Redefining Success: What Does It Mean to You?

In this week's episode of the School of Midlife podcast, we tackle the tricky topic of how to define success in your own life. Midlife is the perfect time to stop chasing others' definitions of success and get really clear on what success means to YOU. 

Laurie shares:
- Why societal measures of success like job titles and salary don't guarantee fulfillment
- The problem with seeking external validation and approval 
- How to know when you've achieved success according to your own definition
- Her journey leaving law to redefine success for herself
- Key questions to ask to shape your own definition of success 

Discover how to tune out the noise and get really clear on what success looks like in your own life. Stop chasing goals just because you "should" and learn how to define success on your own terms.

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Transcript

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But the problem is. We'll never get there because we just keep moving the mark because we don't actually know what it is that we're working towards. And if you don't know how you define success. Then here's a question I have for you. How will, you know, when you achieve it? Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Hey there. Welcome back to the school of midlife podcast. I am so excited that you are here today. we are talking about. Success. I've had a lot of conversations with women lately. And it just, it feels like. Very successful women are still grappling with this idea of. Why don't I feel like I'm successful. I mean, I, I feel like I've done all the things that were expected of me. But I just feel like something's missing. So in order to get to the bottom of. Some of those feelings because they, they really seem. I don't know if it's the time of the year. But they seem very pervasive that there are a lot of women right now who are worried about. Getting back on track or they just, you know, They feel like they, they took some of the time of the summer off. And they want to get back into the new routine. So they talk about getting back on track. Maybe it is that they're looking at the, the rest of the year. I mean, at the time his episodes drops. It is October. And there are. Three months left in the year. So. I'm not sure what's in the water, but. I feel like there are a lot of women right now who are talking about success and what it means to them and, and feeling like they're not measuring up. Trying to figure out how they need to double down and get back on track and, you know, You get back on the success train. So that's what we're talking about today. I'm going to start with one of my favorite quotes by Maya Angelou. And she says that success is liking yourself. Liking what you do and liking how you do it. Notice there is nothing in that quote that talks about. Your job title or your salary? And what's so interesting to me is that is how we are taught to measure success. Isn't it. What is your job title? What is your salary? So this idea of success is integrally tied to what we do and how we're compensated. And that's, that's also similar to, if you, if you will look up success in a dictionary. There are a number of different definitions. But they all kind of relate to this idea of it's an accomplishment of an aim or accomplishment of a purpose. Or some sort of satisfactory completion or outcome of a task. So it's very externally. Driven. You know, things that, that other people can see and we'll circle back to this. The difference between external validation and internal validation. But suffice it to say. We have been taught. Pretty much our whole life to measure success by. Our job title and our salary. And. I would submit that. Those, those should only be really a small piece of how we define success. I mean, what about. shouldn't our mental health and our physical health and relationships, growth opportunities, job satisfaction, just kind of all of those. Pieces of our life. Shouldn't those also be included in a definition of success. I think that they should. What's what's interesting to me though, is as mid-life women. Most of us. Have. Grown up with this idea that in order to be successful, We need to check all of the, what I, what I like to call the success boxes right there on a checklist. They, they are things like go to school, check, get a job, check, buy a house, get married, have kids check, check, check. So they are things that people. Expect us to do that. We have been conditioned to want. And conditioned to define success in that way. But let me, let me ask you this. I mean, I don't have kids. Sure. I went to school and I got a job and I got married and I bought a house, but I don't have kids. So does that make me. Unsuccessful. I don't think so. Similarly, what about the stay-at-home mom? Who gets married and, you know, goes to school, gets married. And stays home. I mean, never really gets a job or if she does get a job. Leaves the workforce to raise her children. I don't think anyone would say that she's not successful. So the question then becomes. How do you define success? And I think it's probably different for everyone. Um, But it's, it's very hard. If you ask. Of midlife woman. Are you successful? It's hard for them to answer. Yes. Because. They have been programmed to believe that success is. Invariably measured. By the next thing. That we're chasing. Right. Because. We've been conditioned up to this point. We've been conditioned by our parents. And society who have told us. What we should want and what success looks like. So instead of trying to get quiet and listen to the inner voice inside. Of all of us. We. Succumb to some of the noise. That we can only be successful. If. We are successful by the parameters that society gives us. And what's interesting about that. Is then success. Is this yardstick by which we use to compare ourselves to everyone else around us. Right. it can become this dangerous unproductive loop that. We can only be successful if we're successful by what society values or how society. Define success. And again, that's a lot of times earn the degree, get the job, get married, have kids. By the house. Have the cars have the vacation home. It's this, this constant keeping up with the Joneses, this, this constant comparison, you know, how are you doing compared to your parents? How are you doing compared to your siblings or your neighbors? Or your friends or even your frenemies. It's so interesting to me that. with social media. We are finding ourselves whether we are consciously do it. Or not, but we're comparing ourselves to. People from high school, even people we didn't even talk to in high school, but because social media. Puts all of it out there for us to see. Now, not only are we comparing ourselves by our, are we successful by every societal measure? But. Are we as successful or more successful or less successful? Then the people that we went to high school with that we didn't even talk to. Right. I mean. Who cares about their opinions of us, who cares if they think that we're successful? But by and large, we do it all the time. I mean, Why, why do we care that the cheerleader from high school, the one that, you know, we had nothing in common with and who wasn't particularly nice to us. Why do we care that she has a new car? Or that she has a new vacation home or that she's got, you know, she just got divorced and she's got this huge rock on her finger. Think about it. I mean, We tend as women, we tend to use comparison. So that we feel. Better about ourselves. You know, maybe we don't love the way our body looks. But it looks much better than this woman or a much better than that woman, or maybe we're feeling a little under appreciated at home, but wow. I mean, I mean, we're doing a much better job parenting our child than say this person or that person. And. And, you know, there's probably some guilt mom, guilt. Is is totally a thing. I. I obviously haven't experienced, but I know my friends who are mothers and work outside of the home. They feel terrible and guilty that, maybe they miss a game or. Um, they're not home in time to help with the math homework. And so somebody else has to help their child figure that out. But whatever it is, there's, there's always this. Guilt associated with, should I be home more? Should, you know, should I stop working? But I, I like working and isn't that setting a good example for my daughter. And my children that, that their mother is. Employed outside of the home doing something for her that brings her a lot of satisfaction. Well, here's the thing. I mean, Until we know how we define success. Then we will never be able to stop that constant comparison. Right. We'll always be trying to figure up. How are we measuring up? Are we doing better than our parents did. Our 401k's bigger than our siblings. You know that the neighbors moved in, in the big brand new house. Are they financially better off than we are. Instead of. Figuring out what's important to us and how we define success, We're stuck on this constant comparison. How am I doing compared to everyone else around me, everyone else in my life. Everyone else that I see on social media. And here's another problem with not knowing how we individually define success. We are super good at moving the goalpost. And what I mean by that. Is. When we finally achieve something big, something that we've been working towards. So maybe we finally earned the promotion at work. Or we train and finish our first marathon or we finally make partner or we celebrate the anniversary or some other big milestone. Most people would think that that would be a cornerstone or a mark of success. And, and it is, and you should think you are successful when you get that promotion or run the marathon or celebrate the milestone. But here's the thing. Because. You are chasing success. In the way that society has told you, you should want to receive it. Right? So you are. successful by the societal measure, not necessarily how you define success. The problem with that is once you achieve whatever the thing is that you thought would make you successful. You're going to get to that success. Marker. And you won't feel like you thought you would. You. Might have a fleeting moment of feeling successful. But the problem is. It won't stick. Because. Your. Again, in this comparison. Your doing things to look good to other people, to earn their approval, to get their validation. And so it's not going to actually fill you up internally in the way that you hoped it would. So to combat that. The assumption. Is naturally, well, I just, I need to do more. I won't be successful until I do more. And so. The cycle starts again, right. We double down and add more to the to-do list and busy up the calendar. And. Internally, whether we realize it or not, we are telling ourselves, well, if this didn't make me successful, I need to keep going until I do. I need to set my sights higher. I need to move that goalpost farther away. And just keep working until I get there. But the problem is. We'll never get there because we just keep moving the mark because we don't actually know what it is that we're working towards. And if you don't know how you define success. Then here's a question I have for you. How will, you know, when you achieve it? Because if we don't know. What it is. That. Would make us feel successful. If we don't know how we individually define success. Then we're just going to keep chasing success. Most of this is tied to a lot of external validation and approval that. We were raised to crave when we were little We can go into internal family system some other time or inner child trauma and coping mechanisms, because this all relates back to that. But. The truth is if, If you were trying to succeed in other areas of your life, because you were chasing that external validation or that approval that you so desperately want. You're never going to feel successful. Because. Truth is that external validation in that approval? You. You're not going to find it. If that's the only thing that you're searching for. And. I might add that I. Don't think. It's the external validation and approval. you're looking for. Yeah, that might feel good for a hot minute. When somebody around, you says how I'm really impressed by what you did there, or congratulations. That that was incredible. You really did a great job on that presentation. You knocked it out of the park. That feels good. Right? When somebody sees us doing something good and they compliment a sonnet, they reward us for it. But. Until you. They get busy correcting. Gosh, how do I want to say this? Most of us are. Working. Seeking. Trying to find. The feeling that makes us feel like we finally have everything we always thought we ever wanted. Right. Because then we'll feel fulfilled, then we'll be successful. But. Here's the hard truth. That's an inside job. It's completely tied to knowing what you want and not what you've been conditioned to watch. But what you actually want. And why you want it. And. Knowing believing. Understanding that you're already enough. Right now. Just as you are. Even if you never accomplished or achieved anything else. You have to believe on some level and not just surface level, but actually deep down believe that. Your enough. And you're worthy right now. Even if you don't. Succeed at anything else in your life? I know from conversations with high achieving mid-life women, that they are so damn tired of people. posting things about, oh, I am enough or hashtag I am worthy. things along those lines, because. They feel like it placates women, you know, it's kinda talking down to them. I mean, these are high achieving, very successful women. So, of course they're enough. Of course they're worthy. But interestingly enough. While they're saying that on one hand, they don't necessarily believe it on the other. So. It's important. No, in fact, it's imperative. That. If you really are chasing success. If you really want to feel that way. You need to start at home. You've got to figure out what is going to make you feel worthy and make you feel enough. And no. That right now. You are, and no one can do that for you. That is a internal belief. That, that you absolutely need to embrace and take it as. Fact. Believe it as fact. The you don't need anything else. To make you more successful or make you feel more successful. I want to share with you the story of a fishermen. This one has gone around before. So you, you may have heard it before, or at least some version of it. But I think it beautifully illustrates what I'm talking about today. So here's the story of the fishermen. And American investment banker who was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with, with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large tuna. His, you know, the fishermen had just caught the American, complimented the man on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. The fishermen replied. Well only a little while. And then the American asked, well then why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish? The fishermen said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American men asks. But what do you do with the rest of your time? The fishermen said, well, I sleep late. I fish a little during the day. I go home and I play with my children. I take naps with my wife. Then I stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. And he sat back for a moment. He smiled and he said, I have a very full and busy life. And the American scoffed. I am a wealthy and successful businessman. I have a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You know what. You should spend more time fishing. And with those proceeds buy a bigger boat. And then with the proceeds, from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats. And eventually you would own an entire fleet of fishing boats. So instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you could then sell directly to the processor. And eventually opened your own cannery. Then you could control the product, the processing, the distribution. You, I mean, You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens. Of course. Because you need to be there to run your expanding enterprise. Fishermen thought for a minute and asked. But how long will all of this take? The American replied. 15 to 20 years. And then what asked the fishermen? The American laughed and said, that's the best part. When the time is right. You could then announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions. Millions asked the fishermen. Then what. The American said, well, then you could retire. You can move to a small coastal. Fishing village, where you would sleep late, fish, a little play with your kids. Take naps with your wife stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your friends. Seeing the problem here. I mean the fishermen had, he already had everything he ever wanted. He already was successful by his definition of success. Why then would he change? The way he was living because he w because someone else. Told him that he would be more successful if he did something. A different way. And that in my opinion is the biggest reason to figure out. How you define success? Because you're probably already more successful than you think. Hear me when I say this. If your definition of success is a job you love. A spouse or a partner you love. Taking time off to take a vacation each year, raising healthy children. And you already have those things. Then your already successful. You're already a success. It doesn't matter what your title is or what your salary is. If you define success as a job, you love. A partner. You love. Some time to take a vacation every year. Raising healthy children. And you already have those. You're already a success. You don't have to live this exorbitant life to be successful. In fact, in my opinion, the simpler, your definition of success, the more likely you are to be successful. And, and don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that you should lower your standards. You don't need to settle for a life that doesn't. Doesn't make you feel the feel. Doesn't make you feel the feel. Oh my gosh. That is hard. That is a tongue twister. Doesn't make you feel fulfilled. Third. Time's the charm there. You don't have to be unfulfilled. Let's say it that way. You don't have to settle for that. You don't have to settle for something that. Isn't ultimately what you want. But if you take inventory of your life right now and realize that you already have everything that you want and it makes you happy. Then the next question is, do you really need to take on more responsibilities at work? Do you need to buy the newest car? Or move to the bigger house or constantly be trading up for the latest and greatest. I mean. Are you only working harder? To eventually have what you already have, like the fishermen, right? If he were to work harder. Using the American's plan. And isn't that just so American of the businessman to impart his. Unsolicited advice on the fishermen who was living the best, most successful life. Uh, on his own terms. But. It doesn't make sense for the fishermen to work any harder. Spend more time and money building this fishing. Enterprise. Only two. Be able to sell it in the future and make enough money to live the life that he was already living. Success can be simple. It doesn't have to be hard. Success can be an internal job. When I quit practicing law. I realized that my definition of success was not whether I was partner. Or how I was compensated or if my name was going to be on the letterhead with the title partner afterwards, or The big salary that would accompany by it. Took me awhile, but what I, what I realized was the way I define success is. Doing what I want to do with people. I want to do it with. When and where I want to be doing it. It's simple. And yeah, there's no big title associated with it. There's no big paycheck that comes and runs with it. But. I'm okay with that. I mean. If I already have everything I want to feel whole and successful. Then why do I need to spend a bunch of years? Uh, amassing more. Money and more. Title. So that I can simply retire. And do the things I'm already doing. It's like the fishermen, right? I know, it sounds simple. But. How do you define success? Are you a success by your own definition? If not. What is it going to take you to get you there? And if you are. Do you need to keep chasing. All of the other external societal measures of success, just so that you can feel better about yourself. Those are questions that only you can answer. I can't answer them for you. But in my opinion, there are questions. You absolutely have to figure out how to answer for yourself. And remember when you are coming up with your answer, simpler is better. With that thank you so much for being here today make it a great week and i will see you back here next week when the school of midlife is back in session Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the School of Midlife podcast. I'd love it if you would take a moment and leave me a five star review so that we can spread the word to other mid-life women. Then join my mailing list. The link is in the show notes. And if you're ready to make midlife your best life, you can also find out more about how to work with me in the show notes. I'll see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session.