How My New Year's Resolutions Have Changed in Recovery
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Introduction and Welcome
Tara: Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I'm your host, Tara McCausland, and I have here with me my awesome co host, Justin B. Hey, Justin.
Justin: Hey, Tara. It's good to get back together with you and do these Q&As again. I'm excited to get back at it.
Tara: Yeah.
Announcement: Men's Online Workshop
Tara: And before we actually get into our discussion, a brief announcement for our [00:01:00] listeners.
So February 24th, 10 a.m. Mountain Time, SAL 12 step is putting on a men's online workshop, which we're pretty excited about. This will be a free event, just a couple of hours long.
Workshop Details and Expectations
Justin: Oh, I'm really excited about it. And at this point, it's open to all men who have the link and want to get in. It's our first one we've ever done with SAL on the men's side. We're going to have two sections. It'll be a workshop. We'll have workbooks, we'll have some role play. We'll have a Q & A. We'll have some interaction in these things. The first section we'll cover, for about 45 minutes or so, will be about communication between the spouses after disclosure.
And then the second part will be on sponsorship in 12 step work. One of the scarier things for somebody who has come in is one, to work the steps and we're always trying to look for easier, softer ways to do things. Well, if I'm going to really be serious, I need to work the steps. But number two, once I've [00:02:00] worked the steps, is sponsoring others through the steps. It's super scary. So we're going to really address sponsorship and why it's important, how we can do it, why it shouldn't be as scary as we sometimes think it is.
How to Join the Workshop
Justin: So we will make sure that the link is put up on the website there. We'll also distribute the zoom link throughout the men's SAL meetings and we'll make sure it's also in the show notes of these podcasts over the next few times that we put it out.
Tara: Great. Okay. Well awesome. Free resource. So we hope you'll take advantage of that. Okay.
Transition to Q&A: New Year's Resolutions in Recovery
Tara: Well, without further ado, our Q and A. Since we are in January, and this tends to be a New Year's resolution goal setting month for many of us, we actually thought it would be interesting and helpful for our listeners who are working their recovery to consider: How do I make New Year's resolutions while working recovery, and is there a difference?
The Role of God in Setting Goals
Tara: And so, I actually ran into this really cool quote to start us off because [00:03:00] for me, I have also shifted in how I make my goals in the new year. And while I'm not working recovery in the same way that someone with an addiction or acute betrayal trauma might, I have recognized the need to ensure that God is playing a role in that.
And so I found this really cool quote. I wanted you to riff off this for a minute, Justin. A quote by, I don't know who this is, A. W. Tozer. And he said, “As God is exalted to the right place in our lives, a thousand problems are solved all at once.” So with that in mind, Justin, how has working recovery shifted the way that you set goals?
Justin: Yeah, I love that. And that quote takes me directly to a section in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous leading into the taking of step three. And step three is when I decide to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand God. But leading into that in the [00:04:00] big book, we have a section that talks about the director where I, as a human, as an addict, as whatever, try to run the play.
I'm trying to be the director of the play. I'm trying to make sure the lights are correct, that the lines are all everything, everything's in place. And in taking step three, I step back and say, “You know, I am no longer the director. I'm now a stagehand, and I do exactly what the director says and nothing else.”
And when God is in that place as the director, the whole play goes together smoothly. Things happen according to God's will.
Personal Experiences with Goal Setting in Recovery
Justin: And with that in mind, setting goals, making decisions at the beginning of a new year, has changed drastically for me over the last handful of years as I've been in recovery.
I don't know about you Tara, but you know, for most of my life, a new year's resolution was “This year I am going to do this... I'm going to make a million dollars. I'm going to lose 50 pounds. I'm going to do this.” I'm setting these goals. And I don't know about you, but for me, within two weeks or a month, those things are [00:05:00] long forgotten. Long forgotten. And and
I honestly can't think of a single New Year's resolution that I set that way that I kept. I may have, but I can't think of one. Something's shifted, though, in my life in the last couple of years. And, I'd like to get your take on this a little bit.
The Power of One Day at a Time Approach
Justin: First off I have learned to live more one day at a time rather than a year at a time. And I've learned more to say, “You know what, God, my little plans and designs are no longer that important. What are your plans and designs for me?”
And so what I've done, and I'll ask you to give me some feedback on this here in a second, Tara, is the last two years, instead of saying, “Hey, these are my goals,” I have sat down in my step 11 practice, which is improving my conscious contact with God, seeking His will for me in order to help others and said, “Hey, God, what do you want me to be aware of this year? What do you want me to do this year?”
And totally [00:06:00] keep the slate blank and let him guide me in that.
The Shift from Self-Discipline to Divine Guidance
Justin: What are your thoughts on that before I share any specifics on that?
Tara: Actually I really love that and it's interesting because you know I was that girl when I was a teenager that wrote all of my goals out on paper. I had them up on my wall and I was and continue to be a very driven person but the more I've gotten into this world of recovery and this acknowledgement and acceptance of that I am not the director. I am not in charge. What I have to give to the God of my understanding is my will. That's what I have.
And everything else that I do and am really is a gift from Him. That's my belief. He gives me the power to do and to create, et cetera. And so I found it to be so empowering to, as you said, kind of set aside, “What do I want to do?” And open myself up to God, “What does this [00:07:00] really look like for you?”
And so even in my role as executive director, and I'm not really good at this, but I'm trying to get better. I want God to be the CEO. And so what does that look like for me if I were to “set a goal.” Rather than me setting specific numbers for SA Lifeline, I try to tap into that vertical connection and ask Him, “What does success look like for you? And how are we going to do this together?”
Justin: Yeah, I love that. And that's kind of the way I've approached that. And I want to share last year. So 2023’s vision or words that I needed to be aware of and [the] plan that God had for me last year was summarized in three words. It was “All things new.”
And that's the words that God gave me at the beginning of 2023, and He said, “Just be aware, look for, ask for, listen [00:08:00] so that you can learn old things in new ways, all things new.” As I kept my focus on that one day at a time - “God, what is happening in my life today that I can learn from a new perspective?”
I had so many new angles of things coming, just insights and “Aha” moments that were just sent in - I was like, I've heard this, I've read this a million times and all of a sudden it's a whole new way of seeing it. And that was massive. Now this year, as I sat down with God and I said, “Okay, what do I need to be aware of this year?” The words that came to me were “Into action, be anxiously engaged, get into action.”
And, you know, that's something that I'm actually fighting. I'm actually fighting against that with all, I mean, white knuckled nails in the ground. I don't want to do that. One of my biggest character defects is procrastination and avoidance.
And so when I got these words, I was like, okay, and I [00:09:00] felt excited about it. And what did I do? I immediately went and played video games for two hours. I got right into action, let me tell you. And it's something that I'm fighting with right now in my life.
I've got some things at work that I've got some deadlines and I'm just kind of pushing it off. Oh, I've got until January 20th to do this. It's going to get hairy if I wait until January 20th. I need to get into action, into action. Any feedback on maybe not necessarily the resolutions or the goals that I have there or the words that I'm focusing on these years, but on that process?
The Impact of Humility and Openness on Progress
Tara: Yeah. Well, first of all, thanks for the authenticity. Just because we're open to God's feedback doesn't always make it easy to implement, right? I think it's always that one day at a time approach. I think if we look too far ahead, whether it's in recovery or in anything that we want to change, discouragement can set in. But if we have a one [00:10:00] day at a time approach, believing and trusting that the God of our understanding will bring us from day to day, give us what we need from day to day. Really be willing to follow that direction, as much as we can, we will progress. That type of humility and openness just lends itself to progression.
But I did also want to say this is so different. And this approach is so different from the “I mentality.” I will do this, I have the discipline, I have the willpower. Because most of the time, we can't drum it up, right?
Most of the time we can't drum it up on our own. There are things that we can do to become more disciplined. Yes. But if, rather than looking to ourselves for that strength, we look upward, things shift and things that we've been trying to change in ourselves for maybe decades might just, within months, just fall off, right?
I wanted to read something to you and you'll kind of laugh, Justin, because [00:11:00] I was doing some light reading in the white book, the SA white book. You know that you were in this field when you're reading the white book for fun. But actually I've really enjoyed it.
I came across on page 59 in this again, the SA white book, this really interesting quote. And I'll try and give some context here for our listeners, but just understanding that change requires a change of heart and sometimes we can't change our hearts.
That's a God thing. And so as they're putting it here in the second paragraph it says, “Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference, or the difference being this change of heart and change of attitude, long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life. That such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often [00:12:00] takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline. With few exceptions, our members find they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource, which they presently identify with their own conception of a power, capital P, greater than themselves.”
What do you think, Justin?
Justin: You know, I just love this whole reading in here. And as you mentioned, it comes from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the very last pages of the big book. This is kind of how it closes out on pages 569 and 570 with the spiritual experience. And I can say it no better than what was said there.
I mean, oftentimes, when I am in the midst of this recovery process, I don't recognize the change that's happening in myself. In fact, I get quite frustrated. Man, I've been working at this for three months. Yeah, I'm sober, but I'm not seeing any change. [00:13:00] Well, those who are watching from the outside can often see that change much quicker than I can.
And even if they don't recognize it, even if they don't acknowledge it, because oftentimes we, especially us sex addicts, our spouses do not want to acknowledge the change for a while because it still hurts. They are still feeling the trauma and they're like, “Why am I not feeling this?”
When in reality, if they're working their recovery, they're also making changes that the addict is seeing long before they see it themselves. But it's such a really cool thing when I give myself over to a power greater than myself and try to just do it one day at a time, the changes that happen may seem really small, but they're making a big difference.
That one degree of change is totally shifting my trajectory in the long run. And what I love is this line here. “What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline,”[00:14:00] by decades of self discipline. Sure, I tried to self discipline myself for decades, and it didn't work until I gave myself to the simple program and said, “God, discipline me rather than me discipline myself.”
Tara: Mm, I love that. Well, and I know that this might all sound kind of like pie in the sky, maybe even a little cheesy to people who are listening. And I get that sometimes it might feel and sound like that until you've experienced it.
And so what we might suggest to you is that rather than just sitting down and making your New Year's resolutions that might include recovery goals, starting first with a humble openness and asking the God of your understanding in prayer or some type of meditation, “What does progress look like to You for me this year?” And, “Give me something that You will help me with to progress and [00:15:00] change this year.”
And for me, honestly, I've loved goal setting for many, many years, but I have come to recognize that I can kick against the pricks and have my own agenda, or I can turn myself over to God with a humble heart. And He will do with me so much more than I can do with me.
So there's a simple to-do: ask God with a humble heart. Start there and He will take you, one day at a time, to wholeness, to healing, to recovery, to joy. That's been my experience.
Justin: I love that.
The Power of a Simple Prayer: “God, Use Me”
Justin: I want to add one more thing. One person, a mentor of mine in recovery, has adopted a very, very simple prayer in her life over the last year or so. And I love it. And this prayer is - God, use me. That's it. That's what it is. Use me.
And then making myself available to be used [00:16:00] for whatever God's purposes are. And I think that's a great way to look at this. I'm not going to tell you, God, what I'm going to do. You tell me what to do, and I'll follow that.
So, it does sound like pie in the sky. It does sound hippy dippy. It sounds kooky. A handful of years ago, if somebody would have said this to me, I'd be, “Ugh, you're nuts.”
But as I look back at my life - before that, if I'm honest with myself, all the self-discipline that I tried, “I'm going to push through this no matter what,” it didn't work. And all of a sudden, this stuff works.
Tara: And there it is. You can't argue with the fruits. Right? So maybe I'll end with this quote again. “As God is exalted to the right place in our lives, a thousand problems are solved all at once.”
Conclusion and Farewell
Tara: So to our listeners, we wish you the very best on your recovery journey this year in 2024. But remember to keep God at the center [00:17:00] and you will be successful one day at a time.Thanks so much for being with us.
Justin: We'll catch you next time. [00:18:00]