S1 Ep 7 | The HEARTBEAT of the Gay Community: The Chosen Family | Coffee with Gays 🌈

What if your family wasn't the one you were born into, but the one you chose? Dive into another steamy cup of "Coffee with Gays" as Blaine, Adam, and Ryan are back to spill the beans on the concept of 'Chosen Family' within the LGBTQ+ community. We count ourselves lucky for having supportive families, but we understand that's not everyone's reality. So, we've built our networks of love and support, our 'chosen families', and we want to share our insights with you.

From heartfelt stories (yes, Adam cries) to the hilarious adventures of Blaine trying to navigate getting accepted into the group, we delve into the unique dynamics of chosen families within our community. In the first part of the episode, we discuss various friend groups, their unique roles, and the tradition of Friendsgiving that binds us together.

Have you ever wondered about the secret to making a memorable first impression or winning over the "king and queen" of a new group? We've got you covered. Throughout the episode, we share hilarious anecdotes and essential tips, including the tale of how Blaine met his friend Ryan and managed to blend into his group. We put a spotlight on social cues, intentional planning, and the value of authenticity in building long-lasting connections.

Our conversation offers a humorous, yet insightful look at navigating social dynamics in new friend groups, dating, and handling the pressures of making an impression. Finally, we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and sometimes we must let go. As we round off our chat, we reflect on the importance of being a good listener, identifying true friends, and the sometimes difficult process of saying goodbye to those who aren't beneficial to us. It's all about striking a balance and knowing when to hold on, and when to let go.

So, grab your favorite mug and let's get into this enlightening and entertaining conversation on Coffee with Gays. ☕💖👨‍❤️‍👨

[00:00:00] Intro: Pouring a fresh cup of 'Chosen Family' chat ☕️🌈.
[00:01:15] Blaine's Beginnings: First sips into the world of chosen families 🌍.
[00:03:45] Adam's Aha Moment: The art of sticking with your main artery in friendships 💡.
[00:06:20] Party Puzzles: Navigating the social scene and the importance of invites 💌🎉.
[00:08:45] Ryan's Revelations: The subtle dance of introductions and connections 💃.
[00:11:10] Drama at the Disco: Epic meltdowns, dance-offs, and party faux pas 🕺🎶.
[00:13:35] Adam's Analogy: Friendships as jobs - the boardroom dynamics 🏢.
[00:16:00] Blaine's Blast from the Past: Meeting Adam and the dynamics of first impressions 📸.
[00:18:25] Adam's Advice: The journey of finding your tribe in Dallas 🌆👯‍♂️.
[00:20:50] Ryan's Reflections: "Friends for a reason, friends for a season" - Th

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This bachelorette's the gay bars. They really piss me off.

Speaker 2: 0:03

You freaking. Open your mouth and Prada comes out, don't?

Speaker 3: 0:07

come between Bargain Bradley and my mate.

Speaker 2: 0:14

Welcome to today's show on Coffee with Gays. Coffee with Gays. I'm Adam. We have Ryan and your host.

Speaker 1: 0:21

Blaine, blaine, cheers guys.

Speaker 2: 0:24

Today's episode, we are talking about our chosen family.

Speaker 1: 0:27

This is actually a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. In particular, I think one of the reasons that one of the organizations that I've always supported is regarding homeless youth, and I think we've talked about it on a very early episode that we probably wouldn't want you to listen to because it was when we didn't have our shit together, so to speak, but it is. I really do care about the youth in our country that have been kicked out of their homes and maybe don't have supportive families, and I think we've talked before that the three of us are very blessed to have very supportive families that are supportive of us being gay and living our lives, but so many people don't have that, and I think the concept of chosen family is really important in our community because of people that don't have supportive families. But then I also think for us it's an important topic because there's a whole like kids and, you know, like how we live our lives and partners.

Speaker 2: 1:29

Chosen. Family means it's the people that you choose to be a part of your family. So take out all the actual people who are related to you and it's the people who you want as basically your close family. And you know, I know this from experience because I moved to Dallas only knowing maybe five people and then I had to go through and meet friends and find who my close friends were. And if you look at who I started to be friends with when I first moved here, to who now are my close friends, you wait through a lot of people to find the good people, even if they try to beat your ass and who was sad.

Speaker 1: 2:12

But why did you, as a gay man, come here and have to find a group of people? I think that's what really differentiates kind of our experience from the straight experience, so to speak, because let's say you were a straight man of your age, most likely you would have had a wife and two kids and you would have moved here and, guess what, put them in school, right, and then all of a sudden you would be in PTAs and you would do that and I love I think, brian, you said something like you come into work and what.

Speaker 3: 2:41

Like you come in and say on a Monday morning you've got that small talk starting a meeting conversation oh, how was your weekend?

Speaker 3: 2:47

And a lot of people are like you know, I took my kids to this or that or we went to that tournament, and you know, like I can't relate to that at all. You know and I think of that meme, that's just really funny that I think a lot of like gays can relate to this. But you know, I mean when it's like at the office, when it's like how was your weekend? And you're like, oh, you know, just really low key, saw a few people maybe went to a brunch and then in the background, like the reality is like we're out, like you know, partying and we're at all the concerts, parties, whatever and like. But you have to just kind of portray it because I can't relate to the. You know I took my kids to soccer and whatever, and I know that that can be, you know, a straight couple, gay couple, but still it just seems like majority majority, especially our age, I think, like it's definitely makes our lives very different.

Speaker 2: 3:39

Most gay people don't have a you know, a partner with kids and all that stuff where their lives are tied into that. So we go out and we get friends. We have friends as a you know, we're big with friends getting like we've done that before where everybody calls in because people are all from different areas of the United States and they don't fly back for Thanksgiving as much. So somebody will say, hey, we're going to do friends giving and everybody will come over and that's the friends.

Speaker 1: 4:13

You know, my friends, giving is like the most popular event. Actually, last year it was so popular I had to have like three of them.

Speaker 2: 4:20

Actually, I don't know about that because I've never been invited.

Speaker 1: 4:23

Oh my God, I think you were invited last year. I don't think you were here, in all fairness, I think you were somewhere else during one of the friends giving, because I'm almost positive you were invited for sure, but I did. I did have multiple friends giving, I did, and this year you'll definitely be invited and we'll have another three or four of them.

Speaker 2: 4:42

Well, I would like to RSVP as a maker.

Speaker 1: 4:45

But you're also such a good cook and I cook all my old family recipes, southern recipes, love it.

Speaker 2: 4:51

So that's why you're inviting me, so that I can cook for you too.

Speaker 1: 4:54

No, you just like to cook, just like me, and that's what I love about friends giving you, bringing like the recipes from your old days. You're invited and I'll just put you down as a. Maybe we'll see which, which one you get invited to the popular one or the not?

Speaker 3: 5:07

The leftover, friends giving.

Speaker 1: 5:10

In all fairness. Ok, my place isn't huge, I can't just have 40 people here, so I have to create groups within a group. You know you got group ABC and I don't think it's bad, I think it's a great segue kind of into the kind of difference is in groups and how you kind of categorize. You know the friend group.

Speaker 2: 5:31

I have different friend groups from like what hours? I would say that our friend group is the core of my friends and the favorite, that's all. I have different like friend groups with different things, like there's a friend group back at home and there's like even even here in Dallas I have some different friend groups, but it just depends on what I'm doing and I don't merge them and I think it's because I think that they would clash. And I've tried to merge some of them and they do clash.

Speaker 1: 6:06

I saw a tick talk about this the other day. They were like group friend group a at the birthday party and friend group B and a was like the fun girls and then friend group B was all sitting there all in all black like and they looked really boring. I would have definitely we would have been a part of a the person who's friends in both groups but they were both either side of the table and I was like yeah, that's definitely how that goes.

Speaker 2: 6:26

When you're the ones that are sitting back, you definitely have to look at and be like well, now I know why I'm not invited to a lot of parties.

Speaker 1: 6:31

By the way, I'm always in friend group A. I'm in the fun, always, like when it's when you're in a murder situation. I always feel bad for them. I think I'm in the C no, the C group First of all. I could totally see you melting into the background of any event, dinner, whatever.

Speaker 2: 6:51

I'm going to take a friend that if you don't invite me, I'll just invite everybody else that was there to a party that.

Speaker 3: 6:55

I'm going to have and not leave you. Oh, now we know.

Speaker 1: 6:59

Is that what the pumpkin party was? I was invited to the party, though, so who was invited to the pumpkin party. I didn't know, I didn't know.

Speaker 2: 7:05

Don't feel special.

Speaker 1: 7:07

Okay, good, well, I didn't go there, so there's that. But yeah, so I think we have different like types of friend groups, and I think we also have different types of friends within the group too.

Speaker 2: 7:19

So you have the ringleader, you have the person that brings everybody together, which I find that the most exhausting. I've been that before and I'm not that with us. It's the most exhausting thing.

Speaker 1: 7:33

You couldn't be. You're way too disorganized and you're late all the time.

Speaker 3: 7:37

Like I feel like I'm more of the ringleader in a different group but I'm not in like this group, so I mean it's different roles within different friend groups.

Speaker 1: 7:45

Yeah, you're really good at planning stuff too. Like you plan a lot of trips. You're like what is your other group that you're like ringleader of.

Speaker 3: 7:54

The AMC A-list club I'm obsessed with. I know they don't sponsor us yet, but I am obsessed with the AMC eight subs A-list, 12 movies, up to 12 movies a month for $20 a month. And like I didn't see movies before, people are like oh my God, I never see like that many movies. Well, I didn't either, until I had $20 a month.

Speaker 1: 8:14

So what I will say is that group, the AMC group, is your couples club Now that you're with Bradley, and it's all the cute couples. And then, oh, there's the full party group.

Speaker 3: 8:25

Slightly newer group that's in development, yeah, and there's a few past connections from, like, a past friend group that kind of merged to the full party group.

Speaker 1: 8:33

Ryan's really cool.

Speaker 2: 8:35

He's got all these hidden fucking groups in there. He's dead.

Speaker 1: 8:39

I didn't think of it like that, and then, now that we're talking about it, maybe why it's so hard to schedule him for coffee with gays, because he's always like got all these different things.

Speaker 2: 8:50

So you're seeing a movie to go back home you know?

Speaker 1: 8:53

No, it's true, it's true. So we get to do these pool parties and we got the movie nights and we got all that stuff.

Speaker 3: 8:58

But I never want, and I've always. I feel like I try to make it a point Like I don't like to think of it as like I'm busy or I don't ever want to be like oh, I'm too good at hanging out with you or whatever. Like I just want to make plans to be intentional about, like seeing whoever I try to be with.

Speaker 1: 9:12

You're just a social butterfly.

Speaker 2: 9:13

I'm over at home. Knitting a skirt Like this is great.

Speaker 3: 9:16

You're busy, you're over there, I don't know. I'm doing electrical and applying to be alignment.

Speaker 1: 9:22

You wouldn't go out anyway. On most of those times anyway, I couldn't actually keep up with how much you do things. It's too much for me. I'm very satisfied with how much our group does.

Speaker 2: 9:35

So what's funny with Chers and Family that I always laugh at is like social cues. So for me, coming in from outside of Dallas and meeting people I had to, and everybody who knows me and everybody who's here listening, I am a type A person. I am very loud and overwhelming.

Speaker 1: 9:55

You're loud, no and overwhelming, overbearing Any hit or miss.

Speaker 2: 10:04

What I was saying is when I first came here, I had to be very reserved. I know you were looking for me.

Speaker 3: 10:10

How did you do that?

Speaker 2: 10:12

I put a fucking cork in my mouth and was like shut up, sit down and go on, because you need to see all the dynamics, and that's one of the things that I will say this I'm good with I can sit back and watch the dynamics of a group and see who I can jive with, so nothing ensue. But if it was five or six of us here, I would adapt to Blaine, because I know Blaine's louder than me, so I'm not going to be the most obnoxious one here. You're such a bad man. Take him to pull him on my side and then swim into you and the other group that I know is more of the quieter ones.

Speaker 1: 10:52

But they're the quiet, hot ones. Those are the deadly ones that you really have to get in with, because they're they could be the real bitches. Little do you know, though, he's actually the nicest one of the group.

Speaker 2: 11:05

Every time you go into a new group. It's strategizing. How do you, first of all, do you want to be in that group? So you have to sit back and watch that group to go. Do you want to be a part of that group? And then, how do I fit into that group? And then you have to slowly let your personality come out. In the same way with dating. Dating is the same way.

Speaker 1: 11:26

But you got this. This is like who are the players? Yeah, really.

Speaker 2: 11:30

Who's the king and the queen of the game of chess. Like that's the way it is, you have to look and see who are the ones that you need to be the closest to the information that you can survive in this framework and not get squashed.

Speaker 1: 11:43

Yeah, so funny story about our group because we just talked about like the different, the stereotype types of the planner and the daddies of the group, basically. So you know, I met Ryan at a bar here in Dallas and I all my friends originally from Dallas when I moved back here. They're all like straight married kids and you know I was hanging out with them but we just don't have the same lives. I was like dying to make gay friends here and, like you know, it's just like kind of hard, I mean really. And so like I ended up meeting a friend out at a bar and I met Ryan and we had some great talks about California and he was super nice and he was with our friend Reynolds and I thought Ryan was the queen bee of the group Because you know, ryan's like always got this ridiculous outfit you had that see through floral thing on. And then Ryan's like, oh yeah, let's go back to your place. I was like, oh yeah, you guys can all after party at my place. I got it like a black SUV to impress everybody and Reynolds goes no, we're not going to 10. And I was like, oh, so then I got in the black SUV by myself and I was like, hey, no big deal.

Speaker 1: 12:52

Then we went to brunch, like two weeks later, and that's when I and then he invited me to a party at Reynolds house and I was like you know what I got it? Reynolds is the, he's the queen bee, he's the one that plans. And I am going to go. Yeah, I'm gonna bring more frickin' food to his frickin' Halloween party To win him over. And I brought homemade food to his Halloween party. He didn't notice. I need you to like me. And now that we're very close, we actually talk about this. And he's like I wondered why you were even at my house that day. I didn't even know that Ryan invited you. Then I show up a few months later because I'm not invited to the all powerful Christmas party. Obviously didn't get that invite.

Speaker 2: 13:38

That Christmas party is so. Sutter Family has a Christmas party and it is insane. At his house he probably has what 150, 160 people there has it like, has food, has bartenders, has everything.

Speaker 1: 13:54

I didn't know. I didn't get an invite to that. So I showed up at the Super Bowl party and I was like you know what I'm gonna? I'm gonna make my famous funeral sandwiches. If you don't know, from the South, you've got to make a funeral sandwich. What is a funeral sandwich? And okay, a funeral sandwich is basically you take those Kings Hawaiian rolls and then you stack them with ham, traditionally, and Swiss beef and then you make this mixture of Worcestershire sauce and Dijon mustard and poppy seeds and brown sugar and you pour it butter obviously butter and you pour it all over the top, you let it marinate overnight and then you put them in the oven when you get to your party and then they get really like sticky and gooey and awesome. It sounds like a heart attack. It is a heart attack and I was so nervous to bring it to the Super Bowl party with a bunch of gays. I mean, it is, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2: 14:41

Gays and food is really tough because you get like ardor will eat. Really we don't care. But there are other gays where you could have a pool party and you could lay out food and they won't touch a fucking thing, because at the end of the day, a marker will be dry as shit that's making.

Speaker 3: 14:58

We were talking about like the pool friends. They had food set out. No one was touching the like the food table. I was like I'm hungry, I don't care, I'm going to that. Me and Bradley made a plate. We're having chips and salsa. He's getting cookies. He loves his sweet side.

Speaker 2: 15:14

But none of that was, and it's usually. The people will sit there and be like all right, who's going to go up to the table first?

Speaker 3: 15:20

He's going first to get the food.

Speaker 1: 15:23

This group had no problem. And I saw those funeral sandwiches going like this and, by the way, I brought them in my late crusade my best bakeware, ok and I was hauling these seriously Trader Joe bags out of the Uber like this. I also brought multiple handles of tequila and vodka, like I was there to give sacrifices and I brought all of this shit and I also, because I knew Renal was Indian I was like I bet you he doesn't eat ham. And he said, oh, these have ham. And I said I made you a turkey one.

Speaker 2: 15:57

Damn, you really did your homework and.

Speaker 1: 15:59

I have been in Ever since that party and it impressed him. But you know what, I don't mind knowing him today. I'm glad I did all that because he's so giving to everybody else and he's so that person Like I would do that anyway. But I'm glad I showed him who I was as a person with that. But I mean I was going to do it. But I don't blame him for being picky. He's got a lot of friends right and I think the people that we don't choose aren't. You know, they just kind of expect to just get in and not do anything special.

Speaker 2: 16:29

That's the funny part about it all this is, I sit there and, if I can get any advice to somebody who's here just coming out or just trying to get a new group of friends, take your personality and hold your personality back, but make sure you're a very giving person, because gay people love subtle, sweet people, like people who are very nice, genuine and sweet, but subtle they love. My personality is not subtle, so that's why I have to turn that back and go a little bit like you said, go a little bit over the top and make sure, because the worst people that we don't like are people who show up with you know.

Speaker 1: 17:15

You can say it. You can say it, no, you can say that.

Speaker 2: 17:19

I have a cup of 16. And I have an old friend, sona. And to the group it's going to be a part of that group and this doesn't mean just from the beginning until you get in, it's throughout the party. Carry your weight. Carry your weight with your family, because your family will turn on you just like any other family will. Make sure you carry your weight. Don't be the one that's dragging ass behind everybody and being the anchor that everybody else has to carry.

Speaker 3: 17:48

You don't want to be that person, because then nobody wants to be around you and it's sad to say it, but it's the truth.

Speaker 1: 17:54

Also, if you see people showing up and they're always bringing something. Like you know, brinnell has a bar. Michelle, you know our friend, she did that amazing Pride Party for us that I recently posted. Like she, her husband makes the best food, literally Amazing, amazing food. Like, first of all, she should not have to give us our booze. I mean, ryan brought an entire cooler.

Speaker 2: 18:17

I was thinking about it this way. So our friend Michelle is a straight woman and she's amazing, she loves us, she's just great to us. She threw us a Pride Party and it was probably what 30 of us, yeah, okay, it took her probably the day before all morning to set up. I guarantee you they spent just one food. I guarantee you 200, 300 dollars on food, oh, probably more, and then, and then how much on alcohol she spent, and then they had to clean up the next day, like we tried to like, do like small stuff to help her clean up, but she, she bent over backwards. So it's like things like that that when you come to a party you send, if it's cost you 40 or 50 bucks, send that money because it's a really nice gesture to the person that's hosting the party that you want to be a part of that group to say you know, hey, I appreciate what you did, like it's the social cues, knowing where you are, what you're doing and make sure that you have value to add to the further.

Speaker 1: 19:27

I used to host all the after parties back in my younger years Sex parties, no, okay, I just had degenerate friends when I was 20s and it was just literally people like like dancing and drinking until the early morning hours. But I would always like front the booze and it got to the point I was like getting really mad because these people that I didn't even know would just show up and I would be like, kind of be nice, and people would just bring people to my place and you know, I'd had that same place for a very long time downtown and it'd be like, oh, we're going to bring for the after party and there'd sometimes be like 30 plus people at my place. So I started filling my Gregos bottles and stuff with like the super cheap pop off. Well, because it just was getting super crazy, I'm like I don't know any of these people. So then of course, all the cheap people that don't even know me, they're coming and trying to drink to the expensive shit.

Speaker 2: 20:21

So let's take this for instance. So imagine you being a party host, right, and somebody coming into your party and you've got two different people here. You've got the person that walks in and says, hey, that's the way to the party, and goes and goes off into the party. Or you have that other person says, hey, thanks for inviting me, here's a bottle of liquor, I appreciate it. Boom, there's a connection Love that person, you love that person, and then you, as the host, you go. I want to know more about this person. And it's the same way with with chosen family. Like you want to bring your best a game to that chosen family.

Speaker 2: 21:01

You want to be remembered by those people and you want somebody to be like. I want them to like me. Let me get my foot in the door. It's the same way with jobs. Like put your best foot forward as the beginning of the race.

Speaker 1: 21:14

Like it's like a job, isn't it? It's like I was thinking that it's a good job interview.

Speaker 2: 21:18

Yeah, put your best foot forward and then, once you're in, you've got to build that rank to be able to sit back and be like I did this. I don't need to do this anymore.

Speaker 3: 21:28

Yeah, I think yeah, that's the point, because I mean they focus on, like, chosen family. They're literally you're choosing to be there and vice versa, they're choosing like do I want to keep you around and just like I can let you in, I can get rid of you.

Speaker 1: 21:41

Yeah, that's a fun guest. I hope they don't listen, but we had a fun guest at your house party, remember when you had that fun 90s party, and they actually did the opposite, which I think we should also talk about, where you go almost to above and beyond, I mean, I think there were gifts and there were things brought, right. Did he bring stuff? Did you go to the 90s party that Brian hosted? I was wearing my overpriced George Michael shirt that my stylist Whitney friend made me buy and it was very cute.

Speaker 1: 22:26

I had brought this guy that I had met no, no, no, no, not a boyfriend. First of all, I'm gonna be like Adam waving his finger. Adam, can you wave your finger? I'm like you know what wave your fingers, adam, finger wave. Every time I edit a video, I'm always like this it's just Adam waving his finger.

Speaker 1: 22:50

No, I brought this guy that I had met literally a day I think before right, it was maybe a day before and I met him through another girlfriend of mine and he basically kind of invited himself to go to roundup, our bar here that we go to in Dallas it's like our favorite bar and Brian and Brad and a bunch of people were at roundup and I was like, okay, come meet my friend.

Speaker 1: 23:11

And then kind of showed up Singular friend, my friend and my friends. I was like, yeah, come meet my friends. And it was actually a new gay in Dallas this is a great topic, new gay in Dallas. And I was like, okay, it was kind of weird because it kind of got. It was like it, I didn't expect and I thought there were more people coming with us, but it was just the two of us and I was like, okay, like maybe he's interested in me or something. But then, kind of find out, you guys had this conversation and he like, yeah, he like gave you his number, yeah, and he knew what. Yeah, he knew that this is a nice he knew as a friend.

Speaker 3: 23:52

like he was new in Dallas for hanging out, he seemed like a cool guy. Met him through Blaine so basically he was like vetted through.

Speaker 1: 23:58

Blaine. Well, everybody and this is the joke to this day thinks I vetted this person. Okay, and I literally had just met him, spent maybe an hour and a half. My friend that had introduced me got drunk and left and so like then I'm just stuck with this person and I don't really know him either. And all of a sudden he's giving Ryan his number, texting him text me the next night or the next morning. And I didn't text him back Cause I was like, oh, I didn't, I just didn't get the vibe. I was just kind of thought the vibe was like a little off for me in my opinion and I was like I'm going to text him later cause I don't want him to ask what I'm doing this afternoon and then maybe him and I can hang out again before I introduce him to my friend group, cause we were all going to the Ivy that day.

Speaker 2: 24:45

What the fuck is this?

Speaker 1: 24:48

So this is the date of Ryan's party. So I wake up, I see the text. I'm like we're going to the Ivy Saturday morning, so we're going to the Ivy, and then Ryan has his nineties party that night, which is like a bunch of people coming.

Speaker 3: 25:03

We know where we were that morning, where I was that morning, not at the Ivy. Where were you that morning? I was at Katie Trail Ice House and I'd already had his number, so I invited him to Katie Trail this is my point.

Speaker 1: 25:16

I didn't know any of this, so I show up at the Ivy. I had ignored said texts from this new friend cause I'm deciding I'm going to try to meet new person later.

Speaker 2: 25:25

Well, you're in the ass of cute to figure out if you want him to be around him.

Speaker 1: 25:28

Exactly my point right. I didn't know that he had given his number to Ryan.

Speaker 2: 25:33

I didn't have an mediator of this, so the guy went around and texted, texted Ryan to probably in his head, go, I'm going to weasel my way into this. However he could. And Ryan, I'm doing this. I'm going to come to this party tonight and side-blok and blame him. This, which I can tell you right now for anybody that's listening, anybody that's even thinking of Do not do that.

Speaker 2: 26:00

It'll burn, Because if you think that people in that room yeah, that friend group put on fun and it's work for me, that friend group, I'm telling you they talk, and when I mean they talk, they talk, or some school girls do, and they will find out and as soon as they know that you're one of those godly and sneaky ass people, they will cut you out faster than you can even sneak in.

Speaker 1: 26:26

And I got to tell you what happened when I so showed up at the Ivy Adam. I did not know that they had been at Katie Trail Ice House in the morning and I showed up and there he was sitting because I did not answer his texts. The literal shock on my face with the rest of the friends I was literally in shock and you have to think from my perspective I hadn't texted him back Mainly woke up slightly hungover Was like I don't want to text him because I don't want. I have a big day today of I have. I'm going to go to Ivy, I'm going to go to Brian's party and I don't want to invite him because I don't know if I like him.

Speaker 2: 27:07

And he's looking at the side going you sneaky ass, bitch, you sneaky ass when around me, yeah for sure. To get invited to this party, and I'm telling you that is the worst way to do it, because you may be, invited to that first party but you would never get invited to that second, third, fourth or whatever more.

Speaker 2: 27:28

It's the worst. You need to be reserved and your main artery. If you would have been blamed in that situation, you have to stick that main artery. And you'll have to go through that Because if you go out of your home you're going to get short cut.

Speaker 1: 27:45

It's good advice. Like I stayed with Brian the original time and then I also made it a point which I felt like in this situation was fair. Like Brian and I kept hanging out even though, like Renault wasn't inviting me to his parties, like or he was not I didn't get a first party right. It wasn't like Ryan was forcing an invite to a party. Like Ryan and I kept hanging out the whole time, like I was building a relationship with Ryan, then getting those invites to the party. In this situation it was like let me go behind everyone's back then, mind you, by the time we get to the IV, he's already given his number to the accountant, all of our other friends, and he's hanging all over them. They're like drunk and I was sitting there so fucking livid I could barely see straight. And then I said to Ryan, did you? No, because he left and he goes. Okay, girls, I'm going to go freshen up and I'll see you at the party and I go. Ryan, did you invite him to your party?

Speaker 2: 28:49

And he said yes, and I was like no, it's the biggest mistake that I don't know that straight people, but gays do.

Speaker 1: 29:00

This was less than 24 hours. I see that.

Speaker 2: 29:02

Less than 24 hours, but I see this happen so much. You cannot wedge yourself into a friends group like that. Because here's the thing you have to stay true to who you know in that friends group first. So Blaine was the first person that he knew he should have never reached out Like. If it was me that you introduced to the friend group, I would never veer from you. It would always be going through you until the outside people came to me and said, oh my gosh, let me get your number and like, and that's absolutely- and we asked you for your number.

Speaker 1: 29:44

He did right. You didn't say let me give you a I don't think I asked for his number.

Speaker 3: 29:48

I mean, I don't remember specifically, but I remember like talking and it was before I don't know. I feel like he made sure like things were coming up and he was like felt like he was very supportive, like oh my God, you guys are raising money for his life cycle, and it was all these things that I was like and in my head I'm thinking, okay, made him through Blaine, it's Blaine's friend. And then like, then he's supporting his life cycle and so it's like this easy.

Speaker 1: 30:11

So then we get to the party. Okay, and, by the way, and Ryan had been planning this for a bit and we all had, we all came on point to this party. We were dressed for the 90s. It was like, really on point and it was a really fun party. So this one shows up and in all his glory and he was loud, obnoxious, overly, like completely wasted, I think, maybe high too, I don't know, but like it was an epic meltdown, I mean the most epic meltdown you've ever seen in your entire life. This was it. And then actually started dancing in a very awkward way like break dancing. Was it break dancing?

Speaker 3: 30:59

I don't know cause I was wasted at that point.

Speaker 2: 31:03

So this all goes back to. It's a job Like you're going on, like a job interview, and now that you're in the group and you've got the job doesn't mean that you can go to the board meeting and take control. You have to sit back and you have to watch the dynamics of the group and slowly build. I mean again, I have a very strong personality. I did not come into this group of friends kicking and screaming.

Speaker 1: 31:37

I met you at the birthday party for Mr Hare and I thought, you were the nicest person in the world.

Speaker 2: 31:45

It was Reynolds birthday party and he threw it, our friend threw in for him at his house and I was still trying to win this friend over To try to to keep this, this guy, into my quarter and like date, I was doing anything and everything possible today, and this is where it goes to knowing your arteries, knowing who to like, stay with what. Now, now I've been in a friend group for probably six months, I think you say Eight months. Okay, so a month. So I stayed up all night numbers.

Speaker 2: 32:24

I stayed up all night knowing that I had to bring my absolute a game. I Baked rental a homemade for big eight that I was scared shitless, it was gonna taste like shit. I Paid, I didn't pay, I made a shark food reward and I sent $350 in the shark food reward like I made the biggest Shark food reward in world's picture of this thing, because it was freaking awful it was really and and when full.

Speaker 2: 32:57

First of this, I did everything possible to make the homers like. I was. Like I'll clean, I'll do whatever I can. I Was way over the top of it and I know that okay.

Speaker 1: 33:10

If I have a video of your speech, which I think I might, I will post it now.

Speaker 2: 33:17

If I don't because you would have thought I mean right over you. I.

Speaker 1: 33:20

Literally, because this is was kind of. I was new as well. I like I said this was my first party where Ryan wasn't there, so I didn't have my little buddy to like you take me around, and it was a really large party.

Speaker 1: 33:32

I'd like it to know there's a lot of people, big place and, and so I do think I filmed it and I was like, wow, this guy and him have just I'm pretty sure I have the filming. It is that speech was, and so I had no idea it was all because you were trying to date.

Speaker 2: 33:53

Was because I felt bad that nobody was gonna say Somebody's gotta say something about. So much for us and I mean I can't say enough good stuff about like I'm gonna get to your guy.

Speaker 1: 34:20

You can give you real speech now.

Speaker 2: 34:22

Absolutely. He's so genuine, he's so giving, he's so nice. I'm like he's like, he's just so one like Anything I've ever gone to Ronald about or anything like that. He's opened His. He's open his arms thing. He's like, look just I'll help you with whatever. And like I, absolutely, absolutely, like I give Ronald the most shit ever. Don't I fucking I would take a bullet for him. Like I absolutely love it, like he's amazing. Some really good words about it I've only known about for maybe Ten months and I already had like huge impact on me. And like I was just like this is like an amazing person. And and for whoever marries that motherfucker, like if you do.

Speaker 1: 35:31

Yeah, he's like the most amazing person, and that's what I love is there's like. I love these connections. I love you guys the same way, by the way. Hence why I gave you my loving book and wrote very heartfelt things, and I'm not a heartfelt person usually.

Speaker 2: 35:44

It's where, like our day, families are so tight, like we have each other's backs, like we will do Anything for anybody like, but you've got to know how to get into that group and and just how to make sure that you're not overbearing even though, I will say this again, I'm a very good person, but like know how to be that puzzle piece of the family and and how to be like that key space.

Speaker 1: 36:15

I think you like to your point. I think it's all about Us being there for each other and, like Brian's been there for me like a ton. I mean I think we've been there for each. I had like a moment. Actually I had a crime on me the other day which normally do not to at the bright party. I did like a little breakdown because we do have these bonds with each other that, like I really do love you and I really think like and I do thank you for bringing me into this group and being like my advocate and and and you know, all of us just, I think, support each other so much and I'm glad that you know I finally got in.

Speaker 1: 36:53

I like I told you, I told you when at that it was, that it was, that it was. It was literally the Super Bowl and the, the funeral sandwiches that did it. That was after you. I was right on the heels of you. So my first, my first invite, was Reynolds birthday party within Ryan's there. So that was my first party without Ryan, without Ryan's presence, and I was like, oh my god, and like it was an intimidating part because there's 60 people there and I didn't know everyone. And that's when I started meeting, like all the other people, and I probably was great that Ryan wasn't there because I was able to just be myself and I knew enough people. And then Reynolds easy, but like it was his birthday.

Speaker 2: 37:35

I'm so sad.

Speaker 1: 37:40

Too busy showboating, because I just thought you had been like a part of this thing, this Exactly, and I thought it was. I find it funny now because it's kind of my first big party with like a lot of the people, and then you were like just oh, like in it and you just been in it only a little bit of time, but it's interesting because you can become that close, that quick if you put in the work and you bring the right things, you can get locked into a family.

Speaker 2: 38:08

And I'm telling you, the gays there's. It's so many like. So many times I've heard that Dallas is Such a hard city to like meet people and like be in, like it's so clicky and clicky. The way that I'm explaining it is it's not clicky, it's that they will grasp onto the people who are good around them and they will hold them tight and lock them down. And is it?

Speaker 1: 38:34

a little hard to get into.

Speaker 2: 38:35

It's a little bit of hard, you don't have to do your homework and and put for the effort, but Once you're in they will. They will fight tooth and nail for you, and that's the chosen family that you want.

Speaker 1: 38:47

No, I just try to you know I was ready. I do think that some people are not great and maybe you can't.

Speaker 2: 38:54

I mean, like I've been through a lot of people work. I have a friend that's going through the start now where he's like I can't meet people. You have to go out there to meet good friends. You can use many people as you can and then you go from there. You, even the first five people that you meet May not be good people, but the people behind them or the people behind them may be the people that you want to be friends with and you go through it and it sounds hard to say that you pick and choose, but you pull the good people out of the aspects of you know what you're in and you get those good people and you put them behind you.

Speaker 2: 39:37

So it may be a group of ten people and you're, like you know, I only one of these people. It is good and you start hanging out then but it may be their friends Friend that's actually a good person and you start gravitating to them. You know you don't want to burn the bridges that got you there, but you can cross those bridges in a nice way to get to the good pieces that you want in your life. Here's what I say, because, because my friend is like I can't need anybody, and I'm like you won't even cross a bridge.

Speaker 2: 40:13

So if you're not gonna cross a bridge, you're not gonna try to go out meet people. Nobody can help you. You have to go through and meet I don't want to say the bad people, but the people that you're not going to be as close with. To get to the people that you're going to be close with, I take walking to Dallas and go damn, here's Ronald Boom. This is it. This is one of my best friends. Let's go.

Speaker 1: 40:40

And I think this is a great point, because I think sometimes people are I love my mother's thing friends for a season, friends for a reason, and I think this is probably one of the biggest things that we struggle with. And kind of another good segue on this is sometimes we have friends that we thought were good and then we thought about our core work, part of our core crew, I should say, but then they just aren't really good for us anymore. Are we just drifted apart? I believe Ryan has the experience like that.

Speaker 3: 41:18

Well, you've been telling me that, yeah, the last few months, reminding me of that, yeah, because you just had.

Speaker 1: 41:24

I lost a very good friend that I stayed with during the pandemic and letting him go was the hardest thing I ever did. I did this hypnotherapy thing and this whole spiritual journey which I've told said about, but during that process I let go of our friendship and I cried and I let it all out. But because of that I was able to open space for you all, like if I had still been friends with him no way, he was way too possessive for me to be friends with anybody else. He would have talked shit, he would have done all this stuff, same right. And you just went through this.

Speaker 3: 41:58

I almost don't like to admit it, but there's probably still a little bit of me getting over it and through it, even though I know it's like what's best. But there's like sometimes tends to be that like, why are we hanging on to, holding on to maybe that person or that friendship? If I give it my all, I give it my best, I did what I could. There wasn't that back and forth mutual and fell apart. It's done so I've got to move on. But there's still something that's like why do I do that Like trying to like get an explanation or get a ending to that, when I just maybe need to accept that there is not going to be one?

Speaker 1: 42:37

I mean your closure should be that there is no closure and that that person is clearly just selfish and it's safe, for relationships Right.

Speaker 2: 42:48

I remember doing it again. So good word of advice, right? Okay, every friendship that you go through, don't take the bad from it, but take what you learned from it. So, even if it was a bad part of it, you learn something from that. Take that and use that to build on to better friendships.

Speaker 2: 43:05

And you can use that in friendships and in relationships. But take the good and the bad, understand what went through it, what happened, so that you don't repeat the bad things and take what you learned from it and move it on to a new friendship. It's the best thing to do.

Speaker 1: 43:23

I agree, Because that energy that you're giving to that person could go to someone better that actually fulfills your life right.

Speaker 3: 43:28

Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 43:30

And it doesn't like I don't know. Shoot fireworks off in your house and you will always look back and go.

Speaker 3: 43:36

I went through this for this, so always remember that, yeah, I mean, there's kind of like I know right, Like none of us are like perfect all the time, Like everyone has their mistakes, but like can you be friends that like recognize and own up to things and talk through it and like how can we move forward in a healthy way, Like those are the people that you're going to keep?

Speaker 2: 43:57

And that's actually a good point, because you always want to be able to listen to your friends' issues and what your friends think about. And I'm talking politics, religion whatever it is If you want to be a good friend, open your ears and shut your mouth. Listen, just listen and understand where they're coming from, even if you don't respect it, just listen.

Speaker 1: 44:25

Well, I think what you're saying is respected, but Some people just need a ear.

Speaker 2: 44:30

They don't need input, they just want to talk and just have an ear. And I can tell you, if you're a person who just listens, you will get way further than anybody else. I don't listen.

Speaker 1: 44:42

I think you listen. Actually, I think you talk a lot, but you also listen, sometimes deep down, we know it. We know it deep down. This is a good episode, for sure. I think this is a good episode. You know, I'm my hope and I've wanted kids, obviously most of my life, but I think I'm kind of getting to the point now that I'm almost 40 that I'm probably not going to have them. My hope is that this chosen family of mine will take me to the end of life. I just went to my grandfather's 90th birthday and it just makes me think when I'm 90, he actually has a lot of friends and I'm like I think that that's impressive and I don't know a lot of people like that, especially in the straight community. I'm like, oh, I really hope to have a lot of great people around me as I grow older, and so that's kind of my hope for this chosen family. Adam, if you are, you around me this long.

Speaker 3: 45:37

You're going to live much.

Speaker 1: 45:41

I know Ryan well, I'm going to be 42. Sure, if you don't wear some sunscreen, you're not going to live much longer. You're like. Matthew sent me that video of him peeling off your skin after a pool party. It was not good Peeling skin Gross. We need to get you some sunscreen because that melanoma is real. Yes, please wear a sunscreen everybody. It's important, that is super important. But yeah, I think this is a really good episode and I love you guys and I'm glad that we're all a part of our chosen family.

Speaker 3: 46:17

Family podcast Cheers.

Speaker 2: 46:18

Cheers to coffee with gays.

Speaker 1: 46:21

To us next time when we talk about the Gen Z's.

Speaker 2: 46:25

The Gen Z's.

Speaker 1: 46:28

Well, it's really millennial and Gen Z's, since we are in ourselves, you are technically millennial. I like to call myself an older millennial, so I think it's an interesting discussion.

Speaker 3: 46:40

I didn't get them very well. So on YouTube, Spotify, you know they usually all subscribe everywhere. Listen and watch. So we'll see you next time every Wednesday Cheers, Cheers, Cheers.