Q&A - Is God powerful enough/good enough to restore me to sanity?
Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast. I'm Tara McCausland and welcome to my co host, Justin B. Hey, Justin. How are you?
Justin: It's good to be here, Tara.
Tara: Thank you for being here. And thank you to our listeners for being here. We really appreciate you. We wouldn't have a podcast if we didn't have listeners.
Exploring Step Two: The Power of Understanding God in Recovery
Tara: So the question that we're answering today revolves around step two. [00:01:00] But the question is, is the God of my understanding strong enough, powerful enough to restore me to sanity?
For most of us, if we are working recovery, if we've found ourselves in the rooms of recovery, we have probably had some questions about, is God there perhaps? And who is that God in association with me? What is my relationship to this God or higher power? And maybe some of us feel that this God has failed us and we're not sure that he is powerful enough to restore us to sanity because we've struggled for so long.
So what are your thoughts about that, Justin?
Personal Reflections on Reimagining God's Role in Recovery
Justin: Yeah, Tara, thank you for asking. I was five years sober and seven years in the rooms of recovery when I was introduced to a new way of looking at step two, in which I had to really reassess who the God of my understanding was.
Is that God strong enough? Loving enough? Caring enough to deliver me from[00:02:00] my stuff? And I've shared before, you know, as an Orthodox Jew, this concept of firing my old God and hiring a new God, I just thought it was so blasphemous. And then as I listened to him further and I thought, “Wait, no, I need to do this.”
It's because the God of my understanding was full of the faces of people in my life who had influence over me and were powerful. And I couldn't get out from under them. And I went through and did an exercise that just changed my whole perception of God in my life. And it was a very powerful thing. It's super important, I think, to be able to understand enough about God to, and believe that God can and will restore me to sanity. I hope that answers that question or is helpful.
Tara: I think one of the curious things about this is that for many of us, we have been highly religious. As we're coming into the work of recovery, we've been highly religious [00:03:00] people going to church on the regular, very active in our faith community.
And yet we continue to struggle with these issues. And we may have questioned our worthiness, we may have questioned the faith tradition itself, like, Is this good? Is it true? Or we may begin to question God himself again, because we've struggled so much. And the practices that we've been engaged in don't seem to be bringing the fruits that we need them to, that we want them to for healing and for peace.
So if you look in the book, Step Into Action, it's just something called a step two inventory.
The Impact of Authority Figures on Our Perception of God
Tara: And Justin was just talking about how for a lot of his life, the faces of authority figures in his life were superimposed on God. And I think we all do that to some extent. [00:04:00] So when we're going into step two sometimes we almost have to go back to square one so that we can clean this slate and hopefully get a healthier conception of this God, which will probably shift and evolve through this process.
Justin: Yeah, and thank you Tara. Yes, I think it actually has to shift and evolve through this process. A phrase that means so much to me right now is “new level, new devil, new sod, new God.” As I progress through life, if my understanding and connection with the God of my understanding does not continue to improve, that devil that's on that new level is going to be stronger than what I am and stronger than my current connection with the God of my understanding.
My belief, and I think the belief of most religions in the world is that God is not completely comprehensible in life. I will never know everything about God. I need to continue to learn more so that more [00:05:00] of God can strengthen me. This step two inventory for me was a revelatory experience and I've actually opened up my step two here, so I can do a couple of lines if we want to do that.
Examples from a Step Two Inventory
Justin: I can go through and say, “Hey, these are some of the things, some of the people and what I saw and what I perceived.”
Tara: Yeah, I'd love it if you'd share that.
Justin: Yeah. So it looks like there's probably about 20 to 25 people that I've put on this list. Powerful people, people in whose presence I felt powerless. I felt like I had no other choice other than to do what was told of me to do. And yes, I have family members and I have extended relatives and stuff like that.
But I'm going to jump to a couple of bosses. You know, I've got some bosses here. One of them was a boss I had when I was very young, 21, 22 years old. And he had cameras up everywhere in the [00:06:00] store that we worked in. And there were signs on them. “Big brother is watching on all these cameras.” And that's what I put. I put this boss's name, that's column one, who is a powerful person. What happened? And I wrote, “Big brother is always watching.”
And what I learned, what are my old ideas, what I learned about God is to quote a phrase from a hymn in my faith, [God is] “silent notes taking of every action,” just so he can catch me doing something wrong. That's the reason he's watching, is to catch me doing something wrong.
And that's how I thought God was. He's just watching to catch me doing something wrong so he can punish me. And then the last column that I put in here is, “What I choose to believe today.” What I need God to be for me today. And what I put there is, “While God is aware of all of my actions, there is repentance that will wipe the board clean and he will remember my sins no more.
So there's [00:07:00] that. There's that experience. And I'll do just another boss. I had another boss with a company I worked with and it was my first boss at that company. And he had this really long pointer finger and he pointed at everybody, just like this. Whenever he talked, it was wagging back and forth, pointed and he had a very loud and authoritative voice. I'm not a tall guy, he was a massive guy, so I [wrote down] Terry.
And “What happened?” He was very loud, and that finger was always pointing when he put me down. And then “What did I learn about God from this?” When God points me out, it is to criticize and belittle. Anytime I'm recognized by God, it's to say, “You did wrong, and I'm gonna put you down for it.”
Now, “What do I choose now? What do I need God to be now?” God does not shame me or point at me in front of others. He does want me to improve though. So there's that little insight that I have. And I have [00:08:00] lines and lines and lines of this that really opened my eyes to how I saw God and how I need to see God.
Tara: Yeah, and we need to see God in order to remove the barrier that will allow the miracle to start, right? The miracle of a restitution of sanity, which is what we're looking for if we've been in the chaos of addiction and trauma. Looking at the Step Into Action book, which is one of the main books that the men use in their meetings, I wanted to read this short paragraph. It is a personal share, page 32.
Revisiting Childhood Faith and Embracing Powerlessness
Tara: “I came into SA with what I thought was a strong faith in God that I could trust. But in hindsight, I didn't act as if I believed. And I think that can probably resonate with a lot of people. I worried about everything and tried to control everything.
It wasn't until I really saw the evidence of step one, that it became clear to me how desperately I needed the God of my childhood faith. [00:09:00] This step one evidence consisted of prolonged suffering, devastations, desperation, and an utter lack of trust in anyone, including myself. In this spiritual desolation, I began to find hope in the God that I always thought I believed in.
I had no other option but to trust God, and my God had to be trustworthy. If I trusted me, I was sunk.” So he said, “The God of my childhood is a God that loves me unconditionally, is always on my side, gives me whatever I need to overcome obstacles and grow, is blameless for pain, suffering, and evil, is omnipotent and will eventually reveal all mysteries This God I can trust. I have to.”
I really like what he said, “If I trusted me, I was sunk.” So in our Q & A about powerlessness, accepting powerlessness and unmanageability is so critical to this next step. Because until we've done that, [00:10:00] we won't be humble enough, willing enough to open ourselves up to this God who is more powerful than us and having that open heart, that brightness of hope that there is a power greater than my own that can restore me.
Justin: Yeah. And, I have to believe that what is written here “...that loves me unconditionally.” If I don't believe that, if I believe that God loves everybody else, but not me. I'm special or I'm a reject. I'm not loved unconditionally. Everybody else is always on my side. No, he's always on everybody else's side. Just not mine.
If I have that belief, the God of my understanding is not a capital “G” God who can and will deliver me and I have to make some changes. I have to make some changes and that does not mean I have to leave the religion of my youth.
It means I need to figure out “Where am I wrong?” What have I done to put this blockage between me and this power that I claim loves [00:11:00] unconditionally, but just not me. So it's a very powerful exercise.
Tara: Right.
The Journey Towards Acceptance and Trust in God
Tara: So if you're listening and you're thinking, “Yeah, a lot of this resonates with me. I'm not really sure who this God is or if I want to have a relationship with God, if I can trust this God,” I might suggest you go back to step one, see if you've really worked that step. See if you have embraced powerlessness and unmanageability, which will lead us into looking for a power, a strength greater than our own, because we have to believe that there is a solution.
And then a step two inventory, which is basically looking at, “Who do I believe God is? and “What faces have I superimposed on God from my childhood or through my adulthood, that may be coloring this God of my perception or the God of my understanding?” And through that work, I think it can be quite revelatory.
We all want to know that we are [00:12:00] loved and accepted. And especially by the God of our understanding, and that will really shift everything in our recovery journey if we can get there, but it will take some soul searching for some of us.
Justin: Yeah, it's not an easy process, but it's powerful. Very little that's easy is worth it in the end. If I want good results, I need to take difficult action.
Tara: Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Justin. Great conversation. And I hope this has been helpful to you, listener, and we hope you have a great week and we'll catch you next time. [00:13:00]