STOP Neglecting Relationships Outside of Your Romantic One

How do you strike the perfect balance in your relationships to achieve true happiness and well-being? In this episode of Thrive Again, we promise to unpack the secrets behind nurturing not just romantic bonds but also friendships, family connections, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself. Drawing from our personal journeys, client anecdotes, and pearls of wisdom from experts like Jay Shetty, we confront the modern epidemic of loneliness and the role our tech-immersed lives play in it. Through the Harvard study on adult development, we reveal the unseen benefits of feeling seen, heard, and valued in genuine connections.

Take a thoughtful journey with us as we explore the essentials of self-care and transforming loneliness into delightful solitude. Learn why high-quality, intentional time with your romantic partner can make all the difference, and discover how structured family activities can deepen those cherished bonds. Reflecting on the social dynamics of past generations, we underscore the importance of friendships and the dangers of codependency in romantic relationships. Finally, we challenge you to evaluate your top three influences and their impact on your energy and well-being. Tune in to reshape your relationship landscape and boost your happiness.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:19

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. Welcome everybody to another episode of Thrive Again, your Relationship Podcast. We're recording this from our very new office space, which is very exciting. And how are you going today?

Speaker 2: 0:50

I'm good, thanks. Yeah, it is nice. It's good to have the office set up on our land for our local couples and the individuals that come and do some work with us as well. So, yeah, it's beautiful. It's a whole brand new beginning and, yeah, we've basically got it set up. So we do want to add some more things to it, like a big front deck, and you know we're just going to take it one step at a time, though.

Speaker 1: 1:18

Mm-hmm, Just like you like it one step at a time, no rushing anything.

Speaker 2: 1:24

Well, you've got to go with the flow. Sometimes you can't always be so rigid and structured.

Speaker 1: 1:28

I wonder if our audience picks up on that, the difference between you and I. Anyway, that's for another topic.

Speaker 2: 1:35

Maybe they can make up their own story about us, can't they?

Speaker 1: 1:38

They can.

Speaker 2: 1:39

Well, we're going to reveal a bit about us today, but we're also have designed well. We put together this episode because we thought it was really important to have a balanced view on your relationships that's plural as a whole with other people, and sometimes, when we're in a romantic relationship, we just forget other areas of relationships that are super important for our happiness and our wellness.

Speaker 1: 2:10

Yeah, for sure. I mean, we focus predominantly on romantic relationships, understanding the importance of nurturing all relationships. To make sure that your romantic relationship is the best it can be is also just as important. So that's why we thought this topic was a good one for you guys to just reflect on and also to yeah, to maybe challenge some, some of the audience, because if you're anything like us, then we're neglecting some of our relationships and I think, for for us, connection is really important in human beings in general. It's one of the most important things that we can do is connect with another person, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship. So we wanted to speak into that today and and dive into that a little bit more, uh, into what that actually means. Well, what are we talking about?

Speaker 2: 3:07

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think, just before we jump into the episode, I just want to say thanks again to all the comments and the people that have been just really into our Facebook group, which is Thriving Relationships. It's a private group. If you're not part of it, make sure you get on facebook to michael and amy or instagram and give us a follow and then send us a message and we can add you into the group, because we just share some really invaluable wisdom and tips in there and also just experiences that we have with our current clients. So you know, we are just looking to help people in in different areas, whether it be free content, all the way up to working intimately with us over even a three month period, so maybe even longer. So let's get into the episode, and this episode is highlighting some areas in your relationships that maybe you're neglecting. So I think for me, I was making these assumptions about being in a committed relationship for a long time and that assumption was that once I'm married and we've got kids and we're a family unit, that I just need to really nurture the relationships within that ecosystem. And I was wrong, you know, because there were other areas where I was neglecting and areas where both of us were and still continue to um be challenged with. And you know jay sheedy if anyone has heard some of of his work and maybe read some of his books, he speaks about this and we found it to be really pertinent in our life and I think that sometimes, when we're feeling like there's a disconnect or disharmony in ourselves, we can have a look outwards at our relationships and the quality of them currently, have a look outwards at our relationships and the quality of them currently, and I would say that you will nail at least one area where you've been neglecting or where there's just been a bit of friction. Yeah, cool. So there actually was a study that was done from. It was the Harvard study of adult development, and they've established a really strong correlation between deep relationships and our happiness and well-being.

Speaker 2: 5:32

So the question is how does a person nurture these deep relationships? Because we need to face it that there's this loneliness epidemic that's happening in the world and even though you might be in a relationship, you might be with a partner, maybe you've even got a family Loneliness can still exist. We can still feel isolated, right? So genuine connection means feeling seen, heard and valued and it means making others feel the same way, so it's reciprocal. Surprisingly, more than half of Aussies feel lonely and many don't think that their relationships are even meaningful. Only 59% admit to having a best friend and 12% have no friends. Moreover, 57% eat all their meals alone. Isn't that crazy to think?

Speaker 1: 6:30

Yeah, it is crazy to think, but I guess we're a product of our society, right? We're a product of what our life is becoming of our society, right? We're a product of what our life is becoming. Um, you know this, our phones are taking over, the tvs are taking over.

Speaker 1: 6:46

I'm sure um, in amongst that, 57 who are eating alone are probably eating in front of some type of screen, whether it's watching a movie, or um, yeah, like I, there's families out there that, yeah, put on a tv show and the kid eats in front of the tv show because it's keeps them distracted and that's that, that's their choice. I'm not knocking that, but um, yeah, I guess that's where this epidemic of loneliness and isolation comes from. Even if you're in a family or with with others, it's that your own world. You're trapped into your own little dimension of your reality, isn't that?

Speaker 2: 7:26

so true, and it's really probably one of the scariest thoughts that I ever have anymore is how isolated we're becoming. Yet we feel like we get these short moments of connection when we're scrolling through instagram or tiktok. We're feeling like we're connecting with somebody else's experience, but at the same time, our partner's sitting two meters away and they're in their own world of connection at a micro level. But on a macro level level, we're bloody lonely. We're isolated, we don't know how to talk to each other anymore and we we forget all the ways in which we used to connect as a human being.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Yeah, absolutely so. I'm not surprised by those statistics on on, you know, the isolation epidemic because, yeah, unfortunately, social media and and and society is starting to program and condition us in that way. So it's, yeah, it's important to start looking at this dynamic in your relationship, to see how much energy and attention are you putting into making an effort in into different areas of your life and with different people. So so that's what we're going to talk about is the different areas, I guess, of where we can get better at balancing our time and our relationships.

Speaker 2: 8:50

All right, so we'll kick it off, and I've got to start with an analogy because I think it just helps to get a little bit of a visual and gets you thinking a little laterally. But I do like gardening and this is an area that I have been neglecting in my life. If you like having a relationship to you know the earth, which I do. So let's just imagine you've got a garden and you've got a herb garden, and you've got fruit trees and you've got a vegetable garden, and then you've got yourself, and so in order for the herb garden, the fruit trees and the veggie garden to flourish and to thrive, you kind of need to look after yourself, because you're the one who cares for them. It's kind of like the analogy with the oxygen mask In order to help somebody else, you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself.

Speaker 2: 9:45

So, when it comes to nurturing your friendships and your connections and deeper connections with other human beings, the very first thing that I would say, or the most important relationship that we can have, is the relationship with ourself. And so let's just start with these categories and we're going to start with the relationship with self. So what do you think about that? Is that something that you prioritize is your, your relationship to yourself yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1: 10:24

I think, um, that I learned that lesson as a new mom, because for many years I wasn't nurturing the relationship with myself and I fell into the trap that everything else was more important than me, and then I created a belief that that was the truth, that everything else was more important than me. So the house, the you, the kids everything else came first, obviously leaving my cup completely empty and feeling sorry for myself. Ultimately it's like poor me. You know, here I am doing everything but no one loves me.

Speaker 2: 10:55

So to empower myself, I needed to change that and I needed to kind of understand the importance of self-care and doing something just for me, to spend time with me and the things that I love to do yeah, yeah, and I remember when you started to do that, I actually sometimes felt a bit of resentment, which just adds to the whole dynamic of when you're in a romantic relationship, because if you're looking after yourself and you're doing your own thing, then does that mean that you don't need me as much.

Speaker 2: 11:31

It's also some jealousy comes into it, but I think overall, once I started to provide time and allocate time just for me this started probably about eight or nine years ago and I really started to dedicate time to me my thoughts about myself started to change and the fact that I was alone with me, I was okay with that. You know, it was more about solitude rather than loneliness all of a sudden. So I changed my experience of being alone. It wasn't being lonely, it was really enjoying that solitude with myself, and that included meditating, journaling, walking on my own just reflect reflection practices and contemplation yeah, yeah, so that's one category is obviously the relationship to self that needs to be looked after first.

Speaker 1: 12:30

Yeah, yeah yeah, cool.

Speaker 2: 12:32

So if you're in a relationship, then the second category that we've we've got here is time as a couple. So of course you're spending time with yourself, but you know you need to. If you're in a romantic relationship, you gotta spend time together. And I say that laughing, but the truth is, most of most of the time, relationships these days are individuals living under the one roof, and that's mostly the dynamic of what we see in our office. There are two people that have lost their way. They kind of don't know who each other are. Yes, there is resentment between each other and they don't spend time together as a couple.

Speaker 1: 13:13

Yeah, absolutely, and I think it's the type of time you know there's low quality time and there's high quality time you know like, because the low quality time you might be, yeah, I'm spending time together. You know that's just the day to day jobs in the house and just, you know, sorting out the kids or getting off to work, and you're still together. We're talking about some focused quality time, whether that's, you know, sitting down and having a cup of tea and a conversation together without the distraction of anything else, or whether it's going out and having a picnic, but that's the time that we're talking about. So, yeah, that's a really important space to dedicate time and energy. So, number one is self, number two is each other.

Speaker 2: 13:59

Yeah, and I think you need to really have some parameters in that time together, because sometimes you can just hang out together but still be on your phone, still not be present with each other, still kind of doing your own thing, but in a collective space. So you know, even speaking about some parameters around what this is and how we're going to do it, because most of the time I think we can fall into unconscious traps, you know, which actually don't necessarily connect each other. And, yeah, you can watch a movie together or something like that, and sometimes that's all you can really muster up if your energy is really low. But that also is a low frequency of connection time because it's not really conversing. You're just really just hanging out next to each other on the couch if you're just watching a movie. So, yeah, just really framing what that is is important.

Speaker 1: 14:56

And the third area of relationship that needs to be nurtured and dedicated space and time to is time as a family. You know, like, again, if you've got kids, if you don't have kids, obviously you don't need to worry about this one. But if you've got kids, then don't have kids, obviously you don't need to worry about this one. But if you've got kids then it's. It's that quality time as a family. You know that's really important to fill that cup of.

Speaker 1: 15:20

I see it as five cups you know, five different cups that all need a little bit of nurturing and watering. Um, so that you know, cup number one is self. Cup number two is, you know, your partner. Cup number three is the family. So it's the same goes. How do we even just half a day or two hours or whatever you've got to dedicate to this space, because I know life's busy and the kids have got this on, they've got that on, but we keep kind of missing each other.

Speaker 2: 15:48

So, yeah, that's a really important uh area to focus on as well yeah, once again, you've got to add a little bit of structuring here for most people, because if you don't, now let's just say you, just say I. On the weekends generally we hang as a family, but you're out whippersnapping all day, um, and you know you're. You're out kind of getting jobs done because they need to get done around the house. Then you're not really spending time with family. You're in the vicinity of them but you're not actually interacting with them. So can you dedicate half a Sunday where you guys just hang out together and maybe you just, you know, book a place to kind of go or maybe just hang out in the lounge room or out in the backyard and get some jobs done together even?

Speaker 1: 16:37

So the fourth cup is time with mutual friends. You know time with friends that you know whether you're both friends with, and that might be going out to barbecues or going to lunch together, something like that, where all of you guys are together and maybe that's with another family as well, and that would be time with mutual friends.

Speaker 2: 17:03

yeah, right, so this is this is important because often your values cross over with your partner and then hence they cross over with your friends and their friends, and so when you're connecting with people that are like-minded, that also gives a real sense of connectedness in yourself as well. So it's a whole nother angle of relationships when you can actually share friendships together with your partner. That's an area where sometimes we'll just skip that or miss it, um, whereas other people are really social, you know, and and they just make a real. It doesn't even have to be an effort, it just sort of happens a bit more effortlessly. But when we're entrenched into our own daily and weekly lives, sometimes we can get into a rut and neglect this area, and this is definitely an area that we would like to get better in, um, definitely in the back end of this year. Just open up to more opportunities, um, especially on weekends, you know, with friends.

Speaker 1: 18:09

I think that's a dying thing, isn't it really like again, like I remember as a kid, mom and dad always used to have friends over, or we'd always be going to their, their house, you know, and, um, there'd be different things on the weekends barbecues or dinners, or, um, you know, we'd be going to the beach with another family even. But I feel like again, this, this separation energy of like that's your family is my family, we're doing our own thing, is kind of creeping in. I don't know if that's just in general, but that's how I feel.

Speaker 1: 18:39

I feel, that there's this real separation because life's busy, you know, everybody seems to be on the hamster wheel busy, busy, busy, busy. And then the weekend comes and they've got no energy for anybody else except exhaustion. And I know that mom and dad were busy too, but it was always time for socialization with, with mutual friends. That was always there. So, yeah, I'm kind of just reflecting on that now because I know we do have good friends and we do catch up, but I don't think it's very often. And I think that to be a good friend and to teach the children how to be good friends and and how to have good relationships with with others, is a really important skill. You know, it's an important thing because we get that they just follow us and they get kind of happy just chilling out at home doing their own thing, and uh, yeah, I think that's something that needs a bit of um intention behind it.

Speaker 2: 19:36

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So planting that seed for us right now, in this moment, that we're, you know, looking to, yeah, help foster more of that connectedness with our friends, which we have a lot of good, close, solid friends, but again, if you don't make the time to connect with them, then it's just not going to happen.

Speaker 1: 19:59

So and that's important part of filling up that cup of connection and relationships. You know, because I think sometimes that's all out of balance. You know, like you and you're the you're my most important thing and I'm just going to focus everything on you and I'm and it's almost toxic, it's like, becomes too much like. If it's um a new relationship in particular, then you'll probably find every like. Everything else drops away and it's not important. But to have this healthy balance, to find um that that space within you that feels fulfilled without you know neglecting anything, is, is where all relationships are important. They're just as important as each other, not just this one that we're fostering. You know, if it's a new relationship or or even if you're kind of refocusing on your relationship yourselves, yeah, beautifully said, the final cup, the fifth cup is time with your friends.

Speaker 2: 21:01

So this is different from mutual friends. So I've got my friends, amy's got hers. They don't necessarily all hang out together. So it's super important to have your own friendship circles or groups, even if it's just one friend, you know, just a good friend that you can possibly have some banter with, maybe share some emotional connection with, maybe just venting about just the crappy week that you've had. Because if we're leaning on our romantic partner for everything, including emotional connection, and maybe we're getting home and we're venting and also for humor, then perhaps that's a bit too much or heavily weighted towards them and the pressure might be a little bit too much. So sometimes it's good to balance it out and to have to lean on others, to lean on other humans and to, in a reciprocal way, receive you know from others as well and be able to hold the space for them yeah, absolutely, to be a good friend is actually quite challenging.

Speaker 1: 22:08

I've listened to that podcast of the day.

Speaker 2: 22:10

Hey, that was talking about that weren't they?

Speaker 1: 22:12

but yeah, I think, um, it's an art. It's an art to be a good friend. You know, how can you really be there, you know, for another person when they're most in need? Because it's a bit of a selfless act and I, I, to be honest, sometimes I find myself that I would do anything for my friends, but I find myself even in that space of like I'm too busy, I'm too tired, I'm too exhausted, but it's like, yeah, it's, it's that conscious awareness of what it means and I think we drop into, just going back to this relationship, like the romantic relationship, it I it's.

Speaker 1: 22:49

It's an important part to recognize the codependency that sometimes you can foster within romantic relationships. You can almost become too dependent on each other, um, and I don't need anything else, I've just got you and you've just got me, and if you've got family and kids, then that becomes kind of part of that codependency. Then nothing else matters. But, yeah, I feel like to. We're all about thriving relationships, and to have thriving relationships includes all areas of relationships, not just this, this little network, and I think a lot of couples and clients that we've worked with in the past, yeah, there's one partner or both partners.

Speaker 1: 23:29

They're actually I don't really have many friends, I just don't, I don't I don't really socialize, I don't really like getting on with other people, but I think there's a part of that human desire or human instinct to connect with different people that make you feel more alive and make you feel more um balanced and more you yeah, expressed you yeah.

Speaker 2: 23:53

So just on that, because this is the last category just right now, just think of the top three influences in your life currently and we're talking about just friends and people that you're closely connected with. Do they improve your energy as in, lift you up and help you to feel better in yourself, or do they actually take away from your life force, energy inside? Do they actually detract, you know, from your best, most optimal place to sit in? And it's worth doing that, because sometimes the people that we're friends with are not necessarily healthy for us absolutely.

Speaker 1: 24:39

yeah, it's a good reflection because it's often also reciprocated on the the relationship you have with your partner, because if your friends are toxic and your relationship potentially is toxic, then that feeds that, because that feeds that separation of distancing between the two of you. So just be aware and conscious of the type of environment that you're in and the environment that is influencing you and who you are and how you show up. And if that doesn't feel in alignment with your true self, then maybe, looking at some questions of, might be time to explore new friendship groups. Get out there and meet new people and see if there is people who are more in alignment with you and your goals and your values.

Speaker 2: 25:24

So let's just reflect on the top five cups that we put together for you, because so many people in this world are experiencing loneliness and isolation, even if they're in relationships. So let's go through the five categories. Number one is always connection with self. Yeah, so time with self for reflection, contemplation. That could be any modality, it could just be just being. The second one is time as a couple. So time together with your romantic partner, actually dedicated devices away, just so that you can develop and water your intimacy. Third one is time as a family Wholesome time away from technology if possible. The fourth one is time with mutual friends, where you have shared friends together, actually experiencing that connectedness with other families or other people. And the fifth one is time with your own friends for connection in a different way.

Speaker 2: 26:29

So, hopefully you've got something out of those categories. What I challenge you to do is to have a look at which areas you're neglecting and which areas you're doing mighty fine. In which areas are you actually kind of naturally dropping into without even thinking of it? Because the areas that you're neglecting that are likely to be contributing to some level of suffering in your life?

Speaker 1: 26:53

Unhappiness, yeah, level of suffering in your life. On happiness, yeah, yeah, and I think you know, just reflecting there of like oh, that there's potential for all of these areas to be triggers for some couples. You know that they, you know there could be um different triggers in jealousy issues, triggers in um you know differences in who their friendship groups, and there's a lot that could cause disruption and um friction in this area, so if that is you and you're struggling to kind of like I can't.

Speaker 1: 27:27

There's no way that I could potentially do that like if I, my wife doesn't trust me to go and hang out with my mates because of an incident or something. So it there's obviously work or attention needed in the relationship to heal that pain or that suffering. So that's obviously where we can come in and help to get to that, because true thriving in a relationship and true happiness in the self is. We believe it's important to have a balance in all of those different areas that we talked about, all those different relationships.

Speaker 2: 28:00

Beautiful. Thank you so much for listening and thanks again for all your wonderful comments, and we run these every fortnight. So if you haven't subscribed, make sure you subscribe. Check us out on Instagram it's Michael and Amy, or Thri or thriving relationships podcast and um. Add us on facebook. Um, we do share a lot of content and we look forward to sharing a lot more with you and, with all that being said, we'll catch you on the next episode thanks guys.