Growing Together, Not Apart: Overcoming the Friction of Individual Growth in Relationships

When was the last time you felt your personal growth was causing friction in your relationship? Join us as we recount our decade-long journey navigating the complexities of growing individually while staying connected as a couple. Through  reflections, we explore the emotional rollercoaster of feeling abandoned, frustrated, and misunderstood when our personal development paths diverged. Our honest conversation aims to provide you with relatable insights and show that reconnection is possible, even when perspectives seem misaligned.

Our story isn't unique—many couples experience the loneliness that comes from seeking emotional support outside their partnership. We'll share our pivotal moment of reconnection, sparked by a heartfelt letter, demonstrating the transformative power of self-reflection and open communication. Listen as we recount our struggles and triumphs, offering strategies for overcoming similar hurdles. Whether it's dealing with confusion, fear, or the isolation that comes from differing interests, our experiences offer a roadmap to finding common ground and mutual understanding.

Feeling like one partner is outgrowing the other is a common challenge, but it doesn't have to spell the end of your relationship. We'll give you practical tips to ensure that both partners feel valued and included in each other's growth journeys. By maintaining curiosity about your partner's interests, enhancing your communication skills, and exploring new shared activities, you can rebuild and strengthen your bond. And if you need more personalised support, don't hesitate to take advantage of our free 40-minute clarity call—we're here to help you thrive together.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:19

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2: 0:35

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. I'm here today with my beautiful wife, Amy. How are you, Amy?

Speaker 1: 0:44

Very good, thank you.

Speaker 2: 0:45

That's good Coming into winter time at the moment and we're enjoying the cooler weather before we head off overseas. So, yeah, looking forward to getting over into some warmth as well over in Vietnam.

Speaker 1: 0:57

so yeah, yeah, it's been a busy lead up for us for getting our clients all prepared and ready, um, before we take a break. So, yeah, it feels like it's definitely good timing for us to kind of take some time out and, um, enjoy the family again because, yeah, things have been a little bit hectic. But, uh, yeah, we would love to put this episode out because it's something that we've been coming coming across a little bit recently with our clients I've been working with, and it's a familiar experience because it's something that we've been coming across a little bit recently with our clients I've been working with, and it's a familiar experience because it's something that we also went through during our growth in our relationship and ourselves.

Speaker 2: 1:34

So, yeah, yeah, so we're really just bringing to light the challenges that can emerge when one partner is seemingly doing a lot of work on themselves, a lot of personal development, maybe some growth, maybe some healing, which can in turn cause some disruptions in the connection between the two of you in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 2:02

Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1: 2:03

I think it feels, i't know, in our, in our theme of work, it feels like there's a lot of people on this new growth, healing journey, um, which is amazing and we love that because, um, we're all for you know, finding out where our core wounds are and where we need to heal so then we can show up better for ourselves and our children and obviously, in our, in our partnership and our relationship.

Speaker 1: 2:26

So, yeah, when they, when we do start to dive into this area, it it can be very um alienating, it can be very um disconnecting for a relationship because it's all new, and particularly if one person's invested in the, in that growth and that path, and the other person maybe not. So if you've experienced this dynamic in your relationship, or maybe you're in the middle of it, then this episode will be really helpful for you just to kind of maybe share some ways how to bring back that connection and bring back the understanding with what you're experiencing during this. Or maybe you're listening to this or maybe you're you're listening to this because your partner's going through that and you're feeling potentially I don't know abandoned or left behind or not good enough.

Speaker 2: 3:15

Whatever those feelings are, that this might also be helpful for you today so I think we should just start with, maybe, our journey and how we have gone about, I guess, our own growth, because both of us are actually geared towards personal development. We always have been interested in that, but that doesn't mean that we're growing at the same level and it doesn't mean that we're growing at the same level and it doesn't mean that we're growing in the same areas. Because for me, I was always interested in personal development from probably the age of as soon as I basically was an adult. I was reading, you know, books like Think and Grow Rich. There was a lot of reading that I was doing and it was all geared towards, you know, increasing wealth, increasing you know how we communicate in the world and and things like that.

Speaker 2: 4:09

But there there came a time, I think, in our relationship where we were both on different journeys of growth and sometimes there's stagnancy in in one of us and sometimes the other one is really in a season of growth and for us my memory was around when it must have been around 10 years ago, and I think we were both on a journey of spirituality and working out what that is, and I think we just went on a big bifurcation where I was heading down religious paths to try to gain answers, and particularly from my Christian upbringing and background, I was looking to dive into that so that I can either find some truth in that or totally put it to the side. And at that point in time you were really going on your own growth journey about finding about who you were. But they were totally different paths and different tracks and actually caused a lot of friction, didn't it?

Speaker 1: 5:11

yeah, yeah, I just wanted to clarify, I guess, what growth means as well, because I think maybe some listeners are going what are you talking about growth? But I feel like you know, when we're talking about growth, it's kind of like that deeper understanding of who we are and what we're here for and and a bit more understanding about the universe. And I don't know if you, whatever your, your belief is to the greater, whether it's God, whether it's, you know, mother Nature, whether it's Gaia, whatever your belief is. It's kind of like exploring that more and understanding ourselves. So then we can also be better in the world and better for each other. But yeah, I feel like sometimes growth can be like what are you talking about growth? So that's why I felt like it's important just to clarify what we're meaning by growth, and it's that self development, it's that personal growth, it's that diving into more of understanding you and how you're wired and why you're the way you are. So that's what I just wanted to talk about, sorry, but yeah, going back to your question about like what my experience was when we were kind of going through this journey, at the beginning phase, when we just started, I think you know the kids are only just really little. To be honest, I think, like for us, I see, to be honest, I see some couples that are so young and I see some individuals that are so young these days and diving into this stuff, like in their early 20s, and I'm just like, wow, it was quite late for us really. It was kind of like 30s, early 30s, that we kind of like got really quite heavy into the curiosity of life and what it meant and who we were.

Speaker 1: 6:45

So, yeah, at the beginning I guess I was going to women's circles like I would not long moved here and and there was a group of women who would go and meet and they would sit in circle and I thought at the beginning it was so strange that they would share about what they're going through and it wasn't like, to be honest, most of the time for me. I was used to like girls or women just whinging about stuff, whinging about their partner or whinging about the kids, being so naughty and like it was. It was different environment altogether. It was more about let's look inward and see what, what was going on internally in our emotions and our feelings. I'm like gosh, I don't even know what.

Speaker 1: 7:25

What am I feeling, and so that was my beginning of sitting in circle with women and trying to uncover a little bit more information about me and who I was and um, and yeah, and in that circle there's lots of books that I was introduced to and a lot of um, bigger picture stuff. I was like, wow, this kind of was really starting to blow my mind. But I do remember doing that quite separately from you. I do remember you were busy working and I was busy with the kids, but this was quite a separate sort of secret thing that I was doing that I didn't really share too much about you with you about that.

Speaker 2: 8:03

So, yeah, I think there were some reasons why you didn't share that with me as well, because, I mean, obviously it's a women's circle, so in effect, it's women's business, right, and I think sometimes, you know, there's there's also a bit of a bit of fear, you know, because it is weird, you know, maybe it is something different for our relationship and I'm actually witnessing amy grow in different ways, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. It made me feel like, in essence, I wasn't needed a little bit because you were getting emotional support from others and therefore I probably, you know, there was a bit of distance that I'd maybe created between us, which then made it even harder for you to share about what you're going through in your growth. And then, in a way, like I, was going on my own journey of discovery and research and finding, you know, getting to the bottom of different religious beliefs, which, of course, led me to embody some of these principles, to literally wear them to see how they fit. Are they real? No, they're not, or, yes, they are.

Speaker 2: 9:12

This part is, this part isn't, but some of those fundamental beliefs clashed with some of the things that Amy would really start to step into as well. So we naturally I think individually created our own hierarchical kind of presence in our individuality. We were sort of like sometimes, you know, I'd get on my high horse and tell you you know, no, you should be doing it this way. And then I remember you saying, no, you should be doing it this way. And yeah, it just caused a lot of um, a lot of friction yeah, it was pretty lonely that time for us.

Speaker 2: 9:52

Um, I can't remember the coming back together part oh, the coming back together part was probably when we ended up getting into really big like a really big cycle of disconnect to the point where, um, we really weren't enjoying each other's company. And then, yeah, I think I've spoken about it before but, um, really, like, you wrote me a letter and you were really in a lot of internal distress about the way that our relationship was and how you're, how I was maybe not stepping up in in in a lot of ways and, yeah, it got me to really self-reflect.

Speaker 1: 10:29

Um, that was a big, a big part, I think, of the journey for us yeah, I think, um, there's some of the feelings that, uh, were coming up during that time of you know this, the this personal growth paths going completely separately was kind of feelings of like confusion.

Speaker 1: 10:48

I remember just like being so confused why you couldn't think the way I was and why you didn't see things the way I did, and maybe you know that's also my own process of what I was experiencing at the time.

Speaker 1: 11:03

But it was also like, um, I wasn't able to speak or communicate that to you.

Speaker 1: 11:09

I wasn't able to kind of really share what I thought because you thought so differently at that time and then that just kind of led me to shut down and our connection was, you know, non-existence and I I felt quite lonely, thinking that, oh, maybe this is, this is crazy, maybe I'm crazy, maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe there's, maybe I don't even need you anymore, like having this new awareness of life and spirituality and who I was, a bit more as I, oh, maybe you know, like all of these things were kind of like mulling over in my mind and it was a confusing time.

Speaker 1: 11:47

I remember really being quite confused at that potential of what this all meant to me. And if you're listening to this and you kind of can relate, then I'm sure that you can understand that confusion and that loneliness on this journey can now share, I guess, to help you guys in this process of this self-growth and how you can actually not be so disconnected from your partner, because we learned the hard way but yeah, there was a lot of issues that that brought up what was the experience for you and how are you feeling during that time?

Speaker 2: 12:25

Yeah, so I think, if we go right to the depth of it. I felt threatened.

Speaker 2: 12:29

Yeah, so I think, if we go right to the depth of it, I felt threatened, yeah, I felt threatened by your growth, and I was fearful of what you were becoming, because that becoming was something that was obscure to me, it was the unknown, and it led me to think that I'm going to be redundant, that I'm really obsolete in this relationship, and so that brought up fears, and when you know, when we're fearful, like, it signals to our nervous system that we need to protect ourselves, and and so I'd bark back and I'd, I'd challenge you and I'd get on my high horse and um, and it would just, yeah, cause further disconnect. So, yeah, that's what was happening for me is I was actually fearful.

Speaker 1: 13:14

A lot of inadequacy as well. I felt like I felt I don't know like I felt that you felt inadequate you know, like as if I felt superior and you were inferior and I don't know.

Speaker 1: 13:27

You know, like I, which was obviously the wrong stance, but that's how I felt, because I was so empowered and I was so had so much strength and courage because I kind of was going to these you know beautiful events and I was able to kind of learn all these things and walk away with this newfound boundaries and you know, oh boundaries, yeah, yeah, Like what was okay and what wasn't okay anymore. Yeah, right, Like what was okay and what wasn't okay anymore.

Speaker 2: 13:50

Yeah right, and so when you started to have those and this is probably the first pitfall that I wanted to bring up Sorry to cut you off, but yeah, I think boundaries are really important because I noticed that there was some being put in, there was some things that you weren't tolerating anymore, but we've been putting up with these things or acting in this way for 10 years. So, like this disruption, this felt like a disruption, um, to something you know in us and I think how I was translating it is that you're less accommodating. You know that, that you really it's, and and to me again, that just adds to this threat that, oh my God, like she's. Well, basically, she's been a bitch. You know she's not as cruisy as she used to be. Why is she getting up me for these things now?

Speaker 1: 14:41

Yeah, for sure, and I wasn't tolerant. I was not very tolerant at all because I felt like this, I don't know't know power, phoenix, rising power inside of me, that I was like rah, I can you know like it was. Yeah, and I, looking back, obviously I was just doing what I needed to do, but now it kind of feels very, um yeah, very yucky. Didn't feel like a nice energy no, but I.

Speaker 2: 15:03

But I tell you what was is something that I I've noticed is that you were experiencing that Phoenix rising, but only outside of our relationship, because when you'd come into the space with me and you, you would have to minimize yourself, which would then further keep yourself restricted and actually be inauthentic in a way, because you didn't feel safe to open up and be totally authentic with me. Because you couldn't, because I wouldn't let you.

Speaker 1: 15:32

Yeah, and because it was probably not. You know the space had been set for so many years of our relationship in that energy, of how our dynamics were, that it was like, oh, how do I do this here? Like it was just so awkward and yeah. So I kind of yeah, like you said, I just went back to some of my old ways, but then in some capacity I was still stepping into some of those boundaries which I could imagine was so conflicting for you. But yeah, anyway so yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:00

so if you're listening to this, you're either on one side of the fence or the other. You know it's likely that maybe you're feeling like your partner is growing and sometimes maybe you're fearful of them outgrowing you. Well, maybe you're on a growth trajectory yourself and you really feel like you have to kind of minimize yourself in the relationship in a way to just keep the peace, because when you bring that newfound energy and self-respect into the relationship, it might feel threatening to them. So that's probably the first thing is really just understanding how this is actually affecting them. Of course we don't want to minimize ourself to a point where it's really constricting and unhealthy, but we're going to share a couple of ways in which you can actually bridge the gap with these dynamics, if this is you.

Speaker 2: 16:50

So just to recap, I guess, on some of the pitfalls and challenges that we've just gone over, the first thing is you're on a path that might be different to them and this can sometimes cause levels of distance, like distance between the two of you, and reasons are because sometimes you might potentially get on your high horse, you might see them really down and you say you should be meditating, you should be exercising more, or why don't you just try choosing happiness? We all have a choice. You can see how it's easy to get on your high horse. You can just say those things and guess what that does? It makes the other person feel like they're further inadequate. Um, and also that that you're oh, you're a, you're a master. You know, aren't you amazing now going to all of these? You know meditation classes and yoga, and and look at you now.

Speaker 1: 17:47

so that can cause a divide yeah, and that you kind of get on your defensive, like you kind of get your back up when you're that person you know and then that just causes this conflict. And then this, yeah, this push-pull energy between the two of you like don't tell me what to do. Yeah, we see this a little bit as well with couples that we're working with.

Speaker 2: 18:06

And when you go through a phase of real deep growth, what that normally leads to is a high level of self-respect, because you love yourself more, because you've started to dispel all the darkness that exists in little crevices in your mind. What that does, if you respect yourself more, is that you desire, um, or sorry, you don't tolerate as as much negativity or you know bad behavior. Maybe your partner, you know, treats the kids in a certain way and you just don't stand for that anymore. So so yeah, self-respect can come into the equation. Therefore, boundaries and when boundaries come in, your partner can actually perceive this as really being less accommodating or really forceful in different ways.

Speaker 1: 18:55

Yeah, and resentment builds. Yeah and that keeps you distanced, and then you can't be intimate because you're just so distanced between you.

Speaker 2: 19:07

Yeah, and we talk about vibrational frequencies and how everything in this world is, a, is a frequency, and we all resonate at different frequencies. You can see how a disparity can can really come into this equation where you know let's just say you got an fm radio, you know they're on, you know 97.2 and you're on 107.7 and you really just can't tune into each other anymore.

Speaker 1: 19:34

Yeah, yeah, and if this exists for too long, then sometimes it does lead to separation, because it's just like it's just too much. So, yeah, this is why we want to address this issue, because it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to always um have this disparity in this, um, different frequency. We can start to realign the frequencies and that's where the magic happens.

Speaker 1: 19:54

This is where we come into play and and we can really get um, you know, we can get into the nitty-gritty of what is really deeply going on underneath these kind of uh feelings you know that you're having, when, when you're when you're witnessing your partner outgrow you, and you might even come to the belief you're having when you're witnessing your partner outgrow you, and you might even come to the belief you're like, oh, I don't even need you anymore, I don't even actually need you, and that can be actually ineffective as well.

Speaker 2: 20:20

All right, let's get into ways that you can actually stay connected with your partner, even though you're going on different growth trajectories. All right. So one of the ways that I think is probably the most important way I would say is that, even though you're on your path, and maybe you can see and sense that you're growing and you're getting more self-empowered and this is leading to more distance, I would say that you're on your path. What I really encourage is, even though you're going on your own growth journey and it might be classes that they don't attend, it might be getting together with other people that your partner doesn't know it's really important to see if you can find a way to just share some glimpses at least of that experience and what that means for you. Because the natural default is normally to just withhold and to just keep it within, because if I speak about it or if I bring it out, he's going to think that I'm weird or she's going to think that I'm just this crazy woo-woo person or whatever. But it's actually really important to share that. But the best way to share this is not to just speak about your experience right off the bat.

Speaker 2: 21:38

What you need to do is get good at finding out what's their main priority in their life, and that sounds really counterintuitive and counterproductive. But really what we're doing is we're finding out what their interests are, as in where their energy is focused on at the moment. So their energy most people is focused on maybe their workplace or maybe some things that they do after work. But what are their stresses at work? Like what's their boss like, like what's happening in that space, or if they're really interested in maybe playing football on the weekends, just find out more about what that is and why that interests them and why that's important to them. Really get interested in their world, even though it's totally different from yours.

Speaker 1: 22:23

Yeah, because that will help them to feel like they are important, even though they're witnessing you go off on this separate sort of path. As such, it kind of makes them feel like, oh, you're coming back to me and you haven't forgotten about me and I'm important too. And when you inquire into their world and what lights them up and what is happening for them, then it helps them to feel like, oh, okay, you do care about me you know, just reminding them of that because, um, yeah, sometimes I know I forgot that was like I don't care about you.

Speaker 1: 22:54

You know, like it was really quite like, yeah, horrible really the way that I was like kind of just I'm on my path and this is me, and blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, it's important. I think that what we've learnt from this journey is to go back and be curious about them and what is going on in their world, because then, ideally, they'll start to inquire about what's important for you and then you can share parts of what you've been experiencing as well.

Speaker 2: 23:21

Yeah, so important Because you imagine the other way around, right? The other way around is oh, you and your three-dimensional football. You should try meditating, you should try, you know, going and actually letting go of everything and all of a sudden you'll see that that game's just a, you know, just a silly thing. It's just a game and of course, the person who's always been interested in football and that's just what they've been doing like that's going to seem super obscure and really weird and totally alienating.

Speaker 1: 23:52

So remembering the opposite of that is being super curious and inquiring about what they're into yeah, and and I think part of that is also allowing um moments and snippets of of you to share what you're experiencing with them and being okay, even if it does sound a bit strange, say, hey, this is important to me, this is my, my world and and this is what I'm experiencing, and, um, I really, I really um encourage that you, you find the courage to to speak into this, as opposed to just keeping it all to yourself.

Speaker 2: 24:24

Yeah, yeah and the other. The other thing to just really drop into in terms of like ways to stay connected is to just remember that your growth may be perceived as a threat to them, making them feel like they're not really valued anymore, like they're redundant in some way. And if they have been in a place where you have needed them for so long for support, for warmth, for comfort, but then all of a sudden they're feeling self-empowered, well then, who the hell are you like? What can you offer? And sometimes this can be really, really hard, you know, for that person. So just having awareness of how this might impact their self-esteem, you know.

Speaker 1: 25:14

So that's just patience and support, right. So being supportive, being patient, being aware and that, I feel like, is the true personal growth is when you can be conscious of your partner and actually care for them, because it's kind of easy to just be empowered for yourself and just kind of almost be a bit selfish, but the challenge is actually acknowledging your partner and what they're experiencing is too. So that's a big part of spirituality or growth, or whatever you want to call it, because if we are only involved with ourself, then that's not going to be beneficial beneficial for the relationship at all, really.

Speaker 2: 25:58

Yeah yeah, another way is to just up level your communication. So, yeah, you actually don't need your partner for this, which is really interesting like you can just literally get better at communicating, to listen, like, to really understand their, their reality and we definitely hold this very high on our list, especially when we're working with couples. It's such an early intervention and early strategy that we, you know, offer our couples that we work with, because we can see how, with practice, this ends up becoming such a superpower. If you can listen and really, really understand your partner and drop yourself into their shoes while being empathetic to their circumstance, without jumping into your own story or maybe how you're suffering or I'm suffering more and starting to turn it around on you, then they'll trust you more. They'll trust that oh no, this person does care for me and is there for me yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 26:56

And lastly, I think a really great way to build that connection back is actually maybe trying to explore some new interests, some new things that both of you might want to do together to start to build that bond back. Uh, if you feel like you've kind of gone off on your different paths, so, yeah, maybe bringing up conversation. Hey, what can we do this weekend? What's something different that we can do together? Um, because it's important that you, you include them and you make them feel like they are still, really, um, valuable and important to you. So, yeah, that can be a couple of ways.

Speaker 2: 27:28

Definitely and and obviously the final one is you know, of course we're we're couples counselorsors, so you know this is something that we do, but I just really want to reference it in terms of the research that you know we've been looking into and that is doing work separately versus doing work together and really how this, I guess this perceived inequality, actually you can cause disharmony.

Speaker 1: 27:58

So yeah, I think there's been a lot of research and studies actually done in this and, to be honest, we've kind of done our own research and study in this area too, because when we first started working with couples, we did a lot of separate sessions. We had the privilege of Michael working with the men and I'm working with the women, and we'd do these great sessions and then we'd kind of come back together but we'd notice that there was this kind of weird disjointed feeling and we understood that from our experience. Oh, this is because these guys are kind of not seeing each other anymore, because they're going on slightly separate paths. So now we've and through the research there's a study done in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology and explored how actually the growth discrepancies between partners affect relationship satisfaction. And I probably should have read that before. We did our stuff in our relationships.

Speaker 1: 28:49

But the study suggests that mutual growth and involvement in each other's personal development can enhance relationship satisfaction. And that's what we now do. We now our program to become, to have a better relationship. You need to become a better person. Who man? You know each partner, not just you know the whole caboodle, it's actually you need to kind of also do your own growth and your own reflection, because that's where the responsibility comes, to see how you show up in the relationship for each other. So, therefore, we've noticed that we this builds, this builds the connection and bond, because they witness each other in the, in the personal growth, and they witness what, what the healing is and the underlying pains, and and that's where the magic unfolds for a relationship to really deeply thrive and grow together, as opposed to this disparity.

Speaker 2: 29:42

Yeah, and that disparity. I mean it's one thing being alone, you know, in life but I'll tell you one thing that's just as bad is being alone, but in a relationship, and this exact topic that we're talking about can cause loneliness within the relationship, and that's not what we want. That's absolutely not, because you can survive there for a long time, by the way, and we see people surviving there for decades. It's not healthy, it causes immune dysfunction and we know that now through research and Gabor Marte speaks extensively about this in his psychology work and, yeah, we really want to drum this home. So I hope today has really brought some light to maybe this area in your relationship where you feel like one's outgrowing the other, because, yeah, it is a common problem and we thought we'd address it today and hopefully you gain some, some little tips and ways in which to, to you know, form some inroads and if you, of course, as always, if you need help with this, if you're experiencing this in your relationship, then yeah, reach out, because we're always here.

Speaker 1: 30:52

We've got a free clarity call that might just help to understand each other a little bit better yeah, that clarity call is about 40 minutes where you guys can just gain some clarity from us.

Speaker 2: 31:02

You know, and we're happy to offer that for you. So, um, yeah, thank you very much for listening and we'll catch you on the next podcast thanks guys.