Ever feel like you're always putting everyone else's needs before your own? Or maybe say 'yes' to things you'd rather not do, just to keep the peace or to be liked? We've been there too. Join us as we get personal and share how we grappled with this incredibly common yet hardly discussed issue of people-pleasing. We shed light on how our upbringings in strict households, where affection was conditional and scarce, compelled us to constantly prove worthiness for love. But here's the thing, we learnt the hard way that the love and attention we were doling out to everyone else, we deserved the very same.
But changing lifelong habits isn't easy, is it? That's where setting boundaries comes in. Learning to say 'no' was one of the toughest yet most liberating lessons we learnt. We unpack how saying 'no' can actually aid in better time management and keep burnout at bay. And yes, we talk about self-care too. Because asking for help doesn't equate to weakness. Quite the contrary, it's an indication of strength. So, if you're tired of constantly pleasing others at the cost of your own well-being, tune in for a candid conversation around people-pleasing, self-worth, and the power of saying 'no'.
Ever feel like you're always putting everyone else's needs before your own? Or maybe say 'yes' to things you'd rather not do, just to keep the peace or to be liked? We've been there too. Join us as we get personal and share how we grappled with this incredibly common yet hardly discussed issue of people-pleasing. We shed light on how our upbringings in strict households, where affection was conditional and scarce, compelled us to constantly prove worthiness for love. But here's the thing, we learnt the hard way that the love and attention we were doling out to everyone else, we deserved the very same.
But changing lifelong habits isn't easy, is it? That's where setting boundaries comes in. Learning to say 'no' was one of the toughest yet most liberating lessons we learnt. We unpack how saying 'no' can actually aid in better time management and keep burnout at bay. And yes, we talk about self-care too. Because asking for help doesn't equate to weakness. Quite the contrary, it's an indication of strength. So, if you're tired of constantly pleasing others at the cost of your own well-being, tune in for a candid conversation around people-pleasing, self-worth, and the power of saying 'no'.
Speaker 1:
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Pockets of Time hosted by Chunky Panda. That's me. On today's topic, we are going to be talking about people pleasing and methods to stray away from those tendencies, how to balance it and how it affects you in everyday life. Great guys, people pleasing I feel like we everybody does it to a certain extent, when some people are more excessive than others, and I feel like it's all about balance. Some people pleasing is necessary to build relationships and to get to where you want to get. And when I say to get to where you want to get, I'm referring to if you are working a job and you're a boss and you're working towards this raise or this promotion, of course you're going to want to impress your boss and then, of course, you're going to want them to like you. I think that as long as you're staying true to yourself, that's all that matters. And when I say building relationships, I feel like as long as both sides are pouring into each other's cup, then I don't think that there's anything wrong with that.
Speaker 1:
I think the imbalance is when another person sacrifices their wants and their needs to make sure that somebody else is good. I think that's where the imbalance is and I feel like a lot of people who people please excessively. It comes from maybe it came from their childhood, the way that they grew up, or traumas that they have experienced, or cycles that have been repeated over and over again, to the point where it's become a norm for them. I think for me not. I think for me I grew up in a very strict Asian household with a tiger mom, tiger dad, so my parents weren't very open with their affection and they weren't very emotional. So it was hard for me to understand and decipher and I think for me I took it as I need to prove myself, I need to show them that I'm worthy of their love. And it also didn't help that I grew up in an environment where I was bullied and also, being an Asian American, trying to fit in was really tough. We were just trying to figure out where you belonged. And I think for me I turned all that into what I thought was what I was supposed to do. So I thought that I was supposed to do something for people, to be of service to people, to be worth anything, and I felt like if I didn't do things for people, then I was useless. If I couldn't make people happy. Then I was useless and over the times I didn't realize that it became like a coping mechanism for me, a codependency. I think a lot of us think of codependency. We're like, oh, that person's needy, they need to have somebody. For me, it was more of I needed to be needed and that was tough for me, and I think that I didn't really understand that until pretty much about two years ago. And it's crazy when you keep repeating the same cycles over and over again to the point where that becomes your norm. And that could be in friendships, and for me it was friendships, relationships, it was family, it was all of it, all the situations, and I didn't 100% understand it. I understood like bits and pieces. I didn't put the whole puzzle together until about two years ago, where I got into a healthy relationship. And I feel like everyone talks about tough relationships and how hard they are, but no one really talks about how hard healthy relationships are too. It's like you have to rewire your whole way of thinking in your brain and I think change in general is so uncomfortable because, like I said, it's sad but it's like when you are in the same situation over and over again, that's what feels safe and that's what feels normal to you, even though it's making you miserable.
Speaker 1:
Back to my story. I was sitting there and I was having this mental breakdown and my boyfriend looked at me and he was like are you okay? What can I do? And I looked at him and I said why do you love me? Why do you want to be with me? And he looked at me confused and he was like because I love you for who you are. And I think that was the most confusing thing for me and I did not know how to process that and I couldn't grasp the concept of the fact that someone loved me for who I was. And I looked back at him and I said but you don't need anything for me, I can't do anything for you. And he looked at me so confused and he was like you don't have to do anything for me. I love when you do stuff for me and I'm grateful, but I love you for you, not for what you can do for me. And that was tough and I think that was the moment where I sat there and I was just like someone can love me for me. I don't have to do anything to prove myself. That's crazy and it made me really look back at all the relationships and friendships and everything that had been through and I was like damn, I spent all this time trying to be something that was worthy of love, trying to be somebody that was deserving of acceptance, and I didn't have to this whole time and it was like the wildest thing for me and it still took me a little bit longer before I realized that I am enough.
Speaker 1:
And I think a part of that has helped me work through. It is realizing my self-worth, realizing that all the stuff that I've been giving people, I also deserve back. And I know that I've said this in so many episodes, guys, but you deserve the love that you give, not the love that you are conditioned to receive. And I realized that all this time I was giving people everything that I wanted for myself because I thought that was gonna make them love me and that's crazy. But it was a huge eye-opener for me and I just started realizing that it's not that I'm not loved, but it's. I'm the one that has to pour into my cup. I'm the one that has to do that for myself, and it's crazy and it made me go. I've been doing this for everybody else. Why am I not deserving? And then I realized that no, I am deserving. I just have to do it for myself and focus on me and really cherish that part of me.
Speaker 1:
And I think that whenever you guys get into that point where you're like, oh, I don't deserve, no, you do. And I want you to repeat to yourself I deserve the love that I give, not the love that I've been conditioned to receive. And if not, think of it as a third person. If you were looking at yourself, it's, what kind of love would you give to your friends and give that back to yourself? I think that's the biggest thing. The first step is to recognize your worth and recognize that you deserve it just as much as you give.
Speaker 1:
And I also think that, like through all this time, I realized that I also haven't faced myself and I realized that I don't even know who I am. I spent so much of my time formulating my identity around everybody's needs and wants and what they expect from me and what they need from me that I didn't even know what I wanted and that scared the shit out of me and I had to take time and reflect and really find myself, for the first time ever without anybody else's voice, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to have that safe space to do that. So I think another thing is to identify your needs Journal, write down what it is that you love, your passions, your things that you care about, and start writing down goals and ways to map towards it. You know, and that's what spiked this whole podcast thing, it was just I would always tell people that I just want to talk to people. I find so much joy and so much love in that being able to share my story or people's story in hopes of helping others. So here I am, putting myself out there and putting out a episode every single week. Yep, yeah. So I guess we got recognizing your worth and identifying your needs, because you lose yourself self in all of this.
Speaker 1:
And another thing that I've started doing once you figure out what it is that you want to do set boundaries. I know that was really hard for me, like boundaries and saying no. That was really tough. I felt, if I said no, that I was a terrible person, that I was committing a crime, and I think that stems from the fact that I thought that I was responsible for people's happiness, that you know, like I said, saying no was taboo. So I always said yes to everything and I would burn myself out to the point where I would just fall into episodes of like depression, where I would just withdraw and I just had to figure out a way to pour back into my cup because I was completely empty. So setting boundaries is heavy and saying no.
Speaker 1:
I think when you set boundaries it at least limits you know the amount of no's that you have to give out, because when you set boundaries it's like almost like a standard that you're telling people like hey, you know, I can only go out on Friday and Saturday and the rest of the week I need to focus on my coursework or my business or whatever it is. And I feel like when you do that, you don't have to say no as much because it's just an understood thing, but you still should practice saying no because you deserve to make time for yourself. I think those are important and I think another thing is to, before you say yes, really take time and just tell people like hey, look, let me get back to you and let me think this over, because I promise you I have said yes so many times and I have double, triple booked myself and gave myself so much anxiety and stress myself so much and now, like you have to, it's like you say yes and now you have to say no. So it's like a, it's like you have to do both things and it makes it even worse. But I feel like when you take time and you think about things before you commit, it gives you space to think about if it aligns with what it is that you're trying to do or if you have time for it, because at this point you have to put yourself first. You have to make sure that you reach your goals and your wants and your needs before you start doing it for other people. But yeah, pausing and thinking is definitely very helpful and it's not like a yes or no, it's just hey, let me just get back to you. So I guess it feels a little bit more friendly.
Speaker 1:
I feel like when you start practicing setting boundaries and saying no, you start to attract the right people into your life. So you start to build those quality relationships that belong, and in the process, you do lose people who don't align with what it is that you want for yourself. But so be it. Would you rather have a bunch of people where you have to pander to and not do the things that you want to do for yourself. No, and I feel like that's important, and I feel like your friends are always going to be supporting you and if they don't support you, then so be it. Life's too short. You don't have enough space for everybody in the world. So and I've had people tell me stories before where, you know, I had a friend who, like started business and she was so busy and heavy in it and she was telling me that her friends were offended and they would get upset at her for not hanging out with them, going out to drink with them and like partying with them, and they slowly pushed her out of the group and I felt like that was so sad. I feel like I said you know your friends should be there to support you and if they're not, then they're not really your friends and good riddance. And I feel like a lot of the time that's like a projection on their part. It's like they want to do better but they don't want to make the changes. So that's on them.
Speaker 1:
And then I think another thing is it is super important that you express how you feel about things. I feel like you know, being a people pleaser, we have a tendency to do it because we want to avoid conflicts and I feel if you voice your opinion and your feelings, you're all you're being true to yourself and not even that. But you're also going to lose people who aren't going to understand and who don't care to understand. And, like I said, good riddance, whoever falls off, they don't belong, and that's just more room for you to make, for you to have whoever is supposed to come and come in.
Speaker 1:
Another thing is I think it's important to also prioritize your self care. I think that when you make time for yourself, you're able to pour into your cup. When it goes back to, how are you supposed to help people if you can't even help yourself? So I think giving back to yourself is a huge thing and also it helps you release. And we've said it before, self care looks different for everybody. It's not always going to be the same. It could be different every single day.
Speaker 1:
But yeah, and I feel like sometimes it's also really nice to talk to somebody who understands and it's okay to ask for help. I think that we are so judgy about it. Sometimes we're like, oh, you need help. No, I think that the smartest person in the room is the one that is able to ask for help. And when I say help, it could be therapy, it could be counseling, or it could be talking to someone who understands you, know what you're going through, that can provide you with insights and strategies to help you work through those people pleasing tendencies. I feel like we are better together. So asking for help and reaching out doesn't make you weak. It actually makes you really smart. Yeah, I think that's it, guys.
Speaker 1:
I just wanted to get on here and say thank you, thank you, thank you for joining me. I hope that you were able to take something away with you that can help you better navigate your people pleasing tendencies and understand yourself a little bit more and, if not, connect a piece or something or maybe be able to pass this along to somebody. But I hope that this helps you in some kind of way, and if you guys have any suggestions or you have any questions that you would love for me to answer in these future episodes, please let me know. My Instagram is pockets of time dot Cp. Please message me and let me know, and if there's anything that you feel like I could do better or do more of. I would love to hear you guys's feedback. So have a beautiful day. I love you guys so much and until next time, goodbye.