My Story by Vernon Smith

What would you do if you had to raise five children alone after a difficult divorce? Our guest, Vernon Smith, knows firsthand the trials and triumphs of this extraordinary journey. As a dedicated father, he shares how he balanced the demands of work, personal growth, and parenting while emphasizing that love is more than just a feeling—it's an actionable commitment driven by respect, compassion, honesty, patience, and humility.

Vernon's story sheds light on the initial mistake many parents make: prioritizing their children’s needs to the detriment of their own well-being. A transformative conversation with his mother opened his eyes to the necessity of self-care. Vernon talks candidly about turning to acting as an unexpected but powerful outlet for personal release and growth, providing him with the emotional balance needed to be the best parent he could be. Acting also became a way to confront and conquer his social anxiety, adding another layer to his multi-faceted journey.

Reflecting on his evolving perspective on leadership and parenting, Vernon discusses how he shifted from an authoritarian approach to a more nurturing and reflective stance. His experiences, including a poignant role as a father with a hospitalized son, underline the importance of empathy and professionalism. Vernon’s story is a testament to the unrecognized super dads who navigate life’s challenges with grace and resilience. Join us as we celebrate these everyday heroes and remind you that everyone has a story worth sharing. Reach out to us at AbundantLivingEveryday@gmail.com to share yours. Thank you for listening, and until our next inspiring legacy story, goodbye!

Abundant Living Everyday, Living out the Word one day at a time!!!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Well, hello everyone, good afternoon, good evening, whatever time you find yourself in. Hello, my name is Rev Alma Dunbar-Savoy. I am the host and creator of Abundant Living Everyday Legacy Series, and it's a series all about sharing stories of regular people like you and me, who, you know, gone through some extraordinary things and God has done some extraordinary things in our lives, and we're sharing our stories just to share with others, to help others, to show others what God can do and how resilience and perseverance is so important in our lives. So today we're starting this series in June and we're looking at some fathers, some regular fathers who has extraordinary stories, and we're calling this unit Unrecognized Heroes, celebrating Some Super Dads.

Speaker 1: 1:09

And so today I'm so excited I have a super dad with us, I have someone here today, a dad that's going to share his story with us today, with us today.

Speaker 1: 1:30

And so our theme highlights remarkable dads who who's you know, navigated some challenges of things that we go through dads go through and each story will be a different dad showcasing his unique journey and the obstacles that he's faced and the incredible ways he's thrived as a parent, as a dad, and persevered and, you know, and is not only surviving but thriving, and we have such an exciting dad, young man that will be sharing, uh, uh, his story with us, on, on on, at this session. Uh, today, uh, this time, and we're going to jump right in, I'm going to ask him to go ahead and introduce himself, tell us a little bit about himself, and we're going to go ahead and get started. So, my guests, thank you so much. I want to thank you so much for sharing your story on Abundant Living Legacy Series. You know I'm really grateful to you. And go ahead and get started, introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about yourself.

Speaker 2: 2:38

Absolutely. First off, let me say I'm very pleased and very humbled by your invitation and by the opportunity to sit and speak with you. My name is Vernon Smith. Um, I am a father father of five, in fact and I, just like I said, I'm really excited to, I guess, speak about my experiences, um, my processes as a dad and, and just my, my, my, I guess, my outlooks okay. I'm really excited to share that with you all. Thank you, okay.

Speaker 1: 3:07

Okay. So let's just go ahead and and and start with your journey as a. Now you're a single parent yeah, Am I correct? Okay, so let's start off with that your journey as a single parent, raising five children, balancing work and personal growth pursuits, and that so share what that journey looks like for you.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Absolutely. Let me first start by saying I have three daughters, two sons. My daughters are and that order is a matter of fact my daughters are my oldest children. My two sons are my youngest. Okay, my oldest daughter was a result of a relationship that was prior to my marriage. Okay, I met my now ex-wife in 1999.

Speaker 2: 3:53

Okay, we were together for a little over 15 years, married a little over 12, but we were actually separated just after 10 years. So that marriage resulted in the birth of the three that we have together. So the three youngest my youngest, my youngest daughter and my two sons, you know, came through that marriage. I have a bonus daughter as a result of that marriage. That was her biological daughter and then my oldest. So throughout our relationship, I was either the sole breadwinner or the primary breadwinner, but I was also during that time. I was either the sole breadwinner or the primary breadwinner, but I was also, during that time, a very active dad. That was extremely important to me. So there was a lot of balancing of that, I guess you could say their personal life and being a father.

Speaker 1: 4:39

So once.

Speaker 2: 4:40

Mike and I divorced. I was granted sole physical custody of all our common children as well as we had like a joint legal custody, but the courts awarded me tiebreaker rights, so essentially the kids were in my home.

Speaker 1: 4:55

Okay.

Speaker 2: 5:00

So I took that, like I said, I took that role extremely seriously. That was the way I viewed it was the most important role in my life. So I looked at it, you know, for what it was in its barest form, and that was that these were little people completely dependent upon me to protect them, to guide them, to educate them, to be patient with them, to share my wisdom and things like that. So I knew that that was quite a responsibility to undertake and I had to take it, like I said, very seriously. And I did exactly that. I knew the only way to do that effectively, for me at least, was through love. That was always at the heart of all my parenting, all my actions, all my decisions.

Speaker 2: 5:41

And just to kind of clarify what I mean by love is I'm not even speaking about the emotion of love, okay. I'm actually speaking about the action of love, and I think that's. To me, love is things like respect, compassion, honesty, patience, and I I've parented through all of that kindness, humility. That was all of that was always at the center of my parenting, at the center of my relationships with them, and in fact I even crafted a mission statement for me that did touch a lot on my parenting and I actually constructed my parenting around the person that I wanted to be, so it's a natural fit.

Speaker 1: 6:22

OK, and I might ask you in just a moment to share. You know a little bit about that and what that was all about. But let me walk back just a little bit and ask you to walk us through the experience of going through a divorce and then transitioning into single parenthood. As a dad, as a man, you know, typically we kind of generally think of that role custodial you know kids with, as you know, the mother. So walk us through the experience of the divorce and then transitioning into single parenthood.

Speaker 2: 7:06

Yeah, for me that experience was very traumatic. It actually felt a lot like a death. It felt like I lost a loved one, and I don't mean in the sense of I've lost my wife through the marriage.

Speaker 2: 7:22

I mean, it actually felt like that. I lost a person that was very close to me. It was that kind of pain, that kind of sense of loss and I guess effectively it is it's still the death of the marriage. So that loss, it was a very real pain, a real feeling for me, and again, I didn't take it lightly. I mean, that was a union that we both, you know, vowed for God before family, before friends. That was to be for life, and then suddenly that was no longer to be the case. So my process was I had to treat it like that. I had to treat it like this is something to mourn. So I took time to mourn it and I think that mourning process is what allowed me to start ultimately healing and growing from it.

Speaker 2: 8:07

And that healing and that growth included a lot of self-reflection. It included a lot of personal accountability and it's kind of understanding my role and how things came to an end, because it's never a one-sided thing. I had to reflect on where I went wrong or opportunities where I could have been better.

Speaker 2: 8:25

And that was a big part of that transition, that healing and, ultimately, that growth for me, yeah. So that was really my process through that and through that as a dad, that was personally, but as a dad I knew that it was going to be a loss for them too. This is essentially. What they knew was that they had a dual parent household and they had that ripped away Suddenly. Home life isn't the same.

Speaker 2: 8:53

So it was important for me more than ever to start being a listening ear for them, understand what they were going through, to understand what their fears, their concerns were, because I knew that they had them. It had to be. It was no way to state that. So I knew the best way to kind of help manage them through it was to be a listening ear, to better understand them, to better understand you know how they felt and what their thoughts and things like that were, what their fears were. They had them and they did. They had real fears. So the best way for me to help manage through that, to help them heal from it, was just to gain understanding, and that was through a lot of listening, knowing that I had to continue to be their physical, emotional and psychological guide through all of that.

Speaker 1: 9:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that is so important. Tell us what were some of the biggest challenges you faced in raising your five children and how did you overcome, because that's kind of like a tall order, that's a lot you're saying. So what were?

Speaker 2: 9:57

some of the biggest challenges would be, I'd say, the fact that, raising five kids, you come to the realization that one thing that works well for one does not necessarily mean it's going to work for another. So you have to approach them with 100% sense of this is an individual relationship. They've all grown up in the same household. They've all had the same you know pretty much the same exposures in life, the same values, but they're still individual people and I have to relate to them with that sense of individualism. One other challenge was just the sheer, and a lot of people don't speak to this. At least I don't. I don't know if they do, maybe they're afraid to, and I think for a while.

Speaker 2: 10:37

I was afraid to Speaking to the sheer number of children. It is very taxing to try to outpour so much love, try to pour out so much attention, devotion, dedication to so many people who have needs, and I knew that I felt like I couldn't short any of them, so I had to find reserves to be available for them, and I still do do.

Speaker 2: 11:02

It's probably a little bit lesser as they've gotten older. Yeah, those that's. That was certainly a challenge, just to find a sense of energy and and, uh, I guess, a sense of perseverance through all of that.

Speaker 1: 11:14

Yeah, yeah yeah, that's such a heavy load and that's such a good segue into, actually, the next question I was going to ask you. So how, how did you prioritize, you know, what the children you know needed, and you talked about just a sheer number of five children. How, how did you prioritize, you know, their well-being along with taking care of yourself during this period and it's a lot going on? You talked about the pain and all sharing, you know, with the divorce. How did you prioritize what the children needed? You know their well-being, and you talked about even all the things that you know they were going through, Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 12:01

This is actually an area where I made a lot of mistakes. I made a lot of errors, and what I mean by that is I actually prioritized them above my own needs. Okay, and what I mean by that being a mistake? I think we've all heard that proverbial saying of you know, we'll hit right before flight.

Speaker 1: 12:21

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 12:22

In case of an emergency, it's important to apply your own oxygen mask before you apply to someone else. I did not follow that pattern. I actually tried to apply their masks. I wanted to make sure they were all right, and I did that sometimes at the expense of myself.

Speaker 2: 12:37

And I had unfortunately it's called this was one of the biggest tug of wars I've had as a dad, because my instinct always told me to be sacrificial to you, to find balance, and one of those things that I struggled prioritizing was finding that balance, and I actually struggled for a while until my mom sat down with me if I may share this and she knew exactly how to really kind of get set me back on course, because she reminds she knew how important fatherhood was for me and me that you are never allowing yourself to be the best father you can be unless you are also taking care of yourself, because if you're shorting yourself, you're already coming with less energy, less attention, less of everything, which means that you're going to be lesser of the best father you can be.

Speaker 2: 13:28

So that kind of shocked me back into that reality that I have to maintain that balance and it's not an easy thing. I have to be reminded of that. Almost my instinct, or my default, is to sacrifice for them. But I had to find a better balance and that was one of the that was one of my biggest challenges as far as prioritizing.

Speaker 1: 13:46

Right. So balance is so incredibly important and sharing that Were there other and your mom. That's such good advice there. Were there other support systems or other things that helped you during this time to find that balance between you know, your just self-care for yourself as well as for your children? There were I was actually.

Speaker 2: 14:17

I tried to be a student of fatherhood. What I mean by that is I wanted to read different perspectives from, maybe field experts or listen to different perspectives of other dads that I thought did excellent jobs, including my own. I follow my own dad as an example as well keep an open mind, to always have a listening ear, to always self-reflect and to always kind of I guess, kind of, for lack of a better way to put it to kind of grade my progress, grade my successes only internally, but I would even ask them I would sometimes say hey you know, is there something that you might find that?

Speaker 2: 14:58

is there something I do better? I can't remember exactly how I worded it, but I actually did sometimes go to them just to get their feedback on my parenting. Not that I was going to allow them to drive it, because I'm still the one who's supposed to be in charge, be the lead, but I still think, as a leader, it's important to reflect with the people you're leading. Okay, yeah, okay, all right, yeah.

Speaker 1: 15:22

Okay, all right, so that's so good. And so I want to now because I know something about you and I know I want to go ahead and turn a corner a little bit on you it's fascinating that you turned to something that was a form, and I want to find out, and I want you to tell me what you turned to and was it a form of, and why did you go in that direction? Was it a form of release or was it a form of, you know, just personal growth or personal passion? So you know what I'm talking about. Tell us about your hobby there. I guess maybe it's a hobby or what you turned to, or did you turn to that, or how did you get into?

Speaker 2: 16:17

I believe you're speaking about the acting.

Speaker 1: 16:20

Acting, acting, acting. Yeah, okay, I wanted that to come from you. So how did you get into acting?

Speaker 2: 16:27

I actually always had a little bit of a performer in me. I was very introverted, shy. I still liked to be a little silly, to kind of portray a different you know, a different side to perform. So that was a natural progression to say you know, if you'd like to do it, why not do it in a more structured environment?

Speaker 2: 16:51

Okay, in addition to that it was also a personal challenge because my introversion I actually have what I believe are social anxiety, so I was terrified at the thought of getting up in front of people performing wow. But also I'm one who firmly believes in facing your fears.

Speaker 1: 17:08

So what better way to face that?

Speaker 2: 17:10

fear than to act in the right stuff in that environment where you are performing in front of others okay that was a perfect fit to cover so many different bases, so many different personal challenges, that it just worked great, and I'm still looking to grow in that way too.

Speaker 1: 17:24

Okay, Okay. Are there specific roles or performances that you know that you've had that had a profound impact on you, or even on your personal journey as well?

Speaker 2: 17:38

I would say somewhat. There was a role I had recently. I did play a father whose son was in a hospital. He was going through some traumatic moments. So it did allow me to kind of draw upon my own experiences as a dad, especially with those moments where I had to emote my fears, emote my pain. So I absolutely kind of I can kind of say it's more ironically, though. A lot of people say they they take a lot from a role in the fight for their lives. But for me I think I did it the other way around, because it's so central to me I bought a lot of who I was to the role. Okay, I think, because I feel so firm in who I am, there wasn't terribly much that the role could bring to me.

Speaker 1: 18:24

Yeah, were there lessons, or has there been lessons that you have learned from? You know your experiences as an actor, as a divorced father, a single parent. What are some lessons that you've learned through these journeys that you would share with other men that's in your situation?

Speaker 2: 18:54

In my situation, I think it was probably not as much me learning lessons, but having those lessons reaffirmed and as a dad, even as a reaffirmed and as a dad, what some of the even as a person, even for my being a dad, as a person, I want to be a person who was principled. I want to be a man who was very character based. So things like commitment was very important to me. Okay, that's a professionalism being a willing listening, student, um sacrifice, being humble, forgiving. So as I developed that personally, I applied that towards my parenting and then I in turn applied it towards my acting.

Speaker 2: 19:28

And I thought that that sense of professionalism and commitment to the roles that I had was important, Because I'm still new in the arts. I wanted to be a willing student who's willing to sacrifice his time and his his leisures to get better as a performer.

Speaker 1: 19:46

Right, right, Is there special? Any advice? What advice would you have for men, for single parents?

Speaker 2: 20:08

I would start with men. I would start with the men as men first, before I even addressed them as parents. I would address them as individuals and that's to have a mastery of self. But I think everything starts with self.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Okay, it means that you want to become aware of who you are, to have a mastery of self.

Speaker 2: 20:23

But I think everything starts with self, okay. Okay, it means that you want to become aware of who you are, be able to articulate who you are, and I would always encourage people to do that through character development. That's important. So, those things that I've mentioned, like compassion, you know, understanding, patience, empathy, understanding, you know, humble, considerate, all those things that I think are good characteristics to have as an individual.

Speaker 2: 20:45

I'm going to apply as a parent, as a father. That just becomes natural in your role as a dad and I think all the best things that you become and all the best things you have to offer ought to be applied in that role.

Speaker 1: 20:58

That's the way.

Speaker 2: 20:58

I approach it. That's how I would advise people Okay that role.

Speaker 1: 21:03

That's the way I approach it. That's how I would advise people. Okay, so when you look at your journey, has your perspective changed on things like resilience, determination and you talk, you know a lot about character. Has your perspective changed on how important those things are? And, like you said, a man's life, particularly a father's life, you know anyone.

Speaker 2: 21:30

Yeah, there were some adjustments. I found, I think, my early exposure to my idea of what a father was and what a leader was leaning more towards an authoritarian.

Speaker 2: 21:42

Yeah, um meaning that because I had a strong father, he had the booming voice and he never. He was never physical, anything like that, he never physically disciplined me, but he always had an imposing presence. What I wanted to do was, as a father, have an element of that. But I wanted to develop more, I guess, of more of a reflective, more of a nurturing side in addition to that, to be more of a.

Speaker 2: 22:08

I guess as a complete person. I think one of the things I did learn is that, leading from an author I'm struggling with this word here an authoritarian stance wasn't necessarily always the best way to live. That's one of the things I learned.

Speaker 1: 22:25

When you look at them where they are today, do you think they have kind of internalized the aspect of you that you were trying to project or portray?

Speaker 2: 22:42

I think so. It's still, I would say, a work in progress, but I think there are a lot of things that they were able to adopt as their own. Like I said, character-based, being focused on knowing self. Long before you look to, you know, develop relationships. Before you look to master you know, I would say communing with other people, you ought to be mastering yourself.

Speaker 2: 23:10

Have a sense of self-awareness, self-understanding and then everything else kind of springs forward from that right, right, I think it's empowering to do it that way and I think I've seen them become empowered. It's like I said, it's still a growth for them. They're doing it within the realm of who they are as their own individuals.

Speaker 1: 23:29

Right.

Speaker 2: 23:32

But, yeah, it's, I love it Are there particular things you do to encourage them to pursue their own you know, kind of pursue their own journey. Yeah, One of the things I always did was I think it's important to express to children not to be a slave to expectations of others. Like a lot of cases, we'll hear kids who are geared towards becoming doctors and lawyers excellent professions.

Speaker 1: 24:00

Yes.

Speaker 2: 24:01

But if it's not your passion, if it's not what you're, if that's not your journey, right, it's perfectly, not just reasonable, but it's, it's a best practice to find what your journey is. Okay, I'll always encourage that, whatever. Whatever it may be, and that doesn't even mean just professionally, it could be in terms of your leisure time.

Speaker 1: 24:27

It could be in terms of your leisure time, it could be in terms of you know anything, not just professionally, though, but but certainly professionally as well, okay, okay. So, as you look towards the future, uh, what are your uh aspirations for yourself, for your family, for your? What do you consider acting? Do you consider like a hobby or just uh how? How do you see acting? Do you consider it like a hobby or just how do you see that?

Speaker 2: 24:44

That's a good question, it is. I don't think I'm good enough yet to call myself an actor, even though others may, but I would say I'm a student of acting. Okay, I would say right now, it is a hobby and it is a subject of study. I am a student, okay, but I'm also a humble one, okay. There's a lot to learn.

Speaker 1: 25:05

So before I am comfortable calling myself an actor, I'd like to become stronger.

Speaker 2: 25:10

Okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 25:12

Okay, so, as we kind of turn maybe, another corner in terms of, you know, wrapping this up, because it just has been such a really rich conversation and I'm so excited with the advice, what we want to do is just be able to share with fathers who might be experiencing, you know, some of the same issues that we're talking about. Is there additional advice that you would like to share with dads?

Speaker 2: 25:50

Again, I would always go back to my center, which is just being a principled man Okay, deeply loving your family, and that's what I would hope for other men To be principled, but also to be very, very, very self-aware, self-assured, because that builds a strong foundation of confidence and from that, I think, once you have a strong foundation, that's unshakable. Everything else becomes so much easier and and your words are more powerful, your actions are better seen and I think you're effective. This is just much more, much more present, much more power okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 26:32

So what is the most important thing that people should know about you?

Speaker 2: 26:40

I would say the most important thing would be that I try to be a man who appreciates relationships with people. I think that community is a huge thing for me, and I mean through fatherhood, through you, you know, being a son, me, being a brother, a friend, a partner, even just as a general fellow citizen that's, that's one of the things that really drives me and I kind of want my legacy to be built around that. Ultimately, I think that, as much as we try to shape our legacy, the people who tell your story are going to be the people who will laugh once we're gone. So one of the things I've tried to do and this isn't my idea, I actually borrowed this from an author is to imagine myself. I actually went through this too. I imagine myself at my funeral, once I've passed.

Speaker 2: 27:30

What are the things you want people to say about you? I mean, what do you want your kids to say? What do you want your mom to say? If you, your sister, your friends, your co-workers, what do you want them to say? The things you want them to say are the. That's the person you ought to be. So that's the person I try to be, the things that I want them to say about me the thing that the legacy that I want to leave has to be the life I live right now okay, that's good.

Speaker 1: 27:53

So you answered my well. My next to the last question, which was what would you like for your legacy to be?

Speaker 2: 28:03

Yes.

Speaker 1: 28:04

Okay, and so anything to add to that other than what you've said there?

Speaker 2: 28:10

Again, principle-centered character man who has a sense of love, compassion, who loves to encourage people too. That's a big thing for me. I do love to encourage people, okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 28:24

So my last question is, though why did you want to tell your story, why would you share your story, and who do you think it would impact, or who would you like for it to impact?

Speaker 2: 28:38

One of the reasons I wanted to share my story is because I knew it would be difficult. This is not an easy thing for me to speak to you in this way. Again because of my social anxiety. So I struggle. I don't know if it's coming through, but I struggle with this. But I am always happy to share with others, because that's that community, that's that sense of community with with others. Um, also, I'm a huge fan of yours. I was always wanting to be on your platform. I've seen.

Speaker 2: 29:05

I've seen your platform before and I was like I would love to do Um so, so that was a big part too, but ultimately I did. I think I have a good blueprint I've followed, Not my own, but a good blueprint I've followed and I would encourage other men to follow that blueprint. I think men are ultimately our leaders of home, of community, and I'd like to see us grow stronger in that leadership. And that strength, again, is not an authoritarian strength, but it's the strength of those characteristics that I spoke about and the strength of being a principled man uh, and that uh is so important and it does come through.

Speaker 1: 29:49

Your strength, uh, and your uh, your strength of purpose and your strength of character, and that soft, the soft spokenness with such strength, does come through. And that's why I wanted you to share your story, because I do believe that it will have an impact on so many men that will hear this and take the time to listen to that it doesn't, and which, uh, really epitomizes what abundant living every day is all about. It's not about it has to be the most flashiest thing, it's just the basic, just the basic character of being who you are, you know, standing for truth and honesty and love. That you brought out so poignantly there in your story there, and just to be able to share that that. You know we survive, so we go through so many things and life dishes out so much, you know, so many different things, so much pain here and in our lives and in our children's lives, but it doesn't. We can overcome those kinds of things and so, again, I I appreciate your sharing your story and I'm, I'm so excited, uh, this month in June, as we share with dads that you know it's all about.

Speaker 1: 31:27

You might be unrecognized, you know on the big platform, but where it really matters, and your family and with those you know, your loved ones. Um, it, that's where it really matters, and your family and with those you know, your loved ones, that's where it really counts and that's where it really matters. And I'm just so pleased and I thank God to be able to have this platform to just share. Like I said, abundant Living Everyday Legacy Series is about sharing the stories of regular people, but God has done some extraordinary things in their lives. So, vernon Smith, any last words? Yes, again.

Speaker 2: 32:09

I want to thank you tremendously for the opportunity. I am a big fan of yours and I have great respect for you, and it was really an honor to be here and share this moment.

Speaker 1: 32:22

thank you you're welcome and I my thanks to you and, well, everyone. There you have the amazing, powerful story of vernon sm, unrecognized super dad, sharing his story for our Abundant Living Every Day June Father, super Dad series. So thank you, vernon again. Thank you so much. I really appreciate, love you and thank you so much, and everyone, thank you for allowing me to share this story with you on Abundant Living Everyday Legacy Series. But we're sharing stories of ordinary men and women whom God has done some extraordinary things in our lives, and we're telling our story on Abundant Living Everyday, each and every day. So, everyone, as the curtain falls on our story for this time, until the next fascinating legacy story, remember there's a story in each and every one of us just waiting to be shared and I hope you'll share it on Abundant Living Every Day Legacy Series. Thank you so much. Thank you again, vernon. Thank you so much everyone. Please, you can reach out to me on Abundant Living Everyday at gmailcom. Thank you so much. Goodbye, goodbye. Thank you.