From Darkness to Empowerment: Marica Phipps Johnson's Inspiring Path to Healing

When you hear Marica Phipps-Johnson speak, you're not just listening to a story, you're being invited into a life that has overcome unimaginable challenges. Our latest guest, a beacon of hope and resilience, opens up about her survival from domestic abuse and the creation of her organization, Battered Not Broken. She doesn't just tell her tale; she dissects the early warning signs, takes us through the harrowing escalations, and shares the indomitable spirit required to break free and forge a path of empowerment for herself and others.

In this episode, we wade through the murky waters of codependency, boundary setting, and the psychological aftermath of abuse. Marica's insights are a stark reminder of how vital it is to trust your instincts and the struggles women face when societal pressures muffle that inner voice. You'll hear how she tackled the conflicting emotions tied to her abuser, the gripping fear during a near-fatal attack, and her strategic triumph to escape. Her narrative is interlaced with critical discussions on self-awareness and the courage to make choices that ensure personal happiness and safety.

By the end of our conversation, you'll find yourself moved by the transformative power of shared experiences and the importance of community support in the healing journey. We discuss tangible steps survivors can take towards self-protection, the role of personal transformation in finding new love, and the impact of storytelling in empowering others. Marika's voice is a clarion call for action—not just for survivors but for anyone looking to make lasting changes in their lives. Join us as we navigate through this powerful testament to human strength and the capacity for rebirth in the aftermath of darkness.

Looking for more? Check out the links below.
https://www.batterednotbroken.org/
https://www.facebook.com/batterednotbroken1

Transcript

Jenny Benitez: 0:01

Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of Steel Roses podcast. This podcast was created for women, by women, to elevate women's voices. I am super excited. Today I have a really fabulous guest to share with all of you Marika Phipps Johnson. Marika is basically this vibrant light and she's going to tell you her story, but she is all of the things. She is a female entrepreneur, a survivor of domestic abuse, mom, life coach. She wears all the hats and she is the CEO and founder of Battered Not Broken. So, marika, welcome to the show.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 0:39

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for having me here. I was honored when you reached out and asked me to come, so thank you so much.

Jenny Benitez: 0:46

Oh, it's truly my pleasure. Yeah, tell the listeners a little bit about yourself. They would love to hear your story.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 0:52

Do you have enough time for me to tell?

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 0:54

you all of the story, because some of this stuff I can't make up. It just is crazy. I am a mom first and foremost, I think before anything I'm a mama. I'm a mama bear. I have five kids, three biological and two are my bonus kids. I have a husband. We have a dog named Kobe, a German shepherd that drives me crazy Just the normal family things.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 1:21

But beyond that, I am a survivor of domestic abuse and it's funny because when people ask me a little bit about who I am so long that has become part of my identity, right. So sometimes I try to step outside of that because I am so many more things outside of this survivor, ceo and founder of Batter, not Broken. But at the same time it's hard for me to find myself outside of that because now it's just a part of my identity and my DNA. So again, I am a survivor of domestic abuse and I, oh I had been in several just dysfunctional relationships, but I think by far the most memorable is the one that I had with my ex, which is the I don't even like to call him a father, but he is the bio of my youngest daughter and I met him at a time. I met him in two, what is it? 2006.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 2:30

And I met him. I had a lot going on in my own life. I had just lost my grandmother, I was struggling with stuff at my work, I'd lost my cousin too. Like it was just a crazy time going on in my life. And so when I met him I kind of I clung on to him, right, so I could I would say I'm okay to say that I was clingy, right. I was kind of like I'll tell you all my secrets up front, like I'll tell I'll just, and he, what shall I say? He didn't shy away from that. So early, very early on, we just we just clicked and things went rather quickly. And I actually hear that story from a lot of women who have been in similar relationships, where they say it just happened like really fast.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 3:22

And it just swept me up off my feet and, like my parents loved him and you know, whereas my, with my two older children, the father wasn't present. So having this man that did come into my life and was like really trying to invest in my kids and myself, it was like this is perfect, this is just too good to be true. And and then at some point it was too good to be true, I got pregnant really quickly with Maya, my youngest daughter, and I mean like really quickly, like within the first month that we met and and so now I'm just in, I'm locked in, right, and but it was, it's crazy because as soon as I locked in, that's when I started seeing those signs and I started, you know, like the flags were there. They just weren't as bright, but they were there, right. He had told me that he had lost a child before and that they had said that he had killed the kid, and so little tiny things started to just go off for me and fire for me. And it was the worst pregnancy I'd ever had. It was horrible, like, and I've my other two pregnancies were by myself, three pregnancies, I've carried four children but it was horrible. It's almost like once I got pregnant, he started treating me worse, and so it wasn't physical, but it was very much emotional, and I then at the time I didn't know what emotional abuse was, I just just went along with it, right. And now, at this point, I'm locked in because I don't want to have another child out of wedlock. So I'm going to stick with it, and and so he.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 5:06

I think at some point he moved in and had the baby, of course, and Maya was about 18 months, I'd say 18 months. And the first time he had become physical with me was the day after mother's day, and this particular year he had just lost his mother. So the household was struggling, right, like he was emotional, it was just, it was a lot, but it turned out to be one of the best Mother's Days, right, that I had had at that time. And the next day he called me. We were fussing on the phone about something I don't remember what it was, girl, because like we fought, so it was so dysfunctional, it was horribly dysfunctional, like the arguments ran together and, um, we were fussing and fighting about something and I hung up the phone on him and he comes home and we had dinner left over from the night before. So I'm now making my plate, making my daughter's plate.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 6:07

I have another daughter that was home she was seven at the time and we're just going through our routine and he comes in and he's just yelling and cussing and fussing and I'm like leave me alone. I go to my room, shut the door and he kicks the door open and I'm holding my baby and I'm holding my plate and he just he comes up and grabs me up by my throat and tosses me against the door, the window, the wall. I'm sorry and I'm in shock because I, because, just because, right, like this has never happened before my baby's on the floor crying. I'm just like what the hell? So immediately he starts to apologize and I'm like keep your apology, just get out right. So I'm upset. So then he's like okay. So then he starts fussing back at me. So we're cussing, we're fussing.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 7:02

My youngest daughter, who happened to be on the phone with my mom, was like well, grandma, they're really fussing and fighting, like you need to come. And my mom is like it's okay, like they do that all the time, like let's just, you know. So my mom is now trying to console my oldest daughter, having her read a book or something, I think, while we were fighting to keep her, and she said no, grandma, like I think this is really different, like I really think you need to come, and at some point in the middle of us going back and forth and fussing and fighting, he pushes me down the steps and, and the last thing I remember was seeing his foot over top of my face and I was going to say you better not kick me. And that's all I recall, like I don't remember anything else. When I did wake up, I was in the hospital. Apparently he you know trigger warning, but apparently he had kicked me multiple times in my head and body and so I endured subdural hemorrhaging in my brain. Thank God, my mom came.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 8:13

I often call my Lexi that's my oldest daughter. She called my mom and that call saved my life, because I don't know what would have. I mean, I do know what would have happened. I wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for her. And the girls watched while he did that, like they. They watched him do what he did in front of my daughters and, as you can imagine, that's literally got both of my girls still at 22 and 17, still in therapy today because of that. And, girl, the crazy part is I took this man back. I took him back. I took him back I kid you not. Almost a week later, like a week to the day, almost later took him back, helped, bail him out of jail. I defied my own protection order that the judge gave me. It was tough, it was like me and you were just talking about just feeling out of sorts with this solar eclipse. That's how.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 9:23

I felt about just feeling out of sorts with this solar eclipse. That's how I felt. I felt like I was watching myself on the outside. I knew what I was doing wasn't the move. But I think when you are addicted to a person, the same way that people are addicted to substances, you don't see that way that people are addicted to, you know, substances. You don't see that. And I remember my mom just telling me she said I looked at you and I could see right through you, like you weren't even there.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 9:55

And I said I remember that moment that you're talking about, because I remember feeling like I wasn't there. I was just hollow on the inside and the best way I could explain it to my therapist was just, and my mom was. He was my drug and I like coke and crack. I knew it was going to kill me, but I was. I felt like I couldn't. Who's going to want me? Who's going to want me? This single parent mom now with three kids? Who's going to want me? Like, what am I going to do? Like he was my best, worst case scenario. Like, looking back on it, it sounds foolish, right, but in that moment, that's that's where my head was at. And, um, I stayed with him. Uh, we, you know, we stayed together. What that was? Almost two years in, we stayed together another five or six years, wow.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 10:50

So, in total you were together. What? Seven years? Almost, almost, almost 10, almost 10 years.

Jenny Benitez: 10:55

Wow.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 10:56

Almost 10. Let's see, I'm sorry it's eight, eight years, almost eight years, because my youngest was seven when I did leave and, girl, I went to therapy. I did all of these things that, like I knew I needed. I'd never gone to therapy before but I knew something was off, like I knew something's wrong with me, like because why would anybody take somebody back that made them look this way? Anybody take somebody back that made them look this way? And for me I had pictures, I had physical signs of, like you know, had evidence, whereas some women you don't have evidence, sometimes you don't have, you just feel it emotionally. But for me I had the emotional and the physical. And I remember going to my doctor and I said the therapist, and I showed her the pictures and I said what is wrong with me? And I took him with me, of course.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 11:46

So, codependent 101, I took him with me to therapy, thinking I'm going to fix him and me. And she said well, it's easy, honey. She said I can tell you you are the fact that he's sitting here with you now You're codependent, one and two, you have no boundaries. You have no boundaries because if you had boundaries, you wouldn't have let him cross them right. The fact that you have taken him back multiple times and that you're here, that definitely shows me that you have no boundaries. And so I said, okay. So I read Codependent no More by Melody Beatty, which is an amazing book. Okay, so read codependent no more by Melody Beatty, which is an amazing book, by the way.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 12:25

Learned about codependency, learned it's almost like an addict that you know. Once you're, you know you're an alcoholic. You, you always are. You're always working those steps. And so I learned to work those steps of codependency, started setting boundaries, felt like, okay, I'm gonna be gonna do this. And then I kid you not, I just. It's hard to heal when you got the same thing with you. It's hard to heal when you've got the same thing that's making you sick with you.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 12:58

And so I got to a point at the end of those nearly eight years that I was like, okay, this cannot be my forever, like this can't be it. I had gone through antidepressants and just I was just at a really this relationship was taking me out and I just felt like I needed something to change, so I decided to leave. I don't know, I think one day you just wake up and you're like is this it for me, or is there something else? And I, and then that's when I started saying, okay, this isn't going to work. Um, and so of course, we still live together and he's like um, now making all these changes, like he's giving me flowers and he's like writing love notes and like doing all this shit. It's like all the stuff I wanted him to do. Now you're doing it. And so I'm confused. I'm like okay, Okay.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 14:00

So maybe this is the one time he's going to get it together. And then what if I walk away this one time? And this was that time. So I'm torn. People ask women why do you stay? It's not that easy to walk away, especially when you have someone that you love, someone that you're invested in and you have the potential. I always tell people the reason I stayed was the potential. I felt like he had potential, I felt like we had potential. And well, boy, that potential can cloud the hell out of your judgment, right Like it. Just it can cloud everything. And but I was staying strong. I said I'm leaving 2013,. I decided um to. I went to my mother's. I think I had to pick up my son, take him to work, and I dropped him off at my mom's and I had just ran out. You know how it is sometimes. Like you know, you don't have to get out the car, so you just so. I just literally like have my robe on, have my little house coat on, right?

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 15:26

So I'm planning on going to wear. So I run out, so I have my nightgown on underneath my little house coat, and so I run into my parents to tell them hello, whatever. And in the moment that I met my parents, he calls me, he texts me and he emails me and I'm like what the hell? What is what? Again a flag that I knew felt weird, but it wasn't, as I don't know, I didn't know what to do with it. Right, just like, what are you doing? I'm talking to my parents. And so he's like well, you know, maya wants you. And so, again, maya is my baby, and so she's seven at the time. And and I said, okay, I'm on my way, cause I didn't want her to be, they didn't get along. It's weird, that's a whole nother conversation but they just did not ever get along since she was born. She did not like this man, um, and he was just really rough on her. So I wanted to make sure that I got home. I didn't want him to whip her, I didn't like him doing those things. So I'm like okay, let me, let me go.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 16:28

And so I told my mom, I said I'm, it's almost over, he's leaving in January. Right, so we had made the switch. He was staying in the basement, like we had planned, executed the new lease, with him off of it, like things were moving, things was in motion. And so my mom said, as I turned to tell her bye and I love her she said you just be careful. He's crazy. I want you to be careful. And I said oh, mom, it's okay, it's going to be fine, it's okay, it's going to be okay. And she said okay, I'm just telling you. I feel in my instinct, I need you to be careful. And, boy, when a mother gives you her door which he's never done before, literally ever he greets me at the door and he helps me take off my coat, and then, of course, I have my little house coat on underneath it. And I said what's going on? Where's Maya at? And he's like oh, she's in the basement. No-transcript. What, what, what, what, what, what do you need? And he's like are you cheating?

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 18:24

And I said, no, cause, like I'm not with you, we're not together. So what, what, what do you, what do you mean? And he said so he sits back and you know how a person that, just like they feel like they know something, you feel like they know something that you don't know, like that's the kind of like vibe and energy he was giving, and um, and I said, no, but, dude, what do you want? What, what, what? And he so he pulls up his phone and he shows me um a message, an email message that I had sent to a friend, um longtime friend that I had reconnected with on um Facebook, and so he's seeing the message. And he said so you're not talking to anybody. And I said, no, I'm not, I'm not talking to anybody. And so he says, said a whole bunch of other things.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 19:14

And I'm like, dude, get out, like leave me alone, like I'm not with you anymore, like what are you accusing me of? What are you? What are you me of? What are you? What are you, what, what? And so he gets up and he had given me um. About a week or so prior, he had given me this metal, like pole, it was like a I don't know where the hell he got this thing from. But it was like a metal pole and it had like um electric tape wrapped around it so like you could grip it, and so he gave it to me. He said so when I move out, if something should happen, this is like your protection right. So he gets it to me. He said so when I move out. If something should happen, this is like your protection Right.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 19:46

So, he gets the pole but he leaves, he runs downstairs with the pole. So I said, ok, not thinking I'm agitated, I'm irritated about this little conversation we had. And so I go to call my mom. So I shut the door and I go to call my mom to tell her. Like you're right, this damn man is crazy, like he's accusing me of cheating. And I go to and I'm trying to call her.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 20:10

But you know how sometimes you go to call and it like doesn't call, it doesn't go through, it's like do, do, do, yeah. And I'm like what the hell? So I'm calling, I'm trying to hurry up and get the call and I could hear him running up the steps and he goes to unlock the door, open the door doesn't open and then he just kicks the door in. So for me that's a flashback from hell. Right, that's a, that's a huge trigger for me. And so he kicks the door in and I run away into the bathroom, master bath, and I've got the phone behind my back and he says give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the phone. And I said, no, I'm not going to give you my phone. And so he gets the phone, reaches around me, grabs my phone breaks. My phone throws it. And I said well, what are you going to do? Are you going to hit me? What are you going to do Because he's right in my face? And he said, no bitch, I'm going to kill you. And it doesn't click for me. I still don't click. And I said and cockily I will say I said, well time he did that to me. So I was telling him I'm not going to go before that, I'm not going to help you this time. And he said it's okay, you're not going to have to because I'm going to kill you.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 21:33

And that moment is when I was like, okay, I'm in trouble, like I'm in trouble, and so I'm trying to, I'm trying to, I'm trying to figure out what the hell I need to do. I got my kid downstairs. He's bigger than me, what am I going to do? And so I said, okay, and I go to push him past me. And I, I've learned this too Don't ever put you back. I'm not going to, I'm going to always keep you in front of me.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 22:04

So half of my mistake was turning around and the next thing I knew he punched me in my head and then from that on, girl, it was a whole tussle. He literally tried to make good on his promise of trying to kill me and I don't know, you name it. He did it, he strangled me, he hit me in the head with the lamp, and so I'm worried now that he's going to like try to rape me or something, because I've got this nightgown on with nothing underneath, right. So I'm flailing all around here and so I'm like OK, what is he going to? What is he going to do? And at some point he he has me more trigger warnings. He has me on the floor and I'm face up and I'm real close to, like, the side of the wall, and so I'm already claustrophobic, so I'm feeling wedged in here, right. So he's over top of me, straddling me and he's strangling me and I'm screaming to him and I'm trying to beg him. And he said you should have thought of that before you sent that note, right? So he's talking about just communication, facebook shit that he's found on Facebook. And so I'm like he's jealous over a message that I sent someone, like this was his thing and that's what he kept chanting. Like you should have thought about that before you sent that message. You should have thought about that. And so, in between my gasp, I'm begging him to please let, please, please, don't kill, please, please, please. And so I feel my legs starting to literally go numb. So I'm feeling like, okay, this is it, this is it. And I'm literally laying there and I'm thinking this is it, this is the way I'm going to go out, this is it. And I'm almost like I'm agitated and I'm pissed because it's like, okay, I finally have found my way out of this relationship, life is starting to seem good, and now this is it. And it's like, if you've ever talked to anybody that talks about like near death experiences and how their life flashes before them, that is true, because I'm thinking of my mom. I'm thinking about this is going to take my mom out. We had just literally lost my aunt and my uncle that same year, and so I'm like this is going to kill my mother. I think about my daughter coming upstairs, my seven-year-old coming upstairs and finding me. I'm thinking about ruining Christmas, Like I'm thinking about all this stuff and at some point I just I felt like my last resort which I know shouldn't be your last, but it should have been my first was like I just screamed Jesus, jesus, jesus, jesus literally three times.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 24:58

And it was like at that moment he heard me and I had enough energy, right, it wasn't like this miraculous thing, but it was like a. It was like I had enough energy in me, enough air, because at this point he's strangling me and I can't breathe and it feels like I've ran a marathon so I'm out of energy. But in that moment I felt like, ok, I've got enough energy to get this man off of me. So I managed somehow to get him off of me and I get him off and he's standing over top of me and I go to kick him in his private parts and I think I hit him because I pissed him off. And he grabs me by the top of my hair and pulls me up and I can't tell you what that felt like. It hurt, like it hurt a lot to the point. I could feel I could feel, when you could, my hair was ripping Right. So at this point I'm like, ok, let me, let me try to help him get me up Right, Because at this point he's pulling my hair out, my head, and so he pulls me up and he slings me across the room, the bedroom, and my head hit the edge of the bathroom doorframe, just the right way, just the wrong way.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 26:19

However, you look at it and it split my head open, oh my God, literally like a knife. It was the perfect storm from the impact of how I hit it and the part of the door that I hit, and I start feeling, you know, I don't have glass, I wear contacts and glasses and so I don't have anything on. It's dark in the room because, remember, he hit me in the head with the lamp, so now the light is out and so I can't see. But I feel all this like warmth, I feel like this thick stuff, and it doesn't occur to me that's blood, right, and so I'm like I don't feel my adrenaline. I think it's so moving so fast. I can't, you know, feel the pain, but I feel like I got to get out of this room, and so I.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 27:08

You would think he'd be like, oh shit, let me leave her alone. Oh no, he kept coming for me. So he comes back, comes over to the door, grabs me by my throat again and he's now strangling me from behind, and in front of me was like one of those the mirrors, you know, like the full length mirrors that you get from, like Walmart, like full body mirrors or whatever that's in front of me. And so I feel like, okay, if I can get this thing and I can push it, flip it behind me, and I did. I finally found a way to reach forward as he's strangling me, and I flip it and I hit him over the head with it. It breaks glass, goes everywhere. He takes his hands off of me. But then I'm like, oh shoot, what if he tries to get, what if he, what if he tries to stab me with one of these pieces of glass? I'm like, okay, so let me hurry up, get to the steps.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 27:58

And it's funny that I'm thinking this. You know, as I'm saying it, but there wasn't that much time. This is literally all within like less than 60 seconds. This, like less than 60 seconds. This is happening.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 28:13

I get to the steps and maybe the second or third step, he's on top of me and now he's pulling me by my hair which, remember, some of it is split, like he split me to the middle of my head. So he's pulling that part of my wound and my head down the steps and we get towards the bottom and he slings me to the front door, slings me into the door and I can see now the blood cause my head, hit the the door or whatever. And um, and I'm like, okay, so this is, this is serious. And so I'm like, please, just let me go, please, don't kill him, please, let me go, please, please. And so he has me like in the corner of the door frame of the front door and he takes, he rips my nightgown off of me and I know I have kids with this man, but that's a very vulnerable feeling I'm I'm I'm feeling very vulnerable right now and at some point it's literally like somebody said cut, like it's a movie, and somebody said cut Cause he just he backed away and he stopped and he ran to the basement which was right around the corner.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 29:21

I heard him open the door. He runs down the basement. I go to run out the front door. That mother's intuition my life, my life intuition took over my mother's at that point and I opened the door. It was the first storm, snow storm that we had had. So there's about a good two inches now since I've been home to three inches of snow. And I run out that door with nothing on and I run next door to my neighbor's house and I'm banging on the door. It's about 1130 at night and nobody comes and something just says try to open the door. And God made sure that that door was unlocked for me. Their son had went out earlier that night and he forgot to lock the door, and so that's the only reason why that door was open. And I run in and of course I'm screaming and my neighbors I mean you got this woman, this Black woman, showing up, looking the way that I look?

Jenny Benitez: 30:29

And they're just like what is going on.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 30:31

And so the neighbor can't figure out how to open up her son's phone, because the son's phone was sitting there. And so I know that you can. Whether you can unlock a phone or not, you can still always dial 911. So I dial 911, tell the police what's happening, tell them I mean tell the operator what's happening that my daughter is still in the house next door. My neighbor, mike, goes to put his coat on to go to get her, and I said you can't go. I knew that he didn't like Mike, I don't know what is going to happen. So, like I, I couldn't as much as I wanted my baby, I didn't want to send him in that either to you know what I mean. And so I managed to call my mom, because 911 took forever to get there. I mean, the ambulance took forever because it was a snowstorm at that point and so it took them forever to get there. But my mom and the ambulance get there around the same time. They found my baby. She was in the basement underneath a blanket, and when the police come in they have guns drawn. So that's what she's seen. When she looked out of that blanket was guns pointed at her. So again you can imagine, while the poor kid is still in therapy today, but he didn't hurt my baby. What I do understand is that he had gotten a gun. She said he had reached down in a bottom. She said I seen him. He had reached down in the laundry. It was a laundry basket of something and he pulled something blackout, mom. And he ran upstairs later found that was a gun.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 32:13

And I'm just, I'm happy number one that I made it out and that he didn't hurt my daughter, because sometimes you hear people doing things like that or you know murder, suicides or different things, and, girl, when I tell you that has been, that was what 2013, and it's now 2024. And it is, I'm a hell of a lot better than I was then. Right, I've had surgery, I've had plastic surgery, I've had things to make that better, but it's the inside surgery, that inside work, that has been a hell of a journey, been a hell of a journey. It's been trying to find forgiveness, which I have right. I had to find forgiveness for him. I had to find forgiveness for myself. I had to.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 33:01

I didn't find out until after the fact, but he was cheating on me with my best friend, my former, I say I used to say best friend, and somebody stopped me one day. They were like wait, that was not your best friend. So, like my former best friend, um, so come to find out they had been together and um, they got married. Like about a month or so after that assault, they, they got married and um so trying to forgive her. They got married. And so trying to forgive her, trying to forgive him, trying to just understand what abuse was, because I didn't even really understand that I had endured or was enduring abuse before he ever put his hands on me. I didn't know what that was, I just felt like something was off. Something like this is different. This is different than any other relationship.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 33:58

And I didn't know what narcissism was, I didn't know what codependency was. So it was educating myself about the trauma that I had gone through and then trying to figure out how did I even get there? How did I meet him? How did I? How did I allow myself Remember, I told you I was clingy at the beginning so, like, how did I even allow myself to, to, to, to, to meet someone this way? Like what did I do to make me such a target, so to speak? And so I was raised by my great aunt, which is my mama. You know that's my mom, but I think there's still a lot of stuff that you unpack there, right. So I feel, always felt like I was being left and so I'm going to cling to people because I'm not going to give you the opportunity to leave me or I'm going to leave you first before you get like it can go either way, right that that, that dysfunction within ourselves.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 35:17

And so, just Girl, trying to do the work, trying to do that work, and still it's still a work.

Jenny Benitez: 35:25

Still it's still a work in progress still, it's still a work in progress, your story. I didn't want to interrupt you while you're going because your story it's the part that was wild to me, because the whole thing is wild. But when you said everything that I'm saying happened in less than 60 seconds that's actually what, like it took my breath away because it sounds like it sounded like a movie you were explaining. You know like it's crazy to hear it, cause I I have never experienced it. So I have an understanding that this happens and I know that this happens, but to to hear this and to have you sitting in front of me. So thank you, firstly for sharing, sharing what you went through with me and with the listeners, because this is not something that I think anybody talks about.

Jenny Benitez: 36:18

So, whether it's emotional or physical abuse, the shame typically is going to be felt by the woman, and we're going to internalize it and say, like, well, you're going to try to rationalize what, what the person is doing, oh, they're just freaking out because of this, or they're just being.

Jenny Benitez: 36:36

they're being really like possessive because they were in a bad past relationship. We'll fix it. You know, the more we're together and there's a lot of that that happens, that that all of us do I in my younger years was highly codependent and it took many years of therapy to break that cycle, and the only reason why I did that is because I had gone through, like so many bad situations that I was like, if I had a moment of, if I don't stop this now, I'm going to die or I'm gonna have this life that I don't want. And then what is that? What is that making of me? Like, what kind of life am I going to have if I continue doing what I'm doing? And so I did all this intensive work for a few years just trying to figure out, like me as a person. I want to like hold on one second. You had said a couple of things that I want to like go back to. So were you said, like you know, the flags were there, but they weren't as bright.

Jenny Benitez: 37:46

I thought that was a really impactful statement, because that's another area where I think women will ignore something on purpose and and so your gut instinct immediately will tell you like and ladies, everyone is listening. I want, I want you to hear this, because this is like really crucial. Your instinct is there for a reason.

Jenny Benitez: 38:11

Absolutely you have that feeling in your belly or in your chest or wherever. It is that you get that feeling? To listen to it. You have to listen to it. It is there for a reason. There's a barometer inside of you that's telling you there's danger in this situation. Don't ignore that.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 38:27

That little. You say two things to piggyback on that. So it's like the Gift of Fear. Just all these books I love, so the Gift of Fear. I don't know if you've ever read that by Gavin DeBecker and it's literally where he's talking about the gift of fear. Right, and not to give too much away. But he starts the book out with a woman you know trying to carry her groceries upstairs and there's this man that offers like I'll carry him for you, cause she seems like she's struggling and she's like he's like. She's like, nah, I'm good, I got it. And she's. He's like no, no, no, I'll help you. She's like, no, no, no, I got it.

Jenny Benitez: 39:02

And then she allows him to.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 39:04

to help her, he carries him up the steps and she knows that she should have followed her first gut and he pushes himself into her apartment and grabs her Right. So you've got to have that little gift of fear. That's a gift, that little thing, that little nudge. You talk about that little. I call it discernment. And the more that we learn to listen to it, the more. The more it's like it strengthens us, the more like it's like strengthening a muscle right.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 39:35

So, like you, just know that, you know you don't need no explanation, like some don't feel right, I'm just that's what it is. And then the second part is when a person shows you who they are. Believe them the first time. That's my favorite quote by Maya Angelou and you know I I share this often in my presentations. It's a little, a little video where she's telling that to Oprah they're, they're having a girl's day and she's telling her and she says you know, when a person shows you or they tell you even I am a bad person, I'm a and you're like, no, you couldn't be, you couldn't do that. No, no, no.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 40:13

And then when they hit you in the head and they're like boop, and you're like, well, what happened? And they're like I told you I was a bad person, I told you who I was. I told you that and you wanted to see what you wanted to see. You talked about rationalizations. You want to see what you want to see and again, for me it was a potential. I stayed because of what I seen in him, but that wasn't even there. It wasn't even a thing.

Jenny Benitez: 40:39

You also said something else and I've actually heard this from other women. You also said something where you said that you also, besides the potential, stayed because you were like, well, I already had two other kids, I don't want to do this again by myself, and I have heard that from. I heard that from somebody else who was getting married and they got engaged and they were going through the motions excitement, flowers, what have you but all the while she kept having this feeling that it wasn't quite right. And then, a week before the wedding, invitations are out, venue is booked, every dress is everything you know, whatever. The week before the wedding, she found out that the person she was marrying was like in total dire financial straits, had never told her about any of this, was about to foreclose on his home, like he made it sound like he was this, you know, top executive, and the whole thing was a sham.

Jenny Benitez: 41:45

And she still got married and then got divorced. And then got divorced a couple years later because she knew in her gut. And when she found that out she said to me I was embarrassed and I didn't want to cancel the wedding because I was afraid of what it was going to look like.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 42:04

Oh yeah, there's a lot of women that do that. I've heard very similar stories to that too. Right Women getting ready to get married and they just now, everybody's involved, everybody knows. And now you feel like you're going to look, like you're you know. But yeah, I'm, and yes, I did not want to be the single mom again. Three kids now with no man, like my family is going to be looking at me like, well, what is it? Is it you? What is going on? Why you can't you know what I mean.

Jenny Benitez: 42:31

And then even in that note. Even on that note, though it's more that also and this is like something that I've actually I work on quite a bit because, for me personally, because I have, for a long time in my life, was trying to live up to well, I don't want these people to say this or I'm trying to fulfill these expectations, or this is where I'm supposed to be, and I was living my life like that for a really long time. And then it hit me the one day where I was like I'm literally not living a life for myself, I'm living my life for all these other people. I have to pop this bubble Now.

Jenny Benitez: 43:05

This wasn't as intense as what you went through. But I want to draw the parallel for the listeners, because this is a big deal, this is a really big discussion and you know what Marika is sharing with her about, with you guys, about like, how she, what she went through, what she went through. There are these triggers from the beginning and there was these signs from the beginning and you know, thank God you did survive. And you know, thank God you did survive. And you know, thank God that you were able to like flight and get out of there and like that the cops like, honestly it's, it's a miracle that you're sitting here and recording with me.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 43:41

It is sure Gives me chills, gives me chills Every now and again. I'll look back over some of this story myself. Right, and because I share a lot. Right, I'm pretty open and honest about what it is. But then sometimes, when I'm really like sitting by myself and I'm thinking about you know, sometimes you tell a story so much it's just you don't really think about it, yeah.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 44:05

But when I really sit down and I really think about it, it's just like wow, like I actually was looking back. Oh, what was it? Victim impact statements. I had given a victim impact statement before he was sentenced and I hadn't seen that in a long time, like if we have recording of it, and I posted it on my site and I sat there and I listened to it and that's what prompted me. There was a lady that reached out to me about victim impact statements and so I was trying to find that recording and that article or whatever to share with her and happened to listen to it.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 44:45

And I'm reading it, reading my impact statement in court to the judge and him and I have not heard that in years and I'm reading it and I'm tearing up and I don't really cry no more when it comes to this Right, that's how I know I've. I've healed so much because it doesn't make me cry like that anymore. Those pictures don't. The pictures are there to grab people's attention, let them see what this looks like, but they don't hurt me in that way. But listening, and my daughter, my seven-year-old daughter, read her impact statement with her little fierce and courageous self and I remember hearing hers, thinking people are gonna think I helped her with this. But she wrote that herself and hearing her read hers and me read mine and detailing the fear I felt, all the things me and my children had to go through, that is what took me back to a place that triggered for me of just how crazy this situation was and how so it doesn't get me often. But going back, sometimes it's like I am doing good to be here, like by the grace of God, right. But that's that's where batter not broken came from.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 46:06

I felt like when I, when they got me in that ambulance um the second assault, I told you I thought I was done. I thought I was sure as good as dead. I knew it, I felt it. And when I got in that ambulance and they're trying to do whatever all they're doing to me and all I can say is just thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus. And I remember thinking these people probably think what is wrong with this lady, like how are you thankful to be sitting here looking like this? But I was grateful just to be in that space and I knew that I had to do something with it. I knew that I had to do something with it. So now we're at this big ugly scar. Before I had revision surgery on it, we called it the worm because it was such a hideous scar.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 46:51

And I remember, before I went back to work, what am I going to tell people? Yeah, like, am I going to tell them it's a car accident? Like I had a whole plan in place, I had a whole lie ready. And then I thought, no, why am I lying for him? Because I'm lying to protect what he did.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 47:09

And so I just felt like the first assault was horrible, that that was more. That one was more, that was more fatal almost than the second one, but it healed my face, healed my brain, sort of somewhat healed that everyday. And it still is that everyday reminder. That was like, okay, I'm still here, so I got to do something with it. I got to make it count. I got to make it count this time Laying on that floor when I screamed. What I screamed was literally my agreement that I made you come get me, you come save me, I'm going to do something. I'm going to do something with this. And that's where this battered, not broken, came from. It's trying to help other people to not be me. I wish there was somebody that would have told me what to look for, what the signs were, what I was missing. I didn't know what the hell gaslighting meant.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 48:13

I didn't know none of this stuff. I had no idea. I'm thinking I'm going crazy. He makes me feel like I'm going crazy, to the point. I literally Jenny I used to keep a like a little notebook of things because my memory was bad.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 48:29

Obviously, I struggled with memory issues because of the brain trauma. But he would say to me well, you know, you can't remember anything. Well, you know you can't. Well, I wonder why I can't remember anything Like I wonder why. And so he'd say you didn't tell me that, you didn't say that. Or no, I told you. Or he'd say, well, you know the last time. And I'm like no, I don't remember doing that. And he would be gaslighting the hell out of me, right? So that's where me trying to keep this little book came into play, because I can't, I can't figure out if this is real or if it's not, or so you know, you, just living in a relationship like that, living in a toxic environment like that, it makes it hard for women to leave. Yeah, because I can't trust my own judgment at this point.

Jenny Benitez: 49:20

And that's really like what I will say, and I want to point out here too, because the leading up to it, so, and especially for the listeners who are listening to this, the leading up to what happened, and even after the first assault he was undermining your sanity, basically and even after the first assault, he was undermining your sanity, basically. And he was planting these little seeds of doubt so that you would then be like, well, maybe I can't leave, basically.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 49:47

It really is what it is.

Jenny Benitez: 49:49

It's seriously a control, like I'm going to control this person. And in doing what he did, he made you feel like you were the crazy person and that, like, well, you know you, you need him and and then, even on top of it, you're layering, on top of it, you were protecting him, because there's a component there where I'm sure that you felt trauma, bonding that's what trauma bonding, I'm sure you felt shame for what was going on.

Jenny Benitez: 50:14

You were probably embarrassed, like I'm like spitballing, but I'm going to assume that, like you felt all this and you were like, well, I can't do anything about this. Now I wanted to tell the listeners what drew me to Marika was that it was very random and I was Googling and I found Battered, not Broken, and when I was clicking through the website and I saw that you were the founder. But there was a reason. And you're the founder because you're trying to take what happened to you and help other people, because it did happen. You have to acknowledge it, you have to honor it. And it sounds like you have to the point where you're like I've made my peace, it's still there and there's. It's always going to be there. But this is not all of you, and I want to highlight that here Because for anybody that's in that scenario currently, or even if you're not in a situation where it's physical but you do feel very mentally like that something is not right, you have to listen to that instinct because you're you're telling yourself this isn't right.

Jenny Benitez: 51:19

And and Marika was right when she said like, and my that quote with from Maya Angelou was like perfect, when a person shows you who they are, you have to believe them Like, and men are not. I mean, men are not real like, fickle, like. If they're showing you up front, like within a couple, couple of weeks, there's some offness here or they're really being possessive, or all of a sudden people are seeing that things have changed. There is a reason why we have all these barometers internally. It's because it's a self-preservation thing, absolutely. It's amazing that you founded, battered, not Broken, and you took something that you went through like that, that was so horrible, and you turned it into something where you can help these other women address that, because I don't know the amount of resources out there, but I imagine it's not enough. It isn't.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 52:09

I think the number one resource is just letting. It's just the validation piece. That's its own type of resource. And therapy in and of itself is acknowledgement and validation right, just being able to, and not even just in an abuse, just in people in general. People just want to be acknowledged and validated, like that is. I've learned that even as a coach, that is the most important thing ever. If you can just validate somebody, validate these feelings, validate what you're going through, what you're feeling, it's its own miracle saving drug in of itself. Right, just to know that I'm not going crazy, I'm not, and just to have some kind of a support network. Some people do and some people don't, right, and so I think that's where those resources come in at, or reach. You know reaching out to whether it's us or reaching out to you know the domestic violence networks and just different places where you have somebody to validate what it is that you're going through. Aside from you know resources of helping you. You know create safety plans and leaving.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 53:22

And one of the things I will say is I didn't know. You know that a woman is in the most danger when she does attempt to leave. I never knew that. Had I known that I would have literally planned an exit plan a little more safer than I had. I just took him for a face and, my thing, silly me. He's already shown me who he was. He's shown me what he's capable of doing and somewhere along the way I got comfortable again.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 53:53

I don't know what the hell was wrong with me. I can look back on that myself and be like, girl, what was you doing? Like you should have handled him like a grain of salt, like you should have been more. And I wasn't. I just I took it for granted. I don't know what I was, I don't know what I was thinking, honestly. But you know, you've got to be, you've got to be smart about leaving, you've got to be really strategic, because once that person starts to feel that pressure of you leaving and then losing that control, that's when things get very dangerous and that's where that comes from. So don't just you can't just leave, you have to think about it. Think about it, plan it in your head and, you know, reach out and do some safety planning, whether you're reaching out to an organization that can help you. But there's a lot of things you have to think about before you just and sometimes you don't have that either. Sometimes you got to just leave.

Jenny Benitez: 54:52

So I don't know no-transcript, wouldn't even think anything of it. Like, well, it's just, we're gonna end this, and it sounded like he was being cooperative up until that point. So but like and and that's that's the wild part with with people that do this and and men inflict violence on women, domestic abuse, it's almost like that hair trigger. You don't know what's going to set them off what's going to happen and you're literally like walking on eggshells, consistently all the time.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 55:51

Oh yeah, those eggshells were the worst. It's been some time and honestly I try not to even keep track, but he's been out for a couple years now. He served six years. Honestly, he should have served more than that, but he got to six, almost six. It was like five years and 11 months or something, I don't know. It was very close. They let him out for some program or something he must've participated in, so he got a little time off of that. But and then he had to do community control, so like parole, for three years. And then, I kid you not within the first year, the first six months, I got a letter saying that he wanted to be, he was, he had applied to be removed from it. And I'm like, wait a second, I'm just trying to process him being out. That was a whole oh that was hard.

Jenny Benitez: 56:48

That's such a flaw.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 56:50

It's such a flaw in our system.

Jenny Benitez: 56:51

It's such a flaw in our system.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 56:54

It's horrible. They say you know we do have rights as victims. But I honestly felt like this man had more rights than I did, like he. You know, they continued there were 365 pleadings, 18 continuances so a continuance happens every year. So it was continued for over 18 months, right? So again almost two years, actually for over 18 months, right? So again, almost two years actually. So I felt like he had more rights than I had. Somewhere along the way it just seemed so freaking unfair.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 57:26

And now I think and it was tough for us, like, especially, you know, the kids just trying to our protection order had expired. We had a civil protection order that lasted five years and a lot of that. He was in prison and so, you know, he gets out and it's just like I'm praying to God, right. I knew his probation officer, so I had done things actively to stay involved. You know, I had registered to make sure that I knew when he was getting released and made sure, like, do everything that you can. We wrote letters to the parole board no, I don't think he should be off so soon.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 58:09

And for two of those letters they granted it, but that last one they didn't, and they let him off, I think almost a year early, and I was well, I was mad, I was pissed because I felt like what does it cost to just keep him on it, make him report every month and do whatever? Keep him on the straight and narrow, it would make me and my kids feel safer. And they took him off and that was that was I was. I was very. That was a. I cried for that. I don't again. I don't cry often, but that one was tough because my kids were afraid.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 58:45

They're like okay, what does this mean now? So that means he can literally come within a certain range of us and yeah, that's that's what that means. That's literally what that means. But I don't know. I think you just have to, in addition to doing the heart work, the internal work, you also do the work you do to keep yourself safe. I've got different things on my phone my family, I can easily trigger on my phone Fort Knox around my house. I do have a concealed to carry. I carry, I have everything that I can, and then the rest of it is prayer girl.

Jenny Benitez: 59:21

Yeah, that's it. I want to honor what you just said about being proactive, about protecting yourself, because I think that that's a huge part of it and it also is going to make you feel more empowered, because so much of your power was taken away from you and or tried to take away from you and you're able to stand here today and do this and I, I, my heart goes out to you and your kids. I can't imagine, but it really it. I don't know if you noticed the whole story.

Jenny Benitez: 59:52

I was like, don't, don't get too upset while she's telling the story, because I'm like I still have to be a voice here, but it's sharing your story is incredibly significant, because there are probably millions of women in this situation and this podcast is global and it will be heard across all of the continents, because it is on all continents now and we have listeners across the globe. So I do hope that if you are hearing this and you are hearing things from Marika that you're recognizing and something that's going on with you right now, please just get some support, get some help. You don't have to continue down the path that you're going down. I'm going to include a link to Marika's website in the podcast description so you can check that out, and I'm going to include a link to Marika's website in the podcast description so you can check that out, and I do want to flag on her website and correct me if I'm wrong here, but I thought this was really amazing.

Jenny Benitez: 1:00:44

There is a hide button, so if you're trying to check out this website and check out these resources, you can click on this button and it will change the website in 10 seconds to something else and you will remain safe and still be able to look at what you need to look at, and you will not get any anybody around you taking a look at your stuff. Because I thought that was amazing, I wanted to highlight that. I'm going to make sure that her website is linked in the description. Mariga, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can't say enough Thank you so much.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 1:01:14

Thank you for having me. Thank you, we don't talk about it enough. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Thank you, it's a. We don't talk about it enough. We, we truly do not. And um well, as you said, if you're feeling something in your gut, you know it's. You know what you're going through is not what you need to be going through, and you know, you know, there's some changes that need to be made.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 1:01:38

Don't be afraid to be by yourself. I think that was one of the biggest things for me is I was afraid to do it by myself and you would be surprised at what you can do on your own, Absolutely. You don't need anybody to hold your hand. You don't need anybody. You'd be so surprised when you are put in a position of where you've got to do what you got to do. You do what you got to do. That's us as women. We're built that way. We're built to be able to withstand those kinds of things. We work, have babies, we do all the things they do, and some while managing hormones and all the things our bodies are going through. We are built for this. As they say, built for tough, we built for it.

Jenny Benitez: 1:02:18

Yeah, Women are powerful beings. We're the only beings on this planet that can bring life. We are the portal from the other world. So this is Mariette thank you for saying that, because it's true and so many of us get down on ourselves and we let other people tear ourselves down and we let other people tear down our power. And, ladies, you have so much. There is so much.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 1:02:45

And I'll say one last thing too, because I have to say this too, because you hear this story and you're like well, how does it end? Well, what do you do and how do you? I am going on my second year of marriage now. I've met the most amazing, compassionate husband. That was always meant for me, and I don't think I would even be able to appreciate him and what he brings to my life if I hadn't have gone through that Right. So I understand that everything was a part of the plan, so to speak, but I always say that God will not open two doors at one time. You gotta close one.

Marica Phipps-Johnson: 1:03:24

So, I had to close one so that I could then be available to receive the other right. So as long as I'm staying in this mucked up situation over here, nothing's gonna change for me. So you gotta be that change that you want to see. So if you need to make some changes and you really do want to meet somebody that's going to love you and love your children and be exactly what it is that you need, you've got to make the move first. You've got to make that move and up here I know they can't see me on TV on the thing but make your move in your head first. That's where it all starts at. But there's more. There's so much more than what you can see in front of you. But you just have to be willing to make the move.

Jenny Benitez: 1:04:11

Yeah, yeah, a hundred percent, marika. Thank you so much. Thank you, listeners, for sticking with us and for listening to this episode. I hope that if it found you, that you find some support and some help in it. If you were listening to this and you need you are thinking of someone else, share the episode with them. Just let them listen to it. You know, with no context, it will help people. Um, thank you again, everybody, and we'll see you on the next one. Bye.