Heal & Grow with Nickie
Join your host, Nickie Kromminga Hill, and her guests on a journey of personal stories and insights into healing and growth from past and current trauma. The focus is on fostering true connections through conversations centered around vulnerability and authenticity. The goal is to collectively heal and find opportunities for growth, promoting a sense of togetherness.
Heal & Grow with Nickie
26. You Are Not A Bother
So many times I hear (especially from the older generation,) "I don't want to bother you." Here's the thing, friends. You are NOT a bother. I am NOT a bother. We are humans who need help.
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Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice.
Nickie is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast.
This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
I know it's not quite Thanksgiving, but here is a silly Thanksgiving joke for you. Why did the cranberries turn red? Because they saw the turkey dressing. Huh.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Heal Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kraminga Hill. Here we talk about everything Grief, hope, illness, work, family tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to Heal Grow together. I'm so glad you're here.
Speaker 1:Hello everyone. I hope that you're having a great week so far. As a reminder, if you like my work, you can buy me a coffee. I'll leave the link in the show notes and it's time to start thinking about holiday shopping. If you know someone who is grieving a loss this season, please consider purchasing my book. Things I'm Thinking About A Daughter's Thoughts on the Loss of Her Mom. This is a great book for someone who has suffered a recent loss, or even someone who lost someone dear a long time ago. Shopping is an ongoing journey and my book can help people process their loss and remind them that they are not alone this holiday season.
Speaker 1:So this week I received an email from one of my dad's nurses. She said that she had gone in to just chat with my dad and she asked him what he was looking forward to for Thanksgiving this year, and he mentioned that he wanted to come over to our house for dinner. This was news to me. He's never mentioned this. She also said that he was worried about his catheter. He was afraid that if he came over then maybe his catheter would overflow or something like that, and she assured him that they could just empty the catheter right before he came over for dinner and that they could also train Paul and I in on how to empty the catheter in case anything happened while my dad was here. So it didn't even occur to me that my dad would want to come over. So when I heard this news, I have to admit I completely broke down. I ugly cried with just like joy of the thought that my dad might be in our home one more time.
Speaker 1:And so the very next day I went to go visit him and I said hey, dad, would you like to come over for Thanksgiving dinner? And he said no, I can't because of my catheter. And I said no, it's okay, but I just told all of you listeners that we can empty it ahead of time and I can learn how. And he said no, that can't happen, we can't do that. And I just said you know, dad, that is a story that you have made up in your head. We are perfectly happy and willing to do this. And he said no, I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to be a bother. My mom said this to me all of the time. I don't want to bother you. My dad says it all of the time. I don't want to be a bother. My dad and my mom. They're not a bother.
Speaker 1:I have begged and begged to help my parents out, and they always had a really difficult time accepting my help. The only time that my dad has accepted help is when we admitted him into the long-term care facility and he had no other choice but to accept our help. I wondered for a long time if the reasons why they were saying they didn't want to be a bother is because maybe I seemed annoyed when they reached out for help, or I wondered if I was doing something to make them think that they couldn't rely on me. And I worry about this all the time with my job with the cast members of Alive and Kicken. Will they end up not contacting me when they really need something because they don't want to bother me? In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, I needed to put up some boundaries with them because a decent percentage of them were calling and texting me late at night and on the weekends with questions or comments about music or ideas that they had, and so I ended up asking them to contact me by phone or text only during business hours, but that they could email me whenever they want. I also told them that I'm available anytime if it's an emergency. But still now I'm worried that they're not going to contact me because they don't want to bother me and because I've tried to put up some boundaries to protect myself that they're gonna misunderstand. But they are not. They're not a bother.
Speaker 1:When people are able, I do really well with a heads up. Obviously, you can't give a heads up if there's an emergency happening, but many times I get a phone call or an email saying hey, I need you to do this today. I'm not really talking about the Alive and Kickin' cast right now, but just in general, someone will email me and say hey, I need you to do this for me today and that does bother me. It does bother me because I forget who said this. You can Google it. But somebody smart said poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Get thee to a Google machine if you'd like to know who said that. But at any rate, I do get bothered. And I am bothered when avoidable things happen, because that usually means that I have to scramble because you didn't have your ducks in a row. But here's the thing just because I'm inconvenient sometimes. Just because I'm inconvenient sometimes doesn't mean that you are a bother. You are not a bother, I am not a bother.
Speaker 1:We are humans that need help. The bothersome part, in my opinion, is that we don't ask for an accept help. I don't know about you, but I don't offer up help to someone unless I intend to follow up with that help if the person accepts it. So there are probably a few people who offer up help and then rescind it, but I don't think that that's very common. People offer up help to those they want to help. So the next time someone asks you, would you like help? Think about that. If you'd like their help, say yes. Say yes, you are giving that person a gift by allowing them to help you.
Speaker 1:I used to be very, very bad at asking for help. You want to know why. I didn't want to bother anyone. Can you say hypocrites? But because of the challenges that I faced with my parents and my frustrations with them because they don't want to bother me, I'm now a lot better at asking for and accepting help. I've gotten to the point now where I trust that if I ask someone if they can help me and they say no, that has nothing to do with me. Their no has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. They are most likely busy and that's why they're unable to help me. It's not because I'm a bother. You are not a bother. I am not a bother. We are humans that need help. If you enjoyed this podcast or any of my podcasts, please share the link with a friend. I would really love to grow this community and if you are able to help me out, I'd really appreciate it. And, as always, thank you for healing and growing with me today.
Speaker 2:This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
