Q&A - What is one of the biggest obstacles in recovery?
Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast. I am your host Tara McCausland and I have here with me sitting across from me virtually, Justin B. Hey, Justin.
Justin: Hey Tara. It's good to see you too.
Tara: Well, and before we get into today's Q and A, we want to thank those who have taken the opportunity to rate and review Pathway to Recovery.
We're officially at a one year birthday for Pathway to Recovery. [00:01:00]
Justin: How cool is that? Awesome.
Tara: And we're not quite to our 100 ratings goal. And so we would love, love, love if you would pause this episode and take a moment to rate and review this podcast. It really does help others who are searching for this type of content to find us. So thanks again in advance for your willingness to work your 12 step.
And also just another plug for our ambassador program. It's really cool. Justin, You know, when I brought this program up, I thought, “I'm not sure if people are going to jump on this train,” but I'm really excited to say that we've had some great interest and we've got a handful of confirmed ambassadors from all over the country. And [we’re] really excited about that, but we still would love to invite more to join us in the effort to share this message of hope - that recovery from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma is possible. So if you're interested in that, you can go to salifeline.org and go under “Who We Are” on the tabs and find the [00:02:00] ambassador program.
Justin: Okay.
Exploring the Biggest Obstacle to Successful Recovery: Fear
Tara: Well, today's Q and A, this is a topic that I think, regardless of whether or not we have struggled with addiction or trauma, this is an issue that is so much a part of the human experience.
And so you're wondering, what is it? Well, the question is, “What is one of the biggest obstacles to successful recovery?” And so Justin you're going to tell us, what is this thing?
Justin's Personal Journey with Fear in Recovery
Justin: Yeah, for me, one of the biggest things that I didn't realize was a big thing for me until much later in my recovery work is fear. You know, when I first came into the rooms to work on my steps, I got what I call “short man syndrome.” I'm a short man in stature and I've got to walk with a strut. I've got to look like I know what I'm doing and look things that appear threatening to me in the eye and stare them down.
So I think I have no fear. At least I have to portray that. And as I've worked longer in recovery, I'm realizing just how much fear is in my life. And the reason [00:03:00] why I feel like I have to look things in the eyes, is because I'm afraid. And fear just dominates so many parts of so many people's lives.
Tara: If we were to get really vulnerable, really honest, we all have things that we are afraid of. We probably all have our list of things that you know, ABC, I hope these things never happened to me, or I hope that this is not a part of my story. I think we probably never made an actual list like that, but I have a few things in my brain that sometimes settle there and I get nervous.
Justin: So, as part of working recovery, in step four, we do a written moral inventory. Part of that, you got your resentments, and then the second part is fears. Fears. So I have made a list of all my fears several times as I've worked step four in my life. And that list has changed a lot.
When I first started working recovery, I thought, well, fears, I'm not afraid of the dark, or at least I won't admit that I'm afraid of the [00:04:00] dark. I'm not afraid of heights, at least. And those were the types of fears that I thought of - the dark, height, death, sickness, you know, those types of things were the things that I thought would be considered as fears. But that's really changed a lot over my time working recovery.
And if you don't mind, Tara, I'd like to read just a little bit from the Big Book [of Alcoholics Anonymous] in the section that talks about fears and the Step 4 Fear Inventory. Is that okay?
Tara: Yeah, sure.
Justin: Okay, this starts on page 68 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. “We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them down on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.” Maybe I did have some resentment in connection with the fears, but this is what it says. “We asked ourselves why we had them.”
And this next phrase, this next question is super powerful. Why do I have these fears? “Wasn't it because self reliance failed us? Self reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self confidence.” There's the short man syndrome, great self [00:05:00] confidence. “But it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other problem. And when it made us cocky, it was worse. And there it was.”
So, what were some of the fears? What are some of the fears that I have that really make me stumble? One, that I don't measure up, I'm not good enough. I fear rejection, I fear that someone will reject me for whatever reason.
These are things that I would not even have been aware of 10 years ago when I first worked my steps. I wasn't even close to being aware of [the] fear of rejection. It was all fear from exterior physical forces rather than the emotions that were within me. Any thoughts on that Tara?
Tara: Oh, well, I really liked that reading from the Big Book. And what really stuck out to me was that self reliance, was it “The self reliance only took me so far”?
Justin: Yes.
Tara: And I know that when I [00:06:00] really consider what my fears are, because that's using 12 step language, that is a defect that I am aware of and that I have to work through. I know that the source of my fear has been me relying upon my own ability.
I'm afraid I might not measure up, that I might not have the ability, the intelligence, you know, you fill in the blank to do X, Y, Z. But when I've been able to then recognize, “Okay, I need to not have self reliance. I need to have God reliance.” That's where my focus has to be and then that's when things start shifting in me.
Justin: I love that step four comes after step three, you know, that was a genius saying right there. But step three is that I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand God.
I give everything to God. And step four, I start looking at the things that are blocking me from God. What are some of the things that block me? Is it [00:07:00] resentment? Is it fear? Is it the harm I've done to others? And if in step three, I have truly taken that step and given my will and my life over to the care of God, then fear should evaporate.
I'm going to read the next paragraph on page 68 here, or at least a few sentences of it. “Perhaps there is a better way. We think so, for we are now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God.” I'm on the step three basis right now, that I trust in God. I've given my will and my life to God, and I trust that whatever is happening is His will. I'm in the world to play the role God assigns.
And oh, this next sentence is super important. “Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.” Does He enable me when something happens that could trigger a whole lot of fear, when I feel like, “Oh, this [00:08:00] person's rejecting me.”
That's a calamity, but I can match it with serenity if I rely on God. “Oh, you know what? That person probably isn't even thinking about me. They're probably just doing their thing. They're busy in life, and because they turned away and went the other way, that does not reflect on me.”
My value hasn't changed. I am still an agent of God, someone who's striving to do God's will and I think that's something that's super important in my life - to be able to say, “You know, I'm going to replace fear.”
The Role of Fear in Addictive Behaviors
Tara: Yeah. Well, I think that when fear takes the wheel, that's when we can see the negative behaviors come out to play, right? Or the coping mechanisms, the numbing behaviors. So I'm curious, would you say it's accurate that fear is one of the primary drivers of addictive behavior?
Justin: Oh, definitely. Definitely. [00:09:00] Yeah. And it looks different, you know, like I mentioned, you know, fear of rejection being one of my big ones, not measuring up.
Well, I know where I can go where I'm not rejected. If I'm an alcoholic, I can go to the bottle. If I'm a sex addict, I can go to the computer. If I'm a food addict, I can go to the refrigerator. I have not been rejected by those things. Until I am, until it's a disaster.
But, if I'm able to match calamity with serenity, then I don't have to go to the fridge. I don't have to go to the computer or my phone. I don't have to go to the bottle. I can go to God and match that calamity with serenity.
Tara's Reflections on Fear, Faith, and Family
Tara: Well, as I consider how fear has manifested for me and when it comes specifically to the subject of sexual addiction and betrayal trauma, I remember feeling a lot of fear as a teenager and as a young adult.
As a teenager, I didn't know what we were really up against. Neither did my parents, but I saw the pain [00:10:00] in my mother's eyes and I could see the disconnection in my father. And I knew that there was something wrong. I wasn't sure if their relationship would survive. And you know, that was long before disclosure. And when disclosure actually happened, oh boy, did fear ever hit hard like a wave that crashed on me. I remember the grief and I was so afraid of what the future held as far as “What would happen to my family moving forward?”
But since then, I've recognized as I've continued my journey as the daughter of a recovering addict, the power of surrender and what that can do for me. And I know that when I'm in a fearful state and when I was in that place of fear as a daughter viewing my parents suffering, I was placing my faith very often in outcomes.
But I've [00:11:00] learned since then that if I can place my faith not in outcomes, but in the God of my understanding, then just like he said in that reading, any calamity that may come, I believe that God is big enough to carry me through it.
Justin: Yeah, that's beautiful. A couple of different phrases come to mind. You know, you mentioned that fear came in like a tidal wave, like it rushed in like a giant wave when that happened. Is my family going to look like maybe some of these other families that I know that have gone through absolutely disastrous divorces and everything?
When I take my step three and really mean it, and not just one time, all day, every day, as often as I need to. Giving my will and life to God and saying, “Your will, not mine, be done,” I can face that calamity with serenity, knowing that even if a marriage is disastrously dissolved, even if [00:12:00] something tragic happens in my life, I can trust that God has me and God has a plan for me, and that plan is not going to be frustrated by external forces if I trust in God.
Tara: In those hard moments, I know that what helps me most to again, place my faith not in outcomes, but in God, [is] I just look back and I remember when I've been carried through the calamity and I believe that He can do it again, no matter what's up ahead.
Embracing the Present for Serenity
Tara: So I think that also brings up the point of the only place we can have real serenity is in the present. If we can be where our feet are and trust that God wherever, whatever comes, whatever is up ahead, He'll be with us and we can withstand some real hard things with Him at our center.
Justin: Beautiful. Yeah. I don't know that I have anything to add to that. Now is the only time that I can have [00:13:00] serenity in. If I'm worried about the future, that's anxiety. If I'm worried about the past and things happening again, I'm living in fear and I'm stopping my progression. Either way, I just need to live now and trust that God has me, and it's a beautiful thing.
Tara: Thank you so much, Justin. Appreciate the conversation. And just to our listeners, so you know, these are not scripted conversations. It's as much of a surprise to us as it may be to you as you're listening, what comes out, but we hope it's God led as we talk about some hard things. So thanks to our listeners for being here and we will catch you next time. [00:14:00]