003: I wasted so much of my 20s with alcohol

In this episode, I share my own person journey with alcohol. I had my first drink when I was 14 and I've had a lot of not so fun experiences with drinking in my 20s. I wasted so much of my 20s drinking and hungover. I share it all in this episode! 

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Transcript

 Hey everybody, Kacey here. Chick chat Collective. Um, I am, I have decided to, sorry my kids were just screaming downstairs. Um, I have decided that I am going to release a podcast every week. Now, I've had several people ask me, when's the next one coming out? When's the next one coming out? And most of these topics that I am, Interviewing and talking to people about are topics that I also can relate to.

Have something personal, you know, in my own own life or from my own life to chat about on it. And so that's kind of how it's gonna go. We're gonna have. A week of interview. So the last one was with Shannon Morris about her journey to becoming alcohol free. Um, and actually we still, her and I had still had so much to talk about, so we are going to definitely do a part two, um, because everyone too who listened to that was just, So inspired and thought it was awesome.

So, um, this one, this solo episode of mine is going to be talking about that as well, just sort of my journey with alcohol and drinking and where I am at today and all the things, so, right, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not that I really think there's anything good with alcohol or that comes from it. Um, But I also don't think everyone who, you know, drinks or has a drink like has a problem.

So I totally understand that there's a difference there. Um, so that's what. That's one is gonna be about sort of my journey with drinking and alcohol. Um, so if you listen to the one before with Shayna and I, we were talking about our childhood and you know, where we're both from, Gainesville, Virginia, which is like Northern Virginia.

Um, you know, we grew up, my first drink, I was 14. I was a freshman in coll uh, college. Yeah, right. Uh, a freshman in high school, Stonewall Jackson High School. And. I, you know, I was super excited for. Just this new chapter in life. Um, and I, I was on the dance team. I happened to become Homecoming Princess that year, and the, my first drink was actually on homecoming night.

That's why I brought that up. So I had just moved to a new neighborhood called Sheffield Manor and met some older kids there. Um, and I. I became friends with the older kids. One of them became my boyfriend. He was like my, the first, you know, it was like puppy love. And uh, I made friends with a sophomore.

Her name's Michelle. I don't know if we're allowed to use last names, so I'm not going to. But her and I became close and. I, you know, I always have had older people as friends in my life. I have been told many times by many people, I'm an old soul. Um, and so I've, I still to this day, you know, all my friends in California are at least, you know, three to five years older than me, and they're like some of my best closest friends.

Um, I do also have some friends that are my age, obviously, but, I, you know, became really close with this girl. She was my neighbor and we went to homecoming. And then my boyfriend was also a neighbor. He like lived across the street and he was, um, like really a really good kid. He was also a sophomore. Um, and.

I don't know. My girlfriend Michelle, she was like, we were at Homecoming and sh she was friends with these senior guys and she was like, we're gonna go to this party. Like I was gonna spend the night at her house. We had this whole plan and then we were sneaking out and she, you know, we were sleeping in her basement and sneaking out and going to this party with all these seniors.

And somehow my boyfriend at the time found out about this and. He was really upset and he didn't want me to go, and he was like begging me not to go, and I was like, I really wanted to go. My friend made it seem like it was so much fun, and so her and I, you know, went and slept over at her house and then we left and went to, I don't even know where the heck this was.

My first drink was a white Russian with all these older kids. I was like the youngest one there. Um, brand new freshman in high school partying with like, All these older kids and thought I was such hot shit like homecoming princess and dance team, and blah, blah, blah, and. Drink way too much. I don't even remember how many white Russians I had that night, but I'll tell you what, I've never had a white Russian since.

I've never had another one again, and it's been a long time. I'm 37 now. Never once have I wanted another white Russian. Um, I think I got alcohol poisoning. If I'm being completely honest, I don't really remember much of the night except for being and feeling so super sick and like, and I think I blacked out because I don't really remember being able to like move or open my eyes really.

And I just remember like all of them talking about it, like being like, she like cannot have anymore Michelle. We need to get her home. Like we need to make sure she's okay. So like, Honestly, thank God nothing bad happened. Like thank God they were decent enough kids at the time to like not take advantage of me or do anything horrible to me.

You know? And you know, my friend was there, so they took us home. I don't remember to her house. I don't remember any of that, but I woke up the next morning and had to go home to my house. Hungover, but Right. Like, I'm, I'm 14, so like not, not actually hungover. I don't feel like you really get hungover until you're like older because you're just more tired and like your body can't bounce back as quickly.

Um, But I walk home and my mom like had already known everything that happened. She's like testing me right? And questioning me, and I'm lying. I'm just like, we just spent the night at her house, blah, blah, blah, blah. And in my head I'm sure I'm just like, can you shut up And like, let me go to sleep. But then she like broke the news that she knew.

And of course, you know, I love my mom, but she. Like lied to me and she was like, you, your school somehow found out and, and you're getting kicked off the dance team and you're not gonna be, they're taking away your crown and your sat. Right? Like homecoming had already happened. So like whatever. But that, none of that was true.

I found out years later that it was actually my boyfriend snitch who told my mom everything cuz he was like pissed and. Anyways, long story longer as a girl I know would say I didn't drink anymore for a while after that. I didn't want to. Number one, I, like I said, I, I was dancing, so I actually was on the dancing, but then I also danced at Stage Door.

Shout out to Stage Shore Dance Studio in Menes, Virginia. Um, like. All the time. And it just, you know, that first experience was so freaking terrible that I was like, I don't wanna do that again. Um, so I didn't for like the whole rest of my freshman year and then sophomore year comes around, you know, start like going to more parties and.

Whatever. It was just a very normal thing for the kids in my town and surrounding towns to like get together and party in basements or have bonfires and people were drinking and there were kegs and a lot of the times the parents knew about it too. My mom did not condone it or know about it, but. A lot of them were cool with it.

The whole thing was like, well, I'd rather you be drinking here than be drinking somewhere else. And it's like, okay. I mean, I guess I kind of get that mentality, but also seems super irresponsible now that I'm a parent myself. And looking back at like my childhood, um, and all the things that were going on.

I mean, we weren't, we were in high school, so, oh, there's that. Um, but yeah, you know, then I would like drink here or there. You know, I had like, A few more boyfriends in high school. Once I got to my senior year, my boyfriend was older than me, he had already graduated. Um, And him and his friends, you know, I liked hanging out with them, so we would drink with them.

And then I went to college and I went to Radford University, which if anyone knows Radford, it's known for being a party school. Um, but that's also where I'm met Tyler, who is my fiance now. So I love Radford to death, but there is something to do drinking wise every single night of the week. There is not a single night.

At least when I went there in 2004 that there is not something going on. Whether it's like 40 Tuesdays where they tape forties to your hands or welfare Wednesdays where where drinks are a dollar or you know, whatever the heck, there's always a name for something and there's always a place to go drinking at.

And so that's what we did and me and some of my best college friends. Shout out to the p p H four. I'm not gonna tell anyone what that means cuz it's embarrassing now. Um, but it is me, Brittany, Evan, and Jonna. We thought we were so cool and we became little sisters to fraternity. So that just gives you an idea of how much we were drinking on the regular.

Um, crazy. And I literally only lasted at Radford till halfway through my sophomore year and I was like, all I'm doing. I was on the dance team there too. Literally got kicked off after my first semester of freshman year cuz my grades were so bad cuz I never went to class and I took out student loans. No one helped me pay for college.

So I was paying for all of this on my own. And all I did was drink at night and smoke weed during the day. I got freaking overweight and just unhealthy. So that don't, that didn't last that long. I woke up after my first semester sophomore year and was like, why am I spending so much money to do this?

Like I can party and live at home and not have to pay for college. And like, I'm not going anyways to class, so what am I doing? So I left and shortly after that I moved to Southern California. I moved to San Diego. Um, My dad was out there and I just wanted a change. So moved out there. Shortly after living out there, I met my future ex-husband and I just was already such in this drinking mentality.

It was like what my friends and I all did. Like my girlfriend's boyfriend was a 28. We were like, 18 or 19? No, I think at that time we were 20 and she had like a 28 year old boyfriend who was a bartender in Reston Town Center. So we would go there, you know, and this was when you could like smoke in the bar.

So we'd think we were so cool, like 20 years old, ordering martinis and stuff and Grand Marnie shots. That was her favorite thing. I can't do shots. I've never been able to do shots. Hate them. Always will hate 'em. Um, but. She loved him and we just thought we were hot shit. And that's what we did. And then I moved to Southern California, like I said, and it just, you know, I met my fure ex-husband.

I did not have to work. And then my girlfriend actually, Britney, moved out to la. She lived with us for a while, and I mean, pounding bottles of wine like very regularly and. You know, it just was not a good place. I basically spent my twenties, I mean, I would take breaks and stuff, but I basically spent my twenties like super drunk a lot, and then feeling super hungover.

The hangovers just got worse and worse and worse as I got older and. I mean to the point where I would not get out of bed all day the next day and I didn't have to, I didn't have anywhere to go, you know, everything was taken care of for me and I just wouldn't get outta bed. I'd sit in bed and watch friends all day and eat really unhealthy food and sometimes take his Xanax cuz like the anxiety and the guilt and the shame was so much that I couldn't even handle it.

Like I thought I was gonna have a panic attack or I thought I was gonna like, have. A full blown breakdown or you know, and I was just like disgusted with myself. Like I would call people at two or three in the morning, cuz I never, ever wanted to drink alone. I always wanted someone there with me, right?

So like me and my girlfriends would FaceTime, but then even at some point they have to go to bed. I mean, I would stay up. Sometimes, like with my girlfriends, I would say up till like five or six in the morning drinking and then we would just sleep all day the next day and get up the, you know, and do it all again.

But it was just so unhealthy and I, you know, my. Family does have a history of alcoholism. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. Even though my grandfather on my dad's side, I, I think he quit drinking like around the time I was born. So I never knew him that way. Um, and then, but my parents never drank.

Like my mom or my dad were never heavy drinkers. I never really saw either one of them drinking. At all. And it's not like I was exposed to a lot of drinking as a kid or, or anything like that. Um, so I think it really was just like my environment and, and also how I felt on the inside. Like, I think alcohol, of course, when you're drunk, it like numbs your feelings.

And as I was saying in the episode with Shannon, it, it dumbs you down. At least me. It dumbs me down like no other. Like I quit smoking weed after college because instead of it making me like giggle and laugh all day and eat 5,000 double cheeseburgers for McDonald's, it, when I moved to LA it actually ended up giving me hardcore anxiety and panic attacks and I was like, okay, I'm just not gonna do this anymore because I don't enjoy it.

And that was super easy for me to just be like, I don't wanna do it anymore. You know, I, I don't like this feeling, so I don't wanna do it. I don't know why it took me so long to do that with drinking. Like, I hated the hangover feeling. I freaking hated it so much and was always so mad at myself. Right.

It's like, it's not just the way that you feel physically, which for me is like death cuz I would smoke cigarettes with it, which does not help. But mentally and emotionally, like I just. I did not like myself. Um, so there's, there's all of that too, but that's why I feel like, you know, During my twenties, like I said, I just kind of wasted them.

And looking back now, I'm like, oh my gosh. If I could get all of that time back, like I have no time anymore, right? Like my time is my, I have three kids in a business and now this podcast, which I love, but I have no extra time at all. And I'm like, if I would've just focused my energy into positive things in my twenties.

Right. Coulda, would've, shoulda have. Like, I can't go back in time, but man, what a time waste and energy suck that it is. And it was really just me not having a purpose, not being completely happy, I think, with myself and within my marriage. Um, and so, you know, I do feel bad for my ex-husband too. Like as much as he was wrong in what he did to me at the end of our marriage, I.

Was not the best wife. I mean, who would want to be married to someone who was freaking drunk two or three times a week and then completely hung over? I mean, it wasn't like that the whole time, but it was a lot. And I certainly would not put up with that. Like there's no way. Um, and he did for a really long time.

But then, like I said, you know, I turned 30. I was really wanting to have a baby. Um, And none of that was working. So we go to the doctors and they're like, well, your egg count is low and blah, blah, blah. Smoking can cause this. And I was like, okay, well, I'm quitting drinking because that's the only way that I won't smoke cigarettes.

And the only time I did smoke cigarettes was when I was drinking. I never wanted them otherwise. So it was crazy because something I had done. Which I was like, I'll never be able to not drink. Like I thought it was crazy people talking about not drinking and like what, you know, you're lame or whatever.

And, but it was like in that moment when the doctor said that, in my mind it was just like, well then you need to quit drinking cuz you need to quit smoking cuz you need eggs to have a baby. And that's all it took. And I literally just quit and quit for like a year. And then when I kind of like took that first sip, again, it wasn't anything special.

It wasn't like, oh my gosh, I've missed this so much. Like I wasn't craving it, I wasn't thinking about it all the time. And, and it was like after that, that I think my relationship with it just changed. I think that I realized, okay, I certainly do not need this at all in my life. And it never really did anything positive for me.

Um, so. Where I'm at now with it, you know, I'm three kids in, um, but I am not like an all or nothing person. I am not that way at all in my life, right? Like I am not like I want to. Like find and build my forever home, cuz that's where I'm gonna live forever, right? Like, yes, I wanna like build my dream house, but guess what?

If I don't like it or don't wanna be there in five years, or all my kids go somewhere else, like I'm not gonna feel like I'm stuck in that house. I'm just not, I'm not like committing myself to forever, to anything except for my family and my future husband. Like that. For me, that's the only permanent thing in my life.

Um, you know, say like with having kids, you know, it's not like I can't have kids anymore, and that's something that we'll get into at a future thing. But before I knew that, I wasn't like, I'll never have any more kids. Right. Because I don't know, I don't know how I'm gonna feel in a year or two years from now.

Um, and so I'm like that with drinking too. I. Hardly ever drink anymore. But Tyler and I just went out for his birthday on May 25th, and I had an espresso martini, like at this beautiful rooftop restaurant because I wanted one, it was delicious. I had one and I was done. Um, and that's, that's how my relationship is now.

It used to be I'm opening this bottle of wine and I'm drinking the whole thing, and then I'm gonna move on to number two, and I'm smoking this pack of cigarettes like, Seriously, that's just how it was. There was no just one glass of wine, just two glasses of wine, just one bottle of wine. It was like, you're going hard, even if it is right on your back patio by yourself, FaceTiming your friends.

Excuse me. So just super unhealthy. It was a super unhealthy relationship that I had with alcohol and. You know, now it is. If I wanna drink, I'm gonna have one. Right? I'm not gonna have six. But if I feel like, Hey, it's Friday night and I haven't seen Tyler all week because we've both been slammed and he wants a freaking beer, and I want a glass of rose and we wanna talk and hang out after the kids go to sleep, that's what we're gonna do.

Um, I just, I don't know. Something has switched and I think when you go a really long time without something that you think that you can't go a really long time without, then you realize that of course you can. You are smarter and stronger. Then this thing that you think that you need, then, I don't know, it's just like the, um, The grasp that it has on you, or maybe even the addiction.

Maybe it has something to do with addiction. I, right. I'm not a scientist. I don't know how that works, but maybe once it's outta your system for a long enough time, just that alone is enough for you to not crave it anymore. I mean, I used to crave my wine nights and get so excited for my wine nights, like I would look so forward to 'em.

Um, And that's just not how it is anymore. Right. I look really forward to like getting in my bed and trying to go to sleep and getting sleep. Um, but you know, I just, it's not, and everything of my life looked amazing, right? Like if you knew me through Facebook, I was living in la you know, living my best life out there.

Then living in Austin and then living in Europe, like I flying everywhere all around the world. And it looked just like I had my life together. I had my shit together. I don't know if anyone would've guessed like, dang, she's probably freaking drinking her face off like three to four nights a week and not being a productive human being at all.

Um, and so also just know that guys too, when you're looking at things and. Not people, just because it looks like they have it all together and they're posting what they want you to see, does not mean that that is reality. And it certainly wasn't my reality. Um, you know, and it got, it got so bad. Like it, I would have stomach issues.

Like I used to think that I had I b s and if I would go out to eat, I was like scared to go out to eat because I would need to know where the bathroom was. Like right when we got in the restaurant. And then I would always have to like try and make myself go to the bathroom after eating or after meals because I wouldn't wanna get in the car and be stuck and have to go to the bathroom.

I mean, this alcohol like totally screwed me up so many times and like twice I passed out in a hot tub from drinking too much. And like people who were in there with me had to like pull me out of it so I didn't drown. You know, like scary, scary stuff. Um, one time I think I was at my friend's house, her parents' house in Herndon and.

My ex-husband was there with us and I mean, her and I are, we were just crazy and stayed up all night drinking and then we go to bed and like I passed out and apparently I was starting to puke in my sleep and thank god he was there. He like lifted me up and freaking put my head over and let me not choke on my own throw up.

But like that is a real thing. It is a real thing. People have died that way. We've heard of celebrities who have died that way, and that just shows you the level of like

drunk that I was getting. I mean, it was like blackout status, like Shannon said. It was just like it got, and the blackouts do they get more and more, um, often like they happen more and more often? I think maybe the more that you drink, I'm not sure. Um, but. It wasn't good and I would always just feel disgusted with myself.

I don't know why it took me so long. I don't know why I just didn't quit. I guess I want, I needed something that I wanted. I. Really bad, which was a baby to make me just wake up and come out of it. Um, but I did, and basically that's what this whole podcast is about, is I basically was as bad as it could get guys.

I mean, I wasn't like partying at the bars with like random people and you know, doing anything like that because I was in a relationship the whole time, you know? And then I was married, but I was putting my ex-husband through like legit hell and putting my body. You know, I don't know how many years I took off my life by doing that for over a decade and.

You know, all my loved ones. Like one time I had to cancel Mother's Day with my stepmom and my dad when we were in California, from Texas, because me and my best friend got way too drunk the night before at her apartment in Manhattan Beach, and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to meet them at a pier. I had reservations and I had to call them and cancel, and they had to come to our hotel room and hang out while I was in bed telling them how sorry I was and how terrible I felt.

You know, and, and it was just awful. Like, it was an awful feeling and, and I felt like I was disappointing everybody cuz I knew I was capable of so much more. Um, you know, and it's just a weird thing drinking in our culture. Like I lived in Europe for a year and. They let their kids start drinking early, like 14, 15, 16.

But the way they do it is they like, let them have a glass of wine at dinner or like let them have a beer at dinner. They, they sort of introduce it to them lightly and then they're able to not just, Binge drink or think that it's like a cool thing to do and then wanna do it every time they go out or go somewhere.

It's, it's more of like the family introduces it at a young age and they set an example of like what is appropriate with drinking and what is not. And the kids just kind of see it from a much healthier perspective, you know, than a bunch of idiot teenagers. Getting way too drunk and making stupid decisions, you know, and then that just kind of carrying on into your life.

I mean, it's, it's crazy how many years will go by and then you wake up and you're like, holy crap. Like, I was definitely drunk more of those nights than not for that long of a time. Um, So it's one of my biggest regrets obviously is, is drinking like that and drinking so much. I do think that I just wasn't happy, I was unhappy, I was unfulfilled.

That was my own fault. Um, and that was my favorite way of sort of filling the void or masking that or covering it up. Um, cuz I liked the feeling like, do not get me wrong. I loved that feeling when I was like, Freaking passed my point and drunk and giggly and happy and like just, you know, super overconfident, like a complete dumb ass.

I'm sure I sounded like such a dumb ass and sometimes probably such a bch, you know? And I'm just glad that I broke out of it and have learned from it, right? Like I. Will be so open with my kids about alcohol and drinking and just try to do it way better than, you know, kind of how I got into all of that.

So, That's all I have on that topic for now. If I think of anything else, I will do another one, but I just wanted to let everybody know, kind of like Shane and I were saying, if it's been on your heart or you've been thinking like, Hey, I wanna just give this a break, and it doesn't have to be alcohol, right?

It can be anything. Anything that you feel that has a hold on you. Right? Eating too much, drinking too much smoking weed. Cocaine, like whatever your drug of choice is, cigarettes dip, anything, a vape, like anything that is not healthy that you even exer if you are addicted to exercise even that can be like dangerous.

So anything like that. If you're feeling like I need to give this a break, I'm here to tell you that you totally can. You 100% can you just need to make the decision in your head that I wanna do this and I wanna see how I feel after 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, and just make the decision and then just do it.

That's all you have to do. I know it sounds like, oh, okay, that's all you have to do. But it really is, and I'm telling you, if someone told you tomorrow, if some, you know, Doctor, whoever you respect and trust told you tomorrow that if you don't stop doing this one thing that you're doing, you will be dead in 30 days.

I guarantee you would stop immediately, there would be like no questions in your head. So maybe think of it like that. Give yourself a talk like that. Anyways, I thank you guys all for listening. My kids are downstairs screaming. Sorry if you can hear them. Um, and I will catch y'all on the flip side.