The Mom Archives: The Mental Load of Motherhood

Have you ever felt like the functional existence of your family rests solely on your shoulders? Perhaps that sounds dramatic BUT We know we have definitely felt like that and SURPRISE we have scientific based reasons as to why this is. Join us as we dive back into "The Mom Archives" to discuss the mental load of motherhood. 

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Jenny Benitez:
Thank you for listening to Steal Roses, a podcast for women by women. My name is Jennie.

Melissa:
And I'm Melissa, and we're here to bring you honest content in a space where we can be real about the everyday challenges for women.

Jenny Benitez:
So Melissa, another week, another five days, six days.

Melissa:
Another week in the box.

Jenny Benitez:
Another week, check that off. And for me, I'm personally counting the days down because summer vacation is upon us. And I just now I said to my husband, I was like, we have five full business days left and then five half days and then that's it. And we both kind of shed a tear collectively.

Melissa:
And then summer is upon us.

Jenny Benitez:
And then summer is upon us.

Melissa:
Well, it was there is much buzz. Oh, wait, first I wanted to check in. Well, I already know the answer to this, but for our listeners was this week. Less taxing than the last for, for an update for listeners here.

Jenny Benitez:
Oh, oh, like a perfect.

Melissa:
Yeah, we kind

Jenny Benitez:
I'm.

Melissa:
of left you hanging on a cliff last week. So.

Jenny Benitez:
You know, so this week it kind of was only because it was tough. I had a couple of real I had a heavy, heavy, heavy day earlier in the week. But then I took a half day and then like, what was it? Monday we were closed. You know, like there was a it was a shorter week because then I took a half a day and then I took off on Friday. So I was trying to.

Melissa:
That was it for now.

Jenny Benitez:
And honestly, that was actually in the interest of like. Jenny's mental health and like physical being I was like let me make it a point to actually take a day off because I never Used to do that and I used to always just kind of cram Everything in and try to make it work and and whatever and the older I get I'm not that old But I'm the the more refined I get the more I think to myself Jenny, we need to be cognizant of what we're doing here and take a minute and take a breath and it's okay. And everybody will continue to survive if you do that.

Melissa:
It's true. It is

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
true.

Jenny Benitez:
What about you? How

Melissa:
One step.

Jenny Benitez:
was your week?

Melissa:
Oh, well, there is quite a buzz in the household tonight. Mia's first, it sounds so silly, but Mia's first little dance recital is tomorrow. And so we just before recording, we just did a little practice run

Jenny Benitez:
Oh my gosh.

Melissa:
known as sleeping over because it she goes on first thing in the morning.

Jenny Benitez:
Oh my

Melissa:
So

Jenny Benitez:
gosh.

Melissa:
we have to be out of the house, I think, by like 7 15.

Jenny Benitez:
Oh

Melissa:
It's

Jenny Benitez:
my gosh.

Melissa:
like, I thought like, I was like, oh, cute, a little recital, whatever. No, this thing is like a full blown, we're at a concert hall

Jenny Benitez:
Oh

Melissa:
on

Jenny Benitez:
wow.

Melissa:
Miami Beach.

Jenny Benitez:
Oh my

Melissa:
So

Jenny Benitez:
gosh.

Melissa:
we have to go and drive

Jenny Benitez:
She's gonna

Melissa:
and

Jenny Benitez:
get

Melissa:
like.

Jenny Benitez:
a taste of that stage life and be like, guess what mommy?

Melissa:
And like we, they go through a checklist of every, all of the things that she has to have. Now this, it's really funny to me because I had to buy, okay, this is going to make you laugh. I had to buy special stage makeup for her. And again, she's, she's two and a half. I was like, what

Jenny Benitez:
Get

Melissa:
are you talking about?

Jenny Benitez:
out!

Melissa:
I had to buy the little hair donut. It, it,

Jenny Benitez:
I'm sorry.

Melissa:
it was hysterical, but she is so excited

Jenny Benitez:
Aww.

Melissa:
and literally she's such a girly girl, which is just. funny to me because I'm not and I literally quit dance because I didn't want to do the recital and she is so excited.

Jenny Benitez:
to sew into it. That's amazing.

Melissa:
She is so excited. So her whole costume is all set. We have everything together. Her makeup is ready to go. It's just so funny. So yes, we stay tuned for that video and picture. Oh, and I was like the irony of this whole situation is Again, I quit dance because I refused to do the recital. I was like, no, I'm not performing for a bunch of people.

Jenny Benitez:
hahahaha

Melissa:
I'm like, no. At six years old, I was like, no, mom, I quit.

Jenny Benitez:
That's

Melissa:
But

Jenny Benitez:
hilarious.

Melissa:
the irony is that it's a mommy and me, because again, she's small. So it's a mommy and me class. So I have to perform with her. So

Jenny Benitez:
Oh,

Melissa:
the thing that

Jenny Benitez:
oh,

Melissa:
I've

Jenny Benitez:
hold

Melissa:
been avoiding.

Jenny Benitez:
on. I don't think I I don't think you've been totally honest with me in

Melissa:
No,

Jenny Benitez:
your descriptions

Melissa:
I have

Jenny Benitez:
of

Melissa:
not

Jenny Benitez:
this.

Melissa:
been coming with this information.

Jenny Benitez:
I'm almost positive you didn't mention that bit when every time you talked about the recital.

Melissa:
Yep, yep. So, so we're performing to Lion King instrumental. So yep, that's happening tomorrow on Miami Beach at

Jenny Benitez:
I'm

Melissa:
this

Jenny Benitez:
gonna need

Melissa:
fancy

Jenny Benitez:
you

Melissa:
concert

Jenny Benitez:
to

Melissa:
hall.

Jenny Benitez:
drop, I'm gonna need you to, actually I'm gonna text Noni and ask her to drop that video into the family text chat because

Melissa:
Just airdrop

Jenny Benitez:
that's,

Melissa:
that in.

Jenny Benitez:
yeah, that's critical, that's crucial.

Melissa:
So yes, that is what's happening this week with the buildup to we had rehearsal, the whole thing. It's hilarious. I don't even want to know what it's going to be like because her little teacher is like, you know, Mia has the form of a, you know, she could and she follows along. a lot for her. She's like, she really has the flexibility. And I was like, Oh God, don't tell me because we

Jenny Benitez:
Oh,

Melissa:
have

Jenny Benitez:
she

Melissa:
to do

Jenny Benitez:
hit,

Melissa:
this.

Jenny Benitez:
so she's

Melissa:
Like,

Jenny Benitez:
natural. Okay, so that's

Melissa:
I was

Jenny Benitez:
actually

Melissa:
like,

Jenny Benitez:
kind

Melissa:
I've

Jenny Benitez:
of cool.

Melissa:
heard dense moms are intense. Like, I don't know if I can handle that.

Jenny Benitez:
You know, on that note though, and actually like for all our listeners who are moms as well, my kids are at the age too, where I'm like, I want them to be in activities and I sign them up for stuff. And like my daughters were in soccer, my son is in karate. And

Melissa:
They

Jenny Benitez:
I

Melissa:
killed

Jenny Benitez:
was actually,

Melissa:
soccer by the way. They killed.

Jenny Benitez:
I was... I was the perpetrator this time of being like, oh, you only have two sessions left. Just forget it. Mommy has stuff to do. And I'm

Melissa:
What the hell?

Jenny Benitez:
going to be honest, because I kind of was like, oh, it's not a team. They're just practicing. But I will say, the natural talent is real. And I was very excited

Melissa:
No,

Jenny Benitez:
about

Melissa:
it really

Jenny Benitez:
that.

Melissa:
is real.

Jenny Benitez:
But.

Melissa:
Jenny sent me videos, I was like, holy cow, like you need to get them.

Jenny Benitez:
But on a like on a realistic note though, that was that kind of beat me up a couple of nights. I'm going to be on it

Melissa:
I'm

Jenny Benitez:
like because

Melissa:
out.

Jenny Benitez:
there was there was nights where I was like, dang, I'm like, I have to cook and what are we eating for dinner and what are we going to do and what about work and what about clothes and are your uniforms washed? Like, there's a lot more that goes into it because when you have the idea like, oh, I want to sign my kids up for stuff. Yeah, I'm I'm always all in. And then I the reality of it is that. you also need to be like aware that it's going to be, I'm

Melissa:
Oh, yeah.

Jenny Benitez:
going to say that in a not nice way, like a time suck for yourself. So be ready to commit basically.

Melissa:
And you have three, I'm doing this for one. I don't know, again,

Jenny Benitez:
I don't

Melissa:
I just

Jenny Benitez:
do it

Melissa:
don't

Jenny Benitez:
all

Melissa:
know

Jenny Benitez:
by

Melissa:
what

Jenny Benitez:
myself,

Melissa:
you do.

Jenny Benitez:
thank goodness. Thank goodness.

Melissa:
But yes, that was the week. But this relates to the topic that we're bringing in this week because I was talking to a colleague and we were just kind of, kind of the same thing what we're doing right now, kind of just talking about our week and everything. And she's like, God, I just can't handle the mental load sometimes of being a parent and being a mother. It's, she goes, it- She was having a really tough day between

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
trying to balance everything that was going on with work and submitting applications for grants and then she has two children. I think her oldest is a little bit older than Vicente and then her youngest is like around the same age as

Jenny Benitez:
Hmm.

Melissa:
your girl. And at first I was just like, oh, the mental load. Yeah, I was like, yeah, you know, being a mom and she's like, she goes, No, have you really heard about the mental load? And I was like, well, you know, just the stress of being a parent, she goes, No, it's like an actual term like that is studied and researched. I was like, get out. I was like, I have to go take a look at this. And it is it's called the mental load of motherhood. So if you put that in Google, you're going to actually come up like there are peer reviewed. journal articles on this that break it down. But essentially, it talks about, okay, so again, kind of nerding out a little bit here, but bear with me. So there's the cognitive labor, which is thinking about all the practical elements of household responsibilities. So it's that's like the, you know, organizing play dates, you know, food shopping, the planning activities that sort of like the cognitive labor that they talk about. And then there's the emotional labor. which is sort of maintaining the family's emotions, calming things down if the kids are acting up, if there's something weighing on them that's causing them to act out, let's say, my daughter's not in school, but in school or things like that, or worrying about how they're handling things and their responsibilities. So there's the cognitive labor and that's the emotional labor. And then the intersection of these two is really what is termed as the mental load. So it's preparing, organizing, anticipating for everything. The emotional and the practical together. That's that needs to get done to essentially make family life flow. And I was like, holy cow. I was

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah,

Melissa:
like, cousin, can you relate to

Jenny Benitez:
that's,

Melissa:
that?

Jenny Benitez:
I have to tell you. So I, I always, I had a really, I've never articulated it quite as well as that.

Melissa:
Me either. Me

Jenny Benitez:
And

Melissa:
either.

Jenny Benitez:
I, and the most that I could ever get out was that I'm carrying everything. You know, like

Melissa:
Yeah.

Jenny Benitez:
the

Melissa:
Yeah.

Jenny Benitez:
end, but that's not quite right. Cause it isn't right. I'm not carrying everything, but the way that this is broken down here. actually outlines it really, really nicely because when you think about it, it isn't just, it is like, you know, you are worried about like, okay, are the kids in a good mood? Is my partner, is my husband in a good mood? Or, you know, are we all reaching the end of the day where everyone's grouchy? I gotta make sure that I'm intervening if the kids are fighting or if they're annoying me or they're annoying my husband or, you know, like we're annoying each other. And then on top of that, it's like, okay, break up this fight, make sure that dinner is on the table. Okay, get everyone in the shower. don't have a fight fight getting everyone's pajamas on, you know, like, and going through that by the time you get to the end of your day. I like to call this the time where I want to be a potato because because you go through all that and it's not just women who go through this like your husbands are going to go through this too because there is some part that

Melissa:
Oh, of course.

Jenny Benitez:
they carry as well.

Melissa:
Parenthood in general is just taxing, right?

Jenny Benitez:
Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes. Yeah. 100%.

Melissa:
But yeah, but this is what they found is like, even, and my colleague was saying like her partner, he is super involved and they split, they really do split things pretty evenly, like 50-50. But she said, she goes, no matter how even we try to get, to split responsibilities. And she goes, especially because there's two, and they're all in these activities, we split who's driving where and who went the days that he's picking up the kids versus the days that I'm picking up the kids. And she goes, even with that, she's like, I still carry 75% of the mental load. And

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
the research backs her up. It says, no matter how even... couples split up the tasks, typically the mental load still falls heavier on the mother.

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah, I can see that.

Melissa:
And Harvard sort of it was a really interesting point because, of course, as soon as she told me about this, I was like, I need to go because again, I did the same thing as you cousin, I would be like, oh, I'm just, you know, you know, for for where they First time mom, anxieties, I would worry about everything. And when she told me to go look at this, I was like, yes, this is the mental load of one of her. This is what's making me exhausted.

Jenny Benitez:
Well, the other thing that sucks too is that like, you basically, you were told at some point by a healthcare professional that you have anxieties as a first time mom and all first time moms go through that. Like you get

Melissa:
Which

Jenny Benitez:
kind

Melissa:
is true.

Jenny Benitez:
of,

Melissa:
It

Jenny Benitez:
you

Melissa:
is

Jenny Benitez:
get

Melissa:
true.

Jenny Benitez:
branded as, oh, no,

Melissa:
Don't

Jenny Benitez:
you're

Melissa:
worry,

Jenny Benitez:
just

Melissa:
yeah.

Jenny Benitez:
a first time mom. You don't know what you're saying. But the reality is this is a real thing. And that's really what I want to drive home is that this is legitimate. It's scientifically based. The mental load of motherhood is real. It's a

Melissa:
It's

Jenny Benitez:
real

Melissa:
real.

Jenny Benitez:
legitimate thing. So if you're having these overwhelming feelings of like, oh my gosh, I am totally overloaded, there's a warranted explanation for that.

Melissa:
Yeah. And I always just like having, being able to say no, like we're backed up by scientific research.

Jenny Benitez:
I like, yeah, I

Melissa:
And

Jenny Benitez:
like to,

Melissa:
this is

Jenny Benitez:
yeah,

Melissa:
the real thing.

Jenny Benitez:
feel free to use that in an argument with everybody.

Melissa:
Seriously. Because the Harvard study literally took the time and they identified four clear stages of the mental work related to family responsibilities. So it was broken down into anticipating needs. identifying options, deciding among the options, and then monitoring the results. And mothers did more in all four stages, and they admitted, although the parents together will often make the decisions,

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
mothers did more of the anticipation, the planning, the research, and then the monitoring of the results.

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah,

Melissa:
So.

Jenny Benitez:
that actually it's wild that how like on point this is actually.

Melissa:
right? So basically, like, and it wasn't that that fathers cared less, not at all.

Jenny Benitez:
Now.

Melissa:
But fathers participated when it came to making the actual decisions. But the mothers had to put in the legwork around those decisions. So yeah, so that I was like, yes, see, this is why I'm so tired. And the mental load of motherhood is a real thing.

Jenny Benitez:
It is. It's legitimate. You know, it actually, there was an image as you were chatting, as you were talking, Melissa, there was something that I had thought of that my husband had actually shared with me once. There was this image he had found online he shared with me and the image was, it was a man and a woman and I think it was the man was laying over the side of the cliff and he had his hand out and he was holding onto the woman. who was hanging over the side of the cliff. So it was basically like he was holding her from falling. What the woman couldn't see is that there was a boulder on the man's back. And what the man couldn't see was that there was a snake biting the woman's wrist. And the image was meant to show that while you're in your struggle, you don't know what the other person

Melissa:
is

Jenny Benitez:
is

Melissa:
yeah

Jenny Benitez:
experiencing.

Melissa:
yeah

Jenny Benitez:
So while yes, like the mental. load is legit and it's real. I do want to make sure that we also are clear here too. Is that like, while you are going through your stages and you're going through the mental load of motherhood and you're going through like that and we're both here for it, like we're going through it too, there's also a point where you have to take into consideration that your husband is also bearing the brunt of being a father. And

Melissa:
Right,

Jenny Benitez:
even

Melissa:
and

Jenny Benitez:
if

Melissa:
different

Jenny Benitez:
you feel

Melissa:
responsibilities,

Jenny Benitez:
and Right,

Melissa:
yeah.

Jenny Benitez:
exactly, and it's different responsibilities. And it's just a different way of thinking. Men's brains are wired differently. They just think of things differently. It's okay, and it's

Melissa:
And

Jenny Benitez:
almost

Melissa:
we're socialized

Jenny Benitez:
like,

Melissa:
differently to do that. You

Jenny Benitez:
yeah,

Melissa:
know,

Jenny Benitez:
exactly.

Melissa:
it's not, you know.

Jenny Benitez:
But it's important to know that it's not something that they're doing on purpose to discount or anything like that. And I'd like to call this out because... A lot of times, women will be like, start to get, you start to get down on your husband being like, oh, he doesn't help me. And look at these Instagram dads,

Melissa:
Who was that?

Jenny Benitez:
they're all in. And you kind of start comparing to other people. And that's a really slippery slope because then you start to be like, oh, well, he's not doing enough. And then it becomes fights and it goes, don't do that to yourself. Don't put yourself into that comparison like, core cycle, like it's like a hamster wheel. Like you're really never gonna get anywhere with that. So that's not the way to go in this kind of scenario. So yeah, like the mental load is real. It's a legitimate thing. It's backed up by actual research, but because we know that it's there and because we know that it's research-based, what can we do? Is there something that can be done? Like what's the impact here?

Melissa:
Well, it was really funny because I got to, so this was a BBC article, which I will share on our website once, which is getting ready to launch.

Jenny Benitez:
We're getting getting ready to launch.

Melissa:
But I really thought it was interesting because at the end of this article, because first I just kind of did a light Google search and then I got into some of the heavier studies, but... in the mainstream article was saying that women basically, so hold on, let me back up. So on a societal level, they're like, there needs to be a reframe about some of our deep-seated beliefs about what responsibilities land on mothers and fathers. But obviously that's a long-term

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
type of goal. Then they talked about policy, which, also is a long-term

Jenny Benitez:
very

Melissa:
type

Jenny Benitez:
long-term

Melissa:
of goal,

Jenny Benitez:
goal.

Melissa:
which they were saying, like, men who take paternity leave do more child care later, so we need to make sort of these policy changes and workplaces where men are able to take actual paternity leave and those kind of answers. And again, I was like, all right, that's kind of more long-term, right? But in the absence of policy, they were like the best way for women to reduce sort of the mental load is their answer was just to do less. And they were like, initially, there's going to be probably growing pains to doing so, but to to basically achieve any sort of long term gain for your family. Mothers just have to stop thinking about what needs to be done.

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
And then hopefully the father will anticipate the needs down the line. And I was like, wait, how is that actually,

Jenny Benitez:
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Melissa:
how is that? I was like, wait, I was so on board with everything. I was like, yes, the cognitive labor, the emotional labor. I was like, yes, so on point. And then I got to this point and the article was like, wait, stop.

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah, that last part, I don't know how realistic that last

Melissa:
I was

Jenny Benitez:
part

Melissa:
like,

Jenny Benitez:
is.

Melissa:
how is that realistic? I was like, okay, so their answer is do less. How? Tell me how.

Jenny Benitez:
Well, I will say this, okay, my initial reaction is like, okay, it's actually pretty enraging to hear something like that because it's almost like when you look up, if you ever Google like, this infuriates me to no end. If you Google stuff like, oh, you know, what to do for postpartum depression and you get answers like take a walk. And I'm like, I'm gonna take a walk right up to your face and I'm gonna kick you right in your mouth. Like it just, it's astounding. Like how ridiculous some of the suggestions are for women to like deal with their situations. However, that aside, let me put that enraged Jenny,

Melissa:
What a pin

Jenny Benitez:
let me

Melissa:
in that for-

Jenny Benitez:
put a pin in that and put her to the side. I will say, again, it's taken me 39 and a half years to get here. What I've been doing most recently is making it a point as uncomfortable as it makes me. to step back and actually do less. This most like most of the time, this translates to I just have to do whatever it is I've pushed off later. But it is starting to help me slow down and take a minute. And Jenny, you don't have to get everything done in one day. Case in point. I'm going to share with everybody. My kids were keen today on cleaning out their rooms and gutting their rooms and rearranging their furniture. And this is something I've done with them since they were little. They were three years old and I had them helping me out with cleaning. And so for today, I said, okay, well, guys, put everything you don't want in my office and everything else goes back into your rooms. This is what we're working on today. This is my Saturday project with them. their rooms look gorgeous. My office, which I'm sitting in right now, is

Melissa:
I'm sorry.

Jenny Benitez:
a nightmare of anxiety just jammed in because

Melissa:
I'm so sorry.

Jenny Benitez:
I just, I can't even look to the right. There's, I mean, it's just, it's painful. But I, when their rooms were done, I had been feeling already the stress of it and having to deal with that. And I think it was about three o'clock or so, I was like. Okay, Jenny, I know you really want to dig into the office now, but if you do, you're going to be resentful. So you have to step away, go do your virtual class with Kathy Heller and like, just do something that you need to do for yourself. That's going to bring you back into, you know, alignment where you're feeling like, okay, I took care of what they wanted. I, you know, got to like do my stuff and now I get to have an evening where, oh, we're actually recording in the evening today. So, you know, it's just, it's one of those things where like, not necessarily like, okay, I know do less sounds nuts and then there's certain phases of your kids' lives and your lives are you're not going to ever be able to do less. But at some point you're going to be able to like take a step back and balance it someplace else. So there's like a balancing act to it. Now, am I going to be looking at this massive pile? in my room all week? Yes, probably. I'm going to look at this massive

Melissa:
Thank you.

Jenny Benitez:
pile

Melissa:
Bye.

Jenny Benitez:
all week and it's going to irritate me, but I'm going to let it be because it's not hurting me. Maybe it is mentally, but it's not physically hurting me. And it's just one of those things where it's like, you have to just prioritize. And I think I've talked about this a couple of times. Like you guys know, my favorite method is the glass ball rubber roll method. Like if you're experiencing that mental load strain, which all of us are like shout out to my stepdaughter. We were literally just talking about this the other day. Like she's stressed. She has two young kids. Like it's stressful. It's a lot. And just having to like balance that is, it's a tremendous amount of work, but you do get through it. You get the hang of it. You'll be able to pick certain things that you can pick up and then like stay, scale back on others. Melissa,

Melissa:
And

Jenny Benitez:
go ahead.

Melissa:
you

Jenny Benitez:
What

Melissa:
know,

Jenny Benitez:
about you?

Melissa:
I was thinking, you know, during the week as I was thinking about this, I was, I think another part of this journey is, for me at least, and this might not be for everyone, but for me is sort of acceptance because... I was thinking about this, I definitely hear you on doing less and I do think like on a day to day basis, the glass verse rubber ball scenario is definitely how I approach things now. But I also think part of this is sort of acceptance of, okay, like if I'm going to carry more of the mental load of motherhood or parenthood. then I'm not going to feel guilty if I have to, you know, if my husband, my partner has to pick up some of the maybe more of the the manual tasks, right? Like

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
the manual labor, like, okay, this week, trying to figure out all the logistics for the the recital or figuring out like, okay, I was trying to focus on preschool for next year and looking into schools like that. So if I'm taking on those tasks, I'm not going to feel bad if my partner is picking up maybe some more of the household cleaning or some of the extra loads of laundry or those sorts of things. And sort of not embracing that, okay, motherhood has to come with this heavy mental load, but but sort of saying, okay, if I'm taking on this, then my partner is able to do maybe handle that instead. You know?

Jenny Benitez:
I think I'm with you and I think that like the acceptance factor is a huge chunk of it because if you're trying to fight, you're literally fighting a natural current that is fast and furious and will take you out basically. So not fighting it, but leaning into it and making that flow like work

Melissa:
work for

Jenny Benitez:
for

Melissa:
you,

Jenny Benitez:
you.

Melissa:
right, for your

Jenny Benitez:
is

Melissa:
family.

Jenny Benitez:
really gonna be important. And that's why I always bring up the whole comparison factor because that's again, people you get into trouble with this because you start to have, you know, maybe you have some frenemies that are pointing out to you like, oh, well, you know, my husband does X, Y and Z, yours doesn't do this. Let's like, don't go down that road because that's not your husband. Your husband is your husband. You picked your husband. You guys picked each other. There is a mutual line of respect there. that you have to maintain. And having kids is really tough. My kids tell us all the time, like when they see that myself and my husband are getting like grouchy, they tell us all the time like, ooh, boy, having kids is tough. And we're like, yeah, it's really, Melissa pictured their little voices being like, wow, mommy, like

Melissa:
So tough,

Jenny Benitez:
having

Melissa:
Mommy.

Jenny Benitez:
kids is so hard. Or they'll tell us having twins is really hard. We're like, we know. It's tough. It is. It's tough on all of us, but maintaining that still like that mutual respect and making sure that you are making it work for you is going to be like really crucial. Smalls.

Melissa:
And knowing who you are, because again, for me, even prior to having my daughter, this is how I was wired. And again,

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah.

Melissa:
maybe that's part of socialization, but this is what I do for a living. I'm a researcher. Like, I'm literally

Jenny Benitez:
That's true.

Melissa:
a researcher. So I've always leaned that way. I take on the mental load myself. Like as much as I might complain about it, you know. Or, you know, when I'm talking to my colleague and saying, yeah, no, I understand and I sympathize. But I do it to myself to a certain extent because even if my husband wanted to, you know, take over being sort of like the family planner or the family worrier or whatever, that's just how I naturally am. This is how I was before we had children. This is how I was before we were married. So I know. part of that. That's why I'm when I say acceptance, it's not like I'm accepting or embracing something that goes against who I am. It's part of me sort of leaning into it a little bit is because this is how I'm wired. So like really knowing you who you are and and understanding that and how you can use that to your advantage and strengthen your family I think is is a key part of this, you know.

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah, I think that knowing yourself and knowing your husband is actually going to be both it is both important points there because you like for example, I already know and mostly everybody knows that I guess what Oh, honey, hold on one second. I'm recording. Okay.

Melissa:
I love these moments.

Jenny Benitez:
Oh, boy. Just one second. Okay. Wait for mommy. Okay. Yeah.

Melissa:
Guys, we weren't lying to you. We squeezed this in. Well, we can.

Jenny Benitez:
So, what I was going to say was that, you know, when you're having kids or whatever, that like, you know, knowing almost like what you're getting into basically is like, I know like my biggest thing is like I have a hard time asking for help. And this has just been my entire life. I don't like asking for help. I'm always very much

Melissa:
ever.

Jenny Benitez:
like I'm going to do it myself ever. You're

Melissa:
Literally,

Jenny Benitez:
right.

Melissa:
Jenny's appendix was bursting, literally. And she

Jenny Benitez:
And I

Melissa:
was

Jenny Benitez:
drove

Melissa:
like, No,

Jenny Benitez:
myself.

Melissa:
I'm fine. Leave me alone. I have work to do. I have to get things done. Like, wait, no, no, you really don't look well. Like,

Jenny Benitez:
It's like, Jenny, Jenny, your appendix burst, please let us get you an ambulance.

Melissa:
please let us help you.

Jenny Benitez:
No, I have a really hard time asking for help. This is my problem. So who am I to get mad that what my husband was supposed to read my mind, that I'm frustrated when I didn't verbalize that and I didn't ask for help? And I'm going to be like devil's advocate here because I know a lot of women would probably be like jumping all over me for this. But if you don't say it out loud.

Melissa:
I'm going to go ahead and close the video.

Jenny Benitez:
I need some help. Who was the mind reader? Unless you married a mind reader, like you really can't anticipate that he's going to just jump in and be like, oh, let me get that for you. If you've never asked for help, you're not going to get help. If you've never expressed, I'm frustrated, I'm drowning, I need some help. You know what, could you watch the kids for me so I can just get 10 minutes to myself. If you've never actually said it. Well, then guess what? You're never actually gonna get it and you're gonna continue on the path that you're on and feeling frustrated. You have to verbalize, you gotta say something. And then, yeah, of course, there's gonna be some, like a little shock in the beginning if you've never asked for help before, but like, you just work your way through it, like you get there. So I like to talk about that too, because then there's again, a whole school of people out there, school of women that are like. Oh no, it should always be 50-50 year old. They should just know. I'm like, how will they know though? Unless you've said something.

Melissa:
Yeah, and 50-50 again looks different in different households because

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
we do in this, in this, in our house, we do try to split things 50-50, but let me preface that by saying week to week that might look different.

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
Also it, it we play into each other's strengths. So it's not everything like, okay, cleaning. Oh, it's split 50-50. No, but

Jenny Benitez:
Oh no.

Melissa:
you know what I mean? Like I, if I cook, then he'll clean, you know what I mean? So we split it up evenly, but it's going to be different tasks. And it's, and some weeks are just heavier for one of us than the other. And I think that's a net, you know, a normal thing.

Jenny Benitez:
You know, I actually really like what you said just now in terms of like, it's 50-50, but not an exact split. So like, for example, in our house, we're a very traditional household in

Melissa:
They

Jenny Benitez:
the sense

Melissa:
are.

Jenny Benitez:
of, yeah.

Melissa:
More so than us.

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah, we're a very traditional household, which seems a little odd, I think, probably for most people to hear this from me, but we're traditional here. I am. the homemaker, like I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, like all that jazz. All it's a lot of work. It is. And I frequently get frustrated. Frustrated. Everybody hears about it at home, but it is my role here and it's part of what I wanted. And so again, I'm sure there's some listeners that are like, are you freaking kidding me right

Melissa:
Thank

Jenny Benitez:
now?

Melissa:
you.

Jenny Benitez:
But

Melissa:
Bye.

Jenny Benitez:
when I, when Chris and I got together, I, I knew he was a traditional. and I was like, but this is what I want. I want a traditional person. That's the kind of marriage I want. So again, who am I to be mad about that? I already signed up for it. Now, the part that I'd like to highlight here is that while I might be taking the brunt of the household chores, well, he also does all the outside household chores, but beyond that, the... significance of his impact on the discipline of our children and making sure our kids are like really getting that very strong core base is it far outweighs folding laundry in my book. It far outweighs all that other stuff and it's much more critical to me that he leans in so hard and work so hard on our kids.

Melissa:
Yeah, no, no, agreed. Again, it's sort of just embracing what works for your

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
family and what that split of responsibilities ultimately looks like

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
on a day-to-day, weekly basis, whatever. It's gonna look different from family to family.

Jenny Benitez:
Right, exactly, and that's okay. That's

Melissa:
And what

Jenny Benitez:
the big,

Melissa:
the priority is

Jenny Benitez:
yeah.

Melissa:
for you, for you, for you yourself, you know?

Jenny Benitez:
Exactly, and that's like the big component here. And there's something that we're probably gonna say on almost every single episode, you have to find and maintain the balance that's working for you. And what's working for you is not gonna work for anybody else, you know? And that's the part, again. that people go down that slippery slope of comparison and, oh, well, so and so over there, like her husband, you know, bathes the kids and feeds the kids and does this and does that and my husband doesn't do that and blah, blah, blah. Okay, well, who cares? Like that's not your husband. Like you pick this person. Like, you know, you pick them for a reason. Remember that reason. And don't forget that when the times get tough, like that's, there's, you know, there's a balance there that will come out eventually. So you know, don't play that whole. you know, comparison game, you're not going to win it. No one's going to be happy with that. And then also not for nothing, but the grass is not always greener. I mean, nobody errors their dirty laundry, which is fine. Things are meant to be kept personal. Like I don't think everything should be out in the open, but at the same time, you might be comparing yourself to another couple that appears to be perfect, but you really don't know. And you know, everyone has their... glossy images. I mean, like how many times, you know, we take pictures as a family and it's like, oh, that picture came out nice, but you know, you didn't hear the screaming in between and the frustration and what have

Melissa:
All right.

Jenny Benitez:
you. So yeah, like you kind of, you have to go with what works for you, you know, and the same thing with here, the mental load of motherhood, it's a legitimate thing and it is exhausting. And I feel it on a daily basis and like how many times... Cousin, how many times do I text you during the week being like, oh my God, that's it.

Melissa:
But...

Jenny Benitez:
That's it, this

Melissa:
Is that

Jenny Benitez:
is it.

Melissa:
okay now?

Jenny Benitez:
It broke me today, it broke me. I was crying in the shower again. Like it just, you know, like it happens.

Melissa:
Yeah, no, and I think, but the reason I wanted to sort of bring this to the podcast, bring this to the table was one, being able to actually understand what the mental load is besides

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
just stress,

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah.

Melissa:
what is crucial because when you could put your finger on it, then you have an understanding, right? And with that understanding comes the ability to sort of balance that out. Now

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
that balance is gonna look different, just like we've been talking about. Your balance looks different from mine and how so the household, but once you understand it, you will be able to sort of carve out your own balance for your family. And thirdly, you don't have to feel guilty about it.

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah,

Melissa:
Like

Jenny Benitez:
that's big.

Melissa:
being able to read about this and look at the research, again, nerding out, but. It allowed me like, okay, yeah, you know what? I'm going to be 100% honest with myself. I do carry the heavier mental load, but saying that out loud, it allows me not to feel guilty that this week, full honesty, Matt really did cover my butt in the house. He was cleaning, he cooked one night, like. And I would, I sort of felt guilty about that. And, but, you know, under sort of understanding these types of things. I'm like, okay, we're going to have weeks. Yeah. Like I was doing a lot of research into preschools and, and finding out the best sorts of, you know, uh, options for us and, and then handling all the logistics, getting me into the rehearsals and doing all this stuff. So that's the way it fell this week. Um, but again, I was sort of feeling guilty about that. And then once I had this conversation and was able to sort of understand and, and look at this head on, I'm like, you know what? That's, that's what the balance looked like this week for our family.

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm.

Melissa:
Um, but yeah, so that's why again, not saying like, you know, some, some of the, some of the, the tips and the answers in these articles, I was like, yeah, that's just not going to work. That's just not

Jenny Benitez:
I know,

Melissa:
realistic.

Jenny Benitez:
yeah, not realistic.

Melissa:
But. But it still had sort of a positive impact on me. And I actually felt a switch kind of like, I felt like, okay, like I was able to put my finger on it. I was able to understand it and process it. And it's another tool in the toolbox. You know

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-hmm,

Melissa:
what I mean?

Jenny Benitez:
exactly. And I think that I'd like to kind of bring us full circle. And I know we're going to talk about key takeaways in a minute, but just really quickly, I want to help bring it full circle. So just a reminder, the mental load of motherhood, cognitive labor, which is thinking about all the practical elements of the household, there's the emotional labor, maintaining the family's emotions, which is a whole job. And then, the combination, the intersection of the two, is the mental load. So you have the cognitive, which is thinking through everything, the emotional component, and putting those two together is what drains you, essentially.

Melissa:
Mm-hmm.

Jenny Benitez:
But it's finding that balance. Melissa, any other key takeaways from your side?

Melissa:
I think that's it. And again, you know, do what works for you. And don't feel guilty about it. Because I think that's the biggest thing for me sometimes is like that, that guilt factor or, you know, am I doing the best job? Am I doing what's right for our family life, for our home life, for our marriage? And it's like, okay, you know, putting that extra worry on yourself day in day out doesn't help anybody, you

Jenny Benitez:
Mm-mm.

Melissa:
know, and, and again, if people talked about this more, talked about the mental load of motherhood, talked about like, the sort of the way things sort of naturally like the, the response, the way responsibilities fall on mothers versus fathers, not saying that there isn't equal responsibility falling on fathers, it's just different kinds, right?

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah.

Melissa:
So being able to to understand that and then work with it, I think it is huge. And then you don't have that guilt factor, you know? So it's just overall just making your life easier as you're going through this journey. So, I think that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed this video. If you did, please like, share, and subscribe. And if you haven't already, you can find me on Instagram at

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah, 100%. So thank you everybody for joining us for this week's episode. We have some launches coming, our website is gonna be launching

Melissa:
Yes!

Jenny Benitez:
shortly. And then feel free to reach out to us. Melissa, you wanna shout out our social?

Melissa:
Oh, yes. So if you want to find us on Instagram, come see us at Steel Roses Podcast. That's our handle name. And then if you want to just write in, it will be SteelRosesPodcast at gmail.com. We tried to make it as simple as possible to to get in touch with us. And again, we're going to be launching our website really soon. So it's going to be another way that you can. Um, engage with us and, and drop us a line. We, we appreciate our listeners so much

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah.

Melissa:
and, um, we're going to be, um, paying it forward because we have a lot of plans set up and also, um, listen for, we're going to put that, that mini, uh, mini-sode together. Um, we keep hearing now that we have listeners that again, are not just our family and friends. So we're going to get those bios to you soon as well.

Jenny Benitez:
Yeah, which is incredibly hard to do, by the way. Have you ever tried to write about yourself? It's incredibly hard.

Melissa:
Yeah. Hahaha.

Jenny Benitez:
But yeah, we'll have that forthcoming as well as some merchandise that's gonna be forthcoming for some lucky folks. Yeah, and continue to reach out to us. We'd love to hear topic requests. We definitely, we want to make sure that we're covering off on things that are real important and important to all of us and just kind of hit. hit home with people and make everyone feel a little less crazy, perhaps a little less crazy. So again, thank you everybody for listening and we'll see you next week.

Melissa:
Next week, see you.