In this episode, Chesko and Regan discuss weaponized incompetence through the lens of Luciana Grandi Lourencao's half-marathon win, an AITA, and a man making the case for why he thinks the best case scenario for a woman is to be able to mommy her partner into the man she wants him to be.
(Note: Chesko might also accidentally be a fourth example)
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In this episode, Chesko and Regan discuss weaponized incompetence through the lens of Luciana Grandi Lourencao's half-marathon win, an AITA, and a man making the case for why he thinks the best case scenario for a woman is to be able to mommy her partner into the man she wants him to be.
(Note: Chesko might also accidentally be a fourth example)
Support us on Patreon (and hear bonus content!):
https://www.patreon.com/mrpickmeandthemanhater
Merch Store:
https://www.bonfire.com/store/mr-pick-me--the-manhater/
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https://www.youtube.com/@mrpickmeandthemanhater
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Follow Mr. Pick Me: Chesko (The Speech Prof) -
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Theme song by Odanis the Rapper - https://www.instagram.com/odanistherapper
Hello everyone and welcome back to the Mr. Pick Me and the Man Hater podcast. I am the man hater.
Speaker 2:And I'm Mr. Pick Me. It's a me! I'm Mr. Pick Me!
Speaker 3:As
Speaker:you know, these titles were lovingly given to us by a troll on the internet, despite the fact that I don't hate men.
Speaker 2:And I've already been picked.
Speaker 4:Good job,
Speaker:Chesco.
Speaker 4:You got it this time. One
Speaker 2:of these, it's going to start flowing eventually, and people are going to be like that. Remember back in the days when it was awkward, but now Chesco and Reagan are very professional. And that's why we listened to this podcast.
Speaker:It's merely the professionalism. I don't really care about the content. No,
Speaker 2:they're super serious takes.
Speaker:Lukewarm takes. Super serious. So today we are talking about something that I absolutely hate, which is weaponized
Speaker 5:incompetence.
Speaker:Um, I saw a video that's going kind of viral. I asked Chesco if he'd seen it. He had not. And I decided it would be fun to do like a little battle to see who had the most infuriating clips. So, we're gonna go through it.
Speaker 2:And we, uh, I told her that I found one that went viral recently. And now I'm worried that that's the one that you're going to show me.
Speaker:We'll find out. Maybe it is.
Speaker 2:Who knows? Stay tuned. Mustard on a beat.
Speaker 5:You want bad advice, man. I'll give it out. Glad I got some good advice for you.
Speaker:No,
Speaker 2:I'm going to have an asthma. It's
Speaker 3:so aggressive, it's so confusing.
Speaker 2:For people that are listening to the real podcast right now, I guess that now finally people know what we're talking about that are there on our Patreon, is that we always have like a pre show where we talk for a little while beforehand, and it was not on purpose, it was just normally us talking, but now we record it, and we usually end up laughing to the point where we're already a little exhausted, and we use up our best jokes.
Speaker:I'm exhausted. Um, so if you want to understand why he just, uh, screamed mustard on the beat in the, uh, audio there, Go ahead and check out the old, the old Patreon. Huh?
Speaker 2:Heather knows.
Speaker:Heather knows. Heather gets it.
Speaker 2:I feel like we need a t shirt. Heather knows.
Speaker:Heather knows. Yep. Heather gets it.
Speaker 2:Just
Speaker:for her. Just for Heather. Okay, so, the thing that I saw that's going viral recently is there was a mom who was running a marathon. Have you seen this? This is the exact same I texted you about it! I literally texted you about it! And you said no, I don't know it.
Speaker 2:I didn't, and then I saw this clip yesterday and I was like, Ooh, perfect. This'll be great.
Speaker:Hold on. Let's look this up. Let's go to the tapes on this one. Hold
Speaker 2:on. I think this is beautiful. We have similar thoughts on great videos to dissect on this podcast.
Speaker:I said, did you see the marathon race one? I didn't, but absolutely. I said, I'll surprise you.
Speaker 2:Well, now I see where the issue is. Thanks. I looked up some research on this. It's a half marathon.
Speaker:Oh, oh, excuse me. Just go.
Speaker 2:Here's here's the way my brain works. And, uh,
Speaker:I
Speaker 2:feel, I feel like I'm almost going to embody weaponizing competence. Yeah, you just weaponized incompetence to me! I literally, I literally, this is not good.
Speaker:Uh, you didn't say half. So how was I to know it was the same one?
Speaker 2:I want to be very clear, you're 100 percent right in the sense that you said that, and I think that's why it was probably in my head. This happens with my wife all the time where she'll tell, she'll send me a video, and then I'll send it to her like a week later, like, have you seen this amazing video? Probably, but in my mind, I'm like, Oh, this is great. So tell me more. I, I've never seen this video. Let's start over. What? I have not seen this video. I feel
Speaker:like, you know, more than I do. So you describe it because you just said, I didn't even know it was half. You, you tell it then.
Speaker 2:Well, there was a woman running a half marathon in Brazil, I believe. And she was coming up. You see the finish line. Right. You see the tape up there, uh, it appears that she was going to be the, uh, first place finisher for, uh, the woman's half of the marathon. And as she was running toward the end, end line, you see about what is about 50 yards away from the, uh, the tape. There is a, uh, man that appears to be her husband and three young children and he, they don't run, he pushes them toward her. He
Speaker:pushes them! He literally, he's like, go!
Speaker 2:And, uh, she runs around them. As she should to finish it because there's people right behind her
Speaker:and she's getting tired. It's timed
Speaker 2:It's it's clearly something she you don't run half marathons or marathons, whatever it is by on a whim Just for funsies, like, this is something you're passionate about, you care about, that you train for, uh, and so assuming you have a partner that takes any interest in what you do at all, they would be aware of how a race functions,
Speaker:like where the finish line is, and that it's timed, and
Speaker 2:it's not even like, it's hard to see, right? It's this giant yellow tape with banners, and it's
Speaker:When I saw that I was like, like what fresh hell is this? Because even if this was like just like a race, like a local race or something, you know, like something small for fun You still would be like, why did that dad let the children loose where people are running past? Like what was he expecting her to do? Like pick the three of them up and carry them across the finish line? The idea that he didn't know where the finish line is absurd. We have standards where we believe men are capable on this podcast. We do not believe that he didn't know. And like, just imagine any other, like any other setting that you would do that to a man, how would that would go? Like if it was like a race with a man,
Speaker 2:right? Right. Or if he's, if it's a basketball game, he's about the game winning shot. And mom's like, go ahead. Kids. Go hug daddy. It's okay. Like, can you imagine like, Oh, that's absurd. How could she do that? What a bad
Speaker 4:mom.
Speaker 2:And at first though, the original like search term, I think was like, mom ignores children as she finishes. It was something like, like in the search bar about that,
Speaker:the pride I felt when she does those kids, not because of the kids themselves, but like, just to be like, no, I'm going to finish this race. I'm going to get the time I deserve. I'm going to succeed. Like, despite the odds, like I just throwing three small children on a race track, like Like, what did he think was going to happen?
Speaker 2:And did you see in the background, too, when she goes by, he's like,
Speaker:Yeah, like, what happened? I just threw children at you.
Speaker 2:Wow, how rude.
Speaker:I brought your kids there for a little, little hug. It's like, yeah, you know what, if you just would have done it 50 yards, 50 yards behind.
Speaker 2:I brought your kids.
Speaker:Your kids. For you. I did this for you. I've been watching him this whole marathon. I'm exhausted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it just, it does feel like. I don't know how that's not intentional.
Speaker:Exactly. That's what everybody was saying. They're like, nobody's that dumb. Like I just don't believe like he literally, all he had to do was go to the finish line. We've seen many clips of people crossing the line into their loved one's arms. This is a common thing. But to just let the kids, and again, it's not like they got away from him. He literally like pushed them open armed towards mom
Speaker 2:where they could have been hit by any other number of runners too, that are on there. It's like an actual, it's not just, it could have hurt them. And, and also now, and the kids don't, they, they don't understand, right. They don't see what they, all they saw was. They want, Oh, good. Cause daddy wouldn't push us toward mommy unless it was an okay thing to do. So they see that. And so once again, once it not her fault at all, I want to be very clear, like he, so he sets them up to also be like, what the hell just happened? Why
Speaker 4:did mommy run past us? Why did mommy not acknowledge us?
Speaker 2:And also just not letting her have her moment, uh, at the, even, even if he was waiting behind the, the, the original finish line, like let her finish, give her a second. She's like, just, and I don't care if it was just completing a half marathon, but she's literally winning this, this side of the road that makes it so much worse.
Speaker 4:It's like, you're still a mom.
Speaker 2:Throwing the kid. Don't feel good about what you're about to do. I want you to at least have some shame forever about this. This
Speaker 3:is your vocation. This is
Speaker 2:your punishment for having something you're passionate about that isn't In the kitchen at home, wishing your family, did you see the kicker speech? This is for Harrison. He told me that this is
Speaker:what you wanted. I mean, yeah. Any other context? Like it was like a golf tournament on the last hole. Someone pushed kids. Like there's no circumstance in which pushing kids out into a game, a race, any type of like achievement would make sense.
Speaker 5:No,
Speaker:especially when it's, it's delaying, it could potentially delay her time. It's a risk for the kids. It's a risk for the mom. Also, can't she get, could she get disqualified? I don't even, there is, there are rules about probably,
Speaker 2:probably she had grabbed one of them.
Speaker:So it's like, what's the goal here? What's that's, that's the thing. It's like, there comes, it comes to a point where there is no other explanation other than something nefarious.
Speaker 2:Like the, the here's, here's the best possible positive side. That's still not good. Uh, is that he was thinking this could be a viral moment. Of, of her running across the finish line, holding her child or, but that's given to him. There's, there's no way this guy, he was thinking about that. There's no way when you look at his reaction. Yeah.
Speaker:It's just like, no matter what a woman does there, men will. Like toxic men will find a way to make it about like, it's not about your, you're, you're not a half marathon winner. You know, you're not, you're not a amazing athlete. You're still a mom and now you're a mom who ran past your own kids just to win a race.
Speaker 2:And what, and even, even in now, what's the story? The story is not this mother of three wins a half marathon. It's shitty husband, uh, jumps out in front of her, which at the very least the narrative seems to have shifted to being about how he's shitty at doing what he did. But it's still the, there's no focus on her anymore, right? And the only debate even on her is like, should she have, should she have stopped? What is it? There's people still debating that in the comment section of like, well, you know, maybe she should have thought, you know, it's still, what if she had hit them? What if she had ran over that still? He put them in that situation. I know.
Speaker:It's like, how about the dad who threw the kids out? But again, racing is about your time. Literally. It's about how fast you're going. Like. She probably, she like is trying to get the best time.
Speaker 5:Right.
Speaker:So of course she didn't like, it doesn't make sense to stop again. Like I seriously think there could be repercussions if she would have stopped. Like,
Speaker 2:um, but we haven't, I got into, uh, five K's and 10 K's for a little while. Very casually. Like, and I want to be very clear, the kind, yeah, well, like we had, we got like the good jogging stroller. We just take our, like, it was, it was very much like where we would just walk for most of it together and just, it was just an experience. Right. But even that was exhausting. I will fully, but I'm not in the best shape when it comes to that, but, um, that was, that took training. We had to, we had to, you know, we, we got ready for it for weeks leading up to that. And that's not, I don't know. How long is that? Is that half marathon? It's a lot more than five. Like, So 13 miles. Oh yeah.
Speaker:So she ran 13 miles. She's coming up to the finish line. She's in first place. It's this huge achievement. She's ready to cross the line. She spots her husband coming on to the track with her kids. Her kids are running out in front of her. Like, I can't imagine how that would have felt. And she's trying to just like, she's trying to just finish the race to in her own right, have this achievement and her kids are just like crossing, like even in a moment where she's clearly running a race, she can't trust that her husband can watch her kids because that's what it is, right? Like she cannot trust that he has control over the kids when she's doing this race. Like. Really the second he sees her she's like these are yours take them like that is insane There's
Speaker 2:a I've stitched videos before in the past about people talking about how you shouldn't have hobbies And what they're when they're saying they would say as parents you shouldn't have hobbies You your hobby should be your children and your and your and your Uh, your, your partner, uh, but really they're talking about women because the
Speaker:women, you mean,
Speaker 2:I've seen it always framed as no, no, this is what a healthy marriage is. They, you should, you should give up everything outside of your family and only focus on them. But really what they're saying is Mom should give up all of their outside hobbies any outside passions and interests because they're not telling dads They can't go golfing on the way a
Speaker:hundred percent
Speaker 2:They're not saying to give up all the rest of that stuff
Speaker:men's hobbies account for so much of time like, uh, it's unreal It's almost like if you don't give them that time,
Speaker 5:your
Speaker:look is look negatively, like mom should make space for that. But it's like, what space does mom have? What's like, I just like look back on my own life. And growing up like what were the hobbies of the moms I knew? Um, I can't think of many that weren't on their own time. You know what I mean? My
Speaker 7:mom did quilting.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker 7:That was, uh,
Speaker:at home. She didn't go like for three hours and then leave you like that's the dad's hobbies They're so time consuming. They're so like money consuming. They're just there's a whole it's a whole thing
Speaker 2:It's a whole thing and like I all I could think about was like if like if this was my partner It was running this race. Also the message I'm sending is This is what you get for having this ho for, for doing this thing to taking this time away from your family, right? Mm-Hmm, And, and, and this is reading, uh, you know, I'm between the lines and kind of putting more malice there than maybe this person intended. I don't know. May, like I said, I, it's hard to, to, to know everything about this situation, but from a 32nd clip. But, um, it, that's what it feels like is, is my point.
Speaker:Yeah, I mean, I just, to me, there is no explanation for doing that other than some malice, as you put it, right? Because it's like, again, he could have done that at the end of the race. If the issue was he wanted to support her, he wanted to show her love, the kids wanted to hug her. Like, he had to go out of his way. He was like, alone with the kids on the side. Like, he had to go out of his way. To meet her before she got to the line. It's like, if he wanted to celebrate her in that way. Everybody knows how a race is like, what's the number one thing of a race? There's a start and finish and it's about your time. That's it. That's the only rules of a race. It's not like any, there's like not these crazy amount of rules. He didn't understand, like those are the rules. And yet he decided to stop her, like to throw the kids in the way of her running the race. I cannot imagine any, like even online, I have not seen a single reason that made any sense. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 8:Um,
Speaker:okay. Do you want to get into some more?
Speaker 2:Sure. I'm going to, I'm going to, uh, stand by the fact that this was a bit and I had not seen this video.
Speaker:You're going to lie. Is that what you mean?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I don't think I can. Cause then I started off. You told
Speaker:the story. What are you talking about? There's nothing
Speaker 2:I can do. I can't work. I am It's the incompetence. I guess you're just gonna have to find all the videos from now on. I'm just so bad at this.
Speaker:Oh my god, is this happening in real time? You're like, oopsie. We did a shame video. I guess you'll have to do it now. Oh, willikers.
Speaker 2:This is what you get for trusting me. I'm just so bad at these things.
Speaker:Here's one that's in a format you and I both love, which is Am I the Asshole?
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker:Have you, hopefully you haven't heard this one.
Speaker 2:All I know so far is it's in Am I the Asshole?
Speaker:Yeah. So
Speaker 2:no promises.
Speaker:Just all of Reddit. Okay. Am I the Asshole for kicking my husband out for cleaning our shower?
Speaker 2:Am I the asshole? I'm trying to think. I was kind of like trying to read between the lines here. For kicking my, wait, kicking my husband out for cleaning the shower. Uh
Speaker:huh.
Speaker 2:Go on. I have no idea.
Speaker:I have to say, just from my own perspective, hearing that title, I was like, I mean, It sounds bad.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to find out what, what could have happened to buckle
Speaker:the hell up because this is some truly heinous weaponized incompetence. Okay. I 31 have been with my husband 36 for seven years. Now we have two young kids and essentially no familial support. Since the pandemic, things have been extremely hard with just the two of us working, studying, and raising the kids. Myself and our youngest child especially have suffered several health issues and emergencies the past few years, mine resulting in multiple surgeries. Notably over the last year, I have gotten skin rashes and skin infections over and over. I have always had nice skin and almost no problems my entire life until this past year. I've seen my dermatologist and my primary care physician several times to get treatments, and then she talks about all the treatments she's gotten, but the issues keep coming back and have caused me severe stress. Trying not only to fix the issues, but wondering if I have more serious underlying issues causing this. There's something, like, when it's your face, like, Ugh! It's awful. Um, so, she's been struggling with, like, this, these horrible things. Okay. My husband used to be very talkative, but the last few years, I feel like he doesn't communicate with me. No matter how many times I tell him about an appointment for the kids, how to do a certain household task, or essentially anything, he tells me that he doesn't remember. Me even showing him or telling him. I know that this is a huge red flag for weaponized incompetence, but he says that his therapist tells him that it isn't malicious, but that he has just been burnt out and is disassociating. I'd like to talk to that therapist.
Speaker 2:Right. I also oftentimes feel like, is that what the therapist said?
Speaker:Are you also weaponizing therapy?
Speaker 2:Yeah. Did you, did you hear something that sounded enough like that, that you were able to say, no, it just, it just means
Speaker:like, well, I mean, like if you were disassociating, it would make sense that you wouldn't hear her. But other than that, it sounds like you're just not listening. And he's like, did you say it was disassociating? Got it. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Perfect. Thank you for giving that terminology that I can now bring back home and weaponize against my wife. Weaponize.
Speaker:Okay. So here's where I might be the asshole. Tonight, after our kids went down for bed, I laid into him about our marriage relationship household workload. I told him that I feel isolated and lonely. I mentioned that even in the roommate portion of our marriage, like chores, he only does things part of the way, which inevitably causes me to do twice the amount of work. So even when he does things, he does it half assed, she has to redo it. He countered back saying that he cleans the shower almost every day. This shocked me as I've never heard him use our power scrubber and our hand scrubber is still in the packaging.
Speaker 2:I was like, does he mean he showers every day? Would
Speaker:you like to guess how he's been cleaning the shower?
Speaker 2:Why? Is it like because she had the the skin issues? I'm assuming she has certain types of special cleaning things that she used on herself and he's been using those?
Speaker:Her face washcloth that she's been using and for her face that has been having infections and all kinds of trouble. He's been taking that and scrubbing the shower with it and then putting it back and she's been reusing it.
Speaker 2:No. Yes. I was like, Oh, he's probably been wasting like her. Her good stuff. Like these expensive.
Speaker:Apparently he doesn't even use soap. So every day as she's been trying to clear her skin, he's just been clean, like scrubbing shower scum off with it. So that would be like this, the, like the soap that leaves your body with all this, you know, any grime from your own body, then, you know, sits on the shower floor and the scummy. He took her, what she thought was like clean, And scrubbed it and then put it back. And then she used it on her face.
Speaker 2:Also, did you ever hear, and this is, I promise this is related and leads into why this is even more. All right, hold
Speaker:on, hold on clocking five minutes for tangent.
Speaker 2:No, but the discussion online about how men don't wash their ass.
Speaker 6:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Oh my God. It's just like, let the water kind of, they don't barely even wipe. They kind of like, just like whatever happens happens and it's in. God's hands. So I imagine, I dunno, I feel like this and it was, it's very widespread. I remember I was like, no, that can't be. That has to be like this very specific niche thing. My comment section will give me from that video that I stitched on that. It's to this day, it haunts me of the amount of guys, it's so much more common than I ever would have imagined. And so. You know, it's, it's, Oh God. So, so the fact that this is something that is very common. I just feel like this shower is not the cleanest after this guy gets out of there. So I was like, that's leading into that. And he's using her special washcloth that she only uses probably for her face. Yes. Yes, uh
Speaker:that she thought was clean and again like if you are having infections like you have to be so careful with what you're putting on your skin like the last thing you want is Like shower scum. She probably was treating her skin for the effects of that like so she was Then she's probably like, like if it, they think the medicine's not working, she's counterbalancing that. She may have been increasing what she was using on her face
Speaker 5:all
Speaker:because he's been using her. Like, I feel like anybody could get an infection or at least a really bad breakout by using the shower scummy washcloth on your face.
Speaker 2:And also it makes sense why she wouldn't feel the need to like get a new one every day or clean it every day. If she's only using it like for her or what she assumes is just to wash her face with a special cleaning agents that, Oh my God,
Speaker:to think of like how much stress she had and like how this dude was not doing like. His part in any way that she was doing all of the work. She had all of the stress. The most he did was supposedly clean the shower, which what a weird task to say is your one chore, that's such a strange thing. Um, only to find out that he had been sabotaging her face this whole time. Cause that's the thing is it's like. I would assume there was more than one towel in that bathroom. So why would he keep, and then putting it back, like using it and leaving it. That feels little
Speaker 2:more malicious way. You could, yeah, you would take it from, and I don't know, maybe I'm assuming there's showers, like my, like my wife has her side and I have my side of like, where we keep our stuff, uh, kind of to keep it cause we use different things. And so, and especially in their case, she clearly has special things that she keeps. It's, it's a very conscious choice once again, to go and do that and take that and it's, it's feels absolutely like this idea of weaponizing competence, right? The theme of the idea of like, Oh, well, I mean, you asked me to clean it. I did. I guess. Well, all right, fine. You know what? You clean it then. If you don't like the way If I don't like, you don't like the way I do it, then, then that's your job now.
Speaker:It makes me so mad. Like, I can't imagine how she felt in that moment. Like, she's already upset with him. She's trying to explain to him, Hey, literally, like, you don't do your part. He's saying, I'm disassociating. I'm sure she was like, what? And then to hear, Oh, I cleaned the shower. She's arguing because she said she didn't believe that he was doing it because she had no evidence. And then he's like, Oh, I am doing it. I've just been using your face towel to do it.
Speaker 2:The, uh, the whole thing about like weaponizing your therapy and stuff like that. I think that's such an important. Aspect of this discussion, um, too, because also there are, like, I, I have a invisible disability that does cause me occasionally to forget things that causes me to, to struggle with certain aspects of things. And I think sometimes there's this people get defensive of like, well, I, I, I sometimes do this thing. We're not talking about people that have a legitimate actual issue. Critiquing a man for not getting up to put his dish in the sink. Yeah. I'm not, then I'm not going to critique. I'm not same in the same way, critiquing someone as a broken leg for not doing that for them. Sure. There's, there's very clear distinguishing differences. And I always want to make sure that that is a clear delineation because I think sometimes there is a defensiveness like, well, I can't, I do, I do have this. So we're not talking about.
Speaker:Disassociation is very real. Um, I mean, I even have that sometimes. But, um, we're not talking about someone who's actually disassociating. We're talking about someone who purposefully and repeatedly is not listening to their partner, is not prioritizing their partner, and is not doing the things they can do. Because, again, this
Speaker 5:is
Speaker:clearly by her own description, somebody who is, you know, functioning and other aspects of his life without this issue. Like if this issue is only coming up when your partner is asking you to do a task, and she's saying she even was modeling the task for him and he's saying that didn't happen. Um, well that's gaslighting. That's literally like, if we're talking about any terms here, I would say that's more gaslighting, which is her reality of knowing that she did in fact show him how to do the task and him saying, well, no, you didn't. Um, yeah, that's, that's, I don't think we're talking about disassociating because it doesn't get, it doesn't pick a topic like my issues. Don't just say this thing
Speaker 7:with this. Yeah. Like
Speaker:my ADHD doesn't only kick in when my wife is speaking, you know, um, although if anything, I, I hyper focus on what she's talking. Cause I'm like, what, tell me more. What's the thing at work. But that's just me. Um, but yes, I totally agree because I'd never want to come off. If you, if anybody, you and I are all about. We're
Speaker 2:not going to. Yeah. All about it.
Speaker:Um, but, but there is a serious issue where, um, men, toxic men are finally getting. I don't even think it's that they're getting into therapy, but they're hearing terms that they realize if they throw those out. Um, some certain terms are immediate, like immediately back off. Like you hear that you're like, Oh shit. Like if I heard dissociative, I would be like, Oh shit. Like what? Okay. Um, there are ways to shut women down and confuse women. And. When you use therapy terms, compassionate people and empathetic people are more likely to cater to that, right? Mm-Hmm. Because they're like, oh, you're really working through something. Um, when in actuality they're just manipulating Mm-Hmm. And using therapy terms to do it
Speaker 2:well and like, it, like as is simple for, as someone who has an actual disability. Mm-Hmm. that when, when I, he, when I see this happen, I, I get a, it. Really annoys me, especially because of the fact that I know for a fact, like, and I know once again, I don't know why I'm being so careful with this because people I think are hopefully going to give the benefit of the doubt and understand what I'm saying, what I'm saying, but, uh, that, that every disability expresses itself differently depending on the person and there's different things, but. As someone that has these different struggles, I'm still able to, you know, I still cook most of our meals at my house. I still am able to take up the garbage, right? I'm still doing the dishes. I'm still, there's still a way to be an active member of your household, right? Right. Without, uh, Without needing to, um, weaponize it in a certain way. And I think it's always, at least in my experience, it's very clear when somebody is making an honest, genuine attempt and. Actually being incompetent, versus they're using incompetence as a way to never get better and to never actually be, be a part of it and to do it ever again.
Speaker:Yeah, and I think there's even like the deeper level of that, like you have somebody who said they're not, I don't want to say they're being incompetent, like say somebody who's unable to do something, right?
Speaker 5:Mm hmm.
Speaker:But they're still trying. Okay. And then you have the next layer down, which is somebody who's unable to do something. And so they're like, screw it. I'm not doing it. Right. But underneath that you have somebody who is a hundred percent capable of doing something but is pretending they can't so their partner gets so frustrated and cannot trust them to do the thing that they'll just take over the that responsibility. So I think He's at the deeper layer of this right where he is purposefully doing these things. And again, like she's going out of her way. She is saying she literally is showing him how to do it, which is a step more than most people will do. Um, this is even below this. This is even good faith. You know, this isn't even somebody who can't do the thing because I think. Even if we're making the argument on that level, like, like, I also have things. I'm gonna have ADHD. I have all kinds of crazy shit going on. I'm not right in the head, generally speaking. You know, I have, I have a lot of disorders going on. Um, but, You know, I have developed workarounds for that. You know, I have developed coping mechanisms. I have developed ways to still get things done, even if I can't do it, uh, in the way a neurotypical person would. And my wife, um, is very kind to me and helps me, right? So there's always ways to work around things. Um, so even if it was, I have this issue, that's not the end point, right? You have to. Go past that. That's not where you should say, okay, you just have to do it now. Um, but again, I don't, I don't think that's the, I think we're not talking about someone who can't do something. We're talking about someone who can and wants to pretend they can't. So. Yeah.
Speaker 2:All right. I got, I got another one for you. Ooh. So this is a, this is a stitch from a guy named Gen X.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 2:And, uh, so the original video is a woman dancing and she says, turns out I don't have anger problems. I just don't have time to teach basic life skills to a grown man. Wonderful. I think that's funny. That's great. And so this guy stitches it. And he says, Hey, Tik Tok friends, Gen X here. Well, if this lady doesn't have time to fix them, who's going to fix them?
Speaker:Was he serious?
Speaker 2:Oh, this is a genuine, I'll read you the rest, but I just need to pause for a second there. Who's going to fix them? Them?
Speaker:Uh, probably them. Because women are not the bearers of the burden of fixing men who don't choose to do better for themselves. It's like, well their mommy didn't get a handle on it, so women, you're next in line.
Speaker 2:I need my new mommy. Who's my mommy? Ooh, do I get to marry this new mommy to fix me? I'm just such a little, little rough, little around the edges guy.
Speaker:It is so socially acceptable to believe that it is women's responsibility to fix men. And if women can't fix men, that they just weren't a good enough woman. That's like the whole idea of like, um, you know, when men will finally be like, she was the one, she's the one, she's the reason I changed. And then you're like, okay, so the 10 women whose hearts you broke and that you treated like shit, they just weren't good enough. Got it. Oh, we can move on because I'm going to go on a tangent, but okay.
Speaker 2:So, and isn't it better, you know, isn't it a better option to get it, uh, to get something like that's a, that's a fixer upper kind of like a house. So you could fix it up into the way you want it to me. That sounds like sound dating advice. You should try it and report back.
Speaker:This is not satire. Are you positive? This is
Speaker 2:not. This is, I am 100 percent positive. He is saying that the better option is to get someone that's broken, that you can fix and mold as, as that is your, Your job, right? So that you don't get stuck with someone who's set in their ways.
Speaker:That's because men say that shit with 18 year olds, like the, that's just the thing I mold the person, like, we don't want to do that. We, we, we just want a fully formed human that we enjoy and that enjoys us. That's all. Yeah. That's such a, um, It's such a, it's like the prize is you get a partner that's, you know, decent. You're, you're welcome. Now
Speaker 2:you end up with somebody that you love because you got to fix me. And if, if I don't get fixed, that's a you problem. That's a you,
Speaker 4:you're not a good fixer.
Speaker 2:It's once, it's another way to shift the blame onto, you just need to do a better job fixing me. I'm, I'm just this malleable piece of clay that my mommy just, It told me it was a very special boy and it's now I get to be your special boy To fix into these Isn't that attractive?
Speaker:Uh One I always say people want to partner not a project, you know, I think all of us are working through things And we help each other, like in a good partnership, you are helping the other person be a better person and striving to be a better person for your partner and for yourself. But in most scenarios that this kind of conversation comes up, the woman is not coming in the same way the man is. Like, the woman is not also the fixer upper. The woman is having to do the fixing. Like, you could both be fixer uppers and then like share the labor together. But usually the woman is And the man just wants to be fixed up, uh, which, uh, I think is very interesting because I guarantee if you tried to say this in a different conversation, You would be slaughtered by the same men that are saying this. Like if they're like, I'm just put in the work. But if you were like, dude, you, you're a fixer upper for sure. Like you have a lot of work to do. They'd be like, Oh, how dare you say that?
Speaker 2:You knew what you were getting into when you married this. Oh, my all time
Speaker:favorite. When they're like, Oh, I was honest about, but it's like, yeah, but you didn't do anything to better yourself. Did you? Did you? Oh, women, please stop trying to fix me.
Speaker 2:To your point, though, about like, yeah, in a good relationship, and that's not saying everyone should come to the relationship perfect and there should never be any issues. Absolutely not. Right. Obviously, you should work with each other and do certain things. And there's going to be certain aspects of your life that as a single person do not mesh when you become a part into a partnership with somebody. Uh, that's not what we're talking about. It's this idea because it's always about the men. It's like, I don't, I can't, the only time it's about the woman is when it's a guy being predatory toward wanting to mold a younger, when they're giving advice to other men about why you should date 18 to 20 year olds is because they don't have the brainwashing of, of, uh, social media and other women, uh, in their life yet you can, you can turn them into the thing you want, but, and then it's like, Oh, but I, but I need you to fix me.
Speaker:Yeah, can you fix me please? Yeah It's so common and it's so frustrating because i've seen So many women date men that treat them like shit. Um Almost for the potential of who they could be rather than the reality of who they choose to be And when you're in a partnership, what matters is who the person is choosing to be. I think this is the biggest thing for me. It's like so many toxic men may even acknowledge the way that they're toxic or the way that they're falling short, or even say like, I've known men who will say like, you know, I had a bad relationship with my father or whatever, you know, we'll know kind of where their issues are coming from, but that's where they stop. They don't do the things to get better. They don't go to therapy. They don't talk with like their guy friends. Like it shouldn't be on women to fix men. Like where are your peer relationships? Like where are your mentors? Where are your friends and family and your, your therapist, like where you could be actively working through your issues. It's not someone fixing you. You are an active participant. You are the one who needs to change. So the idea that this is all on women, like women, you're like, I have had so many and myself included, like, like my friends and myself, like waste years. putting in time trying to fix men only for them to move on and do something else, right? And like They there's really no um comeuppance for the women that are harmed used especially their emotional labor Used in in aiding them. It's never even recognized that that happened because it's expected
Speaker 5:Right
Speaker:and that and that's crazy how many men will use women purely for emotional labor
Speaker 2:And I feel like that's it's it's one of those things I think You If you could tell your younger self, uh, it's often when you get into a relationship with somebody, I think you have to Except if what you're getting when you start that relationship, if that never changes, right? Will you be happy with that?
Speaker 3:Right?
Speaker 2:Uh, cause I don't, if you go in expecting, well, I could be happy. There's building blocks. It does. Can that work out? Sure. I'm sure there's plenty of examples of that where you, where do you got this malleable piece of guy? He's just a good guy that little rougher on the edges and it works out beautifully and they turn out to be a wonderful loving relationship, but, but that It There's so many more times that does not happen, right? Where it ends up just being, especially when you get older, like by the time I'm, I'm a different man now at 42 than I was at 32. Right. But I'm not that different.
Speaker 5:Right. You know,
Speaker 2:the, the important thing, like the most. Biggest parts of who I am are pretty much the same, right? I've just grown, I've experienced life more now. That's the only changes really I've done. And so I think you have to, I think the, the more we come to accept that, but we buy into that narrative we buy, cause it's on TV shows, it's in movies, it's on social media of this idea of, Oh, you know, there's, there's something there. And if I can fix it, then I'm the victor. I'm the champion. I win this prize. Yeah. That, that nobody, nobody else gets because all of his other horrible, toxic relationships he was in didn't realize they weren't as good as me. They weren't as good at fixing.
Speaker:Again, it's like It's the fact that it never goes the other way, like aside from when they're 19, you're not fixing them either. They're just like trying to mold them into who they want as their perfect Barbie doll. Uh, they still think they're in their prime at the young age. They don't like that they're aging. They don't like that they're maturing. Right. That's a negative. Um, You just don't see it the other way with men getting with women be like, Oh, she's a fixed rapper. But like, I think she could be a really good, really good wife. I think there's potential. It's just like, um, I don't know if you saw, I'll try to subdue my, my rage, but, um, all the women on mother's day talking about.
Speaker 5:Uh,
Speaker:and there was one woman who, uh, I'm not going to name her obviously. Uh, but she was like, yeah, you know, um, I'm just really upset because I know every mother's day, my husband's not going to do anything because, you know, he's just not into gifts. It's just, it's just not about that. Uh, and I just, that's something I'm just going to have to settle for. And, you know, that's just how he is. And I'm like, that's not a thing. That's like, if he's against gifts. Or not about gifts, then he cannot receive gifts, then he cannot get gifts. That's fine. A hundred percent gifts are not about the person that is giving the gift.
Speaker 5:Right.
Speaker:They are. They shouldn't be. Some people are about right, like, like, well, how great I am. Um, but it's about the experience of the person receiving the gift. And even if it's not a monetary thing, there are little things you can do to make your partner feel special. And the reason that these holidays are such a big deal besides capitalism is because. So often these women don't feel appreciated in their day to day lives. And so this is just the big opportunity for men to show them that they matter. And so often these men, aren't the men that are like making them feel special and doing little things for them. And the idea that someone who grew up in this society doesn't get gifts or understand gift giving when like, that is such a cultural thing, like giving gifts. I think in most of those ideas, it's pretty common, right. But culturally here in the U S like. We've been ingrained birthdays, holidays, whatever. Uh, it's not that he doesn't get getting gifts. It's that he doesn't want to put in the time and energy to make you feel special, period, point blank.
Speaker 2:The thing is, I think that that's what annoys me the most about that is like when the even when they do. Make this big mother's day. What do they do? They made breakfast. I am the greatest husband in the world. I made that I did the dishes. I made her breakfast. I got her flowers, something that I only do once a year.
Speaker:You're welcome.
Speaker 2:Look at how great. Hey, and, and it's. He's talking about the bar being so low, and then that becomes something you can brag about, and you will see other people that will respond like, Wow, you got the perfect man. This is unbelievable. You picked a good one. He let you take a
Speaker 4:shower? What?
Speaker:Whoa. He let you? You got to take
Speaker 2:a nap today? Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, it's, and I'm not trying to hate on anybody. That's not my point, but it's just a little
Speaker 5:bit, but
Speaker:okay. Also I'm hating, but I am the man hater. So, um, but it's, it's, it's not true. It's just not true. Like men know what's important. Men understand. He understands what a gift is. He understands why it's important to you. These women have explained several times why it's important to them. It doesn't have to be money. It could be time. Just for an example. So on Mother's Day, um, my wife takes Mother's Day. I take Father's Day. Don't worry about it. Um, I think we talked about this before because we want to celebrate, you know, we want a full day. So, you know, I was gonna have her do like a trip to herself, like a, like a two day trip or whatever. Um, And then she is an introvert. And so she's like, I just want to be home, which fair, totally fair. So instead I like clean the entire house. And I took me and my daughter out of the house for like 24 hours. She just got to enjoy the, the nice clean house, do whatever the hell she wanted. Just relax. Right. That costs me a time and energy.
Speaker 2:Right. That's
Speaker:it.
Speaker 2:Right. It's also, I feel like it's a, a consistency thing too. Like some years, maybe Mother's Day or Father's Day, whatever. It just didn't happen. Right. Or not, not that it didn't happen, but it wasn't as special. Right. But it's, but if, if every year it's the same thing. Yeah, that's on purpose. That's a choice. Yeah, that's on purpose. Like, uh, my, my daughter's dance recital and my son's birthday. One of them is almost always on father's day. It's, it's the, it's right around that time. Uh, and so we do other things, but that's life, right? That gets in the way of it. I'm not like, Oh shoot, I'm so unappreciated. Uh, but you have to accept that because the day when it can happen, when, when there isn't something about, you know, and what's the two things that get in the way of it are me being a father. Gosh dang it! Um, but like, the times it does happen, I know that it's, you know, my wife puts thought into it and we have a great day, which is, which is great.
Speaker:You also celebrate each other every single day. You also do nice things for each other every single day. You both feel, from what I know of you both, um, feel appreciated. Feel supported. And for these couples, I don't think that's always the case. I think it's like the one day, you know,
Speaker 2:one day I finally get this. Yeah. Which is
Speaker:sad at all. It's very sad that that is how it is. Um, but to have that be the reality and then to still, and these women have made it clear that it means something to them too. It's not like they're like, I don't care because some people don't care. Um, but to purposefully do this. And like, I had a friend, uh, who. Was really into birthdays like she really liked she just enjoyed it You know like she wasn't like a birthday month or because that's the thing too, but you know No hate to the birthday monthers. Hey, if I could do it, I would do it. But um, she just liked you know She she's someone who enjoys being celebrated. She likes feeling important as we all do and Her well now it's her ex husband Um Her boyfriend and then husband were like would forget or do nothing for her birthday every single year. To the point where we all would intervene and like force him to do something and he still would find a way to make her feel unappreciated and forgotten. Like he wouldn't do cards, he wouldn't do gifts, and It ended up, it was just a very passive aggressive way of him telling her, you don't matter to me.
Speaker 6:Right.
Speaker:And that very much ended up being the case. Um, he ended up being a dirtbag and a cheater.
Speaker 5:Mm.
Speaker:And so, these little things, like, I, there are things that, you know, are small that you can ignore. You know, like, every, things happen to your point. But like, when someone consistently is taking the time to make you feel unimportant, Mm hmm. And to not meet a very reasonable expectation. They may be telling you something like it's not that little anymore. It is a very clear sign of something that they are sending you a message. And sometimes we need to receive that. Uh, and she did it. Well, after he did the cheating, she definitely received it. But, um, but it was just one of those things there. Like, you know, The first couple years, cause they were together. Wow. Um, we were like, how does this keep happening? Like, what is going on? Like, why does he keep doing this to her? And after, you know, it happened repeatedly. We're like, okay, no, this has to be intentional because you can't like, after if I miss somebody's birthday, I'd be like, Oh God, you know, I put it in my account. This was the time of like iPhones. This wasn't like that long ago where it was very easy reminders. Like, and people were reminding him. It was just like, There's a point at which it cannot be unintentional anymore. There's a point at which it's not an accident.
Speaker 2:My wife and I have the same birthday, so I don't have to ever worry about that.
Speaker:That's so crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, although you know, it's funny here. I will, I'm going to call myself out. There was, I don't remember what year it was. It was sometime into our, um, because at a certain point, the birthday stopped being special for us because of the fact, I think we were talking about this before, because it's like, it's neither of our day anymore. Now it's
Speaker 3:like,
Speaker 2:we figure out something to do together. We buy, we like to buy a house gift for herself. Uh, and one year I forgot my own birthday. It was like, it was like the day before. And I was like, okay. What's tomorrow. Oh my. And so, but then I felt horrible because not only I'd forgot my birthday, I'd forgot her birthday. So I'm like, Fred, I still, it was fine. We've, I figured it out, but I'm like, how, and I was so mad at myself. Like, how do you forget your own birthday?
Speaker:Yeah. That's the thing that it's, yeah,
Speaker 2:it
Speaker:was abnormal. You were panicked about it. You felt terrible.
Speaker 5:Right. These men,
Speaker:these men, these men are like, Sorry, not sorry, not sorry. Okay. Is it my turn or your turn? Is it my turn? I think
Speaker 2:it's your, it's your turn. Yeah. Well, this will be, I think this will be our last one.
Speaker:Oh shit. It's going to be our last one.
Speaker 2:I think so.
Speaker:Okay. Maybe I'll be
Speaker 2:talking for like an hour, right? Yeah.
Speaker:Have we? Okay. Well then I'll pick a good one.
Speaker 9:So I just got back from the store and my husband goes, did you enjoy your time? That was the other half of my Christmas gift. I'm like, where, what is it?
Speaker 7:I babysit for hours. I babysat for hours.
Speaker 9:He says freedom. You were gone for two hours, and I babysat. You gave us freedom. Baby, I love you, and he kissed me.
Speaker 3:I was home with the baby. The greatest gift of all for a mother.
Speaker 2:I love you. I'm done. I'm, we're done. And that's our show for today.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's one of my big pet peeves though, that the babysitting term. Oh, it's one of, it's a huge pet peeve of mine.
Speaker:I have gone ballistic on that one before.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker:I'm like, your child, you babysat your child? That's not a thing. No, it's just parenting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just parenting.
Speaker:Your job,
Speaker 2:I hate that. So, so much that this is the other half of your Christmas gift is that you got to go shopping. It's not even like you got to it. Like, no matter what you're allowed to have, you should be allowed to have a couple hours by yourself, but to, but the fact is that she was gone doing a household chore.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:This is something that we need to, a task to eat. This is not like this relaxing, and don't get me wrong, shopping by yourself sometimes can actually feel kind of nice when you're, especially when you have kids around the house and everything. But in general, this was, she went shopping for the home and she was gone for two hours and he's like, you're welcome.
Speaker 3:Kissing her on the head, like,
Speaker 2:this
Speaker 3:is part of your gift. Freedom. I
Speaker 2:existed. Your children are alive. Your children are alive. Yes, your baby sat them for you for I did your job for you while you were doing your other job. Oh, God.
Speaker:Yeah. And like he was so proud of himself. Like he's smiling the whole video kissing her being like, that's for you. You're welcome. Like almost not yeah. Getting it even as she's filming it. He doesn't seem like he's getting it. He's like, yeah, it was a great gift
Speaker 2:freedom I guarantee you I guarantee you there's at least one person in the comments saying that is a good gift That's really my husband never does
Speaker:that. I haven't left the house in 10 years Like gretchen, you
Speaker 2:gotta get out Are you blink twice the padlock
Speaker:never gets open like And that's the sad reality for people. And like, even her, she's like laughing.
Speaker 8:And
Speaker:we see a lot of those videos and there's a lot of discourse about that. Um, just women talking about the shitty things their husbands do, but then like not leaving them or like taking any action. And that's, that's a whole category unto itself where people are having problems with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's a whole genre of, uh, but it's also
Speaker:like, there's a huge discourse now where like women will be like. Stop talking about it because seemingly what they're wanting out of it is other women to also say they're struggling with the same thing.
Speaker 5:Right.
Speaker:Because when people critique the man, which is the obvious. Next step. If you're posting that your husband's being shitty, obviously women who are supportive of other women will probably be saying, yeah, that does suck. And then the women end up fighting other women who are trying to support them. My husband's great. So it seems. Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:My husband's real shitty too. How dare you say that about my husband?
Speaker:Like, wait, what did you want? So it seems like a lot of people online have now decided like, Okay, so what you actually want is other women to be like, Oh, yeah, same girl, you know?
Speaker 6:Uh,
Speaker:so, you know, literally, it's just like, teeheehee, kind of funny. And the husband has This is what our life is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and, you know, I always am going to be supportive of women, you know?
Speaker 5:Mm hmm.
Speaker:Especially like, even if even regardless of why they're posting the video. Right. But there is a, I think there is validity to the idea of like, don't engage in good faith when they're, they're, they're expecting a certain, or they want a different response. They are not wanting defense because to defend them means that they have been wronged that they are in need of defense. Right.
Speaker 2:And
Speaker:these women are not wanting that.
Speaker 2:And that opens up a whole can of worms for them. If they admit that there's a problem, then you have to explore that. Cause the problem has to be solved. The problem has to be explored. The problem has to be
Speaker:fixed. Change has to happen.
Speaker 2:And, and like you said, they're also, they are, they are still experiencing that terrible thing. And the, and if the, if there's no escape, if there's no out, especially if you're like in a household where divorce is not an option or separation is not an option, then the second you, and if you're aware that your husband's not going to change, your partner is going to keep doing the same things, then the second you begin hearing and accepting the critiques of them and that that is not okay thing to do, then what do you do?
Speaker 5:Then
Speaker 2:that's an even, that's an even harder, you have to kind of gaslight yourself, uh, into believing this is what everyone goes through. And it's okay, because there's no alternative. And as long as there's no alternative, then I don't have to push for it to be better. I don't have to deal with it. The, the trauma or drama, whatever, depending on how they take it, uh, in, in fixing that issue and making their situation better.
Speaker:Yeah. And it's even just like thinking it's funny.
Speaker 2:Like this is
Speaker:funny. This, I mean, it's definitely relatable to a lot of women, but it is funny that he is doing that to her. It is funny that her quote unquote gift. We were just talking about gift giving. Um, it's not this, uh, is to watch his own child for two hours. That's a gift to him. Like that doesn't strike me as funny. Definitely strikes me as upsetting, but it's, it's the dopey husband trope like, Oh, well, which is weaponized incompetence. Like if you want to put a funny spin on it, it's, Oh, just the husband can't do stuff, whoopsie. And the reality is it's weaponized incompetence. Like if this dude is holding up a job. He knows how to do things. He knows how to do tasks. He knows how to meet, meet expectation.
Speaker 2:There was a video of a speaker at a conference for women. Uh, I don't remember exactly the situation. Uh, but she, uh, right in the beginning, this is like the, she's like the keynote speakers as the beginning of the conference. And she asked them, the women to answer, raise your hand. If you've already see already received a text or a phone call from your husband asking where something is or how to do something. And the, and it was, everyone's laughing. It's one of those situations. So it's like, Oh, we're all laughing. It's like, but then also it's like, why am I also crying right now?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker 2:What is happening right now? But it's, it's, it is so widespread. And I think that's, it can be very easy to put yourself in a bubble of, of only other people going through that, uh, with no alternative because it is so widespread and so accepted. Right. It is just accepted that that is the way it is and there's no better alternative. So why even, why even bother getting upset about it? Because.
Speaker:And who does that help? It's like, uh, you know, I always keep the piece, but it wasn't my piece. I was keeping right. There's this idea that women will almost comfort each other by sharing these stories and relating to each other. But at the end of the day, the person that Ends up doing like the person that doesn't have to change is, is the man, the person whose behavior doesn't go checked is the man. Like it doesn't aid the women at all. Like maybe it comforts them a little bit, like maybe just to not feel so alone. But at the end of the day, when we, when we have those conversations and we joke like that, it just makes it so that men who are behaving badly do not have to change their behaviors. If it's tee hee hee funny. Then we don't have to take it seriously and we shouldn't take it seriously. And if the expectation is that low, then we should never aspire for better. And that serves men who want to behave like that.
Speaker 2:And even in those, the, the conflict that does occur in those comment sections and especially online. Uh, it's also all of that extra trauma from that or drama, I don't know the word I'm should be using right now. Uh, but all that extra conflict that's going on is also absent of the men. So the men also get to escape that. They're also just gleefully unaware. You handle it, you guys fight each other, but, and, and then if you're, you get upset about it, then I could even as a man go in, but look at all these women defending me though. Right.
Speaker:Right. Look at
Speaker 2:all these people in the comment sections. They are telling you that you're wrong.
Speaker:Uh, do you know what happens a lot, Chesco, is the woman will come back on with the husband defending him in a video to TikTok or to whatever app. And I'm like, we're dark now. We're in a dark, we're the seventh circle of hell. Uh, uh, because it's like, Yeah. And then it's even, it's always worse. It's always worse. Like if you, like, you couldn't have made it look worse. Like there was the one where the girl was filming, like, um, it was like a prank, quote unquote prank. And I keep doing air quotes. Uh, this is a podcast, but sorry, there's quotes there. You can
Speaker 2:feel the
Speaker:energy of the air quote. Um, But she called, like, she called him her husband and he's like, boyfriend really aggressively. And everyone's like, Oh girl out, get out. Like that's a bad sign. And they did like an, uh, it's not even an apology. It's like a, Hey, actually he's not bad. And he's like, she just always will call me her husband, husband. And like, It's just not the right term. If she calls me her husband, she's going to have to redo the video. And we were like, Oh, Oh, so you're controlling her content now. And she can only say certain things. If she says it wrong, she has to redo it. I was like, girl, this makes it worse. This makes it so worse.
Speaker 2:And it's, that's always the situation then fast forward 10 years later. And they're always like, Oh God, I don't know how I didn't see it. How did I not know? And it's, and I'm not even, and it's unfortunately they, I always feel like when I see those videos of people talking about it, there's so much self blame, uh, there, and it's not, it's not their fault because the person was abusing them or was taking advantage of them or was gaslighting them or whatever you weigh, this is, there's, there's society. The diabolical lie to quote, uh, last week, the, the real diabolical lie is that women are told that that's the best, that's all they deserve, right? That, that they, the situation they're in as toxic and as tragic as it might be is as good as it gets, and that if you complain, you, there, there's a, there's a million other women that would be happy to be in that situation. Um, and. And that's that that just allows it coddles men. It allows us to, uh, to not have to try as hard because we know how low the bar is, um, and how easy it would be. And it really would be being a mediocre man is applauded in our society. And. As long as you will, you can achieve that mediocrity. You're going to be able to find an audience that will tell you how great you are and how wonderful you are. And that's just the reason why we make a lot of the content that we do. You're like, it's important to call it out.
Speaker:Uh, and again, like I totally get why they make a joke of it. Like it is easier, like we talk about laugh. So you don't cry, you know, it is easier to. Say, oh, this is just funny. Oh, this happens to everyone. It is easier to do that. It is easier to say that than to realize this person that I truly love and have devoted my life to treats me subpar is purposefully treating me less than he could is in some ways being abusive to me. Like it is easier to say, oh, it's just everybody. There is comfort in that there's comfort in getting other women to also tell you that. So I understand that, but. There is better out there and until we start being realistic about what's acceptable. It's not acceptable. People will stay In those places that they deserve more than because it is, it's more comfortable to just go with that. There is no better thing that this is okay. Uh, and I think we have to have uncomfortable conversations because there is the truth is there's better for them. There is, there are better partners or even to be alone. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who's treating you that way.
Speaker 2:And even for the quote unquote, good guys, maybe this will be my, my final thought on this is that there are guys that can be better and want to be better and genuinely, and this is not me necessarily excusing it, but more of a reflection for society. Unless you challenge them, unless you bring it out, unless they see that there is something else to be there, it's, it's easy, it's human nature to want to do the easy thing, right? To want to fall into, uh, what is acceptable and what's okay. And if all you've ever seen is this, Toxic kind of relationship environment or this, this, uh, way of, of being in your own home life and you are not challenged on it, then how would you, how do you become better? How do you, um, and that goes for everything. I was, I was talking about how online, if I say something problematic, call me out. Tell me about it, right? And if you genuinely, if you're a good person, you will hear it, you'll learn from it and you improve, you get better. It's not about, uh, silence and, and just, just this, this acceptance of bad things does not benefit anybody, and it doesn't benefit the person doing it either. Because they, they might unknowingly, in the best of circumstances, be doing something that they don't want to be doing. Um, And, and, and the worst of circumstances, why would you want to coddle them? Because if they're, if they're doing the bad things on purpose.
Speaker:Yeah, I think, um, I think. If women just hold their boundaries and hold up the bar of, like, what they need from men period, then when men aren't reaching that bar, I, it will naturally encourage them to do. So, if there are men who are capable and willing, and, uh. And, and I know there are, I know men in my own life who I've seen grow. Like I've had a really productive conversations with men as I've unpacked my own misogyny, you know, that I've seen men change and be open and listen and grow just like I do. Like I'm also, you know, I'm unpacking it too, you know? Um, but I think it's the idea of just set your bar
Speaker 8:of
Speaker:what you expect. The men who are worth it will meet you. The men who are worth it will raise themselves up one or there are men who are great and already there. Like there are men out there who are amazing already. Right? Uh, you don't have to change them. You don't have to quote unquote, fix them. But if you set the standard of what you want and just have good boundaries, like, Men will meet you or they won't
Speaker 8:and that's
Speaker:on them. And I definitely think Holding the bar is an encouragement. I agree that that it can be helpful Uh, but but I also don't want people to think like oh, let me fix him real quick. Let me just
Speaker 8:Let
Speaker:me just spend 10 years trying to get him to put the toilet seat down Oh shit, well I, I don't, that's all, that's, toilet seat is all I have to say now.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm happy. I was able to actually embody weaponizing competence in the beginning of this episode for everybody. And that was a embarrassing, but important and I'll do better next time. I'm going to
Speaker:learn. Are you going to learn from that? I'm going to
Speaker 2:learn and I'm going to do better.
Speaker:That's so funny. Because when you said we probably have the same goal, Mike, no, I specifically told you the clip and you said you have not seen
Speaker 2:it. So fun. The, the, uh, genuine real quick though, that is. Sometimes you just have that feeling in the back of your mind. I was like, why did I have that feeling? And it was because you literally told me.
Speaker:I've heard this before. Where have I heard this?
Speaker 2:Why do I feel like maybe this is, there's a chance that this clip that I want to talk about is the one that she already told me that she found.
Speaker:See, my anxiety constantly says that, even if there is nothing. I'm like, what have I done wrong? Something's wrong. What did I do? Well, I guess, I guess I'll just pick all the clips from now on, because I can't trust Jesco to do it. Just kidding. You're doing all clips from here on out. That's your penance.
Speaker 2:All right. Done. All right. If the show sucks from now on, everybody, you know why.
Speaker:It's the same clip every week. It's the worst. Like, have you heard this? They're like, Jessica, we just did this. Oh.
Speaker 2:Speaking of next week, here's a little announcement. Uh, next week we have a special guest. Ooh. On our show. We have Don't Cross a Gay Man from, uh, who hosts the show. The, uh, the big flop, uh, podcast as well. And, uh, one of, one of the most requested guests, uh, that I've gotten from, from people that follow me that really, really want Misha to come on. So, uh, so stay tuned for that. If you're on the Patreon too, we're going to throw a little bonus out there, or if you have any questions you want us to, uh, ask them, we can, we can do that and it'll be fun, different change of pace show next week.
Speaker:It's going to be so fun. Uh, yeah. And as always check out our socials. And we will catch you next week
Speaker 2:on the flippity flop buzzer on a beat. I
Speaker:was like, is he going to do it? He's going to do it. I know he's going to do it. Okay.
Speaker 2:Bye.