Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

Reigniting Desire: Transforming Stagnation into Passion - Without the Pressure

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 48

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Unlock the secrets to transforming your relationship from surviving to thriving by rekindling emotional and physical intimacy. Discover how emotional disconnection can turn physical intimacy into a mere obligation and learn strategies to reignite the desire. We'll share insights from the Gottman Institute on balancing safety and mystery in relationships, helping you create a secure environment where intimacy can flourish. Through our own experiences of overcoming career pressures and family responsibilities, we reveal the traps that can lead to emotional distance and offer practical advice to break free from stagnant cycles.

Join us as we explore the profound impact of societal pressures and distractions like career focus and pornography on emotional and physical connections. We'll provide you with simple yet powerful tools to cultivate open communication and deeper emotional conversations with your partner. Experience the transformative practices of deep conscious breathing, eye-gazing exercises, and gratitude rituals that can strengthen trust and intimacy. By encouraging curiosity over criticism, we aim to guide you in uncovering hidden barriers to intimacy, fostering a relationship built on appreciation and connection.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. Welcome everybody to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. We are back in the office and bringing this episode to you on a Monday morning. Today we're recording.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, feels a little Monday-like but, right now I'm just sinking into what our life was like in the routine and Monday can sometimes be associated with routine and here we go again. You know, know, it's the start of the week and the same cycle over and over again.

Speaker 1:

And actually this episode we are looking to help the listeners and that's you, to really maybe break a certain cycle which could feel a bit stagnant yeah, yeah, I think this episode is to really help to find some really simple strategies and ways to, like you said, break the cycle, and we're mainly focusing on that intimacy and that connection on that level, as opposed to the cycle of the routine, but the cycle that happens, I guess, in the intimate space.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, that's right. So actually I was just reading an article and they were speaking about the difference between safety and mystery, and there's a sweet spot in between, and safety is needed, you know, to help our nervous systems to feel okay, so that we can turn up well and healthy in relationship. But then there's also this element of mystery about our partner, about us and who we are and how we're actually vibing together, and getting that balance right is essential for a really harmonious, active relationship that has a lot of sexual energy in it as well. Yeah, that has a lot of sexual energy in it as well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and I think with that we'll talk into that a little bit later, but we're actually going to, in this episode, probably dive a little bit into the link between the emotional and the physical stagnation that happens in relationships and the actual link between the intimacy of emotional intimacy versus physical intimacy. And if you're hearing these terms for the first time, that's okay, that's perfect, because we'll go into them and understand them a little bit more, and you might. It might actually be really helpful to hear this, because we've been sharing it a little bit, um, in the last few weeks and a lot of people are quite surprised at how much this is linked. The the two can't exist, um, independently.

Speaker 2:

They actually need to kind of what we've found anyway, uh, be created together yeah, yeah, and we're also going to give you practical strategies to reconnect without fear or pressure, and how to create a safe space for your intimacy in your relationship to actually grow. So let's speak a little bit about maybe some statistics that really highlight this sure?

Speaker 1:

yeah, I think the good one to start with is, um, the gottman institute. Like we love reading their statistics because their research is so thorough. But, um, the number one predictor of relationship success is the ability to create emotional safety. So if we're not feeling emotionally safe, then our physical intimacy, the sex, the sexual energy is probably going to be waning, you'll notice. And it says that 70% of couples who report a lack of intimacy in their relationship cite emotional disconnection as the primary reason for sexual shutdown. So let's just break that down a little bit. If you have emotional disconnection in your relationship, if you're not emotionally intimate, like you deeply understand each other, you hear each other, you see each other, you feel each other, then the sexual shutdown is going to be a byproduct. So you're not going to have this physical connection or intimacy. If the other one doesn't exist, the emotional stuff doesn't exist, right?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it brings me back to our relationship again, and if we can share a little bit about us and where we were at, it's probably.

Speaker 2:

I think I'm getting transported back to about 15 years ago in our relationship.

Speaker 2:

You know, we'd probably been together for five years, we'd already gone traveling, we'd done all the exciting stuff, and then we had kids, and then we, you know, and that's a big thing Like let's not underestimate how that in itself adds pressure, and so having children in our life, also juggling career, we're sort of moving into the point of our careers where it's really important to grow in those areas as well.

Speaker 2:

And we felt the pressure and I really felt like there was a point where we were emotionally distant from each other and sex actually really felt like it was something that we should be doing. And I don't know if any of the listeners kind of resonate with that, but I remember, even speaking, that you know to each other it's something that we just should do and so let's do it. And coming from that place of of forcefulness is, of course, enough to maybe just start some sort of a connection and spark again to to help us to feel good. But the experience itself does not have the depth and richness that it would have if we had had emotional depth and connection before that, leading into that, in the weeks and days leading into that yeah, I think it's important also to remember back, like, yeah, I felt pressure to to give you that.

Speaker 1:

Like you know, like as a woman, I was like I guess that's what I have to do like I have to give you sex, and then you now we aren't awareness, we have, but you needed to be intimate in that physical way to feel like you were loved, to feel that you know, this relationship was okay to kind of give you security, but I didn't need that like that. I was like, whatever I could, I could actually do without it, because that wasn't something that I think it's.

Speaker 2:

It's pretty common for most women to need that emotional intimacy to really feel loved first yeah, yeah, yeah, and and with that disconnect that we actually experienced, like I would have resentment inside of myself. So there were things that I wouldn't speak about because maybe I was too scared to speak about them, because they'd maybe be I'd fit. Maybe I'm not going to be manly enough for you. Maybe if I, if to speak about them because they'd maybe be, maybe I'm not going to be manly enough for you. Maybe if I, if I speak about my own needs or things that I really want in this relationship, that you would think less of me, and so what I would do is I would internalize that process and I held frustration inside of myself. There would be no energy release. I would feel that inside of me, and so with that energy that I'm housing inside of me because it's got to do with you, then that would add a. It's almost like the polar opposite of magnets.

Speaker 1:

It would really repel me, um, repel you, and then we'd have that, that divide or that gap you know, energy, yeah, I'd just be happy, like going along my life without any sex, because there was no way that I was feeling desire or connection or um, yeah, I was just doing my role right. I was just being a mom and doing the best that I could. So we see this a lot right, and maybe you guys have experienced this in your relationship. You know you kind of just oh yeah, that's right, we used to be really connected and intimate and have these deep conversations and know each other really well and have this most beautiful sex, and now, hmm, we barely even connect on any sort of level. So this is what I guess we're speaking into that stagnation, that kind of what were you saying at the beginning, like that routine and that like just that normality of normality, yeah, and, and they're distractions.

Speaker 2:

Let's be clear, like these are things that are distractions and of course, we can rationalize that. Yes, I need to focus on my career and my independence and things like that, but for me, like I I did, I use this, I use my career as a distraction. It helps me to feel loved, it helps me to feel connected to something. So if I'm not getting it from you, I'm getting it from these people over here, my clients, from a sense of worth within my job. I'm. I'm getting it also, like even sexual activation, from pornography.

Speaker 2:

I'm not getting it from you, so I'll get it from somewhere else and so just remember like these are distractions, but they're also filling a void that may exist inside of yourself as an individual, and so a real relationship that is one that has health flowing through. It is one where we can really coexist together in this beautiful way where it's like a self-sufficient ecosystem yeah, absolutely yeah, it'd be beautiful.

Speaker 1:

So, if you're listening to this, would it be helpful for you guys to have some really simple ways to reconnect if you're feeling in that stagnation kind of space, without, I guess, that feeling of pressure like oh, I should do this or I have to do this energy? If that would be helpful, then stick around. We're going to share a couple of really, really simple tips soon and I'm just curious as well, mike, would it be actually helpful to know, I guess, a little bit more about why you can't have emotional without the physical intimacy space and how we can start to shift this? So we're going to dive into a bit more about those topics and I think it's really helpful to maybe think about your own relationship first and think about what is your emotional connection? Like what, what are you guys speaking about?

Speaker 1:

Is it just the, the mundane tasks and to-do lists, the managing of the kids, the school stuff, the work stuff, or are you able to kind of sit with your partner and go into that little bit deeper space of like, hey, what's going on with you? Like what's, what's how you're feeling, what's been popping up in your world? Tell me about what's on your mind, like are you able to do that with your partner? And and if not, that's okay, because we weren't either. You know, there was many times I was trying to. Always I found that in our relationship I was the one that would try and find these cool questions, to have this deep connection, and I don't know if you remember that, but I'd be like what's your favorite color?

Speaker 1:

I don't know, Just so I could start. Oh, if you could travel anywhere in the world. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you travel to? Because I was desiring that connection on that emotional level, but I didn't know how, I didn't know how to bring that up. So that was kind of I guess how I would best, my best attempt at it by asking those sorts of questions, but you would just kind of quickly shut them down and not seem that interested.

Speaker 2:

Well, they were great attempts, but at the time I really thought that intellect was the way that we could um succeed in life, right like the looking at the things that we can accumulate the, the ways that we can get forward and get ahead um, the practical ways that we can kind of um build our life to this place of happiness like your investments and the money side and the yeah, the provider role, for sure, and to an extent, I still have that part of me that's still there.

Speaker 2:

But one thing that I learned on this experience of growth, especially in relationship work and the stuff that we've been working on, is actually it's moving from the mind and the intellect into the heart again, like remembering the real bond that we have and how we first got together and what was really happening there. There was electricity and I know a lot, of, a lot of listeners. If you're in a relationship and you've been in a relationship long term think back to what drew you to your partner in the first place. It was something other than an intellectual interaction where you're talking about. I can see you slotting into this role and if we were to have a family and you'd be a wonderful cook in that scenario and and then I could go to work and I could. It's actually like, hey, I feel something with you. I can't explain it. Um, let's explore that more and I just want to talk with you, yeah, we used to talk for hours, I think most couples probably remember hours and endless conversation about staying up all night and yeah, yeah, so I want you.

Speaker 2:

I just want to encourage you that we had that initially. We lost it and thought that there was nothing else to learn about each other and now. We can't bloody stop it it is like. We have our moments, but a lot of the time on a saturday night we're just sitting on the couch outside um in nature, and we're literally exploring the depths of each other a lot more than we used to.

Speaker 1:

So there's way, way more to discover than you really think so that is, my friends, the emotional intimacy, right, that deeper understanding and bond that you create. And then of course I mean the desire, the spark, the whoa this is feeling great leads into that physical connection and intimacy. You know, Like there's a desire to have sex, there's a longing to connect with you on another level. So it it's no brainer that it goes hand in hand. Okay, uh, and it and it's a whole nother experience when you do have that um together little disclaimer with.

Speaker 2:

That is, relationships are complex and, of course, there's complexities in there that we can't really explain in a podcast right now, and that includes deep resentments and trauma that might be um have. Either of you have experience in the relationship and that's where we shine in our relationship work.

Speaker 1:

If you are interested in reaching out and you know that there is something big that's in between the two of you, then that's when we can really help in that space yeah, I just want to quickly speak into how stress stops us from this too right, how much they pressure of life and work and finances puts on us, like our nervous system, our body, and it stops us from wanting to connect. When we're feeling stressed out, your cortisol levels are high, your nervous system is probably in fight or flight all the time. It's hard to slow down and deeply connect with your partner. So it's worth kind of looking at a whole bunch of different areas to see maybe there is something else going on.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I think one of the metaphors that I was reading about was you know the signals with the barriers to safety, like you can only relax and let go and be physically intimate with your partner if you feel safe, right, and so if your nervous system is actually perceiving that there's a threat there and a threat can be something like the way that you spoke to me yesterday and I've unresolved it a threat can be, um, the, the way that you, you've been disrespecting me, or that I've felt disrespect from you recently that's a threat to your nervous system.

Speaker 1:

Well, yeah, it could be completely unrelated. The bill that comes in the recently that's a threat to your nervous system well, yeah, it could be completely unrelated. The bill that comes in the mail that's freaking you out, that you're scared to tell your wife about. Or you know the conversation that you had with a friend when he was being really rude to you.

Speaker 2:

All of those sorts of things become so, just remembering this is the metaphor from a primal perspective, zebras won't mate with another zebra if there's a lion nearby, and the metaphorical lion could be any of those things that we just mentioned yeah, it's worth exploring that as well, with connection intimacy as well cool. So we're going to give you some really fast, hard-hitting practices that are going to reignite the intimacy, if practiced right.

Speaker 1:

So you guys ready all right we do have a free resource on this as well, so if this is something that you're like oh, I'm driving and you can't listen just message us and we can send through the free resource with all of these details listed very clearly remember we spoke about moving from the mind into the body, and we spoke about how we move from the intellect to the heart.

Speaker 2:

So this practice here is a breath work practice, and I don't know if any of you have experienced breath work before. There are so many different types, but this is something that you can practice that will help you to shift out of your mind and the stressful cycle that you can find yourself in and move back into a space where you can feel connected to your body again, because there is, for a lot of people, an unhealthy disconnect from their body. The only feeling that they get from their body is often stress related. It's often tension in the body, and so this exercise is an embodiment exercise.

Speaker 1:

That is something that you would do regularly, either together or by yourself yeah, just to help you get out of your mind and into your body, and it can be as simple as just taking a really deep, conscious breath and exhaling for longer. So yeah, just remembering am I in my head or am I in your body and taking some deep breaths for that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so embodiment exercises, including breath work, are really, really helpful. So if you can find anything that's going to bring you back to earth, that's the key, and that can be, as Amy said, something simple as breathing. But also I love just the two-minute gravity session, which is basically just sitting on the floor or on the couch or something where you can actually be present, or somewhere where you can be present and literally just experiencing the phenomenon that is gravity for two minutes, closing down your eyes and actually feeling into what's supporting you, feeling into the sensations in the body, starting to breathe and expand the lungs and then bring yourself back into your body again you're probably thinking what the heck does that have to do with, like, bringing back the emotional physical connection?

Speaker 1:

or when we're in, like physical connection, or when we're in, like we said, the stress, when we're in our mind, we're stressed out and we can't be present with our partner. So when we're in their body, we can be more present, which allows us to feel more and have more sensations.

Speaker 2:

And actually, adding to this, when we teach our communication strategy, which a lot of our clients have access to, the very first thing we do is we get the couple to actually look at each other and take three deep, conscious breaths together. And that is not just some airy-fairy idea, it's evidence-based research that proves this exact point.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so that's number one. Another really simple, practical tool or strategy to help the emotional and physical connection coming back is actually a non-sexual touch ritual, and you can do this however way. But what we suggest is actually to hug each other for a minute or longer. You know, when we're in a relationship where we can be frightened by oh, if I show any interest, like if I give a longer hug or I give him a kiss or hold his hand or touch his leg, that's definitely going to mean he wants sex and I'm not going to go there so I don't have any energy or I'm exhausted for that, I'm just staying right away.

Speaker 1:

So you create this invisible guard up right away. So you create this invisible guard up. But I get it because I've been there too and I didn't want to let on any signs and we see it in our clients. But if you're wanting to kind of start to deepen even the emotional connection, just being able to have a non-sexual sort of touch ritual where you know it's not going to lead to sex, you're actually on the cards. I'm going to give you a hug, it doesn't mean anything, I just want to connect with you. So that might be a nice practice for you guys an extended hug for around 30 to 60 seconds beautiful.

Speaker 2:

The next one is an eye gazing exercise. So eye gazing is simply staring into the eyes of your partner eyes. So eye gazing is simply staring into the eyes of your partner, ideally staring into the left eye of each other, and just maintaining eye contact. You can blink, you can breathe, you can do all the things, noticing the discomfort that might come up. All right, being in awareness of all of those discomforts, but maintaining connection with the eyes through all of that. This is a rapid fire way to build massive amounts of intimacy and trust with each other. Yeah, so I would suggest an eye gaze for 60 seconds and that really supercharges your energetic intimacy yeah, yeah, beautiful.

Speaker 1:

Um. The next one that we suggest that you might like to try is actually a gratitude practice. So maybe before bed or first thing when you wake up in the morning, whatever your schedules are like share one thing that you appreciate about your partner what this does. It starts to build this emotional connection, it starts to build a bit of a bond and it creates this safety and acknowledgement. Oh, you see me, oh, you saw me when I you know I could be like, hey, thank you so much for picking up the rubbish and taking it out for me. It's been full for days and I keep forgetting. You know, just acknowledgement of, you know, your partner. Doing something like that can help them a lot to feel like oh yeah, great, I'm appreciated here.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because I think for a lot of us we just fall into this robotic pattern of just doing our things and it not being noticed and it's not paid right. We're just doing our roles and often parenting comes into this as well. So there's appreciation if you have kids around the way that you parent, or I've noticed you really picking up a lot of slack when I've been down or not at home lately. Thank you for that. It really means the world.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, definitely helpful. I like that and something that we never used to do.

Speaker 2:

That's right. So when there's a lack of appreciation, it's often there's a sign that there's a whole heap of resentment in there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I would never say thank you. I'm like you should just bloody do it never say thank you, I'm like you should just bloody, do it just do it because that's your job, that kind of energy.

Speaker 1:

I was not very kind. Um, yeah, obviously the resentment's pretty strong then, but the uh, the next one I think it's number five is this can be tricky, particularly if it's uncomfortable for you guys to bring it up but to uncover and voice any of the hidden barriers that you may have or you might think you have, to sex or to physical intimacy. So there might be some questions that you'd like to ask each other about. Hey, what is it that you know that you feel blocked from me, or why is it that every time I touch you, you pull away? Or, you know, just open up conversation? You know like it's going to be so helpful to understand what's happening for each of you and it helps you to kind of voice your barriers to. Yeah, speak them out loud.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I think this is the really key point here in communication. The really key point here in communication. What needs to happen, though, is that, in order for this to be a safe conversation, there needs to be a level of curiosity rather than criticism, so curiosity needs to be almost written on a piece of paper and put in the middle of you that, hey, we're going to remain curious, because, if we drop into critic being critical, what we're going to do is we're going to say things like you never do this for me, or you always do this, and it makes me feel like this that there is criticism which can really impact your ability to find that information. This is like gathering ideas and understanding of each other, and that will inhibit the growth if you're not in curiosity.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, good point, I like that one. And very last, this is something that actually is really fun to do. It's an easy one is revisit a fond memory or share a favorite memory about your relationship and pick a moment that comes to mind and just really speak into it with that fondness and love that you remember that memory for, and this really helps to to rekindle that flame again that you maybe once had at the beginning yeah, yeah, that's right, and I'm sure that you guys will be able to come up with the memory that's really positive and that infuses and changes the energy now, even though it was something historic.

Speaker 2:

So you know, if we're not bringing up anything that's positive in our current day relationship, let's explore something from the past and watch how that shifts. Almost instantaneously. It can really shift how you're feeling about each other in this moment, right now.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's really beautiful. So that's some of our tips that helps you guys kind of bring back the spark if you're in that sexual energy, emotional energy, stagnation, and really help to rekindle that and gently, but without that pressure, right, and I think that's important. So we would also really love to share, before we say goodbye on this episode, something that we're offering as a special offer that we're opening up to a scholarship for anyone to come and join us on our 12-week Reconnected Union. So that's just an application process and you will get a scholarship to come and join us. So if there's any couples out there that are struggling financially, that maybe really want to do some work on their relationship but just can't afford it, then it would be an opportunity for you guys to apply for that, because we want to help as many couples as possible.

Speaker 1:

We understand that, yeah, that times are tough Money's. You know financial pressures are real. We're experiencing them too. But we want to make sure that we try and get the word out and share our tools and strategies and tips with as many couples as possible. So if this is you, all you need to do is just send us an email. Our details are in the show notes and we can explore that and get you started.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because literally we're watching couples go from zero to 100 very quickly in terms of their connection being reignited again, and often this happens within 12 weeks. So you just imagine, from now until three months' time, how many tools and strategies and openings actually occur within the two of you filling those gaps and really just really seeing each other again for perhaps even the first time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so, yeah, we would love for you to reach out if that feels aligned with you. If not, then I hope you've got some value out of joining us on this podcast and if you did, please obviously like or share that podcast to get the message out.

Speaker 2:

All right. Thanks again, listeners, and we'll catch you on the next episode.