Regret Release Ritual: A Success Strategy to Release the Grip of Regret

Regret is a powerful emotion that has the potential to shape our lives in profound ways. However, by understanding its underlying mechanisms, recognizing its presence, and actively working to release its grip, we can reclaim agency over our lives and pursue our aspirations with greater courage and clarity. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and growth, knowing that each experience, regrettable or not, contributes to our one extraordinary life. 

Regret comes up when we perceive that our current situation is worse than an alternative scenario that we could have chosen in the past. Fear of regret can stop us from pursuing our goals, defaulting to extraordinary. 

To break free from the hold that regret may have,  we can incorporate a regret release ritual into our lives. This ritual provides a structured framework for acknowledging, processing, and letting go of past regrets. 

What does it look like whe you Default to Y.E.S (Your Extraordinary Self)?
https://www.speakpipe.com/defaulttoyes

Transcript

0:59

Well done. This is your host, Julie Reynolds. And I am. Excited that you're here. And that means that you are showing up for yourself And for that, I am grateful that you are doing so by listening in here today, we're going to talk about regret. There's something to understand here that I think I wasn't calling it regret or I wasn't really dealing with it. So I'm excited to unpack this with you. And see if this might be something that gets you unstuck as well. So I'm glad you're here. Ready to default to your extraordinary self. Now to give it some little bit of definition here first regret is that nine feeling? Of wishing that things had turned out differently. It's a universal human experience. We have different degrees of how we feel regrets as well. From minor missteps to major life decisions. Regret can start to haunt us and hold us back from living the life that we really desire. So we're going to dive into the science behind regret. Bring some of that to surface expose some of its complex nature and then just bring it to light and why it manifests and how influences our behaviors and emotions. I know that, especially at this season of my life, I want to make sure that I'm living a life of no regrets. That let's talk a little bit about the anatomy of regret. Regret comes up when we perceive that our current situation is worse than an alternative scenario that we could have chosen in the past. It's rooted in a cognitive process where we compare our actual outcomes with imagined alternatives. The mental comparison that we do can lead to feelings of disappointment or self-blame or rumination. Now. We like to deal in truth here. So we are going to do that when we approach regret as well. Because when I say imagined alternative, I want you to pick up on that word that is imagined. now there are various factors that contribute to the intensity and the frequency of regret. I'm going to share with you a low intensity regret. That actually exposed very big things for me. So this week I got surprised by some hostility. And I reacted poorly and in the moment I didn't really have the time. It wasn't the place to talk it out. I couldn't just slip into coach mode, which is where I would go what is really going on? And what did you make that mean? And really get at the root cause of that to meet, to get at resolution. And I got really mad. And I went straight to her boss instead, because that would be faster. I, now I don't like it when people do that. I don't like it when the, when, and I don't like it when the boss takes it on. I have been of the belief that if we manage things with person to person, instead of involving the boss, it would save time and actually get to resolution. Now while some of that is true, it is harder to do. It's also does take time. Because in this situation, I would have had to double back and have that conversation. Now the whole situation has not played out. So it's possible. It'll come back at me and I will actually spend more time on this then. What I would have had, I just, at the end of the day, maybe revisited this with that person, but maybe I've. Been wrong about either way or maybe it's both. It's still, it feels a little lazy to go to someone's boss instead of talking to them directly. But I got what I wanted. I wanted it off my plate and I wanted to be able to tell someone and be heard. I wanted to offload some of my, that energy, So until next time we crossed paths and I've done something else that she feels like she needs to address with me to put it nicely regardless. the next day. I started to reflect back with some regret. I was embarrassed by her attack and it wasn't. Because it wasn't done in private and I regretted the tone that I used when I asked what she was talking about. I regretted letting it get to me. And I regretted going to her boss about it. so I had all those thoughts. Why didn't I use my tools to calm myself and see it more clearly. I really took the blame on myself. so then on my day off, I found myself ruminating. Now what came out of that was some valuable insights. Some things that I needed to release. And inspiration to move on. That was reinforced when I took this all to my Saturday morning accountability group. I Now, I didn't mean to really get into the personal interaction that happened in the workplace because I really don't think that was the bigger thing. But it allowed me a view to the bigger picture and to see the regrets and what happens in my psyche when I get embarrassed or when I react. In a way that I look back and wish I would have done it, done that differently. So various factors contribute to the intensity and frequency of regret. This was a low intensity regret that led me to seeing some things about how, if I'm not careful, I could let a lot of regrets take up energy that needs to go towards what I really want. And that is creating a great big community of powerful women who are defaulting to extraordinary changing lives in their communities, in healthcare, in the world. Like I said, various factors contribute to the intensity and frequency of regret. Now one common cause is decision making under uncertainty. When faced with ambiguity, we tend to imagine multiple potential outcomes. And these each carry its own set of regrets. If things don't go as planned. Now, additionally regret often stems from missed opportunities, unfulfilled aspirations, or actions that violate our personal values. this can show up in ways of not confessing your true feelings, not telling someone how you feel. Maybe your forego, a passion and you miss an opportunity. Maybe it's not switching jobs when you knew you should have. Missing school or not speaking up. Or maybe it is speaking up. Often we put off doing something because we think there's another day. weeks, turned into months and months, turn into years. Regrets can significantly impact our lives, influence our financing, our choices. Behaviors and our emotional wellbeing, and it can act as a barrier to growth and fulfillment to hold us back from taking risks or pursuing new opportunities. Now we don't think a lot about fearing regrets, but the fear of regret can lead to keeping us stuck in unfulfilling situations rather than venturing into the unknown. What if I regret signing up for school, what if I regret leaving this job? So especially in nursing, we have a lot of options and that fear of regretting making a decision can keep us stuck in the place where we are. And then there's also Dwelling on past regrets can lead to rumination. I have a lot of those in my career, especially. And if you've ever said, if I could go back and do this all over again, I would do this, but we have to be careful about ruminating on that because we don't actually know how that would have turned out and. The truth is it doesn't matter because we didn't and this is where we are right now. A destructive cycle of repetitive negative thinking is what we get when we ruminate. This rumination not only intensifies the feeling of regret, but it also contributes to anxiety and depression and decreased self-esteem. our self worth takes a hit. When we spend too much time here. So in essence, regret becomes a roadblock on the path to extraordinary. And to that self-actualization to the, a healthy sense of self-worth. Now there are a couple areas that where we can take a look At regrets grip on our lives. one of those places is decision-making regret influences our decision making behavior in significant ways. Fear of experiencing regret can lead to a decision avoidance and risk aversion. like I said before, as we have firstly for options to minimize those potential future regrets. I can't even probably count how many times I've had conversations, where this is really at the heart and the root issue with nurses who are unhappy with their current situation. And want to make a change but what if I do the wrong thing? What if I don't really know how to do that? What, if I'm not good at that, there are all sorts of things. And then regretting that, making that leap. Now, conversely, some may engage in risky behaviors to avoid the regret of missed opportunities. So there's that too. That leads to the kind of impulsive and reckless decision-making. So that's another place where regret can take, get a grip on our lives. Now I've already talked about rumination. But regret triggers, germination, and that is considered to be a maladaptive pattern of repetitive, negative thinking about past events and that. Can lead to that depression and anxiety that we already mentioned. Rumination prolongs the experience of regrets, exacerbating its emotional cognitive effects. And that was what was going on. On my day off, I was ruminating over this interaction. And now fortunately, I also have the tools and I went into that. With to see really what was going on and what did I make that mean? Why was this, why was I even thinking about it again? What was coming up for me? So the cycle of rumination can interfere with problem solving abilities. Can disrupt sleep patterns. How many times have you. I missed sleep over something. That you've regretted or something that you feared you were going to regret. So this could Get quite a grip. If we let it. Regret can also shape our sense of self identity. We can start to internalize our regrets and start viewing ourselves as failures or unworthy of happiness. This negative self concept can become really deeply ingrained then. And then it affects how we perceive ourselves and interact with the world around us. Then we start feeling unworthy of the relationships and the. Of having a fulfilling career of earning more money or Whatever it is that you want, you start to feel like you don't deserve it. Overcoming regret requires challenging and reframing these negative self perceptions and all of that can be painful. Now awareness is always the first step. So when you notice that. You are experiencing persistent thoughts about past actions or decisions. Accompanied by feelings of sadness or disappointment or resentment. notice those feelings and notice those thoughts. They are normal and they are, you can't control that they are coming. so we need to stop and pay attention to them. What are they trying to teach us? Physical symptoms. Notice those like tension or fatigue changes in appetite. notice where your body is taking a hold of that. Now, additionally behavior indicators that like avoidance of certain topics. Or activities associated with regret decision Can signal its presence that it's coming up for. You. Paying attention to those signs, allow us to acknowledge our regrets and begin to process of healing and moving forward. I think it's amazing when we're able to release some of those emotions. We can feel it physically and you can just, even sometimes the smallest breakthroughs. Free us up in the biggest ways. now breaking free may require a regret release ritual. And so we're going to talk about that. So maybe you can create your own. Now as a coach, I get a front row seat to some of these emotions that can be a roadblock to even the most determined of my clients. One of my clients is a dedicated nurse. She has been in nursing for about 11 years. And dedicated to caring for her patients day in and day out, she would show up and care for sick people. The injured with compassion and skill. And she really saw that as a privilege to be with people in times of crisis. Yeah, it's in the background of all of that. She began to dream about starting her own business and making a difference in her own unique way. She was beginning to discover her values and what she really cared about and what in the longterm she wanted her life to look like. It had been a couple of years that had passed since she first really started to envision. This dream of a holistic wellness center. She wanted to see what would happen if she could keep her patients from getting into those situations where they would experience that crisis and and maybe disease prevention. What if the families could take advantage of care? That would bring them through. So thus the wholeness wellness center that she was dreaming of. this dream was what she thought about on her days off. It's what she thought about during the day. I'm wondering if it really would ever happen, which is why she ended up in coaching. What happened over a couple of years with every day that passed that she wasn't taking action on this dream. Doubt and regret started to creep in and it started to cast shadows of shame. And on those aspirations that she had, who was she to think that she could succeed outside the confines of traditional healthcare? what if she regretted leaving and wanted to go back? Which was quickly resolved by reminding her that she could probably go back at any time that she wanted to. That's the beauty of nursing is that. Any of our decisions. We get ourselves in trouble. We can go get a job. All right. What if her business failed leaving patients without the care they deserve? What if she couldn't pull it off? What was her husband going to say about her lack of income while she was building it? There was all sorts of things going, running around in her head that were blocking her before she even really ever gets started. Now, despite all of the uncertainty, she knew that it was time to confront her regrets head-on and reclaim her dreams. And that determination that she took hold of allowed her to begin her journey of self discovery and healing and seeing what was going on, what was holding her back. Now, like I said, the first step is always awareness. And so we went through a time to just acknowledge the feelings of shame and self doubt. She realized that her regret really stemmed from a feel or fear of failure and judgment from others. And started to ask herself what it was that she was truly afraid of. And why feel ashamed of wanting to pursue her own path? Now in our coaching session, we explored the, all of those emotions and the root causes of that regret. And she really began to unearth insecurities and some limiting beliefs that had been holding her back. And she learned to challenge those negative thoughts and replace those with the truth and with the truth about her worthiness and her capabilities. And once we have a. Handle on that root cause we can really clear and define our vision and future and. She had the answer, just like we all do. What is the ultimate goal? What do we really want? What values do I want my business to embody my career to take what shape do I want it to take? What do I want to, what impact or what mark do I want to leave on the world? How can I leverage my experience to create something truly impactful? That matters to me. All of those things are things we have to ask ourselves, whether you're a nurse or not. This is what we do looking for. What, how we're going to spend this most amazing one shot at life that we have. So through a lot of introspection and a lot of soul searching. We can get at that new sense of purpose and direction. And that's what happened for my clients. it hasn't been exactly what she thought it was, and she's really liking what she's doing and the path that she's on. And that's really fun. And I share that with you, because if this is you, if this is something that's coming up for you, it's not just, you. I've been through it. My clients go through it. I think it's a common experience and you're not alone. It's a human experience That will come up. Anytime we try to pursue something, We want to do something brave. Something that really matters to us. All of those things come up and we need to bring them to light and deal with them. And get past the barriers and the hesitation and the second guessing the stall outs. Setbacks and obstacles are just the way to success. They aren't something to be avoided. They're something to lean into and to learn from. Embrace them and move forward. Reminding ourselves that failure regret missteps along the way. They have nothing to do with our value. we can use these things these questions and these emotions. As teachers and stepping stones towards success and what we want to bring and how we want to show up in the world. And one lesson that I'm learning and is. Is about the power of really letting go of the outcome. Like I said, this isn't taking shape as she envisioned it. Three years ago. She had a whole different picture in her head. And once she was able to remove the barriers and remove some of her own. Stuff that was standing in the way that big mountain of emotions and uncertainties, she could see a clear path to how she could do it her way and really meet meet the needs and show up in the world the way she wanted to. And that some of those things that she was really worried about. She actually didn't even have to to take that on. So it's amazing when someone gets past that, I know how good it feels. And honestly, I share that with you, because you need to know that you are not the only one. So if you have big dreams that you're holding back on, Or you have regrets that are surfacing. It's time to get past that. And because someone really needs you to show up in the world and the way that you want to someone's counting on you, besides what it means to you and your life and your joy and your worth. We need you to show up as your true self and get past some of this stuff so that we can create a great group and community of those who default to extraordinary. And just to see what is possible. And this brings me to another piece of regrets that we really need to talk about and really need to be aware of because we're in a regret is another way that we show ourselves not just what we wish we would have done in the past or wish we would not have done. But what we need to create going forward, the truth is that most people regret what they did not do more than they ever regret what they did. This is not a coincidence regret. Isn't trying just to make us feel bad. That we didn't live up to our own expectations. It's trying to motivate us to live up to them. Going forward. It's trying to show us what is absolutely imperative to change in the future. And what we really care about experiencing. In this life. you haven't done as much travel as you wanted to. Regret is showing you that you should do it now. Didn't look as nice as you wanted to regret showing you that you can do the work and make that happen. Now. Maybe you made choices that didn't reflect your best self regret is showing you that you can make different ones now. Didn't love someone while you had them. Regret. Is showing you that you can appreciate people now. So to break free of. Hold that regret may have. you may want to consider incorporating a regret release ritual. I love rituals and you know that, I think that having a strategy for our success at the ready is always a good way to go. Because what happened to me in the workplace? That surprised me. I didn't react in the way that I would have wanted to. so I went to work, creating a ritual that would provide that structured framework for acknowledging processing and letting go of pastor Gretz. And here's how that went. First of all, I have unpacked how it feels to be surprised by something like that, that I could maybe snap off at somebody quickly if I just react on autopilot. So if I'm going to respond. Kind of on autopilot. Like we might have a tendency to in the moment when we get surprised. I'm going to need to practice of 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Pattern interrupt. so I can respond in the way that isn't aligned with who I am and how I want to show up in the world. So I'm going to need to practice that. So that, that is automatic. No, actually that strategy came out of what is really our first step of the regret release ritual. And that is to take time to reflect on that specific regret. that is weighing on your mind, identify the decisions or actions that led to those regrets and acknowledge the emotions that they evoke. This is probably the lengthiest part of the process. Because as soon as you start to revisit and reflect, you notice other details. And this is what I want to point out here too, is that in that moment, this is probably the importance of unpacking this with, um, a trusted friend, a coach, someone that you can know can be objective in the moment because our memories aren't always the greatest, especially if we have some emotions around there informing the facts. So we want to be able to stick to the facts. And that's always where we start with our model of thinking through. We think of the facts, what are the objectives on the ground, the things that are indisputable. And then approach what you think about the facts. So what were the thoughts that got created that then triggered the emotion that led to the behavior and gave you the outcome that you want? Remember that those things happen in order. So this is why involving or unpacking this with somebody who can be objective is really key here so that you don't make things up or you don't start believing things that aren't actually true So unrepeatable facts. So not what you think about the facts? when we sort through those facts then we can unpack what we thought about it. That'll help us get to the truth. So why, and then ask the question. Why do I feel this way? going back to my example of the workplace. Why do I feel this way? I felt a little threatened. I felt embarrassed. I felt taken by surprise. I felt. Disrespected and all of those things are values to me. then let's move on to acceptance. So we'll practice some self-compassion and acceptance that happened. It's in the past. I can't change it. Understand that the experience of regret is a natural part of being human. And it doesn't define your worth or your capabilities that incident could have happened to anyone. It just happened to happen to me. And that. I don't know why. I don't know. What. And sometimes when it's an interaction with someone else, you don't know what's going on in their lives and we can't also assign intentions or any, we can't assign anything or any thoughts or know what was going on. So just an acceptance that it happened and it's part of being human. And it doesn't mean anything about, again, about your worth or your capabilities. And then extract the lessons from your regrets. So we're going to start to reframe that and. ask yourself what insights can you gain from that experience and how you can apply them to future decisions? so one we're going to reflect, why do I feel this way? And then we're going to accept. What is the feeling, trying to tell me. About the action that I'm trying to take. And is there something that I need to learn here? So we're going to begin to reframe and. Refocus, we're going to reposition that regret. And then we're going to come to that place where we start to forgive ourselves for any past mistakes or shortcomings. If I responded wrongly and not certainly not the way I would have liked to in that moment. I'm going to forgive myself for that because I'm human too. And I did have those feelings and I acted on them. And holding onto self-blame only perpetuates feelings of regret and then hinders that ability to move forward. So forgiving yourself for past mistakes or shortcomings, and then we're going to release it. We're visualize releasing those regrets into the universe. Whether through journaling or meditation or a symbolic gesture, burning a written list of regrets. Or let go of the burden they carry. So whatever it is, visualize it, create something tangible that you can actually just release. And then we're going to focus on, that reframe. Shift your focus from the past to the present moment, engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. and set goals aligned with your values and aspirations for me That meant go for a walk and listen to a podcast shift my focus from the past to the present. Start seeing that hanging onto regrets is not serving me, not in the the less intense situations. Not in the things that really matter. What do I need to honor my needs right now You do that by asking questions? Why do I feel this way? What is the feeling, trying to tell me about the action I'm trying to take. Is there something I need to learn here? And then what do I need to honor my needs right now? By incorporating this regret release ritual We can cultivate. A greater sense of resilience self-compassion and empowerment. Instead of allowing regret to dictate our choices and hold us back, we can embrace the lessons learned and forge the path forward to a more fulfilling future. We can start showing up in the way in the world, the way we really want to free of. Regrets. We can really live that. No regrets life. I want to remind you to God that I would love to give you a free coaching session and let you experience what that looks like. you'll be amazed at what we can get done in one conversation. If that's you and you want to unpack something or you're wanting to experiment with this release, this regrets release ritual. Maybe you just want to unpack it or workshop it, click the link below and schedule your no regrets discovery session. I'd love to connect with you. I'd love to see you just really unpack this and. Go for it Regret is a powerful emotion that has the potential to shape our lives in profound ways. By understanding its underlying mechanisms, recognizing its presence and actively working to release its grip. We can reclaim agency. we can exercise our autonomy over alive and pursue our aspirations with greater courage. And clarity. I'm so honored to be on this journey with you of self discovery and growth. Knowing that each experience regrettable or not contributes to that overall vision contributes to that beautiful tapestry of our lives. If you enjoyed this episode, if this is something that speaks to you, please subscribe. It'll help me a lot. To keep this going. Subscribe and share with your friends. I want to see a great big community of Powerful women, powerful nurses Who just like you will get up every day and default to extraordinary. Until next time, instead of getting caught up on what could have been, let's focus on what can be let's use our past experiences, both good and bad as lessons that shape us into stronger wiser individuals. Let's let all of those emotions be our teachers. Each moment is an opportunity to learn, grow, and evolve. Nothing more, nothing less. By releasing regrets, we can free ourselves from unnecessary guilt and self criticism and allow space for new beginnings and endless possibilities. Remember the beauty of life lies and its unpredictability and potential for change. Let's choose to let go of, to release regret. I forgive ourselves and step boldly into the future with optimism and courage. Let's embrace each new day as a chance to create the life that you desire full of joy and fulfillment and endless opportunities. Let's see, what's possible when we release regret and keep moving forward on this incredible journey. I'm glad to be on this journey with you. As you default to yes. Your extraordinary self.