84. Who Run the World? Why the School of Midlife Is Not Co-Ed

In this week's episode, Laurie is answering a question she receives all the time about the School of Midlife. That is: why is it for women only?

Laurie posits that the world is set up for men. She uses real-life examples of why midlife women need a safe, supportive community like the School of Midlife. You'll definitely be able to relate to this one!

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Sometimes you just have to get a little something off of your chest. This is one of those episodes that is a little bit, shall we say it's a bit of a rant? It's in response to a number of inquiries I've received lately. From mostly men. And, I just felt like I needed to address them. So here it is unfiltered. What's on my chest. This is a spicy one. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. This is the podcast for the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life Well, Hey there, welcome back to another episode of the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host Laurie Reynoldson, and I am thrilled to have you here with me today. In today's episode, I'm going to talk about a message, a direct message. I received recently on social media. And what's interesting is I have. Not only received messages on social media, but when people find out what I do with the School of Midlife work with midlife women, to help them. Give them the tools, the mindset, the. Community to create their best life and midlife. A lot of times. I will get comments similar to the message that I received. And it is: why do you only work with women? Men need help too. So why are you only working with women? I mean, isn't that doing? A disservice isn't that discriminatory? Isn't that? Playing favorites. A couple of years ago, a woman. A female coach. Who has the same Accreditation and coaching credentials She's also a certified high-performance coach. She even made a comment that I was doing a disservice to the world by only working with women because men need help too. And anytime I am approached with that kind of question or that kind of statement. Of course that's true. I mean, we are in a, a world where we all could use a little bit of help. But why do I only work with women? Why was that an intentional decision on my part? Because the world is set up for men. It is 100% set up for them to live the life they want to live and women for the most part. Are asked to play supporting roles to the men in our lives. Not always. Certainly. I mean, there are. Of course, there are outliers. I get that. There are examples. That you could come up with where the woman is, the primary breadwinner. The man is at home. Supporting her, but. That is few and far between. I mean, can we agree that the head is not typically the norm? And if we really look at it, The world is set up for men. I mean, just think about. In. A professional setting. The world is set up for men to achieve for men to be successful. If women are successful. In a professional setting, particularly if it's a male dominated career. We are applauded and promoted. And validated when we exhibit. Male. Qualities like logic we're a hard worker. And we're a high achiever when we. Achieve or reach that level of success. Then we are applauded. But what's so interesting. Is. Even when. We're successful in a professional setting. We are still as women. Expected to. Keep things under control. At home. We are expected to work all day. Come home. Make sure everything is operating smoothly at home. So. While. We're at work. And we are. Validated and promoted for exhibiting these male qualities. We also have to pivot when we get home. Do not be too masculine. Because, you know, someone. The men in our lives expect to be taken care of. As women, we are the go-to. Four. The kids. But what's so interesting to me is yes. They want to see us being logical and hardworking and achieving in the workplace. But here's the rub. They don't want us to be too emotional. Right. I mean, yes, please. Get your work done. Get it done. Well, make us a lot of money. But don't be too emotional. Because otherwise we're going to. Label you as unhinged. I remember early on in my career, I was a corporate lawyer I led a team of four attorneys and two paralegals. And. There was one day where. At one of my reviews, my boss said you were doing incredible work. Your team. Is functioning at a level that that team has never functioned at before. We are so proud. Of everything that you have done to turn your team around. But. We need you to be. A little softer at work. We need you to ask your coworkers about how their weekend was and take some. Interest. In there. Life outside of work. I remember sitting in that meeting. And I'm fine with constructive criticism. I absolutely am. I mean, The people pleasing part of me, the good girl, part of me, the. The perfection seeker. It always stings a little bit to know that there is room for improvement, I want to do as well as I can do. And I was particularly that way early on in my career. But I remember sitting in that meeting thinking two things, one. Please don't cry, please. Don't cry, please. Don't cry. Like, keep it together. Keep your shit together. Laurie do not cry. Because what I don't want them to see is you being weak. I don't want them to think that you're too emotional, that you can't handle the responsibility and the stress, like keep your shit together. Do not cry. So I'm thinking that. And then on the other hand, I'm thinking. You would never be having this conversation with a man. You would never tell a high achieving high performing man that you are doing. Fantastic work. We just need you to take a little bit more interest in the personal lives of the members on your team. We would not do that. And it's this double standard. And those of us. I would say women across the board have experienced this. Women who have worked in male dominated industries in particular. I know you have, but. We are. As women expected to. B. All of the good things. Have all of the good characteristics of our high achieving male counterparts. But also the soft characteristics of. Empathy. And. Emotionality. And. Soft skills. That are more typically related to women. We have to have them, both our male counterparts do not have to do that. So they can be as hardworking. Diligent diligent isn't even the word. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a meme and I thought it was so interesting. A little girl is asking her mother, mom, what's the difference between the two words assertive and aggressive. And the mom's reply was sex. Think about that. That. If a man. Is. Exhibiting. Characteristics that you would describe as assertive. If you put a woman in that situation, exhibiting the exact same characteristics more often than not our society is going to label her as aggressive. That's the difference, right? Assertive and aggressive. I started thinking about other. Ways that we describe men versus women in the workplace. As an attorney. So oftentimes we would head into negotiations and. A man who was negotiating hard, we would call him a bulldog. And clients wanted the bulldog attorney. What's interesting though, is if a woman, when a woman exhibit the exact same characteristics in negotiations, They label her as a bitch. I know it. I've been there. I've experienced it. It is exactly the reason why any time a male colleague is. Talking badly or disparaging a female colleague. I always ask him to check his bias. Are you saying that because it's a woman, would you say the exact same thing? If it were a man. And. If the answer is no. Then we have to start thinking about the bias, right? Would you call that guy a. Bitch or a bastard. No. If you wouldn't. Then we can't call the women that. If it's a bulldog attorney, it needs to be a bulldog attorney, whether it's a man or a woman, just like I was thinking. So I wrote a couple of things down. Competitive. A lot of times we talk about. Men being competitive. We talk about women exhibiting the exact same characteristics as unhinged. How often have you, have you experienced that? Of course you've been in. Meeting situations, high power, high energy. Hi stress. And the man who is pushing forward. Bull doc competitive. The women doing the exact same thing. She's an unhinged bitch. I have seen it. More times than I can count on one hand. What about a zealous advocate? A man is zealously advocating for his client. He is zealously negotiating. He's zealously representing his client. The woman who is doing the exact same thing, she's too much. She's too loud. She's too much. Same thing with being forceful in the workplace. That is a characteristic that is applauded for men. When a woman acts that way. She's again, too much. She's too masculine. I don't like her. She's a bitch. Aye. How often. Do we keep saying that women. There's something wrong with them, even though we expect them to act that way, like we expect them to, in order to compete in this male dominated world. We expect them to behave as men. And then we treat them poorly because they do that. What about the whole idea of independent? Well independent. If it's an independent man. Is a crazy woman. Or a self-righteous one. I mean, I remember at one point I was. Asked to join. A. Board of directors. For an organization that promoted. Health and wellness of young girls. And they asked the one woman who knew me. Who was already on the board. They ask her about me. And she said, I think she'd be great. She is. Very independent. She's hard working. She's very successful. She would be great with the young girls. She's, she'd be a great example. She is a little self-righteous. What the fuck is that? What do you mean? Why, why. Why. Should I be labeled self-righteous when you've just said that I'm independent and successful, I'd be a great example, but maybe I speak my mind a little too much. Maybe I don't buffer my answers as much as I should. So now I'm self-righteous and that is, believe me, she did not mean it as a compliment. The last one that I came up with was we talk about men being bold. We talk about them being assertive. And when women show up as bold and assertive than they are, uh, almost a hundred percent labeled. They're a bitch. I don't want to work with her. She's a bitch. So when somebody asks me, why is it that I only work with women? It's because the world is made up for men. It's set up for men to be successful to achieve things and women. Need some help. The School of Midlife was developed because it's a place for women to talk about what's on their mind, what's going on in their life? How are they feeling? Because there is universal experiences that we are having across the board. Our kids are leaving the house. Our parents are aging. We're reaching the top of our careers. A lot of us are asking what is next for me? But up until now, there has not been any place, any community, any support system, any safe place for women to talk about what's on their minds. Instead, we have been. Siloed. We stay home. We put our heads down. We think I'm the only one who was going through this. We think I am a hard worker. I'm so successful. Why can't I just figure this out. I mean, all I have to do is devote some more time and energy to this. I may smart woman. I run companies. Why can't I figure this out? And because up until now, there has been nowhere for us to actually have these conversations. We think we're the only ones. So there's a little bit of shame involved because we should be able to figure this out. I mean, we look around at everyone else's lives. We compare ourselves to what they're going through. We think everyone else has their shit together. Why can't I figure this out for myself? So there's some shame involved in that. And. Coupled with that. There's a lot of guilt as well. Because most of us. We have pretty good lives, right? We're not worrying about where the next meal is coming from. We're not worrying about how we're going to pay rent or the mortgage next month. We are at a position in our lives where. Life is pretty good for all of us. That doesn't mean. That we should. Just simply be happy with what we have please. I mean, gratitude. Super important. But just because you want for something more, just because you think that there is something else. Available for you out there that doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you greedy. It's not something you should feel guilty about. So much of that is rooted in the idea that from a very young age, we just started doing what we thought was expected of us. And you've heard me talk about this before. So much on the podcast, but, you know, We went to school because our parents wanted us to go to school. They wanted us to get a degree. They wanted us to get a good job. We did those things. They wanted us to get married. And raise a family. We have done those things. And now we get to midlife. And again, it's not that we don't have a great life. We, we, we do. Our lives are a really good. But it's okay. That it still feels like something's missing because that success playbook that we follow that adulting playbook, that how to be a successful adult that we were given. That that roadmap. That was given to us. We did not opt into that. It was just. Assumed that that is how we were going to move through life and we did it. We're very successful. We took that playbook and man, we worked the hell out of it. But here's the thing about midlife. Is now we've raised the kids. We're helping our parents they're getting older. They need help. We've reached the top of our career and we're wondering what's next for me? And because. The world is set up for men. There has been no place for women to ask themselves these questions to. Show up in a supportive community or supportive environment where we can have these discussions where we can normalize these conversations. That's why I work with women. Not because I don't like men. I I'm not a man hater. I love men. You're great. But women. Have been gaslighted pretty much our entire lives. And I don't, you know, I'm not trying to talk in generalizations here, but I mean, think about even. Going to the doctor. Just being gaslighted by our doctors with these ideas that either we're imagining our symptoms or we're being dramatic about them. That we're overly cautious or we're being overly dramatic. I remember. I, I had to have a hysterectomy real early because I had very bad endometriosis. And I remember when the first, probably three. Doctors, I went to across the board said. Oh, all women have cramps. You know, this is a normal situation. Don't you worry about it. There's nothing wrong with you. All women have cramps. Um, My cramps were so bad for the first. Three to four days. Of my menstrual cycle each month. That I couldn't keep any food in my body. So I was either throwing it up. Or terrible diarrhea out the back end. Three days so much so that I couldn't eat any food. I could barely take in water and I would sleep. In the bathtub. Why? Because I would wake up in the middle of the night, doubled over in pain and I couldn't get myself to the bathroom in time. To either throw up. Or have to go to the bathroom. I mean. That is not normal. That is not all women have cramps. That is a debilitating three days of my life each month. 10% of the month. That I was suffering with this pain. And extreme nausea and terrible cramps. But the medical providers. They just told me that. All women have cramps. I knew that was wrong. But. I'm also old enough that it wasn't like I could go and get on a chat room or go to the internet and Google some of this information because the internet was just. Just really starting out. That's not where we, where we, you know, It wasn't like you had a question and the first thing you did is go on Google and answer. But isn't it great. Now, as we are going through perimenopause and menopause, That there are places on the internet where we can go and get that information. But what's even better than that is in the School of Midlife, we're actually having conversations. And we're talking about these issues with real women who are having real experiences. And we can share information. We can talk about what we're feeling. We can talk about what we're going through and it is the most beautiful thing. It's the community. That I have always wanted and I just haven't had until now. It's, it's interesting how a lot of times you build what it is that you were looking for. And for me, It was this community of women to have safe conversations, to have honest discussion about what we're feeling, what we're going through, what life is like for us. I know that this episode has been a little bit of a rant and. I would say that wasn't my intent, but honestly I probably expected that it would be. It would kind of end up here just because I knew that I was pretty fired up about this and the whole idea that whenever we make something for women. That men are also like, Hey, but what about us? That's discriminatory. What about us? Yeah, you have to have separate. The separate, but Eagle that's bullshit. But, um, you know, it's like you can't do something just for women that the men feel like they're being left out and it's like, huh? Well, welcome to my life. Right. And again, I am. I'm I love men. I'm not trying to bash men, but it's, it's the reality that if you are a woman living in today's society, You're expected to do too many things with very little support. And I'm trying to change that at the School of Midlife. I guess I would be interested to hear from you. Uh, I'd be really interested to hear examples. Either. In your professional life or your personal life where you felt like you weren't getting the support that you wanted or needed because you were a woman. I would love to know what kind of resources that we should be providing at the School of Midlife so that you can make mid-life your best life so that you can step into a life that feels authentically you. That feels like your living your best life. Because our mission at the School of Midlife is to give you everything you need, and the support to create your best life in midlife. And when I know what it is you need from us, then we'll be sure to provide it. I'll leave you with this. Do you remember when you were little. And. Whether it was on your door. When you were having girls over. Or it was on a tree house or. A Playhouse in the backyard. But a lot of times we would take pens and in very infantile printing write out, NO BOYS ALLOWED! And we'd stick that note or that sign on the Playhouse or our bedroom door or wherever it was. That's kind of what we've got going on here at the School of Midlife. No boys allowed. This is where the women need to be able to sit and congregate and find our people and talk about whatever the hell we want to talk about without having to feel like we need to edit our thoughts or words that we need to play nice. That we need to temper down our discussion for fear of we're going to be looking like we're too much or we're unhinged or we're a bitch. That's not what we're doing here. No boys allowed. Um, again, though, I would love to hear from you. When have you. Experienced this in your own life and what has helped you step more fully in to the woman that you were always meant to be. Even if they tried to take that away from you. Tried to make you become someone who you're not. Hand you an identity and ask you to wear it. We're done with that. Women. We are done with that. No boys allowed. We are moving in the direction where we can be too much and unhinged and crazy and self-righteous. We can be as bitchy as we want, and we will be celebrated by the other women that are in the School of Midlife locking arms with us, sitting in community with us, and providing a safe space for us to be exactly who it is that we want to become. Thanks so much for being here today. I will see you next week when the School of Midlife is back in session until then take good care. Thank you so much for listening to the School of Midlife podcasts. It means so much to have you here each week. If you enjoyed this episode, could you do me the biggest favor and help us spread the word to other midlife women? There are a couple of easy ways for you to do that first. And most importantly, if you're not already following the show, would you please subscribe? That helps you because you'll never miss an episode. And it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. Second, if you'd be so kind to leave us a five-star rating, that would be absolutely incredible. And finally, I personally read each and every one of your reviews. So if you take a minute and say some nice things about the podcast, well, that's just good karma. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you right back here. Next week when the school of midlife is back in session until then take good care.