005: My Own Struggles with Body Image Issues

Hi everyone! In this episode, I share more about body image and how it has affected me. This is a follow-up episode to the interview I did last week with Dr. Lisa Folden. I share about my own personal journey with body image issues have been throughout my life and where I am today with my body image. Thanks so much for listening! 

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Transcript

Okay guys. Kacey here with the Chick Chat Collective. As I announced last week, I think, or the week before, I am going to be, if it's a topic or a subject that I interviewed someone on and I feel compelled to share sort of my own personal journey or experience with that, then I'm going to, uh, just, I. Want it to be helpful.

I want women to be able to relate and know that you are not alone in the feelings that you have about any of this stuff and this, so last week we. We went live with an episode with Dr. Lisa Folden about body image, and she is a body image coach. She's incredible. That conversation was pure magic. I felt so heard and seen and validated.

From that conversation with her. So if you missed it, please check it out. It's, especially if you've struggled with body image issues, I don't know many women especially who have not. And men too. I mean, this is a huge issue in our society. It is no secret that we definitely praise and. Just gives so much attention to people who seem to look perfect.

I mean, look at the way that plastic surgery runs rampant in this country. I mean, it is. People will literally totally change their whole entire face and body to look a certain way. Um, And why is that? Why don't they already feel that they are enough or that they are super awesome because they have a unique look?

I mean, if we, truthfully, this has been said a million times, but if we all looked the same, like if we all looked like Kim Kardashian or we all looked like, you know, whoever is your most beautiful person, Wouldn't just get kind of boring and then it would take that person's beauty away. You know? I mean, and not saying that the Kardashians are totally natural because we all know that they're not.

But I think they are all beautiful. But I think that they were more beautiful before they started doing all of this stuff to themselves and their bodies. Um, not that I am like. Anti plastic surgery or against it in any way. I believe that you should, you know, do what you want. It just, it makes me sad when I, when people do it because they feel like they're already not enough or they don't feel any sense of beauty already in themselves.

Um, because the older I get, you know, the more I realize that beauty fades and. Really this thing that we're walking around in, it's, it's really just the container, right? It's like the vessel for all of the amazing stuff that's inside. Um, so. And we all, we just popped out differently and that's okay. It's actually pretty awesome and beautiful and what makes the world so interesting and what makes people so interesting.

Um, like one of my favorite things to do is people watch and I don't know. So this episode is all about my journey with my body image issues and where I think they came from. Not that I really know. I mean, it could also just be a lot of subconscious programming growing up in this country with all the things that play on TV and the commercials and the magazines.

Um, I think that's a big part to it, a big piece of it. Uh, but you know, I think also any shape and size can have body image issues. So my story, you know, I grew up. Very skinny, like very, very skinny. I already am sort of like little boned or whatever you wanna call it, as it is. My mom is very little. My both my grandmothers are very little and I'm talking little like five foot one, five foot two and tiny.

And my dad though, he was average, he's like six one. And my grandfather was very tall. He was, I think seven. Seven, two, I wanna say. Um, and so I came out average, I'm five seven. My healthy weight in my mind is about one 20. And so if I go over that, which I am now, I in my head, these, you know, alarm bells go off like you're not out, you're healthy weight, you're not at your looking good weight.

And, you know, I don't know if, if that's true or not. I mean, I've had three kids in the last four and a half years back to back to back. Um, I've had three surgeries. I had an emergency C-section with Isla, a plan C-section with Tyson, and I had a VBAC with Jesse, but uh, something went horribly wrong and nine.

Hours after I pushed him out, I had to go in for an emergency hysterectomy, is what it turned out to be. Um, but they cut me open once again. And so my body is just like, what in the heck is going on? Um, and it took me a while to feel even a little bit good after this whole experience with Jesse's birth.

So I'm, I'm not. Exercising regularly. I'm not working out regularly. I try to walk as much as I can, um, but I'm also trying to listen to my body and I also don't sleep, so that does not help the wanting to work out or motivation. But in my head, it's not even like I give myself the, the grace or. The compassion to be like all of this stuff you've put your body through, it's okay if you're not working out every single day.

It's okay if you're not walking two miles a day or doing all of these things, like your body is telling you things for a reason. Um, and so I think really for me, this is a journey about listening to my body more and not trying to override it with my. Thoughts of you're not good enough yet, you don't look good enough yet you need to get back to where you were when you did feel like you looked your best.

Um, and I think a lot of that comes from, I. Being so skinny and never having to work out. You know, some people are gonna hate this, but it just, it's the fact of like my journey. I just was a very skinny kid to the point where I got made fun of for it. I mean, I would eat and eat and eat. I loved eating. I still do love eating.

So one of my favorite things to do, I love food, all of it. And. I would get made fun of though as a kid they, people would say I was anorexic and act like I had an eating disorder and I, I never have once in my entire life. Uh, thank God. I know a lot of people do and I'm sure that is hard and I. But I've been the opposite.

I have always loved food. The only time in my life where I could not eat was after I found out about my ex-husband's affair and my whole world blew up and then I couldn't eat for a few weeks without wanting to throw up or throwing up. It was a very weird situation. I never, I've always heard of people like going through things and then they couldn't eat, and I was like, I'm the opposite.

When I go through things, I am. Stuffing my face with all the stuff. Uh, that was the first and only time where I was like, oh, like this has affected me so deeply. Like even my stomach and my gut don't know what to do. And I got super unhealthy. I got down to like 113 pounds. I remember I went to visit my family and they were like, you look sick.

Like you look like a teenager and you just had a baby four months ago. Like, this is not okay. Um, so. So slowly I started eating again and thank God, but back to the original point. Yeah, I just, I grew up just the skinny kid, the skinny one, and I. Then I, you know, was very active. I basically danced my whole childhood dance team, dance studio, and so I was fit, I was in shape, but it's because I was a very active kid and I always really liked healthy stuff.

I loved salads, I loved vegetables. I didn't really like sweets as a kid. Um, I love them now. When I, the first time I got pregnant with Isla, I just, sweet tooth kicked on in and I've loved sweets ever since. Um, that is like my biggest thing I'm trying to cut out now because I have a wedding dress that I need to fit into in November.

Um, but it's ju it was, it was just the way that it was for me. And then I went to college and started drinking heavily. I. And being super lazy, right? That does not help with anything. I didn't ever go to class, so I had a super low gpa, so I got kicked off the dance team. So then I didn't even have a reason to work out, and that was like the first time in my life where I, where I gained weight.

Um, but I couldn't really even notice it on myself. I would see it when I looked in pictures. Um, But it just was what it was. I didn't care. And then I moved to San Diego when I was 20 and I was there for about six months and I met my, my ex-husband out there. We moved to South Beach for a little while and then we moved to LA and.

In LA I was still drinking, but I was just around all of these people that, you know, at my young twenties, I think I was 21 when we moved to la, thought they were all perfect and everyone had like 0% body fat and everyone was doing, you know, all of these cool things to me. And so I met a girlfriend out there and she was modeling, she was a little bit older than me.

And she was like, you should get into this. Like you, you know, you should totally do this. The pays really good. And I was like, okay. So I started working out a little bit, started taking some dance classes, but I was still drinking and partying my face off. Um, And you know, would get booked for some runway shows, did a couple magazines, nothing ever super big.

The one thing that I do remember, Really well was this one run runway show that I did. This was years and years and years ago. Right? If I was probably, I wanna say 23 or 24 at the time, I'm 27, uh, or I'm 27. I'm 37 now. Um, so definitely over a decade ago I got booked for this runway show and Bruno Mars, he was in, nobody at the time.

He was performing there. It was like a runway, a runway show, and kind of introducing him. And so I remember meeting him and being like, wow, this guy's really cool. And then hearing his music and being like, I think this guy might turn into something. And here, you know, fast forward a million years later and, and it's freaking Bruno Mars.

Um, so that was pretty awesome. But that whole world. At least for me, I was constantly comparing myself to all of the other girls, like constantly. And I was pretty short. I had to wear really high heels to do the runway thing. Um, I. And all these other girls were taller than me and seemed, you know, skinnier than me, or more fit than me, or bigger boobs than me, and whatever it was.

And I would just compare myself. I never, ever, ever felt good enough. And so I kind, I kind of just gave up and was like, well, you know, I'm never gonna. Make it and this is too hard. This is too much work. And honestly, I liked, I liked drinking and having fun more than doing that stuff at that time, but I don't think it was a healthy thing for my mental state.

Or my sort of body image of myself in my head. I really don't. I think that putting yourself around people like that, it's not like any, I'm not gonna say any, but it's not like all of those girls were super healthy either. You know, there's a lot of drugs involved in that world and a lot of crazy diets.

And not that I think dieting is bad, but they're, you know, just not eating at all and chain smoking cigarettes and whatever. Lines of Coke in the bathroom. It just, things can get really out of hand when you're trying really hard to accomplish this certain image of yourself. But, you know, once again, I just kind of have that mentality of like, oh, you know, yeah.

So I'm skinny and kind of tall and thin and I can do this and, and it, you know, and I did for a little while. Um, But then, you know, we left LA moved to Texas. Like I said, I like to eat, so, and I was drinking a lot at the time still. And that does, that does you no favors guys if you're trying to even be healthy.

Sh drinking too much alcohol, number one. It's. So fattening and so unhealthy, but then what you do to your body the next day, right? Like, you're not getting up and taking walks. You're not craving a salad for lunch. You, you know, you're craving freaking greasy pizza and Coke, Coca-Cola, and it's just like, blah.

Like you're just, it's a vicious cycle. Um, but for me at least, that is what it is. So I. We, you know, kind of went on our lives, moved to Europe for a while, walked everywhere. Still felt like I was overweight there because I wasn't eating super healthy and I was drinking a lot, but I definitely got a lot more exercise in.

That's just the culture over there. We didn't have a car. We had bikes and, you know, so I would walk and ride my bike everywhere unless it was a little far, and then I'd hop on the train or the bus, but that, Put me into a little bit of a healthier, just lifestyle, and then came back and then it was like time.

I wanted to start having babies and that's really when I quit drinking. Cut that out, and then started getting super into yoga. And I started dancing again at a dance studio, dance studio in Austin and just felt so much better. And I wasn't like ripped, I didn't have abs, you know, or anything like that.

But I felt good. So I didn't even care. I don't even know how much I weighed. I really don't. And I didn't care. I felt good. I felt healthy, I felt energetic, and I, and it was great, right? Until then, all the I V F drugs come in and then that does not make you feel any of those things. And for me, they made me gain weight.

Um, Which sucked, right? It was just like one more side effect to that already. Not fun experience, but it is what it is, and it led me to getting pregnant with Isla, which I am so grateful for. And so now I'm 37. I have had three kids. I had Isla in 2019. I had Tyson in 2021, and I had Jesse in October of 2022 and I'm 37.

I did notice that my metabolism really slowed down at around age 30 where I could not just eat whatever I wanted and still, Keep the weight off by basically being a lazy piece of crap. It was like it was all catching up with me. And it's funny because my grandma used to tell me that that would happen when I was younger and I was like, okay, whatever.

You know, you never, kids are just like clueless and just don't listen. But she was right and.

But I'm also at a point now where I realize that it's okay, like it's okay to gain weight. It's okay to fluctuate. It's okay to not have some, you know, six pack abs and just whatever it is it, whatever stage you're in, I think is a. Your body is sort of a reflection of that. And right now I'm in the stage of just had my last baby eight months ago, went through another major surgery, probably the worst one that I have been through as far as recovery and all the things that happened to me and inside my body and how I felt afterwards.

Um, like as excited as I was. To have Jesse, of course, and to have my vbac. I also, uh, was pretty depressed from what came out of that, which I will go into in another episode. It's another topic. Um, but like, just not wanting to do anything and feeling like I couldn't really feeling like I couldn't do any sort of exercise.

I mean, you actually can't for six to eight weeks. But then even after that, just feeling not good. I. So it doesn't, it's not very motivational to like get up and be active. And so I was noticing, I talked about this with Lisa and. We took the kids to the beach in April, so just a couple months ago, and it was Jesse's first beach trip.

And my kids love the beach. We love the beach. We are huge beach people, and my kids love it. They would be out in that sand and ocean all day if we would let them. So it's, it was really fun to take Jesse. And of course, so in my head, I'm packing all the one pieces, right? I'm not daring to bring a bikini.

It's how I'm talking to myself. Don't you even think about it, even though it's freaking April, like the beach was not gonna be packed or anything at all. But that's how I talk to myself. Don't even think about trying to squeeze your your butt into a two piece right now. So pack all the one pieces. On one of the days, ALA and I are having this beautiful moment.

She wants me to grab her by her hands and spin her. It's like this thing that we do and we go really fast and she feels like she's flying and she's like, mommy, mommy, please. Right? And this beach is empty. We basically had a private beach to ourselves. Nobody is there. It's Tyler, me, the kids, and my future mother-in-law, Sue.

That's it. We can't see anybody else. And we are just having the time of our lives. And I am doing that thing with Ala and Sue starts taking pictures of it and we don't even notice cuz we're just so in the moment. And you know, she sends them to me afterwards and my, and my first thought is, Ew, about myself.

Like you. Ew. And it's really sad to think about because I just was like, what? Like you need to work on your body. You need? Like what are you doing? You need to get in shape better. It's been, you know, at that time, October, November, December, it had been six months since I had Jesse, and I'm like, it's been six months since you had a baby.

Like what are you doing? Get your shit together. And then I started realizing and thinking about, holy crap, Kacey, like this is such a beautiful capture. I. Of a moment in time of you and your daughter and your daughter is just loving life, smiling so big and so happy, and you're so right there with her.

And instead of me appreciating that and looking at that as just like a beautiful image of my daughter and I, I immediately went to talking down to myself, saying ew to myself about the way that I looked. And, you know, reprimanding myself basically for not being in enough shape. And then I started thinking, I do not want ala to, to do this.

Like, I don't want her to have these thoughts. I need to somehow correct this. I need to set an example that she knows she is beautiful and loved on the inside and the outside, no matter what size she's at, or. Stage she's at in her life. And it just made me really sad and it made me think like, how many other women have these feelings and these thoughts about themselves?

The initial thought, right? My first thought when I saw that should have been like, oh my gosh, this is. Wonderful and lovely and I'm so glad that Sue caught these on camera so that we have them forever. Look how much fun we are having. Look how happy Isla is. Look how happy I am. Those should have been my first thoughts and my opinion.

Like if I was a healthy person with healthy body image, with a healthy body image, that's what it would've been. It would not have been, Ew. Look at you like, get it together. I. And then I was like, okay, we have to have a conversation about this because I can't be the only one. And it's really sad and heartbreaking that I don't love my body enough after all my body has been through you guys, and it is a lot.

My body has been through a freaking lot. The last God, five, six years. I mean five rounds of I V F, eight rounds of I UIs. A surgery on my uterus to even implant my embryos because my uterus wa had a septum in the middle of it. So it was shaped like a heart, and it's supposed to be shaped like an upside down triangle.

That way the embryos can attach. And then that was just before having the baby, right? Then I got pregnant, went through a pregnancy, had gestational diabetes, had to prick myself three or four times a day every day, the last trimester of my pregnancy to maintain the diabetes. Went through an excruciating labor with Isla because I got induced.

I was in the hospital for three and a half days before they performed an emergency c-section. Um, then found out about the affair four months later and a bunch of crazy shit and basically starved myself. My breast milk ran out. I was pumping and trying to feed and not eating. Um, that was really crazy.

Basically whittled down to like a shell of a human. Um, came back from that, got pregnant, got gestational diabetes again, had to prick myself a million times again, C-section again. That one was pretty brutal. J Tyson was really big. He was over nine pounds. The healing from that just freaking sucked. And then breastfeed.

Breastfed for 14 months. So I was breastfeeding the first trimester of my pregnancy with Jesse. I got pregnant in the beginning of January with Jesse Tyson turned. One at the end of January and I breastfed Tyson till he was 14 months. So if anyone knows about breastfeeding, that's already exhausting enough.

But I had a toddler, a baby was breastfeeding the baby still and then pregnant again. Um, sometimes I like say this shit out loud and I'm like, how do you not just love your body? You are an incredible. Woman, like everything your body has done is absolutely incredible and I don't know why those thoughts aren't the first ones that pop into my head, but anyways, then, you know, went through the pregnancy with Jesse, did not have gestational DI diabetes with that one, and went for a vbac.

Got induced 10 days after my due date. Was in labor for about a day and a half. Pushed for four hours, had him vaginally, but my uterus ruptured, did not know what was going on, had a emergency hysterectomy, and then my body was recovering from a super intense labor where I was literally pushing for four hours, not in labor for four hours, actively pushing Jesse out of me for four hours and then, The hysterectomy I was recovering from that had a catheter, I had to bring one home, a bunch of craziness.

And yet still, when I look at that picture of my daughter and I, it's ew. It's not like your body is a freaking the most amazing thing on this earth. Like, look what your body has done. So I just want to put that out there, you guys, because. No matter where you're at and what you know, maybe you're pregnant, maybe you just had a baby, maybe you're trying to, maybe you're not at all and you're just not at your goal weight or whatever we wanna call that thing.

Maybe you're trying really hard to lose weight and you can't. And so there may be some sort of hormonal issues to get checked out, some sort of thyroid issues. Um, or maybe you are. Trying to put on weight and you can't, there are those people too, and I just want you to know you're not alone. I don't really know what the answer is.

I don't know what the solution is. I, I don't think it's healthy to compare yourself to everything that you see in our programming. Right? This sort of, we're being programmed like from every direction, from tv, from commercials, from print magazines, from freaking social media, Instagram models, like. And a lot of their crap isn't real, guys like, I'll tell you what, when I was on the cover of this magazine, they freaking airbrushed me.

I did not look like that. My pictures that came back did not look like the ones that they put on the actual magazine. They airbrushed every little line to make you look. Whatever the perfect standard is. And it's fricking sick. Honestly, I'm really happy to see that there are a lot of places now coming out with just like, this is really what women look like and this is the airbrushed picture, and this is the actual picture.

Because a lot of times it's a big difference. And it's just important I think, to know that now I'm, I'm also not saying like this is an excuse to be like a super unhealthy person, cuz I don't think that's good either. I think listening to your body and what your body needs is number one, like the most important thing.

And then for me, I think eating healthy, which what that looks like for me is. More veggies and fruits and lean meat. I'm a meat eater. Even though I, there's part of me that wants to try to be vegetarian, just see what it does, see what it does to my mood and to my energy. I've heard a lot of good things, um, but dang do I love a cheeseburger and a good steak, you guys, so we will see.

I have faith in myself. I think I can try anything, honestly. I think I can try anything for 30 days. I just have to set my mind to it. Um, exercising in a way that I love. So my. Ways that I love of exercising. I love dancing. I love yoga. All different kinds of yoga, all different, you know. Categories of it, right?

I love hot yoga. I love yin yoga. I love restorative yoga. I love vinyasa. I love it all. And walking. I love walking. I love walking with my kids. I love walking by myself. Um, I do not love going to the gym. I do not love lifting weights, even though I maybe should do that if I wanna get stronger. I really wanna try kickboxing.

It is on my list. It's something that I think that I would really like and could get out some of my, like, stress and high energy that I have. Um, but that's my version of looking healthy. As far as like physical goes mental, that's a whole nother ballgame. And we should do a whole nother interview about that.

But I just wanna let everyone know that you're not alone if you have those thoughts and. It's okay to have them. I think it's natural to have them, but I think if you can be aware that you're having them and then be like, you know what? I deserve better than this. I alone deserve better than this. To talk to myself better than this.

And then if you have a family, my family deserves better than this. My, if you have children, my children deserve better than this. I never want my daughter thinking anything like that about herself, ever. It would break my heart if I ever thought that she thought that way. And yeah, that's basically it. I just wanna let everybody know that.

You're beautiful just the way you are, and don't let anybody tell you different. But also, I never think it's a bad thing to make healthy choices and changes, and I think it'll make you feel better. It always makes me feel better. Um, I, I'm here for it. So I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and I will talk to y'all again soon.