Gaytriarchs: A Gay Dads Podcast
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Gaytriarchs: A Gay Dads Podcast
Yep, another without a guest
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This week, David's in some deep shit, Gavin goes to the mall, David complains about dress up days, Gavin gives us a history lesson, and we rank the top 3 dick jokes.
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Gavin:Why are you doing that? Please don't make this into a swastika thing.
David:I do it.
Gavin:I do. That's why you were doing it. Can we leave on a on a Semitic note and not an anti-Semitic note, please? Disclaimer, I am absolutely against fascism and against Nazis and against swastikas.
David:And this is Gatriarchs. We've literally done it one time in our entire lives, and it was episode 98, the one before this. It was literally the first episode that we started, and you were like, hi David. And I was like, hi, David.
Gavin:I think it's important to be able to have that social etiquette of, you know, I'm always telling my kids, make eye contact. I'm looking at you through the computer screen.
David:Yeah. Kind of. Saying hi. You're you're spending most of your time looking at yourself. I've watched me watching you watch yourself is the majority of my day. So um but you know what was the majority of my day yesterday? Tell me. Um my son was like, I don't feel so good. And we know as parents, it's never true. It's never true. No, it's never true. Um, or maybe it's like I have to fart or whatever. So he was like, I'm not feeling well, I'm not gonna go to school. We're like, yeah, right. Um and then he's like, I think I have to poop. And on his way to the toilet, he didn't make it. Oh no. And ended up having like seagull diarrhea all over the bathroom. Like, you know how like if a seagull has like indigestion and he just like shits everywhere, and it's like it's like kind of looks like a shit explosion where it's just everywhere. I don't know, I just thought of a seagull like shitting everywhere. Anyway, did not make it to the bathroom, and there was a trail of shit on the way and to and around, and it was horrific. And he was so embarrassed, I felt so sad, but also I was like, I gotta clean all this shit up. But it was yes, it was for sure boy who cried wolf because I was like, Oh, your tummy hurt, your tummy always hurts when you have to go to school. Get in the fucking car. And this time he was being truthful. Oh boy, so I feel like an asshole.
Gavin:That that I mean, that's gonna stay with him for a very long time. He is now creating core memories, as we know. In Inside Out, taught us about those core memories, and he's gonna remember the time he had seagull shits.
David:And we had also, we're also memorializing it in forever in this podcast. So again, on his wedding, yeah.
Gavin:Listener and Emmett will hear someday. Well, do you think Emmett will dig through to see episode 99? 99. I mean, we thought 69 was a big deal, but hey, it was a big deal.
David:We know it is fucking hard to produce a podcast, especially a weekly podcast, especially a weekly podcast with you. It's very hard.
Gavin:Do you remember any times having seagull shits when you were growing up that traumatized you for the rest of your life?
David:Um no, I've mostly kept my shits to myself. I've been pretty good about it. Although, as an adult in Manhattan, we know that bathrooms are not a plentiful and you have to get very creative. We've spoken about this before. But no, I don't I've never had like a you know salad shooter style um uh event, we'll call it. But of course, maybe as a kid, I don't know. But my mom didn't have a podcast, so how am I supposed to remember that part?
Gavin:For me, it's just about barfing in very inconvenient ways, but not necessarily diarrhea-ing in ways that we're not at least you know, caught up in my underoos and my oshkosh bagashes.
David:But I like that we're using diarrhea as a gerund now. Diarrhea-ing. Easy to say.
Gavin:Well done on your uh on your grammatical ways, Mr. Von Gerand. Von Girond. Um so this weekend, unrelated to um anything related to um seagull shit. That's a great transition. I had um I had another, I suppose this is one of those benchmark moments of raising a teenager where we had to do something called National History Day. Have you ever heard of National History Day? No. Was it something you did? No, right. So many of these things are very, you know, um geographically isolated. Like growing up in Colorado, I didn't do any, I had no idea what National History Day was. We didn't, frankly, do an awful lot of like academic competitions, because frankly, all that matters is sports, and the rest of us can just go, you know, uh jump off a cliff. But anyway, in Connecticut, National History Day is a, I guess, a big deal, or it is for our school. And so my daughter uh was part of National History Day, and she went, she advanced from the school level to uh a regional competition with her presentation of Oscar Schindler. And what the most hilarious part of me, first of all, I know. You remember last year when she was in seventh grade, she was obsessed with Holocaust movies, right? And we remember very often, right? We would often hear, can we just go home and watch a Holocaust movie?
David:Just the just the Connecticut of it all, just like it's just it's all worrying me, but I'm I'm gonna listen. I'm gonna listen and not judge.
Gavin:Well, she her topic was Oscar Schindler. In the framework of National History Day this year is um rights and responsibilities. So you take a topic and you wedge it into rights and responsibilities, I suppose, in the best college essay way you possibly can, except you're in eighth grade. And um, so anyway, she has to make this big, you know, trifold poster with a bunch of like printout historical facts about Oscar Schindler. I'm not sure like the critical thinking level going on there. It's more just regurgitating facts and figures. But the most impressive thing about my daughter's poster was the huge swastika. Oh my god. And I when I first saw the poster, I thought, oh, oh my god, that's a huge swastika at the very top. Now it was balanced.
David:Was she wearing a Make America Great Again hat?
Gavin:Like it was balanced by a big old Star of David, thank goodness. And it also wasn't like that in the middle, and now I can't even remember what it was. Maybe it was uh it was not centered, it was balanced left and right of the trifold with um a star of David, which was equally large and impressive. But you know, you see a big ol' swastika, it is eye-popping. And I thought to myself, yeah, she's gonna get points, I think, for just like drama drawing your drama.
David:Right? Points for drama. Like you walk into that thing, you're gonna see 10 volcanoes. You're gonna, you know what I mean?
Gavin:You're gonna see a lot of a whole bunch of things about I don't like Marie Curie and Abraham Lincoln and all the things, and then swastika.
David:Swastika. Really proud of it. And I told you we we have uh my son used to have uh, well, I guess still is, but used to have an Indian friend, and we went to her parents' house for like a play date, and there is a giant flower swastika hanging on their wall. And Brian and I both were like, holy fuck. And then we realized that is a different symbol in India than it is. But like you walk into a little girl's house and they're playing dolls, and you see a giant swastika on the wall, and you're like, what have I walked into? Is this a Connecticut history lesson? What is this?
Gavin:Yep. Yep. Speaking of swastikas. Oh my God. It reminds me of when our friend, friend of the pod, Ellen Marsh, um, uh had a sleepover at my house one time. That's a weird way of saying it. She visited us, and I had a sleepover.
David:I don't know that. That's like when you go tell another adult, you're like, I have to go potty, and you go, Oh, wait, I'm still in kid mode. Do you ever do that? I stand sometimes with a side, I'll be like, oh, I gotta go potty real quick. Actually, I'm gonna use the restroom because I'm 45.
Gavin:So Ellen had a sleepover, and uh this is a stupid story. This is Gavin, you've told a hundred almost a hundred stupid stories so far. What would make what would make it stop here? I had uh t-shirts from my childhood that were turned into a quilt by a friend, right? And teacher, and it was just a kind of a random collection of t-shirts that I was cleaning out from my house a hundred years ago when my mom passed away. And one of the t-shirts was a t-shirt that belonged to my dad that says cours on it, but with two swastikas as the as the O's.
David:So this is a there's historical context in your family for reason being my dad was a labor attorney, and it was during the time that Coors was on strike.
Gavin:And so it's this this memento from my childhood that I remember, but I don't remember it as being swastika because it was just this memento of my dad's. And but it was placed prominently in the middle of the quilt, which was terrible.
David:I know, and I thought for any of our for any of our Jewish listeners, we in no way support this. This is funny, um, even though we've been laughing about it for about 10 minutes. Because so because it's so absurd. Yeah, please don't unfollow us.
Gavin:Because it was so absurd. And but the idea being that Coors is a is a you know a fascist company that wasn't actually giving labor rights to its um employees. So anyway, I remember Ellen was going to sleep in her room and she texts me, why are there swastikas looking at me from the corner of the room where the quilt had been unfortunately folded? Just away. Yeah.
David:Oh my gosh.
Gavin:So mortifying. Mortifying. I have I have since retired that blanket into a dusty, moth-eaten corner because it has swastikas on it and that needs to be put away.
David:Oh my god. I mean, I can't wait for your like MTV Cribs episode where they're like going around each room and they're like, oh, this is Gabin's, this is and then they just cut, they do a quick zoom, like a hard zoom to the swastika and then a quick pan to you. And you're just like, mmm. Um, so did your daughter win the history day with her swastika?
Gavin:So you know what? She got third place, and she is progressing to the state competition now. So she might have to redo her board, which means building another swastika at the top.
David:Oh my god. Um uh speaking of swastikas, I'm just kidding. I'm just that seems to be our transition every time. So I have complained about this before, but I have a new level of complaining. So it's just sit, everyone, listener, please sit down. So we have complained on this podcast endlessly about the like dress-up days and days that there are for various schools and daycares or whatever. Okay, so we we all know what it is. It's Dr. Seuss week, it's right across America, it's it's Christmas week, this week, today is jingle bells, tomorrow's whatever. And so spirit week, spirit week, spirit. Spirit week, all the color wars, all the things. So we have done that and it's super annoying, but whatever. Well, now my son goes to elementary school and my daughter goes to a daycare, and they have totally different fucking weeks.
Gavin:They have not conspired, they've conspired against you by not collaborating together.
David:Exactly. And that's the problem. Because not only do I have now twice the amount of bullshit to put together on my children, but now they get to fight about whose day it's pajama day. Why does Emma get to wear pajamas today and I don't? Because your school isn't doing pajama day today. Your school's pajama day is next Friday. And it is, it's just adding to the level of like pure bullshit, all this is. And then, and then they get to school and I see like the school pictures of all the kids. Three kids, three kids are dressed up. Three, three, three total kids. The only thing they all seem to dress up with is the hundred year, the hundredth day or whatever. Oh, yeah, that's a big deal.
Gavin:Yep, the hundredth day, yeah.
David:But I'm so my my my annoyance, my grievance this week is two kids in different schools who don't their their little days don't align. Although next year I just found out our town is now doing free pre-K at the elementary school, and they will bust the kids.
Gavin:Nice Okay, so finally you have there is light at the end of your tunnel. Yes. Yes, yes, uh, but it is true. I feel like TikTok is absolutely full of people of parents complaining about spirit weeks, which all tend to take place the week before Christmas, for example. Yeah, and in this case, um 100th day is a little different, although but um yeah, it is a it is a travesty. I mean, you want to talk about fascism, that is forcing spirit bring it back to the Nazis, Gabe and do what you're good at and making our kids dress up is just and it we never know about it until the night before. And hey, the three people in the class picture that dressed up, was it all gay parents? Was it the gays?
David:We're the only gay parents at the at our school, remember? We did there are two lesbians, but I don't count them as anything. Humans, whatever. Um I love what I can actually get you a little bit. Wait, um, speaking of night times, just really quick. Um, I am at a precipice in parenting. And I've already done it with my son, but we're at it with my daughter, and I'm really dreading it because I know what's next. And that is she's still in her crib. She is three, uh-huh. She has not tried to climb out. My son was the same way. He was just dumb enough to never consider it, but he was fully capable of doing it. My daughter is fully capable of climbing out. She has never considered it. So when she wakes up, she'll call for us or whatever. But now she's potty trained, she's not sleeping with a diaper, so she needs access to the bathroom, which means we're going to have to put her in a regular bed soon. And what that means is 9 p.m., 10 p.m., 11:45 p.m., 12.01 a.m. I'm going to get a little tap tap tap on my shoulder. I'm going to like take a giant breath as I'm being sucked out of the dream where I was having sex with Matt Damon from talented Mr. Ripley. And she's going to be like, my blanket is funny. And I'm going to be like, God fucking damn it. So we are leaving the comfort of cribs here.
Gavin:Yes, you are. It's the next two years. I mean, did you now let's revisit this? Did you you did have the colored um timer deal that says you don't wake up? You can't get out of bed when it's until it's green or yellow or whatever. You have one of the things.
David:Yeah, the hatchlights, yeah.
Gavin:Um, yeah, so you have a hatchlight. Do you think do you think your daughter will follow the hatchlight? My daughter I can't even ask that no straight face.
David:She she she is uh again. This is for the for those of you listener who are um are young. There was a time like eight to ten years ago where it was like honey badger, don't give a shit, was like the hottest thing on the internet. Maybe that was 15 years ago. Dating yourself. Yeah, she is the honey badger. She doesn't thought play by anybody's rules. Now, she is getting a little bit better. She's three, but no, she's she's gonna look at that light and just she'll she doesn't give a fuck. But but and my son was a rule for a while.
Gavin:She won't even look at it as the thing.
David:No, not at all. So, anyway, so the the peace of knowing that my daughter is contained in a thing is gonna go away very soon. So, R.I.P. My nights of sleep.
Gavin:That is a very big rite of passage, that's for sure. Yeah. Um, that that's a big one. And oh, I just look back on it though and just think, oh, that was such a sweet time. But I forgot, but I as we all do in the parenting process, I've completely forgotten about those two, three, four years that I was woken up constantly. Constantly. Because they're not held back. But also the fact that your kids haven't climbed out or bothered to climb out yet.
David:It just proves how dumb they are because they like because they are physically very tall, they are but they've always been above the you know 98th percentile. And so they are very capable of doing all of that stuff. They they just don't, they didn't consider it. They did not consider doing it. So it is, and and if it was when they woke you up in the middle of the night, if it was for a real reason, like, hey, somebody's trying to attack me. Um, I'm throwing up something. It's always my blanket is funny. Where's my bear? You know, can I get up now? Like my daughter last night I put her to bed at like 7:45. And at like eight, she was crying. I went up there. She goes, I want to get up. I'm done sleeping. Oh I said, bitch, you've slept for 15 minutes. What are you talking about?
Gavin:So is she yet able to stay in bed with a book? That was one of the things that we would always say is you can stay up now. You can stay up all night, uh all night long. You I encourage you, stay up all night long, but you have to stay in bed. You can stay awake all night long and um and just read books all night long. Here, take this book that Uncle Gavin gave you about the swastikas. Oh, jeez. Exactly. Speaking of our top three list. Well, we're gonna skip my dad hack. Oh, sorry. I was just so excited.
David:That was a really good, that was a good setup. We'll let you get another one. Um, so that this is again one of those dad hacks that's working for me a lot. And it will definitely not work for you because it works for me. But it's something if you have a child either in daycare or maybe just a child who, when you separate, like when you're dropping them off at daycare or you're leaving them with a babysitter, it's always hard. There's crying, there's don't go, the teacher's got to peel them off of you. I have I've had both of those kids. And um, what I have found lately with my daughter that works really well is when I'm ready to go, I don't just say give me a hug and I'm gonna go. I say, How many hugs do you want? And she'll say a number. It's usually between three and five. And then what I'll do is this is the secret here, is between each hug, I kind of push her body away from me, and then I grab her body back and give her the next hug, right? So she's getting used to me separating her from me, and then I grab her in. So it's like a game, and then what she always does, she goes only have one more. So we do the three hugs, and then on the last hug, she goes one more, and then I give her a last hug, and then I kind of push her away and I stand up and I start to walk out. And for whatever reason, that system has totally cured bad drop-offs. I haven't had a bad drop-off in months. So that is my dad hack of the week is say how many hugs do you want, give them those hugs, and in between each hug, kind of move their body away from you so that you start to get used to that separation.
Gavin:It's all about setting expectations also and letting them playing the mind games that lets them think that they have control or that they're in charge. That's great. Gaslight them. Gaslight them. I mean, isn't that what most of parenting is? Yeah. You know what else is a gaslight? I was going to say exactly the same thing. And what else is a gaslight?
David:Yeah.
Gavin:Our top three list. Gatriarch. Top three list. Three, two, one.
David:This is your list.
Gavin:It is my this is my week. Um, I want to uh hear your top three dick jokes. I love it. I cannot wait for this. I'm so excited. Number three for me, where does the penis get his workout outfit? Where? At Dick's Sporting Goods. Okay. That's a good, that's a good, that's a good bronze medal. I don't know that any of these are gonna be gold medals. Okay. For for to be honest. Um number two, how long is my dick? I don't know. I only have one ruler.
David:First of all, you're a white man from Connecticut. We know that that's right. He likes Nazis.
Gavin:For the record.
David:Swasticos, sorry, swastikas.
Gavin:Political opinions are like dicks. It's okay to have them, just don't shove them down people's throats.
David:There you go. That's number one.
Gavin:How about you, David?
David:That was that was number one. All right, for me, number three. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef Stroganoff. Number two, um, if a stork is the bird that brings the baby, what's the bird that prevents one? A swallow. And then number one, um uh a man goes to his doctor uh for his yearly physical, and the doctor tells the man, um, you have to stop masturbating. And the man says, What why? And the doctor says, Because I'm trying to examine you. That one was worth actual laughter. All right. Okay. So next week. Next week is episode 100 of Gatriox. So our top three list is going to be what are your top three favorite moments from the Gatriox podcast?
Gavin:Nice. All right. I have there nothing pops to mind whatsoever. That makes me very sad. So this weekend, I had some really good daddy-daughter time after my daughter won her third place for her. Let's just take it to National History Day and not talk about what was the top of her trifold. And um, she was real quick to milk that and be like, because I got third place? Can we go to the mall? And it was a Saturday afternoon and I didn't really have anything to do. And I mean her favorite thing to do is drive 45 minutes, because again, I live on a dirt road, but drive 45 minutes to the fancy mall. And I was like, you know what? Let's do this. Yeah. So um also sadly I had my computer with me and I thought I'll be able to get some work done, which is pathetic. But on a Saturday night, there I was sitting in front of the Yankee Candle at the West Farms Mall with my computer open, trying to get some work done. But anyway, I was able to indulge her and we went to the mall. And so I got to be super dad for the night. And then I was, she said, can we go to McDonald's? Which is a big treat for her. And she had her best friend with her. And I was like, better yet, let's go to Red Robin. Have you been to a Red Robin this century? I don't think so. It's a hamburger place, right? Yes. Yeah, no. Endless fries. That's their claim to fame is endless fries. So anyway, my something great this weekend is Red Robin and living that suburban life where we went to a mall on a Saturday afternoon and went to Red Robin on a Saturday night. And the something great about it was just like my childhood in a nutshell, I suppose, sharing it with my daughter, who was completely unimpressed by Red Robin.
David:But but also very like I'm very proud of you for like letting go. You're usually so good. You were just like, fuck it, let's just have yeah, let's just have a great day and just split.
Gavin:How sad that you're proud of me for uh being indulgent and not over controlling. But yeah, I like it. I let go and let God. Oh, Jesus. So to speak, I suppose.
David:My son is not going to your house properly.
Gavin:What about you?
David:Um so this week, my uh my son is in kindergarten and I got a little slip in the bag that says we're doing Read Across America week, which if you're listening to this, I think was two or three weeks ago. And they're saying, if you're interested in coming to the class to read a book, you may do that, and you can sign up here. And I'm like, fuck yes. But then I was like, am I gonna embarrass him? Like, I don't know. Like he's still young, so he's not embarrassed by me yet. He'll roll his eyes every once in a while, but he's not like super embarrassed, like I'm sure your kids are embarrassed of you. Oh, you're embarrassing, but that they're teens and preteens. Right. So I signed up and I read, um, I came to his class, and it was so fun because I've never gotten to see him in his class with his kids because I hear about all the kids' names and where they sit. So I came in and he got to sit up with me on this like special chair, and I got to read this book, which was so fun, and like I could just feel him beaming, like staring at me, and just so excited and so proud to have you there and bragging. Obviously, I was like a performance. I was like, this has to be Broadway caliber. Absolutely. And I had like an interaction where like I would say one thing and the kids had to repeat back to me, and they all thought I did a really good job, and I was very proud of myself. So, anyway, my something great is about me, and it was about my performance reading for my son's kindergarten class, which was so fun.
Gavin:And that's our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
David:Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast on the internet. David is at DavidFm Bond Everywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge on its history, guys.
Gavin:Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcasts.
David:Thanks, and we will see you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.
