Host (00:05):
Gay in America is an oral history podcast sharing experiences of gay people from all orientations, backgrounds, and ages in America. Our goal is to inspire each other to live our best gay lives and help us all understand that our shared experiences unite us as a community. Hey, this is Robert. If you've already listened to a few episodes of this podcast before, I should warn you that this episode is spicy. I'm about to introduce you to a 20 year old man from Sacramento, California who used the pandemic as an opportunity to build a very special career. You might think you know what it is, but I'll let him tell you all about it.
Speaker (00:55):
Hi, my name is Lance. I'm 20 years old and I live in Sacramento, California. I help people create P D S M parties.
Speaker (01:14):
I honestly think Covid was a good turning point for me. If Covid never happened, I would've been somewhere completely different with my life before covid, straight A's did AP honors classes passed AP exams, full intention of going to college, I sent my first college admissions at my sophomore year. I made it to states for sports. I was fully intending to do college as a way to go into school and do psychology. That was my goal from probably sixth grade and Covid hit when I was a junior the very end of junior year, and I think it just kind of killed whatever inhibitions I had for school, probably just because of how my school handled Covid. I understand. I can't really blame them because it's not something that anyone was expecting. But once Covid hit and we were online, there was no work that we were doing.
Speaker (02:21):
We never took another test. We weren't in Zoom yet because that wasn't a thing at the moment. So I had a little discussion with my school and I'm like, Hey, these five AP classes I wanted to take during my senior year drop every single one State law only requires I take one class per semester if I have all my credits. And they said, well, you don't have all your credits. And I'm like, yeah, I don't have gov and econ. Those are the only two credits I don't have. You can't force me to take any other classes, drop everything. Just give me GovCon and they tattoo I going to take them to court if they didn't because not court, but I was trying to go to the board. I'm not taking AP Chem AP Calc ap. I'm not doing that while it's online and the teachers don't even know how to teach yet online.
Speaker (03:17):
It wasn't something that I was going to give up to and I just said, drop all those classes, give me the two I need. And I started working. I had one class a day. I only had it first period, so I didn't have anything else to do for the rest of the day. Sports were out of the picture. So I worked and I worked at a grocery store. I did that for three years, even before covid. I did that as a summer job. In the end, I honestly just, I liked working. It gave me that thing to do. So if Covid wasn't a thing, then I would be in school. Right now, I probably wouldn't have done any sex related things for anything. So I do think Covid as a whole changed where my life went. I don't know if it was for better or for works. I like what I do. I enjoy my life now, but I don't know how different it would be if Covid just never was a thing.
Host (04:27):
Faced with an uncertain future, Lance began assessing his interest in search for an opportunity and being a child of the pandemic with lots of time to surf porn on the internet. Well,
Speaker (04:41):
I got into B D S M as just something I was interested in when I was young. The thing, I am of newer generation, so we grew up with porn on computer and parents not knowing how to restrict or parent control the computers, but we knew how to clear history even from the Beyond search because we knew how to cover our tracks. So it got to looking things up and then you could go on PornHub and just scroll down and eventually you'll see some sort of B DSS M content and it's like, this is interesting, let's go further. And that in the on Mind just cultivated an entire obsession and I didn't actually try any of it for the majority until I turned 18 just because safety slash I didn't want to get anyone legally in trouble. So most of my fantasies weren't fulfilled until after I turned 18, but for the majority, I got into B D S M pretty early on because porn was the main stasis for any teenager for sure.
Host (05:52):
Once he turned 18, he couldn't wait to experience B D S M for himself in real life.
Speaker (05:59):
I got into contact with Annette, he's one year older than me, so when I was turning 18, I'm like, Hey, can you set something up for my birthday? And on my birthday, he set it up. He got a few of his friends that he trusted and he knew that would be fine with me. They tied me to the bed, blindfolded me, and I had one guy fucking me, one guy riding me and then one guy inserting his skin stick into my mouth. So that was my introduction into my adult sex life. I started off very strong. There was no wait time. Nowadays I'm a little bit more picky about things, but it's pickiness, but then it's also, I don't just want to deal with Grindr hookups anymore. Those have become less fun, and I say that as if they're a long time ago, but that was like two years ago.
Host (07:05):
How did this interest in B D S M translate into a well paying career?
Speaker (07:09):
So I was hired by studios to do Ari work on people. The studios that would hire me, they'd have their own rope that they would make dye and all that kind of stuff. And I would be working at those events pretty much tying people up so people would buy the rope and then if they wanted a design on them, then I would be the one that did the little design on their chest or sometimes further if they wanted it. And that's how I got started with events. Most of the events that I do are very on the edge side of events, as in one of the most common things that I get hired for isn't necessarily to run the event. It's just people that want to do private parties but don't want to buy a crucifix. So they'll talk to me. I have places where I can rent those kinds of equipment, so that's a good 20 30% of what I just do for work.
Speaker (08:02):
Just getting people spanking benches and all the fun things, Wayne's to get their party started for the majority, I don't have to necessarily be at the event. That's kind of the fun thing about being the coordinator. I get everything ready, I get everything there. I made sure that if there needs to be any legal stuff more towards the line of consent forms or sometimes venues that hire me don't have alcohol permits, but they want to serve alcohol, so I have to get the legal lined up for them. But the majority of my job can be done online nowadays because everything was shifted to online that I don't have to be so in person anymore.
Host (08:44):
A typical week for Lance sounds exhausting.
Speaker (08:47):
So I've never used a planner in school. That was never a thing. I had one, I never used it as an adult. I cannot live without it. But let me read off the last week of June because that was a shit show from the 23rd through 26. I was in San Francisco for San Francisco Pride, running a few private parties, helping out with pride itself, meeting up with people to film spicy shit. But for those four days, the total time that I worked was 63 hours over those four days alone. Then the 27th and 28, I was doing remote work for 12 hours a day for Long Beach Pride because I could not physically travel there. Within the span of time that I had the 29th, I was at home all day baking because I had a wedding to go to on the 30th and I was there for nine and a half hours because I volunteered to help with the setup and the cleanup. It was all potluck, so everyone was told to just bring something and because I'm a perfectionist, I decided to bring a entree, dessert and a appetizer because I don't know when to quit. And then the 1st of July, I had a show to do because I also do burlesque and I was at the show for nine and a half hours. So over the period of a week I worked 110 hours. That is one week.
Host (10:20):
Lance is an only child and I wondered how his parents feel about his sexual orientation. I
Speaker (10:26):
Brought a boyfriend home during Thanksgiving my sophomore year of high school. That was my coming out. No one on my mom's side care, they could care less. I want to guess it was more of that I suspected something. You were definitely a queer child. There was no question in that. They know I'm pan, they know I date everyone. Even my dad knows I'm pan. But outside of my father and stepmother, no one from my dad's side of the family knows because with my dad's side of the family, my older cousin years before I could remember things, she got disowned from the family because she dated a lesbian. I think she's still fairly queer, but we see her every now and then. But no, yeah, she got disowned from our family for a good bit of time and I'm just like, this is not the family to bring a partner over. Got it. So in their minds, I have been single for all mine of life and are a pure Christian child even though I've never been to church,
Host (11:35):
Like many of us, his first awareness of his sexuality came in elementary school.
Speaker (11:41):
I would say if I first became aware that I was pansexual because, and this probably went back to sixth grade, there was this guy and he just transferred in and he was an eighth grader in my sixth grade PE class. And for some reason I was just like, I'm going to compete with you that it's no question anything you do, I want to do it better. I don't know where that came from my mind, I don't know where that instinction of I will crush you at everything we do. And it became a competition that we both did. He knew that I wanted to compete and every mile run, every sport. It was a constant competition or small town. So it's very simple. If someone goes to your elementary, there'd been a go to your high school as well. He went to the high school and we both did cross country and track.
Speaker (12:42):
And I know during, I want to say AP chemistry, I was like, Hey, by the way, this was high school. And I at this point knew that I liked everyone. So I'm like, Hey, back in elementary school, I think I had a crush on you. And he just looked at me and he said, oh, that was a secret. He's very straight. And I knew that from telling him I just wanted to be like, Hey, you were part of my sexual awakening. And he's just like, oh, I know you were in sixth grade to my eighth grade. I had a little bit up on the could see when someone is attracted to you. So he's like, oh yeah, none of us are subtle. When we first gained hormones
Host (13:30):
And also like many of us, his first sexual experience was not great. It did however happen in an interesting place.
Speaker (13:39):
I was on a cruise ship. My mom goes to the casinos and they gave her a free cruise ship for three. We just had to pay for the plane tickets, but the cruise itself was covered. So we went on a cruise ship. And here's the thing, when you're on a cruise, parents don't want to spend a lot of time with their kids, so they'll stick them into the kids club or teen center. I was 13, so I was in the teen center and when you stick a bunch of horny teenagers that don't know what their emotions are on a boat in the same room together, when we can also have the ability to leave at any point, we're going to get up assumption. And there was one room in the cruise ship that I think was used for all the meetings. It could lock from the inside, but it was only used by crew twice a day for meetings at 2:00 PM 2:00 AM So we would go in there and smoke because somehow people brought marijuana onto the boat.
Speaker (14:47):
So we would smoke inside, which on our part probably wasn't best. And one time while me and a friend went down there, we had full on sets on the meeting table at 10:00 PM So we were just having fun. And then right after we were done and we just went back up to the teen center and played Mario Kart, it was fun, but at the same time we were teenagers on a boat, which means that it was sep, but at the same time we didn't have access to a douche, nor did we really know what that was. So we definitely, before going back to the teen center, we did have to stop by our room so that way we'd shower. It was nice, but at the same time we also didn't know what lube really was, so that was its own issue. The first time's never really good and I think this still tracked for sure. It definitely didn't read pinnacle of the experiences, but at the same time it was sex on a cruise ship.
Host (15:53):
Lance told me he works a lot, so I wondered about his dating experiences.
Speaker (15:58):
When it comes to bean pan, it's a lot easier to have relations with men. Guys are a lot easier to hook up with because you can just say, Hey, do you want to have sex right now and then go have sex. I have two female friends that I go and hook up with because our whole relationship is just sex and I'm okay with that, but I can't just go and have sex with anyone else that's biologically female because that's not how in their minds it's supposed to work. And I'm going to generalize just because it's been all my experiences besides the two, they'll want to go out for dinner, they'll have a conversation, get to know each other, hang out a little bit after dinner, and then have the potential of sex. And I'm like, sweetie, I sometimes work 80 hours in a week. I don't have time to go out to dinner, have a four hour conversation with you for the potential of sex. If I'm looking for that in the moment, it's in the moment. It's not a four hour interaction for the potential. The two that I do have relations with that are biological female, they also have busy work schedules, so that's why our relationship works of just sex. We'll talk to each other and get to catch up, but that's 10, 15 minutes and then we'll get to doing what we want to do. For us, it's stress reliever.
Host (17:27):
He has a lot going on in his life for sure, but what's his future look like?
Speaker (17:32):
I am hoping to just move forward in what I do for work with events. Where I'm staying now is a house and I pay for it, so it's not like I'm looking to move where I am. I hope to be further in events, have a lot more of a clientele. I have two venues down in LA that I own, so I'm hoping to add more so that way I can make passive income off that, but just continue. But at the same time, it kind of all depends on next year. I don't want to get political, but depending on elections next year depends if I stay in the States because starting to feel less and less safe. My family and all my friends, we all have the same opinions. All of us are very queer and we're just like, and we're all kind of in the same groups. We're just like, Hey, do you guys just want to move in together? If the world goes to shit so that way we don't have to break the bench. It's been a serious topic of conversation.
Host (18:41):
Is marriage in the cards for him?
Speaker (18:44):
Even as a young kid, when I thought about families, I always want kids, but I don't necessarily care if there's a partner. I think that's just where my mindset is. If it comes to me, then I won't say no, but it's not something that I'm actively looking for just because at least as of right now, I don't want my entire life to be with another person. I have my own identity. I have my own ambitions and dreams and goals, and I've had a lot of friends that drop some of those dreams because they're with a person that might not want to go with them on those dreams and I'm like, cool, I'm 20. I've had these dreams for quite a long time in my life. I'm not going to have those dreams be diminished because of someone that I met last week.
Host (19:42):
Lance is only 20 years old. You could say he doesn't know anything about anything, but he shared some great advice with me that all of us should probably listen to
Speaker (19:53):
Even a lot of people that I know that are much older don't recognize yet is you need to have a support system and it doesn't matter what it is, but have a support system. Have at least one person you can go to talk to because I know people old young, that try to pretend like everything's okay, but it's not. You don't have to pretend. I know it's hard to show emotions, and I know it's hard to be vulnerable, but I don't care if it's someone you met online or you actually go to a therapist or you have a full friend group of people, but have someone to talk to because it's not healthy if you never let it release and eventually, sooner rather than later, you're going to just fizzle and it's a hard thing to come back from.
Host (20:56):
What I love most about hosting this podcast is hearing how similar many of our stories are and also how creative we are in building meaningful lives for ourselves as most guests. What they think the best part about being gay is. The common theme is that since we're already a hated minority, we have the freedom to say fuck you and do whatever we want. Lance lives his life that way and I love it. Did anything in this episode resonate with you? Go to the Gay in America podcast website where you can join the conversation. We'd love to hear what you're thinking about. This podcast is produced by me at Open Roads Media, L l C, and features new episodes each month. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share with your friends. Leaving Positive Reviews helps a lot more than you think it does, and we do love hearing from you. Tell us how this podcast has impacted your life. Go to our website where you can drop us a voice message. We may include it in a future episode of Gay in America. We need your help to keep this podcast going. Click the link in the show notes to learn how you can support this podcast. Your direct support helps us inspire and support more listeners.
Host (22:32):
Thank you so much for listening to the Gay in America Podcast and keep coming back for more inspiring stories about being gay in America.