How to Navigate Parenting Differences and Managing "Meltdowns": A Conversation with Jess Arachchi - Family Dynamic Specialist

Have you ever wondered how your childhood experiences shape your approach to parenting? Join us for a heartfelt conversation with Jess Arachchi, the inspiring founder and CEO of the Happy Home Network. Jess shares her powerful story of overcoming a tumultuous childhood marked by her father's addiction and her mother's mental health struggles. Through her journey, Jess discovered the profound impact of parents' emotional well-being on their children's development and happiness. Tune in to hear her insights on creating safe and supportive home environments through understanding and regulating the nervous system.

In our discussion, we dive into the often-overlooked emotional dynamics within families, revealing how children can sense and react to their parents' emotional states. Jess addresses the common challenges parents face, such as communication breakdowns and conflicting parenting styles. She emphasizes the importance of teamwork and mutual support in maintaining a harmonious family environment. Learn how to navigate these issues by appreciating the strengths of both nurturing and boundary-focused approaches and fostering better communication and cooperation between partners.

Jess also sheds light on the delicate balance of masculine and feminine qualities in parenting, advocating for a more fluid approach where both parents can embody nurturing and disciplinary traits. Discover practical strategies for self-regulation and improving your responses to support your child's emotional needs. Finally, Jess introduces the Happy Home Immersion program and other valuable resources designed to help parents thrive. Don't miss out on this transformative conversation that offers tools and knowledge to enhance your parenting journey.

Free program Jess mentioned (Calm Kids Kickstarter) https://mailchi.mp/d29821f7916c/xvcy1q46rt 

Free Resource page on website: https://www.jessarachchi.com/free-resources/

Instagram: @jess.arachchi 

Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.

Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/

Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/

Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge

If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

With a profound passion for understanding child behavior and family dynamics, jess Arachi has dedicated over a decade of her life to creating harmonious and supportive home environments. Having personally experienced the detrimental effects of anxiety, depression and parent addiction within her own childhood environment, jess empathizes deeply with the growing number of distressed families around the world facing the same sorts of challenges. As a founder and CEO of groundbreaking movement, the Happy Home Network, jessica equips parents with indispensable tools, confidence and knowledge. Jess vibes on our frequency, with understanding the big emphasis on the nervous system regulation in our close relationships, whether that be with our kids or our romantic partners. So make sure you stay until the end for a powerful strategy that might change the whole experience you're having in the family dynamic. Whether you're a parent already or gearing up for parenthood, you'll grab loads from this chat. Enjoy the podcast.

Speaker 2: 1:14

We're Michael and Amy, your Couples Connection Coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 1: 1:40

Jess Sirachi, welcome to the podcast. It's so lovely to have you on today. Can you give us a little background on, maybe, how you've got into the amazing genius work that you're into now and what inspired you to get into this?

Speaker 3: 1:59

Sure, hello, it's so good to be with you both, michael and Amy, and hi to everyone who's listening. So it seems like such a long time ago where I start this journey, but it's fundamental to why I do the work that I do and it's so important because it's created the person that I am. So the whole reason, you know, I remember when I was 13, 14, and I would tell my parents I'm becoming a social worker, that is what I'm going to do for my whole life, and they tried for many, many years to talk me out of it. They said that you'll be seeing and hearing things that are not good for you. That's going to impact your own life and your own mental health and it's going to burn you out, and they hated the idea so much. But there was just something within me that knew that was my path forward, something in that realm, and you know the whole reason it's. You know it's kind of a classic case. I wanted to become a social worker to you know. You know bunny ears, save, save all the children, save all the families that felt the way that I did when I was young and had a family world that felt like I did when I was young, I wanted kids to feel a lot more safe and secure and connected than I did.

Speaker 3: 3:17

When I was young. You know, we were, you know, blessed for a few years. My, we, we were, you know, blessed for a few years. And then dad, um, you know, dad, dad had a few things that he struggled with internally and for himself in his world. Um, and there there was a lot of addiction stuff that came through as I started to get a bit older, around seven, eight. So our world basically turned upside down from there and, um, there was a lot of gambling and we went bankrupt and we lost everything. You know, we lost all our cars, our homes, our businesses, lost everything. And I would wake up to mum and dad, you know, at 2am just arguing about that. Right, mum was trying to keep the ship on course, she was trying to help dad but make sure our lives were going to be okay. And from there dad became an alcoholic. So there was alcoholism in our world and so, as the eldest, I really was the person, the child, who was trying to keep her family happy and okay, and that's really how my mindset was created.

Speaker 3: 4:22

From there to looking back as an adult and having done this work and understanding how parent-child relationships progress, how they work, how they develop, how children's minds develop, I can really see, you know, my mind was so focused and geared towards human behavior. You know my parents' psychology. That's what I was obsessed with. I was from a very young age trying to work out how do I make my mom and dad really happy? How do I get them happy? How do I then feel happy and safe? Because there was a lot of unpredictable things that happened in our world from that time. So from the outset I was obsessed with human psychology and I believe that that then infiltrated into what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

Speaker 3: 5:14

Just how do I help children feel safe and happy and secure in their homes? How do I help parents understand their happiness, their joy, their sense of fulfillment and understanding that if they're in survival mode the entire time, it's having an impact on their kids? And that's what I experienced. My mom was in survival mode. She was anxious and depressed for many years and she would be in a room crying and just lost, lost really often. And so I really then my big mission is to have parents see that they really hold the gift to everything they hold, the answers to their children feeling safe and loved and secure and and the the joy that they feel for the rest of their lives and how they deal with emotions and how they learn about the world and understand themselves. So I guess that was yeah, that's the inspiration and the guidance of where my passion for the work that I do comes from. That's part of my personal journey and it's never really stopped. It's just, you know, weaved as I've grown and I've understood more about myself and the impact that that environment had on me and relationships.

Speaker 3: 6:34

And do I want to become a mum? Do I not want to become a mum? I didn't want to become a mum because I saw that parenthood is what made my parents really unhappy. It wasn't parenthood, but I saw that that's is what made my parents really unhappy. It wasn't parenthood, but I saw that that's what it was as a child. So there's a lot of things that I've had to unpack in order to have the family life that I do now in a marriage that is healthy, because I was in a very unhealthy relationship for a long time. So I had a lot to learn and a lot to unpack long time, um, so I had a lot to learn and a lot to unpack. So I guess I'm trying to, yeah, reduce those years for for other children and growing adults and parents amazing.

Speaker 2: 7:14

Yeah, there's so many parts of that I want to pull apart as well. But I firstly want to congratulate and honor you for taking that like, I guess, the turmoil that you experienced in in your childhood and and bringing it into your passion now, and what you can, taking that like, I guess, the turmoil that you experienced in your childhood and bringing it into your passion now and what you can kind of, I guess, live through you know, through people, other people as well, and help them to overcome what you experienced as a child too. So, yeah, true honour. But yeah, I think firstly I'd love to kind of you mentioned a little bit there about you know, relationships and how important you know the family dynamic and the relationships are between the like the mum and dad or the husband and wife, and can you, can you, tell me a little bit more about what you see there and why is that important?

Speaker 3: 7:59

yeah, sure, um, so I'll share about what I see, but what you know, the reason why it's so important. So we've, you know, when parents, parents hold, you know they hold space and energy for the home. It's undeniable that their relationship is really the foundation and the pillars of the home and children. It doesn't matter what parents say. Parents can say words like where you know everything is okay, we're happy, we're okay. Children know God. Children know they energetically feel everything and they may not verbally be able to express mommy, I know you're lying, daddy, I know that's not true, but can feel it.

Speaker 3: 8:44

And you know what is the goal of every child? The goal of every child is to feel safe in their home. And when they feel safe in their home, it's usually because mum and dad are feeling really, you know, pretty good within themselves and collectively as a team. That's the foundation. So. So children will do, and hence my background, and this is what a lot of adults you know tell me that they experience in their childhood. Children often will become the saviours of their parents. It's, you know, psychologically and biologically ingrained to do that because of the safety they feel when their parents are happy and together and connected and everything is okay. So they're going to do whatever it takes to get themselves back to that feeling, that vibration, that energy, um, that nervous system state of feeling safe. So that's that's why children will, will want to be there, and what I see with parents, um, is, you know, we always start these conversations off superficially right. If I'm speaking to parents, it's the children are experiencing this, I'm seeing this behavior. They're angry, they're not focused, they're upset. And you know, when we dig a little deeper and a lot deeper in some cases, we often get to a space where the only thing that we're talking about is how you feel within yourself individually, and then how is the partnership collectively? It's always the space we get to, and I always, often, have to have conversations around. How is it? How do you communicate? What do your children see? What do they hear? What do they feel in your presence as a couple and individually? Um, and if that's not right, if that's not right, it's going to show. It can't not? It's like this. It's like this irritation of the nervous system. It's and a lot of you can't see me, but I'm shaking my hands. It's this irritation, it's this bubbling effect and it will erupt somehow. It will show somewhere.

Speaker 3: 10:49

So, whether or not that's complete disagreement in parenting views, I often see that dads will have a certain view and mums will have a certain view. So, for example, because I work with a lot of parents who have children that have been given a diagnosis or given a label it's interesting, I'd say nine times out of 10, dads will often say that's rubbish, they're just being a kid, they're just doing their thing. And mums will say no, there's more to it. No, there's something more we need to find out. Now I'm not advocating for one or the other. I do believe that both serve a purpose. Both views have a purpose in the arena. But so that's the views are.

Speaker 3: 11:31

It causes a lot of conflict and then they feel like they're on opposite teams and then they feel like they're working against each other. And then and then mom says something in front of the kids that you know has dad seen in a bad way and vice versa. And when you know in your partnership, if you feel like you're against each other, the other partner is against you. It just builds the resentment, it builds the disharmony and we've just got connection. You know it's not happening, it's all over the place, and then communication fails and so it's.

Speaker 3: 12:07

That's mainly what I see in terms of parenting and the relationship. And then a lot of the times, too, it's we're so busy, we just don't have time for each other. That comes through a lot, and I've just had a client share that with me even yesterday. So you know the schedules, the busy schedules, the, the bedtime routine, and then we get to bed and we're just so tired, we're exhausted, we don't have time for each other. So there's a lot of that too is well, what do you want? What do you actually want? What do you want the future to look like with your husband, your wife, because your choices right now are actually dictating what reality you see. So then we need to go into well, you know, what are you choosing for your relationship, and we have to unpack. Usually, there's a lot of belief systems there and a lot of choices that are serving a belief system that's negative. You know, there's a lot of work that we usually do there, but that's mostly what I see, amy, when mums come to me and then sometimes dads will join.

Speaker 1: 13:13

Yeah thanks, jess. Yeah, thank you, and it's a hot topic for us and the couples that we work with is parenting style differences, and you've just given an insight into an example of, maybe, where there would be a difference of opinion of how this really is and how we're going to manage this or not manage this, and so I can see what you're saying in how that can deconstruct any form of teamwork and there can be an undertone of maybe some sort of hierarchical, you know piece where maybe one knows more because they've read a book or maybe they've listened to a podcast and you really should be on this, you know, on this side and that causes more divide and more friction and more defensiveness, right? So you know, for us this is a tricky one because we're not parenting experts and that's definitely not what we go into of each parent and what that opinion is based upon and how they feel. When you undermine me in front of the kids and you know what's really happening in that space at an emotional level, I'm wondering if maybe you can speak into the differences in parenting styles, and you know I mean, for example, I guess we have sometimes the man and his masculine framework is more of a hardline approach.

Speaker 1: 14:55

It's more of a, you know there's certain barriers and they should just be this certain way and and and maybe there's an idea around, our child just shouldn't be behaving this way and and you know, there's kind of these barriers and boundaries that are in place and then you've got the other side, you know, which is normally the woman, who is the nurturer and wants to bring the feminine energy and that openness into the relationship and that, that, that real deep loving side, so that we can be approachable. What's the right way to do this like? How do we look?

Speaker 3: 15:33

at this, yeah, um, and I think, uh, first and foremost, the beautiful aspect of this is that there is no right way, so that. So that's the gift in all of this, and you're so right, michael, in that you will listen to a podcast and you'll read a book and they will say one framework, and I've done this. I haven't done it in the parenting sphere, and I know that those challenges will come up with my husband, no doubt. Right, I'm in this world, I'm speaking to hundreds of parents all the time and I'm obsessed with this and I've been in it for about 12 years. I know these conversations are coming and I know they've already started. They've already started for me.

Speaker 3: 16:17

So, and I think the danger is, the danger is that and this is the information realm that we're in you're always going to find an approach that serves the opposite way too. So, for all parents out there, it's it's really making sure that they're making sure that you understand there is no right way. There's no perfect way. Your husband's not necessarily wrong and you're not necessarily right or wrong, and vice versa. That's not how this works. So I will say that the common thing that I do here and it's mainly from mums, because I mainly do work with mums, um, and if I worked with dads, I would get a different, a different approach. However, I do feel like we do have some common themes with mums and dads, men, women so usually for mums, it is like what you were explaining, michael, is that masculine, that hard boundary. You know, men know where the boundary is and what they will and won't accept, and they'll really budge on it. Mum has flexible boundaries. Okay, we can. We can love and hate those things about ourselves too, by the way. So mums will often love and hate that about themselves. Dads will often love and hate that about themselves too, because we will often get criticized for those ways of being inside and outside of parenthood as well.

Speaker 3: 17:47

I was just you, you know my husband, yesterday I was meant to put something in my calendar and I didn't check the time in the email and he's like Jess, this shows up a lot the lap. You know that you don't really your attention to detail. It's not there, and so these things. And I'm like, yeah, I know that, but I'm also not going to make myself wrong for it, because it's not in my nature and I'm not going to try and force something upon myself to make myself, hate myself, all of the things, right? So there they are, things that we will love and hate about ourselves, but it's when it's when we get into what you were saying about.

Speaker 3: 18:21

Well, I, you're wrong with that way of being, and often and often, mums will say that that's wrong because it's. I'm terrified of what you're doing to my child, right, our child. I'm terrified of what this is going to create. It's always a fear around what is this going to do for our child and her or his future. So that's the beauty of it. Okay, it's beautiful, it's wonderful.

Speaker 3: 18:46

But where it doesn't serve us is we've gone from very much an authoritative way of parenting and family life. Okay, probably in, yeah, our parents, but more our grandparents, right, I'd say about one to two or three generations ago. Now we've got all of these adults and parents that give verbal language to what that created, they can verbally express, and I work with these parents and we go into well, my dad did this and my mom did this and didn't do this, so I'm not going to be that way with my children. Right, we've given verbal language to that experience now, and we're in the age of information. It's not just this woman telling her girlfriend at a coffee shop anymore, or a family get together on a sunday, it's, I'm going to put it on instagram and show the world. And then we collect these people along the way, right? So our views get momentum and they get drive.

Speaker 3: 19:42

So we've we've now flipped the pendulum to the other side and we have these realms of peaceful parenting, of, um, you know, nurtured parenting, peaceful parenting is a huge one, right, um? And I get asked about that all the time. So we flipped the switch and we've gone more into, well, the feminine way of parenting is the way to go. So then we don't have all this trauma from the authoritative way of parenting. So, because we've got all these books and we've got these podcasts and we've got these professionals that speak this language, then we've got mums who have the information behind them saying well, see this, you are wrong, dad. Like, we have the knowledge now. It's that back then, in the 1960s, we didn't have the knowledge, okay, so then we've got all this. Well, I'm right, you're wrong.

Speaker 3: 20:31

And I'm telling you now that, from all of the families that I work with, this way of parenting does not mean less impact negatively. There's still a lot of impact here, and so what we see on this side of the equation is we see a lot more. We see a lot more anxiety and a lot more uncertainty within children because we've got so much flexibility and we've got so much focus on emotions. And I need to prevent it or I need to stop it. There's this narrative that I need to make sure my child can self-regulate really quickly, really early in life. So I need to be there for every emotion. I need to, I need to protect them from every emotion. Or I need to stop it or I need. You know, there's this whole world out there and parents are confused, and you know, no doubt. So we've got we've got a rise in anxiety, a rise in uncertainty, and this doesn't necessarily create more safety in a child's nervous system. So often what I'm doing with parents is I'm figuring out. Now, balance is a myth and I'm not advocating for balance, because we'll never have it 100%. However, when we're sticking to the extremes of any approach, then we're also missing the mark.

Speaker 3: 21:50

So what's in the middle here? What's in the middle here is that we have a scenario where mum understands that big emotions and meltdowns are actually healthy and okay for children. It's all right. It doesn't mean that you're doing the wrong thing. It doesn't mean that you're a bad mum. It doesn't mean that you're doing the wrong thing. It doesn't mean that you're a bad mom. It doesn't mean that you're not nurturing your child enough.

Speaker 3: 22:12

Childhood is actually a training ground and you get to be the guide you both do and we get to be that rock of. I'm going to sit next to you with this emotion, not I'm going to take on this emotion and stop it every time. Okay, there's a really big difference. The nervous system requires learning, it requires repetition through emotions, and that's how they learn for adulthood. So we've got you know, let's sit beside you. And then we've also got dad who comes in and realizes well, my boundaries are important, my boundaries do create safety, and I'm going to be self-aware enough to know sometimes I might be, I might take things a little too far, sometimes I might not meet my child where they're at. I'm going to think about that. But he has an appreciation for those boundaries anyway. He knows he's not wrong or right, and so does mum, so they can mold together.

Speaker 3: 23:09

But like what you were saying, michael, it's like it's the communication around it. So I butt in as well, because I know I'm just talking here but I know, with my husband, I mean my daughter's six and a half months old and I can, I can feel it right, I can feel it in my body. What happened the other day. Oh, she's just being a baby, right, and you know, and my husband and my husband's like Amelia, you know, amelia, come on, you know, and I'm like she can't understand you, but he's in, like I get it, he's my mind, he sees a solution or he just wants it to change and it's like change now. And I'm like this is just the beginning, like this is is just the beginning. So I've been a very because my past relationship was such an epic failure. Okay, and failure, you know what I mean, it's not.

Speaker 1: 24:00

I learnt a lot and it was meant to be yeah.

Speaker 3: 24:05

My communication was so poor and it was so horrible. I made everything out to be his fault. My language was disgraceful. It really was looking back.

Speaker 3: 24:19

And when I got into this relationship with Chas, I made a promise to myself and the relationship that I wanted that I was so committed to making sure my communication wasn't blameworthy, I wasn't being critical and putting him down like I'm better you're. You know I was so committed and and I know, being a parent, this is going to come with a new level of learning. This is, this is the gift now. So that critical communication and that I'm better than you from both sides is a practice, because we are so quick to see the other party as the ones who are doing it wrong. And if I can share just one story, I was working with a couple very tumultuous relationship because it was always around the parenting stuff, and what I did was I got them to debate for the other side of the team. So I asked them. I said okay. I said okay, so, and so let's say Josh, josh, I want you to. We're having a debate now. You're the debate team for the other side. For mum, why is her approach better than any other approach out there and vice versa. Okay, this was difficult, very difficult, um, but in the end they got to a really great place where mum was able to see and it was so beautiful how she said it. She said and she realized I can actually see how josh I've changed the names Josh's strong boundaries and unwillingness to shift from those boundaries creates certainty for our children and what it actually does also for a nervous system that's bubbling and bubbling and bubbling.

Speaker 3: 26:23

It gives that nervous system a strong wall to then erupt and just get it out, move that energy, get it out of their nervous system. This is the gift of a boundary. When we have these flexible walls, children don't know if they're coming or going sometimes, right? So that's the gift of the masculine. And then what dad was able to realize from mom's perspective was well, I can really see how that perspective is giving love and nurturing and connection to our children, which is what they need for their future. And it's actually not her being soft. There's this element that dads can have this view or you're babying them too much, you're being too soft on our kids, right? That's the language that I hear a lot. So there was this really beautiful realisation of the benefit, because you can get really stuck in why it's wrong. So anyway, I felt like they really verbalised it beautifully when they were going through the process.

Speaker 1: 27:27

It beautifully when they were going through the process. I love that, because you weren't bringing your you know, like your evidence from your studies, your research, and saying, look, guys, like this is really the way you should be doing it and actually running them through some sort of learning or lesson, and rather what you're doing is getting them to look at the shadow side of how they operate, and I think that that shadow side is really I mean, that to me is a super difficult challenge. Firstly, to relinquish your own perspective, which is often the trouble that we have with couples. That's the first step. Right is to look at it through the lens of their eyes for a moment and you know when you yeah, to help to validate that experience, but you're actually getting them to bat for the other team. Like that is so powerful and actually gives great ideas and insights into maybe how we could facilitate that.

Speaker 2: 28:31

Sometimes, if need be, for us as well, I'll say yeah, I can see how that's, that's really powerful yeah, 100, and I think it's important to kind of notice that we, we all do have our our own upbringings and our own ways, that we we saw our parents, parents as as well, so that all you know, and I guess the society conditions us to think that mum's the nurturer and the gentle one that you go to and dad's the disciplinary.

Speaker 2: 28:58

But again, it's kind of I like to kind of, you know, maybe question those frameworks as well and why. You know, why does it have to be like that? I mean, I guess, yes, it is the feminine and masculine quality. But, yeah, where does that kind of stop and start? Because I notice, even in our relationship, you know, michael can have that feminine quality of the nurturer and the one that they go to, and I can have that quality of the masculine, no, mum says this you know, so we can kind of dance with that a little bit in a relationship too, so I think there's yeah there's a bit of a play with with being able to kind of test that out.

Speaker 3: 29:36

How can we yeah, we work this, you know yeah, yeah, yeah, you're so right, amy, and I yeah, I do apologize a lot of my language there was around, it being the traditional sense and and, and maybe that's just because they're the client that, just because they're the client, that is because they're the clients that I've attracted, somehow, right. But I do agree with you. I mean we do have both and we need to have both. Um, and you're right, you know, the different qualities come out at different times and and I wonder, and in your experience, I wonder too if that's when you've it's being, it's it's required in those moments where, in the partnership, it's it's that that's needed and maybe the other person doesn't have the capacity in that moment.

Speaker 3: 30:16

Or, you know, I know for me if, if I am so exhausted and I don't have any empathy left or sympathy left, if I've had those sleepless nights and I am, I know that I'm out, I I'm just I can't do it anymore, and then the nurturing side does come out of my husband and it's you know, there can be a lot of that too it's, it's when, when I'm not there, then I've got a partner that can really take on that, that role that's required in that moment, which is super special yeah, 100% no you're definitely right, though that is the normal thing that we see in in with the couples that we work as well, but it's just nice to to remember that a healthy, thriving relationship can have both at play and ultimately for the safety of that child.

Speaker 2: 31:02

The balance is really well. Like you said, there's balance is a myth, but you know that that dance between the two is really important for that, that child to experience both of those qualities, so then they can embody those qualities in themselves as well and it's not just I'm a woman, like I'm a girl, I'm just gonna be that nurturer that soft gentleman, you know.

Speaker 2: 31:23

So, yeah, I think that's um, yeah, just something to reflect on as a as a quality of a relationship. A healthy relationship is to have both of them the softness and the discipline which requires teamwork.

Speaker 1: 31:42

It requires you know the ability to see the side of you that you know maybe can come into question for sure, like maybe I'm not doing this, you know the best way or maybe you have some other insight.

Speaker 1: 31:52

um, but from our perspective, we see a lot of and you've mentioned it a couple of times our nervous systems and I guess, to put this into perspective, we have some practices and some ways in which we can help our couples become better, in tune with with their nervous system, so that they can respond a little bit better or maybe take some time before they act, you know, so that they're not a slave to their reactions. I, I wanted to ask you, jess around the parenting space and and actually just open it up in general, just with children Are there some strategies or some tools or some ways in which the listeners can really tune in or take away, you know, to actually get better?

Speaker 3: 32:41

within. The response.

Speaker 1: 32:43

You know a healthy response in those times.

Speaker 3: 32:46

Yeah, yeah, this is such a huge topic and I have to say, yeah, it's the biggest thing that's changed my entire life is understanding and connecting with my nervous system intimately and I mean an intimate relationship with my nervous system and I've actually got some processes and things that I'm happy to share a link with you to put with the podcast. It'll take parents in a way to do it with their children and then also themselves too, so I'm happy I'll share that with you. Um. So when it comes to I speak a lot about parenting the nervous system, um, and I created this because I was seeing a lot of um parents stuck in parenting the behaviour, but also being guided to do that too and a lot of this world is around speaking about self-regulation. So when you come from a background like mine and you're in meetings with all types of professionals and writing reports and everything, you just speak about self-regulation like it's, you know, I don'tregulation. Like it's, you know, I don't know like it's air and I just found that none of this was leading to positive outcomes in everyday life for children and their parents, and so I really went on this huge journey. It always starts with self right. I went on this journey with myself and then realised the power of the nervous system. And then I realized, well, if, if my nervous system is impacting my behaviors, uh, then maybe that's where we start and meet children where they're at too. So, from a from a parenting perspective, we and it's so simple that it just seems a bit bizarre. You know, the beginning of parenting, the nervous system is so simple and it has parents realise that they don't need to have all of the answers to, which is the coolest part out of all. It's so awesome Because if and I'm sure you know you both probably have experiences in it If and I'm sure you know you both probably have experiences in it, and I know every you know you do when your child is melting down or when there's chaos around you, you want to talk your way through it. When you want to talk, you want to use logic, you want to have them see this and see this, but remember this from yesterday. And then, yeah, but your brother didn't say this like this. And then, yeah, but I didn't look at you like that, or. But then you know this didn't happen. And then you got your car last week it wasn't even there this week Like, there's so much logic and there's so much we want to bring into it using verbal language.

Speaker 3: 35:26

And so when we have a nervous system that is entirely driven in those moments and it is driven by the emotion centre of the brain, then we know that logic and language is not helpful. Okay, it's just not, it's not going to cut it. And when we have a nervous system where an outside force is trying to have us access a part of our brain, that's not there. So the logic center, the frontal cortex, but when we have an outside force trying to get us to do that, a nervous system is not safe. Our nervous system feels overwhelmed and it feels like, um, I'm not understood, I'm not seen, nobody cares about me, I'm all alone. That's what it feels and it's never going to calm when it's feel, when it feels that from the external force and the external force is, you know, usually our parents. So when we feel like that, we have a little nervous system in front of us that is going to continue fighting for their cause, and their cause in the moment could be so dumb, right, I know parents, I know sometimes there's no logic a lot of the time, okay, but they will continue fighting for their cause, and fighting for their cause usually means escalating even further. And escalating even further and screaming a little louder and punching a little harder with their brother or sister maybe, or the wall, or throwing something right, their nervous system will fight for what they are not being seen in. That's really important to understand.

Speaker 3: 36:56

So then, what do we do? Do? Well, it's really bloody easy. So if we want to parent the nervous system one we remove language in the moment, okay, remove the logic, remove the language, remove the communication style that's having our child feel like they need to access the frontal cortex. Remove it. No, language is gone, it's not going to help in any way. Um, our and you know what happens usually in that language is we use what I call persuasive language. So persuasive language is yeah, but, or yeah, but have you considered? Yeah, but did you think about this? So persuasive language, I mean it like it's telling that child you're an idiot, I don't, you don't know what, you know, you're an idiot, this is stupid, you're wrong, you're wrong. And again, we're just having the nervous system feel like, well, mom doesn't get me, dad doesn't understand what I'm talking about, I'm gonna fight, I gotta fight more. So if we are going to say a little sentence, okay, just make sure it's not persuasive language. We want to and it's not a teachable moment. So we want the nervous system to feel seen, heard and understood. That's when the nervous system will calm. That is the only way I mean you think about it.

Speaker 3: 38:15

I know in my relationship, I'm speaking to a friend, my mum Chas, if I'm expressing something out of emotion, and he comes back to me with, yeah, but I don't think you should worry about that right now. Um, or yeah, but that didn't worry you last week. So I just don't think it's a big deal. You shouldn't really worry about that right now. You know better, right, you know that it's going to be okay. It's like Jesus Christ, I need to get this out right. So, even as adults, we need to get it out and we need to be understood. So, straight away, even if I know he's right, I'm going to fight for my cause. I'm going to fight for that emotion because my nervous system doesn't feel seen, heard and understood.

Speaker 3: 39:05

So we remove any persuasive language and then we simply get curious. That's where we feel seen, that's where we feel heard. And and you know, it's so fascinating when I give these three, just little tips and tricks to parents. They are so challenged by it, especially the no talking, especially the no talking. I've had many parents, but one comes to mind because I've worked with her for a while and she's like Jess, that's the hardest thing you've ever told me to do, it is the most challenging. While and she's like Jess, that's the hardest thing you've ever told me to do, it is the most challenging. So you know the goal. The goal is to just have that nervous nervous system feel, seen, heard and understood. So get curious. Get so curious like you don't know anything about this child, like you didn't know who they were yesterday. Get curious, um, and that's how we can parent the nervous system. And, and the biggest thing is, is that we in in this whole process.

Speaker 3: 40:01

The beauty of it is is that we are not trying to remove the emotion, change the emotion, have it seen, right, wrong or otherwise, which means we are simply there to experience with them, which is what I was explaining in the beginning, and that means the child's just learning. That means there's space to learn when there's no judgment for an external, from an external force our parents then the child's just there with their emotion, with the feeling in their body and moving through it. That's all that's left and that's the learning. That's actually what's required for adulthood, because, like you both, I'm sure, what do you spend most of your time trying to figure out? Well, all this body stuff, all this emotion stuff, how do I not get lost in the emotions? How do I move through it quicker? Right, that's the learning we do in our adulthood.

Speaker 3: 40:53

So let's support our kids to get there a little quicker, if we can, and start that learning when we're young. So remove the judgment, then we have space for learning. For that child it's a teachable moment. Do it later, okay, I get it. Like rocks at kids' heads is not a good idea. I get it, but have the teachable moment at another time. So then that nervous system can calm a whole lot quicker, which is what parents, you know, crave most of the time anyway. Um, and then there's a you know there's a separate element which is probably another tangent but then the nervous system of us as the parents, as us as adults, um, and that's been the greatest journey of my life to date. So, yeah, but they're just some quick, quick things just to tap into the nervous system of your kids quickly and you don't need to read a textbook on it yeah, and you know what.

Speaker 1: 41:47

Like you say, oh, they're little things or they're little strategies or tips. They are massive, like the majority of, I think, relational work is around this exact point that you're talking about, which is that we try to argue our point at a time where we're heightened, you know, and we're out of that part of our brain, we're checked out. There ain't no blood flow to my logical thinking. Right now, I'm not able to see you and where you're coming from and maybe I'll be open to that suggestion.

Speaker 1: 42:20

You know that maybe I was wrong there like it just isn't even a possible in those moments, and the and that word, it's not a teachable moment. I reckon I'm gonna write that on my wall somewhere and it's going to be helpful for me, even with my parents, because we still fall into the trap of you know, oh, you, you really should. You should consider this. And I think even yesterday, you know, we were going through this with our son and trying to encourage him to do this tennis tournament and I mean he's 11 but even still like he's saying no, I don't want to, I don't really want to do it. Oh, but you really should Like. Wouldn't it be great that you can kind of, you know, get into healthy competition with your mates and come on, I don't understand why you wouldn't Like. You know you like hitting the ball and that again, it's the persuasive.

Speaker 3: 43:12

Yeah, the persuasive language, and it's coming from love. Right, it's coming from a place of love. So there's no disputing that. There's no disputing that, but the persuasive language. In that emotional moment there was no space to share. What exactly? What's he fearful of? What's the fear? What is he scared of? Is it other people's views of him? Is he not feeling confident? Is he you know? What is it in that world? So you know, yeah. So, parents, we know it's coming from love, but it's, and we do you just fall into the trap yeah yeah, I.

Speaker 2: 43:47

Want to say that there's such. You know it's. It's exact same in relationships, right like you know, couples, you know yeah, like you know most of our sessions that we work with um couples on is all about trying to understand each other better. You know, and and completely the same thing. You know, if we can actually validate and sit with that person and understand their experience, it can change. It can change the dynamic completely. But we don't like you said, oh, you should, you should see it my way.

Speaker 2: 44:16

But look at this and like yeah, it's, it's so similar and I love that if we're introducing that to our children at an early age. And this is why I guess I get passionate about the work that we do, because we obviously see the the benefit for the couple but we also see it reciprocated in the children, right? Because?

Speaker 3: 44:33

like you said, to have a happy home.

Speaker 2: 44:35

You need happy parents. But if we can teach that to the children now, like through our parenting, then they're going to have that skill forever you know they're going to have it when they're in a romantic relationship or any relationship ultimately, you know, with friends or teachers, or yeah. I feel like it's such a powerful lesson. So, yeah, thank you for sharing that with us. Oh that's okay, that's okay.

Speaker 1: 45:00

That's really why I think we've been drawn to each other, because, you know, we really vibe with what you offer and what you're bringing to the world and we can tell that it's coming from a place that is so pure like and it's coming from her. It's coming from a true reality that you experience, pure like, and it's coming from her. It's coming from a true reality that you experience, which is now the fire that you know brings this message out. And you know it's so wonderful that you're healing a lot of relationships and helping mums on this journey, because it can be bloody hard. And I've watched amy go through single well, really, like you know, because I was such a I guess a frantic shift worker, I look at it like she was like almost parenting as a single mum, like you know there were times when I just wasn't there for a period of eight days.

Speaker 1: 45:43

So it can be super tricky, but I would love to just chat for hours and hours. I know that we need to bring this to a close, but, jess, I really wanted to maybe ask you where people can find you and also maybe what you offer, what you can offer for those listeners who want to really get some honed in experience in how they can get better in this space.

Speaker 3: 46:14

Sure, sure. Well, thank you. I mean, yeah, I could definitely keep going for another hour with you both. Thank you for chatting with me and asking me to come on. It's been really nice to get to know you both too.

Speaker 3: 46:28

So, the best way, I'm very active in my social, so if you just follow me on Instagram, there's all of my stuff there and that's just jessarachi, so you'll find me under that. I have my website as well, which you can go on to, and I'd say, obviously there's an email address on there. But, honestly, if you wanted to see what I'm creating at the moment, then Instagram is a really good one. I do have a free resources page on my website if people want to go on there. There's a few helpful things on there that my clients usually benefit from and what I offer.

Speaker 3: 47:07

So I've created something really new since coming back from maternity leave, which I'm really excited about, and I kicked that off in August. So I've got, yeah, a new, new experience just for mums, um now, which is a five-month um experience. It's called the happy home immersion. So that's kicking off in August, um, and for parents who want to really focus a lot more on the children's stuff and behaviors and and the dynamics and the nervous system. They really just want that you know beginner language around it, the beginner tools, and really dive on into it.

Speaker 3: 47:45

Then I've got the Happy Home program, the 12-week online program as well, which you can submit your interest via my website. So you're welcome to do that, but I'll give you the link to the free program that I was just explaining. Yeah, it's free and it's really great. It's a great starting point and going into a lot of the tools and a lot more of what I've just shared around the nervous system for kids and parents, and a meditation process that I created as well that you can guide yourself through. So and yeah, so they're the main things I do do speaking and coaching, obviously speaking as well but, yeah, just follow me there and I'll put all the updates there of what I'm up to.

Speaker 2: 48:32

Amazing.

Speaker 1: 48:34

We'll leave the link to the resources in the show notes for all the listeners. Yeah, I just want to thank you for your time today.

Speaker 3: 48:40

Thank, you, thank you both, thank you so much.