barber: 15:40

I've never. It's amazing. I look at you and think, she's a very tiny, petite woman, but her head is the size of that room.

Vicki Goodman: 15:56

Thank you, I think.

Tami Barber: 15:59

No, it's, it's, you're, you're, you're unique that way. I, I say I am all right, there is no left.

Vicki Goodman: 16:07

I do have a creative streak, but you know what? I've met a lot of scientists and math people, engineers, who play musical instruments or do something creative. I think we need that to balance.

Tami Barber: 16:22

Yes. You know, yes, oh, and some of my most left brain, analytical, you know, concentrated in science. Friends are hysterical. I love their sense of humor. I do love that.

Vicki Goodman: 16:43

I think we make fun of ourselves, because engineers are the quintessential nerds and we know it.

Tami Barber: 16:50

Most of us do. You were the first nerds.

Vicki Goodman: 16:53

Yes, yeah, we're nerds. In fact, I love that movie. Remember that movie, revenge of the Nerds, not to go off on a tangent. Yeah, my favorite line is when the cheerleader says I can't believe.

Tami Barber: 17:13

Anyway. So, yeah, back to your experience. Yes, and I, I do love that. Uh, you took advantage of the hospice chaplain, because I did that as well, um, after my father passed, and it was just first of all, there's hospice saves the caregiver and um, and and take advantage of all of it, and I do love how you have contact with them after and that you took advantage of that.

Vicki Goodman: 17:51

We stayed friends. I still have lunch with her every once in a while. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah, we really connected. So, yeah, so, um well, I could continue on telling about some of the rest of the experience. Tammy, or do you have specific questions?

Tami Barber: 18:11

Well, I guess, if we want to circle back to that, but like when you and I met and you shared the experience, that's where the uniqueness came in and that I think would be very helpful to others, because for me the place where I am with grief. You confirmed me. But for those who maybe struggle, I think you'll you have a message to share. Like you said, god's picked you for this message.

Vicki Goodman: 18:58

One of the things I read from this same neurosurgeon. I read it online. It must've come from a speech he did or something. But he says the body dies and that means the brain dies too, along with the body. The soul lives on, and he says the brain while we're here on earth. The brain acts as a filter or reducing valve that takes all of the knowledge of the world and filters it down to a manageable amount of information while we're here on earth, and that's why we imagine all of these things, the meaning of life. You know God, the afterlife. We have such a limited understanding of these things. He said that when he was on the other side during his near-death experience, he said he knew everything, everything that had to do with history, math, science, physics, literally everything about the universe. He understood it all. And then, when he came back from his near-death experience, once again he didn't. But he remembers having known everything.

Vicki Goodman: 20:20

He just doesn't remember all the knowledge yet, and so it kind of confirmed it makes sense to me, it really does make sense to me, and so that from others who have had, you know, seen the light, gone into the light that it is.

Tami Barber: 20:36

It's just this, all knowing that, like you said, you can't come back and say, well, I knew this, I knew this, I knew that, no, you were

Vicki Goodman: 20:46

Your soul is free to just have it Right, and it also suggests to me that souls in the afterlife don't experience negative emotions like anger and jealousy. Correct, because so many surviving spouses let's say or feel guilty, feel so much guilt, moving on, even if they are otherwise inclined to do so. And you know, some of them even report that you know, if they have a new partner, they're self-conscious about sexual relations with the new partner because they think their spouse's soul is watching. Right, and that soul probably is watching. They're probably aware of everything, but the thing is they only want what's best for us and make us the happiest. I believe that, after all of the insights and revelations that came my way, I have no doubt this is the case. So it's such good news it is. Yeah, yeah, it is.

Tami Barber: 22:01

It confirms and makes me freer to know .

Tami Barber: 22:07

And I talk to my mom and dad and my husband that passed as if they're here. Why not? I read this somewhere you know, like the postcards from heaven, this somewhere you know, like the postcards from heaven, when you, you know they're there when something happens and they and boom, there they are, with a song, a smell of a tree. That was a place you, you went, and you and, and for me it's like, oh good, you're still here. Yeah, I'm, you know, let's talk, I know it's such a blessing.

Vicki Goodman: 22:51

Let me tell you one or one or two of the ones that happened for me. Okay, so I had two celebrations of life for Sam, a large one in Los Angeles, but then I realized we'd already made so many friends in our new home in Arizona that I needed to have one there as well. And I did.

Vicki Goodman: 23:09

And it was too big, believe it or not, to have at the house, so I had it at this little venue. Now, Sam's favorite flower had always been sunflowers. He adored sunflowers. And I'm on my way there about 45 minutes before the event and suddenly this silly, cartoonish little bright blue car was in front of me. I guess the closest thing that it kind of looked like was a VW bug, but it wasn't. It was kind of something I'd never seen before Cartoonish, little, bright blue car with flower plastic flowers sticking up from the roof and bent backward so that I could see it wasn't just any flower, it was a sunflower. And I thought when have I ever seen anything like this before? What are the chances it would happen? 45 minutes before, yeah, while I'm on my way to Sam's first celebration of life. Yeah.

Vicki Goodman: 24:13

Yeah, that was the first thing. Now the most stunning thing that's happened is soon after he passed. When I'd go to bed and turn out the lights, I would see kind of a smoky, grayish white thing, and most of the time it was so subtle I wasn't sure it was there and I thought this is just a manifestation of my eyes getting accustomed to the dark. You know, it would be more vivid and I think seems like there's something really there, and so I'd start talking to it. I'd say hi, sweetie, I'm glad you're here. You know, it helps me to have you come and visit, even though we can't seem to communicate very well. I mean, I guess I can talk to you, but you know I don't really get anything back. But that's okay, I'm just so glad you're here. Anyhow, a few months later it changed color. It became kind of a neon yellow green and I thought, okay, it's changed color, maybe there is something really there color, maybe there is something really there. And sometimes it would be very vivid and it was really kind of a neon color. You know, it was just kind of this lime green that was stunningly beautiful.

Vicki Goodman: 25:22

Well, I got tired of wondering after about a year. I got tired of wondering if this was Sam and I'd begun to pray for the first time in my life. I didn't feel comfortable praying for myself, so I pray for others who were, you know, maybe had a, were sick or had a sick loved one, or I'd pray for our country, its constitution, whatever I could think of that needed help, you know, on this occasion, I told God. I said listen, I'm going to break my own rule and I'm going to ask you for something for me. I really want to know at this point whether the neon yellow green thing is a manifestation of Sam's soul, if he's visiting me. So I have a plan. This is what I want you to do, I told him.

Vicki Goodman: 26:08

I know it's kind of funny to tell God how to do something, that's okay. So so I told him. I said, tonight, when I go to bed, if it is Sam's soul, just make it as vivid as ever, make it appear different, somehow distinctly different than it always has. And if it's not, sam, just give me jet black to indicate the you know, the convincing absence of the phenomenon. You know Well, that night, when I was ready to go to bed, I thought what have I done? What if I get jet black. Am I ready to? Yeah, I wasn't sure I was ready, right right To find out.

Tami Barber: 26:51

I don't want to know the truth.

Vicki Goodman: 26:53

Yeah, I wasn't sure I was ready to find out that this hasn't been Sam all this time. But you know I couldn't stay up forever. So I get in bed and turn out the light and normally when the apparition, I guess would come, it would take about three to five minutes to appear and it would just kind of gently float around or kind of go in and out gently for about 45 seconds to a minute and then it would kind of gently fade away. Well, on this occasion I turn out the lights and it is there immediately, first time ever, and it is vivid as could be.

Vicki Goodman: 27:32

And it didn't gently float around, it frantically shot across my view about five times in maybe two seconds or three and then gone and I thought, oh my gosh, and I burst into tears and I thanked God and said to him that I would never question the identity of the neon yellow green thing again and I was convinced it's it was Sam and I still get the visits almost every night.

Tami Barber: 28:04

Oh, I love that. It's so comforting.

Vicki Goodman: 28:08

I know, but it was as if it was, as if I don't really I'm not sure God did this. Now that I think back on it, I think Sam was answering this prayer. I think he thought, oh gosh, I'm going to have to put a lot of energy into this but I'm going to yeah. And I think he just spent all of his soul's energy in one, you know, decisive display. Yeah, and you know, in order to answer my question.

Tami Barber: 28:42

And I I have well as I have studied things like this and the afterlife and the ability of of our souls.

Tami Barber: 28:52

I have felt the same way. I had a friend that I had met back in the late 90s and, at the time I was in my 40s, she was in her 70s and she had terminal cancer but and we had a couple of years where we became traveling friends and it was wonderful. And, we would joke back and forth and she says, you know, excuse me when I leave, I want you to know I'm still with you. And I said, oh, yes, yes, I would love that. I always want you to be my traveling friend.

Tami Barber: 29:31

And we jokingly came up with she would throw things at me. You know, that was our funny way. We were related to each other, we joked a lot and I said you're just going to throw things at me. She says, yeah, just out of nowhere, I'm just going to throw something at you. Well, she had been gone maybe three, four months and I'm in my bathroom one morning getting ready for work and, I kid you not, behind me was a cabinet that didn't have doors, but it had towels stacked and something just flew out of it and hit the floor. But it had towels stacked and it. Something just flew out of it and hit the floor and I thought, oh, okay, and, you know, picked it up and tried to tuck it in, like, well, I don't, I don't want that to fall out again.

Tami Barber: 30:31

And over the next week or two things were like poltergeist flying at me until I said, oh my gosh, wanda, oh my gosh, hello, hello. And I'm getting goosebumps now just thinking about it. I was like I totally forgot you were going to throw things at me. I kept thinking is the house settling? And I'd I'd even look around to see if it was my husband who was, you know, on the other end. I'm like, what are you doing? I said everything just fell off the side of this wall. What are you doing in there? And he's like I'm not doing anything. And the realization of, oh, we planned this. I've had those, I had it with my mother, I've had it, with pretty much anyone who I feel I've lost has been found, and I'm very comfortable with that.

Vicki Goodman: 31:30

Isn't it fantastic, it's awesome.

Tami Barber: 31:33

I never, ever want to question it. Well, I don't need to question it, but then you're probably a little like me and those are. You know already. The people who don't have this are like tuning off, and that's fine. I want to bring the rest of you in, who need to know this. We are not left behind, we know.

Vicki Goodman: 32:02

And I think, but remember, you said you had forgotten that she was going to throw things and you didn't know right away. Well, I think this happens more often than people realize, but they're not observant, they're not, they're not open to receiving these messages. So maybe our message to you is is to be open to to these things you know, think about things that happen.

Vicki Goodman: 32:32

Is this a symbol of you know? And there's always the danger of thinking of, of reaching too far and wanting something to mean something so badly that you put meaning in anything that happens.

Tami Barber: 32:44

There's a line to draw.

Tami Barber: 32:48

Yeah, now mine, once the phenomenon appeared so different, to me seemed dependable, and certainly what happened to you after your friend Wanda passed you know there's not much you can do to deny the validity of that one either, but a peace comes over your heart, that you just it's almost like a sign of yay. you just feel that, um, when I was diagnosed with my cancer and you know the news was not good, good at all, yeah, and I I reached out in in my heart mind to those that have passed before me and said I miss you all terribly.

Tami Barber: 33:41

I know you've prepared a beautiful place for me, but you know what? I have something to do before we're together again, because we're never apart. But before I experienced that miracle, I think I got to be one here and it it set the it set the pace for my cancer journey and and I love when my friends say you're such a warrior I don't feel that at all.

Tami Barber: 34:17

Cancer has blessed my life, brought people into my life that I would have missed. That is so profound, tammy, what you just said, that is so profound, tammy, what you just said, because there are lessons and blessings in everything that happens to us, yes, and I don't want to miss them. I don't want to turn the blind eye. I want to look over at that and say, wow, thank you yeah. Thank you, universe, for giving me this.

Vicki Goodman: 34:53

One of the ways in which I feel so grateful and blessed compared with my, my secular family, who don't believe in anything, is that I'm no longer afraid of death.

Tami Barber: 35:09

No.

Vicki Goodman: 35:09

I don't see it as death. I see it as transitioning to something else, to the afterlife. Yeah, I have. I have things I still want to do here on earth, but I trust God to decide when my work here is done and that is so freeing, as you pointed out.

Tami Barber: 35:33

It is yes.

Vicki Goodman: 35:35

So I'm the lucky one.

Tami Barber: 35:37

Yeah, there's no more pressure, anxiety. People work, some people. I feel bad for them because they keep saying but I've got to do this and I've got to do that, I let go. My mom and I had a favorite saying that we got from Dr Shuler let go, let God. And when I am stressed to the max over some earthly issue, I am reminded let go and let God. It gets me through.

Vicki Goodman: 36:17

It's so wise. This is wisdom.

Tami Barber: 36:20

It gets me through. Yes, yes, I'm glad I've lived this long to develop this type of thing. Now, it doesn't mean that I have patience, because I still do not have patience, I still do not have tolerance, I still do not. No, I didn't become, you know, sister Teresa or Gandhi. No, I am still me, I am still human. I still want to kill people who irritate me.

Vicki Goodman: 36:49

Gosh well are we alike or what?

Tami Barber: 36:52

Yes. I am not walking on water, no, but I'm able to take what I have invested in it and say maybe you're supposed to just wait and learn and learn and learn.

Vicki Goodman: 37:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a recent conclusion that I reached, again from from outside of myself. You know I take credit for almost none of this, really.

Tami Barber: 37:21

None, oh, I don't believe I have.

Vicki Goodman: 37:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tami Barber: 37:25

And and a little thing that I've put in and I've had this in some of my podcasts that fellow cancer friends are so angry, why me? Why did I get cancer? I never had that thought. I didn't even have it in the book of here's. Where we go now, why not? And, like I said, cancer has brought me blessing upon blessing upon blessing. Cancer has brought me blessing upon blessing upon blessing. I'm not. The doctors, the nurses, the people who have helped me get well would not have been in my life. We're friends now. I respect and admire their gift to know what they wanted to be when they grew up and they're doing a really good job at it.

Tami Barber: 38:35

I've never known what I wanted to be when I grew up. I've never known. I'm Jack of all trades, master of none. I fly through the world on a magic carpet ride of gypsy blood and I always puzzled what did they know? In the seventh grade they were going to be a surgeon. How did they know? And we're all so different, but I am so grateful that they did.

Vicki Goodman: 39:04

Yeah, yeah, you know it's funny. I think most people don't know what they want to be when they grow up and they kind of I think so many of us choose the career that we enter into, sometimes for life or for the extent of our working life, kind of based on an eeny meeny, miny moe kind of a thing.

Tami Barber: 39:29

You know because, well, the high school counselor that said you're going to be good at this.

Vicki Goodman: 39:37

Right, I mean now looking back, you know, but I'm glad I didn't do this because I'm not sure it would have worked out well. But if I'd really done my passion, I would have been singing and dancing on the musical theater stage, you know, I mean, which is so far removed from anything except the recent singing I've taken on, which is very recent, since Sam passed.

Tami Barber: 39:59

So yeah, and pretend you think if I hadn't done what I did, I wouldn't have met Sam, I wouldn't have met this person, I wouldn't. You know, we have a destiny, yeah, and I have no regrets?

Vicki Goodman: 40:13

No, I have no regrets, it's just, it's just a funny thing to think about. Wow, you know, if I'd really done my heart's passion, you know, I would have been on Broadway, you know.

Tami Barber: 40:25

And I often have that little thought too that says what if da, da da had taken place and not this, where would I be today? And then that thought is quickly followed up by it doesn't matter.

Vicki Goodman: 40:43

Exactly I agree.

Tami Barber: 40:46

Go ahead and focus back. You're on 12 headed west and you have a place to be Right. Yeah, so let's see, we've talked about that, and how about? What do you recommend for survivors? What do you recommend for survivors?

Vicki Goodman: 41:06

I'm glad you asked because I do have some recommendations. So you might remember, at the beginning of this talk I was telling you about how I just decided to go along with the guidance that was coming my way. Well, I would tell you to be open to guidance that you may feel is coming from outside yourself. Trust it and let yourself be led Also along the same lines. Be open to opportunities that come your way. You might say, oh, it's only been a couple of weeks or a month, it's too soon. Well, maybe it's not too soon. Maybe this is exactly the kind of activity or pursuit that will help you to move into that wonderful next chapter of life that's waiting for you until your turn to join your beloved spouse in the afterlife.

Tami Barber: 42:04

And you might be in.

Vicki Goodman: 42:06

Antarctica. Yeah yeah yeah, that was fantastic. Possibly the most important thing I can tell you. People will tell you keep yourself as busy as possible so you don't have time to feel or think, feel or think. I ignored that well-intended advice. I knew it was wrong. Instead, strike a balance between these new activities and alone time. The alone time can be anything, just quiet time. You can be hiking, you can be walking, you can be watching TV, reading a book or just sitting and thinking. I love that. That's the time that's spent processing what's happened to your life. You have to do that so it doesn't have to be even sad time. It just needs to be the time spent not avoiding what's happened. But processing it.

Tami Barber: 43:03

Especially if it's been a sudden death. Yes. That's very difficult.

Vicki Goodman: 43:09

But you know, even when you have two years, as I did, to get used to the idea that this person, even though we thought there would be a miracle, you know I had to prepare myself for not getting that miracle, you know, just to protect myself, I guess. And I still didn't know what it would look like, what life would look like without Sam sharing this house with me. You know, you can't know until you're there. So that part of it is still an unknown and you have to adjust to it and that's what the alone time does. So if you strike a balance and this was put to the test because Sam passed just a few months before COVID came down on us and all those restrictions and lockdowns, and I wasn't really prepared for anxiety and all that uncertainty we all experienced when that happened and the solitude and the balance I had struck suddenly was upset.

Vicki Goodman: 44:16

I had not had any depression at all after Sam passed. I had sad moments and uncertainty, had sad moments and uncertainty, but I hadn't had that. Well, let me just say that the balance was upset and suddenly I was spending way too much time alone and that caused three 10 day depressions over the next year or so while we were dealing with all that and I thought, well, that's interesting. Now I'm having these periodic, you know bouts of depression that were it was funny they each lasted precisely 10 days. I felt awful. I just sit there staring out the window and then you know, after 10 days it was over staring out the window and then you know, after 10 days it was over. So I I am pretty certain that the upset of that balance between activity and alone time was what caused that. So it was put to the test, yeah.

Tami Barber: 45:18

But what I love is you came out. You came out of it. And that's what I try and tell, since I work at a cancer center and I get close to patients and their spouses and like one of the spouses showed up again this week. And he says it's, it's hard to come here because this is what took her from me, but yet we spent so much time here caring for her. He said I, I wanted to come in. I sat in my car, I didn't know if I should, and then I remembered I would have friends in here and so he came in. So he came in and, like you said, you just sometimes have to face it.

Vicki Goodman: 46:20

You know I had a similar experience. Tami, Sam was in what they call a group home with round the clock care, just for the last month of his life because you know it looked like he might choke on his food. I just thought, what if there's no caregiver here? During those hours when.

Vicki Goodman: 46:38

I'm alone with him. And, yeah, I just thought, no, this is irresponsible at this point. So I moved him just for the last 30 days for it turned out to be 30 days of his life and I went back there. It was hard to go back, but something compelled me to do so to visit the caregivers there. I'd really bonded with some of the people and it made me feel good to go visit there, even though it was hard in another way it is.

Tami Barber: 47:07

So yeah, like you're, you're, you're on the blade of the sword, but right now it's, it's, it's not sharp, yeah. Yeah, oh, good analogy.

Tami Barber: 47:22

And that's how I felt when Tony came in this week and I get to hug him and it's only been Brenda passed March 7th and they were together over 50 years. They were the cutest together live in Louisiana. But one thing I said to him the other day. I said you know, I miss the most is her unique little accent, certain little words she would say. That just tickled me and he goes oh yeah, she was a

Tami Barber: 48:01

It's a term of a certain native native of this area is a Coonass. and it's so. You know, if you're not used to that term, you're like oh my god, what did you? But no, now that I've lived here this long and I and and I love you know you're a Cajun, you're a Coonass. It's an endearment, right. And he just grinned. And we laughed. And yes, sometimes you don't want, I prefer going to places like that and reuniting with caregivers and people that you connected with than sitting at a cemetery, because who I love is not in the cemetery.

Vicki Goodman: 48:52

Right, I agree, although I've done a little of both. Oh of course. But it's more satisfying to be with the people who took care of him at the end and who knew both of us.

Tami Barber: 49:06

Exactly. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that a whole lot more too. And before we wrap this up and this has been wonderful and I want to have you back after you've had more experiences Please.

Vicki Goodman: 49:22

Well, I have another book too, Tami, so maybe that would be a good time. Let's do that, let's do that for sure.

Tami Barber: 49:32

But that's that's why I want to make sure that you give all the information. I will also make sure that it is written in the show notes For those of you. You don't have to take out a notebook right now. You don't have to write anything down. We're going to have it for you. But I want Vicki to share with you what her gift is and how you can stay in contact.

Vicki Goodman: 49:53

Great. Yes, I want to talk about those things. My book is again to Sam with love a surviving spouse's story of inspired grief, and the best pricing currently available for it is at inspiredgriefcom forward slash book. I've discounted the pricing there, so, inspiredgriefcom forward slash book I also have a free gift for you and it's really not to be missed. These are three audio episodes that I have recorded and put online. They're about 12 to 15 minutes each and they really do have the potential to completely upend the way you think of death and loss. That really puts our culture's awfulization of the subject to bed, so that you, as a survivor, can move into the next chapter of life more quickly and with optimism and enthusiasm.

Vicki Goodman: 50:53

So, to get the three audio episodes, go to inspiredgrief. com. Enter your first name and email address and that will subscribe you to the series email address and that will subscribe you to the series. It's free. Get the audio episodes, you will love them.

Tami Barber: 51:10

And we will have your voice. Sharing it, the actual person who lived it.

Vicki Goodman: 51:21

These are all the best of the insights that came to me after Sam passed. Some of them aren't even in the book. Some of the best ones are in the audio episodes. They came to me after I published the book. So I see the book and the audio episodes as a toolkit. After the audio episodes completely change the way you think of death and loss, my book will serve as a roadmap to guide you forward, yeah, to guide you forward into that new chapter of life.

Vicki Goodman: 51:55

So this.

Tami Barber: 51:56

I want all of you listening that, even if you haven't been down the road we have, it may be something else that you need this kind of peace and positivity, for it doesn't have to necessarily be the loss of a loved one, although I don't know how you get in and out of this world without that. And these are what Vicki is giving you is, like she said, the tools to put that hard part to rest. It will free you up to live your best life. It will give you joy and times that you think I just can't get up today, and it will also give you permission to say dear God. I never asked for anything for myself, but I really need this right now.

Tami Barber: 52:57

For those of you who have been raised very sternly to believe do not ask for yourself. Do not ask for yourself. I'm asking this for a friend, and be a friend to yourself. Vicki, this is so wonderful. Everything is exactly like I said when we met, you confirmed what people have kind of referred to me as oh, she's kind of woo-woo. No, I'm not woo-woo, I'm you-hoo. You're wise. Okay, thank you, I'm going with that and I'm going to get a T-shirt. Vicki said I'm wise. Thank you, I'm going with that and I'm gonna get a t-shirt. Vicki said I'm wise.

Vicki Goodman: 53:50

You are.

Tami Barber: 53:51

So everyone, make sure that after you listen here, you go to the show notes. It will be on the Facebook page and here in wherever you, as they say, get your favorite podcast. So,

Vicki Goodman: 54:14

This was such a pleasure and I'm really honored to have been your guest.

Tami Barber: 54:19

I am honored that Sam whooshed through and put us together. Things like this they aren't coincidences, they're on purposes.

Vicki Goodman: 54:31

Yeah, almost everything.

Tami Barber: 54:38

Thank you for listening to another episode of Cancer the Emotional Mountain. I want to sincerely thank my guest today, Vicki Goodman. As you heard, we share the same spiritual journey and it's comforting and gives me a lot of hope. I hope you found something that will help you in your journey. Please subscribe, share the podcast if you know someone who could use a helping hand. Also, if you want to check in, join the Facebook group Cancer the emotional mountain. Support for each other is never overrated. If you have a more personal concern or question, please don't hesitate to send me an email at c. emotionalmountain@gmail. com. I'm not an expert, just another traveler on this crazy mountain of peaks and valleys. Please check the show notes for information on how to get Vicki's book and the free belief shifting audio series. Like I said before, no matter where you are in life, this type of spiritual comfort is for everyone. For now, this is Tami, telling you to breathe, take care of yourself and never give up. Bye everybody, thank you.