Transforming relationship pain into authentic connection with Dolphin Kasper - Your 3-step guide

Description:
In this enlightening episode, Michael and Amy, your couples connection coaches, delve into the heart of relationships with an extraordinary guest, Dolphin Kasper. With over two decades of experience, Dolphin specializes in guiding individuals through the intricate web of relationship dynamics. He shares insights from his extensive journey of working with diverse populations, from troubled youth groups to high-achieving leadership students.

Main Points Covered:

1. The Journey of Authenticity:
Dolphin shares his unique background, growing up with a mother deeply involved in transpersonal and relational work. He emphasizes the importance of authenticity in relationships, nurtured by unconditional love and transparency. This foundation lays the groundwork for understanding human behavior in intimate connections.

2. Natural Law and Evolution:
Dolphin introduces the concept of natural law in relationships, drawing parallels from thriving ecosystems. Just as an ecosystem finds balance and evolution, human relationships are bound by underlying principles that dictate their growth and development. The key lies in understanding our journey's purpose and how it contributes to the whole.

3. From Me to We:
The hosts and Dolphin discuss the different orientations in relationships, including self-centeredness, caretaking, and partnership. Dolphin introduces the idea of moving beyond partnership into an "all context" perspective, where relationships contribute to the greater world, transcending oppositional dynamics and encompassing a broader purpose.

4. Addressing Unmet Needs:
Dolphin delves into the challenges faced by couples when one partner is seeking deeper connection while the other seems distant. He emphasizes individual agency and responsibility in relationships, highlighting the importance of creating a larger container for personal experiences and emotional sensations. Unmet needs are explored as signals, leading to the discovery of core unmet needs and authentic communication.

5. Navigating Unmet Needs:
The hosts and Dolphin discuss the influence partners have on each other and how discomfort can arise when unmet needs collide. They offer insights into creating space for individual experiences while seeking deeper understanding of one's own needs. The episode concludes by emphasizing the courage to express unmet needs without attachment to specific outcomes.

Tune in to this transformative conversation to gain valuable insights into evolving relationships, embracing authenticity, and finding a path from surviving to thriving. Prepare for a paradigm-shifting journey of self-discovery and growth in the realm of intimate connections.

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Transcript

The energy of that the energy of I wish it were different than it is only reinforces the underlying belief that for sure exists. They're in their partner which is intimacy and transparency and openness is not safe for me.

Speaker 2  0:25  
Where Michael and Amy your couples connection coaches, our mission is to help couples Thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 3  0:55  
Well, welcome back to thrive again, your relationship podcast. It's Michael here on with Amy, and we're thrilled to introduce you to an extraordinary guest, Dolphin Casper, a true luminary in the realm of relationship transformation. He's not your typical relationship coach. He specialises in helping individuals who feel trapped and bewildered within their relationship dynamics. Drawing on his extensive experience, and this is what we love, Dolphin infuses his true essence into his guidance and the sharing of his wisdom. Having dedicated more than two decades to the field, his impact is nothing short of or inspiring. He shared his wisdom through over 2000 presentations and facilitations. Reaching a staggering audience of over 100,000 people. He's worked with troubled youth groups, to high achieving leadership students. These worked from the homeless, to professional athletes, dolphins approach transcends boundaries. At the heart of his work lies, core dynamics and the underlying principles that hold the key to unravelling the intricacies of our relational challenges than we all have them. Through his teachings, you'll discover how to approach a common roadblock that we see couples caught in when it seems that one side of the relationship is not able to connect with the other to the degree that they desire. So get ready for a paradigm shifting conversation. As we go deep into unveiling the reasons you may be struggling in this area of disconnect, while offering a practical, yet thought provoking three step approach to rewriting the script on your journey together, so you can both thrive again. It's an honour to welcome dolphin Casper, to the podcast, prepare to embark on a journey of transformation unlike any other. Let's get into it. All right, Dolphin, Casper, welcome to the podcast is so nice to have you on today. Certainly, we live a great distance from each other, you're over on the other side of the world. And, man, I just want to welcome you to our show. And to all our listeners here I'd love to, to maybe get you to introduce yourself and your background and background in coaching and, and, and obviously working relationships of course, and. And yeah, just great to have you on the show.

Speaker 1  3:28  
Cool. Thanks, Michael. It's great to be here. For me, I'll try to be as kind of concise as possible. But I also want to make sure people have a sense of why listening to me might be a good idea. Yeah, so I think that the beginning of my story, my professional career actually starts before I started to do this work, which is that growing up my mom was doing a lot of really incredible transpersonal and relational work with people. So she did her own personal work and journey and, and sort of fell into the role of coaching and facilitating trans personal and communication work with with, with the community that she was a part of. And even though as a kid and as a teenager, I wasn't into doing the work with her. The way she raised me which which is my characterization would be where I was always a full human being with my own agency with my own rights with my own life to create. And a lot of honouring of that from her and a lot of unconditional love, and a lot of authenticity and transparency from her. So I got to see my mom as a human being from the very beginning. Whereas I think a lot of people are growing up and you know them doing the best they can a lot of parents struggle to be fully transparent with their children. They feel like they need to guard or hide a lot of that and so that was the beginning where I just got a chance to see what human beings are from the inside out without a lot of guardedness and I think that really suited me well to this work as kind of backdrop to my own development. And then, you know, the work that I've done over the years has been quite diverse and interesting, you know, I've worked with at risk kids quite a bit. So I've worked in prisons, I've worked with kids on the street, I've worked with people that are addicted in safe houses a lot of kind of high, high stress, high trauma, high addiction and mental illness populations. And I've also worked in leadership, and I've worked in high performance sport and worked with, you know, you know, world class athletes, and a little bit of everything in between. So, you know, the, the breadth of work that I've done, for me, gives me this really good line on the human condition as a whole. And in particular, how and where do we get off our developmental trajectory? And what are the most powerful ways to get us back on that developmental trajectory, so that we can feel satisfied and fulfilled in our lives and, and a primary vehicle and domain for that healing? And that development is relationship? Of course.

Speaker 3  6:01  
Yeah, it's, it's so so true. And what's interesting is your upbringing, and and that transparency that you talked about, it's something that was brought up in our men's circle that I facilitate, here in our local community. In that, that's something that I'm I'm still striving for is to be more transparent to drop the guard of parenthood and the role of being a father. And, and I get that there's a need, and obviously, as a mother as well, there's a need to hold those, those roles, to a certain degree, but it's also it also becomes the barrier to us having deeper connection, you know, with our kids as well, right?

Speaker 1  6:44  
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, that the distinction and being able to balance those pieces is not like the answer at the end of a textbook, you know, you're you're needing to find out in real time, the creative discovery of what's the right balance here, what what kind of transparency belongs. And, you know, depending on the age of the children, they're not supposed to hear everything that's going on in you as a parent, they don't, they're not supposed to hold all of that. So we have to discover that as parents, and as much as we'd like to believe we're different. As we become adults, it's the same with with all of our adult relationships, you know, it's not a matter of full disclosure, we're not supposed to share every single thought or, or inference of emotion in us. But we are meant to feel trust for one another, that I get you and I get what's going on in you. And there's there aren't things being hidden, that are relevant to me in our relationship. And that's where I would say the distinction is meant to lie.

Speaker 2  7:42  
Yeah, and that's so true. It's not only just with children like that relationship, but with our partners, right, that openness, the transparency, the understanding, the seeing, you know, and any relationship, whether it's romantic, or, you know, a father, son, or Mother Daughter, it's still the same underlying theme, you know, through through it all, which is really important to Yeah, break down all of the, the ego and the barriers and the masks that we put on and just see that other other person, which I guess leads kind of really well into our question that we had for you today. Dolphin. Yeah. So

Speaker 3  8:19  
in relationships is such a blessing for a lot of people. And I guess, to be involved in an intimate relationship, it can be one of the most deeply satisfying, healing transformative experiences that any person could ever experience, right. But it can also be an absolute nightmare, you know, and we're suffering can exist so much. I just wanted to maybe ask you, why is this such a disparity there? Why is there such a difference? And some people are suffering in relationships, and some people are just thriving like, what? How does that come about?

Speaker 1  8:58  
Wow. Yeah. So there's a few ways that we could come at that question. Because maybe it's the the central kind of gravity of, of what we're looking for, or what we're struggling with in our relationships is like, Anyone that believes a long a committed, meaningful long term relationship isn't going to carry a significant amount of difficulty is just not they're not in reality, they're still living in some kind of fantasy land. And there are definitely aspects of difficulty and conflict and discord within relationship that, that we're not meant to keep coming back to over and over where we get into this sort of cyclic domain of toxic relating where we're over the long term, we're actually getting less connected, and we feel more dysfunctional over time. So you know, I'm going to start by just introducing a concept that's very central to the work that I do with people. And it's very much connected to something that you might call natural law. I believe that life functions based On underlying intelligence, underlying principles of being, and relating that that simply work. And if you go into a rich ecosystem of any kind, what you'll find is not that everything is in perfect harmony all the time. But that on mass, the way in which all of the relationships that are at play in that ecosystem, have a kind of evolutionary balance to them, that everything is a rising and falling coming into life and coming into death in a way that has a certain kind of balance, and in a way that has a certain trajectory of evolution and development. And human beings and human relationships are not different than that. And so the reason I like to lay that piece out is that the biggest factor as to whether someone is going to find harmony and coherence and satisfaction in their relationships or not, is, is not so much the content of their experiences. And it's not so much the content of their external reality. It's more what what is it that their journey is about for them. And I'd like to kind of define that just a little bit, just for anyone that's listening that might not know exactly what I'm talking about right away. I believe that our actions are always connected to or tethered to some kind of central purpose central reason for being. And and the way we relate, especially when things get difficult, is our way of investing in that. That's something that things are in service to now, I believe in a modern Western culture in particular, we've become very self oriented. And we become very comfort oriented, where we believe things should go our way. And that things should feel better versus worse. And so then, even though we might not be aware of it, a lot of our motivation is about minimising pain and difficulty, and maximising pleasure and comfort. Now, there's nothing wrong with pleasure or comfort. But as soon as we make it a goal or a priority, or we make it the highest standard as to whether things are going well, what we do is we cut ourselves off from most of where life needs to go for it to come into that kind of evolutionary completion. And so for those people that are having difficulty, but they know that this difficulty is in service, to them really seeing and knowing themselves more deeply, to them really knowing what it is to be in relationship with another in an authentic way in a wholehearted way. And then to be fully expressed in the things that they truly know. And that truly matter most to them. That as a kind of primary mode of operation in relationship over time will lead to deeply meaningful, connected, satisfying relationships. And in the short term, it may actually have things look worse, which means if I've been inauthentic in a lot of ways throughout my life, and now I'm going to become more authentic, the inclusion and application of more authenticity will create a disruption to the current status quo. And so this is where a lot of people who want things to be better, but are not ready to really do the work get stuck, because they want whatever work they do to have immediate, positive results. And by that, I mean they want to feel better, they want to have the relationship look and feel better. So there's this, there's this necessity for us to understand why we're here and what the journey really is about, and what it needs to look like. And from there, we can begin to kind of put our finger on and do legitimate transformational work that allows us to have the the faculty, the awareness, the skills, and then ultimately the manifested relationships that we all really longed for.

Speaker 2  13:42  
Amazing answer. I love that. Yeah, thanks, Dolphin. And I love the way that you kind of break it down to two really authentic, it's your authenticity that's coming through, right, if the more authentic and real and truly can be with yourself, obviously, that's going to create that relationship on that, on that level, that same level, that's so beautiful. Yeah. But

Speaker 3  14:04  
it's, it's so it's so challenging. And I know even like for us, you know, like, we know, we went through so many challenges, and I guess people don't, people don't see that they don't peer into the challenges that in the dynamics of a relationship. But I mean for us, you know, having young kids and the stresses of society and life and work and bills and mortgage and all this stuff. And I think at some point, in relationships, sometimes we can fall into the trap of seeing our partner as like a resource, you know, where they're, they're kind of, it's almost like it becomes transactional. And if you don't give me what I want, then I'm going to be suffering and I'm going to point to you to blame you for the reasons I'm not I'm not happy or I'm suffering or I'm in pain. And I might even go and talk to my friends about it. And then it becomes this sort of, you know, toxic relationship where maybe at best your friends living under The same roof. And and this is just, this is kind of a lot of what we're hearing and seeing in our in the work that we're we're involved in at the moment and and so what I think what you're saying is that often it's the meaning you're putting on things that really matters. And what what are you looking to gain from this and not necessarily in the short term, but for your own, I guess for your own growth and experience and development? If you if you're looking at your partner as being, again in conflict with what you want, or the thing that's in the way, then we're going to be in a state of suffering. Yeah.

Speaker 1  15:42  
Yeah, the one thing that I'll kind of lay out, I think it's helpful for for the conversation we're going to continue having, but also for people that are in the situation, you're just talking about, which is they, they feel like there's a lot of struggle, there's a lot of difficulty, there's a lot of uncertainty and like, why and what do I do about it? When we look at what our relationships are for, I think a helpful lens to look through is that it can be like about me, as a self centred individual, like I can make my relationship all about me and meeting my own needs. And people who are really good at doing that are essentially manipulating Right? Or they're just, it's acquisition, it's a transaction, and it's acquisition, and what can I get for myself, other people have the opposite issue, their attention, and their care is all to the other. These are the people pleasers, these are people who are, don't believe that just them as they are authentically being and expressing is enough. And so then they need to compensate by taking care of the other. And then relationship can evolve out of that very self centred and actually, the caretaker or the people pleaser is also quite self centred. They're all about how do they feel okay, in that relationship, and their way of doing it is to focus on the other. But we can evolve into a we orientation of relationship, which is like this is about us, this is about what we're doing together, this is about us being in partnership around meeting each other's needs and finding ways for that to be collaborative. And that's a beautiful shift out of that, me or you paradigm. But I believe that, that if we truly want our relationships to go where they can fully go, we need to evolve past the Wii, because when there's a Wii, there's also a day. And so a lot of people that are stuck in the we orientation of relationship will be on each other side, but often against others against the world against, you know, whatever, it's the other side of the political spectrum, or the other side of the, the conversation around the climate, or, you know, whatever it is, there's this kind of oppositional dynamic between the partnership and the rest of the world. So I believe that our most fulfilling relationships will come when we have what I call an all context for relationship. My life, and my relationship as a primary aspect of my life is in service to the whole, the whole of this biosphere, the whole of existence, whatever that all means to you. And, and whereas I think that can get lost a little in the kind of esoteric kind of woowoo. For me, it can be really grounded, all it really means is that as I begin to become more aware of the totality of my life, which includes my partner, and our family, and our community, and you know, the region that we're in, in the country, in this international community of life, that I play, what looks like a very small role, and all of that, but I play a role. And that role matters. And that, that shift into the all context as a couple of things. It allows me to connect with with a reason for being and a reason for doing that can hold the difficulties of my individual life. Because I know, it's not just about me, it includes me, but it's not just about me. And as I really wake up to the implications of that my contribution, including how I am with my partner, is my gift to the world. And that gift really, really matters. Beautiful. Yeah,

Speaker 3  19:13  
I know. And well. So because I think that once we get that harmony, once we establish that harmony and and for a lot of people that don't have that, and they haven't experienced that, and it's it seems like a something that's far fetched. And I know that that it does take a big shift, a dramatic shift in how we perceive the world and others and our connection to everything. But I just find that, that it's almost like when you have experienced that. It's like there's something flowing through you that allows you to be more of yourself and therefore your gift to the world becomes more effortless, it becomes just hey, I'm just being who I am and there's there's less of a barrier there for you to do that. And if you've got Got your partner support on that journey? It just becomes just this amazing, insanely incredible, beautiful experience. And I think that's why we're so I think that's why we're so passionate about what we're doing right now is because we've experienced the shift from from suffering to really thriving. And I think I've never heard anyone explain it in that way that you have, but it really resonates with with me, and I'm sure it does with you.

Speaker 2  20:29  
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I just love the the bigger picture of it all, you know, because I feel like we can all get so stuck into the, the daily bits and the, you know, the conflict and the argument and the stress and, but when we zoom it out and look at the bigger picture of actually the what's really matters, and what's really going on, I think it's a whole big, beautiful picture that we've never seen before. So, but that's, that's what I feel is challenging for our clients. And if I can, so I'm going to drop in the question that I guess we've been seeing a lot in, in our work, and that is all around, I guess, when one partner is, is kind of in that space a little bit more, you know, and seeing the bigger picture, seeing that they do want a deeper connection and understanding of their partner. But yet their partner seems to be very, I guess pulling away or avoidance or, you know, stonewalling, shutting down when the conversation comes up. There's just we're finding it really challenging. And I'm not gonna say it's one way or the other male or female, female or male, because I've seen it on both sides. But I'm just wondering if you have any, I guess, insight or, yeah, some ideas on how that person can kind of start to get that process underway a little bit more to help that connection, build and understanding of each other.

Speaker 1  21:53  
Yeah, yeah, it's such a great question. It's such a painful question. ones I think we've all experienced on some level. And of course, some of us more than others. There's a few pieces that I want to get into, I'll start with the more practical and that is one of the things that we can do if we are a partner that is interested in our own inner work in becoming more present and becoming more responsible for our unconscious difficulties in relationship. And we want our partners to join us in that. And the partner is not automatically interested. recognise that there's a whole lifetime of reasons that that so. So this is sort of just like, in a way, like a thought experiment that helps us pull back the curtain on our partner, because oftentimes, it just feels like oh, they're, they're this way, and they're that way, and why can't they be this other way? And it's so frustrating, and I've tried so much, and why, why, why, why, why? And, and that I like people who don't want to be really, really responsible for their life and their relationships. They don't want to listen to me, and they don't want to work with me, because that's where I start. I will always start with someone around, where are you able to be more present and take more responsibility than you have been? Even if the other person is unreasonably non participatory? That's not the point. If you are coming to the table saying, How do I make this different? It has to start with an increase in your responsibility, or an increase in your honesty. In other words, like, if you come to a clear no to those first two questions, then, in a way you're answering your own question around why you're Why are you with this person? Like it's time to say hey, thanks, but no, thanks. And that's really hard for a lot of people to know this question. Like, is it time for me to leave? Should Should I leave? Should I stay? I don't know. That comes up in all the time with people I work with, and people I speak with so when we start to get more honest, we start to see how we are participating in the very thing that we say we don't want

Speaker 3  24:03  
yeah, for sure. And there's so many fears that come up in that circumstance and often that's what they need guidance with. And it's just like any fear, fear of a crazy virus, you know, it's the same thing you know, and we just want to cling to our safety and and often that's the thing that keeps people stuck in these situations.

Speaker 2  24:24  
Yes, so stuck and that's the sad part. Right? I just You see it in relationships and and there is that stuckness or like, well, I don't see a better way I can't see your way out like if I leave then this and this and this is gonna happen I jump into all of the worst case scenarios but then if I stay then I guess I'm accepting this so yeah, I feel for those people in those relationships, you know, because it is. It is a fearful decision. I ultimately because of the ramifications particularly, particularly if they've got like, kids houses, you know, businesses together, whatever it is. There's so much more to it all, then then I guess, the simplicity of Do you want to stay? Or do you want to go, you know that that kind of thing.

Speaker 3  25:08  
Yeah. And also the energy I guess of of, of that it's not going the way that I want it to, like we started with, then that leads to kind of like a core of a feeling of frustration, and therefore the communication strategy, or the way in which you communicate to your partner about that your desires, and this is what I need from you, this is what I want from you. Like how that comes across. It further, really, I guess, inhibits that person's ability to open up, as well. So actually, they, they're trying to pry it out. But what's happening is they're pushing them away further, right?

Speaker 1  25:49  
Yeah. Now, I, you know, we don't have a lot of time today. So I want to kind of be mindful about where we go. In my world in the way that I work with people, I'm really big on agency. And, and I don't believe it's possible for us to make someone do anything. But for sure we influence each other, and for sure, my actions and my interactions with you, land in you and create experiences in you. So what I think is a more accurate way to say it is that when we don't behave in the way that is most kind of connected and available and supportive, we make it more uncomfortable for them to stay connected to their own authenticity, it's, it's more, it's more painful, it's more uncomfortable, the stakes go up. But their agency is still operating on some level in the midst of all of that. So So I like to get away from like, I made you, you made me. But I also want to be really pragmatic and honest about the way we do influence and create experiences in one another. Because to say that that's not so I think, is a hand wave and a bypass. So let's, let's imagine, there's a partner, they've been feeling unmet, unsupported, they've been feeling kind of on their own in the journey of trying to heal and make the relationship better. And yet, there's love for this other and there's a sense of what's possible with others, may they get flashes or the person comes around sometimes, and then, you know, this kind of push pull, they're there and really all in and then they kind of back off, which I think a lot of people can relate to, in that, in that experience. What's what's happening is there unmet needs at play. And in a way that's beautiful and incredibly painful sometimes is unmet needs show up in us as physical and emotional sensation. And those are signals to us that there's an unmet need there. Now, what we can't assume is just because I have a painful unmet need at play, that that means I should get the thing that I want. Right, so like just think of someone who's addicted, they might have an incredible amount of pain and discomfort, and a desire for something to make that pain and discomfort go away. Getting that thing is not actually what they need. That need that sensation. And that need is a proxy, it's it's a, it's a kind of metaphor for something else that didn't get met at a younger age. And instead of finding that thing, they found this replacement, that's what addiction is, it's a replacement for a deeper, more nourishing unmet need. And so what we can start to do all lay out, I think the three things that are most important, can I create more room for my own experience? I believe that's the best place we can possibly start with any of this relational stuff, can I create a bigger container, especially for the more uncomfortable experiences that I'm having in relationship to my partner, it'll have me be more present, more attuned and less reactive. In the midst of that bigger container, can I begin to kind of weed through and discern what is the core unmet need, that's most important to me. And that's a journey, discovering how to translate these big physical and emotional sensations into coherent unmet needs, that we can communicate this, that's not an easy thing. But of course, there are ways to learn it and there's places to get support for that. And then am I willing to courageously share what's going on in me and what my unmet needs are, and give complete room for my partner to respond in whatever way is most natural and authentic for them to do so. So then my learning of all of this my learning to be more present and have a bigger container for my experience, my discernment of my core unmet need, and my communication around that is not actually to get that need met for me by the other. It's to be fully expressed, is to be fully present and fully expressed in what matters most to me. And what relationship is about is about learning how to find people that want to do that with you over time. And that's what you end up discovering that those three pieces that I'm sharing are a way for us to get clear and to support our partner and getting clear. What's really going on what matters most here? And are we willing to get on the same page around meeting those core needs? And if we're not, it's okay. No one's wrong about that. It just means pursuing this relationship doesn't actually make sense.