12 Steps 101
Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast. Welcome to another Q& A, and welcome Justin. Thanks for being here.
Justin: Thank you, Tara. I look forward to this.
Tara: Being in a new year and as we have been finishing up the recovery puzzle - that was kind of what we were focusing on in our last season, Justin and I were talking about what would be most beneficial to our listeners to focus on.
You're aware, if you've been listening for a while, that a subset of SA Lifeline is our SAL 12 step program, and this is a traditional 12 step program. We are God centered and non denominational and we use the traditional 12 steps with a few modifications in our groups.
And so we actually wanted to introduce you to the 12 steps, generally talk a little bit about the history of where 12 step came from and just give you a snapshot of the 12 steps. And we're going to dive into the 12 steps in 2024 to help you [00:01:00] understand why the 12 steps, what they mean, some of the nuances around the 12 steps, and how they've blessed our lives as we've implemented them.
So Justin, he's more of an expert on this than I am. You've been working the 12 step program, a 12 step program for how many years?
Justin: A little over a decade, a little over 10 years.
Tara: A little over a decade. So yeah, you know this stuff. And I know in your humility, you'll say, “Well, I've got a lot to learn.” But Justin knows a lot about the 12 steps. But do you want to give us a background on where the 12 steps even came from?
Justin: Yeah, I'll give a little background. So, the founders of the 12 step movement were Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith. Bill W,. Bill Wilson, he's now dead so his anonymity is no longer there. But Bill Wilson was a guy who was just an alcoholic, hopeless. His story is powerful and painful and redemptive; you can read it in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. But what happened is Bill [00:02:00] Dr. Bob Smith figured out the solution to alcoholism, which was a program of action based on giving your will in your life over to the care of God as you understand God and giving back after you've cleaned house. Where they learned this was in a combination of in the hospital from psychologists and from a religious group called the Oxford Group in the 1930s.
The Oxford Group was a small group of Christians who tried to live first century Christianity as purely as possible. Anyways, over the years between 1935 and 1939, when the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous was put out and the fellowship Alcoholics Anonymous was created, Bill sat down and had a connection with God and said, “God, what do we need to do to make this happen?”
And the story is that God gave him these 12 steps. He wrote them down and here they are for us to use almost a hundred years later. [00:03:00] So that's a very general and quick background in the history of where the 12 steps come from.
Tara: Awesome. So it was AA that was the beginning of the 12 step movement. And since then, there have been just branches from that, right? There are a number of 12 step groups. Do you have any idea how many different types of 12 step groups there are out there?
Justin: Easily 100 different ones. It may be higher than that. I mean, there's nail biters anonymous and there's, you know, just anything you can think of.
Tara: Yeah, and in my recent interview with Dan Drake, I appreciated what he said. Some people might say, “Ah, the 12 steps. How does that apply to me?”
Obviously, and in the work of recovery that we do with people dealing with sexual addiction and betrayal trauma, we see a value there. But for a lot of people, even in the recovery world, they may wonder what's there for me in the 12 steps? Dan Drake and his experience working with sexual addicts and their spouses says anyone [00:04:00] really can benefit from working in these 12 steps. They just make you an overall better human being. And as we go through them, you'll learn why. I also was recently reading a book by Brene Brown. And she said, “You know, all the stuff that they say, they kind of tease about the AA meetings being in the basement with the old, you know, cat posters on the wall.” But she said, “These guys get it. And this stuff works.” That's the Brene Brown ism that I wanted to share. But in your experience, why the 12?
Justin: For me, why? Because nothing else that I tried worked. So the first step in the 12 steps, I'm going to tie back to what I just shared there by reading this, is we admitted we were powerless over, and this is the 12 steps of SAL, “We admitted we were powerless over sexual addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable”
The reason why I did not come into the 12 step room for many, many, many years, was because there was no way I was going to admit [00:05:00] powerlessness or unmanageability in my life. Anytime I heard somebody say that, I just would say “You are a weak, weak person. Because I'm not powerless over anything. I can do anything I set my mind to.”
While for decades, I proved to myself that I could not because obviously I couldn't stop. My sexual misbehaviors and acting out, things that I was doing are why I eventually came into the rooms because I've tried everything else and I can't do it. May as well try this and give it a shot.
Tara: So it was essentially the acceptance of your unmanageability that brought you into the 12 steps rooms.
Justin: Yes, the reluctant acceptance, absolutely reluctant acceptance. Yes.
Tara: And you know what? How often do we hear that story, right? “I've tried everything else, so I'm just going to give this a try.”
Justin: Yeah. Who wants to be identified in a 12 step room? We picture it as a bunch of people in trench coats and you know, just creepy creeps and I'd never want to [00:06:00] be associated with those types of people. Man, I'm grateful I'm associated with those types of people. They're the best types of people there are.
Tara: Yeah, I love it. So, as I said at the beginning, we're going to quickly review the 12 Steps of SAL, and we will go over these individually. Justin's going to take the opportunity in later episodes to talk to individuals about their experience with the steps. But let's start at one. You already read that one.
Again, this is the 12 steps of SAL, if you go to a different group, there might be a little bit of a variation, but for the most part, this is what you'll read when you're looking at the 12 steps. So go ahead, Justin.
Justin: Yeah. The first step reads, “We admitted we were powerless over sexual addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
And really, this is step one, because this is the foundation of the whole program. If I'm not willing to admit powerlessness or unmanageability, all the rest of the steps are going to be built on sand. The foundation will be a sandy foundation and it will [00:07:00] fall. If I'm not ready to admit that, 12 step may be the solution for me yet. Notice I put the word yet in there, right?
Tara: And really quickly, I just have to say that. That's what finally brought my father into the rooms of recovery and my mom as well. It took her a little longer to get into 12 step work herself and often it will for a betrayed partner because they may ask, “What does this have to do with me?” But that admittance of powerlessness over the addict in your life is often the first step of recovery for a betrayed partner.
Justin: Yeah, and I think that sets us a nice foundation for step one. Now, once again, I'll be having hour-long conversations with different people about each of these steps.
We're going to dig way deeper into this, but we're just going to touch on this. All right, step two reads, “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Now step one's the foundation, step two is the cornerstone. I have to, for me, [00:08:00] I'm speaking for myself, I had to admit that there is a God, and that I am not God, that power is greater than me.
And I grew up a very religious person, so I always thought, “I already know God, I believe God, I believe God is more powerful than me.” But my actions and my way of life did not bear that out. I had to come to the point where a power greater than myself is not me, and it's not my dad, and it's not my teacher, it's not this person, it's not my wife, you know, it has to be something that is beyond human.
Tara: Yes. And on the betrayed side, I've heard betrayed partners say, “I had to realize that I had to stop playing God in the life of my addicted loved one. I had to turn that person over to God.” Do you mind if I read step three? “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
Justin: Yeah, as I mentioned, step one is the foundation, step two is the cornerstone, step three is [00:09:00] the keystone, the keystone of recovery. [It is ] that I make that decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, not to God, to the care of God, as I understand God. And that's a huge decision, but it's one that I have to make one day at a time.
It's not this magical, “I'm gonna make this choice once, and the rest of my life, I am walking with God.” It's a day at a time, moment at a time decision, and it's super powerful.
Tara: Hmm, love that. Four is “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” Before I let Justin speak to this, I know that this can be really challenging for a betrayed partner. Because often we've come into the rooms of recovery, we've come into 12 step because we have been victimized in many ways. There has been an injustice in our life.
And so for us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and look at our [00:10:00] feelings and our weaknesses sometimes might feel a little backward. However, I have seen how this is incredibly empowering for women. Just like with my mom's book, it's titled, What can I do about me?, a big part of the healing process for a betrayed partner is recognizing there is nothing I can do to fix this person.
And I, me being God in their life has not changed anything. But I can look at myself and turn my life over to the care of God and changes I make within myself can change my circumstances. I may not be changing him or her, but there are things within me that are affecting my life, my well being and that can be very empowering
Justin: Yeah, and thank you for making that point there, Tara. You know so often the step four is looked at as “I'm an evil person. I did some really terrible things and now I need to recognize those things,” whereas… [00:11:00] It's a really hard thing to go through for anybody, whether it's the addict or whether it's the betrayed, whether it's somebody who may not have any addictive relations in their own life.
Still, every religious faith I can think of, there's the concept of confession, of repentance, of change, of becoming a new creature, of karma, of putting out good rather than bad, you know, whatever it is, it's not just a recovery concept. This is a, I'm going to use this word, “eternal.” This is an eternal principle that I need to self evaluate and make changes, no matter if I'm an addict or not.
And that's what step four is, the inventory, the self reflection of “What do I need to change?”
Tara: Right. And that humility piece, that's where this really comes in handy. That humble, open heart. Awesome. So can you read the next one for us, Justin?
Justin: Yeah. Step five, “Admitted to God, to ourselves and to [00:12:00] another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
And that's just taking the next step of step four. That's saying, “Okay, I've done this self reflection. I've written it down. I've got it all on paper. Now I need to admit it out loud. I need to say it out loud too, to myself, which is really hard sometimes. I don't want to admit that I actually did that to another person.”
A lot of people will say, “Well, why do I need to do it with another person?” Because then it's not a secret anymore. Somebody else knows everything about me, and guess what? I'm still alive. They still love me. I haven't been rejected. I'm good.
I'm going to read this real quick, in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the fifth step promises is, “Once I take the fifth step, and I've admitted my wrongs to somebody else, to God, myself, and somebody else, I can look the world in the eye. I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. My fears fall from me. I begin to feel the nearness of my creator.”
[00:13:00] I may have had certain spiritual beliefs before, but now those begin to become spiritual experiences. These promises of being able to look the world in the eye. I couldn't even look myself in the eye in the mirror before I did this. And now I can make eye contact with people and not think “I'm not worthy of doing this.” Massive, massive promises there.
Tara: So six, along these lines, “We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” And then I'm going to carry on with seven,”Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.”
And then eight, these all kind of tie together, “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.” Speaking more from a betrayed perspective, this emphasis on me righting the wrongs that I have done, again, can almost feel a little backward. We might even feel angry, again because we have been [00:14:00] victimized. There has been injustice in our lives that we didn't deserve, that we didn't cause, that wasn't our fault.
But what's so incredible about this process is that if you talk to people that have worked through these steps, what they find is that they feel free, they feel empowered. They don't have to hide behind the facade of perfection anymore because they recognize that they can be accepted and loved as they are. Betrayal trauma, just like sexual addiction, causes us to put up walls, to appear to be something that we are not because we're hiding under so much pain. And we often isolate.
So in these actions from four all the way through nine, we are freeing ourselves from our own weaknesses and limitations and recognizing I am loved. I am enough as I am, and God will help me change as I humbly do so.
Justin: Yeah, so six and seven, [00:15:00] basically, they're very “simple” steps. They're not easy, simple steps. When I did my inventory, I recognized these were the root causes of the actions. These are the things that made me think it was okay to do this, or okay to say that, or okay to think this. My selfishness, my self centeredness, my laziness, my whatever it is, I'm identifying those character defects and I'm saying, “Okay God, I'm willing that you take them away. I'm going to ask that you take them away. And I'm going to keep doing that over and over again because I'm going to take them back all the time.”
And steps 8 and 9 that you referenced, that's where I go when I try to make things right with people that I've harmed. And that can be done in lots of different ways. Some people will do it in words. Some people will do it with action. Some people will, you know, do it financially, whatever it is that the sponsor and you decide.
One of the things that you talked about there with the step eight - I make that list and I become willing to make amends. I'm not making the amends yet. Step nine is where I'm making the [00:16:00] amends. And I'll read step nine here real quick, “May direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
These are correction steps. So the first three steps, I've heard people talk about connection. I'm making connection with God in those steps. First three steps are the connection steps. Steps four through nine are the correction steps. I'm correcting things in my own life that have gone wrong.
I'm not worrying about my spouse's life. I'm not worried about the neighbor's life. I'm not worried about my parents' life. I'm correcting things in my life. And then the last three steps that we'll get into here in a minute, 10, 11, 12, are the direction steps. So connection, correction, direction. And so God is surrounding each of these in, in that process. So yeah, any thoughts on any of that before we move on to 10, 11, 12?
Tara: I really love this. And I think we're taking more time than we meant to here, but you know, [00:17:00] these are worth spending time with. I was reading in the white book the other night and in that book, it makes it very clear that our issues, whether they be addiction or whatever weakness we're struggling with, it's a spiritual issue. It's a character issue. It's a heart issue. And often that is fueled by our resentments toward other people. And it is our resentments that make it easy for us to justify behaviors. And so I think [by] making amends with other people we clear out those resentments.
And then the fuel for the behavior, the negative behavior that's ruining us, that's killing us, loses its power. I thought that was really cool. And when we think about the scary stuff of making amends with people, it's like, yes, that feels maybe terrifying just thinking about it. But if you imagine that you're eliminating the fuel [00:18:00] that drives the fire, right? The negative behavior. And wow, it's an incredibly powerful step.
Justin: Yeah, and when we get to steps 8 and 9, 11 and 12, all of these in this series that we talk about, we'll be diving into the promises that are promised to those who work these steps and really live them. And they are powerful. The step nine promises are amazing. We'll get into those and I'm excited about them.
Tara: So let's finish off with 12. I'll read it. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” I love that, promptly admitted it. What did you want to say about that?
Justin: Step 10 is all about immediacy. It's admitting right now. It's making things right immediately. And it's turning our thoughts resolutely to someone we can be of service to and making that change. This is something we should be going about in our everyday life and implementing this as quickly as possible.
Steps 10 and 11 can be done right now. You [00:19:00] don't have to wait till you get to steps 10 and 11. Now you start the process but you really dig into it then.
Tara: What I love about that is if we're promptly admitting that we were wrong, we don't have to harbor resentment. We don't have to harbor justification, we just get it out of our system. And those things, oh, they burden us, they weigh us down, so I love that. Will you read 11 for us?
Justin: Yes, step 11. “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”
Now step 11 is another one, like I said, you can start right now. You don't have to wait until you're at step 11. Improve conscious contact with God. Your will, not mine, be done. What can I do to be of service to somebody else? Not saying, “Hey, bless me with this, bless me with that.” It's, “How can I help you use me?”
Tara: And one of the things that I really hope that we can get into more is this concept of two way prayer that is a familiar concept [00:20:00] to well versed 12 step goers. But I think in recovery, this is one of the neatest gifts that comes from working this program is we come to understand prayer and meditation in a totally different way.
And it becomes almost a superpower if we can really embrace step 11, which is this seeking, this constant connection with God through prayer and meditation. And finally, the last and final step is, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives.” Justin, what do you think?
Justin: This is what brings everything together. If I just work the first 11 steps and say, “ I'm not giving back, I'm not going to stay sober. I'm not going to stay sober for long.” This is what keeps it going. And it's a religious concept. It's a life concept. What you give comes back [00:21:00] to you. When you are converted, strengthen your brothers all of these different things. It's when that change happens, give it back because you'll be compensated in spades.
Tara: And I've heard my dad say, “The only way that I know how to stay in recovery is to heavily work my step 12.” And he's enjoyed now 18 years of not just sobriety, but of strong recovery from sexual addiction. Both of my parents have worked this principle hard in their lives and they continue to, and they say, “I guess the only out from this is death.” It seems to be their life's mission, but they talk about the great blessings in working their step 12.
And I see it. I see it in the lives of so many, like you, Justin. I see when people are willing to give back what they have been given, that's where the joy is. [00:22:00] There's where the fulfillment is. That's where wholeness and life is, I feel like. And so I'm so excited about really delving into these steps and hope that for our listeners, you can come to really appreciate, not just from a recovery standpoint, these things. But if you've been working the program long enough, this is no longer about recovery from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. It becomes healthy living. And this is where a fullness and wholeness and joyful life is found, working these steps. So thank you, Justin, for talking through these with me. Thank you listeners for being here with us. We'll catch you next time.