Feelings are Signals, Not Stop Signs: A Message for Women and Nurses Everywhere

Feelings serve as signals, not stop signs. If we let them, they will guide us through the maze of our personal and professional lives. If we ignore, suppress, numb, or inflate them - that's when we get a little lost or hit a wall, 

For women and nurses, often balancing multiple roles and responsibilities, emotions can signal the need for self-care, reflection, or change.

Instead of perceiving feelings as impediments, embracing them as informative cues can empower individuals to navigate challenges more effectively. Whether it's the stress of a demanding shift, the emotional toll of caregiving, or the personal battles faced daily, recognizing that feelings are there to inform and guide rather than halt progress can transform adversity into growth. This perspective will help us in finding our voice and stepping into our power as leaders, even when we are not in formal positions of authority. It may really suck, but what is that they say in the Military - Embrace the suck!

By paying attention to these emotional signals, we can manage our responses, use them as fuel for taking action. We can assert out leadership, and inspire change, all while honoring our own needs and aspirations.

When it's time to take action and you need to report something: Follow Nurse Erica

Angry and/or frustrated with the patriarchal mindset that we are still navigating:

• Anything by Harriet Lerner, PhD
• Take Back Your Brain, Kara Lowenthal

Transcript

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This week I had a conversation about the workplace and emotions, and I delivered a webinar on aroma cognition on how to really put metacognition and breathwork and aromatherapy together. And so I've been thinking a lot about emotions and how we deal with it when they come up and It's complex. there was a poster invitation to practice a mindfulness practice and the calling attention to that our feelings and emotions are not facts. And nurses across the board, I think all but maybe one or two of the nurses polled in a group of thousands of nurses were telling me that we're saying things like gaslighting and BS and calling attention to how this is their response was not positive to being instructed on how to manage their emotions, especially in the workplace. So some of that is context. Some of that is just all of our lives are full of navigating emotions. So I want to talk about that today. Welcome to default to yes. The podcast that is just for you. if you aspire to default to your extraordinary self. my name is Julie Reynolds. I'm the host of this podcast. I also am the founder of Reimagined Wellness I'm a certified nurse coach, and aromatherapist, and I also practice as a per anesthesia nurse, straddling both worlds of the entrepreneur journey and the holistic nurse. navigating the complexities of a workplace where patriarchal influences and gaslighting are present can very much stir deep emotions, including anger getting ready to present on aromacognition and how to manage our emotions and our thoughts and our form, healthy mind, body, and spirit. I was very aware of my different emotions that I was experiencing and really questioning if I was handling them appropriately. It's commendable to be focused on excellence and self leadership. Despite all these challenges, but we also have to remember that our response to these situations can either empower us or drain us. And that is up to us. when we are empowered and engaged, we can make the most difference. I'm not saying there's one way to have influence when you're not in a position of authority or even managers or leaders that have positions of authority, but you still answer to someone. So first of all, I want to recognize that your anger, while it's completely justified, can also be challenging to a powerful force for personal growth and systemic change at the same time. if we saw this anger as energy to fuel our commitment to being really that beacon of integrity and professionalism in our environment, This is where we need to get. And I have to admit that sometimes I feel defeated, I get angry and frustrated, and I feel unheard. And then sometimes that turns into a little despair and discouragement and disengagement. And that is not helping anyone. My first inclination in those times is just, I'm going to quit. I am going to transition full time into coaching. I'm going to leave this, the health care setting and just leave that all behind. And I tell myself that this isn't good for me, that being out of integrity and alignment, be feeling disempowered is not healthy. I see it. for nurses all of the time that it's just not healthy. And I know too, that some of you might not be nurses or might not be in healthcare at all. Most of my listeners are nurses and no matter where you are, I'm sure that this is not just a nurse issue. It might be a women issue. or an employee issue, whatever we do with that, when we disagree or when we're out of alignment with the values of our employer, that's what we're talking about today. It's essential to maintain a clear vision of the kind of leader that you want to be one who leads by example and influences change throughout positive actions, rather than a position of power and that vision will guide your responses and interactions, ensuring that they align with your values and your professional standards that you aspire to and uphold. And when we're faced with gaslighting, which will happen, or any forms of undermining behavior, anchor yourself in your truth and reality of your experiences. Documenting, I would say journaling is a really great way to get some of this on paper, see what you're thinking, be aware of all of the feelings and the thoughts that you're having so that you can channel them into positive interactions. journaling, documenting all of this can be helpful, not only for personal validation though, but also for potential HR interventions, if necessary you may need to report something to OSHA or to the board of nursing or to HR, and just create that paper trail. That's gonna be helpful. If you do, if you are dealing with something that you do need to take action on as well. And I think that's where we're going is that when we feel empowered, we take action one of my struggles is that I, a lot of times will feel very isolated and I want to rally the troops, but not everyone's going to be on board with rocking the boat. and it's an individual choice, whether you want to rock the boat or not, whether you want to advocate or not, that is going to be a matter of personal capacity. And we have to operate on the individual. The assumption that everyone is doing the best that they can at the time, and that might be that your colleagues are dealing with something personally, and they just don't have the capacity, the energy, the time, whatever that is, the mental bandwidth to fight that battle, or maybe it's just not as important to them. As it is to you, in which case you're in the right place, you take the lead and you are, and know that you are capable going back to that, it just then feels very isolating. So cultivate a network of allies within your organization and outside of your organization who support your values and the changes that you wish to see. This network can, or even just a couple of accountability partners can provide that emotional support and along with strategic advice and increased leverage, even in advocating for more inclusive and respectful workplace culture. Hey Julie, it's Kathy. I'm driving, and I just was trying to make sure you weren't, uh, burying yourself in the bottle. anyways, I'm probably gonna be driving another hour and a half ish, and just sitting here listening to books. But anyways, um, just congratulations on that, and I hope you have a very restful week, and I'm very sorry that your week was so crappy. Hope the weekend helps to get some distance from all that. Doesn't make it right, and it is crazy. But, anyways, talk to you later! Bye! along with having supportive colleagues and. Friends that are on your side. They've got your back. I follow some nurse influencers that really empower me with information and. Who would I report what to is an important thing. And so there are resources out there. if you look, you will find the support that you need to take action, but it starts with you. So continuing to invest in your personal growth and professional skills that only positions you as a leader, but it also equips you. with the tools to effectively challenge the status quo and inspire others. I want to ask you a question. First of all, how do you currently navigate the hierarchical dynamics in your workplace while you strive to maintain your integrity and self leadership? I'm curious about that. So trying to navigate at appropriate times and places is where I usually start, but I'm not always successful. Sometimes the moment presents itself when it's not maybe the best time for that leader to hear from me. But with limited access sometimes, or not being in the room when the appropriate time, when leaders are ready to discuss things can be a barrier for an employee or for nurses everywhere. So navigating the politics of your institution and building that influence without positional power can be challenging. And we, that's something it's just the way it is. And we need to acknowledge that. If you're taking proactive steps by timing your communication thoughtfully and seeking to connect with leaders that may be on a personal level, this is also a strategy that's key to creating opportunities for yourself and gaining a seat at the table. And that would be, that will be a testament to your strategic thinking. This does not happen in the moment. A lot of times it doesn't happen in our timing, but it can happen if that's your goal, if that is your goal. So I know that that nurses everywhere would say, this is, this also is BS. We should have a voice and we should speak up and be heard. And we all know that nobody's arguing with that. But true leadership and influence often comes with. being seen as someone who adds value and builds bridges. So we keep focusing on the quality of our contributions and the authenticity of our interactions. Believe me. I am not saying. Drank the Kool-Aid. I'm saying stay true to yourself and know what your goals are. I'm the last person who's going to say. We should just. Go along with any toxic positivity or that everything is going to be okay. I think it's going to be okay if we make it. Okay. Just know that it's going to take. Getting uncomfortable. For that outcome. we're going to have to choose between being uncomfortable now. Or bitter and resentful later. Over time, you will earn respect from leadership. And that will speak volumes. And if not, that is when you leave. So remembering that our, we are not tied to an employer and we can do everything that we can to loosen those strings. One suggestion would be to possibly go outside of your employer for insurance, there is health insurance, there are options. And that will also free you up to maybe be a little more, feel a little more engaged and be able to, and empowered to be able to speak. So that was one tip that was given to me by a nurse leader. And so that's something that I'm considering as well. Anytime when we can untether ourselves as far as financial security goes so that we don't have that hanging over our head when we need to do the right thing. Now, influence isn't just about what you know or who you know, it's about how you help others feel and the positive impact that you make on the team and the organization. So embed yourself in the community that you're working in and your colleagues and. Set your intentions for what is important to you in your workplace. Continue to demonstrate that value and the consistent performance by being a catalyst for positive change. And also remember to appreciate and recognize the contributions of your colleagues as well. This can help in changing their perceptions and fostering a more collaborative environment. And how we handle our own skepticism or cynicism, that's a challenge as well. I tend to shut down and doubt myself. I advocate, I step forward and then I, then this, then all of the inner critics that's in, I maybe don't get the support that I, think that I should, How many of you have been in a meeting where you speak up and you're saying the thing that in the hallway, everyone was saying, you say it in the meeting and the room goes silent. That is known as, Hey, I stuck my neck out for, for the team and I got my head chopped off. Yeah. How many of you have been in that scenario? I know I have been numerous times. I've probably been on the other end of that where I was just relieved that somebody else said it and I didn't have to. And so I just sat quiet and enjoyed the moment. So we can't do that to each other. We need to have each other's back. So think about that next time you see somebody else speak up. How are you going to even, I have been, I have, Occasionally, just even when I didn't completely wasn't feeling passionate about the topic, or maybe I didn't completely agree with my colleague, I had to say something in support because they, just because they spoke up. And that can be really empowering and can help us get traction as well. Now, sometimes I would say probably some of the nurses that I've talked to, and I have been there, get so angry and so frustrated. It's just too much. You just want to walk away and it's really, it's okay to walk away. We do have that choice, but you might not feel like you have the choice because again, it's the way you pay your bills. Navigating self doubt is a common challenge and it's vital to recognize that this feeling is a normal part of growth process. The key is to not let it immobilize you, which honestly I'm guilty of. I can go for a day or two. I don't make it very much longer than that, a day or two and just shut down and I make it my intention. In fact, I have one time I named it, I called it Operation Disengage, and that was actually my intention. I would walk into work intentionally to disengage. I would take care of my patients. I would interact with my colleagues, but that was as far as it was going to go. Anything that was asked of me, I would just turn my head. I didn't attend meetings I would skip out on those morning huddles and I just Okay, so I wasn't very good at it, which is why I'm talking about this now, because it felt bad. It felt bad to feel like that too, because at the root of it was playing small and that is not. That does not feel good to me. Self doubt often will come up when we're about to step up or reach out or make a significant change. It is a signal, not a stop sign. Can I say that again? Self doubt is a signal, not a stop sign. And I'm going to say that our frustrations, our anger, our self doubt, Our cynicism, those are all can be in that category. They're a signal, not a stop sign. So one effective strategy to shift the focus from doubt to action, when you feel that doubt creeping in or that cynicism taking over that makes you want to just walk away or disengage is to just to commit to one small positive action right away. This can be as simple as just Writing it down, what, writing down what you're grateful for, reaching out to a mentor, scheduling a coaching session, or even affirming your strengths. Small actions can have big impact on your mindset. probably one of the biggest ways you could do this probably is to go help someone that go help them do something that they don't like to do. So to me, that would look like if somebody doesn't like start an IVs. I'm going to go help. I'm going to go start an IV for them because that just connects me to my colleague and contribute something that I know that I'm good at and that I can contribute and know with no questions asked. So that is one really quick way to turn things around. It's also crucial to build and rely on that supportive community. That doesn't mean that you need a huge network. I have a couple of nurses that I meet with every Saturday morning as an accountability. And I share these things with them and they asked me the tough questions and hearing and saying it out loud is also very powerful to hear. Is this really in integrity? And is this really the, as big a deal as I'm making it in my head. Sometimes just one more positive, understanding person in your life can make all the difference. They can help you see the value in what you do and encourage you to keep pushing forward. I can't even tell you how meaningful it is to have a manager. She encourages me to advocate. As much as it might cost her, I love that she's willing to tell me when she does not have the capacity to hear it so that I can save it and I can manage it, but I feel heard. And I can't even tell you how powerful that is to have that one person be your manager. I know managers run up against the same thing. We all answer to someone and managers There are times when you, there's a barricade to making the impact that you want or the culture shift that you want to make, because of the way that, because of the people that you answer to. And I am. I have to call myself on sometimes on assigning intentions to admin. I think that sometimes we like to blame it on them, they and their evil intentions. And I think sometimes they just don't know what they don't know. Or they, have pressures that we don't understand. They're answering to things that maybe they felt like their hands are tied to. Now, there are some instances where I've heard leaders say things that just prove that what that prove all of our suspicions. And so not taking that away either. My point in saying that is that Assigning intentions to someone doesn't really help us make a change. And it really only, for me, only makes me more angry and feel more hopeless and powerless. I don't have a clear framework for all of this because it's messy. but showing up with intention is one of the things that is the thing that I do that will keep me moving forward. And when you start your day or any task, just be clear about what you want to achieve and why it matters most to you. Because this clarity is what's going to reduce the doubt because you're no longer scattered or reactive. You're purposeful and driven. One of my colleagues is somebody who very rarely speaks up and a lot of it's because the noise in the room, everybody's talking and he will raise his hand and he waits for his turn. And I've tried to encourage him just to take his turn because what he shares outside of the meeting can be very powerful. And we had that instant this week, we were debriefing an incident, sharing the things and advocating for way some change. And. He walked out of the meeting and he said, I just wish we would be more proactive and less reactive. He said that a number of times and that is really at the heart of what we were dealing with if we could just be proactive and not reactive. he was showing a lot of wisdom. All of those things are things that we can build into the way we show up in the world. So how do you usually cope with self doubts or shutting down in challenging situations? How do you deal with all of those things, the cynical thoughts, the the anger? I would love to hear from you because I'm still learning. here. And so if you have a great strategy, I'd love to share it and I'd love to share it with the community here too. I've already shared that what I do is intentions and Did you know you could set your alarm and then label it with an intention? So respond, don't react, take a deep breath. Those are two alarms that I have set and they go off certain points of the day, whatever the message is, you are your greatest asset whatever the message is that you want to have come across to you, to remind you of your intentions. So that would be another great strategy to keep in place that you're set those reminders in your phone at lunchtime. Remember the things that you walked in the door with? So if you blew it, so if like me, you set your intention and a half hour later, you'd already blown it. You can reset at lunchtime and start all over. Remember, the key is to keep going through those emotions, but growing through them by resetting your intentions. And this is how we turn setbacks into setups for greater success. I think I've shared before that I actually created for myself a 10 minute tantrum. Sometimes in the workplace, it needs to be a two minute tantrum. I get that. And but this is a practice that can be transformative, managing the emotions and regaining control. And this is what that Aromacognition algorithm is for me. This is where all of that came from. I build in that, I read, I adjust it to certain circumstances. Sometimes it's around oil. Sometimes it's around the aroma of coffee. I like to supercharge my strategies. And so So this is a strategy that I have that involves allowing myself to fully experience the emotions like frustration and anger and judgment. And then after expressing those emotions, then I can shift to the focus to a more calming and centering approach. And that could be breathing, meditation, gentle stretching, whatever makes you feel better. It gets you in that place, whatever works for you to get you into that place. Do that. The key is to transition from the height of your emotion to a state of calm and reflection, which will enable us to better understand the feelings and how to manage them and construct them constructively in the future. We give up our power when we just let things go or disengage. That's not the way that we can bring change. It won't change anything for us. It won't change anything for our patients. It won't change anything for our colleagues. So it's as hard as that is. And as sucky as that is to embrace, it's just the reality of the way the world works. And we need to know how we really want to show up and what we want, what outcome we want to be able to really process this. And the 10 minute tantrum, it can't be just about venting. It needs to be also about recognizing and regulating the emotional response and getting at the outcome that we want. To be productive and powerful. It's really that it's really a powerful way to reset your emotional state and regain that clarity. And by setting the time limit like 10 minutes or two minutes, you give yourself permission to feel fully, but also a structure to not dwell too long in a state that might be unproductive or harmful. Chronic stress being in a stressful situation and staying there, staying angry, staying cynical, None of those things help that your brain health or your mental health, none of those things are going to be good for your personal health, mind, body, and spirit. So thank you. If, even if that is your only incentive is to just not cause more harm to yourself When we don't feel heard or things don't make sense and and I'm not even going to say that we don't feel heard. There are just a lot of times when we aren't heard and it's to the detriment of patient safety and to our safety. And so these, this is an important thing to get ahold of so that we can raise our voices and be heard. So it's crucial to reflect And this reflection can be intense. It's painful. It's uncomfortable. I don't like it. I don't enjoy it, but I know that it's a stepping stone for my own growth and my own emotional resilience and my own mental health. So I do it and I'm, and if I'm honest, 10 minutes, as evidenced by that, I'm talking about this today is not enough. I sometimes need 10 days to process some of the things that happen. this week I spoke up about something on the fly. It wasn't, and it wasn't received well. And I reacted, I got angry. and I think, when I get angry, I'm going to create my exit strategy. That is in the moment. That is what I'm thinking. Nobody here. is interested in change or doing better. And so I'm going to go away and create my exit strategy. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Sometimes that is the answer. So on that note. When I say we're going to relax and be calm. I don't mean to just that we all have to just Zen out and let things go. Sometimes this reflection is going to end up in speaking up or yelling louder. we know that all over the country right now, nurses, or even, even a third they're striking, they're starting unions. They're advocating, they're speaking up. They're lobbying. So the just doesn't mean that we're going to just relax, chill out and go. Go away. Be quiet. All right. So I want to be clear about that because sometimes our reflection will lead to a louder voice, not something that's quieter. And I know that I'm not alone because I'm also sometimes the receptacle for the vent, for someone else to vent to and in the same way. And a lot of times those reactions are the same, shut down, disengage, walk away. And that is not going to bring change. And I know we're tired of trying. I know we're tired of the fight that is unjustified. The it's, it is, Totally maddening. I get that with everything. I, with every fiber of my being, I get that. This is why I work so hard on creating strategies for myself to protect my own mental health. And yeah, I think it's a personal decision. I think that if you're protecting your own mental health, By disengaging and by walking away and advocating isn't something that you have the bandwidth for or the passion for or the interest in, I think that's okay to go do something that you feel more in alignment with that brings you more joy. I think that's an okay response. Walk away. But if we're going to stay in it, we've got to protect our own brains. So our own mind, body, and spirit. we have to figure out how to right wrongs. in a healthy way, in a way that's healthy for us. And that actually impacts, makes it that actually makes the impact. So this is what I've been struggling with this week. I'd love to hear your stories. I would love to hear your strategies. And if you need somebody to unpack that your own situation with, I would love to talk to you. I'd love to talk to nurses who are dealing with different things and being aware of the issues that are coming up and getting a handle on what the root cause of the problem is so that we can really go after it and make a difference and change healthcare for everyone. All right. So this is a little different than maybe some of the past episodes. if you enjoyed this episode, Subscribe and share. And if you want to leave a message or respond to this at all, I've got a voice recorder in the show notes. So Scroll down to the notes, click the link and leave me a voice message. I'd love to hear from you. And whether you are a nurse or not, this is important for women, for employees, Simon Sinek said, many people at the top of organizations are not leaders. They have authority, but they are not leaders. And many at the bottom with no authority are absolutely leaders. You guys go out and be a leader wherever you are, Remember that you are your greatest asset. Protect the health of your mind, body, and spirit. as you show up as a leader that you are and default to yes, your extraordinary self.