Episode 9 - Gaslighting and Ghosting, the two G's

Two more fun terms to learn as you traverse online dating

Transcript

Hey everyone, and I’m back. If you’ve heard my past podcasts, then you know I like to start off with level-setting. This is not a relationship advice podcast, this is more about humor and dating in my 40’s and things I’ve experienced. These podcasts will range from 5-10 minutes, but this may be a tad longer. 

Today we’re going to have another episode around terminology. The words we’re going to cover today are the two g’s gaslighting and ghosting, unfortunately having little to do with the g-spot. Before we get into it, I want to say having or being affected by any of these terms really sucks for the person who is experiencing them.

Gaslighting is not just for your personal life, it is also rampant in the online or just in the general dating world. Gaslighting has two distinct definitions: 

1. psychological manipulation that hinges on creating self-doubt. Usually over an extended period of time, that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator
2. the act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one's own advantage

Fun history lesson, the term is derived from a 1938 play titled Gas Light, where a male protagonist convinces his wife she’s imagining things that are actually happening—including the dimming of the house’s gas lights—with the result of making her believe she’s gone insane.

Gaslighting can be hard to identify, especially when you’re in a romantic relationship because you want to believe the person you’re with has your best interest in mind and wouldn’t try to mislead you. But acts like, telling someone they’re exaggerating or trivializing the partners emotions, “forgetting” or deniability, the annoying cycle of cold-hot behavior can lead to the victim feeling depressed, anxious, lowered self-esteem, etc. 

Some examples are commenting on the way someone is dressing, like “you’re dressing too provocatively” or “Stop flirting with all those people” even when you’re not or making up stories or saying some that you don’t remember saying and convincing you that you did. I’ll admit, when guys try this with me I end it pretty quick because I do not handle anyone speaking to me like that well.

The interesting thing is the hot-cold behavior, I think this is something we’ve all experienced and it’s awful because it makes you feel really unsure of where you stand in a relationship.

Next word, ghosting…first I’ll start off with the definition and then what I’ve found by polling others. Definition for ghosting is abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation.

I posted a little survey to a women’s group asking when they considered ghosting to be ghosting, is it after you’ve met a few times and they stop responding?

Or is it when you’re just chatting online and everything seems to be going well and they stop responding?

Another option that I didn’t add is random back and forth and they stop responding.. Random back and forth to me isn’t forming a true relationship of any kind it’s just something you do when you are bored but really have no interest. Because the individual you are chatting with isn’t very interesting to you. And I admit I have a few guys like that in my dating app queue I respond rarely because I don’t find the conversation overly engaging. That being said I did shut down one of my dating profiles because I was just getting too many swipes and it was hard to keep up.

Back to the matter at hand, many women said the second, when you’re just chatting online and everything seems to be going well and they stop responding? And I can understand this because sometimes real feelings develop if you’ve been talking to someone long enough. Some people would consider that odd because if you haven’t met them does it matter? And my answer is, of course it does. Depending on the trajectory of the conversation a real connection can be made prior to meeting them, touching them, or kissing them. It doesn’t mean when the meeting occurs in real life that the attraction will be the same because sometimes you meet someone and you aren’t physically attracted to them and that’s just reality. 

The problem with ghosting and the damage it leaves behind is related to timing. If you choose to not respond after a few messaged on the dating app, I imagine that is very little harm. If you choose to not respond after having endlessly long messages with someone and then just stop…that is harder. That person invested time into sharing themselves with you, maybe who they are, maybe they’ve shared secrets or things about themselves that they never have due to the anonymity of online dating that is painful.

The worst time to ghost is after sex. I can see this being an okay tact if you entered that sexual moment with a no string attached mindset, but not if this is someone you’ve been talking to and led to believe it would be something long term or serious. Many people, see sex as a “next phase” or step in the relationship and usually a positive one and hopefully one that leads to a more blissful state in the relationship. 

I see so many posts about this happening and it honestly makes me sick. This is the absolute worst time to ever ghost someone. It leaves that person feeling inadequate, makes them question their worth and value

So why do people do it? There’s a bunch of reasons…none of them good enough in my opinion,

1. They got what they wanted. Which is so shitty because that seems like so much effort to put into a relationship just for sex. There are many ways to have casual sex without playing with someone’s emotions, but I imagine for some that’s part of the thrill
2. They’re cheating on their partner and maybe they feel guilt
3. Maybe the sex was bad. And that’s the worst. Sometimes you have sex with someone and you’re just like…oh wow…that is not what I expected or that is now how I thought I’d feel. And that’s okay to feel that way, but ghosting someone after is not okay
4. Alternatively, maybe the sex was awesome but sometimes sex just dissipates the lustful emotions and you just don’t feel that way anymore
5. Maybe one partner got too clingy after the horizontal mambo was performed and the other doesn’t know how to deal with it

Either way, my personal opinion on that is the kinder thing is tell the person you’re no longer interested, bonus word, this is called Caspering. Letting someone know that you aren’t interested. No matter what. At least the person knows and they don’t feel in limbo and they don’t make excuses for you. That is the worst part. And we’ve all gone through this, because you are most likely not a bad person so why would something so awful and degrading happen to you? So you make excuses that maybe this person isn’t feeling well or too busy or whatever.

One of the funny things about sex from a woman’s perspective is socially, at least in the US we are told to not give it up so easily, make the man work for it, or make the man feel like he earned it etc…I’ve never been that girl. The way I see it, if a man’s ego is that fragile that they need the validity that they earned having sex with me they have problems. I don’t want to be with someone like that. He needs to be emotionally and mentally stronger to date me.

And sometimes it’s best to get sex out of the way to see if there’s physical compatibility. If a man takes that to mean I’m easy not my problem and we would not last. 

Okay, this took a turn I hadn’t planned. Let’s wrap this up.

Don’t make excuses for someone who gaslights you or ghosts you. Someone who cares about you and who truly wants a meaningful relationship does not make you feel worthless. They do not make you feel anxious or leave you wondering if you did something wrong. 

I know it’s harder said than done, I really do, but dig deep and walk away if you’re experiencing something like this. You deserve so much better than what that person is quote-unquote offering you. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel secure in the relationship you’re in. 

Alright, I’m getting off my soap box. As enlightening as doing podcasts have been to online dating because I’m really looking at what’s out there, it’s also depressing. I know some women who have done this for years, I don’t think that’ll be me. 

Take care everyone, have a wonderful week and talk to you next week.