How to Stop Feeling Like You Need to “Fix Yourself": Chasing Normal

Do you always feel like you need to fix yourself? Do you feel like there is something wrong with you, and if you just keep working on yourself, then you will finally feel "normal" and be able to accept yourself?

The feeling that we need to fix ourselves is often a response to trauma and something we developed as a way to stay safe. In response to the painful things we were experiencing, we began to believe that if we could find something about ourselves to "fix," we could then prevent the abuse or pain. The challenge is that this feeling that we need to fix ourselves got wired into our systems, and now we struggle to let go of it. 

In this episode, I share how you can finally get FREE from the feeling that you need to fix yourself.

As you listen to this episode, you will discover:

1. Why you always feel like you need to fix yourself.
2. Trauma and its impact on feeling like there is something wrong with us that needs to be fixed.
3. Why trying to fix yourself for others never works.
4. Why trying to fix yourself is an illusion.
5. How to let go of trying to fix yourself.
6. How to see the beautiful person you are right now.
7. A simple mindfulness exercise to let go of the belief you need to be fixed.

I hope this episode helps you in your healing journey and opens your eyes to see how you have never been a problem that needs to be fixed.

I am grateful you are here,
Jerry

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Transcript

Jerry Henderson: 0:00

And that core belief that there's something wrong with you will then cause you to always chase and look for something to fix about yourself, because you have this false belief that if I could just fix enough things about myself, I'll feel normal. And that sense of feeling normal will get rid of that feeling that there's something wrong with me. It doesn't happen. Okay, there is no place that you're going to arrive to. Hello friends, it's Jerry, and welcome to the Permission to Love podcast, a podcast that's dedicated to helping people understand how to heal their relationship with themselves, because when we heal our relationship with ourselves, everything in our life changes how we feel about ourselves changes, the relationships that we have changes and what we manifest in our life totally changes. You can live a life where you're at peace with yourself, you have healthy relationships in your life and that you're manifesting the things that you so deeply deserve and desire for your life. So I'm glad you're here and I hope you enjoy today's episode. Today's episode is a continuation around the theme or the topic Chasing Normal, the sense that there's something wrong with us, that we constantly need to fix ourselves, and how do we come to a place of self-acceptance. And today we're going to talk about that nagging feeling that you need to fix yourself. There's this constant pursuit of fixing something about yourself that you never are able to rest, and I want to start this episode with a little exercise, a little mindfulness activity. To start this episode with a little exercise, a little mindfulness activity. So I want you to just take a deep breath, whether you're driving or at home, and if you're in a place where you can close your eyes, go ahead and do that, but take a deep breath in, let it out. Take another deep breath in, let it out, begin to become present, draw your attention to your body in this present moment. I want you to ask yourself this question who would you be without the feeling that you needed to fix yourself? How would you feel about yourself if you were able to let go of the belief that there was something wrong with you and you needed to fix yourself? Would you be more at peace with yourself, more able to relax into the present moment? Just sit with what comes up in this moment about that question. So I want to take a moment and I want to encourage you that you can come to a place of complete self-acceptance. You can let go of an unhealthy sense that there's something wrong with you that you need to fix yourself, that you're a problem that needs to be fixed. Now you might be asking the question that if I don't feel like I need to fix something about myself, how do I ever improve myself? How do I get better? Well, we'll talk about that in the next episode how we balance self-acceptance with self-improvement but for today's episode, we just really want to focus in on that sense that there's something that you need to fix about yourself and talk about how we actually get addicted to that feeling or that belief that we need to fix something about ourselves and that belief drives everything that we do in our life.

Jerry Henderson: 3:35

We're in a constant pursuit of trying to find something that makes us feel normal. We're once again chasing what normal is, and here's the challenge there really isn't a definition of normal. If you were to ask somebody what their definition of normal is, you're going to get a whole host of answers. It's going to be based on their culture, their upbringing, their experiences, the things that they've been exposed to. So really there is no normal, and so we're all chasing this sense of what it would feel like to be normal without some sense of baseline, right, and so we keep trying to fix ourselves to get to a place of what normal looks like and I'd say more accurately, what normal feels like. And for most of us, we don't know what normal feels like, and no matter how far we go or how many steps we go up the ladder, it never feels okay. Right, because we don't feel okay, and a lot of that is because we're pursuing or chasing somebody else's definition of normal, somebody else's definition of what it means to be healthy and whole.

Jerry Henderson: 4:44

But I want to release you from that thought early on in this episode. I want to release you from the thought that there is some place called normal, that there's some place that you need to go or some things that you need to do to get there, that if you could only fix these things about yourself, you'd be normal. Now you might have things that are challenging in your life, that you don't like about how your current life circumstances are, but your current life circumstances are different than you. Okay, you're not your life circumstances. You might have a challenge or a problem with anger, but that's not you, and you might use the words well, I'm an angry person or I'm a person who's always mad. No, you experience anger, you experience frustration, you experience things, and you do and demonstrate those feelings or those behaviors. But that's not you. There is a you, there is a self that I want you to continue to be aware of and focus on in this podcast episode and that you doesn't need any fixing, that you has always been there, authentically love, pure and light. That has got layered onto it, like we talked about in the last episode. Layered onto it core beliefs, and that core belief that there's something wrong with you will then cause you to always chase and look for something to fix about yourself, because you have this false belief that if I could just fix enough things about myself, I'll feel normal, and that sense of feeling normal will get rid of that feeling that there's something wrong with me. It doesn't happen, okay, there is no place that you're going to arrive to, because the same you that's here judging you, finding fault, is going to be there with you in the future, and that's why all of these episodes go together and the next one will make so much more sense about self-acceptance and how we practice that and balance out self-improvement.

Jerry Henderson: 6:45

I want to take a quick moment and talk about my book Returning. It's a collection of meditations and reflections on self-love and healing. I designed this book to help you on your journey of moving from shame to self-love. It's divided in three sections. The first section is about seeing, seeing that you're not alone. The second section is about understanding that healing is possible. And the third section is designed to remind you and to show you that loving yourself is the path back to yourself. I've heard from a lot of people that they're using it as a daily reflection guide, where each day they're selecting a passage, reading it, meditating on it, journaling on it, and it's really helping them in their healing journey and helping them understand that they are worthy of love, that they can heal, that they're not alone, and I know it can do the same for you. So if you haven't picked up a copy yet, please take a moment to do that, and if you have picked up a copy already, it would mean a lot to me if you'd take a moment and review the book, because the more positive reviews the book gets, the more likely people are going to become aware of it and benefit from the work. So thank you, thank you for picking it up, thank you for reviewing it and thank you for passing it along. Maybe when you're done with it, you can pass it along to somebody else or pick up a copy for somebody else that you know could benefit from the work. You can get it on Amazon or you can simply see the show notes in this episode to get your copy.

Jerry Henderson: 8:09

So where does that feeling come from that I need to fix myself. Well, let's review a little bit right. We've had these experiences in our life. They send us the message that there's something wrong with us, and so that feeling that there's something wrong with us gave us a sense of control, that we can at least look at our lives. And how do I change what's going on with me that could help me stay safe? That maybe if I didn't do this behavior then I would be okay and I wouldn't experience the abuse or the trauma or other reactions of others in the way that they're responding to me. And it must be something about me. And if there is something about me, I can change that and that will help keep me safe. So it's a safety mechanism.

Jerry Henderson: 8:46

But then what happens is that safety mechanism that we've been using has caused us to get addicted to trying to find things about ourselves to fix. We're constantly looking for it and so, no matter how far we go, the bar always gets raised. We keep raising the bar on ourselves and we're scanning our environment, we're scanning ourselves, and it becomes exhausting, right, because we're constantly looking for something to fix and we keep pursuing things that maybe this opportunity will fix me, maybe this course or this relationship or this activity will fix me and make me feel better about myself. You're not going to feel better about yourself until you decide to feel better about yourself. And you may be thinking what does that mean? Well, we'll get into that some of the next episode, but it becomes a radical self-acceptance of no matter where you're at. You can be okay with where you're at and be free from that nagging feeling of I need to keep pursuing something to fix about myself. And what that feeling does is it really begins to exhaust us.

Jerry Henderson: 9:48

We never feel like we can relax. Let me give you an example. You know, for years I couldn't sit. Still, I couldn't sit on the couch. I couldn't relax. I always had to be doing something. I felt like I was wasting time when I relaxed. If I were to read a book that wasn't about self-development, it was just for enjoyment. It was a waste. I relaxed If I were to read a book. That wasn't about self-development, it was just for enjoyment. It was a waste of time If I was just sitting there watching TV. I felt like I was doing something wrong, that I needed to be productive. And it really wasn't about being productive. It was about the sense that I wasn't comfortable with myself as I was. And then maybe, if I were to do things that would actually help me progress, which would then fix me, I felt like I needed to be fixed. And that subconscious belief may not have been articulated that way at the moment, but the fact that I always needed to do some activity for self-improvement, I couldn't just be, I couldn't just relax, because in being and relaxing it would bring up the feelings that there's something wrong with me that I need to fix, and so that cycle just kept on going. And what will happen if we don't get our hands around this? We will lead ourselves to burnout, we will lead ourselves to exhaustion. Because there's a really important thing to remember All of that that you're after is a feeling.

Jerry Henderson: 11:07

You're trying to get a feeling and you think that all of that stuff is one either going to fix you, or that you're going to be fixed and you're going to get all of that stuff. Well, the stuff that you're wanting is a feeling. You're hoping that if all of that happens, it will verify to you that you're okay. You're looking for all of that to give you the evidence that you're okay, so that you can then accept yourself, that you can then believe that you're okay and you can stop your relentless pursuit of trying to fix yourself. What you're after is the feeling that you're okay, that there's nothing wrong with you, that you're lovable and you're acceptable. Now here's why that's important because you can give that feeling to yourself. All of the things that you're pursuing to hope that that will send the message that you're fixed, that you're okay. You're trying to arrive to a place in your head, into some destination, where you have that feeling.

Jerry Henderson: 12:16

But here's the elusive thing about that it is you that is giving yourself that feeling. It's not all of those things. It's not all of those things that are out there the degree, the money, the person, the success, the whatever. All of that isn't giving anything to you. It's not like those things are actually coming inside of you and inserting happiness in here. None of that stuff is actually getting inside of your being and saying, oh, now we're okay because that is existing inside of me.

Jerry Henderson: 12:46

And what's happening is you're interpreting those things as evidence that you can now be acceptable and you can accept yourself. You're the one doing it, you're the one giving yourself those feelings. Nobody else is in there flipping switches, nobody else is there pushing buttons and we say things like well, people push my buttons. Actually, what we do is we push our button based off of their behavior. We're always the ones who are in control of what's happening in here. So the thought that someday I'm going to get to a place where I can accept myself never comes. It has to happen now. I have to choose in this moment that I am acceptable, that I am lovable, that there's nothing wrong with me and I don't have to pursue the fixing of myself. I don't have to keep chasing normal, because it is in this moment that I choose to feel normal. I choose to let go of the belief that there's something wrong with me. I choose to stop looking for things about myself to fix.

Jerry Henderson: 13:55

So how do we start to deal with and let go of this feeling that we need to fix ourselves. Well, first understand that you might have become addicted to it, right? That, no matter how much you do, you're going to keep chasing it so for you to even relax, all of a sudden sets off alarm bells. You do, you're going to keep chasing it, so for you to even relax, all of a sudden sets off alarm bells for you. We're going to talk about that a little bit more here in just a second. But just realize that because this belief kept you safe, that there was something wrong with you, and now you feel like you need to fix yourself. It's really become ingrained in your system. You're wired to look for it. You're wired to look for what's wrong with you and then try to put mechanisms in place to fix yourself, and then that leads you into a space of a lot of self-judgment, and all of this is releasing chemicals in our body that we're normal to, because shame has become home for us and all of those things, right.

Jerry Henderson: 14:41

And so let's remember that it's not about trying to fix you as a person, because you as a person who you are is good, doesn't need fixing. Behaviors need to be improved, lifestyle might need to change, but you don't need to be fixed, and so that's a really key distinction to draw on this, and that's that second point of how do we begin to heal from. This is making the separation between you as an authentic person. You're not trying to fix you, you're trying to adjust behaviors. You're trying to change behaviors and what's going on in your life? It's very different, because until we let go of the core belief that it's you that needs to be fixed, you're going to keep chasing this. You're going to keep staying on that treadmill of fixing yourself.

Jerry Henderson: 15:29

Well, and you might be saying, well, people have told me that there's something wrong with me. People have told me that I need to fix these things. And you know, xyz person has pointed out these things. Well, let me just say this so what? Who are they to tell you what you need to fix in your life? That's a personal choice that you can choose to make. Why do they get to live rent-free in your head? Why does their voice continue to be there about why there's something wrong with you or what you need to fix about yourself? Why does that message or that voice continue to come up to you about what you need to fix about yourself?

Jerry Henderson: 16:04

I'm sure a lot of it has come from childhood childhood trauma, things that parents said, behaviors that were pointed out, things that were judged about us or relationships that we were in. That people tried to make you play small, that people tried to get you to stop shining your light so brightly. They did all of this stuff to try to squash you as who you are and they say that these are these things that you need to work on. So what? Who are they? Why do they get to dictate what you get to work on about yourself? Listen, we do absolutely want input from other people. We don't want to ignore consistent messages in our life about things that we might want to work on okay, but we don't want that to dictate our life. We still have the choice to say I want to work on this, I don't want to work on that.

Jerry Henderson: 16:50

And just because some person in your life once upon a time said that this was something that was wrong with you, and you've been obsessing about that and you've been feeling like you need to fix that or change that about yourself, I want you to actually take some honest reflection about that. Is that something that you want to change about that? Is that something that you want to change? Is that a behavior that you want to let go of? Do you want to be different in that area than who you currently are? Is that part of you, an authentic part of you? And maybe it's a part of you that occasionally comes out in unhealthy ways, but you still want it and you just want to learn how to let it come out in ways that feel better to you. But you still love that part of you and that's okay. So it's important to remember the source of it. Is the source you that this is something that you've said that you want to work on in your life or is it the voice of somebody else? If it's the voice of somebody else and you don't want to change that, let go of it. If it's something that you've chosen, that you want to fix about a behavior or something that's showing up in your life, then by all means you have the total freedom to do that.

Jerry Henderson: 17:50

But when we get into the strange energy of trying to change ourselves or fix ourselves because of someone else, we're actually getting into self-betrayal. We're betraying what we really want and love about ourselves so that we can be more acceptable to others. Let me just say that is more worthy of us examining than the behavior. Examining the desire that we have to betray parts of ourselves so that others will accept us is a great place for us to start in healing and in transforming and understanding. That part alone will allow you to let go of a lot of things that you think you need to be fixing, a lot of things that you've been trying to fix about yourself. You might be holding on to things from religious institutions or conservative things that somebody told you was wrong, or you shouldn't show up like that, or this is what a good wife does, this is what a good husband is, or all of those things. Let me just tell you something you are fully empowered to decide how you want to live your life and you can connect to that authentic self that will tell you, that will speak to you about the path that you're supposed to walk.

Jerry Henderson: 18:54

We're often too busy living somebody else's expectations for us, too busy living somebody else's life or the version of what we think is some healthy person out there. We never know what's going on underneath the surface of what somebody says their life is like or what normal is. Listen, you know internally what's good for you, what's healthy for you, and a lot of healing is letting go of all of the things that we think we're supposed to be like and really connecting with who we want to be. So remember the source. Is it from somebody else or is it really genuinely coming from you?

Jerry Henderson: 19:33

Now, the final thing I want to do in learning to let go of the belief or the feeling that we need to fix ourselves is a little exercise, and I like to do these exercises because I believe it can take some of the things that I'm talking about into something practical, and you can take away something from the podcast episode other than a theory. And so here's what I would like for you to consider doing. I'd like for you, just for a moment, to give up. To give up not on you, but to let go of trying to fix yourself. Take a moment right now, sit with yourself yourself. Take a moment right now, sit with yourself and have the feeling of what would it feel like to let go of trying to fix yourself, to give up on that project. I want to be clear I'm not asking you to give up on yourself. I'm not asking you to give up on growth. I'm not asking you to give up on improvement. I'm asking you to let go of feeling like you are a problem that needs to be fixed, to give up on the pursuit of fixing you.

Jerry Henderson: 20:39

Now let me ask you this question how does that feel to you? How does that feel in your system? Do you have a sense of panic? Are you scared? Does it feel irresponsible? Okay, what are the feelings that come up? Because those feelings are going to reveal some things to you. If you're feeling like it would be irresponsible, you might be confusing self-development versus self-acceptance and that you feel like they're one in the same, that I can't accept myself if I don't improve myself. Well, that's not true, and actually working from a place of self-acceptance will accelerate self-development. And that's for the next episode. But what does it feel like? Does it feel scary? If it's scary, it might be because you feel like, once again, that if you don't fix yourself, you're going to continue to experience pain in your life, that fixing yourself is a way to keep you safe. So letting go of it feels scary and it feels like you're letting go of control. And identifying those feelings will really help you understand what's the driver behind it. What's the driver of that motivation. Why can't you relax? Why can't you accept yourself, you'll get to some really core motivations behind why you feel like you need to fix yourself.

Jerry Henderson: 21:54

Now the next thing I'd like you to consider is select one area of your life that you feel like you need to fix. It can be really small, just a real small thing that you feel like is something about fix. It can be really small, just a real small thing that you feel like is something about you that needs to be fixed. And I want you to imagine what it would feel like letting go of trying to fix that about yourself. I'm not asking you to let go of it. I'm not asking you to not fix it. I'm just asking you what would it feel like? What would it be like if you let go of trying to fix that? I mean, what would happen? What would be the consequences of that? And just imagine not fixing that thing. And once again, I'm not saying that you have to give up on fixing that. I'm just asking you to reflect on what would happen if you did stop trying to work on that and if you can come to the place where you feel like you know nothing terrible would happen.

Jerry Henderson: 22:45

I'd ask you to consider giving up on working on that thing for a while Not forever, maybe just a season, maybe for a few months, maybe six months or however long you choose that you would say I'm going to not work on that. I'm going to decide to put that aside and accept that part of my story, that part of myself, and accept that situation and be okay with it. Because what that will do is it will help train you to start letting go of things right, to allow your hands to open, to not feel like that. The world's going to fall apart if you don't fix everything about yourself. So is there one thing that you can surrender, to say I'm not going to try to fix that about myself anymore? And then, if a lot of emotions come up as to why you can surrender to say I'm not going to try to fix that about myself anymore?

Jerry Henderson: 23:25

And then, if a lot of emotions come up as to why you can't do that, journal them out, write about them, begin to understand the source of it and understand that you're still going to be safe, you're still going to be okay if that one thing about you doesn't get fixed. And it might be that as you begin to let go of that thing, you'll find other things that you've been trying to fix about yourself that you don't need to, that maybe aren't that important. Then, all of a sudden, you're going to find that, even though I didn't fix those things about myself, I'm still okay, life's okay, Life is still safe. You'll begin to rewire your nervous system to begin to believe that it's okay that you're still safe if you don't fix those things about yourself, and then you'll start to see that it's really never been about those things that you've been trying to fix. It's ultimately been about yourself and your ability to accept yourself. So give that exercise a try. I'd love to hear from you how it's going for you, what you're experiencing as you're trying that exercise.

Jerry Henderson: 24:24

And before we close, I want to remind you, if you haven't had a chance yet, pick up your free self-assessment.

Jerry Henderson: 24:28

It's a self-assessment about your relationship with yourself in the five key areas of what makes up a healthy self-relationship, designed to be a 30-day self-reflection guide that'll help you.

Jerry Henderson: 24:40

After 30 days, if you really dig into it and do the work, it'll help you come to a place of a more healthy relationship with yourself. So the link is in the show notes of this episode or you can go to my website at jerryhendersonorg, and I also want to remind you, if you've not yet had a chance to subscribe or to follow this podcast, please take a moment to do that, and also it would mean a lot to me if you'd take a moment to review it and to rate it, because that's going to continue to help the reach of this podcast and get it to people who need to hear how they can heal their relationship with themselves and to stop feeling like they need to fix themselves and move into a place of self-acceptance. Well, thank you for joining another episode of the Permission to Love podcast. I'm so grateful that you're here and I want to remind you as always, you are worthy of your own love.