Episode 65 Happy Birthday to Me: What I Have Learned in 53 years

In this episode, I celebrate my 53rd birthday by sharing some life lessons and personal reflections.

This includes my discussion of the challenges tied to body image and self-acceptance, especially during life transitions like menopause. I open up about my own struggles with weight and body perception as a Nutritionist. I also discuss some of my recent health challenges and overcoming setbacks.

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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Credit for the music used in this podcast:

The Beat of Nature

Music by Olexy from Pixabay

Transcript

Fiona Kane: 0:32

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast. My name is Fiona Kane and this week I'm actually going to be talking. This is a bit more reflective this week, so, as I'm recording this, it's actually the week of my 53rd birthday. So yesterday I turned 53 and it got me into a bit of a reflective mood about life and about what I've learned. So that's what I'm going to be focusing on a little bit today a little bit about what I have learned up until now and just reflecting on life and maybe included in there a little bit of some of my life updates. Not because I think I'm the most interesting person in the world, purely because I feel like when I share real stuff, a lot of people relate to it and I think that so many of us feel alone or feel like what's going on for us is, you know, we're the only ones that experience that, we're the only ones that have that problem. There's something uniquely wrong with us when so many of us are having the same issues. So, from that perspective, I think it's good to share when and what I'm comfortable with sharing. So that's what I'm going to be doing with you today. So I want to start by talking about some of the things that I have learned in life. I have learned that good people are worth their weight in gold and spending time and energy on people is worthwhile. It's not just about what you do, but it's who you do it with. That really does matter. And when you have good people around you, you'll also find that when it hits the fan which it will in life, because life happens that the people that you have around, the people who stick around, you'll know who your friends are. So it is good to invest in people, but you don't necessarily need a lot of them, but you just need a handful of good people in your life. If you have that, it's worth its weight in gold and it's worth investing in. It's worth investing in for so many reasons because we benefit from doing for others.

Fiona Kane: 2:45

What I have learned as well is that people talk about happiness and trying to find happiness, and I've learned it's not really about trying to find happiness. Happiness is ultimately, it's a choice that we choose to be happy with what we have or we don't. But also, happiness actually comes from what you do. It comes from belonging somewhere and being needed and doing things for other people and having gratitude and just being connected to your community. So the happiness comes as a byproduct of what you do and what you're involved in and doing kind things for other people and just taking part in the world. It's not something that you kind of sit around and think about how can I be happy? It's more of an action. So it's actually taking action and doing things and choosing who to spend your time with and that sort of thing, as opposed to kind of a place that you arrive at.

Fiona Kane: 3:44

I don't think happiness is a place that you arrive at. Happiness is just something we have, and we have it in moments and other times we have sadness and we have all different emotions, which is perfectly fine. But it's not about really trying to be happy. I think it's more about trying to find meaning, find some sort of meaning and feel it was worthwhile, feel that life is worthwhile, whatever that looks like for you, and so I think happiness might be the wrong word there. But essentially to do that, it's useful to have people in your court, because it's the people who are around you who will hold you accountable but who will also support you. So it's good to have someone who can kick you in the bum when you need it, tell you the truth when you really need to hear the truth, but also will sit and cry with you or sit and allow you to cry and will sit with a cuppa and bitch about the world, but also who will say, all right, now, get back out there, sort of thing. So it's great to have people in your life and also it gives you meaning outside of yourself. And the same, obviously, with having children.

Fiona Kane: 4:49

That wasn't for me, it didn't happen for me, but having children also is a great way to get you outside of yourself and stop navel-gazing and start thinking about others. And the more we think about others, the more meaning I think we can have in our lives. That it's about other people, it's not only about us. That gives us that sense of belonging, that sense of being needed, and I think a good amount of what's the word perspective as well, and just getting us, like I said, out of our navel gazing and looking at there's other people in the world and there's other people who have needs and there's other issues, and so it just sort of gets you outside of yourself and I think being a parent is a good opportunity to grow up to, if you use it that way, kids really hold a mirror up to you, give a good opportunity to grow up to. If you use it that way, kids really hold a mirror up to you, give you a chance to grow up. That wasn't for me, but I'm certainly an auntie and because of the type of work I do, I am in a mothering role for a lot of people. I suppose I hold that space for people. So I still use my mother energy, just not in the way that many women do, and that's okay. That's just how it is right.

Fiona Kane: 6:03

What I have learned as well is that life is shorter than you think. 53 just happened. It feels like in a flash. So tell the people that you love them, that you love them. They won't be around forever. They won't be around forever, and you won't be around forever either. So do what you need to do, say what you need to say, be where you need to be, because, yeah, life is really shorter than really what you think it is going to be. And on that note too, I will say that I am so grateful because I have friends and loved ones who didn't make it as old as I am, so you know I'm really grateful that I got here, so I'm always proud to say my age. I'm 53. That's okay. I just, like I've said before, there was a time where I didn't think I was going to make it to 30. So being 53 is an achievement and I'm okay with that, so that's fine. So being 53 is an achievement and I'm okay with that, so that's fine. Don't feel the need to hide about who I am or about my age.

Fiona Kane: 7:01

The other thing that I have learned and I was sort of touched on it there as well but you know, gratitude is essential, honestly being grateful for what you have. It's kind of like I've seen so many people over my lifetime people with what some people would consider to be nothing through, people with what would appear to be everything, and so many unhappy people who appear to have everything. I think gratitude goes a really long way, because you could have everything, but you just don't see it. And if you don't see it, you don't have anything. But also having everything you know, inverted commas, everything um, what is everything? So for a lot of people, having everything is stuff, but they might have all the stuff or not the people, or they've got the people, but they're not real people. They're kind of just hangers-on-ers who are there because the stuff is available, you know. So, um, excuse me, I'll just have a sip of my tea.

Fiona Kane: 8:00

Something else I've learned in my life a good cup of tea in a nice cup cures all ills. So tea is a big part of my life. I love my tea and, yeah, it really is Lovely tea ceremony, lovely cup of tea. It's very healing for me, very calming and very healing. So the next thing that I wanted to and look on that note of talking about sort of being 53 and having gratitude is just learning how to be present in your body and have gratitude for your body and be happy in your body and have gratitude for your body and be happy in your body.

Fiona Kane: 8:37

And that's tough. Look, I will be really honest about that one. That is something that I have struggled with my whole life. I have ups and downs, I go through different phases. I've been all different weights and my weight is up again at this point in my life, which I do find to be really depressing. That's really tough. But, to be honest, when I've been really slim, I haven't necessarily been happy because I'm slim, and now I'm not, and I'm not happy about that either. So it's kind of it's. And as a woman in particular, I don't know. I think men have similar challenges now too I'm just speaking on my behalf. It can be hard, and it's particularly hard in a world where I work in the health industry. I'm a nutritionist, so being an overweight nutritionist is kind of not, it's not a good selling point, it's not a good advertising point, right. So that's something I've struggled with in my lifetime.

Fiona Kane: 9:34

And, look, I suppose what I've learned is I've learned to at the very least have a respect relationship with my body. So the longest relationship you're going to have in your lifetime is with you and your body. So at least develop a really good, healthy respect for it. And I do respect my body and I think there's things I love about my body. I love what my body can do and when I can go for my walk and when I can do that and I'm not in pain and I enjoy my walk, I'm grateful that I can do that right. So I'm grateful about different aspects of my body and I'm grateful that when I speak to people every day and see situations every day and so many people with so many health issues and so much pain and so much going on. So when, um, when my body is going pretty well and doing, doing well overall, I have a real gratitude for that right right. So there is a gratitude about my body. I have gratitude for it. I have a respect for it, sometimes I love it and I love parts of it and sometimes I don't.

Fiona Kane: 10:43

I've had a love-hate relationship, I will be honest, but I always have a respect for it and I'm just trying to manage my feelings about my body, shape and size and I think that it's just good to manage my feelings about my body, shape and size. I think that it's just good to be honest about that because I have written about losing weight and achieving health and this, and that I think if I just pretended that the story ended there, I lost the weight and I was doing better with my health and then went into menopause and dealt with the death of my mother and a whole lot of grief and a whole lot of challenging situations in my life, I put on weight around. All of that I did. It's just how it is. So I just want to be honest about that because I feel like it's worth being honest and I think it's a challenge that many of us have and I see a lot of women as we go into menopause going through this challenge. And it's a few things because it's menopause, but it's also a lot of the challenge we have at this time because when you are dealing with aging parents and the death of loved ones and parents and your own mortality and your own health issues, and so much happens at this age, at this time in life, that contributes to levels of stress and the stress itself affects your hormones and affects your weight, and then you add to it that you're more likely to emotionally eat those kinds of things as well. So I'm not saying it just happened to me, I haven't contributed to it, but it's been a combination of those things. Sorry about that. Just another sip of tea.

Fiona Kane: 12:26

So, yeah, anyway, I have a respect for my body and I really have an appreciation for a lot of things it's done and it does. Sometimes I feel resentful about it, sometimes I feel happy about it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel sad, and other times I look in the mirror. I feel a level of acceptance. I don't know. It is what it is, but I'm just being honest that I'm a woman in this world who struggles with that and has my ups and downs with it. But overall I have a respect for my body and appreciation of it and I think that's a good, healthy place to start. And if you can have a love of your body, that's wonderful. If you can't, but you can respect it, that's good as well. And I just accept that my value doesn't relate to my weight. So again, as a nutritionist, that can be hard, but I don't think, I really don't believe that my value as a human being goes up and down. When my weight goes up and down, other things change. It might change aspects around my health and different challenges I have, but it does not change my value as a human being.

Fiona Kane: 13:30

I do know that and I know that for other people as well. It's so funny we can believe it so much more for other people than for ourselves. But I do know that to be true and I'm at where I'm at. That is where it is. What I've also learned is nutrition does have a great healing power and I've used that throughout the last 25 years or so and it really is true. And I've used that throughout the last 25 years or so and it really is true, the way I eat makes a really big difference to how I feel, and how I feel emotionally, how I feel physically, all of those things. So nutrition is really powerful and is amazing. We sometimes use it as a weapon against ourself a lot of the language around nutrition, but nutrition itself. Nutrition is about nourishment and it is really powerful and is a really big part of my life and I really appreciate good nutrition and what it brings to me. And overall, even though I'm having challenges with my weight and some other health issues right now, my nutrition overall is still very good, or mostly very good, right, I'm human, but it's very good.

Fiona Kane: 14:36

So the next thing I wanted to talk about as well is not being too concerned about what other people think about you, and this can be a tough one, and I think it's one of those things. There's a balance, right, because if nobody likes you anywhere that you ever go and everyone ostracizes you and people are telling you all the time that you're hard to be around and you're mean or whatever, then maybe there's a bit of self-reflection there. Sometimes you are the common denominator and sometimes we do need to change our behavior. So I'm all for being open to constructive feedback and understanding what we're doing wrong in relationships and if we can be a better person. Absolutely so. From that side of things, yes, great. But from the other side of things, the truth is that there'll always be people who dislike you. There'll be people who are jealous of you, threatened by you, just simply don't like you whatever. It's just how it is.

Fiona Kane: 15:33

And there also might be people who feel the need to paint you as the bad guy in their story because they need a bad guy and they don't want it to be them, because they don't want to take responsibility. So they will paint you as the bad guy in their story and you have no control over that. You really have no control over whether someone chooses to paint you as hero or devil, or the bad guy or the good guy or the whatever. Sometimes you get cast as a good guy in someone's story as well, and that's not always the best thing either, because then you somehow expect to be some sort of hero. But basically, people do cast you in their stories and they cast you in different roles and you don't have to accept or take on the role, but you also you can't. People have their own narrative, their own story. You let them. Sometimes you just have to let them have their stories because it's their story. They're allowed to tell whatever story they want to, I suppose, as long as it doesn't get to the point of actually you know legal stuff as in defamation or whatever.

Fiona Kane: 16:32

But generally speaking, people can tell the story they want about you. They can choose to tell whatever story they want to themselves, about you and who you are, and you don't have a lot of control over that except just to be who you are and be the best person you can be, and some people will really appreciate that and love you and respect you for it, and other people will quite the opposite. They just will not appreciate it and not a lot you can do about that. Unfortunately, you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea and there's a whole bunch of reasons why some people just might not like you and when you think about it, there's people that you don't like as well. So they're allowed to not like you and it's getting okay with that as time goes on. It's kind of going oh well, that's all right, not everyone likes you. So just being okay with that, having acceptance of that, I think is really really useful.

Fiona Kane: 17:20

So the next thing I wanted to talk about is you know, life, sometimes we think it's about the big things. I've talked about this before. And there are the big things. There are like things like your wedding or big holidays and stuff, and they're great and it's great to, or big holidays and stuff, and they're great and it's great to have those things in life and they're great moments. But sometimes it's about the little moments. I've found that in my own life, in times of grief and and and times of, you know, dealing with, um, you know, end of life stuff and real stuff, the the real hard stuff.

Fiona Kane: 17:55

That it's the little moments, that it's the moment where you sat and laughed about something, or it's the moment that you noticed a butterfly, or it's the moment that you listened to a song together, or it's the moment that you were just present with somebody. That's the little moments. Sometimes in life end up being the ones that really stick in your mind and the ones that really can be quite life-changing as well. So don't be so busy looking for the big moments and the big things and the fireworks and whatever, to miss the small things, because life really is about all the small things connected together and the big things can be great, but it's kind of about all the small stuff. So don't miss that, don't not notice it, because it's there, it's all around you and we miss the small moments, just that, that moment where you just have a connection with another human being, or that moment where you have a connection with whether it's God's spirit, whatever it is, for you yourself, whatever a connection with the world, with the, you know, connection with the moon and with the sun, with the plants, whatever it is. But just as moments in life, uh, don't, um, don't miss them because you're so busy waiting for the big things or expecting big, wonderful things to happen and you're missing the small things that are just right there in front of you every day. And it's also those small things, noticing them and observing them, that helps you stay more positive and maintain gratitude, because sometimes we only see the bad things or the negative things, whatever it is, and that sort of is like being present in the moment. It can be one of the hardest things in life, but learning how to be present in the moment is really powerful, because the more present we be, the more we will notice those things and observe things and be really sort of have a lot more peace around things as well.

Fiona Kane: 19:49

I've also learned in my life that it is okay to ask for help you don't know everything, I don't know everything and it's okay to admit you're wrong. It's okay to admit that you failed with something. It's okay to just admit that you don't know about something. You don't understand something. You need help with something. Know about something. You don't understand something. You need help with something, whatever it is. We can't all be everything and so it is okay to ask for help. So many of us don't like to do that, but it is okay to do that.

Fiona Kane: 20:21

And a lot of my younger life was about sort of gathering and collecting and armoring myself up. But a lot of my life in the last few years has been about putting down the armor somewhat and being more vulnerable. And yeah, it's important. It can be challenging, but it's important that we know that armor's not always the way to go. The challenging thing about life is there's a lot of loss and grief in life, but the reason there's loss and grief is because there's also great loves and a lot of great joy can come with great love, and without one you don't have the other, so you can armour yourself up and not experience the love and not experience the joy, and probably have less grief. But then is that life? Is that a good life? I don't know. I'm in my opinion no, but up to you. I'll let you decide that one for yourself. But I've been putting my armor down more and just as I do that, I feel like I step into my power in a different way.

Fiona Kane: 21:23

The other thing, the other kind of update health update I wanted to talk about because, again, it's just important I think that other people go through health update. I wanted to talk about because, again, it's just important I think that other people go through this and I want to talk about it as well. Is, you know, I've been having challenges with exercise and with I need to build more muscle and as I've been doing that, what's happened is I've had a flare-up of a lot of pain. I've had a flare-up of a lot of pain and I'm at the moment sort of working with a specialist for a diagnosis of what's going on. It looks like it might be fibromyalgia, I'm not sure, but it certainly seems like that, based on the symptoms.

Fiona Kane: 22:02

But it's really challenging because I work really hard to build myself up and to get my health on track and on track off track. I tell people not to use that language, but anyway, I work hard to build myself up and to get my health on track and on track off track. I tell people not to use that language, but anyway, I work hard to build up my health and then I have setbacks. I continually have these setbacks where I have these flare-ups of pain and things that happen. And a couple of weeks ago I fell down the stairs and I think I broke my toe and hurt everything quite a lot. Not as in sorry, no, I'll rephrase that. I didn't break anything. I was just in pain a lot for a couple of weeks, right, so just rephrasing that. But yes, it was very painful and so frustrating and so much of what I see with my clients as well.

Fiona Kane: 22:47

It's the same thing. It's like you feel like you go one step forward, three steps back and life can be like that and health can be like that managing your health and staying well and it can be really hard because you feel like you're not getting anywhere, you feel like you're failing and it's very frustrating and I acknowledge all of that for all of you, because I know many of you experience that and I acknowledge all of that for all of you, because I know many of you experience that and I acknowledge that for myself but all you can do is just do the next thing and just do the next thing and just do the next thing and practice self-care. And sometimes self-care. The last couple of weeks has looked like me not doing any exercise because I was in pain and my body needed to recover. Sometimes it looks like doing a walk, but doing a smaller walk, whatever it is. But we need to practice self-care and it's not I would like it to mean doing weights at the gym and different things that I'd like to be doing, but that's not always the feasible thing at the time.

Fiona Kane: 23:41

And so I just want to acknowledge that I'm having those kind of challenges in my life at the moment, with different flare-ups of different health conditions and trying to figure out what some of them are and learn different ways of managing it and if there's better ways for me to approach exercise, and I'm thinking about that, exploring different things. But yeah, I just wanted to talk about that, mention that because I know that you I talk to a lot of people and a lot of you have the same challenges, and I just wanted to acknowledge that we're all human and we all do. Most of us do have those challenges, or eventually we do, and I don't have the great big answer for you except, like all challenges in life, you just have to be present with where you're at, be realistic about where you're at, and then work out what the next thing is, and then what's the next thing, and then what's the next thing, and just continue on that path, because what else do you do? Or the only other option is to give up. Um, you know, is to work yourself so hard that you hurt yourself more, or give up, and that's hurting yourself more as well, because, um, if you don't use it, you lose it, and I, you know I'm going to be talking more about this and I have talked about it in the past, but the importance of muscle and bone and things like that as we get older, and the fact that actually last year, I had my bone density checked and, um, and it was really good and I think that's probably what saved me when I fell down my stairs is that, um, I didn't break anything. Uh, so far, I think my toe, although it seems to have healed. So I don't know if it was really badly bruised or if it was broken, but I didn't break anything largely, or only one small thing. If it was my toe and I think a big part of that was because I have really good bone density, so that nutrition is really important and moving my body, so all of those things are important. I'm not prepared to give them up. It's just about adjusting them and changing my expectations at different times and doing the best I can, which is what I encourage you to do as well.

Fiona Kane: 25:36

Now my sister sent me this little parable that I'd seen before, but I had a little reminder of it and I wanted to end with this because I just think it's lovely. It's a little girl telling this parable and I think it's a good story, a good life lesson. So it's about two wolves, and one wolf is about light and hope and the other one is about dark and despair. And the question in life is which wolf wins? And the answer to that is whichever wolf you feed? And the answer to that is whichever wolf you feed, the one you feed is the one that wins. So if you feed that darkness and despair, it wins. If you feed light and hope, it wins right. And that's essentially what I'm trying to do in my life at the moment is, even when things come up that kind of really drag you down and make you feel depressed and really kind of make you go oh, what's the point, why am I doing this? I have my moment where I feel sorry for myself, and that's fine. I have my tantrum and I have my moment, but then I choose to feed the wolf of hope and light and that it'll be okay and that's the one I feed. So have an awareness of which wolf in your life are you feeding and that might give you a good idea of the results you're getting, based on which one you're feeding. Anyway, I will leave it at that.

Fiona Kane: 27:04

Happy birthday to me, 53 now, and this is really kind of me just sharing whatever wisdom I happen to have with those 53 years. And you know, maybe you relate. I'd love to hear you know what's going on for you. And if you relate to my two steps forward and three steps back thing in regards to health and exercise, it can be really challenging, but that's okay. You just keep on keeping on and just do what you can do. So that's all we can do.

Fiona Kane: 27:32

So I would also just like to say, for those of you who are like, if you're on YouTube or Rumble, you can certainly leave me a reply, and if you, wherever you are, if you're on a podcast platform, please just like and subscribe and share and tell other people about my podcast. And uh, and thank you for listening to this episode and sharing uh with me, sharing my my birthday week with me, uh, just uh, yeah, talking about what I've learned up until now, and I'm happy if you want to share with me any of your life lessons as well. I'd love to hear about them and uh, and thanks for all of your support and I will talk to you all again next week. Thanks so much, bye.