Is Resentment Fuelling Disconnect?: A Guide to Dissolving the Discontent

Did your parents ever sit you down for "the talk" about how to navigate the turbulent waters of resentment in a relationship? Odds are, they didn't. That's why Amy and I are here to fill in the gaps with a heartfelt exploration of this crucial yet often overlooked issue. As we unravel the knotty emotions of bitterness and unmet needs, we share stories from our clients and ourselves, offering a lifeline to those silently struggling in their partnerships. Our conversation reveals how unchecked resentment distorts perceptions and fuels a tit-for-tat dynamic, and we present tools for intentional check-ins and fostering mutual support.

Feel that chill in the air of your relationship? It could be the frost of resentment creeping in. We cast a spotlight on the warning signs—a decline in intimacy, passive-aggressive quips, and the emotional distance that can feel like a gaping chasm. Our discussion is frank, as we reflect on personal experiences and the ripple effect these patterns can have—not just on partners but on their children, too. We believe in the potential for change, and it starts with recognizing the symptoms and the resolve to turn the tide.

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, but resentment can clot the flow. In our final chapter, we dissect how resentment leads to communication breakdowns and outline strategies for cleaning out the arteries of your partnership. We stress the importance of delivery, processing, and responding with intent rather than knee-jerk reactions. Vulnerability and ownership in communication are the keys to disarming defensive stances and rewriting your relational narrative. Join us as we offer insights into transforming silent battles into opportunities for connection and healing.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:19

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2: 0:36

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast with Michael and Amy. How are you today, Amy?

Speaker 1: 0:43

Very good, thank you. It's a nice, cooler day today, Nice blue skies here. So yeah, it's been a little while between episodes, with just you and I without a guest speaker. It's a bit strange sitting with you here.

Speaker 2: 0:57

Is it? Yeah, like you don't do it every day.

Speaker 1: 1:00

Well, we do it every day, but not podcast recording.

Speaker 2: 1:03

No, that's true. It it's a treat I like doing this, it's like our bit of creative expression that comes out, and now sometimes we use this as our own therapy. So enjoy, folks. We're about to dive into some. Actually, today, we are speaking a bit about resentment, aren't we?

Speaker 1: 1:20

yeah, yep, the resentment and and the bitterness that lies between couples and between ourselves. That was definitely prominent in the early parts of our relationship and probably not even aware that we were doing that or if it was even an issue, because that's just how we operated.

Speaker 2: 1:40

It's so common. It's one thing that I really wanted to speak up about is that we need to normalize that relationships, house resentment, and it's not that this should be the case. I'm definitely an advocate for clearing resentment and we're going to go into why that's important, but I think we need to understand that we don't learn this stuff, do we? We don't really. It's not something you learn at school and often off your parents, because, let's face it like that previous generation. They tried their best but there's so many social constraints and old beliefs that they were kind of harboring in their own personality which inhibited their ability to openly express and be intimate and to resolve conflict as it comes up right.

Speaker 1: 2:33

Yeah, definitely. I don't think any of this stuff with relationships has ever been talked about much at all Like I feel like it's really important to bring some of this to life and to also understand that if you're having it in relationships, it's not that it's like you're a bad person, it's just that, yeah, there's different ways, there's a better way to have a relationship and to be in a relationship. So, yeah, that's important to recognize.

Speaker 2: 3:01

Yeah. So let's get into what we're on about here, because, firstly, we need to understand what resentment firstly is, and I think just understanding what it is is going to help to frame, then, why we need to pay attention to this area in a relationship. So when we have resentment, it refers to strong feelings of anger, bitterness or displeasure that arises from unresolved issues, unresolved conflicts, maybe unmet needs or sometimes how we perceive injustices within the relationships as well relationships as well.

Speaker 1: 3:48

Yeah, I think one good part about resentment is is that underlying feeling that you actually kind of don't really like your partner?

Speaker 2: 3:51

you know, it's like that, that um a good part about resentment if you say well, no, a big part a big part, not a good part.

Speaker 1: 4:00

A good part of it creates that.

Speaker 1: 4:02

That's what I was getting to you know, creates that underlying feeling and that kind of feels like it's rubbing against each other the wrong way, that constant kind of irritation, frustration, that just lies there and for years I thought that was normal, I thought that's just how, how you know, how we are in a, in a partnership. Yeah, and often when we leave that resentment festering and building and pushing it away and hiding it down, it it doesn't look pretty when it comes to the surface and it can actually cause a lot of trouble yeah, it can, and you're right.

Speaker 2: 4:42

Like irritation, I think, comes to mind constant irritation. It's, you know, working as a paramedic for years, it's like that, that constant scratch, you know it's, and it's um, an abrasiveness that can happen between couples and, and yeah for sure, like it, in order to move through it, it actually requires both partners to really want to move through these negative emotions and start a new chapter together. But that's easier said than done, right?

Speaker 1: 5:11

Yeah, 100%, because often it's been hidden down for so long that we actually don't know how to move past it. It kind of just becomes our way of life, the way we are together. That's just us. So that's the tricky part.

Speaker 2: 5:23

Yeah, definitely, are together. That's just us. So that's the tricky part, yeah, definitely. And then there's one thing that I've spoken about before, which is this negative sentiment, override, um which is so important to understand, you know, because we can look through this lens of what they're going to say is going to be hurtful or not true or totally dismissing my reality. So we've almost already got this preconceived idea that whatever they're going to say right now is going to be bad. And so we have these glasses that we're looking through at our partner and it can affect the energy and it can increase the emotional distancing that can happen between the two of you, and then you end up just becoming two people living under the same roof and just this terrible underlying energy underneath it, and neither of you know how to get through it.

Speaker 1: 6:15

Yeah, it's kind of like that splinter in the bottom of your foot. But you know it's there, but you just can't get it out. You know those little tiny ones that you get sometimes and the tweezers don't get them, and it just irritates you and you end up wearing your shoes and then it hurts even more. So, yeah, so this is kind of what we're digging into. We're going to dig into how to start to pull that splinter out.

Speaker 1: 6:41

You know how to bring out the resentment to make, to get a resolution, to have a repair of that problem. So then we can move forward without this bag that we're carrying around, like you like to say, the bag of resentment.

Speaker 2: 6:56

Oh, the bag. So yeah, the bag is literally the hatred or the things that we just don't like about our partner, or maybe things that have just don't like about our partner, or maybe things that have happened where we've perceived injustices or hurt, and we don't pull them out until things get fiery and then we just offload them, and that can be really unhealthy, because that's when we say things that are disrespectful, that are not kind, and we're directing energy at our partner. That is definitely not healthy and this is when we start to spiral in a negative way and often and sadly, that's when couples come and see us and it gets even trickier. If you wait until it's too late and so we encourage if you get, if you know that there's resentment there but you don't know how to move through it, then it's better to do this earlier than later. It can fester like a cancer. It's the same thing. Are you at stage one or you're at stage four, like when do you want to get this treatment done? So?

Speaker 1: 7:54

yeah, that's a good analogy. I like that one.

Speaker 2: 7:57

So let's dive into maybe some of your resentments that you had, yeah, in regards to me, and because I think we should just open up to our audience a bit more about our experience with this.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Yeah, I felt like I was reflecting on this before the podcast and I felt like a lot of our resentment started with the kids.

Speaker 1: 8:16

You know, because I don't, I think when it was just the two of us in the honeymoon phase, there doesn't didn't feel like there was much that was building up, but a lot came along with the kids and the the biggest one for me is I did want to be a mum and I loved always wanting like that desire to be a mum and I loved being a mum. But I couldn't help but feeling resentment for you going to work and you leaving, you know, me at home with the kids and I felt really trapped. I felt like I didn't have a choice in this. It was just my job and I had to do it.

Speaker 1: 8:52

And, yeah, I turned. I turned around and looked at you and went. That's not fair. Why are you going to work? Why are you able to kind of continue your life while I kind of get stuck at home here? And I know that might sound negative and come across bad because it's like you wanted to be a mom, but it's yeah, I couldn't help but feeling that resentment towards you and your continuation of life when I had to really shift and change mine.

Speaker 2: 9:20

Yeah, and I felt that and I remember that and I remember you expressing that in an indirect way to me at times, and I guess I experienced that sometimes as not sometimes maybe not so much an attack, but more of a I'm, I'm trying the best that I can. What? What more do you want me to do? And then you would ask me to step up in the home and in the family and meanwhile I would be a bit resentful towards you at that time too, because I've been working my ass off I'm. You know it's.

Speaker 2: 9:58

It's not this amazing life, not that you knew I know you knew that I I didn't particularly love working crazy hours and shift work and working through the night, going to people's houses as a paramedic, but I maybe you had this good view of, of the freedom that I guess I had, and you were starved of freedom and adulting, basically because you were a stay-at-home mum. Yeah, what's interesting for me is that one of my biggest resentments was that a lot of the time, I was working so hard and I felt like I was doing what I needed to in terms of my role within the family and I got really hung up on this, and so what would happen is when I would knock off from work because you'd be so starved of freedom, you would hand me the kids and you'd disappear. And I feel like not only am I fulfilling the role of the breadwinner and bringing home the income and putting the roof over our head, but now I'm also I've got this other role and that's maybe to just sort of take the reins in the household in certain areas. And actually I look at myself I guess the self that I was back then versus now, and I think that there was so many escapes that I had in that job and I rested so much in my doingness and I'm just doing my role, so now I can clean my hands of other duties. So I look at myself differently.

Speaker 2: 11:31

But what's interesting I guess where we're getting to here is that actually both of us had resentments towards each other's lives, like and the and the lives that each. I thought you were going out for coffees with the girls and having a great time with the kids, and hey, we're living in this beautiful town and everything's rosy. This is the life we wanted. What's the big deal? And yeah, so it's funny how both of us had this skewed view of reality, right?

Speaker 1: 11:59

oh, 100%, yeah, I can. And now, obviously, reflecting on all of that, I can see why there's potential for you to resent me in that space of um being at home with the kids. But yeah, but it's never talked about we never spoke about it.

Speaker 1: 12:12

We just kind of irked each other and and frustrated and feeling that it's not fair. Poor me. Why do I have to do this? Why am I stuck with the kids? And then you're probably thinking the same why do I have to go to work? Like you know, all of this was really only because we were so separate and so focused on our own needs and our own desires of what we wanted, but yet we couldn't ever voice them or express them to each other right.

Speaker 2: 12:42

Yeah, if only we could have seen our relationship as a separate entity at that time. You know, like we really reveal to our couples that we work with, is that the energy of the relationship, if we can invest in that rather than constantly withdrawing something as simple as a check-in. How are you like? How are you? You know today? And? And just finding out more information through curiosity, so that we can get a good understanding of what the energy is like between us, rather than me, my wants, my needs.

Speaker 1: 13:15

You're in the way of that yeah, such selfishness between us really ultimately, you know, I was selfish, you were selfish, you needed what you needed and I needed what I needed, but yet we weren't able to kind of help each other in any of those capacities and a true partnership gosh. You know, when we look now at what we're like compared to what we were back then, it's it's like day and night. It's the opposite of what we're like compared to what we were back then.

Speaker 2: 13:37

It's like day and night.

Speaker 1: 13:37

It's the opposite of what we were.

Speaker 2: 13:39

Do you remember the tit-for-tat stuff we used to do? All the time, yeah, so yeah, that's just come to mind. We used to have this thing.

Speaker 1: 13:47

It's like a diary, wasn't it?

Speaker 2: 13:48

It was very childish and maybe you relate to this but oh, you're going out for a night with the girls, Well, I'm going to go out with the guys. And then you would say, well, you can't, because that weekend I've booked out.

Speaker 1: 14:02

You know that and I'm like no, I didn't know that.

Speaker 2: 14:04

Well, it's on the calendar, and I'd be like, well, I'd overcheck the calendar, well, that's your fault, and then you'd have something booked, and then you'd disappear, and then I booked, and then you disappear, and then I'd go all right, cool. Well, that's two points to you.

Speaker 1: 14:21

I've got two up my sleeve, and so it'd be me versus you, 100 all the time, yeah, and what kind of a relationship is that?

Speaker 2: 14:25

like it's, it's one that could work if you had house, if you were housemates. You know you think about the energy of a housemate and you know, like it's, you don't mind if they just disappear and move to another house at some point, but right now it's all right. How can we make this work? If you're here on Wednesdays and Thursdays, you can do the dishes and then I'll do them this day. Like it's that kind of energy. It's super unhealthy for an intimate relationship yeah, definitely, and I wouldn't recommend it.

Speaker 1: 14:51

And if you're in that situation, I'd recommend kind of sharing some of these tips and tools that we're going to talk about in a moment, so then you can start to resolve some of this underlying resentment that's keeping you guys separate, because that's ultimately what it does. It kind of just really resentment keeps you disconnected and separateness like two you know housemates under the one roof and I reckon it breeds this toxicity as well.

Speaker 2: 15:17

Right, because I would. I would house my my frustration inside of myself, like my frustration with being exhausted, with my job, um, not being respected by my wife. Um, then I, because I'm tired and I'm a bit frustrated. Dealing with the kids wasn't so good, so therefore I wouldn't be the best father, and so the only place that I could probably go to, where I felt okay to sort of be me, was go out with my friends and go drinking or do stupid things. And in the meantime, if that was held back, if I wasn't able to go there, then I would, my anger would come out or, you know, my frustration would come out. And so the communication was terrible, and so I'd look for other escapes. You know I'd look for other ways of, you know, just exit strategies from my reality, and we all know all the things like. There's different addictions. Some people get addicted to gaming, pornography, definitely, alcohol. Alcohol, just disappearing in general Escapism that was my forte was just disappearing at an instant.

Speaker 1: 16:32

Now I call you out on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:36

And I understand your sensitivity around that now. So yeah, but yeah. So you would see the crappy version of me that you don't trust.

Speaker 1: 16:44

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:46

And when you don't trust me, I would feel threatened because I'm not being man enough, I'm not good enough to hold this together, and therefore my self-worth would be intruded upon and stomped on, and so then I would just yield more and more, and then you would just see this weak version of a man who is not the man that you married or wanted to marry, and so of course, that fuels more resentment.

Speaker 1: 17:18

And then turn that around to how I started to feel is that, yeah, like I, I would drop into because I didn't feel safe, I didn't trust you because you'd escape, and you know you do your things, but I didn't understand why you needed to do that. So, therefore, I would drop into more of like a overpowering, controlling masculine. You know that I would try and micromanage everything because I didn't know how or what, when you're coming home or what you were doing. So I was feeling very unsafe and insecure in the relationship and, ultimately, I guess, in myself, because, yeah, I felt like I had a lot of weight on my shoulders. I've got all the kids responsibilities, managing them, food, shopping, house, you know all of the duties that I needed to kind of do and you would see a very horrible version of me ultimately, like the one that kind of was definitely a lot bossier and a lot more controlling than I was, than I am, truly am.

Speaker 2: 18:17

Yeah, yeah, cause I've seen you when you're relaxed and you're in your flow and it's when you feel safe.

Speaker 2: 18:24

When you feel safe, you can let go of these ideas of who you're supposed to be and the roles and the responsibilities and ticking boxes and mitigating future circumstances and everything.

Speaker 2: 18:38

When you let that go, man, you are just in a total, beautiful, amazing essence and that just allows me more openness to step into my masculine framework and I can actually take charge and lead you and you can let go a little bit more. So, of course, this is the dance of the masculine, feminine energy and it's taken a long time for us to get to that point where we can see that dance and honor each other, shifting and turning in a healthy way and getting that healthy polarity back again. But but in the meantime, for those of you who are experiencing some sort of resentment, I think we need to just bring to your attention maybe some of the signs that really reveal that you have resentment. You know that you have it and either of you can have these types of things, so just reflect on them as we're reading them out and see if that's true for you. And no judgment, because again, we were there and many couples are when normalizing this stuff. Remember.

Speaker 1: 19:39

Yeah, we're going to share eight kind of little signs or symptoms that you've got a fair bit of resentment in your relationship and I mean you would know if you have it or not. But these are just kind of fun. Little things just to well, not so fun but these are reflective points that you can kind of maybe count up even and see how many are related to you. But yeah, number one is those constant arguments. You know that conflict, that bickering that goes on between you.

Speaker 2: 20:06

Yeah, yeah. And then emotional distance, so you could be there physically, but emotionally you could be totally distant or actually even cold Emotionally you could be totally distant or actually even cold, and that icy, cold, non-emotional presence, it's really stark and you'll know it.

Speaker 1: 20:26

Absolutely, and that was happening with us. The third one is passive aggressive behavior.

Speaker 2: 20:33

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:34

That's a pretty common thing. When you're harboring that resentment and almost you can't help it, you just kind of just be, you know, a bit of a smart ass really, or a bit of a you know kind of oh yeah, that'd be right. Yep, of course you're going off.

Speaker 2: 20:47

Yep, no worries it's such a weak um almost yeah, defensive but aggressive but aggressive approach to just getting your word in, getting your say in. And again, yeah, you're right, it's beyond cheeky, it's actually really really damaging and disrespectful, and disrespectful, and I definitely used to display a fair bit of that. You would be more direct. You just tell me how it is, but for me I probably didn't have the authority in myself to express it, so I would do it in these obscure little backdoor ways.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Absolutely. And the next one is the next symptom is lack of intimacy and I guess you'd know if that was you because you just don't feel that you're drawn to that person. There's no real desire or passion. Sometimes it's kind of like oh, couldn't be bothered, which is really quite sad when you're in a relationship like that.

Speaker 2: 21:48

Yeah, and you've got to ask what's salvageable here, because if you can't be intimate with your partner, it means that you can't be vulnerable, and there's that part of yourself that's protecting you, and so we need to acknowledge and honor that part that wants to keep you safe. But the issue is that you're not experiencing safety.

Speaker 2: 22:10

And so if you don't have safety with your partner to speak up and to have deeper conversations about what's going on for you right now and you've got a fear of them dropping into defensiveness and there's no safety, you can't have intimate conversations without safety.

Speaker 1: 22:26

That's right. And then let alone you know physical intimacy. The fifth one is holding on to grudges, or holding grudges between the two of you. But that's my ammunition, that's what I need to throw at you, and you know, holding onto grudges, oh my gosh, there's so many of them. I used to hold onto and the only real person that that would affect is probably me and the kids.

Speaker 2: 22:50

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:50

Because I'd take out that frustration onto the kids really, because I know that I was the type of mother back then that I would certainly not be able to differentiate between what's for me and what's okay for them, and that would really impact how I became a mum or how I was a mum.

Speaker 2: 23:11

Kids really sense it. They sense your energy and I think that's one thing that all the couples that we work with that have children they all recognize and know that when the energy is not good between us, the kids sense it and then they play up and they're just symptoms. Remember, your kids are actually mimicking everything that you're doing as well, so you're modeling what a relationship looks like, by the way. So they're watching, they're learning and they'll be doing so. How are you in your relationship?

Speaker 1: 23:43

Yeah, for sure. The next one is the sixth little symptom and that's communication breakdown. And that's obviously pretty obvious. If you've got resentment in your relationship, you're not talking about it because you can't, you don't know how to, and that kind of breaks down every form of communication often then.

Speaker 2: 24:04

So yeah, it's pretty unhealthy yeah, and part of that communication is, um, how you deliver your message.

Speaker 2: 24:11

So if it's delivered with some fire, then it's likely that your partner's going to retaliate or respond in some sort of defensiveness, and so you're already in the cycle, you're already in trouble, you know from the get-go. So, yeah, that's why we, that's why we really, I guess, harp on a lot about communication, and it's it's not just about speaking up, it's about how you deliver, it's about recognizing your own internal process of receiving information. Does that threaten you in some way? Are you recognizing your own in your own nervous system and how it's heightened from what he or she has said to you? And then, are you reacting based on that or are you pausing and responding in a way that's more conscious? And so there's a lot to this and it's not something you can click your fingers and learn, but yeah, but you can obviously get a better communication strategy after um learning what what we share and what we teach, and that's obviously revolutionized a lot of couples, um, you know, communication and understanding of each other for sure definitely.

Speaker 2: 25:18

And yeah, another one is just general emotional tension. So if you feel tense around your partner, um, some of this can be reflected in, you know, the walking on eggshells. Um, yeah, just just not really feeling like you can. You can speak up when you need to so you're not you're effectively not being yourself. So yeah, gets a bit murky when you go down that, that right and the last one is just lack of interest.

Speaker 1: 25:48

You're kind of not really genuinely curious or interested in your partner because you've got that so much resentment that's hiding underneath all of the layers that you're just like I can't be, bothered. I just could not be bothered anymore. So if you've got any of those symptoms uh, or if you're like us you probably had all nine of those symptoms then it's definitely worth looking into how we can start to resolve some of this stuff. So that's might be what we talk about. Next is what something that our listeners can do to help resolve this.

Speaker 2: 26:18

Yeah, first thing is, obviously communication is a huge part of this, but we can just say, hey, you just need to get better at communicating and it's easier said.

Speaker 2: 26:30

I actually think a really good start is to firstly have the courage to speak up what you're both feeling right now, to actually say, hey, I really want to speak or talk about our relationship tonight.

Speaker 2: 26:49

You know, I'd really love to sit down with you, is that okay? And when you guys get together, imagine just firstly just speaking up about how you're feeling in the disconnect that's happening, and then maybe speak about maybe some aspect of it where you've contributed to it, take some ownership, and then maybe even speak up about what your desire is for the relationship and how you want it to be better, and maybe how you're feeling scared right now or really insecure or fearful of where this is heading. And that might be a great way to start it, rather than just starting with throwing rocks and okay, so you need to pick up the slack with cleaning. I'm the one who's carrying the fort here and it's starting on the fort here and it just you know it's starting on the right foot and actually opening up to a little bit of vulnerability and a little bit of ownership yeah, well, that was kind of like the.

Speaker 1: 27:42

The next part is is actually responsibility. You know, like I think I think the first, one of the first steps, apart from the communication is is just owning how you've been showing up in the relationship and what part you've played to get it to that point. You know, and like, for me it was like when we started on this journey it was like, yeah, I've been totally micromanaging and controlling and bossy and, you know, taking over everything, and that was kind of taking responsibility. Sometimes it's hard because you don't like calling out your own flaws or your own kind of taking responsibility is. Sometimes it's hard because you don't like calling out your own flaws or your own kind of um, downfalls. But it's actually so much easier when you both can take that responsibility. You know, because when then you came to me and you're like, yeah, I can see how I've been running away, I've been escaping, I've been avoiding, you know this whole thing, um, and then it kind of feels like it softens it straight away. It's just like, oh, we both show up and take responsibility.

Speaker 2: 28:39

Is is quite a mature response yeah, it takes some maturity, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's um, it's owning your end, and then you know really, whether they own their part or not.

Speaker 1: 28:52

At least you can kind of come forward with your contribution to it and then just see how that lands yeah, yeah, for sure, and it might take some couples actually um a little while to to accept this too, because we've been such in a, stuck in a defensive mode, stuck in a you know separate separateness. So yeah, just just be patient with this too.

Speaker 2: 29:14

Yeah, the next one is just conflict resolution. And again, none of us have really learned how to do this unless we've, you know, gone and done a course or something like that. We don't learn this automatically. So one thing that we try to get you to see is that often when our partner is in a bad mood towards us or it's a repeating kind of process and they're going on about the same thing, then see if you can recognize the underlying theme underneath that. So see if you can sense if there's something bigger that he or she's calling you to do or to step up with, because if we're defensive, then all we're going to see is them attacking, attacking oh yeah, you're squeaky clean and you're just throwing rocks at me. Well, you know, can we actually sit and observe if there's a deeper meaning underneath that? Like an example might be.

Speaker 2: 30:06

I don't know if you were just saying to me why are you always just sitting around watching TV? You know, to me it's probably not about the TV, it's probably about that you're just seeing this lethargic, broken, avoidant type person who's just existing in this household and not wanting to face certain truths. You know, maybe you've been on a journey of just a little bit more self-awareness and you're just seeing this shell of a person sitting there who isn't inserting himself into the world, not taking authority and taking leadership and taking ownership of the energy within the household. And maybe that just comes out with when you get up off your ass and stop watching TV. So can you see the message underneath it is the message and, and and tv. So can you see the message underneath it is? Is the message um, and and and. Also then can you be able to receive information a little bit more maturely from our partner first and see their point of view. Is there some truth in that?

Speaker 2: 31:06

you know, and then, and then move into conflict resolution from that point yeah, like we said, all of these things are quite high level.

Speaker 1: 31:15

And then you know, if you're listening to this, you're like, oh, I'll never be able to do that. That's okay. But I guess the first step is actually acknowledging it and then also speaking truthfully about it. But also remember that we're here to help you guys, we're here to guide you, and if you need any help or resources, know where to find us.

Speaker 1: 31:33

But the next one is just quickly before we go through the last few, is the probably a really, really big one that I feel like we didn't have for each other at the beginning of our relationship or when at the beginning we did, but, you know, when things got a bit tougher for us. And that's respect. You know, I don't feel that we had much respect for each other, and I feel like when couples, um, are going through resentment, respect's a hard one to have because you feel like they're the fault, they're the blame, say, it's hard to respect somebody when, when, they're the cause of your pain. But, um, at number one, obviously, the responsibility come plate piece plays out. But it's also about finding respect in yourself, and respect for each other is really important. And what? What happens, um, then, with the energy between you, because it starts to soften and drop away as well how do you respect your partner, though, when you have resentment underneath you?

Speaker 2: 32:35

It's a big shift, isn't?

Speaker 1: 32:36

it.

Speaker 2: 32:37

It's a practice. Like you can enter into conversation, and this is something that might be valuable for you to take away right now. If you were to enter into a, I guess, what you would typically call maybe a deeper, maybe emotional conversation, where something big is going to be brought up, could you make it a ritual that, just before you enter into something big and deep like this, that you frame it with each other that, okay, can we agree to be kind and respectful to each other, no matter which way this goes?

Speaker 1: 33:12

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 33:13

If you had that as a ritual, that would be a total game changer in terms of being able to recognize when you're being disrespectful. All of a sudden, you have rules of engagement, you have framework and you have boundaries in terms of no, that's not okay, that was disrespectful, we need to walk away.

Speaker 1: 33:31

Yeah, yeah, for sure. It's a great framework just to get started with yeah and be okay with walking away, because otherwise it's going to blow up. Um, this is another, uh, really important one that I wanted to speak into. But it's hard to let go of resentment when you're not caring for yourself, when you don't actually have practices or things that filling up your own cup to look after yourself again, because you're not taking responsibility for your own well-being and your own mental health and you're kind of putting the blame outside. So how do you, how can you look within and start to find things that actually make you feel good, so then you can feel better in yourself and then show up better for the relationship.

Speaker 2: 34:19

Yeah, again, there's so many intricacies to this, because if you have a low level of, I guess, self-worth or you're a people pleaser and you just want to put everyone else's needs first, including the kids, then that's obviously a hurdle that you need to work through and get over. Because if you think that you're going to be happier by putting everyone's needs first, that formula doesn't work. I've tried it and I've dismantled it and worked out that actually if I put myself first not a whole heap at the start, but just practiced it, give myself, you know, time and space to self-care, then I'll be well equipped to be more emotionally grounded. Yeah, so definitely prioritizing yourself.

Speaker 1: 35:10

Learning to do that is a big part of it yeah, so important that groundedness in yourself, because otherwise you're just going to respond and um, and sorry, you're not. You're going to react and not respond. Um, so that's another good one noticing your nervous system when it's triggered off, coming back down, realizing that you know that that's probably not the best time to go into this conversation or this situation, and and being more mindful of how you're feeling in those moments too, yeah, yeah so hopefully that's given you some a bit of a framework and a bit of an idea, firstly, of the symptoms of having resentment and then, secondly, some ways in which you can divert the trajectory.

Speaker 2: 35:52

you know in which this is going, and and maybe just put some sort of circuit breaker in and maybe introducing some rituals before you enter into deeper conversation might be a great way to start. You know, prioritizing your self-care is a big one too, so if you can start with those, then just slowly, slowly, you can work towards unraveling these. But it does take sometimes some guidance to work through this stuff, and that's where Amy and I can really help, and it's something that we both pride ourselves in. We actually have a lot of belief that we can help in this area, especially with couples that have deep-seated resentment, and we want couples couples to thrive. We don't want you to be living in this state of suffering, and that's our contribution at the moment to the world.

Speaker 2: 36:38

And and um, yeah, certainly we are opening up a couple extra spots for clarity calls, and clarity calls are simply a 30-minute call where we will, you know, maybe give you both an opportunity just to voice what's happening and we can see if we can give you some clarity on what's needed in your relationship. So if you're interested in maybe exploring that, then give us a call just through our website. It's at michaelandamycomau and you can just book a call with us.

Speaker 1: 37:07

Yep, easy. And if you actually would like a free quiz on the Resentment Quiz, we've created a little two-minute quiz to help you guys get a bit more understanding of where, what areas, you're holding on to resentment in your relationship. So just flick us a message and we can send it through. But thank you so much for listening, and without you guys, obviously this podcast would not be even possible. So we're grateful for you to share this with your family and friends as well, if you find this helpful at all.

Speaker 2: 37:37

Yes, wonderful to get through another episode. I think that's episode 30. We've done 30 episodes now, so you've been on the journey. Maybe you've only joined us recently or maybe you've been there for the whole ride, but we love doing these and it's a big backbone of what we're doing and how we're offering I guess you know just free information because we're so passionate about this. So thank you once again for joining us and we'll catch you on the next episode Thanks guys.