Let's Chat with Will & Tony
Let's Chat with Will & Tony
SEG 3 of 4 - Jelousy - Breaking Out of Relationship Ruts: Navigating Family dynamics and Cultivating Stronger Bonds
Ever feel like you're stuck on a merry-go-round when it comes to relationships, circling the same issues time and again? That's where we, Will Kesley and Tony Patek, come in, ready to arm you with insights on fostering self-awareness and breaking through those destructive cycles. In our heartfelt conversation, we delve into why you might be drawn to the same partner types and how past choices echo into your present relational dynamics. We lay bare the nitty-gritty of maintaining the strength of your primary relationship, especially when navigating the complexities of family gatherings and ensuring both you and your partner feel valued and heard.
Let's face it, family dynamics can be a minefield, and we don't shy away from the tough stuff, including when it might be necessary to take a step back from family members for the sake of your well-being. We emphasize taking ownership of your part in familial conflicts and the transformation that making amends can bring. And because we know life isn't just about the hard conversations, we also tease future discussions on the ever-evolving role of technology in our lives, and a sensitive exploration of eating habits – because we're all about mixing personal development with stimulating debates on a variety of topics. So tune in for an episode that promises to enlighten, engage, and possibly change the way you view your closest connections.
Common Sense Advice for Life, helping with self-awareness, family and relationships in a complex world. Now here's Will Kesley and Tony Patek. Alright, welcome back. Welcome back. Here we go, let's chat. Will and Tony. So in the break got a call. It's like I love the phone calls. It's hard to get during the show because we can't always get them on the air.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But they said so Will. I've been divorced three times. Okay, check your six. It's always been. Because my husbands are just too jealous. She goes, I'm not the problem.
Speaker 2:Check your six. I said hey, you know what?
Speaker 1:That's a great conversation. I'm not sure I can answer that for you on the phone because I don't know who. I know you're marrying, but I will tell you this there are people who marry the same kind of people over again. There's this thing called like the Florence Nightingale Effect, where certain women will marry guys that are sick all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because they want to take care of them.
Speaker 1:They got value to take care of them.
Speaker 2:And the guys will do that same thing they need a needy woman, and then they get frustrated because they're needy all the time.
Speaker 1:We see this with women who get into abusive relationships and then they get out of it and then they get into another one and they're like why do I collect this? And so and it's too much for the show today to get into some of the details of that Just be aware of that. If you start seeing a pattern, you may be the pattern. Check your six and say what can I do differently to change this pattern? Maybe I need to stop going to the bar to pick up on guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Maybe I need you know that might be not the most fruitful ground, Right.
Speaker 1:So that's all. That's all I said to the callers. I said, look, I you know there's so much to deal with on a phone call, but think about it. If you see a theme is what I'd say. If you see themes that kind of go on like you're always the angry one, you're always the one that won't talk, you're always the one that is on your cell phone, you're always the one. Okay, what's the theme? And then what can we do to interject in that theme and do it do to change that theme a little bit?
Speaker 2:And it's back to owning your own destiny, right Own in your own reality, so to speak, and then have the conversation, yeah, and understand. It might not be you, but there's good chance it's you, it's two to tango. Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so when we went to the break family. Family reunions, I love them.
Speaker 2:But I ain't Christmas, whatever going to see grandma on her birthday.
Speaker 1:Whatever the case may be, you got a family, I got a family, yeah, and one of the things you brought just for you hit the break was that she likes to go and be with her family and when she gets there she kind of starts becoming a kid again and starts running around with her sisters and her brothers. They do silly things and you're kind of you feel kind of left out. Yeah, you're sitting on the sidelines. Yeah, I think it's common, very common.
Speaker 2:Now I'll tell you in my life it's way more me than Camille. Really, camille's really good at this. Well, that's cause she's the blue You're the yellow, you're all by the playboy. I go home, though, and you know you get home and I get it Right. You want to be like hey, it's my brother. This is, play games all night long and, you know, hang out and do dumb stuff because you want kind of that release of like I'm home again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's okay, but when I was first marrying I would do that to such an extent I would leave Camille out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it, it caused quite a bit of problems. You know back in the day when I would go and I'd you know. Oh well, you go home with the kids, I'm going to hang out with my brothers and play games, and now I'm saddling Camille with all this extra work. I'm playing games under all under the premise of hey, you know, I need to connect with my brothers and I missed what we were talking about in the last segment. I missed the fact that Camille's my number one and I should go to that family union. It's good to connect with the brothers, but I gotta do it through the lens of check, where she's at check. You know, check my six and make sure we're good.
Speaker 2:And we and you know we didn't talk about this before, but I think that comes down to manage your expectations. You know, if I, if I went into a family unit and saying, hey, I Want to go and I'm really interested in playing games all night with my brothers having a game night, and we went in ahead of time discussing that and so maybe we drove two cars, so it's not a big old hassle, or? Or we planned it and you know we worked it out and we were agreeing what was gonna go down. Those expectations were clear. We did way better. But if we just went, and then I and she was thinking, hey, we're gonna go over there for two or three hours and then back home, and now I'm wanting to stay for six, well then it all fall apart, right?
Speaker 1:so the key on going home to family is first of all have the conversation. Which, either? What were each other is that. Some may be totally okay with it. Some may love your family and they jump in right away. Some don't. Some may regret it, may not like the way they act. There's a lot of things that happen there that is different, because it's not your family, yeah, and it's hard to see. You can't just steal that out of. You can't say well, g, you know done with them. You got a. You know what. I'm your number one, I get, we get that. Just keep in mind, it's still DNA. There's something about being blood that you just don't get out of the other person and nor could you try to force it out. But you do need to have the conversation is to where am I at, where are you at, where can we be comfortable with this and where can we make this work?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I find that place of harmony. I think that's exactly right. It's that back to that. Expectations, right, yeah, when, man, when you line on the expectations and you content, communicate with each other and say this is where I am, this is where you are, and you, back to your adaptable right, get, become adaptable and you modify through things, oh, you hate it when I hunt all day on Thanksgiving. Okay, maybe I won't hunt all day, I'll hunt for three or four hours and then I'll be back.
Speaker 1:It wouldn't be cool. You're spouser and Ron and said I know you love doing that with your brothers. Go for it, yeah, when you just feel see again adaptable and happy on both sides, on both sides works.
Speaker 1:No one dip harder than the other and be empathetic to that might dip in too hard. Today Would be okay to be okay with that and the two of you have to be able to be comfortable with that. But I usually get, is it? Yeah, but she always wants this and she always wants that. She always wants Okay. Well, let's figure out what that need is, yeah, and find out where that healthy balance is.
Speaker 2:No, I love that because sometimes it can be, hey, go so here's the other part that comes up.
Speaker 1:It's like I love going home my husband's family, but his mom she's in my life, she's always telling me I'm doing things wrong. She's always just. She always tell me don't like how I cook. Okay, so here's the advice to that one. All right, let me hear it. Whoever spouse, whoever parents, it is.
Speaker 1:Okay, it is not your spouse's responsibility to defend themselves. Oh, I like that. Right you have to own. This is my number one, and mom and dad, you won't talk to us that way. Mom and dad, you don't have to be rude to my wife that way if you want us around.
Speaker 2:Right, and we would love being around, but you need to respect my here's the rules or you need to respect my husband.
Speaker 1:So husband and wife need to set what those guidelines are, what those rules are, and remember that if they get out of shape, it's your responsibility to take care of your own mom and your own dad. It's not their responsibility. Now, in relationship, some people a little more forceful this kind of stuff. They're a little more okay with getting into somebody's grill, and others are kind of passive. I won't get in the grill and so they will just let everything be passive. Yeah, you can't do that. It's unhealthy. It makes the other spouse feel unvalued.
Speaker 2:Well now, If, if it's a she, let's say it's the wife, she's now the third party. Yeah, she's the third wheel bouncing around with the mom, the dad and the husband all saying, hey, you need to. You know, get it in gear. Right, you're now the enemy, that's unfair.
Speaker 1:So it's your responsibility. If it's your mom or dad or your brother or sister, it's your response. But they say, hey, by the way, visit with my wife. We'd appreciate if we didn't go that, have that dialogue. But you have to own the place because if not you're gonna make it where all of a sudden it's you against the wife and I've had some were like well, me and my brothers and my family don't like my wife. Okay, that's your responsibility to have that Fix that. You can't just say, well, I agree, we all are against her. No, that's not how it works in a marriage. No, if you want a healthy marriage, you got to fix that.
Speaker 2:You know I mean end of the day. When you make that commitment, you make that commitment that you're going to be there to defend them. You're going to be there to love them and you're cleaving. You're right, the religious term of cleaving together is a spouse. You're tight together with that person and there you go and everybody else. You know you're going to have to work it out. Now this doesn't mean you go conflict heavy with your family and like bust everything up.
Speaker 2:In-laws don't become outlaws, but you can do it in a very kind, a very professional way, to say hey, mom and dad, you're talking about the sweetest person in my life and I'd really appreciate it. If we don't go there, because this is, this is, we'll end up me siding with her, that's right, and the goal here is see, here's what people say.
Speaker 1:They're saying yeah, but you don't understand. My wife is a tyrant, my wife is a problem and my wife does cause these issues. My wife doesn't do this. Yeah, you chose that, that's my wife, and you can still sit down with wife and say honey, which part of this are we owning, or is there something we can do differently? Is there something that you would like to do differently and still have a chance to grow in ways that are healthy? We don't want to say, well, yeah, she really is that, and so that's why you don't pick your sides. You already picked your spouse.
Speaker 2:Well, that's back to the last segment when we're talking about you. Don't go to your friends and whine about to your friends, about your spouse. If you have issues with your spouse and you think your spouse is a tyrant sounds like there's a conversation you need to have with your spouse, right, and work that out first. Then you can deal with the family.
Speaker 1:You're obviously agreeing. Yeah, if you're agreeing.
Speaker 2:There's a problem. There's some content. Communication needs to be had between the two of you first, before you bring the rest of the family into the game. So how?
Speaker 1:much do I pick up the point. The point is we're going to have conflicts, we're going to have differences of opinions, we're going to have parents that overstep their balance. We're going to yes, but there's. That's just life. Everyone's going to have it at some point. Yeah, it's what you do about it and how you go about it. Going forward, it helps, correct it and it may mean that you stop seeing that family member.
Speaker 2:It may mean you apologize, do some apologizing to your wife and say, hey, that was unfair of me to side with my family against you and all that.
Speaker 1:Sometimes that has to happen. Just always do it by checking your six and saying it's a role here. I could be better at what can I do and at some point if the other relationship your mom or dad or whatever it's just that unhealthy.
Speaker 2:You don't have to go home, yeah.
Speaker 1:You don't have to be there. You don't have to be there. No one's forcing you to do it, just because it's mom and dad Coming up. Next, though, we got technology, technology, we got to get technology. And it's one question about eating. Oh, we got to do that. And wrap it up, the few minutes we got left.
Speaker 2:Oh boy, here we go. I keep wanting to avoid that one.
Speaker 1:I know I mean this is going to be tough. Jumping out for a break. We're back in two minutes.