Are You Looking To Date...Or Find A New Mommy?

On this week's episode, Chesko and Regan discuss a video that claims "these are 5 things a man should never have to do if he is married, in a relationship, OR dating."

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Transcript

0:00

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Mr. Pick Me and the Man Hater podcast. I am the Man Hater. And I'm Mr. Pick Me. Of course, I do not hate men. And I don't want to be picked. I've already been picked. Which one is it? I think it would be not wholly truthful to say you don't want to be picked, but you have been picked already. We talked about on a previous show that I was not picked for teams before, so this is the team I can be picked on, picked for. We've picked you, for sure. I was picked on. Oh, boy, that's a real positive. Welcome to therapy with Reagan and Chesco. Oh, shit. Um, so I think if anything, I might need therapy after this episode. What are we talking about today? Well, today is about five things that men shouldn't have to do when dating, married, and single. Or in a relationship. Five things men should not have to do when they're married or in a relationship. That's a weird order of that. Okay. So it's interesting that dating's on there too. Yeah. Yeah, no, this is low bar. A fascinating video. I never responded to it just because it gave me a lot of feelings. And I was like, this is, this needs a podcast to respond to everything in this. I've had that too. I'm like, I have too much to say. And I have too much rage. That's not going to play well. Number one. Wash his own clothes. If you're at your man's house and you see that clothes need to be washed, take the initiative and wash them. Coming out, swinging with them, dating, married, or in a relationship. If I'm dating someone and I'm at their house and I see that they have laundry That's so weird if that happened at my house if somebody was like well not now but back in the day Yeah, if someone just started doing my laundry, I'd be like what the hell is going on. Why are you doing this? Also, like, don't, uh, don't do my laundry. That's, please don't do that. I don't like, you know, I don't, I'm a pretty well cleaned guy. I kind of have a weird thing about that where, uh, but even even, but that's even more so I'm like, that's even, that's outdoor clothes. Those have outdoor on them. There was still, we know our episode last week. It's not that I wasn't worried about. We don't want to re I don't want to revisit that. I don't want to revisit last week's episode, but in general though, that just seems, I don't know, like here's a, I will admit, in my household, that is my, when we split up the chores, my wife is the laundry person, I'm the dishes, garbage, cooking person, uh, so we kind of figured out what is, what is the, what are strengths of labor? Well, it's just, I, I, I'm, it was more so she didn't trust me washing her clothing. My wife is the same way. Mine was with no reason. I've lived on my own for, before we got married, I've lived on my own for a decade and never ruined anything, but I get it, you know, maybe, yeah. I'm trying to think, I think there, I've probably have messed up before, but the main thing that happened was she had an ex who destroyed like all her, all her favorite stuff. I can't remember if it, I think it shrank, but like, Something like all her favorite stuff or, or like maybe put like a red sock and something, something weird. And so now we have this elaborate system of like, everything has to hang dry. And then it goes in the dry. Like it's this whole thing now, now I do laundry. We both do laundry. She definitely doesn't more, but there was a time there that she was traumatized by a bad laundry experience. Yeah. And so, but, and she hates the, uh, uh, Uh, food, like old food and so, yeah, and, and I'm, for some reason I'm okay with it. And so like that, that just became, I was all right, sweet. I will work out where I do, especially at first it was, uh, those two were fairly uneven because laundry takes so much more time and it was just the two of us. But now that we have three kids, it's definitely shifted, but she has more clothing too. I don't know. Yeah. I think it's, they've, they've grown together. Uh, and that's why I would, that's why I'm always constantly playing catch up. I'm like, okay. Well, I'm going to cook us. I make us breakfast every day. I'm going to make the kids lunches. I'm going to also cook most of our meals. I'm going to do this, that. And the other thing, because laundry takes up so much time. It's a nightmare. And then like, there's so many, like, there's so many times you go to do laundry and one part of the process is messed up. Like you don't have enough hangers because it's already hanging or there's stuff in the. Watch her. There's stuff in the dryer and you're like, Oh my God. Um, yeah, but I definitely think asking a woman you're dating to do your laundry is insane. We're talking about that is wild. Like on what, like the entitlement and the sexism. Like, I mean, I guess way to get it out there early just to say, Hey, I'm a misogynist. This is what you're getting into. Oh, I just, sorry. I just got a flash of like, you go to a guy's house. Oh, you're going to have dinner or whatever. And he just is like, and points to a, have you noticed some dirty laundry? Oh my God. No, no, no, no. Well, here we are. We do have to bring up last week. Now, what if that's, what's waiting for you too? Bye boy. Bye. See you later. See you never. Oh man. If you're gonna see skids and then have to, uh, No, that's like fear factor. You wouldn't talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. Gonna, yeah. That's like fear. But it would be a good way to, to maybe you were like, no, no. I'll do it one time and then use ghost. You disappear. Yeah. Yeah. Because that is, you've learned I would disappear into the night for sure. I'd be like, mom, who's calling? I hear someone and then run. Oh, man. All right. Go to the next one. I, I cannot. Okay. I, I know it's only gonna get worse. Number two, clean his house, regardless of the fact if you live with him or not, you should still clean his house. It's just something about a woman's touch that hits different when your house is being cleaned by a woman. Okay. Okay. Um, so you want a woman who also has to clean her own house and has to pay for her own house. She's coming to a house that she does not, she has no stake in. It's not her own home. You want her to do that for you. I think this guy read an ad for a maid service and was like, that's my, it must be he, but he thought it's a dating service. My God. This is amazing. This is everything I've ever wanted. I can be, do nothing. Yeah. Look, look at all that I have to offer in this relationship of my presence. Like it's so bizarre. Cause again, like. It's not that he doesn't understand, like any person on this planet understands that that is a task that people are paid for. If you were to have someone like that's a cleaning service. And again, I say this all the time. It's never reciprocal. I don't, there's like no guy that came to my house. It was like, let me, let me just clean. Let me just clean your house for you. They would dirty it. A hundred percent. Uh, I, I, what year? First of all, this guy's single would be my guess, but, um, it's okay. We can keep going. I'm furious, but, but I think it's, there's just some, um, it goes back to the whole, um, uh, not just maid service, but like, like mommy service, right? This is the, the whole, like, I, I shouldn't have to do these things. I want, I won't go pay with my boys. All right. Do you know what drives me nuts too? The woman's touch thing. Because it's like, guess what? It's forced. It's practiced. It's not inherent in women. Like a woman's touch usually means like, uh, clean, organized. Perhaps there's some decoration. It's, uh, it's made to look nicer. Like all of those things men can do. Women, you don't come out of the womb being like, I know the color palette. I, I've got it. It's, it's. It's so, I think it's bizarre, but it's the same thing as like, every woman's born to be a mother. It's like, no, it's learned. You are giving yourself an excuse to not be accountable. You're giving yourself an excuse to not like, I'm just so bad at these things. For some reason, like when you clean, there's not still a layer of filth on the ground. I don't get it. You use this spray. I think, did you use it? What is that? Let me see your hands. How did you do that? This is magic. They're so soft that you're able to be more gentle and able to pick the, so you can detect where the things are through touch. It's so dumb. It's so dumb. And like, I always was kind of amazed by that. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not particularly a skilled like interior designer, you know, I don't have that. I have like what I think. Looks cool. You know, like I like, I don't have like my mom, for example, is really good at design and like colors. And, um, again, this was learned. She grew up not having anything, you know? Um, and so once she was able to. Really provide it for the family and like make things look nice. She, she learned, she studied, right. But she, she's really good at it now. I don't, I don't have that. But, um, I was always amazed like with guys I dated, like when they had their own home, how little they did. To keep it clean firstly, but also to like make it feel good. Like, like, you know what you like, you know, like, you know, a fluffy blanket on a couch is going to feel good on your body. You know, sir, like, you know, what colors are nice. They would just, it would just be like this sterile, sticky, like sterile as in no color, not as in clean, but like sticky at like no, no decoration, really weird stuff. And I'm like, that can't feel good. You could, you could do something here. Like, what do you like? Like what makes you happy? Uh, the expectation that women just have that inherently. And then that they should be forced to do that for men. Like, I believe in you, you can do it for yourself. Like, Oh, I would always, cause I had roommates always too. Um, and I'm not gonna lie. I would, I would, my room. Was not the best, but I always kept all of our shared places immaculate. Sure. I never let that, I always made sure that if I was going, if it was going to be something that was just like my little hovel, it was only in a place that nobody but me ever went to. And then, honestly, when I, I was not proud of it. I was ashamed of it. How sloppy I was. There was something where, and then when I started dating, I was like, I should probably not live like this, but I didn't expect her to come over and do it for me. I didn't start dating. Cause I was like, I don't know what to do. No, I just need a cleaner. Come on over. It doesn't matter who. Yeah. It's just a weird idea of like you, because it's, it's, you know, if you're a messy person and you don't mind being messy, like, Like live and that's how you want to live. That's fine. But it's like these men who complain about that seem like they want a clean house. They want these things. So it's like, then do it. The idea that it should be the woman's responsibility. And I think the thing that irks me that just all of this makes me mad, but suddenly it gets under my skin. Besides everything. Um, is this idea that it's almost framed as a positive, like, Oh, It's just a woman's touch. You just have that special something. It's like, you want me to do work for you. You want me to clean your dirty undies. You want me to clean your filthy house. Like, and you're framing it as like, you've just got that special something, you know? I'm like, Oh, give me a break. Stop it. Pass. All right. What else? What else? I feel like by the end of this, I'm going to punch my You gotta get these anger issues, there's other emotions other than anger. Thank you. I was just about to go get in my car and scream. So take it from the men. And then text it to me. Don't be surprised. Natural moment. And then I had a loan in my car that just happened. Oh, my phone just accidentally lodged itself up against the thing and recorded me. And then it got edited mysteriously, and then there's music underneath it. Oh, that music was on my radio. It just happened. Yeah. Except that's what made this. And I'm going to look dead into camera a couple times. But it's just all, it's an accident. I don't know. Uh, uh, Chesca, just keep going. Number three, we should come home to a home cooked meal every night. If you don't live in the same household, take them a plate. Oh, no. Yeah. No! That's, it's the, the second part is the part that blew my mind. Take them a plate? You should be, if you were dating someone, you should be cooking them food and making sure that when they get home to own apartment or house, wherever they live, they should have a plate ready for them that you cooked for them. First, just, first of all, this is shocking to me that this is number three based on number one and two, like what also women should cook. God, that's the first time I've heard that. There is a theme here. There's a theme. It's called misogyny, 1950s. Uh, but here's the thing. Like I, I'm not, I'm going to be fully, totally transparently honest. I'm not a great cook. Okay. I don't have, like, I have a friend who, um, she, she was like raised around cooking too. She just can throw stuff in and she knows it's going to taste good. Like just all these different flavors. Right. I don't, I couldn't just like, look at spices and be like. Like when we just, uh, she can do, she can do all kinds, she can cook all different like types of foods. It's crazy. I don't have that, but I do love cooking and I do love, like I try to have, unless something's gone on that day that made that not possible. Like I try and have a home cooked meal for my wife and she gets home. Like, so there's nothing. Against cooking a lot of people show love through food like culturally even Um, and I love that for them But we're not really talking about that I I think again like this is where they kind of get you tripped up because you're like Oh, of course Like I love to make food or like I love to share with my person and I'm like all those are nice things, right? The expectation is the expectation of like You cooking your own meal and especially in this economy where everything costs your, your an arm and a leg, like that you would make enough food each time for at least two people that you would then eat your food, get in the car, drive to your person, your dating's house, and just be like, here's a plate of food, which again is a job is literally a job. That's the thing. You can order plates, right? Um, that is insane. Order, like just hire a maid at this point. Hire a maid and hire a cooking service because it's not the girl you're dating. That's not dating. I should be clear. I double check. This is not like a parody video. This is this, this is this guy's platform. He, this is genuinely meant to be like, this is what you should be looking for. You know what though? It's like, no shit. Like everybody would love that. Like, I'm just, I'm about to break through the screen. Um, it wasn't me. I know it's coming to me. I'm saying it, but you've turned on me. No, no, I just get really, here's what I get upset for women. Like this upsets me as someone. Who, you know, my friends could potentially date this type of person, right? And there are women who maybe don't realize how disgusting this is to expect of them, right? Because that in our society, that was a thing again, like culturally different things. Everybody would love like all of us, like it would be so nice to have a nice home, you know, that you didn't have to clean. It would be so nice that the laundry magically gets done. Do you ever see that sketch where the husband takes the wife and he's like, No, no, no. This coffee table is magic. And he's like, I'm going to put this on here and you wait, it's going to be gone. He's like our laundry baskets, our laundry basket is magic. And then it's cause she's doing all the things. He's no idea of it, which again, it's like, ha ha ha. It's funny. But also like you're aware of it. If men are making jokes about it, they know what's happening. Um, I did, I did think it was funny, but again, I I'm always like, but you know, it's real, huh? Uh, but it's like, right. All of us would love that. It's great. A home cooked meal. Love it. A home cooked meal delivered to your door by someone you're dating. That's awesome. What, what a joy, but it's expecting that and not reciprocating that. That's gross. That's like, no. It's also, I feel like you, A lot of the people, I'm not going to say all, but most of the people, I feel like pushing this, this notion of basically the, this trad wife ish free labor idea is, are, are like also like younger, often, uh, single men that are like, have, have romanticized this version of what they want. Yeah. Uh, of, of two words. And then they get all these other men in the comments like, yeah, that does sound great. Yeah, of course. That's it. And so they're like, yeah, this, this must be a great idea because I have thousands of men telling me it's a great idea. And then you have the pearls of the world that will then also reinforce it and say like, oh, no, that is a great idea. This is the, the purpose of woman is to serve men. As she's very single, as she's aggressively single. So, hmm. But you add on to it and most of these cases also, it's not even like the guys are making a ton of money, providing a lavish life. No, you can't even pay for the, like, that's what I've said. It's like, I'm not obviously like. A traditional roles kind of gal. Um, that should be obvious at that point, this point. But, um, it's like, these men can't even provide the thing that they say they want. Like they, and I mean, nobody can, it's so rare right now for people to be able to like one, one income houses. Like it's so rare. So it's like, you want a trad wife, you can't support it. Like, excuse me, where, what's going on here. But I also think, um, has, has been my theory for a long time. Is men are unable to get women. A lot of men are really struggling to find women because in my opinion, the bar has been raised, right? But the men who are struggling, they're, they're coming up with this idea, or I guess going back to an idea, right. Of the, from whatever, 1950s and back of what being a woman is and what a good partner who is a woman is. And it's things that like no woman's going to do. And so they're setting up a bar that's like, no one's going to go for it. And then they're, then they can say, well, see, these women aren't good enough for me. These, these are bad women. These women are, are not even, I wouldn't even want one of those. And it's like, it seems like we're coming up with things and, and, and bars that can't be met so that we can say to ourselves, well, I chose not to go for that. I don't want that. Um, And it's like, okay, but you're going to be alone. If that's what you're looking for, that's not going to happen. So they'll complain like, why is there, why are there so many more single men nowadays? Why are there so many men less getting married? Why are it? Why is it? And it's, Oh, it's because women are terrible as opposed to, this is why you women are going to end up alone. If you write By choice correct. I do love that when they're like see you're alone and miserable It's like there's literally not a single study that backs the miserable part, buddy. Sorry men men die quicker when they're not paired up, so uh statistically speaking traditional marriage is all about like free labor and how it's conditioning women to believe that those aspects are inherent kind of in their womanhood. You know, the cooking and the cleaning that, you know, this is something that they need to do. And it's all this weird way of getting that free labor from them by convincing them they want it. Uh, and that that's what they should even like morally be doing. And they want that to be, you know, Not because they're taking advantage of someone predicated on a system and, you know, predicated on misogyny and all these other things. They want to convince women. No, no, no. This is just what good wives are. You should do this. Or even when religion gets involved, then it gets really iffy because then it's like, God kind of wants you to do this. Right. Okay. Let's keep going. All right. This one, uh, is less funny and more, you might actually jump through the screen for this. Oh, okay. I'll brace myself. Yeah, this one's this is sex related. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, that's those. So warning for anybody, uh, this, this actually does, I think, allude to a lot of really, uh, toxic and traumatic experiences that I think, uh, many will have to go through, but, um, men shouldn't have to ask for love, intimacy, and affection when we leave to go to work in the morning, every day, because Our sack should be empty. You know what? He can take care of that on his own if that's what he wants. Um, but a lady should not be involved in that. You know, it's interesting. It reminds me of, do you remember those really bad vows we did? Like we, we talked about the bad vows. He's like, I want my belly to be full and my balls to be empty. It's just like, ew. Like just so disgusting. So degrading again, like Chesco you're correct. You're correct. I'm trying. I'm trying to reign in the rage and get something tangible out besides yelling. It's this idea like that in marriage and I mean historically this was believed, right? You own. We're talking about this, you know, free labor. It's like owning someone. You own a woman's body as soon as you marry her. That is what that means. That is what a man is saying when he's talking about those things. He's not talking about pleasing him. He's not talking about intimacy. That's bullshit. What he's saying is I own your body and I should have access to it whenever I want. And if you're saying you should have access to another human being's body, whether or not they want to. Or not, whether or not they're consenting. We know what that means. And that I don't care how long you've been married. I don't care. I don't care. That's what that is. That's assault. Period. And that, and that's the, the three things he brought up before this all led up to the idea though, this is, this is your entire purpose. Uh, and, and like I said, this is wild to say even for marriage, uh, but for him to Oh, this is dating too. This is dating too. Oh my God. That you, if you want to date a man, you give up complete ownership of your life. Right. Of your literally of your food. It's of your food. It is your, it is now your goal. You gain another, I can't even say child because of number four, but you gain this, this dependent, uh, that, that you now need to literally, uh, clean. Uh, feed and please, I guess, regardless, like I said, regardless of if you are also working, regardless, if you have to clean your own house, regardless, you have to do your own dishes, regardless, you get to feed yourself, regardless, if you're just not in the mood, right, regardless, if you're going through something really traumatic or you're depressed or you are dealing with some, some heart or something, or you're a person, yeah. Or you're just like any, that's, I'm alluding to any, any number of things where you just might not be able to, nothing ever gives you the right to say that, that you're, you should never ever be able to deny intimacy, quote unquote intimacy, which is right. Yeah. Uh, but to, to your partner, right? You always, 100 percent of your life will owe, should always maintain the right to decide what is best for your body. And that is the only acceptable answer, regardless. I don't care what people will bring in, like you mentioned, like in religion where you mentioned in culturally, there is. I will never, ever, ever be like, well, okay, for years. No, it's wrong. Even when people think it's okay. It's still wrong. I don't think this gets talked about enough having sexual desires and like the need to have some type of release, which, okay. I don't even like talking about it. I'll do it for the pod. Okay. I will do it for the pod. Right. Has like, is, is not a, a direct correlation to having sex with your partner, because guess what you having a sexual desire that is completely natural, a human thing, like, of course, and even say you have a higher libido than your partner, um, which by the way, statistically speaking, uh, that men do not have. Higher libidos than women. That has been proven time and time again. If anything, women actually, um, tend to have higher libidos, especially as they get older. And additionally, women get more bored than men do with repetition. Just, just some facts for you. Okay. But regardless of all that, if you have whatever your libido is higher, or you want to have some type of release, like, go ahead and do that. There's plenty of things you can do on your own that don't include cheating, right? Because that's not what I'm talking about. You can do that. You can't force your partner to do something they don't want to do. I feel like there's so many toxic men and so much like toxic ideology that is convinced women like. That's the only way for that guy like you're if you don't have sex with him. You're preventing him from this I'm gonna say the term they love Biological this biological need to have it's like no He can go take care of that himself in the bathroom if he's so pent up like there's absolutely ways He can do that that don't involve forcing his wife to do something. She doesn't want to mm hmm and also if it gets to the point where Like that is becoming a huge issue that you can't overcome and you can't deal with then like people act like Like also splitting up or divorcing or whatever is like the worst. I'm not saying that's the only reason why that should happen There's probably other things going on right that has led to that. But if it becomes a deal breaker The solution is not to force them to do something Right, right. That they don't wanna do. Right. It's to find another solution. It's, and, and if that had to be a hundred percent, be moving onto a partner that does have the same, not necessarily I needs is such a gross word. I, I think, or the same wants, I guess would be, uh, that you do or I don't even know the, the, yeah. That has the desires. Maybe you point on that, I guess, desires, whatever, whatever you want to say, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to be taken out of context, but I just edited this really grossly. You may notice this. The internet is terrible. I have noticed I've noticed every day. But if you, if you were with somebody, they, they, they, Act like the only solution has to be one of you giving in and doing something that you simply, that will, that will harm you. And that's simply not the case. There are other solutions and, and, and they, while it might be terrible, while that might not feel like a solution, if the only alternative is forcing someone, forcing someone to do something, especially like sexually or then, then you. You should split up. That's not going to work out. If in your mind, the only, it's either split or for someone to do something, then you should split. That's that guy should split, but it's also this idea of like, it could be a hundred percent, she's just not wanting to, maybe you're not matching up and how often you want to. Okay. That then that's completely valid. But there is also an idea of like, What are you doing to make her want to have sex with you? What are you doing to make her feel loved and shared? So what are you doing? And I, and I don't mean like literally to get sex. Like that's not what I'm talking. I'm not saying like give her flowers to get sex. Right. But like, what are you giving to the relationship? Because people like everybody has like, Wants and desires and things that spark wants and desires. So what are you doing to be desirable? Are you giving her space? Like if she's per the other fricking rules here, like if she's cleaning your entire house and her house, if she's, if she's, uh, doing all the, the laundry, if she's, you know, doing all the cooking, like, do you think maybe she wouldn't be in the mood? Cause there are so many women and I, again, never, ever, ever do force anyone to do anything. And you shouldn't do things just to get sex from someone, obviously. But I mean, I know women who have been in bad relationships who are very sexual, but like they literally would be so drained or like the childcare. That's another big one. Right. It's like, I just had a baby all day. Like I've been thrown up on, I've been doing all this stuff. I'm exhausted. I don't get a second to myself. And the only time you touch me is when you want to have sex with me. No, no, I don't think so. Like that's, that's the other disconnect. It's like, what's, what's the reasoning. And maybe it is, she just doesn't want to. And that's, that's completely valid in itself. But like are you even having a conversation with her about her wants and desires? Cause all we hear about is the man's not getting what he wants. Do you think she's fulfilled? I don't know, but you should ask, you should ask, you should be asking these questions. It should never be, well, I want it and you don't. Uh, I'm going to force it now, or I'm going to like you said, there are, there are many reasons, valid reasons why that might, you know, whether or not be sitting, but, but it's, it is interesting how oftentimes, uh, a lot of times it's, it is also coinciding with, uh, You know, let's let's there's women that commented on our video last week that talked about guy leaving shit stains on their bedsheets, right? That would not put anyone in the mood. I would either. Do you think maybe cleanliness could play a part? Could it be like that? You know, if you, or if you are a guy like this, where she is cleaning your house, cooking you food, uh, you know, doing your laundry, if you have children together, then also doing that plus likely also having a job. Do you think she might be at the night? Fucking exhausted from that. Or like, why doesn't she make herself look pretty anymore or what? Isn't she like do her makeup and you do what? And you do what? Yeah. Uh, and it's also, it's just like, it's always been baffling to me. I want to tread lightly here, but it's always been baffling to me. Like people who aren't turned off by their partner, not being interested. Like, it's almost like their wants, needs, and desires don't play a factor. Like, I want this. And you don't want to do that. So how do I make, how do I get what I want? It's like, if your partner is not interested, I mean, one, obviously that's a no then, but it's also like, don't you care? Like, doesn't it matter to you? Like I would, that would be immediate. It's like my partner's not interested. Then I would not be interested. You know what I mean? Like, it's crazy to me that you wouldn't then be like, Oh, oop, like, what can I do better? Instead of like, Oh, she's denying me. Like, again, you have to like ladies or anyone who's with a partner who ends up with a toxic male partner who, uh, subscribes to this misogynistic style of beliefs. Okay. That could be a lot of different people. Um, if they're mad because you won't sleep with them, then they already have the expectation that your body is theirs. They already believe because they believe you're denying them something, which means they believe they should have access to it. Right. That is such a toxic and disgusting belief that nobody has ownership over anybody's bodies. And like, we play it off like it's this totally normal thing. And it's not, that's not okay. That's not normal. Like men should not think they have the right to your body and they should not be pressuring you and there is no reason on earth that you should ever have to do something you don't want to do, period. And if you feel a man pressuring you or starting to use any of this ideology, then understand there's an underlying misogynistic belief, period. Please, please. I, I, I just, I mean, I, as someone, I have, I have hook, line and sinker believed that before with an abusive partner. Um, it's, it's very easy and it's so societally accepted to like think, Oh yeah, yeah. Okay. But it's not true. It's not sure if a man has desires, there's plenty of ways he can deal with that. The answer is never for you to do something you're not comfortable with or don't want to do period. I don't even care. I don't care if you just don't want to, literally you could literally spec. Nope. That's it. I don't, you don't need a reason. You don't need anything. It's just your body. You're like, it's your, your body and you get to decide how someone interacts with it. And anyone who says different is probably, probably a misogynist. So. Anyways, soapbox. That was mine. All right. Should we keep going? Let's do it. We got number five. You knew that was going to make me mad. Yeah, that's I read it. I was like, let's make sure we preface that one. All right. So number five, okay. This is also like, this is, this was not as, uh, but you'll. Yeah, we'll see. Let's see what this goes. Uh, number five, man should never have to ask for peace and quiet. We've been fighting and dealing with the world all day. The last thing we want to do is come home and argue and fight with our women. Ladies, men are very simple. Keep our bellies full, keep our balls empty and be quiet. It's the same thing. Who's writing this book? There's a guy saying this. There's a memo going out to all these. They're just in a group chat. Wow, you know what that, that fucking pisses me off. Can I, if I cuss on this one, I can cuss on this one. I cuss on both of them. I think because it's this idea. A little explicit thing on our, I do too. Okay, cool. Um, it's the idea. Like it's literally a man's world in this case. Right. They're so. These misogynistic men, right? They're so self centered. It's like, I've had a hard day. I need peace and quiet. My needs, my wants, are more important than anything else. And it's like, hey, do you think maybe your, your partner has had a bad day? Do you think maybe your need for quiet, Doesn't supersede her needs for whatever, like communication. Why do you think people date? Do you think it's because they want to cook for you, clean for you, have sex with you and not speak to you? What does she get out of it? That's if she's, if she's doing all the work and she doesn't even get communication from you. Hmm. It's almost like nothing. That literally like what he has never, there's been no, that's such a good point. I was like, what in the, what is her benefit from this relationship? The privilege of having your hand is this is like a previous era where you are allowed to then live by being, you know, entering into a matrimony with a man, access to a bank account, access to a credit card, land, we have moved on. And that's where I think the biggest disconnect comes from is these guys don't. They, they do realize that it doesn't, they don't realize, but they, the world has changed for the better in, in some important ways, it's still shitty. There's still horrible things in the world, but there have been some pretty dramatic and traumatic, but dramatic changes that make it so that a woman. Does not have to put up and become the servant and mommy to this man that she was in. And it's, they're like, well, I don't like that. I want that still. I read about that. I saw that in a book. Right? That's how my mom was. Why can't I still have that? Cause they don't want to acknowledge the reality of that that's not the world we live in. And it shouldn't be the world we live in. Right. And also, guess what? Mommy was not happy. Mommy was miserable. Nine times out of ten. Mommy had some repressed anger that she's probably dealing with right now. To this day or she's really gonna bury that shit deep because nobody thrives under that Nobody can thrive under that and you know, it reminds me like I don't know Well, I I would assume with what I know about your childhood like it was so normalized like Or like with our eight, well, probably every generation before us as well. But like, like with our fathers, like, Oh, don't, don't upset dad. It's like, uh, don't wake daddy was a game. We played like literally a game. Like it was, uh, you know, it's a child's game where, you know, you had to go around the game board, but daddy could wake up because God forbid you wake daddy up. You know, that was such a. Common thing where it was like we all tiptoed around the emotions of our fathers. Like we all like we were expected to make life easy and maybe like with your mom, you could go, you could vent, but like the house should be quiet when dad says it needs to be quiet, you know? And it's built around this idea that the man's the most important and his mood is the most important and like everyone should cater to the man's mood. Like you should cater and you should do whatever it takes not to antagonize him because he's the most important. And it's just like, No change ever has happened through silence when you do things to keep the peace, but whose peace were you keeping? That's the vibe. You kept the peace of the aggressor. Like if you have to have everything perfect. For you not to be a raging asshole. You're, you're an asshole. And additionally, if you need a woman, like what were you doing before? So it's bullshit. It's bullshit. This idea that like you got to cater to these toxic men and make sure everything's good for them. It's like, yeah, if you weren't there, they would just have to live their lives. Like they're not doing that to their guy friends. They're not being raging assholes to their guy friends. Like. This is all predicated on the idea that you should bear the burden of their emotions and the tasks and the chores and they feel entitled to take it out on you. Again, it sets up a system in which a man can treat you like shit. A great example of my own father. My mom left my father when she was pregnant with me. So luckily I didn't have as much of his influence on me, which you could probably tell. But hopefully you could tell. Please tell me you don't see him in me. Please tell me you can tell. On like, uh, Christmas, and it's something I've only noticed now that I'm older, my father would get literally twice as many gifts as anybody else, including the kids. Because if he didn't get what he, a good enough, uh, surplus of gifts, he would throw a tantrum and go to his room. Like he'd be, he would be, he would just be furious that he didn't get the things he wanted. Uh, and, and he would just go to his room upset. Uh, and we just spend the rest of Christmas Eve, uh, you know, alone. Uh, or with the rest of the, the rest of the family. That, first of all, I'm so sorry, that's horrifying. I'm so sorry for your mom. Um, but also, that, that is so often the case, and that's the thing, right? Cause it's this idea of like, There are so many women that even know it's ridiculous. They even know because, but it's like, but it's not worth it. Like I know if I don't do what he says, like they make sure to show you what will happen if you don't do what they want. Like, it's like, okay, you cannot cook me dinner, but I'm going to make your life a living hell. I'm gonna make you fucking miserable So you can play my game or you can be miserable and again A lot of these women were stuck in these relationships, right? But now we're getting to a point where women do have more access and hopefully Our eyes open whereas before there was things at play that they had to deal with it, you know I'm, not judging any woman that's at all like anyone who's had to do that if anything I empathize with you Um, but it's it's now like our eyes are open or a lot of women eyes are open It's like no i'm not entering into it That way, like you're, you're upfront telling me what you like. A lot of women get tricked into that, right? Like they have this nice guy and then he turns out to be a jerk. And now men are like, no, we're telling you upfront. This is what we expect. Like, no, no dude. No woman's going to agree to that. Uh, you know, I, I've experienced parts of that and I definitely dated people like that. And it was like, I, this idea of like, Oh, I just got to make sure I don't do anything wrong. I'd hate to upset him. It's like, how, how do we, how did we get to that place where it was so societally accepted that men could be like little, little ticking time bombs. And, and then when they lashed out, whose fault is it? Who do you, whose fault did you think it was? yours or your, you know, your family's. I recently made a post. It was the guy in the car, the guy in the car screaming. Everybody has lots of thoughts on that. And this woman, clip into, into the, uh, the podcast of him screaming. Just so everyone knows exactly what we're talking about. You could go to either of our pages. Cause we both, yeah, go either of our Tik TOKs. You can see this video, but this person said to me. That they agreed with my breakdown of why this man is bad and that he is bad, but they didn't like my tone, essentially, and said, I'm causing more harm than good. That by, by calling this behavior out, I could be inciting some type of violence or bad thing to happen to women. And, I mean, this person was really going at me. They, they even said like, oh sugar, oh sweetie. Like in their response to me, which is just nasty. I'm like, if you're using the language of a misogynist, I already know you're in the wrong. Um, because again, they're trying to make you feel bad by like talking to you like a woman, I don't know. Um, but it was just like, silence has never helped me. I have stayed silent in relationships like that so many times. And I am in a position now where I know that it's bullshit. And I didn't have someone tell me that when I was in that it was very common. And maybe somebody would be like, Ooh, that was a little rough, but not like, you know, someone there, there was less, uh, communication and less of a, uh, back and forth going on, like, Hey, like this is unacceptable from men. It's not okay that they treat you this way. It's not okay to be talked to like that. Um, And I wish somebody would have, I wish I would have seen, you know, I try to create content. I wish I would have seen, you know, and it's just this crazy idea of like, you never, you are never the problem by calling out bad behavior. The bad behavior is the problem. And even if something goes wrong, it was never your like, if, if a guy is only going to be like a good dude, if you don't ever call him out, then he's not a good dude. Period. Right. And so, like, we, we need to call out bad behavior because that's what creates change. Catering to bad behavior has never helped anything, aside from maybe in the moment safety, like of course. Right. Right. Well, and that's the thing. Your video is not causing a guy to see it and go home and commit violence, right? Right? Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully. You know, if, if, if that did, that has nothing to do with your video, right? That is. Right. There, that is a hundred, but once again, it is not your fault for someone else doing something horrible. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But also, the, the, it goes back to the discussion of the, the importance of seeing Strong women, you know, strong people in general, but strong women speaking up against men doing these things. Uh, like what drew off wallow is, is a great example where the amount of, I've had a lot of conversations like where, uh, with people offline and about, and just in my comment sections where they're like, was, I like her content because she says the things that I know I can't say out of fear. And so it's, it's, it's nice to see somebody strong and brave and proud that is able to match the energy of the people that, cause that's what she's doing. She's not creating drama. She's speaking their language. And it's like, how dare you do the exact thing I was doing to women in my video and, and say that back to me. But they're, cause they're, the reality is, like you said, safety wise. There are many individuals are not in a position where they can speak out or say something for their own safety. And so these videos can often be a very cathartic thing to hear someone and say something and remind them that they are not crazy for thinking that that is wrong or for feeling bad about something, knowing that there's somebody else out there that is validating that that is not okay for a guy to treat you this way. That's not okay for a person to, to. Lowered you into nothing more than a servant, right? Or a true supplicant. This person that hearing that is often sometimes in many times can be the first step to them actually getting out of that bad situation because it does give them that validation that they're not because they can not only will their partner gaslight them in the thinking that this is all you can ever get. But they'll gaslight themselves. And it's not, that's not a sign of, that's not a negative thing for them. That's a survival mechanism because sometimes you have to convince yourself that this is the only way to avoid, you know, doing something really bad to yourself or to somebody else. And so, um, I think the videos, people, the, the, the guys that get angry about it, or even some, uh, there are women that also will get, will get on certain toxic things that will reinforce these patriarchal norms. Um, Are saying them because, well, this isn't going to serve men. This isn't helping men. This content isn't, so it has no value because it's not doing something for men. There's other value that exists that is not just simply men. Right. And that's the trap we fall into. Almost the whole point is that we're not, it's, it's because people cannot comprehend a world in which men are not centered. Especially men on the internet. And that's what this person online was saying to me. They were like, this is not going to make them change. And I'm like, I'm not trying to make them change. I don't believe I can make toxic men change because the only person that can make anybody change is themselves. Every, if you make a change in your life, it's because you are actively choosing to do so. Right. It's active. Like, you can influence maybe? And I hope I do. I hope, you know, if some toxic man saw my video and it made a positive change, that's awesome. That's not really who I'm talking to. Because I don't expect to. I'm trying to help other people. I'm trying to help people who are influenced by this. Or, you know, men who understand what's going on and want to educate themselves. want to support women, you know, those are the people I'm talking to. And like, you know, predominantly I would say I'm probably talking to women and non binary and trans folks who are experiencing this, right. Um, and their lives and I'm trying to help them. And so this idea of like, well, God, the guy's not going to like, I don't think they will. I think they'll hate it. And my, you know, I. You would not believe, you know, maybe, but the DMs I get and the constant comments from men attacking everything under the sun. But again, I don't know these men and I fear for the people in their real lives because this is how they attack a person on the internet. My God, what are they doing in real life? Um, but at least if I'm doing it, these randos are attacking me versus In their real life. And you know, I, I, I guess, you know, you just hope somebody hears something that can help them make a positive change in their life. Like I don't care. Like I'm going to upset men. Like, but again, if you get upset by me saying women should have rights or critiquing toxic behavior for men, then you're identifying with toxic men. And that's something you should reflect on. Why are you identifying with the toxic person versus the person who's being victimized? And I will say as someone, you know, while I never got to like the full toxic level, you know, there are still many of these beliefs that I did internalize and think were the correct ways when I was a younger man, part of deconstructing that and unlearning that and becoming a better person was hearing that and getting defensive. Right, because I'm not a bad person, right? And I, and that, that sometimes that anger is the first step before, if you're a good person, before finally thinking about it, reflecting on it, right? But it's okay to feel defensive at first, what's not okay is then doubling down on it and, uh, refusing to acknowledge or change, um, simply because that's more difficult than continuing to do things and say, and, or, and also admitting that you may have been, uh, Part of the problem is also a very difficult step, but sometimes anger can be the first part of that. Um, so it's not always a bad thing. If you're making a bunch of guys angry, uh, that doesn't necessarily mean that none of them are changing. There's also the ones that are changing. I'm reflecting and hearing about it. Aren't the ones in your comment section, you're right at you because they're going offline and thinking about it. You know, they're actually doing probably making some change. And I've had good dialogue with men before who were like, wait, I don't get that. Or, you know, like, why is that bad? And I'm like, I'm happy to talk to you about that. But it's the same thing as like, you know, in therapy, uh, when your therapist brings up something and you're like, no, it's not that, you know, you, you feel that intensity. A lot of times it is true. You know, it's, it's this, when something's really ingrained in you and has been a part of you, it's very hard. To accept that and your body and your emotions, like you will have sometimes an intense reaction to accepting that there's something wrong, particularly if it's living in the land of like good or bad, which, which a lot of people online see black and white, you know, uh, and so if, if you say, you know, this is a toxic behavior and they exhibit that behavior, they say, Oh, you think I'm bad. It's like, well, I, that specific toxic behavior is, is one you shouldn't do. Um, I don't know you, like, I don't know anything about you, but it's opening your eyes to it's okay if there's an intensity, I mean, and it can even be like the women in the comment section who may be there with someone who is doing some of those things and they're like, Oh, Well, that's not bad. Or my, my, my boyfriend's not bad. It's like, okay, well, I don't know. I don't know if he has, there isn't, but this behavior is bad. And if he's exhibiting it, you might want to reflect on that. It's not bad to have intense feelings, but it's important to look at, at why it was so intense because something's going on for you, it does get heated internally. And you just need to unpack why, why did that feel, why did you feel so strongly about that? And usually there's some understanding in there. Okay. If you're willing to unpack versus like, F you, like double down. Yeah. That's my thought. That's my thought on that. Any final thoughts on the episode? I hate everything he said. I hate everything it stands for. And I hope any person listening who dates men, um, knows that it's bullshit. And that if your partner is. requesting this of you, then he's probably misogynistic because these are deeply misogynistic beliefs that those are very to the core of a person because it's a mindset, right? It's not like one thing. It's across the board, you know? Um, so if you, if you see one of these red flags, there might be other red flags. Um, so recognizing when a man talks to you in that way, That he might be a misogynist, and that's something to pay attention to, you don't want to end up with a guy like this, because again, he doesn't think he's wrong, he doesn't think he's being an asshole, right? There are, I think there are men who would be an asshole to be an asshole, like do my laundry, like on purpose, right? But he thinks this is the natural order of things, he should be able to do this, and if you, If you push back, you're the problem. And that's even worse. That's even more of a problem. If he feels entitlement is so much worse than just like, oh, I'm choosing to be. Because it's, it's not worse than it, but it is harder to unpack and deal with. So if you hear that shit, like it's not just, it's not just a traditional person, right? It's somebody who's misogynistic and you should be careful. And if any guys manage to get this far into this episode and hearing me right now, keep making these videos and put them on blast so that people know what the hell they're getting into. Put this on your Tinder profile, put it everywhere. This is what you truly believe. And you think we are wrong. Make, make it as public as humanly possible. Do not let someone accidentally fall into this relationship and find out this on the back end. You know what? I've said that so many times. I'm like, if you're about this and this goes for anything, anything, you know, any horrible belief, but you know, yeah. If you're homophobic, if you're, you're whatever, like, if you're about that life, then be about that life. Then put it out there, talk about it, make it clear. If you are so proud of it, then don't let someone stumble upon it, then own it. And then yes, you'll get a reaction. And if you don't put it out there because you know, you're going to get a reaction, then you inherently are being deceptive because you're hiding it. Like be about it. I wish people would be about like, don't harass people, but like, Be clear. No, but it, it's so, this is, I'm going to go on another tangent, but it's like when, when, uh, you see this with like racism and transphobia and these, well, I'm, I'm not transphobic. How dare you call me transphobic? I just don't think trans people have the right to exist. I just don't think they should have a bathroom. Yeah. How do you not just, just be this terrible person just because you don't like the title. Why don't you like the title? It describes you. Right, right, right. Sorry. I just don't, I'm not racist. I just don't believe black people and white people should marry. That's who you are. That's your title. That's your type. That is you, right? Own it. You don't have the right to hide it. That's my opinion. That's exactly it. I've been in relationships. I, we've talked about this before. I've literally have been in like year long close tight knit friendships where someone has revealed, you know, seven years down the line that they're homophobic. And they don't think I should get married. Guess what? You don't have the right to do that to me. You got to tell them that shit up front and I get to choose whether I want to be your friend. You can choose to be my friend despite your prejudice. That's, that's on you. Like if, that's fine. There's nothing, like if you're choosing to look past something. Great. But you don't have the right to not tell me no, you don't have the right to have me become close with you and tell you things I would never tell you if I knew your belief system. If you're going to harbor these beliefs, you give up the right to, to, to the, to my friendship. And if, and if you really believe those things, if you really want my friendship, then, then you need to work on that. But, and, and maybe we'll change things in the future, but you're absolutely right. And people do, people do change their belief systems. Like in my life, I have had people who changed their belief systems. Um, particularly about me being gay. Right. Like they had to rethink that. It's like, you just have to be transparent because it's not a kindness to hide that from someone. Like if you're a misogynist, like if you expect that of your partner, it's not kind of you to hide that from them, like, or try to work it in later. Like you have to be upfront. Like, and again, it's always people who are so about it. But they want to hide it. I'm like, well, which is it? They'll post these things and make these videos and be so like aggressive and this is the way I am. And then you call them on it. Any repercussion or even labeling it. Yeah. They'll be like, what? I'm not, that's like, you can't be both. You're just as bad as me for calling me that. You identified my behavior. How dare you? Oh, but truly it's like, you've got like, you've got to be out there. And also like everybody asks questions. Ask questions of people, because I would think, as an out gay woman, a homophobic person, or a person who does not think I should have the same rights as them, would not want to be an ingrained enmeshed friendship with me for so many years. Right? You would think, oh that would not happen, but it did. And I never asked because I assumed ask people like, I, and I've said this also with like, when you get with a man, like when, when a guy says he wants to be a dad, ask him questions, what does that mean to you? What is a dad to you? Does that mean you'll get up in the middle of the night? Does that mean you'll do less of your hobbies to help me? What do you think the workload should be as a parent? Because you'd be shocked how many dads are like, Oh, like 90, 10. I do, I do a little bit of parenting. I want to gift you my seed. That's what I mean. You're welcome. I want the label and the five minutes of work. Yeah. I want to. Five minutes. Come on. That's three. I can't commit to five, but truly, you know, it's just like, you know, we're, we're at a point where like ask clarifying questions. And I do that just in, this is a general note, like just for example, you and I are very anxious people. I assume things. All the time with people like they're mad at me or they said this thing, you know, because of whatever made up reason I've come up with, they secretly hate me, you know, like whatever. And, um, I've been working on it in therapy is like, ask, just ask. Ask the question, clarify, don't live in the gray, don't let people live in the gray, don't live in the gray yourself. It's like, what did you mean by that? And that can be also, if someone says something, a veiled whatever statement, what do you mean by that? Just, just, don't, don't accept gray, like get, get answers, like life is so much easier with understanding. And if someone's against you in some way or against another group of people, you probably want to know that. So ask questions. Don't assume because it really does make an ass out of you and me. And I, it has gotten me so many times. Cause I am like, this person's really nice to me. How could they be? It's like people compartmentalize like you would not believe. Like, or like, really, guys will pretend they're really good dudes and then they'll be misogynist. But, and they won't, they will see those as not conflicting because he believes he's better than you, right? Mm hmm. So, ask questions. That's my thoughts. Thumbs up. I love it. And you? And I, I, that was a continuation of my thought. I was the one that told, said guys should keep on saying bad things. I gave my thoughts. Yes. You gave your thoughts. Well, I want, I just talked for 84 years, so I want to make sure you're still here, still present. Thanks for overtaking my thoughts and making it about you. Oh no, I've said nerd myself. Poor little Chesco here has such a hard life. Thanks for listening everybody. I love you. I did it. I said it again. We both love you. Both, both parents love you. Okay. Love you more. Because daddy's, daddy's, uh, mood is more important and so are his emotions. It's true. I'm glad we, that's the, that's the moral of this episode. Oh God. Goodbye everyone. Bye.