Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of the Permission to Love podcast. I'm your host, jerry Henderson, and I'm so grateful that you're here. Today. We're going to be talking about happiness, or the pursuit of happiness, or, even more specifically, what actually has an impact on our happiness. What can we do to increase our levels of happiness?
Jerry Henderson:
Now, happiness is one of the greatest pursuits of humanity. I mean, so much of our efforts in our lives are focused in on and built around the concept of trying to be a happier person and how to have a happier life. Now, a lot of recent polls and studies have actually revealed that we're not actually getting happier. They're actually struggling with happiness. Depression is on the rise. Anxiety is on the rise. Struggling with happiness. Depression is on the rise. Anxiety is on the rise. A lack of meaning is on the rise. All of those things are contributing to a decline in our overall happiness. Now we live in a time unlike any other time. We have constant access to information. We have a pursuit of happiness that's higher than ever before. We have more information, more focus on what makes people happy. We have access to more resources than we've had before, but at the same time, our overall happiness is on the decline. So it begs the question are we focusing on the wrong things? Are we placing our focus on all of these things that we think are going to make us happy, only to find out that they're not? I believe that we are. We're all of these things that we think are going to make us happy, only to find out that they're not? I believe that we are. We're going to talk about that today, in this episode.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, before I go any further, I do want to talk about the impact of trauma and or painful life experiences on our ability or our pursuit of happiness. Now, a lot of the work that I do is working with people who've experienced trauma or other painful life experiences and the mindset and the limiting belief that was developed as a result of those experiences. And this topic of happiness comes up all the time, and it's often framed like this I just want to be happy, I want to be happy, but I feel like I'm broken and there's something wrong with me and that I don't deserve happiness. And they often feel like their entire life has been an elusive pursuit of happiness and that that happiness has been robbed from them because of the events that they've experienced in their life. Now let's just take a quick review of trauma or pain and the cycle that begins to happen. So we have an experience and we assign meaning to that experience, and the meaning that we assign to that experience begins to develop a set of beliefs. We develop a set of beliefs about people, about life and, most importantly, about ourselves. Now that belief system will become our set of core beliefs and a lot of times those core beliefs become limiting beliefs and those limiting beliefs are running in the background and we begin to make decisions or we take actions based off of those beliefs or that programming. And when those actions are aligned with those limiting beliefs, it often manifests in the form of self-sabotaging, choosing toxic relationships or other harmful or painful experiences that keep the cycle going.
Jerry Henderson:
Now the other thing that those core beliefs or limiting beliefs do to us is they give us a lens of looking for things that confirm that belief. We engage in what is called confirmation bias. We are looking for the things that confirm our bias towards ourself or our belief towards ourself. So we're constantly looking for things that support the narrative, for example, that there's something wrong with me, and so when good things come up, I filter those out. I don't see those, and so I'm not allowing myself to experience the happiness that goes with those events where, if I had a different belief system and I had a different bias, I would see those events in my life as something positive, something to be happy about. But if I'm operating in a limiting belief of confirmation bias that says there's something wrong with me. When a good thing shows up, my narrative becomes I don't deserve it, or they're just saying that, or this is going to be here for a few moments, and when is it going to go away, or when is the actual shoe going to drop. So all of that narrative begins to rob us of our happiness. So it does become somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now I do want to acknowledge that, as a part of those traumatic and painful life experiences, that stuff gets stored in our nervous system, it gets stored in our subconscious. So just saying that we simply need to change our mindset or look at things in a different way, it's not always that simple. There's some work that has to be done to get there, but we can get there. That's the great news.
Jerry Henderson:
Now the other thing that happens is that we make an association with an external event, the trauma or the pain that was the result of robbing us from our happiness or from a life that we want, and, because of our association, that something external caused that or took that from us. We then begin to look for things externally to bring us happiness, to fix what happened. So our viewpoint or our wiring becomes it's something out there that's going to fix me, because it was something out there that's going to fix me, because it was something out there that broke me. Now it's important to understand and I talk about this a lot that trauma is not what happened to you, it's what happened in you. It's all that we just described right, the meaning that became the belief that began, the message that became the lived out narrative. It's that decision, the thing that happened internally. It's the storing of that trauma in our body, in our nervous system. So it's all this internal stuff that has happened as a result of the trauma or the pain.
Jerry Henderson:
And so we spend 90% of our lives and 90% of our efforts looking for external things to fix what got broken internally. So we chase success, we chase relationships, often winding up in toxic ones, and then we get even more disappointed, more frustrated, because those things aren't fixing us. And because those things aren't fixing us like we thought they would, we reinforce the message well, there must be something wrong with me that those things aren't fixing us like we thought they would, we reinforce the message well, there must be something wrong with me that those things aren't fixing me. I'm unfixable, I am fundamentally flawed and broken, and so that search externally is simply reinforcing that narrative that you carry internally. And that is actually some of the best news that you'll hear, because if it's not external and it is actually internal, then I can do work. And it gives me agency, it gives me empowerment to know I can do work internally, which will then change my life, which can then reframe the way I look at things, which can then allow me to experience happiness and it not be such an elusive thing for me. And we're going to talk about how we go about doing some of that later on in this episode.
Jerry Henderson:
Now let's dive into some of the research around happiness what causes us to be happy, and the evidence for this research comes from a lot of sources and a lot of places. Because there's been a ton of research on happiness, I'm going to be focusing on just a few things. One around the research that comes from the Minnesota Twins Study and not the baseball team, but studying identical twins and the relationship of happiness as an identical twin. There's also a lot of evidence from a long-term study that Harvard University has been doing for over 80 years, taking a look at almost 2,000 individuals and the findings of what makes a good life or what contributes to overall happiness and well-being. We'll also be taking some time looking at the research and the work done by Sonja Lubomirsky around her how of Happiness book and her findings around the 40% of what makes up our happiness that is actually within our control.
Jerry Henderson:
So what makes up our overall happiness? Well, according to the research, it's in three primary areas. So as they look at it, they determine that there is a set point that we're born with. It is our overall happiness set point. Think of it as our equilibrium or our waterline that we have of happiness. That might sound like really bad news, especially for people who feel like they have a lower set point. It probably sounds like good news for people who feel like I have an overall disposition of happiness. That's what it's actually referring to. So it is really looking at the impact of our genes and our biology on our happiness. We're going to see here in just a little bit that even though that is a set point, it doesn't mean that we can't do other things that impact that set point. We'll talk about that in just a second.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, the other thing that makes up our overall happiness is our circumstances. But surprisingly, our circumstances only determine or contribute to 10% of our overall happiness, and circumstances are referring to things like our income level, our job, home that we live in or overall environment. Now, that might have surprised you that it's only 10%. And I kind of refer to this as the 10% dilemma, because if you ask most people what would make them happier, they're going to make a list of external things and in polling, over 70% of people will start to describe external variables that they think is going to be the key to making them happy. For example, if I just made more money, or if I just had that house, or I was just in this relationship, or I just got that job, then I would be happier. So let me ask you a question what is it that you think is going to make you happier? What do you think is going to contribute to your happiness? You might be answering that question in a very similar way Now.
Jerry Henderson:
You also might be referring to past situations that if this event didn't happen, if it wasn't for that thing or that trauma or that pain or that relationship in the past, I would be able to be happy. I would be happier if that hadn't happened. Now, while it is true that those events can contribute to our overall lack of happiness and that there is a narrative that begins to get played out as a result of that event, it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way. See, the challenge is, if we've put all of the power in a past event, we can't go back and change the event, and that's why I keep driving at home over and over that trauma is not what happened to you but what happened in you, because if trauma is what happened to you, you can never change what happened in the past. But what you can change is what you're carrying internally as a result of that trauma. So, as long as our narrative is, we would be happy if that hadn't happened.
Jerry Henderson:
We are contributing and giving all of the power for our happiness in circumstances, in things external outside of us that happen to us or are happening to us. Now you might be thinking well, when I do get certain things, I'm happier. Well, all the research shows that, yes, we do get happier when we accomplish a goal, or we get that job or we get that raise, but what happens is that we return to our set point about three to six months after that event. So that event will happen and, yes, our happiness goes up, but it'll come back down. And that's one of the really challenging things of putting all of our emphasis on circumstances to make us happy, because we go through that little roller coaster we get it, happiness rises, it comes back down to our set point and then, if we're not careful, we can really begin to get into some real states of disappointment, which can lead to depression and hopelessness, because we think that, well, nothing's ever going to make me happy. The things that I thought were going to make me happy I got, but it didn't last, and so that can become very, very disheartening and it can lead to some real states of sadness and depression.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, the other thing that happens when we put all of our emphasis on external things is we can actually get addicted to chasing those things, because when we have that moment where we got the thing that we wanted and it spiked our happiness level, and then it went away. We start to build a narrative in our mind that that thing made me happy. So if I had more of that thing, maybe it would give me longer term happiness. I just don't have enough of it or I need more of it. So that's what happens, right when we get the house and it has the four bedrooms, and then all of a sudden we think, you know, it feels so good to be here in this new house. I love it. And then about three, six months, a year later, we start to notice, you know, I wish this house had X or I wish it had Y. And then we go get another house that has that. And then we think, wow, we got what we wanted. But six months later, a year later, we start to think, you know, I wish that it had a larger garage, because I've accumulated more things now and I need more space for that.
Jerry Henderson:
And then all of a sudden that happiness hit, it wears off and we've gotten into a cycle of chasing happiness through circumstances instead of living in a state of more abiding happiness. So what makes up the rest of our happiness, if 50% is biological or our genes, and 10% is our circumstances. What's that other 40%? Well, the other 40% and this is fantastic news is based off of behaviors or our activity. It is the daily things that we do that build practices that actually will sustain our happiness and will actually have the result of impacting the other 60%. So what are some of the things that make up that 40%? Well, it's things like mindful living, it's things like gratitude, it's positive social connections, it's activity or movement of the body. I mean, think about it. When you're depressed, the last thing you want to do is get out of bed and have movement. But if we have a practice or an activity of commitment to movement and physically moving our body, it'll actually begin to counteract depression. Recent research is really clear that physical activity or exercise can actually be as effective, if not more effective, than other treatments for depression and anxiety. Now let me be clear. I'm not saying in any way, shape or form that you need to stop whatever treatments that you're doing or whatever medications that you're on and simply replace that with movement or activity. You need to consult with your doctor, you need to consult with whoever you're working with before you take that action. But the evidence is clear that physical activity is an absolute contributor to overall mental health.
Jerry Henderson:
Another part of that 40% is positive mindset, or your overall mindset, and working on shifting that and changing that. Now, the reason that those things are so powerful in our overall happiness is because they become daily things that are present with us. They become habits in our life and it actually sustains the happiness because it's rewiring or reprogramming us. And the beautiful thing about this 40% is it's not fixed like that 50%. We'll talk about how the 40% impacts that 50% in just a second. And the other thing is it's not external from us. It's not one of those things that shows up and comes and goes like circumstances.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, one thing I want to point out is all the things that I was mentioning activity, social connection, practices of mindfulness and faith, like meditation and prayer, changing our mindset, learning positive thinking, letting go of limiting beliefs all of those things are producing and releasing a set of chemicals in us. They're activating our reward system. So it's not only about the habits and the lifestyle. It's actually about the biology. It's actually about how we feel internally physically, emotionally, mentally. So you're tapping into your internal pharmacy. You have an internal pharmacy that lives inside of you, that when you do certain things, it begins to activate it and releases positive chemicals that contribute to our overall well-being and help support our happiness.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, I mentioned before how that 40% can really help impact the other 60%. And why is that? Well, happiness is all of the things I've talked about, but it comes down to an overall mindset and the way that we look at life, and that mindset gets rewired, gets reprogrammed, through a set of activities, work, things that we do to get rid of those limiting beliefs and put new ones in their place. And when those new ones are there, it actually allows us to reframe or create different associations or different meaning to number one, the circumstances in our lives. So, instead of looking at everything through a negative confirmation bias, which we talked about earlier, I can now look at it in a way that supports this new viewpoint that I have. So it allows me to see circumstances with a whole different set of meaning. So if I don't get that promotion, I can actually look at that in a different way. Instead of seeing it as well there must be something wrong with me or they're out to get me and they just don't like me. I can actually look at it through the eyes of protection, that I didn't get the promotion, because there's something better for me.
Jerry Henderson:
That shift in mentality and mindset will keep my overall happiness higher because I'm looking at things differently. It can even empower me to look back at past events and reframe those, sign a different meaning to them, because my mindset is different now and I'm not looking at it through the same lens that I was before. I want to be careful here. I'm not saying that we need to look back at past events and be thankful that they happened, saying that we need to look back at past events and be thankful that they happened, but that our mindset can change to reframe it in a way that serves us instead of continuing to harm us. So practicing those activities.
Jerry Henderson:
Of that, 40% will shape and have an impact on how you see and feel about your circumstances. But now, how does it impact that 50%, that genetics? Well, research is clear that that genetic impact isn't just one way, that there's a bi-directional relationship between those genetics and whether or not they get activated. You know epigenetics and the way that those genes get activated or get turned on or turned off has some connection to the way that we live our daily lives, our mindset, our attitude, etc. So the way that we can think about it is we're using that 40% to help manage that 50%. So an example of that might be that you know that you have a tendency to have a lower ranking on an overall happiness score, just biologically, it just feels the way that you're wired. Awareness of that can help you within that 40% of what you have complete control over how to manage that coping mechanism strategies. You see, if we're not managing that 40%, well, when that 50% shows up it feels like we're powerless against it, we're out of control, we don't have any agency over it. But if we're really doing the work of that 40%, creating the mindset, the lifestyles, that overall happiness, it can help us manage that part of our life and can really in many ways mitigate it.
Jerry Henderson:
I do want to point out something that for those of you who are in that boat where you feel like your 50% is wired to be more unhappy, I want to give you a bit of encouragement around that. You see, there's some really great news around understanding that there's a lot of genetics that go with that, because for many people who feel like, well, my overall happiness level doesn't seem to be as high as Nancy's or Bob's. What's wrong with me? And you begin to take it personally and you begin to think there's something flawed with you. If you can begin to see it as a genetic thing, okay. You can begin to see it as a wiring. You can see it as no different than a physical health condition that you have that you inherited. You see, with physical things we give ourselves a pass and we go. Well, I inherited that I have high cholesterol because I inherited it from my dad. It's a part of my genes.
Jerry Henderson:
Well, in that statement there's no judgment that you're putting towards yourself. But when we think about things that are emotional, we're heaping judgment on ourselves. So if you can realize that 50% of what you're carrying and dealing with and your overall happiness comes from that and you have a low set point, it can enable you to have more compassion towards yourself and less judgment towards yourself. And having less judgment towards yourself is going to actually cause you to be happier. It's a part of that 40% practicing self-compassion, for example. So I hope that's great news for you today, to understand that you have this 40%, that when you tap into that and you begin to practice things around that it can really bring transformation to your life. And a great book that I'll recommend to you is the book the how of Happiness Fantastic book around this subject. The other book I'll recommend to you is the Good Life it's the one I was referring to that took a look at that long-term study of individuals and their overall happiness, and I'll make sure and put links to both of those books in the show notes of this episode.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, as you know, I always like to leave you with something that you can practice, so I want to ask this question what is something that this week, just one thing that you have complete control over that would contribute to that 40% that lives within that 40%? That would help increase your happiness, that would help rewire your overall state of happiness. It might be a mindfulness exercise. It might be in the evening, writing down three things that you're grateful for and emotionally connecting to those things. Not just writing them down, but writing them down with emotional connection. It might be that this week you're going to move your body three times this week, get out, exercise. Whatever it is, try choosing one thing this week that you're going to work on that lives in that 40% and commit to focus in on that and commit to not focusing in so much on that 10%. Okay, the circumstances of your life right now. And I think as you do that and you're consistent with it and you practice it and you have patience and you add things to it, you'll begin to find that your overall happiness level does begin to rise.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, if you need some help in your journey about rewiring that mindset, letting go some of those limiting beliefs, I want to encourage you. Overall happiness level does begin to rise Now. If you need some help in your journey about rewiring that mindset, letting go some of those limiting beliefs, I want to encourage you to set up a discovery call. I work one-on-one with individuals in helping them transform their mindset, and a lot of the work does revolve around the experiences that we've had in our life, whether they be trauma or pain, that are limiting us in our present life and keeping us from the life that we want to have. As a part of being a certified mindset transformation coach, some of the tools that I use are NLP or neuro-linguistic programming, as well as internal family systems or IFS, to really help you on your journey of healing and helping you move towards the life that you want to live. So if you'd like to learn more about working together one-on-one, you can see the show notes in this episode and you can set up a free discovery call and we can take some time and explore the possibilities of working together.
Jerry Henderson:
Now, if you're enjoying this podcast, I want to ask you a couple of favors. Number one if you've not yet had a chance to subscribe or to follow, please take a moment to do that, because that's going to keep you updated on when new episodes come out. Also, if it's having an impact on you, it's going to have an impact on other people, so I want to encourage you to share this podcast with people that you know that you believe could benefit from the message about how to change your mindset and have a healthier relationship with yourself. Well, thank you for taking your time to listen to this episode of the Permission to Love podcast, and I want to remind you, as always, you are worthy of your own love and you can heal and transform your relationship with yourself.