The one with Hollywood icon David Marshall Grant

Episode 69! We celebrate by reviewing our year of lasts, David has lots of unique and exciting things to say like "pilots are hot," we rank the top 3 big things, and this week we are joined by actor, writer, producer, and gay dad David Marshall Grant who takes us through his journey in Hollywood as well as in parenting.

Questions? Comments? Rants? Raves? Send them to GaytriarchsPodcast@gmail.com, or you can DM us anywhere @GaytriarchsPodcast

Transcript

Gavin: 0:00

Are you recording? 69, dude. And this is Gage Rearks.

David: 0:08

Wait, that was it? Why not? I want everyone out there to to know that Gavin said, Are you recording? Because I have this really funny cold open. And then I said, Yep, we're recording. And we took a pause. I looked right into his eyes, and he just said, That. That is our cold open.

Gavin: 0:26

And this is Gatriarchs.

David: 0:42

So Gabon, guess where I just came back from?

Gavin: 0:46

Like two hours ago. The the m airport Airport Marriott. No. I came back from. Dairy Queen? Oh, wait, I don't get to keep guessing. No, you can't.

David: 0:57

No, that's funnier. Go ahead.

Gavin: 1:00

I get him funny.

David: 1:02

I understand jokes now. Go ahead. Dairy Queen. No. And then rule of threes. What's the third one? It should be funny.

Gavin: 1:08

Yeah, I know. It should be funnier, but I was just gonna say Wendy's because I think that's the most real uh probably the most realistic guess.

David: 1:16

100%. I met Wendy's all the time. In fact, I was having lunch with friends today and trying to get them to download the Wendy's app. No joke. I am making Wendy's more money. You had a friend date at Wendy's. Well, let me tell you why. So where I just came back from was pre-K graduation.

Gavin: 1:34

Oh my God. So many phones out, so many almost tears, a hot, sweaty room, parents thinking this is the end all, be all. There is so much to unpack in a preschool graduation.

David: 1:48

So I am, as we know, Mr. Coldhearted, you know, you know, oil through my veins, I hate my children kind of guy. Um literally the second the music started, I went, oh no, like immediately, because yeah, they the kids are like behind a screen, and then they start playing this like soft piano music, and then these four-year-olds come wandering in in full caps and gowns. So cute, yes, oh my god. It was, I gotta say, for somebody with such a cold, dead black heart as mine, I fucking was beaming the whole time. And they were just, they just came out and barely did anything.

Gavin: 2:26

Yeah. There, it's so over the top. None of it is necessary. The caps and gowns that all cost$35 that hopefully some other parent donated to the entire classroom, or they recycle and they're all full of bed bugs and lice, but it's so fucking cute. It's so fucking fantastic.

David: 2:43

It's really cute. And they, you know, they did, you know, a bunch of numbers that were kind of mediocre and terrible. Yeah. And then they did a whole like diploma ceremony where like the kids walk up or whatever. It was so fucking adorable. And then the best part really is, and this is a little bit gave and lodge, so prepare yourselves, everyone, out there. But afterwards, you know, they just kind of have like a little party. It's just cupcakes and pizza or whatever. But you know, the kids are running around in circles. Every parent knows me. I know every parent. And it was just this moment of like, man, this kind of community is really fucking great. A community of parents that you like and trust that all know you. You've known each other for years, you feel safe in this room. And, you know, it's all going away when our kids go to kindergarten because none of the kids in my kids' class is going to his kindergarten. So it was just kind of a sad moment because I was like, man, this is hard to have. It's hard to find a place like this.

Gavin: 3:37

So all we do is complain complain about our asshole kids, of course. But these are such fantastic times. And you meet these communities of people. I mean, it's hard to make friends as an adult, but when you're at schools and when you have your kids, you can make new friends. And it's a really, it's a it's it's a magical time, um, even though all we do is complain about how tired we are all the time. So yeah, it's a special rite of passage.

David: 4:05

Yeah, it was really cute. And so, but what's so fucking weird about it is that we have this big graduation ceremony. He gets to stay home, caps and gowns, big hugs, his teachers crying everything. And guess what happens on Monday? They go back to school, they go, they go back to the same class with the same daycare. It's daycare, it's pre-K daycare. So he's gonna be in this daycare for the next three months until he goes to kindergarten. So um, it's a little bit silly, but it was very cute.

Gavin: 4:36

Talk about much ado about nothing, that is for sure. Well, you know what, on the other end, on the other spectrum, um, I'll try not to dwell too much. And how do I make it light and happy? My year of lasts, as I've been saying. And guess where I just came from today? Where? Wendy's. You're not gonna get okay, fine. Absolutely not Wendy's. I've never been, I've never been a chocolate frosty fan. I don't understand why they can't have vanilla or strawberry and their and their French fries are not anywhere near as good as McDonald's. So I don't understand what is the point of going to Wendy's ever.

David: 5:07

If my points balance drops because of what you just said, I'm gonna be pissed. If Wendy's is like seeding me points because I mention them so often, and then they hear you bad mouthing them, I'm gonna be real pissed.

Gavin: 5:19

But you know what? Eddie Press is good press. So you're welcome, Wendy's. This episode of Gatriarch's brought to you by Wendy's. No, I came from field day just earlier. In fact, I am sweaty and and smelly right now. But um, it was my last field day. It was my last field day, and I did just sit in that moment and try to lap it all up. And I was leading one of the um one of the activities that basically all has to do with sponges being either thrown at each other or passed overheads or whatever, and all the kids are getting just um wet the entire time. And in one rendition of this game that I was uh operating called Pass the Bacon, the kids have to like do this relay race with a big old wet sponge. And then afterwards, after they've competed, they're supposed to shake hands because, you know, God forbid we have any heart hurt feelings, obviously, in a competition. And I was actually telling a line of um little kids, hey, you don't need to squeeze the sponge over your head. You need to hurry up and pass it along because you know, if you're gonna be able to win, you have to like pass the sponge faster. And a little girl goes, but it's not as fun that way.

David: 6:25

And I thought I'm gave in lodge taking the fun out of school day for elementary school teachers, just type A competition being slapped in the face.

Gavin: 6:36

And I see ball coach extraordinaire, just that little adorable cherubic girl who told me, but it's not fun that way. I think you for filth. She read you for filth. And you know what? I don't think I have ever, ever, ever I actually avoid talking about my partner too much on here because he is um uh a very private person. Uh, but there was a moment where, so as I said, the kids have to shake hands after their mini competition, right? And two of the kids wouldn't do it. So I was like, that's cool. I'll wait for you because you're gonna shake hands. And I was saying it eyes wide and smile on my face, but I was like, oh no, you little shit. I'm waiting for you to uh to shake your hands. And my partner was in the background waving at me, giving me our international family sign for stop being an asshole.

David: 7:31

I love that you have to have that sign in your family.

Gavin: 7:34

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. We have an international sign for stop being an asshole. And uh and I appreciated that, but I was like, oh no, no, no, I'm not being an asshole. I'm a teacher in this.

David: 7:43

I'm throwing down with a fifth grader, so you're welcome.

Gavin: 7:49

Yes, I was listening I do it with four-year-olds.

David: 7:52

You know, I I I I th I have beef with four-year-olds, so I totally get it.

Gavin: 7:56

Yep, yep. Well, I um I I had my beef with this third or fourth grade boy. He relented and he shook hands with his little, you know, competition partner. And I feel okay with that. And I don't think it was assholishness at all. You know what I'm really okay with? Tell me.

David: 8:14

Hot pilots. Now, is this is this a thing that I'm just realizing or is this new? Are pilots just hot?

Gavin: 8:24

I would say so. I mean, it's uniform, it's the aviators, it's the control that yeah, they're in control and your life is in their hands. Surely you've gone down hot pilot TikTok.

David: 8:37

I have not, but uh, my my FYP is such a fucking mess. It is just hot dudes with their dicks out. But I I was flying for work uh last month, and I was just like all of a sudden, I was like, every pilot in this airport, every pilot I've flown with today is so hot. And I was getting on this. I there this this job I do is in this small town. And so I have to fly to a big city and then take a small plane from this big city to a small city. Every time I go there, there's a trainee on the flight, either uh a flight attendant or a pilot, because I notice that they're like looking over at books, and then there's this one person saying, Okay, make sure when you do the announcement, do this. And they must do that on these small 45-minute flights or whatever.

Gavin: 9:16

So that they they can get more training in probably during one day. They can probably get five flights in rather than they're not gonna put a trainee.

David: 9:22

And if they crash a tiny plane in middle of Wisconsin, like who cares, right?

Gavin: 9:26

But it was the NBC Nightly News will be able to be like, but it was a trainee.

David: 9:31

So yeah, it was just a trainee, and it was like eight people in the plane. But I was walking up to my flight and I was expecting to see these trainees because I do this job every year and I always see these trainees. And there was clearly a trainee pilot, and he was like 25, and he had these huge arms. He was like bursting out of his shirt, and I was like, Yes, I'm gonna fuck this pilot on this flight. I don't care if we crash this plane. I I was so shocked at how hot he was, but also I was like, I wonder if it's just like, like we said, like you in a in a position of power in a uniform that just you automatically get two hot points attached to Bill or whatever. Absolutely. So anyway, there's no point to the story other than pilots are hot and I enjoy staring at them.

Gavin: 10:14

What is the town that you have to fly to in Wisconsin? Appleton. You know what? So I was in Denver a couple of weeks, months, years ago. I don't know. And I'm I feel I love maps. I love, I have always loved maps, atlases. I could stare at them. I'm curious about them. When I'm on a flight, what a unique thing to say. This is definitely we should make this like another. This is this is an extra because we are boring our our um listener by listening to this. But um, oh yeah, I God, I love staring at maps, and I even like looking at the maps at the the airline routes at the back of the magazines. I mean, almost every single time I will look and I'll be like, hmm, where's American Airlines? What's their hub? What are their destinations? Whatever. So I was in Denver the other day, and I mean, I really I know all the capitals. I you quiz me on well, not international capitals necessarily, but I know geography, I know the globe. What's the capital of Vermont? Montpelier. Oh, damn it. That's always the one I try to get. Um so I'm walking down the airport and I see Appleton at DIA in Denver, and I'm like, the fuck is Appleton? Is that like Appleby's stepbrother? Like, what? And I I'm like, they have direct flights from Denver to Apple. Where's Appleton? I was incensed that Appleton is a place that I would be a destination for United Airlines from Denver, and it's I had never heard of it.

David: 11:40

It is lovely. It's a college town mostly. It's it's it's small, right? But man, it is a lovely. I I love my time there. It is so fantastic.

Gavin: 11:50

Okay, so anyway, back to gay parenting shit. How about that? Um, I have a dad hack of the week for you, okay? Oh. So going on to Reddit, because basically my brain is a sieve and I can't remember any hacks anymore. Um, there is uh uh an infinite amount of hacks out there, right? And they're all pretty cliche, but this one really struck me. I'm just gonna read this guy's posting, okay? My three-year-old had been waking up at 2 a.m. and coming into our room constantly. She always comes to me, so I would either have to let her climb in our bed or lose quality sleep or walk her back to her room and then struggle to get back to sleep myself. About a month ago, we bought the blow-up bed called a hic-pop inflatable toddler bed. And we leave it on the floor with a pillow and blanket next to our bed. So now when she wanders into our room, she goes right back to sleep on her air mattress. I usually have no idea she's there until I get up in the morning. That's kind of genius, huh?

David: 12:44

Yeah. I mean, you could also lock the door from the outside.

Gavin: 12:48

You could put it like a, you know, like that sounds monstrous, actually.

David: 12:51

And then it does sound monstrous.

Gavin: 12:53

Then you're gonna be woken up by kicking and screaming from the outside. By the firefighter who said your child is dead because you locked the door from the outside.

David: 13:00

But no, I I think that's that's interesting. We've luckily never had a problem with like wandering into our room, but I can see how that would be a really good solution to that. Yeah. And you keep moving the bed further and further away from your bed.

Gavin: 13:11

Um, halfway down the hallway. Exactly. Well, so this episode brought to you by the hiccup inflatable toddler bed and Wendy's. You're welcome. Um, and how about some gay news too? Do you want to hear some good stuff? Guess what? I only have positive things to tell you. Yay! Because often Let me guess, a church hates us. Great. Well, that's that is a badge of honor, and we can be happy about that. No, um, just the other night, Adele had a concert in who knows, somewhere, and Adele is, of course, fabulous. And apparently she said happy pride to everybody. Everybody screamed, and from the front few rows, she heard somebody say pride sucks. And she went, Did you just come to my concert and say pride sucks? You can get the fuck out of here. You're welcome. I know.

David: 13:56

I love your adult voice.

Gavin: 13:57

You shut up.

David: 13:57

I love your adult voice so much.

Gavin: 14:00

Well, God bless Adele for calling out hecklers, you know?

David: 14:04

I mean, A number one, the content of your message is stupid and flawed and hateful, and that that is right. But B number two, it's like you're you're in our house, bitch. At what point did you think coming to an Adele content was some sort of like NRA meeting? Like, what are you talking about?

Gavin: 14:20

Pride sucks, also. Couldn't you think of something more clever than that? But yeah, Adele, I mean, she's like full gay icon, isn't she? She's gay, absolutely gay gay icon stylus. I remember years and years ago she took her son in an Elsa dress to Disney World or Disneyland. And it was it was big, big, big news that she had done that. And, you know, good for her. Um, and then also, um, your favorite sport, professional sport is ladies' figure skating. Basketball, of course. Yeah. And have you heard of Dwayne Wade? No. He's a very big player from the Miami Heat. Uh, he was a guard for the Miami Heat. He's had he's gotten lots of, you know, he's he's definitely been um gotten lots of awards. I don't know, Tonies and Oscars. He's gotten Tonies and Oscars. Wow. If you could if this episode couldn't get any gayer, yeah. Well, uh uh Dwayne Wade is famous for having a trans daughter, and he's from Florida originally, and he full-on moved the family from Florida to California because for obvious reasons, because they're anti-trans legislation. And he just recently received an um award called the Elevate Prize Foundation's Make Good Famous Summit. And um, and because he has started a new online forum called Translatable that's uh meant to be an online resource for um children and families of trans kids. So um good for fucking you, Dwayne Wade. Thank you. That's that's amazing.

David: 15:45

Uh you know what isn't amazing? Tell me. Our top three lists.

Gavin: 15:49

Gate rearcs, top three lists, three, two, one. So this is your week. Yes, it is. Uh building on a theme, we have uh last week we talked about uh top three little things. So this week I was totally uncreative and said, how about we go with top three big things? So let me start. Uh for number three for me is big wines. Oh, because what is the point of a little weak watered down wine? I think that is a waste of time and um energy and money and everything. So big full wines. Um maybe not in the middle of summer, I would say. Roses can be not light, they can be big. Anyway, number three, big wines. Number two, big voices. Oh, I love that. Love that. When I hear, I want big voices to take me on a journey um to um to another place when I'm hearing really, really fantastic music, you know? So and um number one for me is big families. I know, I know it's a it's pretty sappy, but I have a tiny family, and so I have full-on size envy of big families. And they always seem to have a whole lot of drama and a whole lot of problems. Uh, but from the outside, I um I envy big families and I think they're awesome. So there you go. My top three big things. That's a great top three, Gavin. Kudos to you. You get you get a participation trophy for that one, especially because I made up one on the spot, and I'll let you decide which one that was. Go ahead, David. What are your top three big things?

David: 17:27

Top three big things. Uh, and number three, I love a big blanket. Like, like, like my mother-in-law got me a uh like a just a couch blanket, just like a nice blanket for the couch. But she said I bought it as a twin-size comforter size, not a blanket size, because just that extra footer too. Extra, oh god, it makes a world of difference.

Gavin: 17:50

Oh, that makes me think also, though, I have an honorable mention for a big beach towel. I love a really big beach towel.

David: 17:57

Okay, anyway, sorry, back to you. Number two, don't laugh at me. A big hug.

unknown: 18:03

Fuck.

David: 18:03

Do I love just like somebody just like just trying to attach their soul to you when they squeeze you into a big hug? That's a good feeling. And number one, big, the movie. That's a great, great fucking movie. And a good musical. I was like, a musical that didn't do well, but I mean it did a tour, but that was a great show. That's a great score. Yeah.

Gavin: 18:24

Yeah. All right.

unknown: 18:25

I love that.

David: 18:28

Um, so next week. What is next week? So next week, speaking of uh musicals, um, I want to hear your top three act one endings.

Gavin: 18:38

Oh. Okay. I could probably do that entirely on the spot.

David: 18:42

I know. But please don't. Please do some sort of fucking research before we start.

Gavin: 18:46

Some work into it. Oh my god. So our next guest is well, truly demeaning himself by being here, having been a fixture in Hollywood for the better part of several decades. He's who David and I hope to grow up to be. He's an actor, but moreover, he's a producer, and moreover than that, he's a dad. Welcome, David Marshall Grant. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here. So, um, David, uh, you're a producer and an actor, because once an actor, and a writer. And a writer, wait, and a writer. Yeah.

David: 19:22

Like a big time TV writer. Yeah, most yeah. Yeah.

Gavin: 19:25

Oh, is that the that's the first, that's the most strong part of your triumvirate?

SPEAKER_01: 19:31

Yes. I mean, I only really produce in in my involvement in television writing. In television, uh, unlike other mediums, the writer is kind of king. So the writer produces their own episode. Well, the the writer has produced their own episode. So it's a free paycheck. It's a f it's a little free paycheck. So, yeah, my productor credits are all in line with really with episode. So the television I wrote.

Gavin: 20:01

Yeah. Well, then in looking back on, I mean, you started your career in LA as an actor. Is there any show, movie, or TV otherwise that you would go back and love to rewrite the way you want to do it?

SPEAKER_01: 20:14

Yeah, it's funny, you know, I I was thinking you you mentioned that, and it's it's funny. I uh I it's hard to most of the things I thought about rewriting essentially are things that I have obviously written. Uh so I'm thinking, okay, so what have I written that I would rewrite? And it's it came to me oddly because I don't think uncoincidentally, in the sense that this is a show about being parents gay or whatnot.

SPEAKER_03: 20:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 20:44

But I wrote a play a long time ago that was called Penn. And it was a it was really about me and my mom. And uh I had a difficult relationship with my mother, and I tried to work it out in lots of ways, and playwriting was one of them. Uh and while the play works in on many levels for me, uh, in terms of of my relationship with my mom and what it's like uh to be a son, and maybe what it's like to be a mom, I realized all these years later and after my mom's death, I had just seen, I don't know if you know uh the playwright Paula Vogel, but she wrote a play. She wrote a play. Yeah, yeah, she wrote mother play, which I just saw in New York recently. Yes. And it's all about a play about forgiving your mom. And I realized that if I were to rewrite anything, and I might just try to do it one day, it would be pen. Because I feel like I gave it a little bit more of a hatchet job than she deserved. And forgiveness is such a crucial part of being a kid, and in some ways, as a parent, I'm realizing it's also a crucial part of being a parent. The whole f the whole child-parent relationship is it can continue and grow because of forgiveness and and understanding and not blame and and not uh you know diminished expectations. And so I I really think it would be that play, is what I would go back to reading.

David: 22:23

Wow. Interesting.

Gavin: 22:24

This was so much more profound than I thought it was gonna be. But no, it's fantastic. I mean, because is this definitely makes me think, uh, David, you David FM Baum, you can roll uh reel me back in as I it absolutely you have 40 seconds. Go to pose my question or to go down the road. You have 38 seconds, but it's 35. Think about yes, the forgiveness factor of and being like, how do you not uh uh repeat the mistakes of your parents? And how do you you change history and not fuck it up so that your kids have to go to therapy and complain about you for the rest of their lives and whatnot? I mean, have you found an answer?

SPEAKER_01: 23:05

No, there is no answer to that question. I think that therapy for the rest of your life is inevitable. I think you know, parenting is impossible. It is the hardest job you'll ever have. But I do I do think though that that trying to see your children as as their own uh entities, as as you know, as people that are not uh responsible for your uh dreams and visions of them. Yeah, that they really need to just do it. And you may feel temporarily, permanently, wildly disappointed because they just didn't, they did not in any way match up to what you wanted. But in the context of that, oftentimes they are something equally amazing, and you're just not seeing it. So I think that right there's a it's it's nearly impossible, but I'll tell you a quick story because my kid, our kid is now a teenager, she just turned 14. So, you know, God bless, God have mercy on my soul.

David: 24:18

God bless everyone, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 24:20

But um, my sister, I had there was an experience I had recently where I didn't understand something that was online and she was doing online. And I was like, what's going on here? I should like and my sister said to me, David, you only have one responsibility now as a parent. One. What's that? Your entire responsibility now and and job as a parent is to make sure that when, not if, but when your daughter gets into trouble, she trusts you enough to go to you. Yeah. That is it. Yeah. So so I don't worry about the online little snafu in there. Don't worry.

David: 25:03

Yeah. I I can't imagine my dad dreamed about having a a chubby figure skitter who loves musical theater, but here I am. Yeah. So um and you're fabulous the way you are.

SPEAKER_01: 25:12

And you know what it's harder for him to see that.

David: 25:14

Yeah, but you know what? I will say, go bring it back to like TV writing and parenting. This is gonna sound so silly, but hopefully it won't. Um, one of the most influential shows I ever watched as a kid for me as a TV writer was Roseanne. Now, let's take Roseanne the person out of it. Like, let's just separate that for a second. But in the very last episode, I I have that whole monologue memorized, but one of the things she said that I still think about often as a parent is me and Dan try to make sure we improve the lives of our kids 50% of our own. So, like just that attempt of like, you know what, we I'm not gonna I'm not gonna try to aim for anything. I'm just gonna try to make their lives 50% better than my own. And that is our only goal goal. And I think that's that's the way to think about it. And you know, she's a fucking nightmare, but I loved that quote. I loved that.

SPEAKER_01: 26:00

She's a fucking nightmare, but that original show is so full of honest parenting.

David: 26:04

Yeah, perfect. It's a perfect show. It is so broad and funny, but every episode just lands so hardcore as real people. I aim for that in everything I've ever written is to try to get as broad as they get comedy-wise, while still never losing their humanity. That's a that's a hard lane to hit, especially multicam. But man, did they did they just fucking nail it on that? Anyway, I could go on and on about those.

Gavin: 26:29

I feel like um I feel like such an outsider here of just a bunch of TV writers being able to kiki about their TV writer, their three-cam multicam business. I mean, I do know what that means. But tell us quite is it for anyway. Um, how did you become a dad, David?

SPEAKER_01: 26:46

Well, uh, it's uh, you know, it's a as can be the case with gay dads, it's a long story. You know, we didn't just like, you know, fuck in the bathroom at a bar, you know. That's I mean, you could have you could have also fucked in the bathroom of a bar. We could have. But it wouldn't have gotten us a baby.

David: 27:05

That's true.

SPEAKER_01: 27:07

But um, so uh it was a journey, you know. I came to it uh very late in life. Uh I always wanted a family, um, but uh the generation that I am of gayness, that was just I mean, it would be like saying, I don't even know what it just was absolutely it would be like, oh, people are gonna be able to fly one day.

David: 27:31

I just learned how to fly. I thought it's impossible.

SPEAKER_01: 27:34

Yeah. Literally impossible. So I never even considered it. But it was always like a dream, and it was always, and the dream oddly was always connected with, well, maybe I could become straight, because then I can be a bad dad. So it was a very sort of oddly homo internalized homophobic contortion to get to parenthood, you know. But in any case, Casey and I met, my husband, uh, and we we met like 24 years ago, and uh we were together for about five or six years when we started talking about maybe we would both want this, and we both did. So great, uh then let's do it and let's hurry up because you know, I don't have that much time left. So uh we started uh with open adoption. Uh and uh we it took, you know, we had to put the book together, you know, and pictures of us, and you know, and uh trying to figure out how to sell ourselves. And we were always like, is this a good picture? Is that a good picture? You know, like does this house look like it'd be good for a kid?

Gavin: 28:40

Your auditioning.

SPEAKER_01: 28:41

Auditioning. Yeah, that you're auditioning. Yeah, and it was before self-taping, so we were just like playing this thing. So we ended up uh getting matched uh with a uh with a uh a girl, a young girl, you know, a young woman, uh, I think she was like 20, and she lived in Florida. So the agency said, look, uh, here's the deal. Gay adoption's illegal in Florida, but don't worry about it much. Go to Florida. What'll happen is that she will sign the baby over to you as a temporary guardian because she wants the baby in LA for whatever personal reasons. So you take this doesn't sound this doesn't sound like I mean I love it. Florida.

David: 29:24

Alligator wrestling, legal. Adoption of children to house them and love them, illegal, contention.

SPEAKER_01: 29:30

Gay adoption, legal. By the way, not sure about right now. But anyway, so we get there and uh we're gonna wait for her to sign our temporary, and we and I get a call from the lawyer who says that she is in the uh the baby is in the neonatal intensive care unit. Because it's no big deal, Johnny. The baby has a soft patella, which I kept saying polenta.

Gavin: 29:57

But it's just also delicious, which delicious and soft, soft or hard, frankly.

SPEAKER_01: 30:04

I actually like it hard, but so we all we um okay, I'm not going there. So we uh I was like, what the fuck do I do? Well, let's just see how it goes. Where's the mother? Well, the mother washes her hands of it, the mother assigned this to you, but we don't know what to do. And well, who's taking so as a as the child's parent, as far as I was concerned, I felt a need to contact the neonatal intensive care unit. What's going on? This is David, who are you? Blah blah blah. It went on two or three calls trying to understand what's going on, and then I get a call from the lawyer. The nurse you've been talking to has reported you as a possible gay adoption. Uh and uh you're not, you need to get out of town. You're not gonna take the baby.

SPEAKER_00: 30:56

Oh my god. And I was like, okay, who's gonna take the baby?

unknown: 31:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 31:03

The baby will be adopted in a matter of hours. It's a white baby sitting in a hospital. Don't worry about it.

David: 31:10

So we got on the plane. Florida, burn Florida to the ground as far as our book is concerned. Burn that shit to the ground. Sorry, David.

SPEAKER_01: 31:17

Except let me get my friends John and Michael out of there and then we can burn it.

David: 31:20

No, listen, my mom lives there. Listen, I want to I want to airlift a few. Listen, sorry, Mary. Um, sorry, listener. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 31:29

So that was uh uh that was open adoption number one. Then we met a lady uh who lived in uh um uh Idaho, which should have been a red flag. We met her, a Hispanic girl. She was 18, uh, and she told us that she definitely wanted to do this. We said, look, the only thing we're concerned about is you changing your mind. You of course have every right to, but we'd rather not go through that again. So, how committed are you? Very committed. The only person in my family that's a little pushing back on this is my grandmother, but that doesn't matter. Uh again, red flag number two. So, in any case, with that one, uh, we named the kid. His name was gonna be Matteo. Uh, I was working on Brothers and Sisters at the time. Sally Field gave uh this beautiful uh baby shower for Casey and I. We got all this stuff, like major stuff, and um I'm on set, and uh I get a text from the agency. She changed her mind. Two days, two days before we were going up there. So I find Casey, he's a basket case. We end up, I leave the set, we end up going to Catalina and just sitting there for three days trying to drink our way through it. Yeah, yeah.

David: 32:54

So, I mean, it's getting like painful. And you just had to pay$50 to take Catalina Express to Catalina, which is already annoying.

SPEAKER_01: 33:01

Yeah, by the way, we have a garage full of shit now.

David: 33:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:05

Like bugaboos and like expensive freaking like, you know, reminders, constant reminders. Formula warmers and shit.

Gavin: 33:12

So it's all yeah, which obviously you don't need, but still, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:16

Yeah. We've got by the way, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 33:18

If I were to do two tips for parents, give it a controller from CVS that folds up and is you can buy a new one if it breaks.

SPEAKER_01: 33:28

And yeah, anyway, so but then I'm work I'm working now and I'm making some money. And Greg Brlante, who was there at the time at Brothers and Sisters, said, I can't take this anymore. You need to do surrogacy. So I'm like, okay, so it was, you know, 15 years ago. So it was a little less expensive, although I don't know whether it's actually gotten cheaper now or what. But uh it's definitely it is no, there's no diminishing rates of uh so um we go down the road of surrogacy, and that's a whole that's a story. Like, you know, we pick a surrogate, she's in Texas. Well, you know, surrogacy is illegal in Texas. Don't worry about it. All that'll happen is blah, blah, blah. So she ends up, you know, our surrogate ends up with a um, well, it even starts with the egg donor because they, you know, they give them shots to increase uh the fosterone. Yeah, yeah. Well, I get a call from the doctor. We have to stop the follicles immediately. There's 7,400 follicles, you know, there's too many there are too many follicles.

David: 34:33

You're gonna have a fucking litter of children, so we can slow this shit down.

SPEAKER_01: 34:37

You're gonna, this is fucking dangerous. Yeah, we have to stop the shots.

SPEAKER_03: 34:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 34:41

So let's harvest the eggs. Okay, we have seven eggs. I thought you said there were 18. It's a false positive. Uh we should have kept the shots going. So we had, I think, eight, seven eggs, let's say. So only four were viable. So then there's were two and two of each, right? So then uh we put one of ours each in. No, no, there was three, there were four viable eggs. Gavin, get out of calculator. I know. Four of one, one of the other, guys, right? So we put one of each.

Gavin: 35:20

Okay, great.

SPEAKER_01: 35:21

Yeah, we put one of each, each of ours, and it's an atopic pregnancy. Oh shit. So boop, bye-bye. Yeah. Two left, both one guys. We put the two in. Now nowadays, of course, we would have had you know twins immediately. Yeah, but we put the two in one time. She's her daughter. Awesome. Now the surrogate's driving around. The surrogate's in a car accident. Oh my god. The surrogate's in a car accident. She's fine. Everybody's fine. But nonetheless, she's in a car accident. Her father passes away. She doesn't, but her father does. And you know, it just the baby's finally born. Uh, there's a whole like gruesome story about the birth that has nothing to do with Evie, but just how painful it was for her poor, fabulous surrogate. So then we um uh she just was, I mean, she got through this like amazingly. I don't know how she did it. She was incredible. And then, of course, we had to uh put Casey's name on the on the birth certificate and the surrogates, because surrogacy is illegal in Texas. So now they're a married couple, basically. That's their child. So then we take Evie back to LA, and I formally adopt Evelyn. Yeah. Uh, and she is no longer, you know, on the birth certificate.

Gavin: 36:52

She's no longer on the lamb from Texas.

SPEAKER_01: 36:54

Yeah, but if you go to Texas right now and go to that hospital, you will see our birth certificate. Her Evelyn's birth certificate, original birth certificate is in Texas with her name on it, because they will not change that birth certificate until the surrogacy law is repealed in Texas.

David: 37:11

Yeah, that's it's it's amazing. So while we screw you have to jump through and let alone straight people are getting pregnant in the bathroom at the carry on concert. Yeah, like what is happening here?

SPEAKER_01: 37:21

Yeah. What is happening? So that you know, it was a long, it was a long journey. But so by the time it happened, I was like getting my ARP card, basically. You know, and so you know, it took a long time. It took years to many, it took like four or five years. Yeah. You know. Wow.

Gavin: 37:39

Um, do you, you know, since you brought that up, I am curious. There's a lot of, shall we say, older gay dads out there. Um how do you uh how do you embrace that? Or is it just a reality that you shrug and say, oh well, you'll be in therapy for the rest of your life complaining about your old dad?

SPEAKER_01: 37:54

Yeah, well, look, I mean, I think it's a it's definitely a uh unique to the individual and what is going on. I think that I think that it's probably if you did a a quick study of it, I bet you that older kids of gay dads have older dads. Because I recently went to a gay mom, uh a Mother's Day party up the block, and there were like there were like 15 kids between like two and six there. And they're their dads, who were all in their 30s and 40s, not 50s and 60s. So my point is that people are starting much younger now. Uh so I think it's less of a of a uh I think it's less of a slice of that pie because you can do it earlier. When I was in my 30s, it was not humanly pie. I mean, there was no thing.

David: 38:49

Because it's so because surrogacy is so expensive, often it is older dads because it's not until you're older that you have this the life stability and also financial security to put that 200k plus into a surrogacy. Um so I think that is that is a natural, I think, barrier to entry for a lot of people who want to pursue surrogacy. Adoption, I think, is a little different. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 39:09

Um but you know, in terms of being an older dad, I think that you, you know, you have to the way I I look at it is you could be any, you could be any sorts of dad. You could be an alcoholic dad. You could be a dad who gets into a car accident and can't, you know, can't walk. You could be a dad who le who cheats and ends up leaving your family. You could be a dad who's a movie star and is never home. You could be, there's a mill, every for every dad, there's a problem. Yeah. Yeah. For every dad, there's a plus, but there's also something that's not a plus.

David: 39:46

Gavin, what's your what's your negative, Gavin? What's your not plus?

Gavin: 39:49

We don't have enough time to go through all of that because there's so much a lot of them. But I agree with you that um, you know, sometimes I wonder uh uh when my kid complains to me when my sooner To be teenage daughter kind of complains about what an incredibly rough life she has. About, you know, how she isn't given absolutely everything she wants at the drop of a hat. I am like, I I lost my dad young, and I kind of often will think to myself, and I don't throw that in her face at all, but I think to myself, you know what? No matter what age I am, because I'm older than a lot of the dads around me, but no matter what age I am or my partner or anything, I'm like, you know what? We're fucking here. And we will be here and we will stay here for you. And sorry, we may we may not be, you know, uh super uber wealthy living in penthouses as you see on TikTok, but you know, I'm here. Yeah. So please with it.

SPEAKER_01: 40:39

And that's a huge thing, what you just said. I mean, I know it's a cliche, but honestly, showing up as a father or as a parent, showing up is so much. I mean, it is so much of what you need to do as a parent. Yep. You just just being present, you know, is so much of it.

Gavin: 41:02

So does Evie appreciate any of the writing and television that you have been a part of?

SPEAKER_01: 41:10

Yeah, I think she does, you know. I think I think she does. Um, she it's not like she's watched any of the episodes of A Million Little Things or any of the shows that I've been doing. She was much I mean, she used to come to the set on Code Black and Brothers and Sisters. She would come to the set. She never, I don't think she's ever watched any of those shows. But she did recently I wrote a film with uh Dan Savage, which is was called Spoiler Alert, The Hero Dies that Jim Parsons did, and Michael Show Walter directed it. And there was an opening in New York, and we and Casey and I went and we did not take Evie. Uh-huh. And she was did not appreciate that. Uh, but in any case, I got her. I she went the opening night of it at the Grove in LA, and she ran into Michael uh Michael Asiello, who wrote the book. Uh, and uh she was she was very taken with it and said, You didn't tell me it was so sad, I cried, you know. So there's some understanding of it. But and she was 13 then, so uh, but you know, no, she doesn't know, you know. And in terms of things I acted in, no. She has no interest. She doesn't, every time she sees me as a young person, she's like, bye. She doesn't want to see it.

David: 42:22

I remember uh showing uh my son, who's four now, but he was three. Um, it was the the first episode of the show I had written, and it was it was a kid's show, and it was it was coming out, and I was so proud. And I was like setting up the living room, and I was like, I'm gonna show you a TV show that daddy wrote. He's like really involved. I would say within 38 seconds, he goes, Can we watch Coco Melon? He was not in. I was like, No, Daddy wrote that. Look, see what they're saying? Daddy made that happen. And he he was so fucking unimpressed.

SPEAKER_01: 42:50

And I was like, Okay, I'm not sure they even understand at that age what wrote that means. Well, that's true, that's for sure, you know. But yeah, so no, I don't, you know, I you know, and I know some people that are far more successful than me. And sometimes when it's like that, the kids are like aggressively uninterested.

Gavin: 43:10

Yeah, my kids are definitely aggressively uninterested in anything I have to show them in the world, that's for sure.

David: 43:17

But it's like a point of irony, you mean? Like they're like, they're like, look how cool I am that I don't even care about this movie star kind of a deal.

SPEAKER_01: 43:23

Well, I think that growing up in the in the wake of a star is a lot to deal with. Yeah. It's kind of hard to imagine yourself as this magical creature when your parent is literally on billboards all across the town and you're trying to, you know, individuate and feel like you're an amazing human person. It's kind of it's not it's hard, I bet.

Gavin: 43:50

So when did you um when did you officially switch from being an actor to a writer?

SPEAKER_01: 43:57

Well, uh it was a little bit of a kind of a subtle transition, but basically it involved two sort of contemporaneous events. One is I was cast as um uh um in Devilwear's Prada as Ann Hathaway's dad. And it was uh it's a lot of auditions and you know, and it was a bigger part in the script. We never shot all of what was there, but um it uh I was excited, you know, here I am, you know, it should be good. So uh the um I'm gonna get seven for it. I'm like, great, I need the money. Like, I'm my career, my acting career isn't like bringing in that much cash. So I get there and it's like uh Michael David uh Bant. Are you Michael David Bant? David Marshall Grant. Oh, yeah, right. Over here is your trailer. So it's like this you know, honeywagon with like 18 slots. Mine happened to be butting up against the crew toilets. You can imagine that soundtrack.

David: 45:07

Where there's like the little lip underneath, and you're like, I'm I'm basically in a port-a potty at this point.

SPEAKER_01: 45:12

Yeah, yeah, you're in a port-a-potty.

David: 45:14

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 45:14

And so flush, flush, and I'm like, oh my god, you know, Brian David Manchester. Uh what? Here's your thing. Can you sign your deal memo? So I go to sign the deal memo, and it says seven hundred dollars a day with a three-day, with a three-day minimum. Oh so I called my extra.

SPEAKER_02: 45:40

Oh, you said seven. I said, yeah, 700 a day. It's a it's a low budget minimum. Like, but this is with Ann Hathaway and Meryl Streep, and what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01: 45:49

I'm playing it I'm playing Ann Hathaway's dad. Come on. So I got I walked away with$22,000.

SPEAKER_03: 45:56

Wow.

SPEAKER_01: 45:57

Uh, and uh a lot of memories of the sounds of porta potty.

SPEAKER_03: 46:02

Yeah.

David: 46:02

Uh-huh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 46:03

And I thought to myself, and I my name is now Michael.

SPEAKER_03: 46:07

Yeah. You know, David Brandt.

SPEAKER_01: 46:10

And I'm like, I'm done. I'm done. Yeah. And it was partly in concert with I had written a play that was called Snake Bit, and Joe Mantello and I had just left Angels in America, and he wanted to direct this play up in New York Stadium film. So we did, and we were gonna do it in New York, but then the theater we were gonna do it in it clock uh closed. So that never happened. But then in like '98, finally we got a production. Uh, and so around that time we did this play and it did well, and it ended up getting me a job on Brothers and Sisters, and I thought I'm doing this because I don't want to go back to the portabody.

Gavin: 46:50

Yeah, yeah. It's it's there's a dignity factor there. I mean, show business is so unglamorous so much of the time, and we all love acting, and it is so rewarding when you're doing it, but man, yeah, tough.

David: 47:07

So so speaking of glamour, tell us some uh glamorous parenting disaster stories of your uh of your time parenting this wonderful child. As as disgusting and terrible as possible.

SPEAKER_01: 47:20

Well, one of the more dramatic ones that Evelyn will remind me of frequently is um well, dad, just concentrate because you don't want to set me on fire again. Okay, okay. So we're at home.

SPEAKER_00: 47:38

We have two candles to have.

SPEAKER_01: 47:40

I think she's singing, you know, um something like, you know, she's singing something from Frozen, you know, and she's wearing a beautiful white, sort of like slippy thing, and feeling fabulous, and I uh am not looking at her at that moment, and then uh I uh hear I look up and the nightgown is caught on fire from from the candle. She's on fire. It looks like she's on fire. So I'm like, okay, I have two choices. My mind goes, I could put her down and roll her up in the rug, but the coffee table's on the rug, uh-huh, or I can just rip the thing off of her. Like, so I just ripped the thing off her body and ran, threw it in the sink, and she ended up with just a little bit of a burn here. But it took her like about at least three minutes. Like, and then you know, yeah, and at least two years after that, we would go to like an open grill like like thing where the flames would go up and she wouldn't go in, she'd leave.

Gavin: 48:46

I mean, I can understand that. Holy shit.

David: 48:49

She's she's gonna start reading that story is gonna be my dad lit me on fire once. No, yeah, absolutely. So it's gonna naturally evolve to that to where she can use that like when you're in an argument as her trump card.

SPEAKER_01: 48:59

Oh yeah. But if I ever want to get back at her, I guess she was five, and we're at the checkout stand at pavilions. She's in the cart, basically, she's a kid toddler. And she wants, you know, this and she wants that candy bar and whatever. And I'm like, no, no, no, candy bar. So we get out to the car and I'm putting the things in, and she's getting into the thing, she's like hiding something. Like, what do you got there? Nothing. Yeah, like pure sociopathology, you know. So Evelyn, she she's got the candy bar in her hand.

David: 49:39

So now you have a criminal on your hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 49:43

Yeah. So I said, Evelyn, I never I rarely raise my voice at her. I really do. I mean, really, rarely. And this was like, Evelyn, you cannot do that. We are going back. So we went back, she returned the candy bar, she apologized to the person. Good, you know, and that's good parenting. Good parenting. Yeah, and blah, blah, blah. So, you know, in case she wants to do the set me on fire thing.

David: 50:05

Yeah, I got she's like, okay, I stole a candy bar, but you set me on fire. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 50:09

I guess that's there may or may not be a statute of limitations on that. I don't know.

Gavin: 50:14

Have you guys experienced night terrors, by the way? Did you get night terrors? We never have, but what that actually makes me think of is when my daughter was so very frequently peeing the bed when she was very little, and she would start crying early in the morning. And at first I thought it was kind of nightmares, but really I think it was ultimately her body telling her you need to get up, and she was fighting it and crying. And it would wake me up very regularly for a couple of months at the at like 4 30 in the morning. And I learned to get up to fix it rather than have it wet.

David: 50:46

We went through a series of night terrors just for like a couple of months with my uh four-year-old, where he would just wake up in the middle of the night and crying, crying, crying was could not be consoled or touched or whatever. Um and then I told him And their eyes are open, right? Yeah, exactly. That you're you think they're awake and you try to negotiate with them, but they're actually not awake. But um, a couple of uh episodes ago, I told the story about my son waking me up in the middle of the night and telling me there's a man on the roof trying to get the window, um, which is a really fun way to wake up, by the way, if you're ever wondering how to really wake up with a jolt. Um, but yeah, no, we went to that night terrorist thing and it was so weird because we were we didn't know what to do. We were like, yeah, hey honey, let's let's go back to bed. And he just he his eyes were awake, but he was definitely not awake. That's right.

SPEAKER_01: 51:27

It's the most terrifying thing in my whole parenting.

Gavin: 51:29

Well, David Marshall Grant, thank you so much for truly demeaning yourself by being on our stupid little podcast and out and telling us telling us some of the most terrifying stories we have ever heard on Gatriarchs. Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01: 51:43

My pleasure has really been fun, guys.

Gavin: 51:46

My something great this week is teachers. Teachers who go the extra mile, who pull us through the end of the year here, and mainly put up with our nonsensical bullshit as parents. From the teacher who went the extra mile to be like, oh my God, I for you, your teacher, who put up with preschool bullshit graduation to know that all of the parents are gonna cry and they're gonna love you for it. And to my teachers who are doing field days and not just letting them watch movies for the last two weeks of fifth grade, uh, teachers, man, they certainly don't get enough credit and certainly don't get enough money. What about you?

David: 52:27

Well, again, this is a cheap, but I have like one and a half. So my half is, I can't believe we've spent this entire episode, almost an hour, talking. And we haven't mentioned the fact that today is episode 69.

Gavin: 52:39

Oh my God. Come on. We are so bad at we didn't prep for pride. We didn't prep for 69. I like I didn't prep for the top three things this week. Nothing, no.

David: 52:51

Every one of you out there who is listening, thank you so much for listening. Thank you really truly from the bottom of my hearts. But go ahead and unsubscribe. We are not we don't deserve your listens. This is this is some fucking bullshit, really.

Gavin: 53:02

Anyway, so my real thing is 69.

David: 53:05

69 episodes going strong, going medium, going medium hard. Um, so my something great this week, it's gonna sound so stupid, but I'm gonna say it anyway because it's it was something great that happened this week. I just realized how fucking amazing to live in the time of the internet and YouTube, in particular, YouTube videos of how to fix or do things that you don't know how to do. So for example, what happened was my upstairs AC just quit. And on the panel it said no power. And I was like, what the fuck? I don't understand. Is there a plug? Like I couldn't understand. So I just went onto YouTube and literally searched my air conditioner, no power, and boom, a hundred videos of people being like, here's how to fix this. I go up to the attic, it is one switch and one screw, and it is fully working. And I was just having this stupid moment of like, what a fucking time to be alive. I mean, listen, we also know the internet is the source of misinformation and really horrible things.

Gavin: 53:59

Just the other day, my daughter announced to me that 50% of the American population is homeless. And while homelessness is not something to laugh about, I was like, where did you get that? And she said, without actually keeping a straight face, she giggled and said, Oh, I guess it was on TikTok. So anyway.

David: 54:15

So yes, misinformation, but also I fixed my AC for free. So that boom, in my opinion, something great.

Gavin: 54:23

And that is our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.

David: 54:32

Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast on the internet. David is at DavidFM VaughnEverywhere, and Gavin is at Gaben Lodge on field day.

Gavin: 54:41

Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcasts.

David: 54:45

Thanks, and we will 69 you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.