Host (00:05):
Gay in America is an oral history podcast sharing experiences of gay people from all orientations, backgrounds, and ages in America. Our goal is to inspire each other to live our best gay lives and help us all understand that our shared experiences unite us as a community. In this episode, we're meeting a gay man in Tampa Bay, Florida who shares his experiences being gay, a nerd, and an African-American in an interracial relationship. You'll wanna hang in there until the end of this interview. He has a profound and positive message to share with everyone in the community.
Oscar (00:51):
I am Oscar. I am 36. I'm from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I am gay, I'm a black man and I'm a nerd. Honestly, the only thing I would want people to ever know about me is that I love people. I love life and I just, my deepest hope is that the world can be more kind to each other.
Host (01:25):
There is a lot to share about Oscar, but let's start at the beginning of his gay journey. Becoming aware of his sexual orientation started pretty early, but like many of us, the internet betrayed him.
Oscar (01:39):
I just kind of knew I was never attracted to my dad ever, but like my dad was always in really good shape, <laugh>. So as a kid I was like, my dad has really big muscles, and they looked good. I think I like men <laugh>. That was kind of a, I was really young, like probably like first grade, so like seven, especially once I got in into, um, middle school, high school, there was no hiding it and I never attempted to really, it was always myself. So
(02:17):
I'd say they've been aware, at least since grade school. It wasn't brought up until high school years. So once that was brought up, um, it was my mom first and that was because of the internet and computers. And you might remember that in the early two thousands, late nineties, deleting browser history was essentially fictional. 'cause you delete it and then you go and type in something and then the auto, um, fill would actually put where you've been even though you deleted it. And yeah, so things were discovered. And so basically I had to come out. It was the, the usual, like, you're my son, I love you. Nothing changes. My mom is Christian, but I didn't get that thrown in my face where like, oh, this will happen, that will happen to you. Just, I love you no matter what. With my dad, it, it was when I was an adult, actually like 18, 19, and he confronted me. He's like, you know, son, like, if you're gay, it's okay. Just tell me. So I'm like, at that point, I'm like, yeah, yeah, I am. And I was pretty comfortable with saying it.
Host (03:37):
Being comfortable with family is one thing, however, being confidently gay in public can be a different challenge, especially now and especially in Florida.
Oscar (03:47):
Um, I'm most comfortable when I am in the company of other gay men. Um, I still get nervous. For example, we went to, we did a pool party yesterday with Justin and Jordan, which obviously was like all gay people and I assume we're going straight there. So I wore very short shorts and we had to stop by Whole Foods first. And I actually was going to change my shorts because I was that nervous about just being in general public as an obvious gay man. So the comfort levels, they fluctuate. What I'm most afraid of is judgment, because I am aware of how the general public, especially out of late, perceives us. Even with all the information available, there's still this phobia about who we are and what we do. And I'm always nervous about being seen in that, that light without someone asking or inquiring on who I actually am, just making an assumption. I think it's obvious that I <laugh> I am gay. I I've always known that definitely the way I speak. I'm very soft spoken, um, the way I dress my phone wallpaper, which is sail the moon. So <laugh> definitely it's, they'll pick up on any of those things. And no, I don't hide it. I don't think I should. Partially because I see myself as an ambassador. I think every gay person should be an ambassador for the gay community. I just try to be my best self. And my best self is very obviously gay.
(05:46):
I describe myself as a black gay nerd who loves people, who loves the world, who loves kindness and tries to pay it forward as much as I can, even if I don't receive it from the get go, from the people I encounter.
Host (06:06):
Most of us are familiar with the internalized shame about being gay that we acquire from society, but Oscar described other internalized messages that are equally as difficult to deal with
Oscar (06:22):
Being a black gay man. We do live in a world where in all aspects of society, the wider you are, kind of the, the, the better you're received in a way. Like when you look at films, you'll always see the lighter color colored person, um, casts in the lead role because they're considered the most beautiful. And so I have internalized that I am not as attractive as my white or light-skinned counterparts. I'm very active on Instagram because I'm so self-conscious. I'm always making comparisons, which we're taught not to do, but we're human and we do it anyway. And if I allow them to share something of me, a photo or whatever, I will naturally just kind of look and see, okay, how does my post, how is my post doing relative to other posts? And there've been quite a few times where, yes, I get a lot of likes but not as much as my light-skinned slash white counterparts. And it's hard not to internalize out. And so that is a struggle that I fight with even to this day.
Host (07:53):
Grindr, oh man, the app we love to hate, but it was magic for Oscar and his boyfriend Pierce.
Oscar (08:01):
I met Pierce on Grindr. He makes a joke. Oh, we met at Whole Foods. And I'm like, we met on Grindr. I love telling people that because Grindr has such a stigma. The way I've always used Grindr is for a multitude of reasons. And um, it would be during work hours because chatting what it would literally make my day fly by. Like even if, if it's sexting or if it's just talking about things, my day would just fly by. And that's how me and Pierce kind of met. There was a little bit of sexting, but there was also an inkling of a connection, which again, our community has a stigma to be like, oh, that's not really a connection, it's just attraction or something. Um, but he actually asked me out. We went out, uh, I think the Friday, we were chatting on a, like a Monday or a Tuesday, and we actually went out on a date on that Friday.
(09:02):
And from there it blossomed. We didn't, we didn't have sex or anything with the first date or anything like that. And it blossomed from there. And being in an interracial relationship has been new for both of us. Um, he's been with men of color, he is been with black men. I have dated white men, but this is my first relationship with a white man. This is his first relationship with a black man. So it's new for us both in a lot of ways. We have very different backgrounds and we have conversations about that. What I like about our relationship is how we've learned a lot about each other's communities and ethnic backgrounds. And I found it very enlightening and I think it's been the same for him. So it's, it's been great, honestly, being an interracial couple. Biggest in, the biggest challenge in being in, in an interracial relationship is I think more than anything the optics.
(10:11):
Uh, because we still, even amongst the gay community, there is still a stigma of how you should date your own. Um, similar to how it is in straight communities. For example, I have a friend, uh, Chelsea, she's a white girl and her, the father of her child is Asian and she's been confronted by other Caucasians literally asking her, why would you do that? We've never been confronted with that, but you kind of know the conversations kind of happening. And I actually, okay, we've never been confronted together, but I've had those conversations with even family, including my own sister, where she had an issue with him being white. So that's the biggest challenge, is convincing people that it is okay to date outside of your race. I actually think it's better because the whole point of what we all do in all of our communities, um, is to encourage togetherness and community regardless of your race, creed, sexuality. My advice for people who are at the beginning of an interracial relationship would be to not allow any outside force to influence any of your decisions. Even if that be your family, the closest people to you, they cannot live your life. They are not responsible for your happiness and you are. So if it feels right to you, you continue and you persevere. And that's my advice.
Host (11:54):
So I asked Oscar, what does being gay in America mean to him?
Oscar (11:58):
More than any other place except perhaps Europe, which is our sister, essentially you are allowed in your safer to be yourself relatively. And that's the beautiful thing about being gay in America. I'm actually very thankful that I'm gay in America 'cause I could be gay in Africa, I could be gay in China and there, uh, I could be gay in the Middle East where it's still illegal. So to be gay in America, to me is a beautiful thing. If you allow it to be, there are communities and there is support here. It's not everywhere, but it is large. There is a very large community of support here. And if you seek it out, you will find it. The best thing about being gay is that, and I'll add the best thing about being black and gay is that you are familiar with indifference. You are familiar with being hated.
(13:10):
You are familiar with not being loved. And because of those experiences, because you are different, you are familiar with being different and you're used to it because of what you are. And me being black and gay because of those experiences, it's allowed me to be open to all types of people who are different and receive different types of treatment because of who and what they are. So what I love about being gay is how it's taught me to be open to everyone and to treat everyone well, no matter who they are or where they're from. And I would hope that that's the main thing the gay community can identify with and use to spread more love. 'cause that's the whole point of us being a community.
Host (14:13):
Social media is a blessing and a curse for all of us
Oscar (14:19):
From the outside looking in and they appear very confident, um, and self-assured. But my Instagram is actually an exercise in learning to love myself. Um, we are all subject to opinions and reception from others and validation. And while I don't let it completely take me over, I do get some sense of validation from what I post on my Instagram. And it, it does help me. I don't allow it to be the end all, be all of my self worth, but I do use it as a tool in helping me to realize that self worth and to learn to love myself more. And I'm still in that everyday struggle. I think that we all are to ultimately just love ourselves as we are no matter what. So in short, I am very human. I'm very aware of that. And my Instagram, I think is a reflection of that. For those who are looking to see that, I think you'll see it.
Host (15:32):
But when we put our lives out there on social media, we do open the door for criticism.
Oscar (15:38):
I felt that those reactions were more than anything people projecting onto me as opposed to whatever it was that they were saying. Actually being valid or who I am hopefully comes through in my Instagram. 'cause my Instagram is not fully thirst trap. There are instances of me just sharing the things I like and who I am. I'm a plant lover. I'm a anime fan. I'm a I'm a Wonder Woman nerd. Like <laugh>, I'm a comics nerd. And so I would say my best gay experience is now being a gay man in 2023 with a boyfriend and gay friends that I can hang out with and be myself with.
Host (16:36):
Oscar said he wants to share one final message with the L G B T community.
Oscar (16:42):
Do not be afraid of being yourself, but more than anything be kind. That is a plague that I think the gay community to this day suffers from with us not being more open to each other. And there is a, a common recurrence of this unkind clique culture and it's no different from everything else that we fight in other communities. And so be kind, pay it forward and hopefully that will lead to more other gay men being kind to each other regardless of what they look like or or how they are. Even if they're not the kindest person. Maybe you're the person that needs to be that kind person to help them
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Develop.
Host (17:58):
This podcast is produced by me at Open Roads Media, L l c, and features new episodes each month. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share with your friends. Leaving Positive Reviews helps a lot more than you think it does. And we do love hearing from you. Tell us how this podcast has impacted your life. Go to our website where you can drop us a voice message. We may include it in a future episode of Gay in America. We need your help to keep this podcast going. Click the link in the show notes to learn how you can support this podcast. Your direct support helps us inspire and support more listeners. Thank you so much for listening to the Gay in America podcast and keep coming back for more inspiring stories about being gay in America.