One Of The Most Feminist Things We Can Do

In this episode we are talking about one of the most feminist things we can do. 

Continuing our series on motherhood, but this episode is not just for moms, it's for all of us because we are talking about how we can make space for motherhood and why making space for that in our culture and honoring mothers and motherhood is the most feminist thing we can do.

Transcript

Welcome to a woman is Podcast. I'm your host, Shayla Raymond. While y'all May is a whole thing, if you are in the season of life where you have kids in school of any age, it's crazy. There's awards ceremonies and final performances and sports tournaments and end of year parties and spirit weeks and teacher appreciation and graduations, and it's awesome and plain exhausting. I don't know about you, but here we are. By the time this episode airs, we're on the finish line of May, and it's been mayhem, that's for sure. So congratulations on making it through the month of May. And somewhere in there we have Mother's Day and we celebrate mothers. And so I thought it would be a good idea to take the whole month to honor mothers and interview different types of mothers, but you know what? Moms are busy, including this one. And so some of our interviews had to be pushed back, and the podcast schedule got mixed up. And I just realized I had to take a minute to honor my own motherhood. And in that moment and just be okay with the schedule getting weird and realized I actually have some things to say about motherhood all by myself. And I actually really want so much so often to bring other women on here with their amazing stories and make space for their stories to be heard. But I thought for this episode, I would just take some time to share some things on my mind on this topic. And before we get started today, I just want to say to women who have chosen not to become mothers or women who have wanted to become mothers but been unable to, or if you're a young woman who hasn't yet entered your motherhood era, I just want to say that this episode is for you, too. And the reason for that is that I believe that one of the most feminist things we can do, one of the most pro woman things we can do, is to honor motherhood and support mothers. And so we're going to get into that. But I do feel like it's something all of us can do, whether or not we have children. And so I don't want you to feel like you can't listen to this whole series on motherhood, but especially this episode if you're in that camp and you're like, oh, man, they're talking about mothers again, I'm not interested. I'm not a mom. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to hear about it. And I would just encourage you to stay engaged and keep an open mind because I do think this message is not just for moms. This message is for all of us. And honoring and elevating motherhood doesn't diminish you or your womanhood if you're not a mom. And I do want to say that I have a heart for all different aspects of womanhood. And so there will be future episodes digging deeper into honoring all aspects of womanhood that don't include motherhood and the types of mothers that don't have biological children. And for those who desperately want to become mothers and have not been able to, we will be making space here to talk about those things too. But I do think motherhood is being dismissed and its value is being diminished, particularly in our Western culture. And I think that that's not serving us well as a whole. There's so many kinds of mothers. There's birth mothers, foster mothers, adoptive grieving, spiritual, single moms, stepmoms, hopeful mothers. And there are so many ways in which women mother. And it comes from things that make us uniquely female, that enable us to be nurturing, caregivers, even if we don't consider ourselves as nurturing, even if the way you mother doesn't look like the way you think it's supposed to. There is something we bring as females to those we mother, whether they're children that are from our bodies or not. And I watched this video recently where this woman was talking about why do we always say when a woman produces something and in this case she was talking specifically about a book, she wrote a book, she's like, it could be any creative thing that a woman puts out there. Why do we always say she birthed it and it's her baby? And she's like, this isn't a baby. This is my book I created from my brain because I'm a creative person. And part of that I really agreed with. We don't typically say that to a man that creates something or wrote a book that he birthed it and it's his book baby. And so that's a valid thought, right? I agreed with a lot of that. But kind of aside as like an ending of her video, there was this comment she made that was just this offhanded comment that basically dismissed motherhood as not a super important aspect of being a woman. And the fact that women have babies is an arbitrary, non important thing that a woman may or may not do. And it was just a short comment, but the tone to me felt very dismissive, and it kind of pinged me because I'm hearing this in a time when I'm dedicating this month to honor motherhood on the podcast. And it just reminded me of why I want to make space to honor motherhood. And it's because there's like this weird consensus of diminishing motherhood in our society. And it's frustrating. It seems to me that in so many ways we've relegated motherhood to a mere speed bump. That it's in the way of our road towards empowerment and to fulfillment as women. That motherhood is just this little unimportant thing that slows us down, that gets in the way of our evolution, or just kind of a sidebar to what she does or who she is. That's actually a productive contribution to the world. And there's this sense of devaluing the role that motherhood has in our society. And that kind of attitude about motherhood or towards motherhood, it makes it motherhood more difficult for those who have chosen to mother, but it's even more damaging than that. And what we value is what we make space for. And I really don't think we are making space for motherhood, so we're not valuing it. And women can be empowered whether they choose to have children or not. And it not ever. Becoming pregnant doesn't take away how divine your femininity is, because womanhood is powerful for so many reasons beyond motherhood. But our ability to create life and bring forth life is one of our most powerful and uniquely feminine gifts. Only women with female bodies can get pregnant and give birth. And when we ignore that or relegate that as something unimportant, we're not helping anyone. Honoring motherhood does not devalue your womanhood if you are not a mother, but it does devalue womanhood as a whole, not to honor it. Honoring the biological realities of women, our bodies, our cycles, it matters. And when we devalue and shun motherhood, we're shunning all of those unique things that make women women. And that's why I believe we really need to view women's bodies and the things that women's bodies do, not as inconveniences or weaknesses, but recognizing that those uniquely female things are our power. Conceiving carrying birthing and nourishing a baby is something only a female body can do. It's something only a woman can do. And that's why I believe it's the ultimate expression of feminism to honor and support mothers. And I know feminism is a loaded word, and it means so many different things to so many people, and there's many waves of feminism and types of feminism, different classifications. But when I am using this word feminism, I mean being for women, being in support of women, women as a whole, not just myself as an individual woman. And I think true feminism acknowledges and uplifts those biological realities of being female and works to support a space where the needs of those biological realities are met and creates opportunities for women to rise to their highest potential as women. It's honoring what makes women different. And I think it's interesting that the message that I've seen communicated most of my life, especially the last 20 years, is that this pinnacle of feminism, the highest standard of women's rights and true women's empowerment, comes when I have full access to end my pregnancy. And that ending a pregnancy is what makes a woman empowered, makes a woman powerful, and that the ultimate feminism, is that right to an abortion? And you can argue that's not the point of it, really, but it kind of is. And if you look at the design of the female body, her biology is centered on conceiving carrying birthing and nourishing babies. Everything about our design, our menstrual cycles, all that stuff, a woman's body is uniquely designed to bring forth life and to birth. And so prioritizing ending pregnancy as the pinnacle of feminism, it's against our nature. It's completely against the way the female body was designed. And so to truly be a feminist and be pro female and pro woman, wouldn't the pinnacle of that be elevating the thing that actually makes us uniquely female, to celebrate our female bodies, to understand our cycles and our bleeding, and to embrace our pregnancy and breastfeeding. And I am not talking about the typical arguments for or against abortion. I am talking about that being the standard of female liberation. And as long as that is the standard of female liberation, I don't know that we'll ever be fully liberated, because that standard goes against our nature. If the biological reality of female bodies is that we're designed to be life bringers and to carry and bring forth life inside our bodies, then ending life inside our bodies is against our design. It's just another way we are at war with our body. I talked in the very first episode about how we're surrounded with messages that declare war on our bodies. And all the complexities surrounding abortion are another way women are at war with our bodies. We're fighting against them. And I'm not making a statement on the legality or morality of abortion. I am taking issue with making abortion as the standard for female liberation. And that setting that right to end a pregnancy as the most important part of feminism. I would say it's the opposite. It's not pro woman at all. And that the standard for female liberation should be liberating us to be fully female, liberating us into things that are only for females. And one of the biggest things is motherhood. And that's why honoring that space, even if you choose not to be a mother yourself, honoring motherhood and elevating the support of motherhood as being the standard for female liberation, I think then women will start to be free. I am not saying every woman should have a baby or have as many babies as possible. I am saying let's not dismiss those who do choose to have babies as less than let's honor motherhood. I believe that if women are truly going to thrive and truly become empowered, our collective narrative has to shift to honor motherhood, to honor women's bodies and their biological function. And that's why I believe that honoring motherhood is one of the most feminist things we can do. Motherhood is beautiful and good and full of joy and so rewarding. But if it were only those things, it actually wouldn't be so valuable. Yes, motherhood is a beautiful treasure, and yes, it is the hardest, most self sacrificing, monotonous, exhausting thing you will ever do. And that's why mothers are so valuable, because mothering is so damn hard. Mothers are tired. And right now there are statistics showing that mothers are unhappier than they've ever been. And I would argue that so much of that is connected to how we devalue mothers in our culture especially our western culture. Motherhood is hard enough but it's made harder without support and across the board our society. We're not making room for motherhood in a way that truly supports mothers. Whether it's from dismissive comments that communicate that motherhood is irrelevant to the corporations that aren't making space for women. We're making it very clear in our society that we do not value women because we don't make space for their mothering. And the biological realities of that. For example there's a lack of appropriate maternity leave. I just heard the statistic that one in four women has to return to work within ten days of giving birth. Okay? That's not good for the baby or the mother. And the biological realities that come with having a baby they're seen as an inconvenience. And so if we value motherhood we make space for motherhood by giving extensive parental leave by making space for breastfeeding. By making space for the biological realities of motherhood. And there's this story that I heard recently that happened a few years ago to Alison Felix. She won eleven Olympic medals. She's the most decorated female track and field athlete in Olympic history and she was sponsored by Nike. And in 2018 she was negotiating her contract with them. And Nike offered her 70% less pay than her previous contract because she was pregnant. And she had put into her negotiation clauses that she wanted some support some maternity protections and guarantees that she wouldn't be punished if she couldn't perform in the same way in those months surrounding her childbirth. And not only did they not honor her request they offered her 70% less money. So they weren't making space for motherhood. And I did hear that because she brought that to light it kind of forced Nike to change some of their maternity policies moving forward with others. But then Alison Felix she took matters into her own hands and in a very badass move she started her own shoe company by women and four women called Sash. And that's pretty awesome and just making space for motherhood in her corporation. And that's just one example that I just happened to recently hear about but I know there's countless examples like this and Reishmasujani she's the CEO of Moms First which is this organization that's fighting for different rights for women in the workplace and for funding for parenthood. And she says we don't value what we don't pay for. And so as long as caregiving and household work is uncompensated it's basically invisible and goes unnoticed unappreciated and worst of all unsupported. And so that's true and we do need to recognize that. But I would also argue that the work of mothers is more than caregiving and household work. It's not just about changing diapers and preparing meals. It's about nurturing and shaping the future of humanity. I came across this quote recently from Adelaide Meadow that says women are the creators of culture because culture begins with family, and family begins with the mother baby. And when you think about it, everyone on Earth is a mother or a child. So that connection is where culture starts. Mothers are the first teachers of their children. They contribute significantly to the development of society. And therefore, we need to make space for motherhood, provide mothers with the support they need to fulfill their roles effectively, like through maternity leave, so mothers and newborns can bond and adjust to the demands of motherhood, like creating environments that support breastfeeding mothers. There's so much honor given to women who are conquering areas that have previously been dominated by men, and that's great. But what about honoring women for doing things that only a woman can do? And we need to recognize the magic of our feminine power and not see it as a weakness. Motherhood isn't a hindrance to women's empowerment. It's a form of empowerment itself. Mothers raise the future leaders of society. They contribute immensely to the development of their communities. So we need to celebrate mothers. Another way we make space for motherhood is in our own mothering journeys. And if you are a mother or if you're planning to become a mother, just honoring that. I wanted to share a little bit of my own motherhood journey. When I was a young woman, I heard someone say I think it was actually Oprah, she said, you can have it all, but you cannot have it all at the same time. And that really stuck with me. And I remembered that. And to be honest, it's helped me live my life in seasons, in the seasons of womanhood. So when I entered my motherhood season, or as we would probably call it today, my motherhood era, I went all in. I dove into my motherhood era because I knew it was just that, an era or a season. And I can tell you, especially now, being closer to the end of that era than the beginning with my kids being older teenagers, I really recognize that it is just a short time, this motherhood season. And obviously that depends on how many kids you have and their age differences and all that. But I just knew that because there's different seasons in a woman's life and I knew I couldn't do it all at once, that this was my motherhood season, this was my motherhood era. So when I dove in and gave myself to that and I've had plenty of other things I've done and gone on and plenty of things that have gone on during these last 17 years. But motherhood has been my priority that I've put above other things. And that's been hard. And it doesn't mean I've gotten it all right. It doesn't mean I've done it perfectly. I've tried to be as present as possible. And when I started out before my first was born, I didn't give a lot of thought to whether or not I would work outside the home or not. But after she was born, this insane love was also born. And I knew that I needed to do whatever I could to be present to her as possible. And that's not always gone the way that I've wanted it to. And it's been hard. It's meant less money, for one thing. And so I would argue that part of supporting motherhood as a form of feminism looks like finding ways for our society to make space for motherhood where it isn't so hard and where it isn't so financially difficult. Creating an economic system where you don't have to financially struggle to be able to spend more time with your kids, creating more community and support and more of a village for mothers. And I think if our society valued mothering more, I think we would see more of that. But this mindset of looking at it as a season really enabled me to recognize and honor my motherhood. Because when the days felt long or the current moment of mothering was hard, I was able to recognize, you know what? Not far in the future, there's going to be a day when I won't have to do this thing or that thing that's hard. There's going to be a day when I'm going to get to do whatever I want and focus on this thing or do that adventure, and there's going to be time to make more money or create more things and have more adventures. So that enabled me to just honor that moment that I was in. And I waited till I was 28 to have kids. For some that might seem young, for some that might seem old, but I felt like it was just right for me. I was young enough that it was easier on my body, but I was also old enough to have lived adventures and had some accomplishments and experiences, and then I lived that era then, and so now I can live this motherhood era. And that helped me so much, just recognizing that. We heard from in the first episode on this series of motherhood. A handful of the mothers mentioned that it was their dream, that they always dreamed of being a mom, and they played with baby dolls and that's all they ever wanted to do was be a mom. And that's not who I was. That was not my story. That was not my dream. I was very ambitious. I had all kinds of goals and things I wanted to do, but I always knew I wanted a family. I never thought, I don't want kids, but I wasn't the girl who always had to hold the babies. I wasn't really into little kids. I'm still not into little kids. And I think babies are cute, but I'm not like the one trying to hold everybody's babies. And so I wasn't really a kid person. I was probably more of a teenage person because I worked with a lot of teenagers and young adults and enjoyed that. And I did know that I wanted marriage and kids. But motherhood has actually been quite transformational for me. And when I got pregnant for the first time, it was the first time that I truly loved my body. It was the first time that I just embraced it and I felt like I was in my body. And there's so much talk nowadays about being embodied and not being disassociated from our bodies and how to embody womanhood by coming into our female bodies and recognizing our power. And I recognize that not all women are going to resonate with my story. And it might be unique and there's many different ways to embody womanhood. But the time in my life when I was the most embodied and the most connected to my body, where I actually experienced that for the first time, was when I was pregnant. It was the first time I felt genuine love for my body. And that might sound odd because a lot of women are the opposite when they're pregnant. They feel like their body's being violated and taken over and they don't like the changes happening. But that wasn't my experience and I don't know why. Maybe I'm short waisted and maybe I finally had an excuse to have a belly and I've always had a smaller chest and I finally had boobs for the first time. Maybe that's part of what it was, but I don't know. I was really proud of my body, and I'm eight months pregnant, wearing bikinis and pigtails, and I was feeling myself. I was like, I'm cute. And I felt good about my body and I was in touch with it. I was in touch with how I felt. And that's when I started paying so much more attention to what I put into my body, what I was eating, what I was drinking, feeling more connected to my body and my femininity. But the most empowering moment for me as a woman, the most empowered I've ever felt as a female, was birthing my children. And I know not everyone has some great birth story. I know that some people have horrible experiences or mediocre experiences and there's so much space for those stories to be told. But because I had such an empowering experience, I'm passionate about sharing what's possible, what our bodies are capable of. And the most empowered I ever felt distinctly as a woman, distinctly in my femininity, was when I was giving birth. I felt like I could literally do anything. And I wasn't on drugs. I had a natural birth at home, and I was the only one who could birth that baby in that moment. It wasn't something I could hand over to someone else. And it was such a transformative experience. And because I had that experience, I wanted that for every woman. I wanted every woman to know that kind of empowerment. And I had wonderful pregnancies and wonderful births. And I know that wonderful doesn't mean easy, wonderful doesn't mean pain free, doesn't mean without any problems, but it was a gift of an experience. Another aspect of my femininity that I came into when I became a mother was well, there's this expression, I'm not sure where it comes from, that when a child is born, the mother is born. And it's so true. You're kind of born in that moment as a mother, and there's this love that you don't know until that moment happens that you experience when you become a mom. And that concept, it's like, that means that when my first baby is one years old, I'm only a one year old mom. So it gave me a lot of grace, thinking, oh, I'm only this many in mom years or mom months when I was a new mom. It gives you this grace for yourself. But also what came with that when the mother in me was born was an intuition. I became so aware of my intuition. And women have a powerful sense of intuition that's more intense, I believe, than what men have. And I'm sure there's many ways to explain that. And we will research that for future episodes, because I definitely plan on talking about women's intuition in more depth. But when I came a mother, that was one of the biggest lessons I learned in those first few months of my child's life. Like, whoa, this mother's intuition thing is real, and I need to trust that. And there were moments that I doubted it and regretted it, decisions I made in that doubt. But my daughter was sick in her early months. Something happened, and I just intuitively knew what was going on, and I was right. And it just taught me to trust, oh, I'm really in tune to this baby. I'm in tune to my body and her body, and this intuition thing is real. And so those are just some of the ways that I experienced more empowerment as a woman in my motherhood and becoming a mother in that whole experience. For me, becoming a mother, it's like having a piece of your heart just walking around outside of your body, and it feels vulnerable and scary and amazing. And for me, the best part of motherhood, it's just been watching these humans grow into the people that they are, and they're just their own individual people, and they're so different from each other, and they're like you, but they're different from you, and it's just amazing. Mothering has been one of the things I'm the most grateful for. And experiencing being a mom, it's just one of my most favorite things that I've ever gotten to do. It's truly a gift that I'm thankful for every day. Watching them grow and being an integral part of that and building relationships with them. It's been a priceless experience. But the hardest thing well, one of the hardest things has probably been realizing that this control is an illusion and I can't protect them well, and I shouldn't always protect them from everything. And another thing has been the challenge of finding that right balance of caring for them and caring for myself. And there is a constant battle of reminding myself of my purpose, reminding myself that mothering these kids is super valuable, even if no one is noticing, even if no one is thanking me that devoting myself to this motherhood era is enough, that I am enough. Motherhood is not just enough. It's more than enough. And when we devalue motherhood itself as not being a productive member of society or not really doing anything, there's this invisible pressure put on mothers to be productive. And they also know, well, I need to be present to my children. And so it just makes motherhood a very tiring job, and it's already a tiring job, and we're making it more exhausting because we feel like we're never enough. And there's all these voices and messages telling us we got to achieve this or do this or contribute this to society or that. Motherhood isn't really achieving anything, and it's not that valuable. And I watched this video of this woman. She was saying so many amazing things about the history of feminism and about how our different gender roles evolved, and it was enlightening, and she had a lot of great things to say, but then she would throw out comments like and when she was stuck at home doing nothing and I'm like, I'm sorry, don't you mean to say when she was at home focused on her mothering, and when she was at home focused on being a mom, she was not at home doing nothing and having no purpose and having no value? And it's like, there's this idea among a lot of people that mothering or being at home, it's doing nothing, and it's insignificant, and it's not really contributing, and it's not feeling productive. And yes, sometimes motherhood is boring. Sometimes it's horrible, but it is valuable, and it is important work. And when we create this thing where we make mothers feel like their work isn't valuable, it's not helping anyone. And I'm not talking about, like, stay at home mom versus working mom types. I've been both. I've been everything in between. I've been a working mom, a stay at home mom, a part time mom, a work from home mom. It's all hard, and I'm not relegating one as more valuable. But when we are relegating motherhood as this insignificant thing, women are looking for some sort of affirmation or evidence that we're productive and valuable outside of our mothering. And it diminishes the mothering that we're doing. And I really don't get why there's so much dismissiveness about it. It's like, do we really want a future run by adults that didn't have mothers? Mothers are forming the future generations. They're molding. Them. And yes, fathers are too. Fathers are important. Don't come at me with what about dads? We're just not talking about dads right now. We're talking about moms. Dads are valuable and important and serve a specific function. But I'm talking about the function of moms. And the world needs freaking moms. They need mothers. They need nurturing. They need caring and guidance, nudges on the path. They need people paying attention, the kind of attention that a mother gives. They need a mom to know where they're at and what they're doing and who they're talking to and to make sure they eat. These are the humans that grow up to be the future leaders and caretakers of the world. They become the future we're going to live in. And can you imagine a future full of humans without the influence of a mother in their life? Like, why isn't this obvious to everyone that teaching and mothering little humans to be good people is a super valuable, important work? And I'm not saying that every woman needs to choose to be a mother, but I am saying that every person that ever lived called the womb of a woman their first home. Every person came through this world tethered to a mother. And that deserves to be revered and honored. And those who choose to do that important work deserve our respect not as better than others, but just put in a place of value. There's like this derogatory notion of barefoot impregnate, this idea that it's derogatory and degrading to be pregnant and to be a mother. And I'm saying that we need to put mothers in their place. And that place is a place of honor and respect. And not making motherhood is this derogatory thing. So they have to do all these other things at the same time because being a mother isn't enough. Mothers are very empowered, powerful woman. Motherhood is a powerful expression of womanhood and woman power and we need to remember it that way and put motherhood in that powerful place. Balance is a myth. The idea that we can do it all is a myth. And as long as we tell women that they should be doing it all at once, we're dishonouring them. So we see you, moms in the messy and the magnificent, in the mundane and the miraculous of mothering. You are doing hard and meaningful work and you matter and your presence and your voice matters. And mothers and motherhood deserve honor and value every day. So if you want to be pro women, be pro motherhood. And if you are not a mom, support it. Honor and encourage women who are. If you are a mom, support, honor and encourage other moms. And if you're a mom, know this you are so valuable. You are so important. What you are doing matters deeply and widely and eternally and you are not alone and you are not unseen. And sometimes, if no one else will moms. We need to value ourselves. Maybe we need to pull a Snoop Dogg and we need to thank ourselves. I'd like to thank me for being a mom. I'd like to thank me for all this hard work. I'd like to thank me for all the sleepless nights. I'd like to thank me for all those dirty diapers I changed. I'd like to thank me for making sure there's food in the house. I'd like to thank me for kissing that boo boo. I'd like to thank me for apologizing to my kids after I lost my crap on them. I'd like to thank me for doing all that laundry. I'd like to thank me for helping my big kid through a heartbreaking time. I'd like to thank me for caring and for trying and for doing the thing only a woman can do. I'd like to thank me. So thank you to all the mothers and thanks for listening. Until next time. Don't forget to follow or subscribe to the show. Wherever you listen to podcasts to make sure you don't miss any episodes. If you're really loving the content and you believe in a woman's podcast and our vision, consider becoming a Patreon supporter. Our Patreon help keep us on the air with monthly support as little as $3 a month. You can find the link to all that in our show notes. Thanks for listening. Until next time, our channel.