Modeling Courage: Recovering from Loss and Addiction | Jonathan Niziol

The sudden death of a parent, the loss of three close friends, and a sexual assault were among the catalysts of Jonathan Niziol’s 15-year spiral into alcohol, drugs, exercise addiction, anxiety and depression. His story, however, was kept hidden behind a carefully-constructed social media exterior, until now…

Raised in a serene Canadian farm, Jonathan Niziol's life is soon shadowed by the untimely loss of his mother, one day before his 21st birthday.

In this episode, Jonathan opens up about the heartbreak that sparked a transformative journey—a path marked by addiction, international modeling ventures, eating disorder, pancreatitis, sexual assault, and the triumphant stride of 16 1/2 years of sobriety to-date.

Amidst the heartbreaking lows, Jonathan's story takes an unexpected turn into the world of modeling, uncovering a tumultuous relationship with body image and a challenging connection with food.

In this candid conversation, he shares how embracing therapy in 2017 became the beacon of light that liberated him from the 15-year grasp of addiction and mental health disorders.

Join us as we explore the intricate layers of Jonathan's resilient spirit, shedding light on the triumphs that emerged from the depths of adversity.

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Transcript

In today's episode, we want to welcome Jonathan Niziol. He's a model real estate investor, trainer, athlete, public speaker, and a remarkable individual whose personal journey went from professional lacrosse player to battling addiction to international modeling, to being sexually assaulted and sober living after addiction. And all of these turns are a testament of his resilience. Today, we'll hear his story, which began on a tranquil Canadian farm. His life took a heart wrenching turn when his dear mother unexpectedly passed just before his 21st birthday. And the ripple effect of that profound loss and grief impacted every part of his life, including struggling with addiction, life threatening pancreatitis, an eating disorder, and ultimately his survival. These challenges were compounded by a sexual assault during a modeling job in Miami. Experiencing grief following the death of three of his friends as well as the weight of depression in 2017, was an important year. That marked the turning point when Jonathan decided to seek help in the form of therapy, helping him break free from addictions grip of after 16 and a half years. And today, Jonathan is thriving. I am honored to share his story with you. With that being said, welcome to the Grief of Light podcast, Jonathan. Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. And thank you for having me. I'm honored to have you. So let's start with your dear mother's name. If you care to share it with us and any anything you want our audience to know about who she was and take it from there. Yeah. My mother's name was Glenda. She was the most wonderful person I've ever met in my life. My biggest fan, my biggest supporter, my best friend. You know, all of those things. And yeah, unfortunately, she was taken away very suddenly the day before. It was the day right before a 21st birthday. I thought I was just getting calls from home, talking about like, Hey, we're going to do this for your birthday, because in Canada when you turn 19, that's when you're illegal to drink. But I was going to school in the States, so I missed my party birthday. And then when I was turned 21, I was back from Canada. So I missed my party birthdays. So if we were going to make it kind of special and do something, and I thought I was just getting a call just like, what are we going to do for my birthday? And then it was just this very tragic, sudden, tragic. She wasn't sick or anything like that. It was just your mom's dead and my life just, you know, completely flipped from there as as you know, and as we just briefly talked about before we hit record it. I mean, it just it does that it it it flips everything. I mean, it's like that's where it all started, but it's. Yeah, it's crazy. I'm very sorry. I'm deeply sorry for that. I honor her with you, with this beautiful message you ultimately have for the audience. And I resonate with the impact of that sudden, unexpected lost factor of it, because it literally just reminds you that life is here. You're here one day, gone tomorrow. And, you know, with that finality like that end of abrupt end to her song, if you will, is so it just stays with you. It stays with you forever. You know, besides the fact that it was your mother, it just really stays with you. So your life took a turn after that, as understandably so. That's a profound loss. That has a huge impact. So what happened after that? So I would say that I was kind of keeping it together for a couple of years and sort of had it together and then the wheels really started to fall off. I think things really started to like set in. The reality of the situation really started to set in. There was a couple other family things that happened that I don't really get into too much, but I started to experience mental health struggles. And, you know, this is 20 years ago and mental health wasn't talked about then. I had never heard the words anxiety, depression, panic disorder, self-harm. You know, I never had heard those things before. I just thought I was losing it. And I was I was showing it a bunch of different ways and just I thought I was going crazy. So I finally was diagnosed with having severe anxiety and clinical depression and panic disorder and self-harm and stuff like that and started getting medicated. It helped a bit, but what I found really helped was drinking and I mean, I say helped, but it really helped make the bad stuff go away for, you know, a short period of you know, 15 to 30 years at a time, whatever it was like. And it I'd always I partied in college, you know, I like, you know, party, but probably bit too much in college. But I could still like turn it off. And, you know, it's that crutch it became. It became a I want and then I want to go out and have fun with my friends and have whatever to I need. And I need to go home and get drunk by myself because I've got all this stuff going on in my head and I quickly became a non functioning alcoholic and. It was I remember the the moment in which I realized I was an alcoholic. And it was it was like 8:00 in the morning, I'd call in sick from work. I had the shakes because I was going through withdrawals. I was opening my first beer of the for the day, and I just sat there and I was like, That's it, I'm an alcoholic. This has got a hold of me. Like, I know I need to stop. I had no idea how I was going to stop. So it just you, you have that aha. Moment and because I, I heard some of your story before and at one point you mentioned that you found yourself numbing your pain by yourself. So this wasn't like a social open event. It was just something that you look forward to just disconnecting, disengaging, relaxing your nervous system with the aid of whatever, you know, in this case, alcohol. But it was by yourself. And I feel like maybe that's when you when it dawned on you, right? Yes, exactly. And a lot of it there is still especially with alcohol, there's still a lot of like partying to be done. So I was playing professional lacrosse and and, you know, after games and stuff, we'd all get together and party and stuff. But then I would continue it by myself. And there was a lot of times where there was no party to be had and it was just by myself and absolutely like it was, it was I was very insular in a lot of, in most of my addictions in that, you know, I just wanted to shut in. And it was I was fine. I was fine. But I was doing I was okay when I was out and distracted or working or doing whatever. And it's when I, I had to be alone myself and like, you know, my thoughts and all that kind of stuff. And I was like, okay, now I, this is the part I can handle. So yeah, and that was and that's, yeah, that's the realization. And my whole life was falling apart around me. My health was, was failing and I was, you know, obese and and, you know, 40% body fat. And I just. My friendships and relationships were always on the fritz because of my addiction, my alcoholism. Financially, I was spending tons of money I didn't have. I barely had hobbies. But drinking was just my, you know, and I was not reliable. I pride myself on being somebody who's very reliable. And, you know, it took that away from me so I could see my whole world crumbling around me. But again, it was my it was my safe space. But I got very lucky because like I said, I knew I was an alcoholic, I was a severe alcoholic, and I didn't know how I was going to stop. But I luckily when I was 25, I got a very severe case of acute pancreatitis. And to get the severity of pancreatitis that I had, the doctors told me, is like, this is what we see in somebody who's 70 and they've been drinking for 50 or 60 years. I was in the hospital for just a months. I had to have five blood transfusions in that time. I lost £40 in the first two weeks and then another £20 or £60 in total. And I almost died twice. I don't remember the specific instances and I just remember a lot of chaos and stuff like that. But when the doctor was giving me, I'm like, okay, you're getting ready to go home now. Speech. They said, okay, we're not being like, we're not kidding around here. When we when we say that you almost died twice and if you didn't get in here within 24 to 72 hours, you wouldn't have made it. So I got very lucky because that put an end to drinking for me. You know, I remember laying alone in the hospital bed and I've got IVs here, I've got a catheter and I've got tubes going up my nose and everything, all this stuff keeping you alive. And it's, it's dark. And I'm 25 years old. And I think to myself, you know, at 25, you think, you know, you're invincible and you've got, you know, maybe not have it all figured out. But, you know, you think 25 I've got my whole life ahead of me and I'm laying there in the darkness and I'm just like, this is this is not what I want to do and where I want to be. And what a reality check in that moment, because and for the audience, for context, pancreatitis is very serious. It's one of those things that if you don't catch it on time, it could literally take your life within days, hours. If anything, I actually lost an uncle. My dad's brother died of pancreatitis and it was a very extreme sudden onset. It was like Friday. And then Sunday he would, you know, he had already passed. He was in the hospital for those two days and the decline was very, very quick. So from what I understand, it's like a severe inflammation of the pancreas, but enough to where it can kill you, it can take your life. So I don't question at all the severity of what you went through and what an awakening that was for, you know, everything that was happening, putting everything in context. There's something about like touching death, if you will, and like being so close to its door that just kind of shocks you back into into life, ironically. So what happened after that? So I came out of the hospital and now I was sober and had a much better appreciation and respect for our bodies. And I thought, okay, I need to learn how to better take care of this because I've only got one of them, you know, that sobering wakeup call, like you said. So I started to really get passionate about fitness. I've always been an athlete, played sports all my life, but I really wanted to learn how the body worked and why, you know, from medical perspective, like, I don't want to become a doctor, but more from like a fitness perspective and proactive health, you know, taking care of myself in before I get back to the hospital. So I gained my passion there and I went back to playing lacrosse and I was having the best season of my life because I was lifting. Now, I was I was sober, you know, everything was great. And I tore my knee and I was like, okay, maybe, you know, that's a sign to call it a career. You know, I'm 26 years old and, you know, going to work with stitches and black eyes and stuff and, you know, just isn't so cute anymore. So I decided, okay, that's my sign to move on. And then I thought my mom was actually a model. She was a model in the late seventies, early eighties, and we would talk about fashion and stuff like that. And she would explain to me, like, I'd see her all portfolios and stuff like that. And I thought, you know, maybe I'll just trust modeling or go see some agencies in Toronto. And that's how I got my first contract. I went down and saw some agencies and was given a couple of contract offers and ended up signing with an agency that I'm some of the models that I'm still with them to this day from 2008, my modeling actually my 15 year modeling anniversary is coming up pretty soon at sometime in December. But yeah, so it's a way to honor your mom to her legacy and just carry that forward as well. That's very nice. I'm sure that you feel some sort of connection with her when you're doing that. I definitely do. I also have those times where I was like, I wish she could have seen you know, I wish she could have because I took modeling, too. I've taken modeling to the. To the next level. A couple of my family members of model than my mom, obviously, like I said, but I've taken it to a whole different level. But I know that she does and I know that she is able to. So, yes, it is a very it is a wonderful thing to have that and to be able to do that and to follow in her footsteps. And I soon after that, got the opportunity to start traveling internationally and to start modeling internationally. And my first contract was South Africa. I went to Cape Town, South Africa. It was absolutely beautiful. The people were extremely friendly, great cost of living space. If you're smart, if you're a smart traveler, but if you're not, you know, if you're, you know, somebody says, hey, come down this dark alley in New York or Dallas or anything, and you walk down there, then you're going to find trouble. But it was an amazing experience. I spent six, six months there, supposed to only be there three months, but I knew that that was long enough. And then my second trip came home for about two weeks and then I drove to Miami. And so my second trip was in Miami, which is where you're coming from. And Miami's that wonderful place. And it has so many like, like so many cities. It has so many different faces and but also like. Modeling industry, like any industry, has many different phases and you know, the different people who are and. There are always people who are looking for ways to or wanting to exploit their power over people and like I call them sharks. You know, there are always the sharks who are trying to prey on them. So 2010, I'd been there for two days and I got a call from agents saying that I had to go see four designer. So I go see for those who don't know. It's when you have basically a casting for specifically you. It's where a designer or a photographer like you put out some new pictures or you knew new town. They want to come. They want to see you. So it's like a private, like, casting. Or they maybe like, they'll have a couple people. In this case, it was just a one on one. And I'm like, great. You know, like, I've just got to Miami. I'm already getting like, this is awesome. And but the things there were kind of weird things around that. It was at 830 at night. It was at the designer's house. And he was a swimwear and underwear designer, which is totally normal because I shoot a lot of body stuff. So that was weird. But my agents did say did preface it with He's a bit of a creep, but if he likes you, he'll book you a lot. So I was like, okay. And again, I say, this is 2010 because this is before the MeToo movement. And, you know, it was really like the Wild West out there. It really was. So I go to this casting and it's just myself and this gentleman. And, you know, like I said, I'm trying on somewhere. It's not weird for me to just walk into a room and somebody say, Hey, can you try to Speedo on? Sure. Yeah, of course. So I went into the bathroom, came back out, tried on a few things, and then came out of the bathroom, tried the next one, came back out. Now he's sitting in a chair and he's like right at like my will at Speedo level or whatever. So he's sitting like and I'm like, okay, he's checking out the fabric. I'm like, Dissolve it. That was fabric to check out their breath. Like, dude, like what? So kind of weird. And then. He. I came out another one and he asked me to if I could move my member from one side to another. And that's that's sounds weird to a lot of people, but it's not a weird thing in the industry because as you're wearing clothing, you don't want to be showing too much detail and stuff like that. So it's a it sounds like it's something that you're kind of like used to. But I was like, okay, whatever. So I turned around, adjusted, turn back. Okay, cool. Try the next one. And so I go back in, come back out. And he is said, Oh, I thought I told you to move. You move it from that side to that side. And he pulled my pants down and he started to me. Yeah. And I was shocked in shock. Just absolutely shocked. Like so for those who know me, they know that I've been in a lot of physical altercations in my life. And, you know, there was like young Jonathan who was just, you know, looking for firefights, you know, whatever there was the after mom passed away where I had a lot of misplaced anger and I was, you know, looking for confrontations. There's also lacrosse where it's a very physical sport. There's a lot of fighting in lacrosse. And I was always one to stick up for myself or my teenage teammates that I have no problem with competition or like hand them on handling myself physically. And I say that because here I am. I'm a £220 guy who's been in many fights and I'm frozen and this guy's doing this, and I push him back and I say, You don't touch me. And I think, first of all, I'm like, okay, now I'm going to beat him to death. And then I think to myself, okay, I can't do that because I'll get charged with attempted murder or whatever. And I just said, You know what? I need to get out of here. I need to get to the situation. I said, You know what? You can I don't want to work with you ever again. I don't want to work with you, don't want to see you ever again got out of there. But when I left there, I didn't tell agency because of the times. And a lot of times back then, if things got around that you had kind of so if you had say like gone back to your agency and gotten that person in trouble, you could get passed on. It could get to another photographer or a friend of their like a designer, and then you'd be labeled a troublemaker and you'd be blacklisted. So I just gotten to Miami. But not to mention, though, I was angry, I was upset, I was confused. I was, you know, depressed. I was all of those things, all those things you could imagine. I was feeling all those things. So I just internalized it. And I had been sober. It was about four years from that point. And I was still sober. But I, I also. But I'll think I'll go back a little bit. When I was in Cape Town, I noticed that I was starting to compare myself physically to other people. Because I'm a larger frame person. I carry genetically, I carry a certain amount of muscle, whatever. It's just it's my frame. You know, we're all we're all built differently. And when I first saw these guys, like on the covers of Men's Health and all these stuff that I was going to be shooting for or wanting to do, they all look like they're big and jacked. And I realized I got there and I was like, I'm like, twice the size of these guys, like. And I started to plant the seed of, like, body dysmorphia, you know, like, even though I was working a lot and did really well, I was starting to think like. Yeah. I got this. This this job. But why did he get that job? Maybe if I look more like them. And so after that happened in Miami, and with this planted seed, a body mass dysmorphia, within two weeks, I started an eight year battle with an eating disorder. And that was part of my. Ability to release, I guess you could say, like the, you know, like I was, I, I, I was what we'd say. I write what I call I ever never heard of poor, but I think I was a functioning bulimic because I would go through my day, I'd have my healthy, healthy breakfast lunch, dinner, everything fine. And then again, it was when I was, you know, alone in those four walls, and I needed some kind of release. I would get, like $100 for the junk food, you know, and then regret it and then purge it up. And I stopped lifting weights. I started running and just very much changed my body. But yeah, that was that was a struggle for quite a while. That is quite a story. And you can see how one thing it's the ripple effect, right? The one thing kind of amplifies the next, amplify the next. And you have all of these layers that later on become a complex symptom system of symptoms. And I don't know if you know who Gabor mate is. Dr. Gabor mother. He he wrote The Myth of Normal and other amazing books. But he says, Don't ask why the addiction, ask why the pain. Right? So a lot of this is just what you're what I'm hearing from you is so much of this is the element of self-soothing and numbing and trying to soothe the pain of that dissonance between this just happened and what am I supposed to do? When did it just happen? And I'm also dealing with everything else you spoke about before, the loss of your mother and the grief and all of these things that are feel very distant and within. Maybe somebody looks at you from the outside and they look at you and they think, Oh, this guy's fine. Like nothing's wrong with him. Look at him. He's has an amazing career. He's doing this, he's doing that. But inside you feel so different. And so that discrepancy is the space that creates room for a lot of these addictions or eating disorders or all of these other things you mentioned. So thank you for sharing that. I also know that in speaking, I meet with a lot of people very vulnerably and I am hearing, which I think is a good thing. I'm hearing more men come forth with their stories and the stories about sexual abuse by men in power. Meaning and when I see men in power, I mean somebody who who holds a certain type of power over another person, like a boss or money or influence. And it is not uncommon, I'm learning, for men to take advantage, especially of younger men in different industries. So it sounds very much like what you experienced. First of all, I'm sorry for for that experience. It also sounds like you you have done your inner work following all of that to get to the amazing person that's sitting here in front of me today. And and so continue with your story, please. Sure. And I appreciate you saying that. Yes, it is. Absolutely. It's and it's, you know, so many so many different careers. And it's just not not just modeling, obviously. It's anybody, like you said, who can who holds any kind of power over somebody. But I think it's an important thing to talk about. And I before within the last. Calendar year, I thought I was going to take the sexual assault and the eating disorder to my grave. I thought those two things were off the table. Like close friends, therapists, like you name it. I didn't tell anybody that kind of stuff. And. It's only because only within the last 12 months that I've started to really learn forgiveness. And, you know, I still have a lot to go with regards to addiction and stuff like that. But I'll say this now because it's pertinent. I've come to realize that all the time that I spent as an alcoholic, as drug addict with an eating disorder, all the decisions that I made that were not the right decision at the time. I forgive myself for because you know what? I was doing the best that I could at the time. I was trying. I was really trying. I, I wasn't making best. But you know, what I learned and thankfully made it through them. I shouldn't have made through most like, you know, many times, but thankfully I have. But also I forgive myself for the other things like my mom passing away or the sexual assault, because I didn't bring those things upon myself. But they happened. And it's okay that they happened because. I wouldn't be the person that I am today if they hadn't happened. And I'm very happy with the person I am today. And I wouldn't change my path. It wouldn't change my, you know, the last 20 years of my life because it's what I needed to do to become the person I am today. So, yeah, that's a that's a big thing to me. And I think it's like you said, it's also very important for men to speak about this because I didn't think I would. I thought those are going to the grave with me because they were not manly things. Like I said, I've, you know, I've been in many fights and all that kind of stuff and I can bench press 300 something pounds, whatever. But that's the eating disorder near sexually assaulted. That's not me. Well, no, it's doesn't make me less of a man. Doesn't make me anything. It's, you know. Yeah, that happened. And it it happened to me and. Okay, I've learned from it and gone forward. So I just wanted to say that. But yeah, from there I struggled with the eating disorder. I'm still traveling around quite a bit and I end up moving back to Toronto and deciding because traveling constantly for modeling, it's very exciting. It's a lot of fun, but it also starts to weigh on you and being away from your that my father and my, you know, being away from family. And every time you come back home, everybody's life is continuing to catch up. And I can, like, start I was, you know, very passionate about fitness, as I still am. And I mentioned before I wanted to start a fitness business. I wanted to get a dog and not be like, okay, I'm going away for six months now, you know, like really put roots back down. So I moved back, but I moved back and I got back into the habit of smoking marijuana and I smoked in college a bit like. Well, again, probably too much. But I you know, I shut it off for a while because drinking was much more important to me than than smoking weed was. And whenever I would get drunk, if so, it would be like, here, hit this. It would just ruin my night and I wouldn't be able to function like I was already couldn't function. But so I started with that. And that was a serious addiction that I dealt with for quite a while, probably seven years. And, you know, I know people say, oh, it's just weed. You know, you can't get addicted to it. And like, you absolutely can't because I wa I couldn't function without it. And again, the same routine that I had to doing. I'd go I'd go to take my class in the morning. I go to a shoot, I'd go to the gym, I'd do whatever, and I'd come home and the anxiety would build and it would be like, Oh, no, I can't be alone in these four walls. And it would be just smoking ridiculous amounts. I like so much that I was embarrassed I'd go to different dealers to buy because I was embarrassed by how much weed I was buying and smoking by myself and it was running against me financially. My my personality was changing. It was exacerbating the bulimia because with smoking, weed comes munchies, and with munchies comes the regret and then the purge. And, you know, it's very cyclical. But it started and I really big believer in like the universe is like gives you signs like pancreatitis was a big huge massive like stop sign and same with marijuana. Like it started to turn on me and instead of being like a place where I could just sit back and chill and, you know, watch a movie and just munch or whatever, it started to be a place of discomfort and panic. And, you know, I started thinking about all the things that I should be doing for my business. As opposed to just enjoying the fact that I'm sitting here like stoned and baked and just like, hanging out. So I realized pretty quickly, I don't like that feeling. Well, not pretty quickly, I realized. And plus, I tried for years to quit. I had so many. This is the last time down the toilet flush. And, you know, two days later, I'm like, okay, well, maybe just I'll grab a little more. Just a little more. And I was it just finally got to the point, like I said, where it became it wasn't worth it because it was just adding too much, too much panic and too much stress to my life. But I was also doing nitrous oxide, which is inhalants, like inhaling nitrous oxide and taking Adderall and abusing both of those. And in vast quantities, you know, I'd be up for like three or four days at a time, just like constantly I'd be locked in my apartment. You know, I'd turn my phone off. I would be, you know, just up, like, completely disconnected from society. And I talk about, like I've talked about recently on my Instagram, but I talk about a lot like the constant reset that I was doing, like coming out of those binges and, you know, say with alcohol or whatever coming out of those binges. Yeah. Okay. I stopped taking. I do take say like a three day binge. I stopped taking it. Well, takes my body another two days to get it out of its system, start feeling normal again. So then I haven't gone to the gym for five days and now I'm trying to get back to the gym, but I'm not feeling as strong as I was. So I'm doing that reset, but I'm not resetting from zero. Every time is kind of just putting back a notch and putting me back a notch and just always doing that. So. So again, I had those breaking points with Adderall and with nitrous, and I just, you know, again, I broke down, you know, I've hit dozens of rock bottoms and I just, you know, found the strength to get rid of them. And finally, just know that these things are not helping my quality of life. They're they're the perceived idea of. They make me happy. And then I would make a list of like what actually makes me happy? And that's like spending time with my friends and going to the gym on a regular basis and walking my dog and, you know, being relied upon and knowing that, you know, being somebody that people know that they can rely on. And what do I think makes me happy? Getting high. Doing drugs. Sitting in my house for four days. Those kinds of things. But the last one that I had, because every time I quit an addiction, all of these nicely compartmentalized little boxes of trauma that I've just stuffed away would start to close in on me. So I had an addiction to some over-the-counter back pills, and I take them for years just because I did have aches and pains from lacrosse or working out and stuff. And it was each pill contains 200 milligrams of metacarpal I'm sorry, 200 milligrams of ibuprofen and 500 milligrams of metacarpal, which is the active muscle relaxer. And I didn't have anything else except for these pills. So, you know, it says don't take 12 more than 12 in a day. So I took 12 and then took 20 and then took 30 and I got up to taking 100 pills every single day. I was taking 50,000 milligrams of metacarpal muscle and 20,000 milligrams of and profit every single day and buy a bottle of 100. I'd go home. I'd just dump a handful like 30 in there, just swallow it. Either get really high or pass out like up, dump some more every single day. And it started to I didn't know it was happening to me because I knew that was I was losing weight rapidly. I had no drive, like no motivation. I had no strength. I was getting very lightheaded and having like fainting spells. And my anxiety was through the roof because I was thinking, okay, I'm going to be driving and I'm going to, you know, faint and take somebody out or something, God forbid. And I got to the point where I realized that it was these pills and I was doing this for months and months and I was out of shoot. And every time I jumped off of a truck, we're shooting like on top of a truck. And then every time you jump off in between shots, I felt like I was going to collapse. I went home that night and I was like, Okay, I'm not buying these pills tonight because, like, it's so obvious when you're in addiction what the reason is for all this turmoil in your life. It's right there in front of you, but you do everything possible not to look at it or not to recognize it, not to like it's right there. Like it's the alcohol's right there, the weeds right there, the nature, the pills, everything is right there. But it's like, Oh, I probably just need more carbs. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I you know, I've got a lot of stress going on. You find so many excuses. And I finally was just like, okay, this is the thing. So I didn't take it that night. And then the next morning I was getting ready to go to another shoot. And I remember I was best of my teeth and my legs were buckling. Like I couldn't hold my own weight as I'm brushing my teeth in the mirror and I, I call my agency, I was like, look, I have to go to the hospital. And what had happened is I had a major a massive ulcer, intestinal ulcer from all of these pills I was taking because they were just eating me up. And I didn't know because I wasn't seeing any blood. I wasn't passing blood in my stool or my urine. And I didn't see any blood. It was just leaking into my my body cavity. But I had a major, major internal bleeding and that was my real like, okay, enough is enough. Like, how old were you when that happened? So I was 35 at the time and I was like, okay, I'm 35 years old. I've spent 14 years doing this and you know my plan. It hasn't worked and I need to do something drastic. And I was I give myself credit to some extent because I stayed with like baseline drugs mostly, you know, like marijuana over the counter back pills. I knew the moment I took like an oxy whatever or hydro whatever they're called, like my life as I knew it was going to be over. Sure. Adderall is pretty aggressive, but. I knew that I was either going to graduate to the next level and go go to harder, or I had to do something. And I, I had that feeling that you said so much where people would look at me and they would look and say, Oh, there's Jonathan, the international model. You know, he's got he's got beautiful women around him. And, you know, he's man, he's got it all figured out. And on the inside, I felt empty. I felt broken. I felt like an absolute fraud. Like I didn't feel like any of that. It was so because I had focused so many years on my body and, you know, taking care of like working my body and taking care of my body even though I was doing things like having 3500 milligrams of caffeine every day, you know, like to go to the gym longer so I could take care of my body even better. And I'm like, I'm very much an all or nothing kind of person. But I realized that, okay, you're 35 and you're not living the life that you should be living. And you know, you're not you're not you're barely surviving. You're not thriving. I mean, you're barely surviving. And that's when I finally said, okay, enough of the stigma that therapy's for wimps. And it's not manly to go to therapy. And I don't have the money. I just had money for drugs and alcohol and all the time I was it time for that? Enough is enough. I have to do something. And that's when things got really hard because I had to learn at 35 for the first time in my life to be a sober, functioning adult. And I had never been that because even when I was sober, after my mom passed away, I was working out excessively. And I looking in hindsight, there were things that I was doing. And with an addictive mindset or an addictive pattern or just way of like doing them, where I was using them as a distraction and even traveling as a distraction, you know, traveling. I wasn't able I was never able to just, like sit down and like kill my thoughts. I'd be like, oh, I'm just I'll go back to the gym for another 3 hours. So I had to learn. And like I said, it got really hard because all those boxes that I had, you know, neatly packed away and went out here and put it up, they all started coming in and I started opening up the boxes in therapy and I didn't have a substance to fall back on. And I worked with a wonderful therapist and started going weekly and started. Then as I got better, I started learning tools to be able to navigate these things, but it was a big learning process and that's really, really how I got through and got to the end of my addictions and then finally kicked the bulimia as well and just had to learn at 35. So so I want to appreciate how much of a miracle it is that you're here with us. First of all, when you said, you know, you got up to 100 and you also had the pancreatitis, but you also have the ulcer. And these are things that man, you know, we really don't know when it's our time. Obviously, if we're given all these chances, I feel like you you realize that the power of that, right. And you said, you know, it's time for me to do something different. And it doesn't matter the age like, yes, you know, there's all these imposed like by 35, you should have done X, Y, Z or whatever. But I'm a firm believer that, gosh, everybody has their own path. Right? And yes, 3544 I don't, you know, 12 whatever. It's just whenever you have that Aha. Moment that there has to be more than this. Right, there just has to be more than this. That's when you should just take it and run and and it seems like you've done that and then some, it's, it's really, really impressive. But your story is very powerful. I didn't want to interrupt you because you're like on this beautiful role of just sharing everything. But I do want to kind of go back to a few things. So one is the the stigma around men talking about this. I want to offer with what I said earlier that there are more men being openly talking about these things. I feel like people underestimate how often it happens in terms of one the what happened in Miami and the number two, how often men tend to soothe their nervous system privately in terms of like substance use and or take anger and translate that to substance use because it's the whole numbing factor. Right. I never blame the person for for doing that, because at the end of the day, who wants pain? Nobody wants pain. You know, but but I feel like your story is so powerful because it wasn't just one thing. It was all these combination of things, elements, combination of losses, combination of being able to transmute all of that into into something very powerful and harnessing the power of therapy. Therapy is a layered term for a lot of people, men and women. And it's I feel like people must understand it. So if you could just tell the listeners, like, what have you found to be so different about being able to use therapy as a life, as regaining the reins to your life? So what I mean by that is a lot of people think therapy is like a taboo thing or like, that's not for me, or like that's for people who have like real problems or whatever. But I would argue it's everybody's therapy at some point in their life. And I'll follow that with I saw a post that I think you had today about how to choose a good therapist, because that's a whole other thing in and of itself. If you could just talk about that. Absolutely. I think therapy for me. So what I was going through my stuff and going through whatever I would, you know, like we said, I was very insular and kept a lot to myself. But I would talk to my friends sometimes and I would talk to my family, but they had their own bias or they were part of the story in some way. So going to a therapist helped me see situations or things that have happened to me or I've done in a very non-biased third party way where they are not part of the narrative, you know, whereas, you know, my family or you know, other people are. But also you're speaking to somebody who's educated and who's had years of practice with with this and is coming from an educated background. And they really just have your best interest in mind. And and I think this the style, like, like you said, the post that I just put up recently is making sure that you find a therapist that connects with you. I was terrified going to therapy because I was like, okay, I have to talk about all the. The worst stuff right away. And I found what works best for me and the two therapists that I've had, the one in Canada and the one that I have now, they're very much just. So where do I start? And if I glaze over something and it's not time to talk about it, then they don't harp on it and be like, Hey, let's go back to that really trop, traumatic thing that you glazed over and you don't want to talk about. You know, they'll just let me kind of naturally go on with it and then I'll come back to it at my own pace and we'll talk about it. And like you said, it's it's a it's a it's a incredibly powerful tool to have at our disposal. And a lot of people don't have access to that. And I understand that. I appreciate that. And I you know, I feel for those people. And if you do have it, I think, like you said, everybody's therapy at some point in your life. Therapy, to me has been learning tools. I. I didn't want to go to a therapist to. Rely on somebody to make all of my life decisions for me. I'm not that kind of a person. I wanted to. I wanted to learn the tools so that when I encounter these things, I didn't. I wasn't reaching for medication, although I do take a daily medication. I believe that there's definitely a place for that. If you if it's you know, if you're that kind of person. So I'm not I'm not stigmatizing or say anything negative about that. But I didn't I also didn't want to have to rush to somebody to help me stop my problems. I wanted the tools to be able to navigate my way through life and feel life's ups and downs. And I have a I have a silly story, but it's it's true. Like, when I first started going to therapy, I was going back to the gym regularly. And every day after the gym, I'd come back and I'd go to the grocery store and I'd get some the soup of the day and I'd get the little thing in sushi, and I would do that every day. And I, you know, couple of weeks down the line, I went to my therapist. I was like, I think I have a new addiction. She's like, Oh, no, what happened? I was like, Every day after the gym, I find myself going right to the grocery store and I go get soup and I go get sushi. I'm like, Am I addicted to this? And she's like, No, but it's sad, but it's funny at the same time. I mean, I'm 35 years old. I had to learn that there's a difference between a routine. And she's like, No, Jonathan, like you can like you can like but it was the same mentality that of whenever I finished my day, I had to go get my bikes and make sure that I had my bikes. And this was just a nice routine of like, I just I worked hard and this is just a lot easier than cooking something. I'm going to grab soup and sushi, but I had to learn those things at 35 and learn balance. I'm I genetically predisposed to addiction. It runs in my family and my mother's side and I have to watch for that. And I play hockey. I love playing hockey. It's part of my therapy for me because it's for me the moment I'm most present in my life. Because if you're out there during the game and you're thinking about your taxes, you know, everybody's skating by you and you're just not playing. So I'm very present. I love hockey. I'm from Canada, so it's, you know, but I play hockey four times a week and I go to the gym six days a week. And I was running six miles every day. And I started I was like, Well, wait a minute, that's a bit too much. That's the addictive part of Jonathan. Like, that's doing too much. We need to drop the six miles a day because your knees are hurting and keeping myself in check in with that balance. So I think that's a long winded way of saying that. For me, therapy has been incredible. It's an incredible way to learn tools and to learn balance and to have somebody who's educated, non-biased, third party who is there for no other reason except to help you and help you in whatever way that you need help. That's extremely, extremely powerful. Knowing that balance is something that I would actually say few people understand whether they have some type of dependency, life threatening dependency on a substance or not, because at the end of the day, every behavior has that duality to it. And what some people call passion could borderline obsession or addiction. So it's all in how we frame things. And where is that line for each person? Each person has a different threshold and each person has a different thing that they're focused on. Right. And so a lot of times, like very intense personality. Like you said, you probably are very high achiever like you in many areas when in your fitness and your sport and and in hockey. And that also has like the double edged sword side element to it. But and I appreciate you saying that because it's important it's an important reflection that I invite everybody to do a bit of self analysis on because it's not just people. We're talking specifically with the example of addiction here, but we all have that in us. Like we all have that thing that that one behavior that maybe takes over us a little bit more than others. And what that is in your life could be different things. I would argue that a big common one is social media. You know, like I would argue that people would spend way too much time on social media and you would argue, but that's not as damaging. It is, you know, that you've seen rates of suicidality increase. You've seen rates of with the kids. It's like the bullying. So anyway, I don't want to go down that path, but my point is that this self evaluation that that obviously you did because at 35 you were trying to identify, okay, is this sushi like the fact that I go every day to get my sushi? Is this an addiction or is this like normal? Like what is normal? And but I invite everybody to do a little bit of that self analysis to within themselves. It's it's it's in all of us, essentially. Absolutely. And that's why I always say to start to take you off it. And I'm not a preachy non drinker or sober, like I'm not preachy. I think everybody should do as they please. And by all means, like live your life and live your life however you want to live it. I just say that, you know, be careful of when that what turns into a need and when you know. It's like, Hey, I got the big promotion. Let's go out and celebrate. I didn't get the promotion. Let's go out and have a drink. And, you know, commoners, nerds, it's Christmas. Let's get together. It's a day that ends. And why let's do, you know, get drunk. But I interrupt these things, too, and I just bring this up because of the nature of your podcast. I like you mentioned in that in the intro, I lost three of three people that I called my best friends at one time throughout those years, like the the first year after I started modeling. My friend committed suicide. And probably five years after that I lost a friend in a car accident. And just last July, I lost a friend to an undiagnosed heart condition. And. Those things like I. You know, grief and loss. Obviously, it's awful. And I think about them every day. I think my mom every day. And but I've now made it my mission with my new way of thinking that I'm going to live my life to the fullest for them and in honor of them, because they were taken away very suddenly too soon and. Yeah, I miss them every day and I think about them every day. And, you know, I would give anything for, you know, just five more minutes. But I have to live my life that much harder and that much better. And with in balance, of course, you know, within, within reason, like, like, like we're talking about. But to really live and appreciate life because like we start out the conversation with we, we really don't know when we have that last day or what that's going to be. And yeah, it's, it's a very important thing, I think to and and that's been a very important shift for me. It's like I can sit here and I can wallow and I can be an alcoholic and I could be a drug addict. But that's not what my mom would want for me. That's not what my friends would want for like me. And that's I'm wasting this beautiful opportunity that I have called life. And for me, that's that's that's for being sober. But again, I don't, I'm not a preachy non drinker and I just, I just wanted to mention those things because they're very important people to me and they had a big impact on how I see life and how I see death and how I see living my own life. Well, thank you for that. And I'm deeply sorry about those losses. Those are that's a lot. You know, that's that's a lot. Those are all complex losses. I honor you and you say that you want to live just that much more for them. I feel like that's an element of grief and loss that's very important, at least to me, that I always say like, Hey, I want to have this experience where before I would have probably hesitated, like, should I, should I not now? I'm just like, I don't even question they said, Let's go, let's go, let's do this. And a part of me just prays and hope that somehow my brother gets to see it through my experience as well. And so I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. And I really admire how you've opened up. Like you said, maybe a year ago, this conversation would have never happened, or maybe two years ago this conversation would have never happened. So I honor your bravery. I honor you your journey. I thank you profoundly for sharing it because I know for a fact it is much needed not just in the grief space, but in society. I feel like there's a lot of people who haven't addressed the things that they need to address personally, walking around, throwing their traumas and pain at each other and at themselves. And it takes a lot of work to get to a place for all of us. It takes a lot of work to get to a place where we can say, you know what, this is just part of being human. There's no shame in any of this, though. I, I thank you so much. I there we're getting to the hour mark here. But is there any anything you want to share with our audience in terms of what you're working on? I know that you do. I mean, you have your your athletic side, but you also have a public speaking side. Maybe, you know, you're talking more openly about this or are there any projects in the pipeline or is there anything you want the audience to know? So I'm just getting started on the public speaking side because like you said, this is a very new thing for me right now. The biggest thing is, is getting my story out there and with the help of of gracious people like yourself and being able to have these these these these conversations and to, you know, to get it out there and to start to shed the light and to shed the years of shame and just, you know, browbeating of myself that I was doing. That's the biggest thing. And yes, public speaking. And, you know, I actually have a call tomorrow to start talking about booking some dates and stuff like that. I'm still very passionate about fitness. I'm training people online quite a bit and modeling is still a great passion of mine and so is real estate. Real estate market. Not great right now, but so is real estate. It's it's it's a new challenge and I'm enjoying that. But, you know, I mean, I think this is very is a very wonderful thing and it's very cathartic for myself as well. I'm happy to share because I don't think I have it all figured out. Definitely not. I want to talk about things that I've been through and maybe some of the things people can relate to, or you can take it as a Do not do this, save yourself or any other dollars and 15, 20 years of your life. But no, those are those are things that you said. I just I'm working on and really just working out and continuing that balance and keeping that self-awareness of that balance and knowing that, you know, that's who I am and that's what I'll always be. And it's my best asset and my worst assets because it takes me to places like becoming a professional athlete and then it takes me to becoming an alcoholic. But hey, that's the story of a girl. We're all human. Yeah, yeah. So many who have it all the way together. And I know enough to know that even people who look like they have it together often do not go by honor. You know, whenever somebody speaks their truth openly. Like, you know, being. Human is messy. It goes up and down. It's not linear. So I appreciate when somebody opens up and and shares their story. I honor all of that. What what keeps you what what do you rely on to keep you grounded? Obviously, I know therapy. Obviously, I know your health and fitness and your will to to honor your loved ones who have passed through your life. I get that. But, you know, let's say things get really tense, stressful moment in life. Like what holds you? What keeps you grounded? That's a great question. Fitness is one of the things that really keeps me grounded because I. Need to. I need to. For me to be baseline. For me to be like. I need to be physically active every day. And of course I'll have rest days and stuff like that. Being physically active, but also leaning on and nurturing friendships with my best friends and with all the traveling that I've done around the world and all the moving and stuff. I have a lot of not a lot of I have a very small circle of people that I consider my closest friends and and my father. Of course, he's still living with us and very close to me. And for the longest time, I would just have fleeting friendships where I wouldn't nurture them. I would just, you know, I'd be in that city. I'd have an intense friendship. We'd hang out every day and then I move on to the next and I would like nurture that. So having that and leaning on those people and being around people like myself who are, you know, direct and to the point and I, I I mean, I don't want, I don't go out there looking to hurt people's feelings, whatever. But if I, my friends come to me and they want to know my opinion or they want and vice versa. It's like, Tell me straight. Don't you just tell me that I'm doing great and it's all sunshine and roses like, you know, keep me straight. So and also knowing the fact that I cannot dabble in any kind of any kind of substance, like I can't like I can be around people who are drinking. That's fine, because the alcohol's in there. I have no desire to put it to my lips or anything like that. But if there's weed, smoke around and stuff like that, like I don't want to catch a second hand buzz because my brain, that moment that something feels good and I like it. My brain will go, Oh, that felt good. We're going to do that a lot. And it will just start and I'll pick up right where I left off. So being very aware that I cannot put things in my body and I can't even dabble with and you know, people like, hey, have you thought about Michael going mushrooms And like, have you heard my story? Like, it won't be a micro dose, it will be a macro, it'll be all the time. So that's another thing, too, is being very aware that I can't put myself in those situations and and or even dabble with all that. Awareness is so key. And it's a collection of of actions. I heard I also heard you say, you know, the fitness part of it was a part of your life before all of this. But for the listeners in grief, in Mental Health, in all all of these topics that we were talking about, it's so physical. It's also a very physical experience. And people underestimate how much of mental health and experiencing grief is through the body. And so and I learned that the hard way because one of the things that shocked me in grief, that honestly freaked me out because I didn't I wasn't and didn't know what was happening was how physical it was. And in order to I have found like I have to at least go on a walk, like at the bare minimum all the time, just to be able to just breathe air outside air and get vitamin D like look at something different. And that's just the body meaning to do a thing to be able to to maintain. So I hear you on so many levels. Where can people find more information about you, whether they want to work with you on the public speaking side, hear your story, the modeling side, the real estate side, all the things that feel like you're a man of all trades. Where can they reach you? So I have all the social media is on Instagram, YouTube and Tik Tok, it's just my name, Jonathan Diesel. And I see AOL and Facebook and my website are Jonathan Basil official on my Instagram. I have a link that has a lot of the stuff that I've done, but also all the links to my emails and stuff like that, all my contact information. So it's all it's all there, you know, we're all very connected these days and yeah, just all the usual places. But I love I love that. I love having these conversations with people like yourself where you think you can take something. And I'm going, I'm I've learned things and have things now that I can put in my arsenal to go forward and, you know, for my own life and, you know, continuing the conversation. And I always say to that, you know, talking about your grief or whatever is maybe it's not necessarily for everybody to go on a podcast and do that and talk about it publicly. And I, I get that and I totally respect that. But, you know, some of the conversations I've had in private and people have reached out and my direct messages and stuff like that and people I've known for a long time or whatever, it's wonderful because I've learned and continued to learn and we just keep working together just the same way that you and I are sitting here today. So I love to hear from people. I love to keep learning from people because I do not have it all figured out, and that's for sure. I hear you. I've yet to meet that person. I have it all figured out. Yeah, exactly. And it's very true. I feel like all of these experiences strip you down to the to the core. I don't know if you can hear my dogs footsteps in the background. Sorry about that. Yeah, it's time for Now to Getting Restless, but all of these experiences strip you down to the core. And at least for me, I can only speak for myself. But it makes me want to connect with people on a more authentic level. No, no, I don't want to meet your representative, you know? I want to meet you. I want to meet your soul. I want to meet your heart. I want to meet the things that the part of you that make you human. And all of these conversations help bring more of that to the world. They're very important. So, again, thank you so much. Final question. Final question, an open floor to you. If I missed anything and you want to get any other information out there, you're welcome to my final question is, what would Jonathan today tell 21 year old Jonathan? So I've been asked this just recently for the first time and I had to think about it, but now I have my answer and I know exactly what I would say. I would say. So I would have just lost my mom. And I would say to myself, look, it's going to be hard. It's going to be bleak and it's going to take a long time. But stick with it because you are going to be okay. You are going to get through this. And I wouldn't. And people are people ask me like, oh, you wouldn't say like don't drink and don't do drugs. No. I would say, look, it's going to be all of those things. But stick with it because it's so many times throughout my life, I never thought that I would make it through. And I never thought that I would be, you know, my version of normal or living some kind of a balanced life. And I would tell myself, hey, listen, it's going to be hard. You know, you've got this. Just keep fighting and do not give up because it will be okay and you will get through this. So perfectly stated. Thank you so much, Jonathan. I will link all of his information in the show notes. It has been an honor and a pleasure speaking with you today. I respect everything that you're doing and I wish you all the best. Thank you very much as well. Thank you very much. Thank you.