#13: The Impact of Storytelling on the Grieving Process

Losing a loved one is an inevitable part of life, a profound event that forever changes us. Yet in the midst of such pain and sorrow, have you ever explored how the simple act of storytelling can be a healing balm for the soul? In this poignant episode, we take you on a reflective journey through our personal experiences with grief and how we found comfort and healing in sharing our stories.

Join us as we explore the deep, therapeutic power of storytelling in processing grief. We shed light on various ways we can preserve the memories of our departed loved ones - from writing heartfelt letters to them, to creating a collection of stories as a touching tribute to their lives. We also touch on how storytelling can help prepare us for memorials, engage in public grieving processes and find our way back to life after the painful goodbyes. It's a raw, heart-warming exploration of the crossroads of grief, memory, and storytelling - an episode that promises to leave you enriched with a fresh perspective on coping with loss.

This group is for people who are in the process of writing their own personal stories to preserve their past for their future. It’s a place to come for story writing inspiration, weekly writing-related events and memes, and continued support from me and the other members.

Join like-minded people and get your stories down on paper for your future generations!

Transcript

Melissa: 0:01

Welcome to the Preserve your Past podcast, where we'll explore all things related to the creative process of writing your stories for future generations. I'm your host, melissa Ann Kitchum, author, teacher, speaker and coach. I believe that your personal history is a priceless gift for family, friends and generations to come, whether you consider yourself a writer or not. We are discussing the topics that help you with every step of the process, like how to mine for the juiciest story ideas or how to refine them into polished final drafts you'll be proud to share. Let's face it, sure, your stories can be overwhelming, but I've got you covered. We all have a lifetime of memories to share, so why not save yours to pass along? Let me help you leave your lasting legacy. Hi everyone, and welcome back to the podcast. Today we are going to be talking about stories in a little bit of a more serious context, but a very important one, bringing kind of the truth back to our purpose, about preserving stories and the idea that our stories are here to preserve the past when loved ones are no longer with us or when we're no longer around. So, while storytelling and family stories and ancestry and genealogy sound like topics that are obviously positive topics and passionate topics, we forget that part of the main theme of this is that people do pass on and we do lose loved ones, and it is about the past. So none of us are going to be here forever and ever, and so today's topic that we're going to be talking about is coping with grief through our stories Power, some ways that we can use our stories to process grief, and I believe this when I'm sure, when I'm telling you this topic, that this is not a surprise to anyone, and I'm sure that those of you who have been through the loss of a loved one can easily understand why storytelling was helpful to them and the place that storytelling takes place and the grieving process. So today we'll talk a little bit about my experience with that and I will be going through some ways that I think that you can use story while you're processing grief. And then I would love to hear from you also on ways that stories played a part in processing your grief and reminding you that in my past life, on this lifetime, I was trained as a school counselor.

Melissa: 3:13

I do have a psychology degree. One of my my original intentions was to finish my licensure for licensed mental health counselor and become a grief counselor because of my experience in my family, that was something that I had looked at as a goal and ended up shifting, being a mom of two young boys and trying to get the hours in and really looking at other opportunities that came up in life. But it is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I did a lot of research when I was doing my masters in counseling and psychology on adolescent grief and bereavement. So I think some of that plays into the storytelling and even the process of storytelling as a way to share the process of grief, because my independent research project on the adolescent grief and bereavement was to develop a group program to help adolescents manage their grief and it was a lot of. It was based on being able to tell stories and talk through the grief process with a group of other people that had been through it. So we're going to not be going into group programming, but I do just want to give you a little background on why that has come up for me to be a natural topic to share with you.

Melissa: 4:46

I've also shared very openly in my posts and on my podcast about one of the major drives for me in preserving my past with writing my personal stories was the loss of my parents when I was in my late teens, in the late 1980s, early 1990s, and so you can imagine, like all of us, there have been also many other friends and family members that I've lost throughout the years since, at different stages in my life, that I've been able to reflect on and again, using stories with friends or on my own has been a major tool that I've used for processing my grief, and I believe it's a universal tool that we all use for working through grief, sharing our stories. So, whether we're collecting pictures and preparation for a memorial service right, that's something that's very common that we get together and do or we're gathering information to include in the obituary, there is a formal process in that process of preparing for a memorial or a service that we gather with our loved ones and we immerse ourselves in the story of that person. Then, as we begin to have a more public grieving process, others are now drawn in to share their stories, and so these are common ways. We use story as a way to remember and honor our lost friend or loved one through that grieving process, first coming together with that nucleus group preparing for the service, then during the service, as we greet people and process through maybe a receiving line, as people are able to share their stories, and then even in a more celebratory way, often afterwards, if there's a meal shared together, and then again, always through the many experiences we'll be going through with family and friends as we gather and commemorate our lost loved one story, which we know is that sharing of our loved one stories that's ensuring their legacy lives on. Thank you.

Melissa: 7:12

According to the Center for Loss and Bereavement, "Storytelling is an essential exercise of meaning making. This is the process by which the mourner explores what has been lost, how life will be different and how to survive and reinvest in life". End quote. So when you look at that, we're exploring what's been lost in our stories. So as we tell stories, we're missing. We're missing the person, we're missing what they meant to us, the actions we did with them, the experiences we shared with them. They're all that's been lost, right, because when we lose a loved one, it's more than just spending time together. There often is holes in our life, routines that were shared with them that are not now there, and we're also looking in our stories, like it was mentioned, how life will be different. That's a great way, through our storytelling, to kind of begin that process of transitioning to that life is different, but still connecting to that person that was so important to us and then learning how to survive and reinvest in life, because there is anyone who's been through a horrible loss or any loss of a loved one.

Melissa: 8:33

There is that time where you don't know if you're going to survive and you don't really want to go back into the life that seems to be going on along outside of you and without you and honestly, you're okay with that for part of your grieving process, because it's just very hard to see yourself back into that outside world that is kind of going on as normal and from a personal experience, knowing that nobody else realizes what's your polls and what's missing in your life. I take that really personally because I think about when I lost my father. Four years after losing my mother, I was at college and I was surrounded by 20-something young people who were living, some of them, their most enjoyable fun times and I was experiencing my second parental loss and in a time where parents were coming to celebrate, you know, end of education kind of experiences, it was really challenging for me to feel like I was one of the group or a normal 20-something student when I was watching everyone kind of go through these experiences, I knew I was not gonna have One such experience was being inducted to one of the education honors societies and I remember I was getting ready to go for the induction and I really was kind of I was proud. Obviously I was excited to be honored that way, but it was a time when I knew nobody was coming to celebrate with me and it was one of those times in when they invite parents. So it was one of my first experiences where I was gonna be going with as an orphan right, essentially an orphan while other people were going to be living that normal life outside of me, and the whole day just was horrible.

Melissa: 10:44

And I can remember and this again goes to storytelling when you're thinking of your stories and you put yourself back there what were the little pieces we talked about that in one of the other podcasts, the Little Things I was preparing to go that evening and what was I gonna wear. And I knew I needed to be there and I wanted to celebrate myself and my accomplishments. But that morning I had also lost my goldfish, which is just a really ironic thing and it was disturbing because anyone who's had fish knows that when I had two fish two goldfish at the time and when one passes away, the others eat it. And so I remember coming back that morning after my first class getting ready for this other event in the afternoon, to a dead goldfish and the other one eating it and it was just like one of those things that just pushed me over the edge. And it was one of the times where I allowed myself to kind of go with the flow, because I also in grief. We're trying to hold ourselves together right. Because again, I was talking about how stories help us figure out how to survive and reinvest in life and I was trying to survive and that fish incident had kind of pushed me over the edge. So I remember I just kind of lost it and I still had to pull myself together.

Melissa: 12:04

I almost didn't show up at the event but I knew that I needed to. I got myself dressed up, I entered I'm gonna get choked up now. I entered the hall where they were doing it and one of the women that was there was my One of the advisors for the student life. She was assistant director of student life and I had been an RA at that time and had then worked in the office with her and she, on her own, without even telling me, came as my grown up, came as my person, and with a gift and a card, and it really was a really, really memorable event just having someone there.

Melissa: 12:52

But to talk about what it means if you're not grieving yourself now or have not had a loss that's been that big, knowing that those people are going through, you know, trying to figure out how to reinvest in life, how to go back to those normal things, and when you have a whole left by a loved one, stories is going to help us put that back in there. That also helps us celebrate the people who help us get through the tough times right, because I think that last story is all a lot about how one person's simple action helped me to overcome that and feel that I was loved. So on that note, I'm going to take a sip of water. So once our initial, those are some of the ways that we do that right. Those are some of the ways that we use stories. So I'm going to give you some steps on what I think several ways actually that you could gather with friends or family or even on your own to more intentionally write out your stories of your lost loved one. So we looked at like those stepping stones in the grieving process that happened. But what are some ways we could then take it to be a little bit more formal and use our stories?

Melissa: 14:16

The first one I think that I'm going to put on here is journaling your own stories. So we talk about sharing your stories to preserve your past, and I always talk about thinking about your audience and your purpose. Sometimes our stories are to process our own stories, our own feelings, our own thoughts, and initially they may just be journals and they may be drafts With the intention maybe that after you're gone, you share them. Maybe they're not going to go to somebody that's one of your living relatives now, but it's something that once you're gone, you'll be comfortable sharing. Or maybe it is a journal that you're putting together just for yourself that you want to burn, or a journal that you're putting together in that format to get these feelings out, but with the intention of sharing with a loved one or your children or whatnot. So the first thing is journaling out those own stories, putting down feelings and thoughts and maybe smaller stories and memories, larger stories and memories of incidents similar to me talking about that evening that my friend Carol came to stand beside me and stand out for me. So journaling our own stories is very powerful. So, even though I talk about writing your stories in a more formal way, it does not have to always start in a formal way, and a journal is a very appropriate way for us to be able to process and cope with grief through a story.

Melissa: 15:49

Another method that I've used to process my grief through a story is actually letter writing to the people who have left us, our deceased family or friends. Writing a letter sharing stories and memories to them, remembering them and letting them know what they meant to you or your favorite stories about them, as if you were talking to them, is another powerful way to process the grief and still be connected with their memory and their essence and their energy, and I think it's a powerful way to be able to finish unsaid words through story. So that's number two. Number three is to gather together with loved ones I see it as a gathering and writing out our own individual stories. So in this scenario, each person can contemplate their own special moments, memories, lessons learned and write out their unique story. So if you do it in a group, these stories could be shared aloud in that whole way we had talked about as processing together in a group, giving time for conversation and connection maybe it's over a special dinner or a really comfortable location with some you know warm music and making it an event on its own and ultimately, each story could be brought into a collection that could then be copied for each person who participated.

Melissa: 19:23

So gathering and writing out individual stories that could be shared in the group or and then possibly collected and copied. Another way of doing this is to gather in a group, but this time choosing a favorite moment or a characteristic or a memory that the group shared and have each person write about it from their own viewpoint. So, unlike just collecting a group of stories, that everyone just writes their favorite moments, this one is let's look at one moment, one memory, one characteristic, and then each person write from their own point of view. It is quite amazing to see how differently we all experience the same moments and events, and it's enriching to share the diverse experiences with each other and to see other people's like I said points of view and and what they gathered from that person and that experience and incident. And getting together and then sharing these stories allowed and then again even in a collection for all to share, would be really enjoyable.

Melissa: 20:42

One of my goals for the podcast is to have special guests on my brother and sister and to actually model this in action. Choose a favorite moment, a characteristic or a memory and then have us each show how, even though we were all witnessing this moment together, how we could have a totally different perspective on what that looked like. So be ready for an upcoming podcast on that and to my brother and sister, be ready for that invitation. We'll be launching interviews very, very soon and those are going to be some of my first guests that you will be seeing, if they graciously accept Next. So we talked about sharing over a one moment. Next, and finally, I'll bring you back to one of the first steps of the preserve your past writing process, and I talked about considering your intention and considering your audience, and I had mentioned that earlier Thinking about your audience.

Melissa: 21:55

Aside from processing your own grief, how can you write stories to help others process their grief? So I say that stories are beautiful gifts that we could give to cherished loved ones of someone who has passed, whether we're giving it to the children of the person who passed, the parents of the person who passed or the partner. So in this option and final way, you can use stories. A group would gather and the stories would be written with the intention of gifting them to the bereaved family or partner or children. So, for example, how this could look Several years ago I was part of a mom group who I warmly refer to as the baseball moms.

Melissa: 22:52

Those of you who have children in sports or music or any of activities know that when you're sitting in the bleachers or you're working at the snack shack or you're sitting in the audience or selling raffle tickets or whatever it is, you become very close with the parents of your children's friends. And so this group was. We were bleacher moms who had spent many years with most of us two sets of children that went through these groups together and within just a year or so we lost two of our most cherished friends to cancer, different types of cancer. Both women left us way too soon and both the women left a husband and young children, and when you go through something like that as a mom, there's a lot of complicated feelings that pop up. Right, you think, what if that were me? As a mother and a wife? You look at the husband and you look at the children and you think of your own husband and children and you also want to hold place for these children and this partner that you know so closely through that relationship that you develop. Right, so those boys and baseball were like my boys because we all were such a community of you know, hop in the car and let's go here and you know I can pick them up, I can bring them home, or snack shacks that we're all eating meals together.

Melissa: 24:35

So you become, I think, that complicated part of grief is all the, you know, some of its guilt, some of its missing that person within the group and the role they played, either a unique role that they played and then watching. You know, the families try and do what I had talked about earlier as far as finding their own space back in the world. So when this happened, we gathered very often and had actually a evening. We would gather once a year in memory of birthdays and really discuss, you know, share stories, the special memories, the funny stories, the acknowledging of the unique personalities of the women we had lost and how we missed those within our group, right.

Melissa: 25:33

So this as I was starting this process for the Preserve your Past podcast, in helping people writing their powerful personal stories, it really dawned on me and this is where the grief topic came from that I really would love to help support groups of people to be able to collect their stories and gift them to those family members. So I really wish, when we were doing some of these parties, that we could have worked to gather some memories of the mom and share them with the children or the husband from our perspective of her personality, because I, to this day, can tell you it is one of my favorite things to see a parent that was one of my mom's or dad's friends and hear the stories that they have as adults of my mom and dad. It's just really cool when someone can tell me something that I didn't know and see it from their perspective now, all these years later, and so I would think that it would be really amazing to have a collection of memories of the mom or dad from the friends that knew them so well, and so one of the topics that I plan on working on and supporting people with is possibly a program to help people do that. But that is something I think, even on your own, if you are going through something like that in your small community, would consider if you're losing a friend in a very close knit friend group, gathering with your friends, putting down shared memories, shared stories, whether it's for you to share as a group or whether it's something that you want to share with the children of the person who's been lost. So that is one final step that I would give, or rather, not step, but an idea of how to process our grief with stories. So I'd love to hear from you all how you have used the power of stories in processing your grief and if you would share those stories, I would be honored to hear from that, from you on that, because honestly, I don't want those stories to be lost.

Melissa: 28:07

I'd love to help you preserve your past and write your stories. So please reach out to me at Melissa, at Melissa and kitchencom, and an email If you would love help working on your stories. Check out the website melissaandkitchencom. You'll see the blog, you'll see this podcast, but also sign up for the free resource or fill out the contact page and let me know if there's a resource that's not there that you would love to see to help you get these stories down. And I keep an eye out because I will be offering some coaching type programs to help you gather with friends or families to get some of those stories written for your families, to preserve your past and get those stories written.

Melissa: 29:00

Thank you once again. I totally appreciate you being here listening with me. I know this one was a little bit like I said, a little bit on the heavier side, but stories and memories are not always we talked about this not always just Rosie and happy endings. And preserving our past and having a new generation means that there is a constant turnover in who are the storytellers and who are their next lives, and so I challenge you that, while you are here, that you be the storyteller and get those stories preserved. Wasn't that a fun episode. I enjoyed our conversation so much and if you would like to continue our conversation, be sure to follow this podcast and share with friends. This helps share the mission of preserving the past with stories. Want more tips, tools and inspiration? Head over to Melissa in Kitchencom and, as always, let's get writing your powerful personal stories.