Empowering Trans Women Share Tips On Mental Health, Career Paths, And Overcoming Suicidal Thoughts - Episode 39

CONTENT WARNING! This episode features a lot of conversation around suicide and self harm. Listener & viewer discretion is advised!

We're back! This week, Taryn and Vanessa are your Aunties giving advice on some pretty deep stuff.

Vanessa kind of... well, went off the rails a month ago, which we talk about in this episode. We also discuss the job market, advice for career searching, mental health advice... just lots of advice from two ladies that have lots of advice to give.

We hope you find this episode insightful!

Transcript

Vanessa: 0:00

Kord on this computer. I have to remember how to do this. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. You're

Taryn: 0:12

all Pro? I don't think so. When you've been doing this for over a year, like it'll all come back to like riding a bicycle. I know. This is shit. This is episode 39. You know, so it's been a minute.

Transcending Humanity: 0:33

time away there. Vanessa, what's that? It's a little hiatus. Yeah, a little hiatus because Vanessa lost her fucking mind.

Vanessa: 0:44

Trigger warning for this episode. content warning trigger warning, however you like to do it, there's probably going to be a fair amount of talk of self harm and suicide ideation, stuff like that. So if that's stuff that set you off, you might want to skip this episode. But Take the old name off. And there's more than you possibly imagine. It's everywhere. And you just keep going, you just keep getting mail under the old name to you're like, Oh, well, that person's dead. So their mail doesn't count, then your credit score goes up. Because you change your name and anything bad in your past is still a tribute to your old name. It takes a while for it to catch up. So it because I had declared bankruptcy, which was just wrapped up before I changed my name. So I went from like a 400 Something credit score to I think 780. And now it's bounced back out. I'm at like 720. So but yeah, change your name, your credit goes up for a little bit.

Taryn: 2:13

Yeah, I mean, I'm in the low seven. I'm like 730 something. So like, I'm like, Alright, I could use a boost. Yeah. But I mean, yeah, no, thank you. I mean, it's good to see you. And, you know, we just kind of talked about that a second ago. But, you know, it was a really intense week for you. Like it was a week and a half? Or was it a week, seven days?

Vanessa: 2:37

During like, when I

Taryn: 2:40

yeah, when I was like, How long were you hospitalized, I was hospitalized for

Vanessa: 2:46

a technically, there's a full 24 hours in the ER, and then four days, in four full days really? In the hospital. So and then, but then there's been a lot of fallout since then. So

Taryn: 3:02

I mean, I am happy to see you. Thank you was quiet about you, as many people listen on the show and participate on the show. And, you know, the struggle is real. And, you know, watching this happen to you in real time was really, I mean, I there were a couple of months, I just I had nothing I couldn't even, like I had a lump in my throat and I'm just like, oh my god, like I don't know what to say to, like, you know what I mean? I just, I just, it's, I could just feel for you, right? And I'm just happy that you were able to do what you did. And in get some help, and just, you know, come back to us, right? And I love that I'm loving the energy that I'm seeing you on social media and like the work and you're giving you're doing your photography and stuff and I'm just like, you're a radiant, beautiful person. And it's like, I know you don't think that no, no, you are a radiant, beautiful person. And I'm just happy that you're you're kind of getting healthy and you know, like things will change for us and things will improve and kind of I guess a little bit of an optimist, but it's it's really good to see you.

Vanessa: 4:16

I'm glad I'm still here. It's good to see you too. I'm glad we're back sitting and these and these little zoom calls. I guess I should give the audience a little bit of an explanation as to what happened.

Taryn: 4:31

I'm sorry, I jumped right into it.

Vanessa: 4:32

Oh no. So we record the show one two and Wednesdays usually and kind of bounce around. Sometimes we do evening sometimes we do afternoon just so we can kind of get different hosts on. And so the Tuesday before we were recording I checked myself into the ER for suicidal ideation because the night before I was laying in bed Like just, I'm gonna go upstairs and just swallow a bottle of pills. And, like, hit hard and it hit fast out of nowhere. But I was cuddling with my dog. And that's what stopped me. And then Wednesday, I felt a little bit better during the day, but still really triggered. And we had to cancel a recording because everyone had something come up all at the last minute. And that really triggered me to so I'm like, Okay, fuck the show, I'm done. I've deleted the website for a little bit, and then brought it back up and then hit the pay for it again. But God, I am like, I can't, I can't do the show. I just don't have the mental capacity and stuff to do it. So then I went to bed that night, it was okay. Then the next day, I had a little bit of a kind of an argument with my kids, mother, mom. And I don't know what happened. But I left the house for a little bit, I came back and I stood in the kitchen with my left hand full of probably 40 Benadryl in my right hand. I had a bottle sertraline and I just there for an hour just staring at them. Like one, maneuver the handle away from not having to deal with my bullshit anymore. And the two nights before, just again, my dog stopped me. But this time, even that, like I was whatever hit it hits so hard in so fucking fast. It was absolutely mind blowing to the point where I wrote a note. And then I eventually after an hour, I put the pills back away and crumpled the note up, threw that away and went back downstairs and finished editing some photos that they had to edit. And I sent my kids that are mama tech saying I'm gonna check myself in the ER again to try to get hospitalized. And I spent 24 hours in the ER, most of it under close observation. They had a sitter with me. And then I got transported to Lutheran hospital up in Cleveland and had the most terrifying four days of my life. mental hospitals are no fucking joke. It's It's It's essentially a prison of sorts. I had no, I had no rights anymore at the probate court, I was awarded a state for that time. And I happen to go on the weekend and nothing happens on the weekend. Like you have to wait until Monday for anything to for any chance to get out or anything like that. And so, like my first night outs, I walked out, they were taken in my room. And the guy across the hall from me was make sure I don't back up on my dog standing in his doorway, like into darkness. Like that. So audio listeners think every slasher movie you've ever seen. You know, I'm like, I need to get the fuck out of here. So I went to the to the staff. I'm like, Oh, I made a mistake. What do I do to get out of here. And of course, nobody has the right answers. And I went the entire weekend. Everyone's like, Oh, you'll be able to go home tomorrow, you'll be go home tomorrow. But the fact is you have to meet with the psychiatrists in the social workers on Monday. And then they start deciding. So I did eventually get to go home on Tuesday. They were all of the wards were pretty much overflowed. So they put me into the overflow Ward, which also has a lot of the very acute cases. So eventually, I kind of got into the grind of it. I read four and a half books and I haven't read in a long time. I really wish I would have brought some from home. But mental hospitals for someone with suicidal ideation. They're not the answer. But they I spent the entire time just scared out of my mind, like not knowing what was what was happening, not knowing what's going to come the next day. And really, there's no answers from anybody. You're just stuck in this white room with the most uncomfortable bed that I've ever imagined. I had to take tons of sleeping pills and stuff like that they they give everybody tons of sleeping pills just to fall asleep rather than better mattress but I still just have the vision of that room just like locked in my brain and all white room with some shelving on top On for me in a black and green digital clock that that's the only thing they really look at. And, yeah, there, we need a better better system in this country for people that have suicidal ideation. Because a mental hospital is not the answer, all they do is they lock you in a room, and you don't really get to talk to anybody. Like I talked to the nurses for like five minutes here and there, you get for like five minutes with a psychiatrist. And the rest of the time you're just in this room. We're walking around the halls. And like all the group therapy, things were pretty much made for people with a preschool mental capacity. So like, I didn't really feel that into it. I did wind up going switching medication, and went off Lamotrigine. In shortly after I got out, I was finally diagnosed as autistic, and ADHD and C PTSD and major depressive disorder, which explains a lot. And now I'm no longer on the bipolar medication. I'm finally meeting with a new psychiatrist. Because my last one put me back on bipolar medication, I think that triggered me. And then I also just found out that my hormones have been my doctor prescribed me the wrong dose, and I've only been running out about 20% of the estrogen that I need. So on top of all this shit, my hormones have been completely flopped. So if you're trans, and your mind is going to super dark places, say like, out of the nowhere out of nowhere, get your get your hormones checked, something could be off. I had no idea. And I finally just stirred up on a full dose on one day, but it's been an adventure. So Tara, and I just started just yapping on and on and on. And

Taryn: 12:08

don't apologize to me, I wanted to this is our first time like, forget that I'm hearing the full story. Right. So I'm glad that the hospitalization stopped you from self harm. Right? Like, a kind of did its job at the base level? Yeah, if you like, I actually like to me I was it was terrifying hearing that description of the got the guy across the hall. I'm like, I don't even know if I could sleep in a place like that. I mean, no matter how many sleeping pills, like that was hard. That felt really wrong. But you're right. I mean, I think like what you're saying is what we've been reading, like in the news about just like the state of mental health in this country has really degraded down over the last 40 or 50 years since Reagan decimated the system. So I mean, I'm fortunate to live in California, where they're actually putting a proposition on for the election to actually fund treatment centers, really all facilities and addiction, trying to help people and like working on the on House crisis that we have here. So, you know, the people that are just, you know, trying to survive. And I'm hoping the California can do it, right. I mean, I have so you have a history of doing things first, yeah. Times that say more times than not doing them, right. So like, I'm really hopeful that people here I'll get that kind of better treatment. I'm glad that you were able to like they stopped you from that. I think the important thing too is like your medication dose, under getting the right diagnosis and stuff like that is super important. Because I feel like I can see like, the energy that you have and what you're sharing online, right? And what you've shared in text with me and just, it feels like you're a little bit more in equilibrium. I don't know. Definitely feel it. I feel like you're more balanced and like you're in a better spot. But remember, I shared those hormone levels for me from that, I think was 2021. I was like, yeah, so it was like real, I think it was 2021 or 20 was really low was down to 90. Even at that level. I was getting a little despondent urine mean, like I felt like I could feel that darkness kind of creeping in. So I second Janessa saying Right, like if you're feeling that darkness come in, and I mean, I've been dealing with ideation for decades to and you feel that darkness creeping in check, get the blood levels checked, right and make sure you're being medicated because they changed. They doubled my dose, like when they saw that number for me. So, and hormones are very important for our mental health and a lack of really kind of create, like, I don't know, if it's like a very deep cascading kind of depression. Especially for those of us that no longer can produce testosterone or, you know, or it's just so suppressed that it's never coming back. Right And while I'm on, I'm on the latter part, but it's like, you know, like that some that kind of sex hormone will definitely help. So, but I'm just happy to see you here. And I'm glad that there's a balance and you've got a better diagnosis, you're actually inspiring me to go get tested. Because I want to, I want to understand myself, right? Because I feel like I take some of the boxes for a little bit of autism, and then, you know, a little bit of ADHD. So you're kind of like, you know, hearing your story in your journey. You're inspiring me to go get tested and and do the right thing and understand, like what I need to do to be in the best mental health state that I can be.

Vanessa: 15:41

It's hard to get tested to, it's hard to find people, I finally found one. And honestly, my, my tests, the results came out a bit more severe than I really think I am, like, they put me at level two boarding and level three autism. And I really think I'm more of a level one. But the doctor also said, this combination of all my core comorbidities, with the C, PTSD and ADHD and everything, like amplifies the autism diagnosis. So because if I were level three, I wouldn't be able to be living alone or anything like you're running the show that kind of stuff. So yeah.

Taryn: 16:19

Can you like so the one term that you said that I'm not familiar with, and I would love if you would share that with me see, PTSD, what is that?

Vanessa: 16:28

I it's combined PTSD, there's, there's different, I honestly don't know that much. But there's, like two different types of PTSD. Or you can also have a combination of both. And that's what mine is, is the combination. So get girls fucked up, is pretty much what my diagnosis is. So

Taryn: 16:53

I mean, you know, I'm gonna whip out my Professor Xavier of trans people and say, you're not locked up, you discuss some challenges that you're working on. And we love and support you. Okay,

Vanessa: 17:03

well, thank you to explain the hormone thing to our SIS listeners. So there's, it's PG slash ml or something, whatever, we get numbers for our estrogen levels. And the kind of standard for trans women is to stay between 102 100 of estrogen. And like a sis male produces between like 50 and 80, I believe, naturally, and women, sis women versus female people that are not transitioning to another sex, let's, I have to get my terminology, right. But people who produce estrogen naturally and want to continue producing the estrogen naturally are over like 100 to 300. So a lot of trans women try to see in the 150 range, maybe up to about 200. mindset 32. Yeah, and a couple weeks ago was at 54. And that's why I'm like something is something's wrong here. And so if your levels are low, like Taryn said that she felt like crap, when hers were at 90, and get that bloodwork done. Because if your hormones are off, it can just fuck with everything. And as I found out the hard way, after recording this episode, it's 254. Right now, I have a four o'clock meeting with my doctor. I mean, like what I thought, that's kind of a major thing to the I switched from one type of Australia injection to another in the one that she put me on was a lot weaker in concentration of estrogen, but she kept me on the same dose. So Should your whatsapp

Taryn: 19:00

and it should have been adjusted for sure?

Vanessa: 19:02

Yeah. So kind of a big mistake, and I'm more than a little bit pissed off about it, because it did put me in the hospital. So

Taryn: 19:12

having a bad yeah, I mean, that low I can only imagine. I mean, like if you start cascading down that staircase, and it's like, it's very difficult. I mean, I'm fortunate that I got an adjustment for me. So I mean, they overcompensate and push me over 200 for a couple years. So like, and I've benefited from that I'm not gonna lie. But my endocrinologist last year was like, girl, you know, you got to dial that down a little bit. So now I'm at a happy 140 is

Vanessa: 19:41

a good number though.

Taryn: 19:43

Like I'm going to I'm getting my bloodwork done next week, so I'll see like what my levels are and just chuck it in since I'm old as hell I got to get my cholesterol done all that good luck I

Vanessa: 19:55

get Yeah, get it all done. It's when you're trans you get your blood taken like crazy how I'm finally starting to get used to when I was in hospital. Complete aside on bloodwork, some like girl came in at like 615 in the morning to draw blood. I'm like, I was asleep like, what? No, fuck, no, no. And then she's gone. I'm like, I hate lab work, but you're trans, you have to check everything. So

Taryn: 20:27

that'll learn like needles.

Vanessa: 20:30

Yeah, like you don't have to inject your estrogen or testosterone. There's other ways of doing it. You can there's pills, there's patches, there's even like gel and shit like that. Injection is just easy. And you know, you're getting it all. So, but and there's less risk of blood clot for an estrogen side, there's less risk of blood clots for injections in the art with pills. So the more you know, more, you know. So yeah.

Taryn: 21:02

Well, Esther doll so what? sublingual under the tongue? Oh,

Vanessa: 21:07

you're doing suddenly what? You should try injections girl.

Taryn: 21:11

think it'd be better?

Vanessa: 21:12

Oh, yeah,

Taryn: 21:13

I can't stand any more growth. I'm looking I'm good. I'm throwing clothes out at a at a rapid pace. Right now.

Vanessa: 21:19

This estrogen just works for you really, really well. So what does zoom what? Oh, this this, this zoom call is that the charges went through. So thank you zoom. So

Taryn: 21:36

So I mean, I think this, like, if for listeners out there, right? Just think about that. And just kind of when you're in those states, you know, you need to go and get the help. We knew we discuss how the system here in this country is not that great. But like, you know, the the end result of even a bad stay for four days as a ward of the state. I mean, Vanessa still here, she was unable to self harm. And I mean, was it helpful, maybe not as much, right. But getting her other diagnosis are just important. And so like, you can, I know many of us are in like out looking for a job or don't have health care, or, you know, there's some other issue that's popping up that's preventing this, but like, don't hesitate to get the help you need and, you know, just focus on focus on like, what you can do to strengthen yourself, right, and to get the right diagnosis to get the right medicine, be vocal with your providers, like Vanessa, you're probably gonna have that conversation about the astronaut, right, the estrogen, you know about the dose and you know, that not having that the high enough dose of it to compensate for the new drug and what the results were right. I mean, that could have very well ended in in depth.

Vanessa: 22:50

Yeah, exactly. That's why I'm kinda pissed. Yeah,

Taryn: 22:53

so I mean, you got to have those conversations with the doctors and I'm not telling any non binary folk that are dealing with healthcare, anything new, right? I mean, like, this is this constant state that we have to go through, but for for our SIS had friends or it's just gay and lesbian brides, this, you know, just if you help somebody talk to them, nudge them into getting treatment, right? Yeah,

Vanessa: 23:16

it's important you there for a cause, cuz, like, keep an eye on your friends, because a lot of times, like, I personally didn't see myself falling as quickly as I did. I like your metaphor about falling down the stairs. That's what it was like, it was that fast. I was fine. And then I was holding pills about to kill myself. Like keep an eye on your friends. Because we don't always know what's going on in our own heads. And it's, it's kind of terrifying. So um, unfortunately, like doctors just like to throw drugs at things like this psychiatrists. I've been seen double down on my bipolar diagnosis. But yes, it doesn't know anything about autism. And it turns out the type of autism and combination of symptoms I have is misdiagnosed as bipolar all the time. But the medication for bipolar does not work with my brain. So

Taryn: 24:25

I mean, like, Oh, God, you got the you got a better script, right, that treats you how you need to be traded. I mean, I had back in the day, I worked in pharma and I worked for AstraZeneca as a consultant and they had a major drug Seroquel, right. So like, as part of the marketing for that you have to read all the prescribing information understand, I mean, those drugs are incredibly powerful, was really bad side effects. Like, I mean to me, like it's worth anybody if you're getting a bipolar diagnosis, maybe a second opinion. Yeah, just like find a really good provider that can help you because, um, like these drugs are not. They're not like say, Well, I guess they're well tolerated in a way because they're being sold, but they are still dangerous, right. And they still like, if you're misdiagnosed, it can be a really, like we're talking about now a catastrophic health issue,

Vanessa: 25:21

they can really, really mess you up. So second, opinions are always fixed. That's extremely good advice. And make sure that like, if you have any suspicions of, of conditions that you may have, like narcissistic personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder, or bipolar, or autism, or ADHD, if you have suspicions about those things, when you are trying to find someone to do mental health care for you, ask if they are if they're experienced with that kind of thing, because that's what happened with me with this, this guy that I been seeing. He doesn't know anything about autism, and misdiagnosed again. So it was very dangerous, the medication, I take myself off of the Lamotrigine a few months before that, because I just felt like garbage with it. And I wanted to see how I felt without it. And when I was offered, I felt much better. And then once I went back on, it starts feeling like garbage again. So

Taryn: 26:32

that's an important lesson to write listen to your body. Like if you're not getting what you need when you're taking something like definitely have that conversation with your doctor. I know I mean, these are serious trends. Like I mean, you know, years ago they were when Trump was doing the whole detainment of children at the border. The doctors were actually prescribing there was a doctor in the southern states that was prescribing Seroquel, I think XL to children under 12. Where it's clearly contraindicated for anybody under 12. Right. I mean, they were doing it to pacify children that they've stripped from their parents. I mean, these drugs are like I said, I mean, they're able to be sold. So there's benefit, but they are a serious complications and indications are out for each one of them. So second thing is listen to your body. And then get the right medication the right mix. Definitely.

Vanessa: 27:27

If you think you're on the wrong Med, don't just take yourself off it like right away that don't like cold turkey that shit. Ask a doctor how to take yourself off of it. Because there can be like, there's some that if you go off, you can start having seizures and shit like that. So

Taryn: 27:41

that's super important to like, Yeah, this is that episode chock full of health information, you know, a lot, there are a lot of drugs like that, that you cannot do this sudden cessation of it, where you can't just stop it. Right? Can cause I mean, there's a whole, like, multiple classes of drugs that can have side effects like that. And I can imagine that, you know, neurologic medicine probably has the same situation.

Vanessa: 28:08

Like it is screaming, Jackson general, just prescription drugs is terrifying. Like, I don't know, we we rely on them very heavily. I mean, I'm sure you take, I'm sure you have your own fucking pharmacy and little pill dispensers in the morning like I do. But

Taryn: 28:27

pharmaceuticals, but yeah, so like, I mean, I'm fortunate enough just to like pop to pseudophakic Desertec, and, you know, I do Spironolactone and Astro doll. So pretty funny. It was not to have like, too much than that. So, but um, once again, I haven't gone and got treated and had been tested like you have, so I don't know if there's more medicine in the mix. I do have a habit of self medicating with cannabis. So that might be

Vanessa: 28:56

I mean, that's just a miracle drug. I wish I could do that. It just makes me puke. So that would suck. At least it's finally gonna be legal in Ohio here next month. I think so. recreationally. So Pinelands leasers something not too shitty about this state. So what else has been going on? We still have a half hour of just bullshitting. So

Taryn: 29:23

Well, I mean, you know, I shared with you earlier, right? And then I think you saw a post that um, you know, so we will name change. So tip my mom's maiden name, her middle name is not my middle name. So got the gender change, the legal name change. And now we're going to do all the 1000s of sites and usernames and logins, you know, and I can imagine how painful this is going to be going and changing my name on my Verizon account, but like it's also not this necessary. I need to do I now the bummer for me is that I just got a layoff notice the same week that I got my legal my court orders. So I'm like So you're going to be changing stuff in the middle of looking for another job. So I'm on, I'm on the clock till about May 19. And then I don't know what's coming next. But I'm kind of feverishly as you. anybody listening to this who's looking for work right now. It's a full time job. So, like, I work my job. And then at night, I come home and spend four hours job hunting in connecting with people and networking and updating resumes and doing all this stuff. So it's a bit of a hustle, but you know, gotta get it done and kind of get into a better footing. So, but those are the challenges that I've had. So it's like, you know, like, I had something great happened in the same week, something utter crap happened. So, but hopefully,

Vanessa: 30:41

in the end, it all worked out. Because I know. You had some some issues there too. So? Well,

Taryn: 30:49

yeah. I mean, I think almost everybody has some sort of issue with their lawyer, right? There's something that you're not the unseen, you're not being heard, you're not being included. I mean, there's always challenges, you know, but ideally, for me, I try to suck it up and just get through things. Because I like a paycheck, because I appreciate a roof over the head and food and the ability to pay my car off and stuff like that. So, you know, it's like you when you have bills, like you can't really afford to be, you know, just super picky. So it's really weird job market. So I know. It's a really weird market. And you know, it's from 2021, when they did all that hiring post pandemic, right after everybody got laid off in 2020. And they hired all those people. And then even in the Bay Area, so in Silicon Valley here, layoffs after layoffs after layoffs every week, because they over hired or what they strategy the leaders came up with failed. So let's make the entire team redundant, you know, like that, like kind of bullshit. So it's made the market to I feel like it's swung back for the employer. So we're in two years and went right back to the employer. So it's been, it's been challenging, but I'm, I'm working with some people right now that were really focused on networking, and really trying to get, like more of a referral system. So people on there, and I'm hoping it'll pan out for me.

Vanessa: 32:18

I mean, I don't think that you're gonna be hand America too long. I personally think you're gonna find something pretty quickly, because you're pretty marketable as the marketing girl, your marketing leader, so. But I hope, I think something will come up for you pretty quickly, I am starting to focus on my photography company. Please stop, I thought, Liam, and I both thought we had jobs last week. And that turned out to be fake. I'm gonna go ahead and call it the company name here, credit repair cloud. That's the company that did that to us. I didn't put that into the reading and posts and stuff like that. But it was credit repair cloud, to point where we had reference checks. Taryn can vouch for that, because she filled out one of my references, and we're background checks. We were both premise jobs that would pay at least 60 grand. And then it turned out to not exist. So there's a lot of scams out there, that people have to watch out for. And it's so hard to get your hopes up on anything. Because you think that you never know when the Rosca can get pulled out from under you. And that's how I felt the entire time when I was this big job was supposed to be a thing and like, Lindsey attitude and a job, and it did. So they have an effect both me and Liam. We were both we're both interviewing, we were supposed to be co workers, which would have been absolutely amazing.

Taryn: 33:55

Oh, I mean, cuz she actually involved me, the person at this involved me into this through like, I think she reached out to Liam and Liam referred her to, you know, to me. So she kind of brought me into this mix. And I was like, I was super hopeful. Like, I was like it because remember, I was like hitting you up and texting you like, Hey, girl, like, you know, and just, I was like, oh my god, this is finally gonna happen for you. And then when that happened, I'm like, What the actual fuck? Like, I was like, I mean, I was when I did that. On LinkedIn the other day. I was furious. Like, I was like, I'm gonna, I want to, I was so close to putting that CEO on blast, and being like, hey, motherfucker, like, this is what your people are doing. And in case you don't know this, because you're in CEO that, you know, like, this is the exact opposite of what an HR person is supposed to do. And she should be terminated right now. I chose non violent non violence but I was like, I wanted to fucking like that up because I was like, I know I know what you've been going through. You've been very vocal and have been sharing this. And I've been in a situation not quite as bad as what you're facing, right? With all the challenges, but it's like I've been in long term, you know, where it's like the Great Recession, tech bust, you name the recession, I've usually get made redundant, right? So it's like, I notice actually 12 months in and doing anything you can per dollar. Okay? And hustling and making it happen, because you got you got a kid, which I did at the time, several couple miles, you know, and you hustle to make it happen, you hustle to feed. I mean, the first layoff I had, I was getting like thing was a second swing. But the second layoff I had was like, I was my daughter was just born, I was buying diapers on a credit card. Yes, like, baby food on a credit card. I'm like, Just differently, making ends meet, you know what I mean? So I knit, it's rough, and it's stressful, and I have a special place in hell for motherfuckers that exploit people's hope. And then like, just kind of pulled the rug out from underneath them as they deserve that shit. And she's lucky that we don't put her on blast.

Vanessa: 36:08

I'm hoping that I'm still trying to give her personally benefit of the doubt. But not the company is not credit repair cloud, something is fucking rotten there. So but I still have her blocked, I don't want to talk to her. But here's what's happening all the time. Like I see people posting on LinkedIn frequently about fake jobs. And if you if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. If you have one, I know that there's a scam that some people get where the employer will ask them to pay for something like Pay for this background check or something like that. Red flag camp, no company should be asking you to pay for anything, if that's kind of coming up. Or if you're like, Oh, well, you need to transfer some money to here, red flag scam. But so many job hunters. I don't believe that the unemployment rate is as low as they say it is. The we both know so many people that are unemployed, and just searching and searching and searching and searching, searching. And it's easy to get desperate. And I think it's very easy to get fooled. When you're that desperate. And there are people out there that will still you know, be predators. So you have to stay vigilant

Taryn: 37:32

but Well, I mean 1009 Girls surprising not surprising. I fell for that scam. I was so desperate in the Great Recession got I just I took a gamble. I thought was gambling. I was like, Okay, hopefully this works out. And I ended up like getting stuck with a huge ass like bill that I had to tap into my retirement to fill it just it was a nightmare. It was all fraud. And I just because I know like when it's when I kind of texted you about hope. I know what it's like to have complete utter hope and a habit just dissipate into vapor. And I mean, I was furious, but I got burned. And I was like, I just like when my adage I've been saying for years is can't trust the human can't eat him yet. But that's like, I mean that I have to be frosty like that. Because I am a trusting individual. You know, and I like to believe the people are better than what they really are. And they're not. But yeah, those those scams or frauds are real. And I'm really sorry that like you and Liam, like and in, you know that exploitation. And I don't care if that I'm sorry. I'm going to be really prepared. I don't care if that bitch was doing it out of the kindness of her heart, the end result of it, it can be utterly traumatic, and just demoralizing at your core. And I just feel like even in the best case scenario, F her. Like I just I'm like I just there's no way that I can think about because I know like I've been in business for less than we've been working for a long time. But in business, like 20 years, and it's like I know what you can do and what you can say and what you can't do and what you can't say she broke those rules, right? Yes. But yeah, I mean, stay frosty. But that's the one thing I would say, for the job. Please go out on my LinkedIn profile. So if there's somebody you see in my network that works, then we're connected. And that works at a company you're looking for. Let me see if I can try and get some kind of referral to you because I really do truly believe their referrals. So the way that we'll be able to break through to do that. I'm fortunate I have no referrals in Ohio. I know nobody happens that many connections in Ohio.

Vanessa: 39:48

I'm looking remote. So because I need to be able to be flexible.

Taryn: 39:52

I'll think I'll send you that job site. See if that works and set up a profile on that. But yeah, I was gonna say a postman racked up with my Chase alumni, like JP Morgan, they, you know, they are supposed to be an employer of choice at least now Ohio as well, you know, with a strong support for the LGBTQ. So, you know, that's, um, you know, like, just exploring options right in your space. But please look at my connections, if there's anything I can do to send a note, give you a referral, just let me know.

Vanessa: 40:24

Referrals are that's how you find jobs these days, it's you hear it over and over and over again, it's just about who you know. So if you know people that are job hunting, they've been on the chaplain for a while to hear, here's kind of a hot take from Vanessa. Instead of saying you should do this, you should do that you should do this, you should do that. Ask what they need, if there's something that you can do to help them, I get people, when I get frustrated about not making any money, people are like to go work at Walmart, go work at McDonald's, stuff like that, like, when being trans and Ohio in a red area, that's just too fucking dangerous. And too, it's not enough money to live on. You know, I make more money doing my photography than I would working full time at a minimum wage job. It's not helpful to Job Hunters to tell them that. Instead, ask like, is it can I help you with your resume? Do you is there anybody you think that I might be able to introduce you to that kind of thing? It's a lot more helpful that way. Because trust me, people are that are unemployed for a long time, like me, we're looking at all the ways of making money, we've probably done a lot of it, too. So I personally wish that sex work had worked out better for me, because that would really pay the bills. But unfortunately, post op trans girls aren't very popular on only fans. But that's also a full time job, too. So

Taryn: 41:56

sex workers work, you know? Yeah. Always work. Probably more work than we deserve. Yeah.

Vanessa: 42:02

Yeah. Now, I'm like, it would have been fun to do that. But none if I wasn't gonna make money doing it. So. But yeah, it's just very good. Just support people. Instead, don't just say you should do this, you should do that. Because all it does is just pisses, I know, pisses me off. And I'm sure it pisses off other people too, because I don't want to hear it. I need help, not stupid suggestions. So

Taryn: 42:31

now, I mean, that's really real. I mean, when you said that, I think, was because we talk on, like four different channels. But um, you know, you said that, and I'm just like, hallelujah. I mean, like, during my layoffs, I hear that all the time, just get a job at Home Depot, just get a job at a restaurant, like you can cook, you can do this. I'm like, what I was working at a restaurant at first, it was like 1993, and I could kind of survive on that restaurant pay. You can't like in California, like, I can get a job in McDonald's and work 40 hours a week. And that pays for about half my bills. Right? And that's and we have like a $20 minimum wage, like or vasca job. So it's just like, it's unreasonable, you know, offer connections like for me, like I try not to do that shit to you, you know, but it's like, for me, it's like, I'm looking at like, hey, I'll send you the site. Right? They're gonna give that over to you. Because I want you to explore that and take a look at it. You and I talked about your resume with you, right? Like, these are the things that we can help our friends right to do. Because I felt like you had that option for another resume. Right, with all your experience. Writing come from a different perspective. So yeah, I mean, I was talking to a friend of mine at an art show. So I did, um, I contributed to an artist getting a Master's in Fine Arts in spatial art. Yes, I contributed to their show. And they were interviewing people on fashion clothing, and how it influences society and gender. So I actually saw like, they had a little thing with my quote on it, like in the art show. So I caught up with a really good friend of mine that I met Well, we met last year, I d dropped in her DMs and invite her to one of my events, and she came to like, probably about four or five of them. So we started building this friendship. And she's been on the market for a long term too. And so like her and I were strategizing last night, I'm like, Girl, I just got my resume read. Let me like, let me send it over to you. And maybe that'll inspire you for years. And then like, can you connect me to this recruiter that you're connected to this company and I'll do this and this company, you know, and like, we're like, literally an art show like with and I think the artists is heard like one of our childhood friends. And you know, we're talking about it and we're like, we're looking at art and they're like, look, turn around, be like, Okay, send me your resume, like, alright, and we're doing the strategizing or the job hunt, right, but that's what we're doing. It's like kind of bouncing off each other and helping each other right. And that's what we should be doing right now, especially during which such shift wanna lay off people?

Vanessa: 45:03

They really are. And like, everyday you see more and more and more and more and more and more and more. And then you also like, I'm on the selfish front, you're like, Fuck more people get laid off. It's just gonna be even more competition for me then. And I've thought that before, too. And I've also had the thought, like, when people say go work in McDonald's. I've had the thought, you know, people are like, what are you to get to work for work at McDonald's? I'm thinking. Fuck yeah, actually. I have so much experience that it's just wasted doing that. And I still have nightmares about waiting tables from 2000 to 2002. I could not do it. I physically could not do that job. I have so much respect for people that were fast food, that work service industry, with all that stuff. I could not do it. I would absolutely lose my shit. I'm autistic, I would shut down. I would just be fucking all over the place. You wouldn't want me in that job. I get fired in days. So yeah, I'm not knocking people in those roles. It's just not something that I am trained to do. It's not something that I am personally able to do. So yeah.

Taryn: 46:16

Yeah. I mean, I that's I got paid my way through college. Working working in food service. Yeah, I've suffered like big cuts, gashes, first and second degree burns, like all kinds of stuff. I mean, like to the food service workers installing fast food workers. Yeah, it's a hard freakin job. You know, and it's like, but for people like with a good amount of experience, it's also dismissive to be like, bunches come work here. You know, like, they're hiring us all big poster. Yeah. Like, you don't understand how someone you need to survive, right? Because we gotta pay rent. So it's like, yeah, check the checks, or do so. You know, be more productive and help people. But you're right. I mean, that is, when I see those layoffs, especially in my area. I'm just like, Fuck, I'm like more people that get more saturated. Right? So right now I stand out. But it's like, you know, let a couple more layoffs happen. And then I'm like, gonna be just blend into the crowd a little bit.

Vanessa: 47:14

It's hard, it's hard to keep up. So

Taryn: 47:18

what's your favorite job board that you've used, that you feel like could be helpful for people,

Vanessa: 47:23

um, I've been using built in, and adda, I've been using built in the most lately. LinkedIn, I don't use too much because their search function just sucks. But they do pop up a lot of good recommended jobs. So I actually do apply to a lot of the recommended jobs that LinkedIn like pops up on my feed, because they're really good at suggesting those. It's their search function. Just like if you type in people, operations people manager, it pulls words from anywhere in anything. So you could get that and then be getting like, fucking, like Doctor jobs and shit like that, like, because the job description says that people at that company have management. So but built in is very good out is very good. I've used a bunch of other ones in the past, but those are the ones I've been using lately. So what are you using?

Taryn: 48:21

I mean, I feel the same way about LinkedIn. So it's like what the recommendations like I find some good ones in there. But I'm telling you like, usually when I go for the recommended jobs on LinkedIn, it's like almost an immediate dismissal. Sometimes. I mean, we're just laid out, Oh, we've considered you and blah, blah, blah, and keep your records on file. You know, blah, blah, blah. I'm starting just like some getting people sending me jobs. Right. And I'm reaching out to myself doing that referral thing. So I'm reaching out to people in my network, and saying, like, Hey, I saw this job on your site. And you know, would you be good with referring me like I'm doing an application tonight, where my sister's husband works at the company, and he's already created a referral link for me, right? So it's a remote job. So I'm like, I'm gonna go for it. But I'm, I'm trying to really activate my network. What's funny is I started going on to Glassdoor more. And a couple really good jobs just popped up there. So we'll see how that goes to. But really, like network, we're sharing jobs and sharing information and an offering to refer and I've got some really high end wonderful people in my network that really wants to help them really are going out of their way to do things and kind of help uplift so it's kind of hard, you

Vanessa: 49:39

know, same year, like the post I made after when I posted about that fake job, like, I post has something like 40,000 impressions on LinkedIn where most of my posts get bought 1000 And a lot of people were sharing and like just asking, like getting I was getting connections out of it. I was getting Goodness has a lot of bad messages to you get a lot of spam on LinkedIn, but but a lot of people just trying to help so because some people will see jobs pop up in their feeds that you don't. So I'll get tagged and things like that. And it's helpful. So yeah, it's networking, grow your damn Network.

Taryn: 50:24

And don't be afraid to like me. So I'm gonna say this right? Like, I don't want to dismiss anybody spheres, right. So like, I've had a life where I've had plenty of fear in my life. And it's taken me decades to kind of get through that and to understand myself and what I'm capable of and what I'm not capable of. So when I say this, like, you know, like, don't be afraid, right? I'm like saying that when you're growing, and you're adapting, and you're, you're, you're trying different things like, take that opportunity, take that chance to reach out to somebody, right? DM them, they might not answer. I mean, I've done a few where I've had, I've sent messages to connect with people, like 20 of them, and 20 of them connected with me within a day, right? Then I've sent messages to connect with people that I had to delete the connection request, because of like the same happening, right, like, all time a death on it. Right? So it's like, it's been six months. If you're not reading your request, then Alright, bye.

Vanessa: 51:24

Yeah,

Taryn: 51:26

take that chance, you know, if you've got that fear, or just like, What am I supposed to say? For God's sakes, DM me on LinkedIn and ask me if you want me to, like, take a look at a message, I'm happy to help craft something for you. share something with you, right? Like, this is why we say we're trying to we're in this together is as somebody you trust, to help you with something, right? And just, you know, and take that feedback and see if you're working in and who knows what happens, right?

Vanessa: 51:55

Yeah, connecting with people on LinkedIn to makes it much easier to message them. When you're not connected to somebody and you miss them, unless they have an open profile, it goes to a different folder. So in mail generally gets filtered out as spam. Because almost all email is spam. So if you can, if you can wait to actually try to get connected with that person, and then message it, there's a much better chance they're actually going to see the message. So

Taryn: 52:27

wherever the other tab, so it's like you get your direct emails, right from people you're connected to or following. And then you have the other tab. And if you're not connected, and you have in mail credits, because you're paying for LinkedIn like I do, then it goes right to the other, right, sometimes it boosts into the main, the main one, I think you have to be a second level connection of a premium member, that'll go into their main DM folder. But the one thing I would say for Job Hunters, so like, so when I said I are different states of where we are, you know, so like, for me, what I've always kind of counseled people are on is make your connections, start building your network before you need them. Right? Once you're like two months unemployed, right? And you're scrambling for work is not the time to network that creates like an extra level of stress, right? So I tried to look in grow my network consistently in the in the good times. And then maybe rely on them in the not so good times, right? So like, reach out to people make those connections. You know, work on your resume when you have a job right and make sure it's tight. And it's updated. Like I used to tell my guys and I'm back east was a managing ad. I was like, listen, portfolio sites need to be updated. Your resumes need to be updated, right? Like keep them at a current state because you never know what's going to happen in the business. Right? You can be plodding along and planning all this crap. And then next thing you know, it's like you're made redundant, right? So just keep, like, stay frosty, stay on it. And just you know, don't be afraid to ask for help and find people that you trust to kind of help you

Vanessa: 54:09

embrace technology to when it comes to resumes and cover letters embrace AI. I ponied up to get chat GPT for it's only 20 bucks a month for it. And it's vastly different from chat GPT 3.5. Most of the time, when you send your resumes off to a resume service, they're just going to run it through chat GPT so just do it yourself. And you can work like check GPT for I was having a lot of fun with it because it would make some suggestions like well, that doesn't quite fit. Let's do this new tweak everything. And I'm pretty happy with how my resume works right now. And I'm now also using it for cover letters because cover letters welcome suck and embrace technology. It's there to use so you might as well use it. You can do chat up to 3.5 for free You just create an account. And it does make a difference. And it does take some of the load off.

Taryn: 55:06

I ran into one job application I submitted right for an AI company. And, you know, they were like, listen, we all know that people use chit chat up to Claude, whatever, to write your resume and cover letter. But they asked, like, why do you want to work here? And they were like, can you please acknowledge and agree that you will tell us how you feel? And not rely on AI? So like, there are times to use AI? And there are times that you're gonna have to write some stuff of yours. Oh, yeah. But I think Vanessa's that she's spot on with that, right? It's like, I suck at doing about me. It's like when somebody's like, tell me about yourself. I'm this like, Oh, God, I started like, and even people who could coach recruiters, right? They're like, looking at me. And they're like, no, because I started like, Listen, I've done this many years. Like, I'm really like, I don't know, just, I don't really talk about myself in a way that's people, like listen and learn. So I'm really dry about it. And I use Chachi Beatty to do my about me and LinkedIn. I was like, I may make a couple corrections. But it was huge. It was like, about me, that doesn't sound like I'm some kind of marketing dork who can't talk to human beings. So like, yeah.

Vanessa: 56:21

Yeah, I mean, my entire LinkedIn profile right now. I just what I had in there already, I plugged it in. And that was with Chet GPT 3.5. And I said, I asked it to, because you can ask it to do different tones. I'm like, I like it a professional, but conversational tone, because the way I talk it be professionally or not, it's how I just talk. It's how I write how I talk to. And it did a really good job with it. So yeah, there are out there too. Yeah. Yeah, chat, GPT 3.5 is free. So and it's, it's kind of an amazing tool, really, so.

Taryn: 57:01

So like, I'll give you a little bit closer, you might occasionally see me publish some thought leadership for my company. And for me, I do a lot of writing and a lot of researching, like, first party research. So my style is kind of journalistic in terms of research and writing. But Chachi, like the one thing I hate when writing content, right, and working at content is it's doing a content outline. So like when you're writing thought leadership, you've got to write to an outline, right? And I am dragging my feet, I'm like that 10 year old child, that's like throwing a fit, it has to be drugged somewhere. I hate doing content outlets, I always have hated content outlines like it, I will get jammed up on a content outline. I go in utilizing a program, I tell kind of what I'm thinking about, and start crafting content outline. So some of the writing that I'll do is like, I'll look for some inspiration from those content guidelines. So I can or outline so I can kind of like figure out okay, here's my main couple stages of the article. And then I just do my own research and right. So like, I mean, there's nothing wrong with integrating AI and tools into your toolkit that helps you be more efficient and more effective, right because I mean, once it like it may 19 may 20 I'm going to cooperate with them with rapper with a friend of mine. I'm going to co write with Jordan and we're going to start doing some work together and publishing things on LinkedIn about some of the articles that you know we feel need to get elevated sound like I'm looking to do more writing and get into content marketing and just really explore but I'm also using the tools that are available to me, so don't be afraid to do that. That's what they are. They're tools.

Vanessa: 58:42

Just like Grammarly is another good one just for just when you're writing because it can just kind of help fix things as you go along.

Taryn: 58:51

Grammarly Grammarly is pretty cool. I love Grammarly. Yeah, so hold on, I gotta tell you, I'm going to do a post in like a week or two about summarizing my 2.4 months, two years and four months of work. grammerly gives me a tally of how much I've written and how many words it's analyzed my behalf. Girl 2,048,002 Shit years I have that many words. And I was telling you by like I'm a couple of my close sisters are writers. I was telling them about that. They were like holy shit. That's like the equivalent of like 10 to 20 knots. That's the output by do so like that's gonna be part of my thing. Like, how do you summarize a career? You know, like, here it is 2.0 4 million words. That's

Vanessa: 59:38

wild. People love seeing stats like that too. So like you just post stats. I'm

Taryn: 59:44

a bit of a dork. So I'm like, I see that ticker going up and I'm like, yeah, yeah, so. So it's been a really good conversation. Yeah, it's been wide ranging and this has been beneficial to the audience. And girl it once again is so good to see you. And I'm glad you're in a better spot right now.

Vanessa: 1:00:06

Thank you. I'm glad to be here trying to figure out with a store.

Taryn: 1:00:10

Friend, you have to go further but, but right now you're in that space. Yeah,

Vanessa: 1:00:15

it's just just being different medication helps a lot. So like the Wellbutrin that I'm now on kicked in, like, it kicks in pretty quick and it actually started kicking in when I was at the hospital and I started feeling better there. So I'm now completely off the Neutrogena. I actually went off a little bit early. Because fuck that shit. I don't want that poison in my body anymore. But I don't know what to name this episode. Right beside vacation and chat. GPT

Taryn: 1:00:47

I don't know. I mean, I kind of felt like the way we're doing it was kind of like Auntie like, you know, along like your aunties. Were just commenting on chat. So, like the lessons from your auntie, I don't know,

Vanessa: 1:00:58

lessons from your auntie. Yeah, that's a good one lessons from from, from your aunties so.

Taryn: 1:01:08

Okay. All right. Well, hey, good talking to you. And to Sure, we'll do another episode before I split from work.

Vanessa: 1:01:15

Yeah, we'll figure out how to get you a setup at home for setup, right? We're podcasting. It's really not hard. You just need one of these and

Taryn: 1:01:26

just really tight on cash, you know, trust

Vanessa: 1:01:29

me, I know. I know. I had to invest in I invested in a new lens for photography for portraits. And I'm just like, I just need to just bite the bullet because you know, I need some I need better equipment, but you need to find the work.

Taryn: 1:01:44

You need your tools for your craft, you know, I mean, unavoidable. Right, awesome. Well, y'all be careful out there and stay frosty. And if you need something, don't hesitate to reach out to us and ping us and DM us.

Vanessa: 1:02:00

And subscribe to our fucking Patreon send us money. being unemployed and trying to support the show is not easy. So now I can't tap into Taryn anymore either because she's not going to be employed.

Taryn: 1:02:10

So on until I land a gig. Yeah.

Vanessa: 1:02:14

So yeah, send us money leaves. We'll be back doing this every two weeks and not sure what the next episode will be. But we're back. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting. Please remember to share, rate us all that stuff too. It really does help helps kids get us up on the algorithms because life is all about algorithms these days. So help us with the algorithm. Taryn, thank you so much. It's always lovely to do this with you.

Taryn: 1:02:45

I know the same girl or y'all love ya.

Vanessa: 1:02:48

Bye bye.