F*ck The Box
Healing Through Vulnerability and Inner Work After Concussion 'Or Without'
Could embracing your deepest emotions unlock a new realm of self-love and healing? Join us as we welcome back Paula, an inspiring women's coach who specializes in the subconscious mind, the nervous system, and shadow work. Learn about my transformative journey through brain injury/concussion recovery, highlighting the significance of changing one's internal dialogue to heal. Together, we discuss the role of travel, stepping out of comfort zones, and the practical strategies Paula recommends for building self-esteem and confidence.
Discover the liberating practices that Paula advocates for managing overwhelming emotions. This episode takes an honest look at the importance of self-awareness and emotional expression in the healing journey. We also dive into the creation of safe spaces for vulnerability, emphasizing the power of personalized routines that cater to individual needs, reprogramming the subconscious, and fostering self-compassion.
In our conversation, Paula provides invaluable insights on setting boundaries, effective communication, and self-care—especially crucial for those navigating life after brain injuries. We explore the invisible struggles, the importance of humor in personal growth, and the transformative effects of solo travel and embracing life's imperfections. Tune in for an empowering discussion that celebrates personal achievements, offers practical tools for healing, and inspires listeners to embark on their own journeys of self-discovery and empowerment.
Connect with Paula here:
Could embracing your deepest emotions unlock a new realm of self-love and healing? Join us as we welcome back Paula, an inspiring women's coach who specializes in the subconscious mind, the nervous system, and shadow work. Learn about my transformative journey through brain injury/concussion recovery, highlighting the significance of changing one's internal dialogue to heal. Together, we discuss the role of travel, stepping out of comfort zones, and the practical strategies Paula recommends for building self-esteem and confidence.
Discover the liberating practices that Paula advocates for managing overwhelming emotions. This episode takes an honest look at the importance of self-awareness and emotional expression in the healing journey. We also dive into the creation of safe spaces for vulnerability, emphasizing the power of personalized routines that cater to individual needs, reprogramming the subconscious, and fostering self-compassion.
In our conversation, Paula provides invaluable insights on setting boundaries, effective communication, and self-care—especially crucial for those navigating life after brain injuries. We explore the invisible struggles, the importance of humor in personal growth, and the transformative effects of solo travel and embracing life's imperfections. Tune in for an empowering discussion that celebrates personal achievements, offers practical tools for healing, and inspires listeners to embark on their own journeys of self-discovery and empowerment.
Connect with Paula here:
So welcome back to the podcast, paula. I am honestly so honored to have you again on my podcast and, just so you know, our podcast is like the most viewed podcast on all of my podcasts.
Speaker 2:That's so exciting. People love us.
Speaker 1:Same.
Speaker 2:Yes, fuck, yes, I'm so happy about this. Can I swear on this podcast?
Speaker 1:Hell yeah, I say a lot of fuck bombs and everything else. Don't worry, there's no sugar coating in my book, on my podcast, nothing just keeping it real, keeping it raw, as always.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me again. I love every single time that we get together. I love your energy, I love what we co-create together, so I'm super excited it's amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm so happy to have you here, and so, for those who don't know, paula is a woman's coach and your skills are unfreaking, believable. Like I really look up to you in a lot of different ways because your awareness of self-love and healing is incredible, so I'd love for you to explain kind of like a little bit more about what you do and how you work with your clients.
Speaker 2:Perfect. Well, thank you so much for that, though. Anyways, thank you, yeah. So for those who don't know me, hi, my name is Paula. I am from Spain, I'm 24 years old. Aubrey and I we met a few years ago in ibiza yes, um, but I live in australia at the moment and I am a woman's coach.
Speaker 2:I used to say that I'm a woman's embodiment coach, but truly I'm just a woman's coach, and my passion why I do what I do is because I love the subconscious mind. I love how the nervous system, the subconscious mind and shadow work have a huge impact on the relationship that we have with ourselves, and that we have with ourselves literally is the filter through which we choose our partners, our relationships, our external reality. So for me, that's the main focus. If you want to change your external life, you need to look into your relationship with yourself, and you cannot make a change, a big change, a long-term change in your life if you and with yourself, if you do not look into your subconscious mind, if you do not reprogram your subconscious mind and your nervous system and the limiting beliefs that you have about yourself and all these things which are amazing.
Speaker 1:So that's what I do that is amazing and, you know, honestly, like for this podcast, we're kind of touching base on brain injury, but I think this is a good reminder for anyone who is wanting to do more self-love, because a lot of us, you know, have this negative talk about ourselves and so after brain injury and concussion, you know, your whole life completely changes and basically your whole personality can change and your likes can change and you're faced with a lot of different challenges and so it can be really hard to actually love yourself and get through that because you feel like you're challenges and so it can be really hard to actually love yourself and get through that because you feel like you're different.
Speaker 1:And that was like the hardest thing for me to get through was my self-love and it took me years actually and you know it took me until I basically left the country and traveled for three months and I basically just dated myself. I took myself to seven different countries, I met you, we went on visa and like I just really spent a lot of time with myself and that's how I slowly started becoming aware of everything that was happening to me and I'm forever grateful for everyone that I have met, because it's transformed my life to step outside my comfort zone and that I have met because it's transformed my life to step outside my comfort zone and you know start traveling.
Speaker 1:Yeah, getting out of my hometown, you know, I even was called a fraud and we've talked about this before. But, like my ex-partner, you know he said I was a fraud because he never believed that I actually had a disability, because I looked the same right, right, whoa. Yeah, it was really difficult. I would really love to drop some really vulnerable things that have happened and I think let's jump into the questions and then, yeah, we're going to drop some really vulnerable stuff that you guys probably won't believe that happened to me, but I feel like, with our stories being vulnerable, that's when we can connect with other people and realize that, okay, we're all going through this, we're not all fucking perfect yeah, literally, no one is perfect.
Speaker 1:Trying to be perfect literally creates disease, creates frustration, creates really negative emotions towards yourself that feed the already negative narratives that are in your brain and and we live in a world where you know, you, just, you see the, the pictures and the, the perfect everything, and I really value people that own their weirdness, they own who they are and they like own their vulnerabilities. You know like we all need that literally. So what strategies do you recommend for rebuilding self-esteem and self-confidence after a serious injury such as brain injury?
Speaker 2:all right. Well, the first thing that I do want to say and I want to make it very clear I have not gone through a brain injury. I've not gone through an accident of that level of intensity, of that level of trauma. However, I can relate to a certain degree to all these people that have to you and to the healing process that it takes to move through that event in a successful way, in a way that's conscious and healthy, because pain is pain. Right, we all go through pain, we all go through difficult times. That's something that's out of our control. But what we can control is how we respond to these situations, how we respond to these emotions that start coming up through very intense situations.
Speaker 2:Right, and something that I do want to share is a phrase that a good friend of mine told me yesterday, literally, and she told me that when we share our stories, our vulnerable moments, in safe spaces, healing happens. But when we share our vulnerability and our most difficult moments and parts about ourselves in a space that doesn't feel safe, trauma happens. So that's the most important thing about us. That's the most important thing about us. That's the most important thing about healing. It's not so much what you've gone through. It's about creating a safe space for yourself, creating a safe space for the process that you're going through emotionally and having the right people around you. Obviously that's a huge part, so I just want to bring that first things first, want to make that clear. And coming back to your question uh sorry, can you repeat it?
Speaker 1:so just before we go on, I I felt that to my soul. You just saying that and that is so fucking true and wow, like I, you know we grow up in, you know households that we really we don't realize. Maybe that we're being told that you know we grow up in, you know households that we don't realize. Maybe that we're being told that you know our basically feelings and vulnerability is wrong or not real.
Speaker 2:Exactly Having the right external space, I think, is one of the most important aspects about healing. You can do healing on your own, but to a certain degree, because we're beings that are here to connect. We thrive on connections, on the right connections. So being conscious of the impact that your environment has on your healing journey is one of the most important things.
Speaker 1:You're not always going to have the choice to really be very intentional of who you're around, but you can always still look after yourself and prioritize your well-being work with me and work with each other to really understand that there is people out there that will support them, and to talk about the stories because, like when I first had my concussion, I was, I felt really lost and I didn't feel like people understood. What I was going back to was what strategies do you recommend for rebuilding self-esteem and self-confidence?
Speaker 2:yeah, all right. Well, the first step, I would say patience is gonna be key on this process. Do not compare your journey to the same journey of someone who has not gone through what you've gone through. It's just not fair to yourself. So be very patient, allow your own rhythms to happen and allow the emotional process to happen.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of the times, we make it really hard on ourselves because we're just simply resisting the process. We're resisting emotions to be felt. So that would be my first step Be patient with yourself. Take this journey as your own, not like anybody else outside of yourself is doing it. Stop comparing yourself. Outside of yourself is doing it. Stop comparing yourself. Just focus on yourself. Focus on your journey and how you need to be loved right now, how you need to be taken care of right now, and it could be in the most simple ways, and it could also be in ways that used to be very easy for you, like running a bath for yourself or going out for a run, or going out and having a lunch just by yourself. Maybe those things were easier before and now maybe they're harder, for whatever reason. So be very patient with yourself and allow the emotional process to happen. I think that's the first step for sure I just want to add to that too.
Speaker 1:Like I'm seven years into my accident and it took me years to get through this. Like, whatever chapter you're walking into with my life, it wasn't always like this. Like I was a wreck at the beginning, right, and it's like this roller coaster of like patience and then like anger and frustration, and then patience, but you know, it becomes like a muscle. I think so the more you, you practice it. And then, when you actually think about it from this perspective, on how you're explaining it, it's like this aha moment goes off and then you're able to change your patterns, right?
Speaker 1:yeah, for sure so I'm also wondering, like how can I cope with my feelings of frustration, anger, sadness? Like how can I cope with my feelings of frustration, anger, sadness? You know, there's so many different things that arise and challenges in our lives post-injury and I'm just wondering, like how can we work through that?
Speaker 2:Okay, this is a very personalized experience and it's going to have a very personalized answer. Obviously, I'm just going to give a very general approach to this question, and from my own perspective as well. But I think our focus, whenever you're feeling any type of intense emotion, should be creating a safe space for yourself, and this can look in many different ways. For me personally, how this feels like is making sure every day, especially in the mornings, I set aside some time for you, for me, to just be with my emotions. So allow the emotions to be felt.
Speaker 2:You cannot process anger, you cannot process sadness, you cannot process confusion, you cannot process and transmute any emotion if you don't feel, if you don't first feel them. So I would say make sure you consciously choose to feel these emotions at least, let's say, 10 minutes a day. That takes nothing. And then, second, I would say, find a practice that works for you, for me personally, with anger, I really like screaming into a pillow and just like punching the pillow with sadness. Honestly, I love going into the car, play really loud music and sing my heart out and start screaming and start crying. Obviously, this you have to do it safely, but my advice would be this create a safe space for you to feel everything that you have to feel and then get out of that emotion. Consciously, you have to choose to not get stuck in the emotions, because that's when they consume you and they don't have to. Your emotions are not here to consume you or to punish you. They're here for a message, for you to step into a different reality I love that.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna share what I do to process my emotions. That's okay. So I love to get naked and run into the ocean and dive in, go right under. A lot of the times we'll get together and we'll howl and we will just like move the emotions and the energy through our body and, honestly, it's so fucking liberating like I started a couple years ago and we had like 40 women on the beach at one point, all naked, just like howling. It was covid, you know you're not supposed to get together, but we're like fuck this shit.
Speaker 1:We are like living our life yeah, but you know, water has actually shown to move emotions through our body as well wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a very cleansing element as well, yeah, and something that was coming up now that you were sharing that and I really want to express it. That's why I'm talking about it. I think, a lot of the times when we are especially if we are into self-growth and self-consciousness and self-awareness and spirituality and all these things, I think a lot of the times we feel shame about feeling anger and feeling frustrated and just being like oh, I hate this, I hate my life, I hate this and that and that. So honestly, fuck that. Allow yourself to be annoyed. Allow yourself to be angry at the world, angry at yourself, angry at this and that and that. Put a name to it. Allow it to come out of your mouth in clear words. You deserve to have that space for yourself and your emotions are so valid. But again, don't get stuck in there. Don't identify yourself to those emotions. There's more to the story.
Speaker 1:Those are just momentarily, but allow that space to also happen I really agree with that and also like I find that if you say my anger, don't don't own it. It is a feeling and it is. You know you can call it jim, for you know you can call it sally, but do not say my, do not own it. This is just a feeling and just observe it, right, would? Would you agree with me? Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2:I agree Right.
Speaker 1:I'll call it Jim or Sally from now on, and then you're going to laugh.
Speaker 2:I also agree If you want to like. I think there is a point when you've gone through such an intense event, there's a point when you really do feel all these like really dark emotions and you truly hate everything. And I say allow that to also happen, allow yourself to be in this dark, angry emotions, but be very careful and be very conscious of what you're doing and what you're telling yourself, because that's going to have an impact for sure yeah, anger is really common in the beginning of concussion, because you are overstimulated and you don't really like some people are so confused you don't know what's going on, but literally everything fucking annoys you and it is hard.
Speaker 1:Like it is hard balance, I'm telling you like it is, it's overwhelming, um, but again, like we said, the the safe space you know and having friends that understand or like reaching out to community, like you know, like you or myself is really important.
Speaker 2:Yep literally.
Speaker 1:What are some techniques or exercises I could practice to improve my self-awareness and acceptance? Of current abilities and limitations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that question. So honestly, I'd say meditation and you can be into spirituality or not. This is nothing to do with spirituality and this has everything to do with literally building self-awareness. How can you know the narratives in your head and the beliefs that you have about yourself? How can you know what your conditioning is to pain and your most immediate responses to pain if you can't even look at them from a outsider's perspective? You know, how can you change something that you're not even aware of you're doing? So meditation, for me, is number one. There's so many different meditations, but start at your own level, start at your own pace and for me I'd say meditation. Meditation has been my number one tool to bring to build self-awareness for sure I love that.
Speaker 1:I used to meditate for six hours a day, maybe even more. I became a meditation master because I lost my vision and I was an angry, irritable bitch and I'm going to own it. Yeah, I was just. It was terrible Like I was angry, you know, like I just gone through a separation too, so there was just like a lot of layers that was happening in my life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so meditation number number one, for sure, yeah and if you want to go step farther, I would say try doing breath work, but do get informed on it, because if you I feel like meditation, you, you can be guided on youtube or different apps. Um, but with breath work, it's really important that you're doing it from a conscious place.
Speaker 1:So do some research before I would say definitely, and I'm actually a breathwork facilitator as well, so I do that online with you know, one-on-one with clients as well, so if you're interested in that, you can reach out. Um, but it can be really powerful. It's very, very powerful to release emotions and get into your body. Another thing I want to mention too, like with concussion, and if you are, you know, wanting to become aware of what's happening and where you know you're getting triggered, I highly recommend writing it in a journal and then revisiting it, maybe once a week, once a month, but writing it down and just writing your feelings down, because, like you know, I couldn't even remember my kids birthdays in the beginning, so I was out to lunch and my memory was just terrible. So, you know, trying to process my emotions too, that would that probably would be really difficult right in the beginning.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. Yeah, journaling is so good for everyone, but yeah, definitely, I so agree on that. And especially if you want to build more self-awareness with yourself, learning to have a communication with your emotions from a conscious place. Journaling is so good for that. So good, honestly, and for connecting with your own internal guidance, which, a lot of the times, we seek from others. We seek from others to tell us what to do, to tell us what we need to hear. Well, start reaching out for yourself. You also. You can give that to yourself.
Speaker 1:Exactly how can I cultivate a positive mindset and practice self-compassion during my recovery?
Speaker 2:Okay. I think this is one of the most important aspects of healing from a traumatic event of any kind. I would say we've already talked about practicing self-awareness, we've already talked about the importance of the community and the importance of the environment we're around, and we've already talked about patience. So, with all of that said and all of that already in mind, I would say write down a list of the things that make you feel alive, write down a list of the things that make you feel joy, that make you feel happy, and start doing them for yourself. As you said, you started dating yourself and I think that's such a huge step in trying all of this type of healing that you went through.
Speaker 1:So I would say that's the first step, for sure and I, you know one thing with concussion too is like your. Well, the things that you like changes. The things that you can do changes. People would would tell me to relax, watch a movie, read a book. I couldn't do those things because I lost my vision and it would make me go into, like all these symptoms and it was terrible. You know, I couldn't even drive for a while. So I think, like revisiting in a quiet space what things you actually enjoy.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And really celebrating yourself that, like you know you gotta you just get this new chapter and you're gonna be this person and like own that right yeah, I love that at first it was terrifying. I was like, oh my god, like I don't even like coffee anymore, you know, like the smell of it makes me want to vomit, and just like it was just like little things like that. And then I used to jog and then I couldn't jog because I would trip over my feet.
Speaker 2:Well, that process that you guys go through it's like a rebirth. It really does feel that way, and I feel like the way that you look after yourself in that transition moment is going to determine the life that you feel that you have afterwards and the life that you allow yourself to experience, and that depends on self-care, I think for sure in that moment what about?
Speaker 1:is there any specific mindfulness and relaxation techniques that can help manage stress and anxiety related to brain injury? You're feeling like overwhelmed, let's say like. I know you mentioned the meditation, but is there anything else that you can give us for techniques?
Speaker 2:honestly, when you, whenever we're feeling stressed, we have to look at our nervous system, because our nervous system is what tells our brain if we are in a state of safety or in a state of danger. And so if our brain thinks we are in a state of danger, obviously we're not going to feel relaxed. We're gonna have activated the sympathetic nervous system. So, in order to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, we the first and most important and the fastest way to achieve that is through breath. I may be repeating myself, but this is the best way and you know it is.
Speaker 2:So, if you want a fast, quick way to help yourself through overwhelming situations, I would suggest any sort of breathing technique that makes the exhale longer than the inhale. And I, because you've sold, you've told me that sometimes it would be very hard to retain information when you're healing. I think if you either get someone to guide you on your phone wherever you are, or you can remember 555. So, literally doing box breathing wherever you are, you can excuse yourself for a moment, go to the bathroom, go to wherever and just do like 10 rows of 5555, box breathing breathing, it is called, or triangle breathing. I think that doesn't matter where you're at. It's gonna be the highest support because it's gonna regulate your, your nervous system, into a state of safety. You're breathing in for five.
Speaker 2:You hold for five, okay you breathe out for five and you pause for five and you keep doing that for around 10 times, or as many times as you want.
Speaker 1:I always recommend do more times than you think you need yeah, and I feel like it gives you a lot of energy too, especially in the morning when you're actually breathing, because sometimes we're stressed, we stop breathing, right, you're not breathing properly, and our body's like come on, what are you doing? Wake up. Yeah, and it's actually hard to wake up in the morning. After brain injury, I slept and slept, and slept and then it would be like four hours just to make me feel like I was awake. After I woke up, that was the craziest thing. I'm like oh my God, it's three o'clock and I'm finally feeling like I'm awake and alive, like, yeah, awake and alive. So I actually talked about this in a previous podcast about sleep, like how important a sleep routine is because it'll allow us to get into that routine of self care as well. What role does self care play in rebuilding self love after brain injury and how can I develop a personalized self care routine? Routine?
Speaker 2:for me, self-care is the base of self-love, because self-care is everything it's. It's even if you don't intend it to be self-care, it's literally just how you treat yourself, basically. So if you're constantly telling yourself all these nasty things on the daily, that's going to be the base of your self-love. Let's say it like that, meaning there's going to be really really little room for actual self-love. It's going to be self-hate, basically. So the way we treat ourselves is the base of self-love, and the base of self-love is literally what we're going to end up being attracted to externally from other people. So if you start bringing more awareness into how you talk to yourself, into how you treat yourself in the mornings, that's gonna make such a huge difference. And especially how you treat yourself when you don't feel lovable, when you don don't feel like you belong anywhere, when you feel lost, when you feel in these moments of despair. That's going to be the biggest way to show yourself that you matter, to show yourself that you care, to show yourself that you've got you and you deserve love in this moment. So I would say that's the relationship and that's how much they impact each other.
Speaker 2:And what was the other question? Sorry?
Speaker 1:um how can I develop personalized self-care routine?
Speaker 2:I love that question because that's literally one of my main tools when I work with clients. With one, with my one-on-one clients, one of the biggest focus is building a morning and a night time routine. Why? Because it is in this times of the day that our subconscious mind is most available to us for us to reprogram, for us to tap into. So some of the steps they're always personalized and I do invite you to make it your own. Prioritize whatever you need to prioritize in each moment, honor your process, honor your timings, but the few steps that are common with every single client that I have are subconscious reprogramming, and I always do this through very different ways, but the main one is through a personalized voice message that I send them.
Speaker 2:So you can do this. You can do this with someone, you can do this on yourself. There's so many ways. Don't feel like you need a coach to have a good morning routine. I'm just telling you what works for me and what has worked for everyone that I work with. And then also a practice to connect with myself emotionally. As I said earlier just 10 minutes in silence, in presence with yourself, allowing your heart to be felt, allowing every emotion to exist that creates such a big impact. And then always have a practice of self-expression, and this can be through singing, this can be through dancing, this can be through recording yourself talking, this can be through journaling. But self-expression, oh my god, it's so, so key. So I would say these three, four things in everyone's morning routines should be a must, for sure, and then you personalize it however you want in each moment.
Speaker 1:I love that. So I actually want to share something with you because it's extremely vulnerable, and I talked about this in the beginning of the podcast. You know, I had such a negative self-talk for a while and I ended up going on antidepressants and it was terrible because, like my old self was always super happy and optimistic and you know, like I had. You know, I just had the white picket fence and everything was going good for me and then, all of a sudden, fucking bam, my life is completely flipped on its face. I didn't know how to approach it and I would continue to just basically think of all the things that were happening that were wrong, and so I realized that I started to get into this thought pattern of like, okay, this is wrong, you know who's gonna love me. I want to start dating and it was really difficult because, like you know, obviously dating somebody that's been through a traumatic concussion, it comes with these challenges when you're early in the phases of healing, and so I took myself on a date and, oh my god. So the guy that I went out with he was a fucking concussion doctor and I was like, are you kidding me? So I was trying to be cool about it and but, honestly, he knew exactly what I was going through. You know what I mean. So I couldn't sugarcoat it.
Speaker 1:And I remember ordering a martini and I could barely drink out of the martini glass because my I lost my depth perception, so I couldn't figure out what the martini glass was to go to my lips and so I was almost like spilling it and shaking and I I ended up asking them to put it in another glass because I couldn't freaking hold the martini glass. And he was so kind, he literally just like looked at me. He's like I know exactly what you're going through, you don't have to hide it. And I'm like, oh my God, thank you. And we just started having this deep conversation about it.
Speaker 1:And it actually made me realize in that moment that I need to own what is happening to me. It's okay to be in this spot, and how I show up for myself is super important, for myself is super important, right. And it was just like an aha moment when that happened, because, like I just kept telling myself, oh my god, like I'm not capable of doing this, and I just I decided that moment no, I'm, I'm gonna keep working towards healing my vision and moving forward and I'm not gonna tell myself this fucking shit anymore yeah, yeah, fuck yes.
Speaker 1:So what happened after was we said goodbye and he went on his own way or whatever, and I was in the street, walking downtown and I literally peed my pants in the middle of the street and yeah, well, I've never showed this or shared this online ever, but it was really freaking, humbling and I can't even tell you like I freaking, bawled my eyes out after I.
Speaker 1:I literally peed myself and I'm walking home and it was crazy like I just cried the whole way and I was like what the hell just happened. So I had a spinal cord injury and basically I lost control of my bladder a lot in the early phases and this is actually really common after brain injury and spinal injury and I realized that I was getting angry at myself constantly for having to go through this and having to feel like I had to be normal. I wasn't really honestly owning what was happening to myself and I just kept dismissing everything and I wanted everything to be perfect but it wasn't and I was navigating a whole new world and symptoms and everything that was going on. But that was actually the biggest aha moment is when I walked home in my maid pants.
Speaker 1:I'm fucking 30 and I only had like not even a whole drink and I just was like I can't keep doing this. I can't keep self-sabotaging and telling myself this, you know, and then realizing too that actually there is people out there that know about this and how it happens. So him, you know, confirming that, was just like a big wake up call for me and sometimes we have to have those moments, Right, but that was mine and I just want to be really vulnerable about it because, like you know, people would not know just talking to me now. You know, like I I've done a lot of things now and, you know, got my life together and everything else, but yeah, it's kind of crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, got my life together and everything else, but yeah, it's kind of crazy. Yeah, I think. I think that's what we're what we were talking about earlier about self-care. How you approach yourself has such an impact on the life that comes after such a traumatic event, and how you treat yourself through the transition really does have a big impact on your relationship with so how can I set realistic goals for myself and celebrate my progress, no matter how small?
Speaker 1:because with depression you go two steps forward and four steps back, and then it's like a repeat, it's like the cha-cha dance. I feel like constantly with symptoms and everything yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:Well, what I'm thinking about is you have to be very compassionate towards yourself and allow yourself to celebrate even the smallest of things, even of even things that you were able to do before this thing happened you know, so, if it is getting out of bed, um, being more self-aware, meditating for a little bit longer.
Speaker 2:So I would say it would be very helpful, in my opinion, to have two different ways of setting goals one that is more related and connected to your emotions and your inner work, and the other one that's more related to more 3d, tangible things. All right, and with the emotional one I'm referring to, for example, let's say you pee yourself on the pants on the street or something very like vulnerable happens to you and you, your most immediate response is to hate yourself, to hate the moment, to shame yourself. If you manage to, in that moment, at least be aware that that's what you're telling yourself to be aware of. Hey, wow, oh, my god, I'm hating so much on myself. That awareness is already a goal that you have accomplished. So if you can set yourself some emotional goals and some more tangible 3d, as I call them, more human goals that you can see, I think you're good to go I love that.
Speaker 1:You know, I actually joke about this in my book. I wrote a list honestly, because I like humor, okay, like I like to laugh. I wrote a list on all the ways how I was up my life and it becomes this like different perspective you know when you write it like that because you start to laugh and you're like okay, I'm doing this, like I need to get my act together right, like so I created this funny list and it actually really helped.
Speaker 2:I love that. Do you think that it is helpful for people to feel like they have a bigger purpose? Because I feel like you've always wanted to write this book, right, and you were going through all of these things and you were like, but I'm going to write a book, this book, right, and you were going through all of these things and you were like, but I'm gonna write a book, like it's gonna be for a bigger purpose. Do you feel like that helps you?
Speaker 1:definitely, and so in the beginning it was.
Speaker 1:You know, I was always like kind of wanting to speak on women's empowerment and I was actually writing a book about women's empowerment, separation in the beginning, um, but then it became about ego and I was pissed off because I had a really abusive ex-partner and he called me a fraud and he literally made my life fucking hell.
Speaker 1:And so it became ego, where I was like, oh, I'm going to show you, you know what I mean, I'm going to show you all these things I'm going to do, and I got kind of sassy about it. But what I realized going through this self-love journey and, you know, traveling for three months by myself too was that it was never about anybody, you know, it was actually about myself and the journey I needed to go through and I needed to realize that and that was a huge wake-up. Call me. So now you know I'm actually working on rebranding myself and basically not being searchable and there's certain boundaries that I'm setting up for myself and so for me to like drop the ego and stuff like that, I had to really go back into why I was doing that, and then I had to set boundaries and write down what my boundaries were for these people that were trying to destroy me.
Speaker 2:Fuck, yes, yes.
Speaker 1:It took a lot of, you know, ups and downs and, honestly, like so I really wanted attention too, because I wasn't loving myself. I wanted attention from men and I wanted to have people love me because, like, I was going through chaos in my life and so I started dating all these people that were, you know, fun and, let's say, good in bed or famous. You know, like I definitely was seeking attention. I definitely was seeking attention. And sitting in silence for you know, three months, and traveling too, that really made me realize like this is not serving me, it's not actually making me feel happy and actually the I want to share this.
Speaker 1:The one biggest insight that I have had through my entire journey is that I was always searching for something outside myself to make me happy, whether it was attention, love, comfort. I would jump on a plane and, like you know me, I'm super random I would just go somewhere and like I was constantly running away and searching for the next thing and what I realized was that, like home, was in me self-love was in me and I am the home it's not it's not a country, it's not a place, it's not people, it's me.
Speaker 2:And that was, yeah, that was a huge awakening, awakening for me yeah, and I also feel like I, girl, I've been through that same thing. I feel like every person who's a nomad goes a little bit through that process if they want to evolve and work on themselves. And it's so hard to admit that to yourself, because then you can't keep on blaming people, you can't keep on blaming external things. You're like no, I am my home, I get to be my home. How do I want to be that for myself? And you actually have to start taking a line action and that's scary. Yeah, you gotta own your shit, you gotta own your, you gotta own your girl. You gotta stand out for yourself and you gotta change the way you're treating yourself, because no one's gonna love you for you yeah, exactly right, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was intense, intense learning. And you know, I actually got a lot of people that, after I had this awakening, people were intimidated by me because, one, I knew what I wanted confidence. Fuck, now, like, I do have confidence, like and I, you know, I didn't always have that and people always think that I just was born like this and I wasn't at all. I used to be terrified to speak and now I'm like you can't shut me up. I evolved into her, I built her, I learned to love her, so I didn't just show up this way. And I want you to know too that if you're listening to this, like, the shift in changing your life is completely possible, but you need to be willing to own your shit and step into it right, yes, real talk real talk now.
Speaker 1:This is. This was a huge problem for me, um, because my family kept showing up and like responding to me in my old self, so they expected me to be able to drive when I couldn't drive and I couldn't see straight. So they would give me shame and guilt for not being able to drive and like almost thought that like okay, is this really happening to her? Like what the hell? Because I used to drive for like hours and be fine. But I'm wondering, like how can I communicate effectively with friends, family and healthcare providers about my needs and challenges related to self-love and self-care?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love this question. I love this aspect about healing because, as we were talking just now, you get to be your own home, and how do you need to? How can you show up for yourself when no one knows how to show up for you? You tell them All right. A lot of times.
Speaker 2:We expect for people to know how to show up for you. You tell them all right a lot of times. We expect for people to know how to love us properly, to know how to bring us pleasure, to know how to take care of ourselves, and this is the thing. Communication is so, so important, and if you want to start learning how to communicate in an intentional, healthy way with your loved ones, with people around you, with friends that are not really sure on how to, you know, approach you right now in the best way possible, I'd say you have to be very aware of what communication is, and I would say you have to be very aware that communication, your only role, your only role in communicating effectively, is expressing your truths, expressing how you feel, expressing what you need and you want and how you need to be heard and be held right now, in a clear way, in a way that is healthy and in a way that is not coming from a place of anger, and when you have this already like on your mind.
Speaker 1:that's why sorry when you have a dildo in your hand oh, by the way, it looks like a dildo. Oh my god, she's got a dog toy in her hand.
Speaker 2:It looks okay, I have the funniest story. She broke the. Sorry, can I just say it really fast? Yeah, go ahead. In my previous house I was living with two other girls and she's. She went into the bedroom of one of the girls and she came into my room with a dildo and she stole it from one of my housemates and completely broke it. I was like what? That is so funny, oh my god I was like she's like, she's like her mom, she likes sex, you know. Oh, there's something wrong with that?
Speaker 1:you know that's a form of self-care too, like owning your sexuality right, like I actually started dating women after my concussion fair enough and it was great like it was a whole new experience, you know I've been in I've had another new thing to the to the plate, right.
Speaker 1:I actually told my mom I'm like mom, I'm gonna date women, I'm gay, and she's like you're so funny, I don't like legit, this is happening. She didn't believe me for like years and I think now she like actually like knows that I've, you know, experienced and stuff like that. But, like you know, one thing with talking about communicating effectively is what I ended up doing was I wrote a letter and I gave it to my friends and family, or I just wrote down certain things that were difficult for me that I needed help with, because, like I found that, for some reason, if I wrote it out for them, they would just understand it better. Yeah, I definitely told people to fuck off in the early stages. Like I was just like just fuck off, like I don't have time for this, I'm feeling like shit, like don't you understand, but then they would come back with like anger, right, and then they wouldn't understand.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's actually what I wanted to talk about. Like there's one side of communication which is how you convey the message that you want to bring. So I always say it has to be clear, it has to be direct, but it has to be from a place of I am feeling this way, I am needing this, not from a place of you are this and you make me feel this and you blah, blah, blah, own it own how you need to be cared for right now. And the second part is accepting that the response of the other people are their own process and it doesn't define you and it doesn't have anything to do with you. So do not take it personal and do not take it as your own truth. It's them and that's it. You did your part.
Speaker 1:If they didn't take it, well, that's on them, end of story exactly and also like, um, people respond to what's going on for them and the story like they feel fine, they feel normal. You look normal after concussion, usually depending on what happened, but like it's really hard for someone to wake up one morning and realize that you know the person that you loved or your best friend is completely different. Yeah, these people that are going through concussion aren't faking it. You know like it's. It's so hard to explain, like how you just step into this new person overnight. And actually concussion symptoms are a lot similar the same as stroke as well. I went through the brain injury program at the hospital and there was stroke patients in there as well and I was just shocked that oh my God, I'm sitting here with stroke patients and we're going through the same symptoms.
Speaker 2:Wow, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so like with my mom too, like I had to set some big boundaries with my mom because I love her to death, but like sometimes she would judge me a lot and she would always be like why are you traveling or why are you doing this? And I actually said to her one day I was like I'm not actually asking for your opinion. She, she, like, she like stopped and looked at me and was like what? And I was like no, I'm not asking for your opinion.
Speaker 2:like this is what I'm doing. Yeah, I love that fuck.
Speaker 1:Yes and it was kind of like oh, I feel like a wake-up call for her and then like how I'd approach it from there on is I would say, like, my needs right now are this and I really need you to respect them, because when my needs aren't respected or I'm not able to, you know, sleep that extra hour right, that's just for an example. Or if I'm driving too much, then this is what happens. So if you come from a place of like giving them examples, people really respond well with examples. And another thing that happened too is that it took my mom a long time to understand like I couldn't drive. So she actually wanted to take me out for my birthday and I didn't have anything to drink, I just had pasta, and it was a swanky restaurant and it was a lot of stimulation.
Speaker 1:And I got in the car and I was actually wearing fur that day. I looked hella bougie, but I felt like shit inside, and so I was driving home and all of a sudden I opened the door and I just started barfing my guts out down the main street where I lived. So if I was, you know, if there was cops there, they would have pulled me over for sure, but it was just I barfed because of the overstimulation. So I think that that was a wake up call, because people usually tend to respond by actually seeing what's happening. With brain injury, you can't see it it, you're only hearing somebody complain about it.
Speaker 2:So I would say, like, don't come from a place of complaining, come from a place of giving an example of what's happening yeah, something that I want to add to that is I feel like we are so judgmental beings, like if someone you love is telling you that they're suffering, that they need to be taken care of in this ways, if they're asking you to please do not judgment, to not judge them, if they do not understand the situation, and you still do it I'm just asking you why, like I'm not even gonna, I don't even want to judge you, I don't even want to judge people who do this, because, to a certain degree, I'm so sure I've been doing I've done that at some point for sure but there's so much power in just stopping yourself before judging someone and before projecting your own story about them onto them and being like where is this coming from?
Speaker 2:And I feel like you trigger people a lot in a really cool way, because I feel like it's a huge thing to not validate our own pains, to not validate our own traumas, to not validate what we're going through because, well, this person has it worse or this person does this and blah, blah, blah, but showing them like, no, actually this is a really important matter, and just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not real, and you're showing them that their pain is valid too, even if they don't want to see it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and people, everyone just wants to feel heard and seen and, honestly, it's so fucking simple If you think about it, like if you're fighting with your spouse or like your kids or whatever, like you just have to come back to like, are they feeling seen and heard? Like it's simple, very simple things. You know one thing that I'm working through too right now, which is a trauma response that I know I'm going through and I'm working through it, but I became super hyper independent after my concussion because, for one, I had a nanny, I had a cleaner, I had an occupational therapist, I needed help with literally everything, and so for me it was like, okay, I need to prove that I can do everything again and I can be independent. And you know it's also sorry. It was also a way for me not to get hurt in dating and it was a way for me to guard my feelings, you know, and I didn't always choose the best people to date during my healing.
Speaker 1:I mean maybe yes, because it was just like, okay, I couldn't handle a relationship and I just wanted, like, awesome sex, but I was with, like you know, rappers and shit, and like just like fuck boys, like I was addicted to the fuck boy and it was bad and I I've given up on that, but now it's like okay, allowing people to actually love me, yeah, who I am, and like really become aware of that hyper independence is. It's been a challenge, you know, because because of everything that I put guards up for right, for judgment even, and hurting, getting my feelings hurt, yeah you know, do you feel like?
Speaker 2:do you feel like you were attracted to fuck boys as a way of telling, of showing yourself like yeah, I still got it, like I can still date this type of man? Or why do you think you were attracted to a specific type of man? Or why do you think you were attracted to A specific type of man that was I don't think they even cared about you or were not good for you in that way?
Speaker 1:Wow, that's a good question. You know, what I think you are. You nailed it. Yes, I think that was deep down what it was. But also there's one other reason.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's hear it.
Speaker 1:My ex-partner was so vanilla and so boring in bed that I was like I need a bucket list and I want to have like wild sex and I want to have, like you know, the bad boys or whatever you know. I just wanted a different experience. And so you know me going through everything.
Speaker 2:I was going through too, like it was just easy to date the fuck boy because you know they were there for a minute and then when he want, when you want him to yeah pretty much like I'm not gonna lie, like no, I mean, that's what they're here for. They don't want commitment. Well, I'm sorry, but this is what you get. This is the reputation you get. You build it on your own exactly right.
Speaker 1:And now I'm so aware of the boy behavior I can smell them a hundred miles away and I. I would tell people straight up you treat me like this or like this. We are done and these are my boundaries. This is not what I want and I think that's actually really powerful and that's self-love in itself owning what you want in a relationship and what your needs are fuck yes, so yeah, no more fuck boy energy and I'm sorry if you're a male listening to this podcast um, it's the truth, weird time like.
Speaker 2:If you're treating women like that, the least you can do is own it, that's it. If you don't like it, you build that, really that reputation on your own. That's my opinion on fat boys. So if you've been with the fat boys, you know what to do. You need to bring some sage, some palo santo, something that's really funny, and we were talking about this earlier. Um, it's how the importance of you know cleaning the dick of the people that you allow into your space, cleaning the dick with the palo santo. So you take palo santo or some sage and you go home and enjoy it. And, girl, if a man cannot allow you to do that, I don't want, I don't want them inside me. I I gotta do what I gotta do I love that.
Speaker 1:That is so fucking funny, honestly like, yeah, I love you. You and I are such a goofy like sense of humor. We went to ibiza. We went to a club like the craziest club in ibiza and we came home we're like we're saging our vaginas and our bodies because the energy in there, the fuckboy energy, was intense yeah, yeah, I remember it's so funny, I loved it everybody thought that I was doing drugs and Ibiza, and it's funny because it comes down to judgment.
Speaker 1:I was not doing any of that. I didn't want to hook up with anybody. I was not doing drugs. The only thing I took was Advil and I don't know. It's funny how we judge people we were in a really different vibe such a completely different vibe yeah, that was actually so going to ibiza ibiza, is it ibiza right?
Speaker 2:ibiza ibiza.
Speaker 1:Yeah, am I saying right?
Speaker 1:I have invisalign in, so I'm learning how to talk again.
Speaker 1:You know my on my wall I had a picture and it said that I would be dancing in the streets and there'd be sounds and all this stuff. And that was like my main actual goal to go and go to a crazy party and to be able to handle it, because I couldn't handle Costco in the beginning, like the lights were too much, the stimulation was too much, and so I put on my bucket list and I created this bucket list of you know, all these things that I wanted to accomplish and I think that was really helpful for me to stay focused on my healing journey. So I ended up doing it and partied all night in Ibiza with you and it was like that was like a really big moment for me. You know, like it, that was like a really big moment for me. You know, like it may not seem like a big moment for somebody that hasn't gone through this, but it was like, oh my god, okay, I finally got here right yeah, and before that you were in tulum as the loose yourself.
Speaker 1:You could do it, yeah, it was amazing yeah, but like navigating was a bit difficult, and that can be hard after concussion too. So I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. So I was actually terrible at planning and very spontaneous. So what I did was I used hot wire. So last minute, wherever I was going, if I felt like going here or there, I would just go on hotwire and book it.
Speaker 1:I actually did not my entire trip and then I ended up in turkey, out of all places, and then I flew first class coming home and, oh my god, it was great, like my whole self-love journey of those three months was amazing, and I'm so grateful for hotwire because, like it just made life easy and for my you know unorganized self, I could actually do it right, because when I was growing up back in the day, it was like you needed maps. There was no google maps, all this apps, nothing. Yeah, but I proved it to myself that I could do it and, uh, it's very empowering. So thank you so much for all the insights. Paula you are. I mean, I love you so so much and, uh, thank you for having me.
Speaker 2:I love this.
Speaker 1:It's so much fun and I hope that everyone listening has gained some insight and maybe some awareness to you know what's been going on in their own life?
Speaker 2:yes, so proud of you.
Speaker 1:Yes thank you all. Right, ciao for now.