Why Setting Healthy Boundaries Is So Hard -- But Important -- for Midlife Women

Personal boundaries help us have healthy relationships with ourselves and others. 

Why then, do midlife women find it so hard to set and maintain healthy boundaries? Much of it relates to the lessons we learned as little girls. But we're all grown up now, and those people-pleasing ways that seemed to serve and protect us when we were young are no longer serving us.

In order to have healthy long-term relationships with family members, friends and our work colleagues, we need to figure out how to speak up for ourselves, learn to say "no" and demand that those around us respect the boundaries we set. It won't be an easy process, but it will be worth it.

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Transcript

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If you've struggled with setting boundaries in the past, whether that is. With family members or friendships or other relationships, or even at work. This episode is for you today. We're talking about healthy boundaries. Why you need them, how to set them and how setting and. Maintaining healthy boundaries will change your life. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Well, Hey there, welcome back to the school of mid-life podcast. Today, we are talking about boundaries. And why it is so stinking hard for midlife women to set and maintain healthy boundaries. To level set here when we get started, what are boundaries? I mean, we hear a lot about setting boundaries, maintaining healthy boundaries. We kind of all have an idea about what we think they are. But when we're talking about boundaries, we are talking about physical, emotional, mental space separation that we all need to help us feel valued and safe and respected. At their very core, healthy boundaries, help us have healthy relationships with ourselves and others. And this is particularly important for midlife women who are accustomed to doing everything for everyone else first. Right. And resigning themselves to whatever is left over. I sometimes think it's easier to think about physical boundaries, like on a map. when we're looking at a map or a globe, You can see that. Different states and different countries are divided by boundaries. They are literally lines on a map. And typically, those boundaries are respected. well, maybe unless you're Bladimir Putin, but most of us respect the sovereignty of another country. We understand that we respect boundaries of other states. And even though you literally cannot see them on the ground, like I can't go to the border between Idaho and Washington and see any line that exists there to show me where the boundary is. We just as states respect that there is a boundary there. Same thing with people. We obviously cannot see the boundaries that they set, but we can feel them, right. We, we can feel a physical or emotional or mental separation. Maybe not a mental separation, but we can feel the separation physically and emotionally. We know when we encounter a boundary. Most of us though are uncomfortable setting them. And part of that is because we were never really taught how to set healthy boundaries. Think about when you were a little girl, this whole idea. I mean, we were all conditioned and taught to be a good girl. Sometimes that meant smiling for photos, even if he didn't feel like it. It could have meant hugging that creepy uncle that made you feel uncomfortable. Maybe it was being quiet around a parent so as not to trigger rage in them. Um, I definitely remember spending the night at a sleepover, even when I didn't want to be there. There was a lot of this play nice. Do what we tell you to do. Don't rock the boat. So it's really no wonder then that as we aged into adulthood, It's sometimes hard to express when we're feeling uncomfortable. Because again, we were taught that it was rude or insensitive, or God forbid that we make someone else feel uncomfortable. Especially, you know, if they're talking too close to us or they go in for that side hug, boob, grab thing, you know what I'm talking about? They do that a little too often. Sometimes it's not even physical. Sometimes they're just taking advantage of our time. Or they assume that whatever they have going on is more important and that will drop everything to help them out. And honestly, We've taught the people in our life to act like that around us, because we haven't set or maintain healthy boundaries historically in our life. We have let people take advantage of us because we've kept quiet when we felt uncomfortable. Or we didn't speak up when we felt like we should speak up because we didn't want to rock the boat. Personally, I have struggled with this my entire life. I've been spanked twice in my life. I remember exactly why. So when we talk about being a good girl, I was the quintessential firstborn. Didn't rock the boat never got in trouble. Did exactly what I was asked to do. Exactly what I was supposed to do. And. I thought showing up in that way was serving me well. Um, what I didn't realize is. It, it just made me a great, a people pleaser. And because I was saying yes to what everyone else needed from me. I wasn't focused on putting myself first or taking care of what I needed to take care of too accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish to live the life I wanted to live to be really settled in who I am and how I wanted to live. And it is really come down for me. This whole idea of saying yes to something. means I'm automatically saying no to something else. Or conversely, in order for me to do what I want to do and live the way that I want to live. I necessarily have to say no to some of the requests I get from other people. And by saying no to them, even though that inner people pleaser doesn't want somebody to be upset with me, doesn't want other people to be unhappy or, or feel uncomfortable that inner people pleaser has to also be mindful of showing up for herself. it's particularly important as now, as I continue to build the media company, that is a school of midlife. I literally cannot do everything I want to do there simply are not enough hours in the day. There aren't enough hours in the week. Which means I have to pick and choose. Which has led to some uncomfortable conversations about commitments that I have made to other people. Um, I've I've agreed to serve on way too many boards. You know, because I didn't want to say no to begin with. I was flattered to be asked. They are causes I care deeply about, but I just don't have enough time. I can't show up for every client event. I can't go to every lunch or coffee. I've become very choosy about what I say yes to. And it's not because I don't want to go have wine with friends or go meet people for coffee. It's literally that I just don't have enough time to do that and pursue what's important to me. Put another way: setting healthy boundaries is learning to prioritize ourselves in our own life. It might feel different. It might feel foreign. It might even make you a little uncomfortable. Because you haven't ever done that in the past. Right. You've been focused on other people. The things that are important to them. The things that they need you to do. The ways in which you can show up for them in their life. And in doing so you have made them and their life a priority for you. But just because we used to show up in a certain way, doesn't mean that we can't change how we show up going forward. And changing the way that we show up necessarily includes creating boundaries in relationships in our life. The most common boundaries relate either to time or action. As it relates to time. Certain relationships require that we limit our time or exposure to a person or the relationship. Sometimes we need to limit the one-on-one contact we have with that person. Sometimes we need to make sure that we're only interacting with that person in a group. Because the group dynamic can help temper can help mitigate the impact that person has on us. So we can limit the amount of time around that person or in that setting. Relating to action. Those boundaries typically fall into one of two camps, one getting comfortable. speaking up for yourself. Especially, if you have been somebody who has typically been quiet. To avoid conflict. Or have placated the other persons thoughts actions desires wants. Just. To not rock the boat. Because it's easier for you to just go along, whatever they're saying or whatever they're doing or whatever they're asking of you. The other action is learning to say no. Learning to say no is so hard for so many of us. We equate the word. No, with rejection. We think that when we're saying no to someone that they will take it personally. Partly because we sometime. Take other people's knows personally. We don't want. Them to be upset with us. We don't want them to be frustrated with us. We want to make other people happy. And we think that. By saying yes to all the things for all the people. That we. That we can somehow control the situation and make it better for ourselves. But that's just not how it works. Learning how to am being comfortable with saying no is actually vital for setting healthy boundaries. Let's take a look at how boundary setting or lack of boundary setting. Might be playing out or showing up in your life let's start with family members. When you start setting and keeping healthy boundaries. You will get pushback from family members. Uh, absolutely 100%. You should. Take that to the bank fully expected. They're going to wonder what is wrong with you? They're going to tell you that you're not acting like yourself. And the truth of the matter is you are. More acting like yourself than you ever have in the past. Because you're finally speaking up. After decades of not doing so. I know for me, I have personally been described as selfish or narcissistic. Or self-absorbed not because I am any of those things. But because I finally started setting boundaries that. Serve me and the life I want to live. Which has made. Things sometimes uncomfortable for family members who are accustomed to me showing up in a certain way. You know, I used to placate them or maybe not challenge them or their words. Especially if they were hurtful or, um, I didn't agree with them or they just, they made me feel something less than I should. And that's that's. A hundred percent back to that. Idea of being a good girl. But once you start. Setting healthy boundaries. You're literally changing the role in your relationship. Which also means that those rules of engagement or the balance of power that used to be historically in that relationship. They're different and that feels foreign to them. So they'll say things like you've changed. Your different. They could even say you're acting like a little bitch. They just feel different. It's inconvenient for them, right? When you, when you start saying no, I'm not going to put my plans on hold to go pick up your dry cleaning or run your lacrosse uniform to school. I'm not going to skip my meeting so that I can go shop for. A birthday gift that you forgot to buy a guy I know. reached out to me because he was convinced that his wife was having a midlife crisis and he described it as she's going crazy. I can't count on her to do anything I've asked her to do. I, she doesn't show up. she's giving me all of the, this run around in this pushback. I just don't understand. I mean, it's been real, real fun. And he was being heavy on the sarcasm when he was talking about it being fun. But after a little bit more digging with him. It's just, I think that his wife had finally started setting some boundaries in the relationship. And because. That was different than how they had interacted with each other. For the past 20 years, it felt really strange to him. And it almost felt threatening. Because she was no longer placating him or doing everything that he asked her to do. Um, She was finally looking out for number one. And because. Our family members are so used to a showing up in a certain way. It's almost threatening to them. When we finally decide that it's time to set some, some boundaries and, and stick with them. This can also show up in close friendships and relationships. Again, Much like with family members. What feels different is the change in the relationship it's palatable. It happens a lot when. There are. People in your friends circle who tend to be a little. Negative. they want to meet you for wine or lunch and. Every thing is going wrong with them. Their marriage, their job, their kids. And I get it. We all have bad days and we want to unload in a safe space. But when every day for that person is a bad day. It's exhausting. It's it. For me, it just becomes too much. That's not the kind of energy or mindset I want in my life. So I have found in cases where. People are being overly negative all of the time. I have to limit my time around that person. Especially one-on-one time. Sometimes, if we can get together in a group. That might help, that might temper some of the negativity. Because, you know, if, if you've got one person in the group that tends towards negativity, then. The rest of you can get together and, and buoy up and, and. Raise the level of conversation. I would say though, be aware of what I like to call the negativity pile on where. You go have wine with your girlfriends. And one of them says, Oh, my husband did this and it's driving me crazy. And then. All the sudden it becomes this negativity pile on, which is you think what your husband did is bad listened to this, or that sucks that your kid was a little asshole, but listen to what my kid did. Right? So you're kind of one upping each other on the suck meter and it's totally emotionally draining. Another way that shows up with friendships is if your, the one who has historically done all the planning in the relationships and the friendships. You're the one that has made sure that birthdays are celebrated and girls nights out are planned. And, you know, you figure out vacations to go on or weekends away. And everyone around you is super willing to come along, but they don't tend to take any initiative when it comes to planning. And that has historically fallen on your shoulders. And it's not that you don't want to plan. It's just that you kind of want someone else to step up. And when they don't. Then they might reach out to you and ask what's going on and wonder when you're going to plan the next thing. But. It's not your job to make sure that everyone around you is entertained or having a great time or. Or that they're able to spend time doing really cool things for them that you plan. Sometimes. You need to just sit back and let someone else take the reins. While you take care of yourself. And focus on what's important to you. And when they do step up, if they do. You can decide if spending more time. With them is important. Or if you just need to take a time out and sit this one out. A lot of times we. And counter boundaries or the need to set boundaries when it comes to our work settings. Employers. Sometimes not terribly good at respecting our. Time off or our weekends. Think about that. That manager in the movie"Office Space". where he would come up. Uh, he'd show up to the cubicle late on a Friday with his coffee cup and take a sip and just say, yep. I'm going to need you to come in this weekend. And oftentimes our. Colleagues or our bosses just assume that we will be willing to work late to finish a project. Because that's what we've always done. it's What I like to call the corporate policy of more work, same pay. I'm going to give you more work because you're capable. You don't complain your a team player, you will do it. And they know that you'll stay as late as they need you to that. You're going to come in on the weekends. You're probably even going to check emails on your vacation. If you are someone who has always done these things, you're probably going to have to have a conversation with your boss or your partners or your colleagues. That those expectations. That you will willingly. Set aside. Your own life. For work priorities. That's no longer working for you. You're going to have to. Have the conversations with them so that they quit taking advantage of you. But until you start setting boundaries with them and tell them that you can't work late, that you already have plans. That your weekends are spoken for. Until you have that conversation. They're just going to keep treating you the way that you have always allowed them to treat you. For most of us. The key here, whether it's in family relationships or personal relationships or work relationships. The key is learning how to say no. And that is particularly hard for people pleasers. I know I'm one myself. Interestingly, I've been reading a lot about people pleasing. And it turns out it's a trauma response. Um, I've been reading and learning a lot about inner child wounds and how they play into. This trauma responsive becomes people pleasing. We are going to dive into that in another episode, it's, it's really incredible and fascinating. The things that I'm learning about. I think I'll probably bring on an expert to talk to us. But we'll, we'll talk about. People pleasing trauma response, inner child wounds in another episode. Back to saying no. though. You don't need to feel compelled to justify why you can't do something. When you are asked to do something for someone else. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that no. Is a complete sentence. I mean, you might as well say no thank you to appraise that inner. Well-mannered child that, that good girl. But. No. Thank you is a complete sentence. Your your know could mean that you have other plans. You're no could mean that you want to stay home and do nothing. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to go into this long explanation of why you can't do something. if you receive an invitation to do something, That. Conflicts with what you have planned, even if what you have planned is sitting on the couch and reading a book. The response. Is a thank you for the invitation. But I have other plans. I'll leave you with these. Six thoughts about boundaries in no particular order. First. Boundary setting is going to force some difficult conversations that are probably overdue. You know, you've been putting them off. It's finally time to start having them, even if they're uncomfortable. Second. Not everyone will be happy about it. The people who will be most unhappy are those who have benefited from you not having clear boundaries in the past. I'm going to say that again, because I think it's really important. The people who will be most unhappy with you. Are those who have benefited from your past people pleasing ways. They've benefited from you not having clear boundaries in the past. They're the ones who like the old you, the ones. Who. Like the fact that you stepped up to take care of everyone else. And put yourself last. They're the ones who like the old you, because you kept your opinions to yourself. And your hopes and dreams to yourself. And you only pursued them if it didn't inconvenience. The people around you. there was no disruption of the balance of power or. How the relationship has always and historically button. But. I would guess. That. Although those people. Won't be happy with it. They're probably the ones that you most need to protect yourself. They're the ones that are. Most. In need of a healthy boundary. Third. I promise you saying no, we'll get easier over time. It might feel uncomfortable at first. I get it. You're not accustomed to telling people no. You want to tell people? Yes, you want them to feel good. You want to make everyone around you happier. But. Saying no is just like a muscle. The more you exercise your no muscle, the stronger it will become. The easier it will be to say no. Keep at it. Fourth. You might lose friends. If. You putting yourself first? Feels like an inconvenience to them. They might not stick around. I would ask you to consider this though. Are they really your good friends? If they don't respect the boundaries that you're setting for yourself. Are they really. Good friends. If. They don't honor. And respect. The boundaries that you tell them that you need. Fifth. Changing the balance of power in relationships can be very tough. I mean, you've always shown up as a certain someone in a relationship. When you change. Those rules of engagement in the relationship and, and the balance of power. There is going to be some friction that you have to work through. If the relationship is important to you. You're going to do that work. You're going to have those critical conversations. Just know. That there will probably be some pushback. There are going to be some. Tough conversations that are long overdue. If those relationships are important enough, they will survive. That doesn't mean. That it's going to be all roses from the get-go. And finally. You will ultimately be happier. I know it's going to be hard at first. But think about it this way. You're finally looking out for yourself. That is such a good thing. It's it's this whole idea of putting your oxygen mask on first? It's. You are doing something for yourself. It's such a good thing, but remember. That not all good change feels that way in the beginning. It can be hard. There will be times where you just want to give in and. Go back to what you have always done. Two. Take care of the situation to take care of the people around you to do all of that at the expense of your own self. I would encourage you. To stay the course. To keep showing up for yourself. Even. If it's hard in the beginning, even if it's hard after a while. I promise you. It will be worth it. It's time to go out there and set some healthy boundaries, your homework for the week. This week on school of midlife. Is too. Take a look at the relationships in your life, figure out where those critical conversations are that you need to be having that you've kind of been avoiding. Figure out what's important to you in this season of your life. Figure out who gets to be a part of your next chapter. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the School of Midlife podcast. I'd love it if you would take a moment and leave me a five star review so that we can spread the word to other mid-life women. Then join my mailing list. The link is in the show notes. And if you're ready to make midlife your best life, you can also find out more about how to work with me in the show notes. I'll see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session.